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Part 96: Stalin's Own™

December 12, 2017

  1. Intro

    Hello everyone and welcome to Part 96 of everyone’s favorite bloodbath, the Civ Battle Royale! This is u/Bronnakus, a supporter of all things icy blue. Seen above here is the first post on the sub that’s made me audibly laugh in a while, u/thehonestyfish ‘s The Power Ranker’s Dilemma.

  2. Melon Map

    As always we start with our fantastic maps. Here is Melon’s map, which never ceases to amaze me with its detail.

  3. Tile Accurate

    And here is the Tile Accurate map. Good lord, look at that bordergore in the Old Vietnam Empire.

  4. PR Slide

    Here we’ve got the good ol’ Power Ranking slide. Boers, unsurprisingly, remain at number one.

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    And we kick things off with a nice view of North America, showcasing the incredibly-carpeted Blackfoot surrounded by the chilly blue. One would be tempted to think that it’d be even in a matchup just due to the Blackfoot carpet but look at the tech difference! Marines vs. Biotroopers. Hell, look at the city defenses. Marines and paratroopers won’t cut it, Crowfoot. In World Congress news we see Scholars in Residence passes. Should make tech catch-up easier for those who need it.

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    “You can’t let Parkes one-up you like that! You need your own Pacific Garbage Patch!” says Big Carrier’s Korean sales rep to Sejong. The Ice Sheet Fleet is looking a little more smartly-built to the north, but the only melee ships I can see are Blackfoot.

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    The Boers continue to struggle to make it past the Indus River. They have a slight advantage at the moment, with more melee units near the border cities than Vietnam, but it looks like both sides are running out of steam at the moment. Also of note, it appears Susa has been reduced to a pile of radioactive mush.

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    The Sibir assault is starting to crack through Swedish lines. Gothenburg, Moscow, and Antioch are all looking ready to fall in the upcoming turns. Swedes are putting up a hell of a resistance with what they have, though.

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    Fueled with Stalin’s OwnTM Liquid Courage, brave Swedes storm Stalingrad and Jyvaskya, retaking them for the Blue and Yellow. Not easily defeated, Sibir has Stalingrad surrounded and ready to flip back, along with Kharkov to the south.

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    The Icelanders retake Constantinople, seriously shrinking southern Sweden. Every city is in the black, however, so a Swedish snipe wouldn’t be too crazy.

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    Faltering on four fronts, the Swedes lose Hamburg to the Icelanders. It’s not looking good for everyone’s favorite opportunists, but off in the distance, a Swedish general is elated to hear that they can attack in any direction they please.

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    With an amphibious assault, Sweden is now back in control of both Jyvaskylas. Unfortunate for them, the Sibir are likely to flip back the one with the nicer weather and strategic value. Shucks.

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    The hungover Swedes get forced back out of Stalingrad. It seems the Swedes have the slight upper hand in numbers at the moment, but the Sibir will win in the long run. Gustavus needs to get Khan to the negotiating table quick if he wants to survive.

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    Kekkonen plots Armenian death and destruction from his palace in Tyumen, the capital of Exclavia. It’s pretty well-carpeted, but I guess that’s easy when you don’t own two of the tiles adjacent to your city. Regardless, a war to determine who’s less irrelevant would be fun to see.

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    Panduranga, once the capital of the mighty Cham, has been reduced to 2 population. It’s in Australian hands for now, and it seems the Kimberley Peacekeeping Force is finally working in the Aussies’ favor for once.

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    A huge Sibir push in the south blasts a hole in the Swedish defense. Getting squeezed by the twin gray blobs on both sides may just push the Swedish all the way back to Scandinavia at this rate.

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    A quick peep into Yerevan shows the Armenians are cranking out paratroopers. Could there be a long-range snipe plan in the works? Probably not, but one could hope.

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    Tyumen, on the other hand, produces a recycling center. Hey, when you can’t hold land to save your life, making resources out of thin air makes sense.

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    Ambon falls back to Vietnam, but they aren’t likely to hold it for long. Then again, neither will Australia hold Panduranga much longer by the looks of things.

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    Lashkar Gar falls to the Boerg. Both sides seem to have brought a good chunk of reinforcements, so we’ll get a bloodier, more exciting stalemate until one lands another punch.

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    The Swedes march south towards Iceland to try to maintain their Balkan holdings, but each wave is looking thinner and slower than the last.

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    Ever a lover of collecting capitals, Ingolfur marches through the streets of Berlin. The Swedes have a good deal of land left, but the bell tolls for all leaders some day. At this rate, it may toll for Gustavus before it does for Kekkonen. It’d be some pretty sweet revenge for Exclavia to outlive Sweden.

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    Panduranga is back in Vietnamese hands. This front is looking pretty rough for the Aussies, in no small part because of the thorn-in-the-side Kimberley. C’mon, Jandamarra. Let some carnage happen.

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    A small Vietnamese naval force is sent to terrorize the Western Aussie coast, and the Strayans don’t seem to have more than a single naval unit to deal with them. For the world’s biggest military, that’s pretty surprising. It seems the Vietnamese brought nukes to a ship fight, too, judging by the pillaged mine.

