Home  ✧   Albums  ✧   Part 88: Exercises in Futility

Part 88: Exercises in Futility

Narrated by Scissor

October 17, 2017

  1. Intro

    Hello and welcome to the 88th part of the Civilization Battle Royale! I am /u/Scissor_fingers, power ranker, modder, and very occasionally an artist. We start off with the amazing /u/Doccit's medals. Always such an great source of OC for the sub. I wonder what medals will this part will inspire!

  2. Map

    Normal maps don't really show us ocean borders which are critical for troop movement so when /u/Nathanmasse helped us all out with this super useful map, we get to see a lot more context. Here you see that the most ocean encompassing country is Australia, as expected, but it looks like the Boers aren't far behind. The Boers would do well to develop a navy that would rival the Wobbegong.

  3. PR Slide

    Last part, the Inuit managed to steal the number 1 spot from the resident ranker favorite, the Boers. We rankers are clingy bunch and didn't want to let go of our orange death robots for long. The Trungs are facing the wrath of Kruger, and the last time orange met green, an entire continent was secured.

  4. 1

    We start the part off with a shot of the front lines. The Boers are still starting their advance into Vietnam. They have rallied around Jerusalem, maybe hoping to receive blessings from the Spartan gods of war and victory. Armenia, perhaps hoping to prove to the rankers that Vietnam is a friend, signs a Research Agreement with them. On greener side of the shot, Vietnam is hurriedly rushing units to the both front lines, having successfully taken Carrollton from Sibir. Is this the start of a breakthrough or is this city destined to flip back and forth?

  5. 2

    Ah, mighty Texas. They are probably one of the safest city states in the cylinder, only at war with Brazil who can’t reach them. Although, it seems like Brazil lacks the navy to take on the outdated Texans anyways. It seems like they have decided to host the famous peacekeepers, the Hawaiian Globetrotters.

  6. 3

    ALERT! The Kimberley are planning to attack another civ with naval assets! Probably Sri Lanka! This news would be far more exciting if this wasn’t the 300th time the Kimberley was “attacking Sri Lanka”. I predict that all that will come out of this is that a fleet will go up to Sri Lanka and yell obscenities until they get tired and sail back home. In other news, the Blackfoot carpet has started to leak into Vietnam.

  7. 4

    We see Wulungarra, quickly approaching Kaneohe as the most densely populated island on the cylinder, as it prepares for the war effort. They’re building Jet Fighters, a wise choice, considering the amount of carriers in their navy. Now if only Vietnam started to build an air force, maybe learn something from the rumps.

  8. 5

    Here is the Swedish-Siberian border, freshly drawn after Kekkonen was evicted from the premises, maybe he missed a rent payment? One thing that is painfully obvious is that Sibir has basically no land army here. People complain that Sibir is too low on the rankings but this slide is a perfect reason why they don't deserve to be higher. They are barren anywhere except the Vietnamese front. A DoW from Sweden would tear through Sibir almost as fast as they tore through Finland. Come on Sweden make a move and secure superpower status!

  9. 6

    Down it goes! Antioch, temporary seat of the Finnish government, gets taken by a Swedish Organic Infantry. The Finnish cybersub fleet, trapped in the Black Sea can only watch in resigned acceptance as the Finnish empire crashes around them. Kekkonen flees to Tigranocerta, relying on the protection of Vietnamese peacekeepers as he abandons his people in Tashkent and Yervantashat, leaving them to the mercy of the Swedish menace, a lone mech artillery to defend the cities.

  10. 7

    Vietnam sends a paltry cybersub fleet against the Boer menace, hoping to face the famed Boer caravel+GDR combo. A big weakness Vietnam has is shown here plainly, there are no planes. Even the Kimberley, on one carrier, has more planes than Vietnam has in all the cities in this shot. I know flying is scary but I promise you it will help you win!

  11. 8

    Now we zoom in on the War of the Mountains, as a Sri Lankan tank camps out in Hrazdan, hoping to catch a glimpse of the action. The war is turning in Vietnam’s favor but they need to peace out ASAP if they want to hold on to Arabia. A lone Australian Digger visits the city founded by Kimberlean refugees in Sibir, Jarlmadangah Burru. Is he paying respects to the once great nation that his ancestors fought?

