Part 10: Let Slip the Frogs of War!

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Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening to you fine folks around the globe. This is your bestower of credits, deviser of prices, ranker of power, and celebrator of cake /u/bluesox, proud to bring you this nail-biting installment of non-stop action. If you’ve been enjoying the Battle Royale, head over to the Megathread in /r/civbattleroyale to offer tribute to based god TPangolin and his fellow civ modders. Make sure to ignore all family and work obligations to keep up to date on the latest conjecture and original content found in the subreddit. In some cultures, it’s considered appropriate for the birthday boy to supply gifts to his guests. I can think of no greater gift to give all of you than the Official /r/Civ 60+ Civ Battle Royale! Part 10: “Let Slip The Frogs Of War!”

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Many thanks to /u/SylonL for the continued supply of high quality maps. Take a moment and enjoy the state of the world as we left it, preferably at full resolution for all the yummy goodness, because it won’t stay like this for long.

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Here are your top ten contenders as determined by a crack squad of elite power rankers. Notice the (not) GLARING ERROR above, as Yakutia fails to be recognized for its true power. I blame Canada.

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A beautiful representation of the world in polandball format by /u/EmeraldRange! Remember to check out /r/civbattleroyale for stuff like this on a daily basis!

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When we left Portugal in the last installment, Maria had been put in the global spotlight as several countries decided they just plain didn’t like her. Here we see, wait. A NAVY OF ELEPHANTS storming Arretium?! I guess Hannibal saw how well it worked for Leonidas and Darius, and he wants in on the action. I wonder what the buoyancy of a Punic African Forest Elephant is. Just the fact that this is happening made me so giddy I almost completely missed Antium falling into the red. What a gain for Leonidas. Looks like Sparta is going for the jugular. Napoleon has made it through the Alpine pass and is knocking on Ravenna’s door, but his invading force is less than imposing. Of note: Mongolia has no use for China anymore, and Ingolfur says that he’s taught Lincoln the lesson he deserved for that brazen settling of St. Louis. (Honestly, Abe. What were you thinking?)

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After making peace with Selassie, Paul Kruger can now focus his full attention on M’banza-Kongo. A swordsman takes the brunt of the damage, laying his life on the line to protect the capital. A Zulu scout trembles in horror and sends word to Shaka that Kruger is not to be tangled with. (Can I say fucked with? Because he really isn’t to be fucked with either.) That isn’t stopping Nzinga, though. She wants KaKongo back, and she actually brought some melee units to do it. At the very top of the slide we see a slap fight outside of Klerksdorp. (Really, /u/KingEggbert? You give Australia shit for their city names and let this atrocity slide? For shame.) By the way, are you sitting down? If you aren’t, you really should be. I hate to break this to you, but…

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Here’s Chile in all it’s glory! That’s right, folks. The hype train has pulled into the station. O’Higgins has made a decent nation for himself and secured open borders with Argentina. I think it was a good deal for Chile. They get to put land units in Argentina and scout out a path for the infamous Backdoor Squad, and Perón gets to put a single trireme in Chilean waters. What could go wrong? Copiapo has grown nicely in the time since we never got to see it ever before. (Thank you, TPang, for re-rolling so we could get more of this pleasantly colorful South American eye candy.) The city will be an important staging point in the future. However, Chile has been struggling with overall growth, and seems to have fallen behind in tech. With Buenos Aires at 21 pop, Argentina is a better friend than foe. Looks like Bernardo is making smart decisions so far. How long will it last?

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Check out those Terrace Farms outside Cusco. The Incan Unique Tile Improvement provides +1 food with an additional +1 for each adjacent mountain, of which the Inca have plenty. Pachacuti could use the additional growth after a protracted war, though his real estate pales in comparison to the green giant of the Amazon. Perón thinks so, too, as she sends a spearman in to check out the dense jungle. This makes Pachacuti jealous, and he orders his minstrels to play goth pan flute while he sulks in his chambers. Of note: Morgan has put a cork in the bottleneck to the north to protect Campech, charging an exorbitant fee to leave the continent.