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    Rangoon, home of the best way to serve crab meat(don’t fight me on this, it’s true), seems to have been nuked itself. It’s in both Boer and Aussie range, so it’s a toss up as to who’s the culprit. In the east, it seems Saigon and Dong Hoi are on their last legs, and Hanoi is under threat too.

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    Moscow appears to have flipped a couple times, down to 3 pop. The Swedes have done a hell of a job defending Kharkov, and have even retaken Stalingrad. Seems like Stalin’s OwnTM is some pretty addictive stuff.

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    Though Lodz and Malmo are under heavy threat, it seems the Swedes are grinding Iceland to a halt, slowly but surely. Iceland is certainly winning this war at the moment, though.

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    The Swedish flag is back over Constantinople, and a push on Ohrid seems to be next on the agenda. It’s really a see-saw in the European theater at the moment.

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    The Brazilian overflow washes up on the shores of Inuit Central America. One has to wonder if these units are just really late for the short-lived Inuit-Brazil war a few parts back.

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    In a tremendous effort, the Aussies take Vijaya and Panduranga. When Saigon and Dong Hoi fall, it’s going to be a two-pronged attack on Hanoi, already deep in the red. Things aren’t looking good for the Sisters, as mission control for their Space Station is based in Hanoi.

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    Lashkar Gar is back in the hands of the Vietnamese. Of course, like all victories on this front, it is likely to be short-lived.

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    VietNukes are aboard a carrier and heading for the Boers. If they make it to the core, they could do some real damage here. On the other hand, the Boer cybersubs probably won’t let the carrier get too close.

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    Gothenburg is traded for Antioch, but holy hell the Sibir took Minsk! Things are looking worse for Gustavus, even if he’s likely to take it back.

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    Kharkov and Stalingrad flip again as things grow more dire for the Swedes. There’s hardly a single front that I’d consider them winning on, and they have four fronts!

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    Constantinople goes gray again as the Swedes reclaim Ohrid. Constantinople will likely flip back yellow soon, but this pancake war(Get it? ‘Cause it’s flip-floppety!) is really draining Swedish resources desperately needed elsewhere.

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    Malmo falls to the Icelanders as Sweden looks increasingly likely to lose damn near everything aside from Scandinavia.

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    One of the Gray forces lob a nuke all the way up to Linkoping, a city that one would think would be safe from this war. No rest for the weary, I suppose. Also, it is incredibly sad that the only Swedish naval melee unit I can see is a privateer. It’s 3026, Sweden. Get it together.

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    Big Carrier continues their death grip on Iceland’s navy. The Great Atlantic Garbage Patch is really shaping up to be greater and garbagier than its Pacific counterpart.

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    The Brazilian overflow reaches all the way north. I think the scarier thing for the Inuit is the lack of their own carpet, though. I mean, I know they have a ton of land, but you have to carpet, Ekeuhnick.

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    The Brazilian Antarctic colonies are looking pretty nice right about now. Well-defended, out of the way, peaceful, and prosperous. Might be one of the nicest places to live on the cylinder, if you like snowball fights and high population density.

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    If Parkes ever loses everything but one area, he’s going to be keeping his Antarctic holdings. These things are natural fortresses. Also, World Congress is looking to ban truffles and reject natural heritage sites like every other session.

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    Recruit I’mNotEvenGonnaTry uncovered a plot from the Mongols to take down the SnoreYaks once and for all. All I’m going to say, Genghis, is do it.

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    Saigon appears to have flipped back and forth a time or two, but that seems to be the only Aussie progress since we last visited them. Vijaya and Panduranga are back in Vietnamese hands for the moment, but don’t count on them staying that way too long.

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    The Boers push the Boerder past the Indus and take Lashkar Gar and Kandahar. Vietnam really can’t do well on two fronts at once. They just pushed the Strayans out of Southeast Asia, and now this. Gee whiz.

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    The Swedes continue to get railroaded by the Sibir, but things are looking up. In the bottom of the screen, you can see they’ve made peace with the Icelanders. Is it too little too late?

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    Holy hell look at that bordergore. Iceland gets to keep the prized Constantinople, as well as most of the Balkans, but at least the Swedes get Ohrid.

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    The Swedes lost a good chunk of land here. Malmo, Berlin, Hamburg, and a ton of damage to their heartland cities. Coiot's Note: The capital snipers never disappoint. Tasty Berlin and a secured Constantinople baby—tally for the top is tied at 11.

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    I can’t tell if this was a stupid peace deal offering or an actual invasion, but giving Iceland a beachhead for next war on the Scandinavian peninsula can’t be a good thing.

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    Let’s take a trip to Jokuskai. Producing nothing right now with its 356 hammers, but gold and science are flowing like water. Korea’s doing pretty well for itself.

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    On the Mongol side, we have Sanchu. Starving, also producing nothing with its 43 hammers, and doesn’t even have half the building Jokuskai has. On a tangentially-related note: SEJONG. DECLARE. A. WAR.

