Part 105: Rump Steak, Rare

1

Hello everyone, welcome to this week’s exciting edition of the Civ Battle Royale. I’m u/daxington and I’ll be your humble shepherd through part 105 of this bloodbath. To get my biases out of the way, I really only follow this game to scan the high seas hoping to catch a glimpse of the mythical Canadian Battleship. But for the purposes of this narration, I suppose I’ll have to drop in on what’s happening with the rest of the world occasionally so I can keep the non-Canadian-Battleship nerds interested. In this week’s OC feature we catch up with one of the cliffhangers from last week, the fate of Exclavia. Coming from Kekkonen, though, this may be less John Hughes and more Coen Brothers: a cry of angst after a life that has been on a severe downward slope after extremely poor decisions.

2

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Pedro continues to dance the top tango in this week’s power rankings. Even when the Boers were on their epic tear at the top, they almost always had at least some deviation to their score, but Brazil has had a big ol’ goose egg in that spot for the past 3 parts. This is a level of dominance that we definitely haven’t seen anywhere else in CBR History.

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And it’s not hard to see why here on the Tile Accurate Map from u/DerErlenkonig. For the last two parts we’ve seen radical changes to the map in India, the Middle East, and now Central and Eastern Europe. And by ‘radical changes’ I mean rapid limegreenification. All other civs appear to be standing still and watching the spectacle in awe like they’re on some kind of Antarctic submarine and not in an existential struggle for existence...or something.

4

On the Tile Accurateish City and Puppet Map from u/Spherical_Melon, we see the next thing to be feared from Brazil. What happens when he starts unpuppeting his gains in the New-from-his-perspective-World? But here on the CBR we’re mostly concerned with the short term. What’s going to happen on the next turn? How far will Brazil go in their conquest of Sweden? And how long will it take?

5

Aaaaand it appears that Pedro has grown tired of his intercontinental samba, deciding to opt for the second time in a row to end his blitzkrieg with a blitz frieden. The timing is awfully suspicious with the armistice being signed just shortly after the plunging power ranking of Sweden. Battleship Weekly’s investigative journalists are reportedly looking into suspicious buy-ups of Swedish stock among PR and BC users that could suggest insider trading. But we don’t have time for that, other things are happening on this slide! As expected, the Koreans are fruitlessly experimenting with technology that will allow them to take a city without a melee unit. Failure is a part of science, and they are failing all over the Hawaiian megalopolis of Kaneohe. Keep at it Korea, I’m sure the next missile will be able to enforce an orderly regime change. Things are also looking worse for Kamehameha as a...Mr. Harry Parkes is joining the coalition hype train against Hawai’i. I’ve never heard of Harry, but I wish him luck against an enemy so powerful that even 15 Korean aircraft carriers are proving downright useless. And in the final news in this packed slide, the Kimberley and the Buccaneers make peace in a clear effort to focus as much energy as possible on the second most dangerous rump state on the cylinder.

6

We get our first look at a post-Carnival Eastern Europe. Sweden’s forces have, of course, been concentrated into their territory because of the peace deal, but it seems clear that Pedro was in this war for the easy land-grab and didn’t want to get bogged down in a protracted quagmire. The only pick-up here is Lingkopping. What’s the matter Pedro? Why can’t you seem to finish any of the wars you start?

7

A shot of formerly-Icelandic Germany shows Malmo and Krakow also changed administrations. Rumor has it that this deal was brokered exclusively to reduce bordergore in wartorn areas like central europe. The gap in city health between the former combatants and the total lack of a local Brazilian Air Force may show why this treaty was relatively kind to the Swedish lion. But you know what I think? I think you could sell a very expensive undercoating and tow package to Pedro when all he wanted was a beater to pick up groceries and drop off the kids.

08

To round out our tour of former Sweden, we confirm that no late-war city flips occurred in Anatolia. One is left to wonder if the reason Pedro invaded Sweden was entirely because of Gustavus’ Hebron detachment getting in the way of Pedro’s dance down to the Middle East. If so, this might be the single largest loss of life due to a queueing incident.

