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Part 93: Fortunate S'on

November 21, 2017

  1. Intro Slide

    Welcome one and all to this, the ninety-third part of the r/civ Battle Royale! Professional procrastinator /u/sparrowhawk815 here, bringing you up to date on all of this week's cylindrical events. Last week's part was one of the most eventful in history, featuring both the Iceland vs. Sweden Battle for Europe and the Sibir/Boer/Australian takedown of Vietnam, as well as a new declaration of war by the Inuit on Brazil. Here we see proud Australia nobly wielding the hammer of the gods.

  2. Melon Map

    Here we have /u/SphericalMelon's famous map, featuring the state of the world last part. Last week, Iceland took Messene, Tegea and Ohrid, and Australia took Vigan and Thi Li Bi Nai from Vietnam, while Vietnam took Gordium back from the Boers. Honestly, I love this map, and as a linguist the local area names warm my heart. Special mention to a few of my favourites, Groot Dvin, Guatemalarrr and Radland.

  3. Kills Graph

    Here is a map of all kills in the game so far. The Boers are leading with 5 kills, having taken out Ethiopia, the Kongo, the Zulus, Mali and Sparta. Finland and Vietnam are in second, with four kills each.

  4. PR Slide

    And here are the last three civs to be eliminated and to join us on our hallowed submarine, Sparta, Tibet, and Texas. 18 civs remain, but only one can win the game.

  5. 1

    We begin this part in the peaceful Caribbean, where an icy chill has filled the air, like a mojito with one ice cube too many. The candles are lit. The stage is set. Whose flame shall be extinguished by the winds of war tonight?

  6. 2

    The pirate port of Tulum has become the latest casualty in the War of Ice and Samba. An Inuit submarine appears to have nuked the city into the red, the men aboard the vessel condemning themselves to a watery grave in the process. As the Inuit have open borders with the Buccs, they have every opportunity to crush Brazil with their incredible production potential. For their submarine's sacrifice to be worth it, however, they will need to throw all of their resources into a difficult naval assault.

  7. 3

    Now that eight major world powers are embroiled in a major conflict, I think it is safe to call this a World War. Whether this is World War Three or World War Four, I can't remember. Now, over to the war that stole the show last part, the Viet Kongquest. Vietnam is basically surrounded, with a Boer firebomb run obliterating the Western provinces, Sibir and Australian forces pouring down from the north, and Australia's main force coming from the south and east. Thanks to the Kimberley peacekeepers however, Australia will be hard pressed to land units in this part of Asia, and the two great powers resign themselves to bombing runs for now.

  8. 4

    Vigan, the home of tofu-lovers around the world, has sadly turned into a human meat blender. No less than 12 Aussie X-COMs are plowing through the Vietnamese heartland, damaging the cities of Bien Hoa, Than Hoa and Da Nang. The metropolis of Hoi An, easily the largest city on Earth, teeters on the brink of utter destruction.

  9. 5

    The Boer forces march on, their planes damaging cities as far east as Kandahar. In the mountains, Vietnamese units defend the cities of Lahor and Kabul from Sibir and Australian rebels. The real fight is still to come, however- if the Boers can take Kabul and Samarkand, they can wreak havoc across the flat plains of the Ganges. In response, the Trungs have filled the Afghan capital with aircraft- Kabul will be where they make their last, best defense of India.

  10. 6

    In terms of land forces at least, the Sweden-Iceland conflict is disastrously even-matched. An Icelandic crusade of organic infantry marches on Corinth, while the Swedes have regained control of Munich and rained fire on Tegea, Cumae, Ravenna and Neapolis. When this war started, though my heart was with Iceland, I reckoned Sweden would win. Though Iceland has the upper edge in production and technology, rugged Europe favours the defender.

  11. 7

    Noble Ur-Ziguruma reveals a Trung plot to destroy their greatest threat, Armenia. Meanwhile, a fly-by of the Boerdom reveals steadily growing cities, and a scary amount of vertols and cybersubs.

  12. 8

    Bien Hoa falls to Australia. I believe this is the first Vietnamese-founded city to be taken in this war- and with every city taken, the greater the chance that Parkes (Australia) will come out with a sizable piece of Asia. Elsewhere, a cohort of diggers pummels Rach Gia into the red. The diggers chew their gum, their trembling hands struggling to steady their guns and cigarettes. All their training fighting kangaroos on aircraft carriers in the Pacific Garbage Patch has led them to this. They will rage across Vietnam like vegemite spread perfectly over a piece of buttered toast.

  13. 9

    A glance at Petit-Goave tells us the Buccs are currently building a carrier. All their pantries and cellars must be full, presumably.

  14. 10

    In Agra, the Vietnamese are currently producing... nothing at all. 376 science from a single city is not to be sniffed at, though.