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Some Hawaiians are negotiating passage through the Nassau Canal and sharing tales of Pacific superpowers over a jug of grog. They admire the Bucs islands and offer a choice recipe for loco moco. “Rice, spam, crack egg and mixemup. It‘s ‘ono, bruddah. Broke da mouth!” This confuses the pirates, who are already self-conscious about dental hygiene, but they do like the sound of it. Eva’s keeping Paraná undefended almost as if to tempt Morgan into war. I’m sure he’d love to add that to his collection of cities, but since it holds no threat he’s wiser to leave it be for now and see what the future holds. In this slide we see Pacal’s lone swordsman among a woefully outdated military. On the plus side, he finally figured out that wood floats and is testing some naval vessels on the open seas. Also, there’s peace in the Middle East, and David is now best BFFs 4 life with Genghis Khan. They spend hours every night sending notes to each other via carrier pigeon. They promise they’ll never do anything to hurt each other, because that’s totally not what BFFs do. Like, ugh. Of note: A Brazilian trireme just generally being an all-around asshole and hogging all the atoll to himself. I hope you get shipwrecked. That tile doesn’t even belong to anybody, you dick. Ahem. Moving on...

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WOW! Waipahu, how you have grown. Even when they’re not doing it island style, the Hawaiians are still doing it plenty. I’m sure Benito is salivating over that potential addition to his empire, but first he has to learn how to actually *take* cities. In the meantime, Los Angeles and Merida need some room to breathe. Sadly, Mexico has the lowest average city population in all of the Western Hemisphere. If only Benito had been able to get Petra before those pesky Sioux stole his dreams away. Oh, look. America *finally* has some composite archers. It’s about time. It also appears as though the Sioux and the Blackfoot might have open borders, too. It’s hard to tell through the fog, though. Note from TPang: “Regarding Waipahu‘s growth, this quote from /u/Antimattergizmo comes to mind - ‘And as usual, Kame is the King of ”Luau and Chill?”. A new method of courting while watching dances “through the seasons” with your partner, usually ending in Ohana.‘

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Speaking of which, let’s head over to the Northern Leagues, where the Sioux think they can play ball with the Inuit. To be fair, they do have some crooked numbers on the board. We get our first look at Mawahota, where the venison is kept so fresh it‘s on ice before it hits the ground. We also get a glimpse at an astutely placed citadel. If the Inuit decide to rekindle The “Indian” War, this will prove to be a valuable base of operations in the Arctic theater. In the meantime, they’ve sent over a trireme to make obscene gestures and boast about being “true” Snow Bros.

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Ka-Ka-KaKongo BREAKER! Nzinga drives the paleskins out and reclaims the city for Kongo. The swordsman outside M’banza-Kongo still seems to be holding on with help from reinforcements. All in all, a good turn for the Kongo here. Interestingly, the Boers have completely abandoned Petersburg during all the action. Also, looks like Kumasi is going to fall to Morocco again. I’m assuming there are more than just two triremes staging the assault, but given how this game has gone so far I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the entirety of their invasion forces.

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Well, hot damn! As if Kuchum Khan needed more enemies he decides to go and build Machu Picchu, giving a hefty boost to Sibir‘s treasury. Pacal denounces Attila, and someone lost a capital. I wonder who that could be. Also in that general area of the screen is another expertly placed citadel. I’ve been rather impressed with the AI’s use of them in this game. I haven’t seen a pointless citadel yet. Notice Urgench doesn’t need one, as Afghanistan hasn’t even been able to put a dent in it. Of note: A Timurid settler has nowhere to go. Bummer.

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And like that, Persia fittingly has control of the Gulf. This puts them in a great spot for expansion. All the neighboring cities have modest population and few defending units. Persia came up on this peace treaty. They seem to be fine with letting that Mughal scout camp out on their stone, though. I wouldn’t be cool with it, but I didn’t just successfully launch an amphibious assault, so what do I know? In Negombo we see Sri Lanka’s UU, the Balata, a longswordsman unlocked at Metal Casting who heals three times as fast when on a river tile. We also see a Finnish scout trying to go unnoticed outside Israel. He may be a nice goy, but that’s not enough to enter *this* holy land. By the way, are you still sitting down, because...