09

Batticaloa? More like Battered-caloa, am I right?....ahem… is this thing on? Here we catch up to Exclavia on its last legs with Batticaloa in the red. The Afgan refugees protected four of the five avenues of assault and also dissuaded a nuclear end to Kekkonen’s reign. But despite all the help from the Afgan-Finns, the glorified Six Flags guy appears to have fallen victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is “Never sign an open borders agreement with Pedro” but only slightly less well known is this: “Never leave the only tile you can be killed from open to a giant ED-209 ripoff”

10

We’ve briefly entered an episode of Mr. Robot, where the camera is pointing at nothing particular while all the action happens at the periphery of the screen. In the top right corner we see that the Last Exclave has indeed fallen. Don’t worry Kek mourners, I’ll get back to this, but for now, there’s diplomatic fallout to cover. Finland appears to have been much more popular in death than in life with Vietnam and Brazil immediately DOWing the Kimberley for their heinous crimes against both sad bald norsemen and decendants of Central Asian refugees. In other news for fans of peace and cooperation, it appears that OCP 2.0 has finally come to a complete close with the cessation of the mostly toothless hostilities between the Boers and Vietnam. Sure there was some city flipping before the Big Green Machine got in the way, and there were potentially some nuclear incidents in the South Indian Ocean, but for the most part this was the least interesting conflict in the OCP 2 and I’d frankly thought it was over last part. And finally, the coalition against Hawai’i has grown to 6 allies. To have warranted this kind of action, the Orange Menace must have an ideology so dangerous, that it must be stopped at all costs. Clearly this is...OCP 3.0 The question is, will this be enough to contain Kamehameha?

11

The first shots have already been fired in the War to Avenge Kekkonen. Cities on both sides have taken damage, but there were no first turn captures. While Vietanam is clearly the favourite in terms of power ranking and production, but the Trungs have never succeeded in gaining significant territory in the Oceanic region after many...many attempts. Can they turn that reputation around Jandemarra has the initial upper hand in this arm wrestling match with opportunities to take both Amaravati via his apparent GDR bias as well as paratrooper landings outside Thi Li Bi Nai. If those two fall, it would strike a significant blow to the Trung air force in the region.

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This seems to be an uncharacteristic war for Pedro as he has a carpet neither inside nor directly outside Kimberley territory. Either he’s just in it for sniping one or two cities, or perhaps he was closer to Kekkonen than we all knew. Has anyone actually seen Pedro lately? Is he ok? Does he know that he still has friends? Anyway, we also get a better look at the rest of the Malay peninsula, which paints a harder picture for Jandemarra. It’s full of Trung troops, and their air force extends much further back. If the Kimmys make headway, it’ll likely be temporary.

13

We finally get our first look at the long anticipated OCP 3.0. Everyone’s been afraid of the Orange Menace for so long and it’s finally time to bring him down a peg. Let’s meet the newcomers to the coalition. Iceland, of course couldn’t miss out on any OCP. Ingolfur is the like the guy from Brooklyn in a WW2 movie. He’s never the main character, but he’s always fun and probably won’t make it to the end. The Blackfoot are clearly out to reboot their dreams of a South Pacific beachhead. Good luck Crowfoot. If you succeed, I hope you don’t immediately lose everything to Vietnam. He’s also brought a lot of melee units to this fight. The captain of the nearby Korean submarine is skeptical of the tactic. Sejong declared that missiles are the clear path to victory. The Kimberley, of course joined the coalition in a transparent attempt to gain popularity after taking down Mr. Clean (ed. this is not a Tide ad. (ed. this is not a joke that will age well or is good now)) Nice try Jandy, but killing two rump states doesn’t make a right.

14

As promised, we see the final outcome of the Last Exclave. Finland was one of the most exciting nations of the mid-game. Kekkonen had some early success in fairly traditional wars like his conquest of the USSR, but he’s most famous for pioneering the strategy of paratrooping large groups of units across the continent which remains one of the greatest tactics on the cylinder still used today. However, he never used this tactic to gain significant territory outside his own.. Eventually his paratroopers fell out of date and as they died he didn’t replace them, opting for a peaceful strategy of turning the other cheek. Unfortunately, that kind of idea doesn’t work well in coliseums when lions are around. F The newly installed mayor of Batticaloa sits down for lunch. Her first act had been to deport everyone living in the suburbs of the city when they’d protested the toppling of Kekkonen’s statues. She was looking forward to some eggs benedict when a colonel sat down opposite her without introduction. “They’re here.” “Who?” “The Carnival” “Well surely they can’t take the city. It’s a fortress! We were the first to take the city since time immemorial because we had goddamn robots. No one can take it now that we’re here!” But the look on the colonel’s face said it all to the mayor’s horror. It was the Afgani-Finnish that had made Batticaloa special all along. An Exclavian artist watched his home from afar, composing new songs to be added to the Kalevala - The Kekkonen cycle - a tragedy for both the hero and the villain.

