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Abraham Lincoln reads his classified briefing from CIC William Westmoreland: “There has been some concerning and frankly surprising blow-back from Operation Jade Helm. It looks as if Sam Houston has gotten, if you’ll forgive the vernacular, all the cowboys off the Ponderosa and sent ‘em on up there a hootin’ and a hollerin’ round near Baltimore. I assure you, Mr. President, this is just a bump in the road. I have just read a fascinating new book by the Guy Who Won All Those Wars called How to Fight Wars Good, and I know exactly what to do.”

Lincoln furrows his brow, thinks of the upcoming election and this Trump moron he must contend with. This war was meant to make Lincoln look like a leader, and make Trump look like a callow politician. At least, that was the plan.