Home  ✧   Albums  ✧   Part 3: The North Rises!

Part 3: The North Rises!

Narrated by AquaticSasquatch

Starting Turn: 46

August 17, 2015

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    Welcome to the /r/Civ 60+ Civ Battle Royale Mk. II | Part 3! Hi, I'm /u/AquaticSasquatch, and you may remember me as the modder who brought you such classic civs as Texas, the Boers, and (alongside Colonialist Legacies) the Kimberley Aboriginals. Today, I'll be your guest commentator, a first for me! If you're interested in doing a guest commentary for future parts, PM /u/TPangolin on Reddit. Be sure to keep up with all the hype and fan-produced content in this here megathread: http://redd.it/3gkegn And if you're here from r/civ, be sure to join us at r/CivBattleRoyale to partake in the trash-talk, detailed discussions, and hourly drinking contests. Hold onto your buttcheeks, because you're in for a wild ride.

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    Take a moment to soak in this lovely map made by SylonL, showing the state of the world as it was at the end of the last installment. Don't forget to open the full resolution image!

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    And, courtesy of TPang himself, here's our brand new graphic, showing the Top 10 Rankings from the end of the last installment, meticulously compiled by a group of experts.

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    We begin with a game-changing development in Sri Lanka, as the vital Statue of Zeus wonder is constructed by Parakramabahu I in the shadow of Sri Pada, granting the owner's units a 15% combat bonus when attacking cities. Can Sri Lanka put it to use against their enemies? It seems they'll have to for now, as any prospective conquerers would have to embark their forces and take massive casualties to seize the island city.

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    Our two Australian civs seem to be getting along without any border conflicts so far, but as the Kimberley settle counter-clockwise along the Australian coast, Jandamarra and Henry Parkes seem fated to one day confront each other under the shadow of Uluru in the sea of red that is the Outback.

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    The One True Faith™ is established in Juarez, Mexico. With none of their immediate neighbors even having a Pantheon, it seems likely to become the dominant religion on the continent. Amen, hallelujah, peanut butter. Meanwhile, Texas is quickly filling in the gaps between their sprawled-out cities.

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    As the sun rises on the year 3280 BC, Southeast Asian geopolitics are complicated as ever. On the religious front, a man named Buddha seeks to foster peace and enlightenment in the region by spreading his teachings to the citizens of the Burmese capital.

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    At the same time on the other side of the planet, Muhammad and his Ayyubid followers establish Cairo as the Holy City of Islam. Only 8 tiles away from the Holy City of Judaism and split in the middle by the sacred Mt. Sinai, one can only hope both faiths value tolerance and won't seek to annihilate one another... who am I kidding, we want BLOOD!

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    With precious new holdings in Crimea and Anatolia and nary the military to defend, let alone expand upon these acquisitions, Byzantium may quickly become the prime target for both European AND Middle Eastern warmongers. Also worth noting is the Armenian expansion into Anatolia, and the massive Spartan army around Messene.

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    UH-OH! IS IT FINALLY HAPPENING? A Maori Settler lands on the southern shores of Tasmania, right under the noses of the Australians, while another sails North! Will Te Rauparaha take this important, citrus-y prize?

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    We hit Turn 50, and Alberti, a Babylonian operative, compiles his data on worldwide production levels. Yakutia, Ethiopia, and The Mughals make the top 3...

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    ...and Vietnam, Indonesia, and the Maori round out the bottom 3, seeming much more content to enjoy the South Asian beaches than worry themselves with global domination.

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    Tibet, finally prepared to found a Religion, realizes Buddhism was taken by the Burmese only 2 turns before. \"Well, screw Burma\", the Dalai Lama proclaims. \"We'll make our own Buddhism, with yak and hookers!\" Lhasa is now strangely the holy city of Akatt-u, which is apparently the religion of the Indus River Valley civilization. More notably, it is also the very first religion listed in alphabetical order. Regardless, this is an exciting development for Tibet fans, as their Unique Ability and Unique Building revolve around founding and spreading a religion. UA: Dharma Kings Mountain Tiles yield +1 Food and +1 Faith, increasing to +2 Food, +2 Faith in cities that follow your religion. Cities following your religion generate +10% more Religious Pressure. UB: Chorten (Temple) Religious Followers and Mountains worked by the city the Chorten is built in and Great Works stored within the Chorten generate points that work towards upgrading the Chorten, eventually allowing it to provide greater yields. Also, Akbar, not one to stop chasing his dreams, defiantly plops his settler 2 tiles south of Gyantse.