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Here’s China in all its glory! Yeah, it just doesn’t have the same pizzazz the second time around. Some Mongolian archers relayed the news of their Siberian acquisitions to Korean swordsmen at Guangzhou, word got around, and Sejong started a chain of high-fives that led all the way to Genghis Khan himself. Now they’re standing outside Beijing with their arms folded and laughing at what’s left of a former — I can’t believe it — second-place ranked civ. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. If you look hard enough, you can almost see where someone spray painted “Chairman Mousey Dung” on the walls of Beijing.

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There’s Yakutia. Doing nothing. They have a catapult. And some other stuff. There was some talk about where the /r/civmodelworldcongress should put their home base. How about where that cluster of scouts is hanging out up there?

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If you’re like me, the first thing you noticed in this slide was Hawaiian soldiers just chilling on the Asian mainland, not the cluster of Vietnamese trebuchets on the left. It’s hard to tell their purpose for being there, since Kamehameha could have easily sent scouts if he wanted to check out the area. It also looks like Meiji isn’t going to let Hai Phong convert to Akatt-u if he can help it. Of note: In the peace treaty between Vietnam and The Philippines, it looks like Rizal got to keep Vigan in exchange for a one-way open borders agreement. In other news, central Africa is quiet again. I wonder what the terms of that agreement happened to be.

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Well, Nzinga got to keep KaKongo without giving anything else away. A solid display by the Kongo so far. I’m impressed. Oh hey. I didn’t even realize Tibet and the Mughals were still fighting. I guess they didn’t either, until someone found a tattered book in an attic. They blew off the dust and could only make out part of the title, “something something Fight Wars— Oh, shit. That’s right. I forgot to send that letter to Akbar.”

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Back to the Great Clusterfuck, where A.I. stands for Amphibious Invasion. Hannibal has seized Arretium, leaving only two Punic Elephants and a pair of spearmen to defend against the ENTIRE Portuguese army. It’s a ballsy move, but it could be disastrous if it fails. He has next to nothing when it comes to reinforcements. He has put out a good protective force to allow that settler to claim Sardinia, if he can gain control of the tile. Leonidas is once again proving proving the ruthless might of Sparta by laying waste to the Roman navy. Cumae still stands tall with nary a scratch while Sparta storms the seas. With Antium circling the drain, Rome will soon join Germany in the three-city club. And after all that warring, who knew these two would have so much in common? Of note: France has upgraded to pikemen, possibly preparing to join in against Portugal.

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There are the other Moroccan triremes. Kumasi is about to pull a Bilma and fall back into the hands of Marun al-Manslaughter. I’ll leave it up to the guys in the War Room and their thorough recording of conflicts around the globe to tally the number of times the city has changed hands. Of note: The Ashanti territory looks a lot like a turtle here. Too bad they didn’t try that strategy instead.

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Here we see Morocco in its entirety. Can anyone tell me why they still haven’t settled that one-tile island next to Leiria? Interestingly, they’ve posted a spearman on the Iberian peninsula, right in the perfect place to drop a city and set off a war I’m sure we’d all love to see. Holding that sea tile has been a game-changer, forcing Maria to split her navy. Queen Elizabeth must be pleased. Sale is enjoying the isolation provided by Morocco’s control of the coastline. That will have to change once al-Mansur’s neighbors start building caravels.

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The Inuit just won’t quit. Rex is on the loose as they push another settler toward Kamchatka. If he takes that nice mountainous spot at the bay north of the peninsula, I’m going to be so pissed. That’s a perfect place for the Yakuts to build a city. With the potential for five camps, it would easily be the highest gold-per-turn city in the game. If you look at the top of this slide, you’ll notice a string of Inuit units most likely heading toward the New World (it’s so weird to think of it that way) for city defense. Of note: Zulus and Ashanti make peace, not that it ever mattered anyway.

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In this war of giants, neither side has made any progress. Lahor has been starved out a bit by Afghan troops, but remains impenetrable. Perhaps out of frustration, Mirwais Hotak sends a lone composite bowman into Samarqand to die. I wonder what he did to deserve such a fate. To the west, Armenia is making headway against the Timurids at Bukhara. It turns out that settlers don’t make very good soldiers. Armenia is gaining confidence, as they pull their catapult blockade closer to shore south of Yervantashat. In the East, an Afghan settler knocks on Nyingchi’s gate, asking if they would kindly move so he can put down the flag he’s been carrying for, like, ever now. This open borders agreement between Tibet and Afghanistan may prove useful to the latter in the near future.