15

Sailing out of the Arabian sea and into international waters is a unit of Afgani-Finnish soldiers. They’re homeless for the first time in millennia. They can’t go home, and they can’t go to the homes of their ancestors. What will they do? One of them says quietly that he’s heard tell that these same waters were sailed by a group of Ashanti pikeman who were searching for a paradise where all homeless units could live in peace. His eyes gleamed behind his thick glasses. “Lets go drop into a piece of that paradise.”

16

A buccaneer cybersub is investigating one of the most curious features of the cylinder, a ring of mountains surrounded by ice. Legends and crackpots on the internet have it that the world is not in fact a cylinder, and that if you could penetrate these mountains and see what’s inside you would find that the world is not a cylinder, but is in fact a series of flat images that are scrolled through to simulate time. Has Henry Morgan been going too deep down a youtube rabbit hole? Will he nuke the mountains in a desperate attempt to discover that his reality as a mid-tier civ on a cylinder that’s rapidly turning green is a sham? We’ll be keeping a very close eye on this.

17

As the turn rolls over we see that OCP 3.0 has officially become one of the largest coalitions in modern CBR history with the Boers and the Inuit joining the epic fight to keep Hawai’i from overtaking the rest of the globe with it’s dangerous ideology (or whatever) I for one do not like Boer’s chances in this upcoming ragnarok. While Boer fans were surely overjoyed with the resistance Kruger started to put up in Western and Northern Africa in the last days of the fight with Brazil, this shot of former Ethiopia and the horn of Africa make it clear that ol Pauly K. has not made recarpeting his territory top priority. What’s he spending all that production on? Is he building deep space probes that will spread his robotic consciousness to other cylinders across the galaxy? Has he evolved beyond this messy conflict of pigs wrestling in the mud?

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Here we get a look at another one of the main combatants in the OCP 3.0. This struggle will likely give us content for the next dozen parts. Ekeuhnik isn’t in as tough a position against the fightin’ Hawai’ians as Kruger is, but it will certainly be hard for his main army to join the fray with all these Blackfoot troops in their path. It may be several turns before the White Walkers can truly make their frozen mark on this epic conflict.

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The long war is over! OCP 3.0 has ended! Crowfoot declares VH day in the holy city of Hunkpapa! Korea looks on helplessly, asking why their missiles couldn’t do what a bunch of guys with fabric strapped to their backs did. Hawai’i was a fascinating civ, stretching its influence across the Pacific. They never occupied many cities on any mainland, but they pioneered influencing other conflicts through huge occupations of peacekeepers. They were the long-time stewards of some of the largest cities on the cylinder due to their isolation and relatively few conflicts with the mainlanders. They’re one of the few nations to survive to this point without having killed an opponent, and I’d be remiss not to note that they were never in last place in the power rankings. With that philosophy, though, eventually they lost everything. F

20

The Kimberley were indeed successful in their assaults on Amaravati and Thi Li Bi Nai, but the gains appear to be short lived, as the Trungs are poised to flip those cities back as well as potentially Simhapura. The Kimberley have enough melee units in the area to contest these cities for a little while longer, but their reinforcements behind the front lines are dwindling fast, where Vietnam shows off its impressive supply chain and air force. Really, I think the Trungs are trying so hard because they’re finally in a fight they can win. A lone Brazilian XCOM is barely alive in the countryside of Sumatra, while his colleagues continue to vacation in the Vietnam core. Is he the one that killed all of the Kimberley troops around him? If so, he’s clearly the Rambo of this war. Behind enemy lines...without the support of his government...

21

The true reason for Brazil’s DOW on the Kimberley becomes apparent. He’s not here to snipe cities in Indonesia He’s here to add to his beachhead on the Arabian peninsula. He didn’t have to take the bad press for eliminating the Finnish nor for evicting the Afgani suburbs. Clever as ever, Pedro.

22

A rare look at the southern Atlantic shows that Brazilian territory crosses the entire ocean. Brazilian workers scramble across to find work, as workers always do, in the Sahara. This also raises the possibility that Pedro may carpet up the ocean south of his West African holdings, providing additional...assurances against the Ryk.

23

Brazilian Rambo did it! He sniped Makassar! In grudging respect for Rambo’s heroism, Pedro has sent additional troops to try to hold it. It appears that in retaliation for losing a city to the World’s Most Interesting Man, the Kimmys have salted the earth in the form of nuclear devastation on what was the core of your territory just a few turns ago. Truly these are desperate times. But that’s not the only bad news for the Kimberley. They’ve lost all their gains to Vietnam as well as Simharpura, and it looks like they only have one chance to even temporarily flip Simharpura back. With options running out, it looks like the didgeri-dudes are in didgeri-danger I’ll show myself out.