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    Hawaii seems content to play the isolation game, slowly expanding out of their initial archipelago into other nearby South Pacific islands.

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    A cold wind blows through the Blackfoot capital as the Inuit steadily march southward, founding Qamani'tuaq a snowball's throw away from Crowfoot's Palace. However, they seem confident peace will be maintained, establishing a trade route from their Alaskan city.

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    With nowhere else to go, the Blackfoot claim fertile land in the Great Basin and California, blocking a Sioux settler at the last second. Mexico expands into the Mojave with Veracruz, pretty much blocking off any other civs with Californian dreams.

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    Texas is going hog-wild with Settlers, sending one unescorted up the mighty Missouri River, right towards the edges of Sioux land. Lincoln appears to have similar intentions, doing much the same a little to the East.

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    An Irish Scout (!!!) and a Texan Warrior greet Buccaneer settlers to Florida with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Henry Morgan currently has no cities on the North American mainland apart from their Panama Canal, and this settle could change the whole game for them, opening the door on potential American or Texan campaigns.

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    In South America, much of Tierra Del Fuego remains unclaimed as both Chile and Argentina produce settlers in hopes of changing that. Chile founds La Serena on Eva Peron's back door, and another settler is concieved in Concepción. 2 rival Argentinian settlers seem ready to go on the other side of the peninsula.

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    In the Amazon, Argentina marches steadily North with the rainforest colony of Jujuy, while the Incans and Brazilians scramble into the heart of darkness to claim whatever valuable resources they can reach.

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    On Florida's Gulf Coast, the pirate stronghold of Petit-Goave is established; a wretched hive of scum and villainy where a handful of jarred Texans and starry-eyed Irishmen live in the twilight amongst the hardest criminals and mercenaries of the Caribbean. Also, holy crap, look at that Mayan army! The calendar marks a very bad day that is fast-approaching for someone in the region.

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    Texas brazenly settles Corpus Christi right in Sitting Bull's neighborhood, and America founds Baltimore right across Lake Michigan from Toronto. Sam Houston has a fair army, but it's spread too thin to effectively defend against a coordinated invasion. That's still one-up on Lincoln, who barely has an army at all, and would be easy pickins for a bloodthirsty Canadian or Sioux conquerer.

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    The Yakuts, knowing full well how dangerous their neighbors can be with the slightest provocation, bide their time and simply gather horses and technology, settling their cities very locally, non-offensively and at their own pace.

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    Mr. Philippines is slowly shaping his homeland into a prosperous yet isolated archipelago, as Filipino settlers prepare for an arduous journey to nearby islands.

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    Every major African player has a bunch of Settlers on the move, scrambling to draw the absolutely insane borders that will drive future generations of cartographers to tears. Ethiopia forward settles Kongo, but Kongo still sends their own settler beyond that city towards Ethiopia's heartland. Several more Settlers pop out of cities on all sides.

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    An Ashanti Settler heads East, Moroccan warriors gather around Casablanca, Carthage is just like \"what's going on eh\", and Mali is getting ready for... something.

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    The Ayyubids expand into the hostile Western deserts, and Arabia seeks to fill in their peninsula at their own pace. A Finnish Scout seems either very hardy or very lost, wandering through the scorching desert around Damascus. \"It's like a sauna in here\", one says.

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    Napoleonic and Nazi German forces whittle down the walls of Neapolis one brick at a time, surrounding 3 brave Roman Archers on all sides, forced by the odds and by the Emperor to keep shooting until they run out of arrows or are struck down. How long they hold out against the storm determines if they will be remembered as fearless heroes of the Empire or inept cowards who failed the glory of Rome.

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    Sparta has acquired their unique unit! Hoplites, very powerful spearmen that differ slightly from the vanilla Greek Hoplites. Hoplite (Spearman) Same as Vanilla, but while alone, receives the “Molon Labe” promo, which provides +20% Defense, while next to friendly units, receives the “Add a step forward” promo, which provides +20% Attack. I don't think any of Sparta's neighbors are eager to Molon Labe any time soon, so Sparta will likely have to go on the offense to test their warriors' merit.

