Breaking news in the land of the free! Canada captures Philadelphia from the Sioux, thus bringing fan dreams of a new “Canifest Destiny” that much closer to fruition. Also that’s a pretty groovy looking army they have there, want trebuchets, much?
Meanwhile, Lincoln’s constitutional crisis continues, as critics are reportedly unimpressed with his “#WellYouTryBeingPresidentForAF@ckingDayThen” counter-campaign. The prime-time American news distributor, BCNN, is quick to trademark and shriek the headline, “CHUMP STUMPS AND TRUMPS LINCOLN!”