  12. 9

    You have got to wonder, what is Sibir building in all these cities? They’re obviously not making units otherwise, there’d be an actual military presence. Do the people of SIbir actually know that they’re at war with Eastasia Vietnam.

  13. 10

    As Lacsirax Ariscal hypothesized, Hawaii’s mind control of Australia is shown through their peacekeepers. The Aussies have formed a protective wall at Bamda preventing Vietnamese attack or Siberian counterattack. Also damn, that Mongolian carpet is THICC. Freaking teases, showing off, but never giving us some of that sweet carpet action.

  14. 11

    As noted in the last part, Brazil and Australia have signed Declarations of Friendship and are seen vacationing together in Korea. Quite a bunch of Koreeaboos I say. Also Korea is starting to build up a land army, maybe too late but folding the steel 1000 TIMES takes patience.

  15. 12

    Oh this is just pathetic, all of Korean China and the Korean peninsula is completely occupied by Australian units. Someone should tell Sejong that to win a domination game, one needs units. Also, bad news for Vietnam, it seems that Australia does not share open borders with them, is this a sign of a foreboding Aussie DoW?

  16. 13

    Here we see Australia throwing their Garbage Patch at other nations. The dump they’ve chosen? Brazil. Seriously Brazil, the only country that you are at war with, Texas, could destroy your entire navy in this shot without taking a serious loss.

  17. 14

    Tibet, eternal turtle, for some reason has not founded their religion yet, choosing instead to yell at fellow rump, Texas. Maybe Houston did not pay his Order of the Rump dues this week. But here also we see Vietnam’s reserves, quite numerous and enough to stave off Boer attack and plow straight into Sibir. Now only if they could actually get them to the front lines...

  18. 15

    The men of the garrison of Tashkent were brave men. Their government abandoned them. Their eternal leader ran away from the Swedes. Their military ran away from the Swedes. The civilians ran away from the Swedes. But not these men; these men saw the Swedes and they stood their ground.

  19. 16

    We finally revisit the front lines and Jericho seems to have fallen to a Boer BioTrooper. Is it just me or is the Vietnamese carpet looking just a bit more sparse?

  20. 117

    Najran falls to the Boers. Vietnam seems to be suffering major losses, but they finally seemed to have gotten the hint and placed 10 planes in Baghdad. Will this make recapture easier?

  21. 18

    Someone should tell the Oranj Fleets that they’re at war. They seem more comfortable enjoying the tropical islands of Middelburg and Ondini. I know some captains take R&R seriously but damn.

  22. 19

    Sibir flips Carrolton, but Vietnam seems poised to take it back. This war is more trouble than it’s worth for the Trungs. What happened to their legendary peace negotiating skills?

  23. 20

    Not much has changed here. The stalemate continues.

  24. 21

    The true brain of Australia is shown here. The Hawaiian border looks kinda like a chicken wing, which is something I just wrote because I have no idea what else is there to say about these guys.

  25. 22

    Little is known about the elusive MiniPedro, the regent of the Brazilian empire, but our spies have informed us that his refusal to build a navy stems from the fact that he thinks the ocean is a giant toilet for fish and refuses to go in the icky water.

  26. 23

    Matthew Perry, Buccaneer admiral extraordinaire has been tasked with improving economic relations with the Boer. Lazily, he sends a message across the Skynet to Kruger himself. It reads “Open the country, Stop having it be closed”.

  27. 24

    The Boers have lost nearly half a billion people due to starvation but you’d never be able to tell because they keep pumping out units like nobodies’ business. The Trungs have many reasons to fear Kruger and this is just one of them.

  28. 25

    Ingolfur pls invade Sweden while they’re rebuilding. (Actually don't because your navy is mainly carriers)

  29. 26

    Sweden makes its final push towards Yervantashat, but a pesky Armenian AA gun is in the way, forcing Sweden to make a coastal landing. Armenia really squashed the last hope they had at uniting their cities by not dogpiling on Finland.

  30. 27

    More progress as the Boerange Boerders now include Vung Tau. The Vietnamese appear to have constructed a defensive line around Baghdad and Pasargadae, I think this is as far as the Boer will go.