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    Attila, Timur, and Kuchum Khan drunkenly huddle around one another and compare each other's armies. Attila comes out on top because Timur is so out of it, he's pointing his army in the completely wrong direction.

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    Having achieved absolutely nothing at all, Leonidas makes peace with Stalin, vowing to return another day, subtlely slipping a settler between the cracks of Poland and Byzantium. On another note, I absolutely love any slides that show the Russian wastes like this. There's always so many scouts from so many different civs. I counted scouts from at least 10 different countries in this one!

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    THEY DID IT! PLAY OF THE YEAR, 3160 BC! The Maori have successfully established the city of Whang-dang-a-tara-tango on the island of Tasmania. Their reward: all the oranges and fish they can eat, as well as a perfect staging ground for any potential military action against Australia.

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    Iceland seeks to establish a Ring of Fire along the icy coasts of the North Atlantic and Arctic oceans, starting by rounding out Greenland. However, an Inuit Unaaq scouts out Greenland's interior... and we all know there can be only one.

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    Pramakramayamahamamama I's holdings on the Indian subcontinent are pretty well-staffed with archers, warriors, and workers, and another prospective settler wanders around Colombo. Alarmed by this development and the Tibetan encroachment, Akbar is finally rushing out a military with his top-3 production levels.

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    Australia seems much more willing to settle inland than the Kimberley are, founding Adelaide in the desert, while Jandamarra oversees the foundation of Bidyadanga along the Great Australian Bight. Still, nobody wants to brave the blistering red sands of the Outback, save a few lone units.

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    Korea's Northern colonies of Jeonju and Daegu have grown exponentially since we last saw them, and now they have actual military units protecting them from hypothetical Red Chinese aggression. Japan settles Nagoya on the southernmost tip of the home island, securing it. Further expansion may require military action, particularly a strong navy.

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    The Great American Clusterfuck is living up to its name that I may or may not be the first to use. I remember people talking about some other Great Clusterfuck, but I forget in what region. Anyways, let me summarize: Texas stronk, America impotent, Sioux stronk, Canifest Destiny stronk but unfortunately entirely northern-bound.

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    The shit hits the fan for the Ashanti, as Mansa Musa and Hannibal, formerly bitter rivals in the previous BR, work together to take down Osei Tutu. However, Tutu's first unique unit is in play on the battlefield; drumroll, please, for the Drumroll Warrior. Drumroll Warrior (Spearman) Wekaer than the Spearmen they replace, but 2 Drumroll Warriors are produced at the same time. Generates +1 Golden Stool Point for every experience point earned. (Golden Stool Points can be used to recruit units and influence or integrate City States.)

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    At around the same time Sparta got their Hoplites, Persia begins producing Immortals. Unfortunately, if we want to see a rematch, one or both of them will have to carve their way through Byzantium and Armenia pretty soon. Armenia needs an adult as Timur aggressively settles right in their fertile blind spot.

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    Napoleonic forces deliver the killing blow to Neapolis. Rome has no time to mourn the dead, as Frenchies continue to come in along the Mediterranean. Hitler is once again denied a significant war trophy, having gone to war a few times already with nothing to show for it.

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    The worthless Settler Brigades we saw in the Norwegian-Swedish war of Part 2 have reached their final destinations, with Norway founding Eidsvoll and Tromso north of Sweden, and Sweden settling Uppsala and Turku right in Norway and Finland's respective [insert euphamism here]s. More importantly, the one /r/civbattleroyale was too eager to dub the \"Pussycat of the North\", Gustavus Adolphus, is sharpening his fangs on Eidsvoll, not one to ignore Norway's reckless forward settles.

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    Finland, used to having bad neighbors, sets up small squadrons of archers at key points on their border to keep an eye on Stalin and Gustavus while establishing the city of Jyväskylä along the Barents Sea. A group of Arabian scouts wander past Moscow while searching for the fabled \"Saunas\" the Finnish scouts of Damascus spoke of so fondly.

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    Sibir seems just as happy to turtle as the Yakuts are, but Afghanistan and Tibet are moving to entirely block them off from the Gobi Desert. In the North, 2 Chinese settlers are escorted to Siberia. One can only make assumptions about Mao's plans for his people. Perhaps he intends to build the world's greatest amusement park, giving free tickets to dissidents and dirty capitalists.