  15. 11

    Holy crap! All of ancient Persia has been smothered by a radioactive carpet of destruction. Samarkand, Lashkar Gar and Isfahhan have all certainly been nuked, and I'm guessing that the bombings of Gordium and Persepolis happened before Boer occupation. If the Vietnam dogpile has shown us anything, it's that no civ is too big to fall, and therefore any of the major powers could win this game. Now however, I'm starting to think the Boer onslaught is truly unstoppable. No civ can withstand the might of a nuclear arsenal that is constantly being replenished.

  16. 12

    Either a nearby iceberg has calved, or a train of nuclear explosions have set off the Babylonian submarine's seismographs. Than Hoa, Da Nang and Hoi An have all been nuked, showing that the Australians, for once in their lives, are not dicking around.

  17. 13

    The International Space Station passes, though how orbits work in cylindrical space is beyond me. The Boer heartland continues to grow, strengthened by the Vietnamese blood now flowing through their power grid.

  18. 14

    Rach Gia falls to Australia, and the Aussie forces turn to Hai Phong. With ten planes in the city, this would be a prize catch for Parkes. To make matters worse for the Trungs, more Aussie reinforcements are pouring in from Korea. I've commented before that Korea is often overlooked, and this slide proves it. They have a powerful military, and could do serious damage to Vietnam. What's more, they are surrounded on all sides by empty cities and weak neighbours, with the exception of the Inuit.

  19. 15

    Ghazni falls to the Boers. The chaos here is indescribable; women and children rush into the streets, carrying white flags and pleading for mercy. Paul Kruger's vast mechanical mindset hears their entreaties, and responds with all the compassion of a Vogon DMV. In a flash, the city falls.

  20. 16

    Iceland takes Corinth, but they look unlikely to hold it. Their capture of Constantinople has allowed them to release cybersubs, like koi, into the Black Sea. Without reinforcements though, the area is set to stay distinctly yellow.

  21. 17

    It is now clear that the Icelandic land advance has faltered. The Swedish army has sent reinforcements to assault the Icelanders through every mountain pass, while their air force in Lodz pummels every grey-green stronghold. For Ingolfur's War Council in Reykjavik, it is no longer a question of pushing forward, but of saving what cities they have.

  22. 18

    Actually, you know everything I said about Iceland being weak? I take that back. If they can get their armada of cybersubs and advanced destroyers to the other side of the Irish Isles, their failings in central Europe will be nothing more than sparklers before the fireworks. Also, a 24 pop snow city is not bad, Ingolfur, not bad.

  23. 19

    WHY, TRUNGS? WHY? Not to be put off by the sight of their empire collapsing all around them, the Trung Sisters have built the International Space Station in Hanoi. Extra science and production and more powerful Great Scientists are not bad for Vietnam, however it would be better if they still had a civilization to benefit from it. Oh, Trungs. You may have extinguished Mao from this world, but his spirit lives within you.

  24. 20

    The Inuit and Brazil make peace, ending a dud war. While only Laredo fell to the White Walkers, the war at least showed they could send troops south. While South America collectively breathes a sigh of relief, the world wonders: where will the Inuit strike next?

  25. 21

    Brazil is now sending 2400 gold per turn to the Inuit, in addition to the 1400 GPT they are already sending to Australia. This will severely hurt Pedro's economy, while giving even more to those in power. It seems austerity measures are thriving in the cylinder.

  26. 22

    The aerial war continues in the skies over Indonesia. Amaravati, Thi Li Bi Nai, Indrapura, Kauthara and Panduranga are heavily damaged from the Aussie air force, while Vietnamese Air Patrol puts the cities of Whangarei, My Son, Ambon and Mataram into the black. The Viet cites are largely unconquerable, but a lucky X-COM could sneak into Thi Li Bi Nai or Kauthara.

  27. 23

    The APEC global summit is unexpectedly cut short as a crowd of bloodthirsty Australians capture the city and surround the building. World leaders from all over the cylinder cower under their desks as the conference takes fire from a squad of Laser Death Kangaroos. To the north, Aussie forces have made no progress against Hai Phong's impressive 168 defence; to the south, Hoi An could fall at any moment. Parkes has committed no less than five X-COMs to the fight for Asia.

  28. 24

    The Sweden-Iceland front is once again at a stalemate. Swedish air superiority has laid many Icelandic cities low and even damaged Orleans. Ingolfur needs to be careful here, as a properly placed Swedish organic infantry could easily capture Neapolis.

  29. 25

    In the depths of Kimberley Antarctic Territory perches the Wulungarra Walled City. More than 30 million people live upon this tiny rock, pressed side by side, knocking knees and elbows. The claustrophobic scents of the sunless city have made of it a Mecca for the cylinder's human driftwood. Refugees of all kinds make their homes here; the war-torn Persians, French, and Inca jostle political refugees from America, Afghanistan, Tibet. How does the fantastic city sustain itself, you ask? Only by trade, which forms the lifeblood of the city's daily bread. If war ever breaks these precious arteries, the city is doomed.