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Oh no he di‘int! David throws the gauntlet at the Trung Sisters, though it falls too short for them to even hear it. I’m guessing Genghis Khan put him up to it as a test of their friendship. A band of Hawaiians are getting homesick, tired of being blocked in by so many triremes. Meiji still has a pathetic military, and continues to focus on talking about Shinto to anyone who makes eye contact. The citizens of Hai Phong never answered the doorbell. Of note: Rizal has beefed up his navy quite well, sporting several galleasses off the coast of Cebu. No wonder the Trungs called it quits. Also, we can almost see Tokyo for the second time so far. In addition, Korea has run out of room in the Yellow Sea, and his triremes are spilling out into neutral territory outside Cebu.

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OH SHIT! It’s on now! Check out that sidebar. Chilean Backdoor Squad is go! O’Higgins teams up with Pedro to lay a second smackdown on Pachacuti. This is the battle that should have happened the first time, since Eva Perón just sat around reading that dumb book. With that navy we saw earlier, it should be a bloodbath on the Andean coast. Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, on to other important matters. The waves tremble throughout Micronesia. A deep booming sound swells as the beast has awakened. It can only be the call of Didgeridoom! That’s right. The Kimberley have finally woken up and directed their wrath at… Vietnam? How are they even going to get there? They obviously aren’t allowed through Indonesia. Aw, man. That’s such a weak way to kick off the hype train. What else is happening? Oh, yeah. The shores of Pangasinan are red with the blood of the fallen as Rizal and Parkes send wave upon wave of men to die at each other’s hands. Rizal has enough galleasses in the water to win it back if they lose the city, and the experience will do them well if the area is this hotly contested. Of note: Maybe I didn’t notice it before, but Indonesia has their Kris swordsmen now. Of course, they would have to use them to reap the benefits.

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How did every civ in South America end up at war together? I wonder if that Buccaneer scout in Cusco had anything to do with it? Well, Machu has handled a double-barreled attack before. Let‘s see if she can do it again. Upgrading to pikemen is a top priority for Pachacuti right now if he wants to contend. Also, Vilcabamba has grown a tick since we saw its introduction last time. At the top of the screen, Perón is sending a couple of ships up toward Paraná. Perhaps that Buccaneer trireme got a little too close for comfort.

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There it is, the Chilean Full Frontal Assault. It looks like Chile gets to move before the Inca, which is a huge advantage in this war. If O’Higgins had only settled present-day La Rioja when he had the chance, we’d get to see the glorious Backdoor Squad in action. Machu is still holding up just fine, and nobody has really done too much to affect the other just yet.

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And there it goes! Antium now belongs to Leonidas, who is so psyched about his conquest that he decides to cancel his holiday to Africa. Oh. I just remembered he’s been fighting Poland this whole time. Casimir must have uncovered Stalin’s old stash. He didn’t even put a dent in Berlin, he has a line of units adjacent to an unoccupied Adrianople which stands untouched, and he’s thrown countless units to waste at the pike wall of Tegea. I thought Poland was supposed to be better than this. That must be some really strong stuff they have up there. Of note: Cumae is *still* flawless. How is this possible? Also, Sparta’s borders have made Byzantium even more pathetic. If both they and China manage to survive, battle for last place will be a tough one this time around.

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I’m not sure I’m reading this correctly. Does that say, “Mao Zedong has declared war on Attila!?” Whatever, dude. What did that guy ever do to you? I can understand, well, pretty much anyone in your general vicinity, but he doesn’t even border your now-Mongolian cities. He must have a revised print of “How To Fight Wars Good.” I can find no other explanation. I mean, just look at them. More importantly, The Ashanti can finally breathe a sigh of relief. Their struggles are over. After a five-way curb stomping from all sides, they have managed to make peace with all of their enemies. It couldn’t come a minute sooner, either. Kumasi was on the brink, about to fall to Morocco.

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Son of a bitch! Not only Kumasi, but Mampong? You couldn’t give up Atebubu and provide a shield against the Kongo? That does it. You deserve to die for that. I’m done rooting for this underdog. Next!