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    Things look very uncertain in South Africa. Shaka still attempts to worm his way out of Kruger's grasp, and the Kongolese expand into the Namib Desert. If Uncle Paul doesn't act quickly to close the distance between Pretoria and his Central Africa holdings, the Boers may lose it all.

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    And yet, a Boer Settler has a showdown with a band of Kongolese warriors and settlers in the Congo. Has his blitzing success in the last Battle Royale gone to his head? What are you doing, Paul?

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    Saladin settles Alexandria on the North African coast, just a little too close to Sparta for anyone's comfort. Sparta's borders still block the Ayyubids and their precious Suez Canal into this corner of the sea. Byzantium has another settler walking about, and still no major military force to speak of.

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    Caesar makes peace with Napoleon, knowing he is not prepared to retake Neapolis, and wanting to avoid further losses while still at war with Hitler. Hey, look at Portugal way over in the corner there! I guess they expanded into Spain at some point. Good for them. And now, not to look at them for another 3 parts.

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    Sweden secures Eidsvoll just as the tides turn and Norway gains the military edge. Seeing this, Gustavus hastily makes peace, forgoing the worthless arctic city of Tromso for another day. The \"Housecat of the North\" (has earned a better name, but still isn't quite a Lion yet) must rest and repair his army before getting ahead of himself. There's also still plenty of room for either player to settle between them, meaning future wars could be much faster and more intense.

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    Just across the Arctic Circle from the battlegrounds of Scandinavia, the Inuit expand east through Nunavut by founding Niaqunnguut. Blackfoot and Sitting Bull put their cards on the table by founding their own cities in the Canadian tundra. Tsuutina for the Blackfoot, just north of the Sioux tribes of Itazipcho and Sihasapa. Fun fact about that last one: Sihásapa is the Lakota word for \"Blackfoot\", whereas Siksiká has the same meaning in the Blackfoot language. As a result, the Sihásapa have the same English name as the Blackfoot Confederacy, and the nations are sometimes confused with one another.

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    Chile wins the race to Tierra Del Fuego with the settling of Valdivia, though a large space still remains mysteriously unclaimed between it and Argentina. What happened to the Argentinian settlers? I see one in the mountains Southwest of Rio, but the other seems to have... vanished.

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    Oh, there it is. In the fucking Amazon Rainforest, where the aggressive yet strategic Brazilian settling of Fortaleza seems to have locked down a big chunk of the region for them.

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    An Australian Cargo Ship travels the Gold Coast, seemingly promoting peace between the Australians and Aborigines, but one must remember that Australia gets big bonuses from naval trade routes, so this move may be more self-centered than it would appear. Shocked by the Maori takeover of Tasmania, at least 3 Australian Settlers are being escorted around, in a scramble to nab other fertile and strategic city locations.

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    Geez, look at Tibet and their insanely... vertical borders. They settled Bamda, Nagchuka, and Chamdo on the edges of the inhospitable Gobi, strategically blocking off Sibir, Afghan, and potentially, Mongol and Chinese expansions. But does Tibet have the army to back up fortitude of this level? Songstan Gampo certainly isn't making any friends this way.

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    With the land between Chonqing and Tianjin unclaimed by Top Dog Mao for quite a long time, both Korea and Vietnam have settlers in the area looking to snag new lands for themselves. Worth noting is that while populous, the core Chinese cities of Beijing and Shanghai seem to have stagnated all this time. In the Ryukyus, Rizal claims Okinawa for the Philippines, using Taiwan as a base of operations. Meiji can't do anything about it right now even if he wants to, because he simply doesn't have the navy for the job.

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    The Black Circle is slowly coming to fruition in the Caribbean, with the pirate stronghold of Leogane in modern-day Maracaibo, Venezuela. For now, the jolly roger rules the waves despite completely lacking a navy. The Mayans are still scary but strangely quiet and stationary.

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    The gaps are quickly closing in North America, and any major expansion in the heartland will be drawn by the sword, not the pen. Obviously, because I don't think pens were invented by 3010 BC. Anyhow, take a look at the new Canadian city of Saint John, and all those Sioux and Blackfoot settlers running around like they own the place, because right now, they quite frankly do. Texas would rather focus on developing their lands than rapidly expanding their military.

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    Another Sioux settler heads north in the scramble for the Arctic. Worth noting is how the Inuit have barely expanded West of their capital apart from their sole Alaskan city.