  30. 26

    Vietnamese submarines flood into the Persian gulf, while the Boers threaten Susa and Kabul turns deep red. The cities of Samarkand, Lashkar Gar, Isfahhan and Susa have recovered somewhat, but the army the Trungs have put together is battered and demoralized, the soldiers having lost their ignorance of death. And still the Boers pour in.

  31. 27

    "The war against Sweden has developed not necessarily to our advantage," says Urho Kekkonen, in a speech from his new palace, a garden shed in Tyumen. With his remaining arm, he dabs a bullet-ridden hankerchief over his forehead. Sweden and Finland have made peace.

  32. 28

    Kekkonen debates with his Minister of Finance over whether or not 515 gold per turn is enough money to justify the continued safety of his one remaining arm.

  33. 29

    The Babylonian submarine has completely eclipsed Armenia in research. Not to mention military manpower, life expectancy, and general happiness with one's place in the world.

  34. 30

    Kekkonen sits up suddenly. A twinge in his arm appears to have woken him. Satisfied it is still attached, Kekkonen goes back to sleep.

  35. 31

    Dissatisfied with Australia's war efforts, the country's congregation of Prime Ministers campaign to pursue more achievable goals, such as targeting dead civs over living ones.

  36. 32

    Absolutely no progress has been made in this theater, though there are distinctly less Vietnamese cybersubs than usual. Australian units have disembarked, putting Vietlaysia in further peril. The great engine of Vietnamese Kongquest shudders, its vast machinery working at full capacity.

  37. 33

    There seem to be more Aussie units than ever before in South-East Asia. Hai Phong falls to half health, and Hoi An and Than Hoa are deep into the red. The tides of refugees from the conquered cities are unceasing; in the midst of the crowds a woman screams in the pain of giving birth; the crowds move on around her. In the Vietnamese cites, the panicked soldiers fill the whorehouses- this could be their last night on the cylinder. Across Vietnam, monstrous upheavals of life are taking place. As in the death throes of a dragon, the air is full of sex and slaughter.

  38. 34

    A look at northern Asia shows us that even more Aussies are on the way, and complete conquest of Vietnam looks less and less like a mere vegemite pipe dream. This part of Vietnam is severely depleted of units, leaving the Trungs' nothern cities especially vulnerable.

  39. 35

    A rebel mix of Diggers, Bio Troopers and X-COMs threaten Nagchukha and Nyingchi, already at half health. Even if Mongolia jumped on the bandwagon, they could make serious gains here.

  40. 36

    Sibir Bio Troopers thread through the mountains, damaging Khost and Lahor. Vietnam has 40 planes in this shot, and while they are excellent at keeping Sibir cities in the red, I feel they could be better placed on one of this war's more murderous front lines.

  41. 37

    Morgoth's- err, I mean Kruger's- Bio Troopers charge towards Gondolin- er, Kabul, the Trung's most important stronghold in the mountains. Samarkand and Kabul are the East's best protection from the Boers, and if they fall, so shall the world.

  42. 38

    Icelandic units make a last stand to hold Constantinople. Ingolfur stands to make great gains elsewhere, but so far the Black Sea theater has been a disaster for Iceland.

  43. 39

    The European stalemate continues. The Icelandic cities remain undefended, with no Swedish units around to take them. Gustavus may be fighting with all he has.

  44. 40

    Sweden makes a push for Cologne, pushing it into the yellow, as the few Icelandic units that can defend the city are stuck in a vicious mutant battle around Neapolis. The blockade continues- Sweden unable to capture Cologne and Neapolis, Iceland unable to take Hamburg and Munich.

  45. 41

    Sweden damages Limerick, Galway and Waterford, as Iceland prepares the first stage of her naval invasion of Scandinavia. Icelandic cybersubs may never reach Stockholm, but these Norwegian cities are immensely vulnerable in the shivering North Sea. The battle for Skam and Kanken backpacks has just begun.

  46. 42

    What is this? A glitch in the matrix has infected Isfahhan! We can tell however that the city has strong science and production, and a wealth of future worlds buildings.

  47. 43

    Bukhara is similarly affected by the glitch, but continues to build a paratrooper regardless. Though Armenia is wise to invest in their military, they are somewhat beyond all help at the moment. Many Armenia fans out there, however, still hold out for a spectacular return to power.

  48. 44

    Our intrepid spies take on challenging missions in Hrazdan, Beryozovo, Kaneohe, Kilkenny and Yakanarra. I've always wondered, is Kilkenny a South Park reference?

  49. 45

    The Swedish Crusade takes Constantinople, and an army of Organic Infantry and Flying Moustaches head west, no doubt to take the Icelandic Balkans.