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Well look at that! Vietnam finally recruited someone who knows how to hold a sword. Vigan is once again in the hands of the Trung sisters, and it looks like Hawaii finally managed to secure open borders with The Philippines so they can get their boys safely back home. With such superiority, I’m wondering why Rizal isn’t taking down Vietnam’s battered navy. It appears he’s more concerned with Australia, as he should be. Vietnam has stronger neighbors to keep them in check. If left alone, Australia would own the entire Pacific Ocean.

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While on that subject, Rim of Fire is really earning its reputation this installment as even Indonesia have had enough of the power rankers chiding them for doing nothing the entire game. Of course, they would have to strike a deal with either neighbor to their north in order to make it consequential, but the sentiment is nice.

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Ah, the paradise of New Zealand, a place where nothing happens and nothing matters. Note from TPang: ”Lol, way to piss off all the Maori fans.”

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Seriously, this frozen wasteland is more interesting than that last slide. Iceland has some strong core cities, but here we see that they’re not much more than a paper tiger. A naval invasion could cut them down in a heartbeat. They need to turn that single galleass into dozens pronto. In other news, Morocco was apparently at war with the Ayyubids. After a thousand years of conflict, the people asked, “Who’s that?” Of note: Vigan is now Pinoy again.

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Ohhh, yeah! Finland is bringing the pain. I guess Mao stirred the pot, as Kekkonen sends a… well, squad of melee units into Mosul’s backdoor. Finnish Backdoor Squad? It just doesn’t have the same ring to it. Let’s try that again. Kekkonen sends a stream of units down the throat of the mountain pass and straight into the gut of Mosul. The taste doesn’t sit well with Attila, who clearly never saw it coming. Maybe that giant mountain blocked his view. Looks like Harun al-Rashid has had enough of Attila’s shit, too, as Arabia joins in on the fun. In other news, Mirwais Hotak thumbs his nose at the Trung Sisters. So that’s… Rizal, Jandamarra, Mada, Hotak — four notable enemies the Trungs have now. They’re going to have to play a hard offense like Sparta if they want to keep at their current level. Of note: That Finnish settler who’s been wandering in circles actually has a couple of spots he could claim if he could just make up his damned mind. I hope Attila puts that guy out of his misery. Also, Kuchum Khan has offered an Israeli scout a gallery seat to watch the action unfold.

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St. Louis is back to full health in the hands of Ingolfur, who may actually be Pinky and the Brain in disguise, what with choosing a city name like Hafnarfjordur. What else is going on here? Hmm. Eva Perón decides she’s had enough, and will let the boys duke it out. Did I miss anything?

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Psych! It’s Sioux Gangbang 2: Epileptic Boogergoo. Seriously though, guys. The horse is dead and beaten. There are other sequels to riff on, like ‘Speed 2: This time the vessel is a ship’ or ‘Under Siege 2: This time the vessel is not a ship’ or ‘TMNT 2: This time it’s a vessel for product placement.’ Anyway, let’s get to the action. Lincoln asks big brother Lester to beat Sitting Bull up for stealing his lunch money. Once again, citadel placement proves invaluable as Canadian bowmen get rekt by a pikeman. Despite their poor performance the last time around, the Sioux are actually very strong… as evidenced by their consistent appearance in the leaderboards. You have to be strong to survive a four-way attack against these guys. This isn’t West Africa. These guys have 20-pop cities and top-ten militaries, and the Sioux lost two outposts and one ambushed metropolis. Really not a bad showing considering the odds. Pearson is a generally tolerant leader. I wonder what Sitting Bull did to earn his ire.

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Oh yeah, about that. That rant about the movie titles and everything was because this time it’s for real. The Inuit join the fracas, and that Arctic citadel is already being put to use as Ekeuhnick carves into Hohe to start the battle. I guess we know which direction those units were moving earlier. Sichangu looks decently defended, and the Inuit don’t have the presence to match Sitting Bull’s defense of the city. However, those cities at the top of your screen should be blue in no time. Of note: David and Meiji rattle their sabres at Attila, marking the first time Japan has gone to war.