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    The bloody fray in West Africa seems more of a bloody stalemate at this point in time, with Malian and Ashanti units smacking into one another in the jungles, and Carthage is absolutely not helping at all. Was this entire war a clever ploy started by Hannibal to get the other two off his back?

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    While a Boer settler ventures dangerously north, it appears that Kruger at least has a carpet of archers and warriors to defend Pretoria from theoretical Zulu aggression. Still doesn't match up to Haile Selassie's magic carpet ride from hell. Kilimanjaro remains INFURIATINGLY untouched in the East.

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    A Canadian Trireme sails past an equally oblivious Icelandic Settler just over the hills from the ocean, seeking more prime Greenlandic real estate.

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    THE HORDE DESCENDS UPON THE USSR! The Hunnic menace has awoken, and directed its initial primal fury at the dirty commies! Attila the Hun - Real American Hero. The USSR has faired pretty well in the rankings so far, but unless they can stop the stampede, they may be doomed!

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    Vietnam goes for the steal, blocking the Korean Settler AND isolating Chonqing in one fell swoop! I don't expect Mao to let this slide, but is his army strong enough to defeat the Trungs and hold back potential counterattacks? Or are his plans still focused elsewhere?

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    Horrific tales of man-eating Bunyips, man-eating Yowies, and various other man-eating wildlife of all sizes and varieties work perfectly to keep almost all Kimberley and Australian settlers far, far away from the hellish Outback. A competition is now underway to colonize, actual quote from Henry Parkes, \"literally any island other than this fucking crazy prison, like the other day, I saw a spider the size of a dinner plate run across the floor of the palace and under my bathroom door, I've had to hold it in for like 2 days now\". The ring of viable coastal cities is closed in the North by Darwin. The Maori also throw their hat into the ring, sending a lone settler out into the mighty Pacific. One begins to wonder why TPang bothered hiding the Babylonian Submarine in Antarctica instead of just dropping it on top of Uluru.

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    Leningrad falls to THE HORDE™! Half the population falls in battle, but the other half is slowly being slaughtered to the last man, woman, or child by bloodthirsty decree of Attila himself. Stalin is best off leaving the citizens of Leningrad to their fate, to focus solely on the defense of Moscow. How embarrassing it be if one of the initial top 10 picks to win was the very first to lose their capital?

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    Tibet's luck has been pushed to its breaking point. The extremely aggressive founding of Rutog, only 4 tiles away from Karakorum, prompts a joint Mongolian-Mughal invasion of Tibet's precious outer holdings.

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    The rapidly-growing coastal city of Gyantse, blocked off from its homeland by a single Burmese/Afghan tile and with only a single Archer to defend it, prepares for the absolute worst as the Mughal horde waits in the darkness for the order to charge. How much will Tibet lose? Can the Soviets stop the Hunnic horde? Who will come out on top of the scrambles for Africa, the Arctic, and the Pacific? These answers and more, next time!

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    Here come the InfoAddict stats for the end of this part! First up, in Population, The Mughals still maintain their top position, followed closely by Afghanistan, Argentina, Poland, and Yakutia.

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    Despite their effort to worm around the Boers, the Zulus are dead last in population. Israel follows, and surprisingly, given their recent expansions, the Buccaneers and Tibet are right behind them.

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    Yakutia maintains the lead with 14 technologies, narrowly followed by Argentina with 13, and then a massive tie for 12 including... a lot of players, I guess.

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    And in the bottom, a 3-way tie between the Zulus, Champa, and Indonesia, with 9 each.

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    In Land Area, the Sioux and Inuit are precisely tied for the title, followed distantly by Canada, Afghanistan, and the Timurids.

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    On the bottom, Israel, Korea, and Rome are brothers in impotence.

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    In total number of cities, the Inuit take the lead with 9, with a 4-way tie for 2nd bringing together Canada, Australia, Tibet and the Sioux with 8.

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    Babylon? Come on, Sid Meier, that Submarine TOTALLY counts as a city. It's stationary and everyone in the civ lives in it, so what does that make it? Use yer brain, pal. Anyhow, England, Rome, and Israel are tied for last with only 3 cities to each of their names. Well, this brings us to a close. You may have noticed there aren't any Religion Overview or Military Manpower stats this time around; they, uh, quite frankly weren't taken for this part. Don't panic! They'll be back next time, we assure you. I had a real blast narrating this, so I hope I get to come back and do it again in the future. Y'all come back too, y'hear?"