  31. 28

    The Boer navy is nowhere to be seen as Vietnamese subs and arsenal ships ride up and down the coast unchallenged. Vietnam also seems to be bringing troops to the action while it seems like Kruger has failed to provide his troops with reinforcements.

  32. 29

    One of the theories on Boer depopulation is based on the fact that the average Boer is not a human anymore but actually a digital consciousness that has been uploaded to SkyNet. That would explain the fact that they don't need bodies anymore and a reduction in population.

  33. 30

    At this point one must question Vietnam more than Sibir. How the hell have you not destroyed a civ this empty and devoid of units. Maybe the repeated nuking from the Finno-Siberian war many parts ago left them unable to think of nothing but building buildings over troops.

  34. 31

    Here we see that Vietnam is slowly un-puppeting these cities in their western regions. The Trungs’ experiment with decentralization is now over and now they are ready to take charge of the massive resources at their disposal.

  35. 32

    Genghis, as he looked on the vast hills and plains of the Steppe, sees peace. As he bends down and plucks a flower from the grass, he hears children running from yurt to yurt, playing hide and seek. Their laughs fill him with sadness. These are his Mongolians, his children. He knows that one day their laughs will be replaced with cries: cries of anger, cries of fear, cries of sadness, and then silence. He dreads the day he knows will have to come, but all he can do is prepare and pray that tomorrow isn't that day.

  36. 33

    The Boer offensive seems to have evaporated. Jericho is wide open; come on Vietnam this is your chance!

  37. 34

    At this point in the war, it seems a given conclusion that the Boers will keep Arabia. The real question is whether they will advance any farther. The Trungs have noticed this and have pulled their planes out of Baghdad, relocating them to somewhere safer (or maybe they were shot down, but hey let’s remain optimistic)

  38. 35

    The Boers have amassed their robotic armies at the Horn of Africa, in order to have them cross the Red Sea into Arabia. The Vietnamese cybersub fleet, not being able to recapture their cities, have resigned themselves to harassing Boer ships in the vicinity.

  39. 36

    The Trungs flip Carrollton and hopefully this time it will stay green. At Yervantashat, one of the last Finnish exclaves, Sweden starts a siege with Organic Infantry. Coming to finally realize how screwed he is, Kekkonen peaces out with the biggest threat to his empire, Tibet

  40. 37

    Vietnam finally reclaims Bamda, and this time it seems to be for good. This war is just like the great Vietnamese-Australia war, a pointless meatgrinder for both empires to throw units at.

  41. 38

    We get a shot of Scandinavia, finally unified in royal Swedish yellow. An Icelandic XCOM watches as Sweden starts bringing these new provinces to their former glory. If there’s anything for Ingolfur to fear, it is Gustavus’s newfound power.

  42. 39

    The Blackfoot are actually making very nice progress. They are teching up, shown by their new BioTroopers, and they are developing an overflowing carpet. None of it matters though. Winter is coming.

  43. 40

    Last part, Lacsirax Ariscal explained why she thought Iceland is the nicest place to live. I say it’s actually Inuit Canada/Texas. They’ve grown quite well, the scars of war healed over centuries, and they are in one of the safest spots on the cylinder. Iceland lives in perpetual fear of a coalition war from the Inuit, Sweden, and the Boers, but the Inuit don't have ANY threats that can cause them existential harm. The high standards of living, safety, and the nicer climate of these regions place it as the cylinder’s prime real estate.

  44. 41

    I am seriously thinking that during the reboot, Pedro rolled a negative naval bias. Has he contracted the Garbage Patch to do coastal security for him. Thankfully these two nations have absolutely no history of animosity between them.
 /s

  45. 42

    A Korean caravel, while swimming across the deep, encounters an Australian flotilla armed to the teeth with missiles. Maybe the crew of this caravel could do the same by bolting a Hwach’a on their deck. Iceland also joins in the caravel trend and sends two caravels on a scenic tour of the South American coast.

  46. 43

    Sri Lanka seems to have built itself a nice carpet but unfortunately it is completely surrounded by Vietnam. I just realized, is Sri Lanka just a bigger version of Tibet? If Tibet is the brains of ‘Nam, what does that make Sri Lanka? The heart? The liver? The colon?