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A Blackfoot paratrooper enters the royal timeshare of Kamehameha. His brethren are out on the beach taking longboards from the locals and riding some knarly waves, but he’s on a mission. He finds his target on a small table next to the living room recliner. An old copy of War Games on VHS. No cover. The scrapes from endless insertions into the VCR are visible on the sides of the cassette. Next to it, a note scrawled on a pad, “The only way to win is not to play.” He pours gasoline all over the table and throws a match over his shoulder as he leaves. Who says you can’t kill an idea?

25

Any supporter of Vietnam has to be happy about the supply of troops they’ve been able to send down to Indonesia, but any modern civ should be watching their backdoor for encroaching, mucus coloured troops. While Brazil’s detachment here is not yet at alarming levels yet, it would certainly behoove the Trungs to fill up their remaining empty hexes as soon as the conflict with the Kimberly is over.

26

On the topic of open borders, this is probably the most important screen in all of international politics right now. It’s incredible how nations continue to sign open border agreements with Brazil after what’s happened the last few parts. The only three holdouts are The Boers (understandably); the Inuit, who have their own problems with the Blackfoot; and the Blackfoot themselves who are aspiring to a Brazilian strategy. Everyone else seems to be hoping ride the train of collaboration to the endgame. It’s a very un-bold move. We’ll see how it doesn’t work out for them.

27

In Korea, we see that the Blackfoot are trying to project their new number 2 military status in the same way that Brazil is, and here they’re even competing for exactly the same territory. Between the two of them, it’s surprising that Korea is able to have a standing military at all. They certainly weren’t able to show it in OCP 3.0 (™ u/daxington.)

28

It seems that even Brazilian Rambo was no match for Gundam Wing rolling back into Makaasar at least not when all organic material is falling to pieces thanks to the alpha particles zipping around. He’s retreated to the countryside and started reviewing scripts for the sequel. Vietnam, meanwhile defends Simhapura and goes further to take Denpasar. If he’s not suing for peace yet, Jandemarra should be trying to negotiate, before Vietnam troops are off the coast of Java. Kekkonen, wherever he is, has decided to forgive Jandemarra, after seeing the death and devastation wrought as vengeance in his name. Some men, it seems, just want watch the world doot.

29

What is this place? I’ve never heard of it. I mean, I know we’re on the cylinder because there are Brazilian peacekeepers, but who are these dudes that are a darker shade of green? I’m being told that some people find them interesting and that they totally fought a war with Vietnam a while ago, and it was totally epic...I don’t know, I’m not buying it. It doesn’t look like anything happened to me. I don’t want to brag, but I’ve also done a little analysis here. There’s a fancy new sabermetric called Great-Engineer-to-Melee-Unit Ratio. Whoever these jokers are, I count 8:1 on that. So yeah….cool rock tho.

30

No, this isn’t a vision into the future where everything is a uniform, lime green. This is just Brazil, which, (surprise!) is occupied Brazil. I guess it’s true what they say: Carpet begins at home.

31

Here we see the faux-Brazil doing their best impression of that last slide. Sure, they can’t quite do it because they don’t occupy a land area that can totally fill the screen, but they’re still doing the best darn Brazil impression they can, so don’t make fun! Despite having a relatively low production base (like Brazil several parts ago) they’ve biased towards carpeting units and are now second only to the Carnival itself in military manpower. Will they be able to catch up before Pedro catches on?

32

Jandemarra appears to be Dunkirking, but the problem is that he hasn’t owned the territory back across the channel for several millennia. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like these units, aside from what are likely nukes, would do much to help up at the front except as cannon fodder anyway

33

With Makassar joining the sisterhood and Samarinda having been wiped off the face of the cylinder, the Kimberley are indeed down to their last two cities on the island of Java. With more Vietnam forces on the way, it’s no wonder Jandemarra gave the order to evacuate. The question is will he be able to make a peace deal before he runs out of islands?

34

Turning to the mid-Atlantic, we see a painful reminder of how insidious succumbing to the special interests at Big Carrier can be. Iceland and the Buccs have relatively well ranked militaries by the numbers. Brazil not only dwarfs them, but his numbers are STACKED with melee units. Sure, they’re mostly outdated, this is a garbage patch that could at least conceivably do something in a war.