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    Everyone’s favorite one-tile island Kaneohe is up next. Producing mobile SAMs, perhaps preparing for the day someone comes back to wipe Hawaii off the map already. Most people want to see Yakutia killed already(and I am among them), but I really want to see the original peacekeepers get wiped out. They can’t keep clinging to life. Parkes pls.

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    Not wanting to let the Trungs be the only ones in space, Ingolfur orders a space station to be built in Waterford. To the left(and the right, and the top and bottom) you can see an incredible amount of carriers floating around doing absolutely nothing.

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    Off in the peaceful lands of the professional peacekeepers, Djarindjin is producing a stock exchange. Compared to the cities we’ve been seeing, the city looks pretty underdeveloped, but it IS in Antarctica.

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    The pendulum swings back towards the Aussies and they take Ambon, Panduranga, and Thi Li Bi Nai. With every flip of Panduranga, it looks increasingly more likely that Australia will hold it. The sisters are running out of units and cities to produce them in.

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    Never one to lose on both fronts at once, Vietnam scrounges up a hell of an army and sends them west to reconquer the Indus River Valley from the Boer. This time, however, they’re meeting some stiff resistance. But, in purely numbers, Vietnam seems to have the slight upper hand at the moment.

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    Sweden is getting pushed back heavily on this front. Hopes of holding both Jyvaskylas are fading fast. Moscow is loosely gray, but likely to stay gray when all is said and done.

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    Even more Brazilian overflow, this time in Iceland. Brazil, do some good with these units. Attack the Boers while they’re busy with the Trungs. Start the OCP part 2: Electric Boogaloo. Also, look how massive Porto is. 45 pop. Someone check to see if it’s the biggest city on the cylinder.

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    In the ever-more-green-and-not-just-because-the-radiation Sahara, we see a pretty sparse showing of Boer units that aren’t turn-time-murdering workers. Brazil would do fairly well in a war here. At least, during the beginning. But doing damage to the heart of the Boers would be fantastic for everyone who doesn’t want to see the orange menace prosper and steamroll like they’ve been doing(me).

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    In the more peaceful (but still getting bombed) part of the Australian Isles, we see fewer units than one would expect. Are the Aussies running out of units to throw at the Vietnamese?

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    Korea looks pretty well-carpeted at first, but it’s really just their navy. The Mongols probably have the most land units in the slide, but I’m certainly not counting them up.

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    Kandahar goes back to green, Lashkar Gar is next, the see-saw teeters back to Vietnam.

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    Kuopio falls, Linkoping and Jyvaskyla are under heavy threat, and Sweden is getting backed up heavily. The poor ethnic Finns in these cities can’t catch a break.

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    The Isles are looking pretty sparse these days. It’s pretty clear Ingolfur threw everything he had at the Swedes. Brazil and Aussie overflow make it this far north. The Strayans better get those guys back to Vietnam, their conquests sit largely undefended.

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    Antioch flips back to the Swedes, but their victory is going to be short-lived. A massive Sibir reinforcement is on the way. The Swedes better get some kind of peace deal soon, or they could be turned into another Mongolia.

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    The Boers continue the stalemate at the Indus. With a steady trickle of units coming from both sides, neither will have the upper hand to move the front either deeper into India or back to the mountains without some kind of overwhelming surge.

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    Dong Hoi is pretty solidly Aussie. The Vietnamese keep throwing everything they’ve got at defending Saigon, since holding it means holding Hanoi. Mounted on a spider tank are two nuclear missiles. Australia is trying to go in for the kill. Damn Australian spiders. Now they’re even radioactive.

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    A lone Australian cybersub stares down the huge Vietnamese armada descending upon the Old Kimberley Coast. Windjana has been nuked, yet again, unless Australia’s workers are really that slow. The only good thing for the Aussies on this slide is that Vietnam forgot to pack a melee unit.

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    Over in Eastern Australia one can see a bunch of naval units sitting around doing absolutely nothing to protect the about-to-be-hammered West Coast. C’mon Parkes. Go sink some ships.

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    The Korean-Inuit border is looking pretty thin on both sides. Ekeuhnick would do well to carpet Kamchatka and hit the Koreans with an invasion. He needs some more Asian clay.

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    As the Lone Star Battleship drifts along in the Pacific ocean, Sam Houston looks up from his bottle of Southern Comfort. His advisors tell him that Kuchum Khan wishes him dead. Sam gets up from his chair, staggers to his desk, and sloppily loads up his six-shooter. “Let ‘em come try.” he slurs, only to pass out shortly after.

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    Gorky is looking awfully hungry these days. They produce quite a bit of gold, but citizens can’t eat shiny metal(except maybe the Boers).

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    Eidsvoll, a highly productive Swedish city, produces yet another worthless cybersub. You are losing ground, Gustavus. Make a melee unit.

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    Looking at Ciudad Juarez now, we see the Blackfoot are producing power armor infantry. Lord knows that somewhere in the world needs another placeholder to fill every last tile and not use them.

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    Not content with this reality, the Boerg construct another simulation server. They render a spherical Earth, one where two hundred civilizations fight for domination. Well folks, no Infoaddict slides this week, so that just about wraps it up for this part. This has been u/Bronnakus, and it's been a pleasure!