  47. 44

    Kruger is making a push on Baghdad, bombing it down to the red. Is this the last of Vietnamese Arabia? Only if the Trungs care to build melee units to take it back I suppose.

  48. 45

    You know that one shot of the Boer navy a little while ago? Where did they go? Are they gonna confront the cybersub fleet or not? These Vietnamese ships can't do anything because Vietnam did not bother to create melee naval ships. In other news, a Sri Lankan convoy is escorting a Hawaiian Great Merchant across the coast of Africa, hoping to take advantage of the sudden break out of free trade.

  49. 46

    Boer reinforcements are trickling in, and Gyumri is in the red. Is it only me who finds that this mess of borders takes place right in middle east?

  50. 47

    Sweden takes Yervantashat, officially kicking Finland out of all of Europe. Maybe it is time to refer to Finland as what was suggested in the sub. Say bye to Finland everyone and say hi to Exclavia!

  51. 48

    Kuchum Khan takes back Carrollton and makes moves towards Nishapur, currently quite vulnerable. They say that insanity is doing something over and over again, and if thats true, Kuchum and the Trungs are the biggest nutcases on the cylinder.

  52. 49

    The Trungs gather their forces at Khost, Nyingchi, and Nagchukha. The young men and women in their armies reduced nothing but numbers and units on the vast chessboard of war. Millennia ago, when Stalin was asked about the razing of Leningrad he responded “One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic”. This war has generated quite a lot of statistics.

  53. 50

    I have figured out why Sibir doesn’t like to make land units. The Chinese Knights near Hameenlinna must have driven fear into the hearts of Siberians so much that the normal Siberian would rather join the navy or throw themselves at Vietnam rather than share a carpet with Comrade Mao.

  54. 51

    The half dozen useful ships in Pedro’s navy make their way to Europe. Does this signal a future DoW against the Boers? Or maybe they want to defect to a nation with an actual navy, like Iceland.

  55. 52

    Looking at city populations here, it seems like Brazil has not suffered as much from the Great Famine as much as other countries were. This means that Pedro has a strong core that he can rely on as he makes war on his neighbors, whoever they might be.

  56. 53

    And now we conclude our part with a shot of major cities worldwide. We begin with Seoul. Sejong decided that the best way to redevelop his military was to not build any military units at all, deciding to work on satellites instead. People should remind him that this game doesn’t have a scientific victory.

  57. 54

    We worried that nukes were not going to be used in Mk 2.1 but Genghis is letting his newly hired general, straight from the invasion of Mali, Gandhi make the decisions here.

  58. 55

    Parakramabahu is trying hard to catch up with his neighbors in tech, but the great scientist that he will soon unlock will only delay the inevitable. Maybe he should pick out his new outfit for when he becomes added to the Trung Sister’s collection of leaders.

  59. 56

    Stockholm focuses its citizens on food as it desperately tries to fight off the Great Famine, stealing tiles from Helsinki in the process. Conquering them was enough, but now Gustavus feels the need to prolong the Finns’ suffering.

  60. 57

    Finally the Info Addict is upon us. The Boers (unsurprisingly) lead the world in science output, followed by Australia, due to their hundreds of cities. Vietnam should really try to fix their stagnant science output if it really hopes to come out of this war victorious.

  61. 58

    Just like in real life North Korea, Korea possesses a 99% literacy rate. Also 3/4ths of Yakuts can read and write; that must inspire some really depressing poetry.

  62. 59

    Less than half of Tibetans can read, but who needs reading if you got a giant green friend that does all the smart stuff too. Wait does that mean that Vietnam is the Hulk?

  63. 60

    The Boers and Vietnam are the most cultured, but what is truly surprising is that the lowly Yakuts are even more cultured than the Australians, Swedes, and Koreans.

  64. 61

    Sri Lanka has almost no culture compared to the rest but when, they are cut off from the world by Vietnam, who could blame them?

  65. 62

    For living in a world plagued by war, famine, hatred, and death, the denizens of the CBR are quite happy. Maybe this is a case for not solving our problems in the real world.

  66. 63

    Yakutia is the least happy, not a big surprise.

  67. 64

    Welp this dream catcher like diagram is too complicated for me to describe, but surely someone in the sub will do that for me. This part has been great and this is /u/Scissor_fingers signing off! See y’all next week!