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If you were paying attention to the top of the screen last slide, you’d have seen this. Shenzen now belongs to Sibir. Genghis thinks Kuchum is a poser Khan, and the city belongs to the real Khan. Kuchum doesn’t care because his army of settlers is about to blanket the steppe. Israel watches.

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The DoWs keep flying as Sioux Gangbang 2, or as I like to call it, “The Second First Nations War” gets into full swing. Benito wants to prove that he learned a thing or two about war since his last bungling mess. Just a quick scan of his troop placement tells me this is going to be ugly.

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Thanks for pointing out that trebuchet, TPang. I definitely would have missed that. Fortaleza’s fields are aflame, providing the perfect smoke screen for the Buccaneer scout to hightail it out of Incan territory before Pachacuti puts a bounty on his head for throwing ALL of South America at him. The Full Frontal Assault is making headway toward Tiwanaku, but Machu continues to hold strong. You really have to give it up to the Inca this time. They’re proving that they can handle business. Now they just need to put a bowman in that empty citadel up north.

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Back to Europe, where everyone hates Hitler. Speaking of Hitler, how on earth has he been able to defend Germany with such a paltry military? After seeing successful naval invasions of other cities, Hamburg doesn’t look so menacing. Here we get our first look at Scandinavia this time around, and give Swedish supporters a chance to rip their hair out by showing so much undefended Finnish land. On the plus side, they have open borders with Poland, an agreement that could benefit both sides greatly if they decide to team up on somebody. Anybody.

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Ekeuhnick can’t be stopped, sending in a settler to steal the precious camps away from any future Yakut settlements. In other news, some guys adopted new social policies. I’ll allow you all to speculate about what they may be in the comments. By the way, here‘s Wakayama.

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So much hate in such little time. This is what Battles Royale are made of. Stalin wants payback for Leningrad. Besides, it looks like Mosul will fall soon. He really can’t afford to let Finland claim land on both sides of the USSR. That would be suicide. Okay everyone. Synchronize your watches. Hitler DoWs Rome and Sweden on turn 171. Of note: Finnish scouts are acting as a human shield to protect a Russian settler. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. That’s pretty cool.

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Saladin calls it quits with Kruger, and Rizal says that’s good enough for him, too. It’s probably so he can focus on protecting what little hold Islam has in Ayyubid-land as he now has Mamluks to prevent the spread of other religions. Good luck with that one. He didn’t even try to get Klerksdorp out of the deal. That’s a shame. Also, Burma hates Vietnam.

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How did that Kimberley settler NOT get the island that became Tamaki Makarau? Also, why did the Aussie settler abandon the island to the north? Te Rauparaha got lucky here. Of note: Benito is this far behind in tech. (You can’t see it, but I’m stretching my arms as wide as I can.) Welcome to the past, Mexico.

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Attila has successfully pushed back the Finnish force at Mosul and set Sverdlovsk ablaze! Stalin must be pissed. The Huns have made good use of their horse archers this time, and it’s so satisfying to see them in action after stagnating in the first Battle Royale. Good on you, Attila. Of note: Somehow that Russian settler managed to slip through. It also appears Finland and USSR have open borders.

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Hannibal’s defensive Elephants are nowhere to be seen here, and that pair of spearmen is down to one. The city of Carthage has dealt with Maria’s naval forces, but this doesn’t look to good for Hannibal. He has landed on Sardinia, however, and is staging an offensive on Funchal. Splitting the Mediterranean in two would give Hannibal a major advantage, but it would also put a bulls-eye on Carthage. Caesar has reclaimed Antium, but owning the city even briefly was enough for Sparta to gain a precious land tile in just the right spot to drop a city. Will they seize the opportunity?

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The Trung Sisters were throwing everything they have at Vigan, but decided they just couldn’t take it anymore. If I’m Anawrahta, I’m declaring war and storming Hanoi ASAP. If I’m Nga, I’m reclaiming Vijaya. But I’m not. I’m just a guy watching AI make inexplicable decisions. Meanwhile, the Hawaiians are hanging out in the Philippines with their Paniolo brothers, Sibir has been given access to Vietnamese land, and that Shinto missionary is about to spread the word in Hanoi.