  50. 46

    Mexico, where ten thousand cacti brood in umbra. Mexico, where the snows fall on the flanks of Citlaltepetl. Mexico, where the streets heave and swell with the colours of the dead. In centuries past, this ancient land fell into ruin, and the Blackfoot conquerors inherited cities made of ash. Now however, the ghost towns overrun with Texan orphans are no more. The modern Blackfoot nation is a thriving empire, and in this time of global crisis, she has turned to military might. All Blackfoot children know to prepare for the eventual war for North America, and in this part of the continent at least, it's a war they stand to win.

  51. 47

    Desperation has pushed the Swedes to make the ultimate choice. Two bombs have fallen on the Irish Isles, covering them with radioactive fallout. Millions of lives are stifled in an instant. If these two nations had any hope of withdrawing from the war before, there is none now. This is a fight to the death. Their horns are locked together, like two great oxen in a maelstrom of dust.

  52. 48

    Ingolfur reacts in due measure to this desecration of the heart of his empire. A salvo of destruction engulfs the Swedish capital, and even the island of Vasteras is caught in the blast.

  53. 49

    Australia takes Than Hoa, with Hai Phong surrounded and set to suffer the same fate. This move puts the Australians one step closer to the jewels in the Trungs' crown: Hoi An, Saigon, Hanoi. Who knew a nation consistently ranked third in the world could fall so far? The Trungs didn't, and their blind motherly rage has become a grief-struck pit of vengeance. Cybersubs are quickly sent south, bearing gifts of death.

  54. 50

    Kabul falls to Paul Kruger, and the Doomsday Clock shifts closer to midnight. The Boers waste no time in damaging Isfahhan, Lashkar Gar, Kandahar and Samarkand, and preparing their breach of India.

  55. 51

    Hai Phong falls, putting another nail in the Trungs' coffin. Though the Vietnamese have the city blockaded, it is unlikely they will take it back. To the north, Tianjin sits in the red, another city on a precipice.

  56. 52

    The Viets successfully retake Bamda, and drive out the Australians and Sibir. To help them in their time of greatest need, they have taught soldiers to control giant robots, such as the one outside Nagchukha. Perhaps Great Scientist Guillerno del Toro is secretly working for them?

  57. 53

    Sweden takes Ohrid, though Icelandic Organic Infantry still have a presence in the area. Iceland is finally pulling in units to protect her southern cities. Swedish tales of gold drive Icelandic ships to new lanes, and a chain of cybersubs winds around the southern capes of Greece.

  58. 54

    Sweden also takes Cologne, and the two navies do battle in the immediate aftershave. Though one brave soldier has reached Denmark, the Icelanders are no closer to winning Norway or even Hamburg. Perhaps the support of Brazilian peacekeepers will rally their morale.

  59. 55

    A Buccanneer carrier carries a payload of two atomic bombs. Do your duty, Captain Morgan. ANY nuclear pirate war will be spectacular. To the east, an Inuit submarine patrols the Atlantic Ocean. Though the unit may seem lost, the Inuit are in fact expert navigators. As well as a schooling in How to Fight Wars Good, Inuit children also receive a solid grounding in geometry, owing perhaps to the triangular nature of their alphabet.

  60. 56

    And with that, we go on to Info Addict. Of note, the Vietnamese economy has plummeted, while the Inuit grow significantly thanks to all their Brazilian booty. The Australian stock market has also fallen substantially, but that tends to happen every year in Australia on Take Your Pet To Work Day. Have a look in the corner of this slide for an important peace deal.

  61. 57

    Yakutia are tail end on happiness with a measly 89, though for superpowers, Korea and Sweden are well behind the curve with 950 and 811 happiness respectively.

  62. 58

    Korea, the Inuit, Australia and the Boers lead in technology, with Vietnam six techs behind. Sweden trails 9 techs behind Iceland, so there is hope for Ingolfur yet.

  63. 59

    Armenia trails 48 techs behind the world leaders, while the Kimberley are only two techs ahead of Sri Lanka.

  64. 60

    The Boers lead the world in faith- faith in supplication to Boerg World Domination, that is.

  65. 61

    ...and Hawaii and Yakutia trail in faith production of the extant civs.

  66. 62

    Lutheranism has taken hold in the most cities, while the Blackfoot's religion has plenty of room to expand in the Americas.

  67. 63

    And finally, here is the cold, cold city of Beryozovo. Well this has been /u/sparrowhawk815, and a big thanks to /u/Coiot and /u/LimerickArcher for letting me fulfill my boyhood dream of narrating a Battle Royale part! This has been an awesome episode, with Australia's takedown of the Asian Tigers, the Battle for Europe, and plenty of nuclear icing on the battle-hardened war cake. Until next week, goodbye!