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So that’s what Sri Lanka looks like. They’ve been building a few of their Uniques. This would be a good time to use them, but I’m not holding my breath over it. Burma doesn’t look to shabby either. They would look better if they sent that settler somewhere he could actually go, like that island tile he just sailed right past. Given enough time, he should figure it out. Of note: The Irish scout lost in Mississippi must have made his way north and struck a friendship with the Blackfoot.

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I can’t stand to look at this. Why? Just why? In any case, Osei Tutu is building some citadels that will prove to be useful to Morocco later. Also, Jandamarra just jumped on the Attila hate train.

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Ireland has been mass-producing military units since the last time we saw them. You can’t have that many without planning to use them somewhere. Trade relations with Iceland mean they’re probably not a target. Norway is pretty imposing right now, and would get them on the mainland. But there’s England, such a juicy and under-militarized victim to the south, wiping out Germany’s navy. The fact that Elizabeth felt the need to send two melee units to take care of Hitler’s only ship is amusing. Of note: We get a clear view of The Pyramids of Dublin.

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The Inuit tell Sitting Bull, “No way, Hohe. Next stop, Mawahota? Soon to be Mawacolda.” Okay. I’ll stop.

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Genghis won’t be getting Shenzen back any time soon, but it looks like Kazan survived an attack. Who’s the “poser” Khan now? And what’s this? Afghanistan wants in on the mix. It’s about to get real. Just how many enemies can Attila face at once? We’re about to find out.

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Pachacuti has pushed back the Chilean navy without losing many of his own ships, and is executing a ground attack on Valparaiso. This is an interesting turn of events. Meanwhile, Machu is still a fortress.

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Henry Morgan took the Hawaiians’ advice to heart, and decided to settle La Habana and St. Kitts, with another settler on the move. He’s still hesitant about that recipe, though. Paraná to the south is claiming tiles. Sometimes it’s best just to let things be, a mantra that Pacal has taken too seriously.

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Baltimore looks like a tough nut to crack, which is good for Texas since it sits at the crossroads of the Northeast in North America. Lincoln could afford to join the Sioux Gangbang 2 without any casualties, using Texas as a nice buffer zone. Sending units through Canadian land may not gain him favor with Pearson, though.

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Aw, man. All the folks I know from Toowoomba (which is a surprising amount seeing as how I live in California) are good people. They don’t deserve that. Well, maybe Rizal found a huntsman spider in the house and had the proper response. Of note: Burma’s trying to be the homecoming queen. Note from TPang: “I found a huntsman chilling on my toilet seat today. Like, I‘m not too worried that you‘re in my house eating all the flies, but I don‘t think we‘ve developed our relationship to the point where I feel comfortable with you shitting where I shit”.

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That’s better.

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Anawrahta realizes he’s afraid of heights and leaves the mountains to Songtsan Gampo. Of note: The number of settlers in this slide is unsettling. (See what I did there?)

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The Huns continue their barnstorming tour of Russia, with their latest performance in Novosibirsk bringing down the house.

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Damn, Gina! (/u/BurgerKrieg, if you don’t try your best to say that like Martin Lawrence, I’m going to be very disappointed.) Holy DoW. Let’s see what we have here. Burma and Afghanistan DoW Sri Lanka. That’s going to be entertaining. We’ll get to see those Wolverine-healing longswordsmen in action. Jandamarra and Meiji DoW Rizal. That’s a surprise. I thought Rizal and Jandamarra were friends. Kuchum Khan boards the Attila hate train, which I believe makes his current war the biggest one so far. Someone please make a gif where Oprah‘s throwing out DoWs. This needs to happen. On the plus side, Sitting Bull made peace with Lincoln. I had forgotten about the Sioux-American war, and thought this was the mystery DoW from the last part. To be honest, it’s still a mystery, but upon closer inspection I believe it may have come from England. Does anyone remember Elizabeth forming an alliance? Because she is surely not fighting any immediate neighbours.

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I’m not too sure it was a good idea to declare war against an enemy when your nearest city has only one population. Is this a bait and switch? Is Hotak going to lure Persia into this and bounce out? To the north it looks like Lahor’s defensive force is becoming fatigued, but the city itself is A-OK.

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Meiji finally couldn’t take Rizal holding Okinawa anymore, and decides it rightfully belongs to Japan. It does in real life, but not in this timeline, so that makes Meiji an asshole. Of note: Korea has galleasses. Hwach’as should be appearing any second now! Meiji also has a pikeman up there, so maybe his weak military is just a ruse.

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Shaoshan is on the way down as Kuchum really took that “poser” comment personally. I’m so pissed that I didn’t get to participate in the /r/BRSE this round. Getting to do this more than makes up for having to hold my stocks in the /r/BRSE. Big ups to Vietnamese delegate in the Model World Congress /u/poom3619 for creating the new header for the /r/BRSE, which can be seen if you go to https://www.reddit.com/r/BRSE and READ THE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY BEFORE PROCEEDING! Of note: Four — count ‘em — Sibir settlers hanging in one spot, and another to the southwest. You cannot buy or sell settlers in the /r/BRSE, found at https://www.reddit.com/r/BRSE.

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GODDAMMIT, LINCOLN! I’m glad we got that nice close up shot of Philly as an American city a few slides back, because this has to be the dumbest move to date, right up there with Byzantium giving Adrianople to the Ayyubids. The Sioux didn’t even share any borders with you. This does not make me proud to be an American, where at least our cities are free. (I just literally sighed after typing that. This is so infuriating.) Oh, on the plus side, Canada has several trebuchets now.

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The Kimberley swarm on Laguna, opening the way through to the north. Butuan is the only other thing keeping them from spilling out into the world.

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Kamehameha hears news from the west and springs to action to support his brother Rizal who gave him open border— oh, yeah, that’s right. Fuck that guy. DoW! What’s going on in the Pacific? This is complete madness, and it’s awesome on so many levels. I can’t wait to see what comes of this, as Hawaii has just built its first couple of Uniques, the Koa. The Koa is a longswordsman that costs more but doesn’t require iron. It starts with more XP and Amphibious. Seeing as how A.I. has stood for Amphibious Invasion in recent installments, I can’t wait for Kamehameha to… Let Slip The Frogs Of War!

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Lastly, we see Armenia end on a good note as they take Bukhara from Timur. With no effective ranged weaponry to defend it, the city is destined to change hands before we see it again. Interestingly, Sibir has created a blockade to protect Yervantashat from a southern naval invasion. There’s been some delightful teamwork this time around, both in the game and at /r/civbattleroyale. It’s been a pleasure to share this with all of you. And with that, let’s take a look at the boards.

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What’s this? That’s right, my friends. TPang has heard your calls. Behold, the full list of Pantheons, beliefs and enhancements. Soak it in. It’s so sweet. First we have Akatt-u, which leads off with two completely worthless beliefs for this game. Religious Community is a big one, as is Jesuit Education. This holds the answer to the $64,000 question though. Now we know who got Tithe, and it ain’t May-hee-co.

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Buddhism is going for Happiness points, which explains why Burma was so lovey dovey toward the end of Part 10 here. Byzantium gets Fertility Rites, which is comical in hindsight. Mexico has Swords into Plowshares, which explains their military strategies a little better, and Religious Fervor is going to be a huge gain for them if they can survive. Although they didn’t get Tithe, Church Property is a decent consolation prize.

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p>And now we see why Islam isn’t-lam.

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Desert Folklore has been the boon to Israel they needed to spam Europe with stars and mezuzahs. Holy Warriors may have kept them in the game, since we saw how close they were to getting knocked out.

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Ethiopia gets a good defensive boost with Defender of the Faith, and growth with Feed the World. However, Just War may prove to be the most useful. Where did we see Meiji sending missionaries again?

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In a surprise move, Eastern Orthodoxy is on the rise. Those holy wars have benefited Selassie more than they appeared to on paper.

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Here we see how quickly Orthodoxy has spread, covering an area comparable to Catholicism in the Western Hemisphere. Akatt-u has also grown to compete with Judaism, though there’s still a lot of Europe left to receive the word of YHWH. It‘s been a true pleasure, my friends. Thank you again, /u/TPangolin, for allowing me to narrate this installment. I feel blessed to get such a good one. The hype train is leaving the station. ALL ABOARD!

Part 10: Let Slip the Frogs of War! – mk2

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