35

An even rarer look at an even southern Atlantic ocean reveals the Southern Ice Sheet fleet. Sure it couldn’t take a city, but boy oh boy wouldn’t it be juicy to see this cutting through the embarked Brazilian units? That is...if the Ekeuhnik knows how to attack embarked units…

36

The Trung sisters are getting prime seats in the collaboration train by declaring a public friendship with Pedro. Reports are that the Trungs used to have a Statue of Liberty that they really liked to play with, but then they lost it to a neighborhood bully. Then a new kid moved in next door and he has a Statue of Liberty. So, like, they’re friends with him so they can go over to his house to see it...but I kinda think that if they had their own they just wouldn’t ever talk to him.

37

Ever wondered what the future looks like for your civilization? Well let’s take a look at a model favela of Cordoba right here in the heart of Brazil. You can look forward to a caloric intake that’s severely below recommendations while you work in a leprosy cannery that supplies the warheads for biodrones. Meanwhile, your corporate overlords are all specializing in finance and reaping huge profits to be used for the endless Carnival far away from where you are. Fun!

38

In contrast to their friendship with Pedro, the Trungs are apparently very unhappy with Mr. Harry Parkes of Austria. That’s weird. I thought they were eliminated a long time ago. It doesn’t look like anything will come of it anyway. Oh well. More importantly, a Blackfoot XCOM appears to be scouting by his old stomping grounds of Olongapo. With his new forward base of Kaneohe, could Crowfoot be looking for revenge for his lost colony?

39

On the other side of the world, tensions rise in the Gulf of Mexico as nuclear warheads appear to be getting closer to Cuba…. hold on… cognitive dissonance… ok, back on the cylinder. The Blackfoot appear to be using Inuit territory to line up as much firepower as possible on the edge of Buccaneer territory. The Buccy Balls also have open borders with the Walkers, so a gulf war would certainly turn the waters red quickly. The Walkers could also give a huge advantage to one side or the other by revoking open borders.

40

Jakarta had fallen, and given the sharp loss in population, it either flipped a couple times or had some nuclear assistance with its overcrowding problem. The Kimberly, for the sin of eliminating a rump state, have been relegated to being a rump state themselves. With no declaration of peace in sight, we’ll see how long that state of affairs lasts. Brazilian Rambo is...Tom Hanks...in...Castaway...rated R. Using only his wits, a volleyball, and abandoned, fully fueled yachts in the ruins Samarinda, he’ll have to cross an ocean to get back to Brazilian Helen Hunt...only to find out she’s banging Brazilian Chris Noth. Brought to you by Brazilian FedEx.

41

Here we get a rare look at the Blackfoot Aleutian islands, home to a modest detachment of Blackfoot troops. These would all be in significant danger in hostilities with the Inuit, but on the other hand, they would also be excellent support for a conflict in Asia.

42

Fighting for his very existence, Jandemarra retakes Jakarta in his first gain against the Trungs since the beginning of the struggle. But it looks like his hold on the city is more of a precarious last gasp as more Vietnamese troops march and sail down the coasts of Sumatra. Brazilian Tom hanks clears the island’s reef but loses his volleyball overboard. He reflects on what life and loss really means.

43

As expected Jakarta returns to the warm bosom of Vietnamese control post haste. Surabaya is also suddenly surrounded by Brazilian units. Don’t we all know that feeling by now? The question is, who will finish off Surabaya first, or can Jandemarra retake Jakarta with one of his Advanced Destroyers?

44

Near the lands of never ending winter, the northern Blackfoot cities appear to be focused on increasing their production by building a space station. It’s a good choice for Crowfoot. Having the world’s second place army is good, but being able to replenish it quickly in a fight is nearly as critical. Just make sure to keep your unit building bias after you’re done launching things into space.

45

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting a little suspicious about the number of slides we’re seeing of the Blackfoot Inuit border. Shouldn’t those two be best buds? They have open borders and they were both part of OCP 3.0 (I’ll never stop saying it until it’s a thing) Of course, it’s one thing to be a part of the conspiracy to kill the Caesar, but nobody likes the Brutus, who strikes the killing blow. Unless you killed Caesar in the CBR, then you get cults about your exercise routines.

46

In our continuing suspicious tour of Blackfoot lands we see former Hawaii, packed as the Aleutians were with Blackfoot troops. Also there appear to be a fire on Maui. Did someone press the wrong button and send Korean missiles to the wrong Hawaii? Is Civ 5 autonomously developing new features like dynamic volcano spawning? Are the occupants of the island the worst landlords ever and haven’t cleaned their crap up since they got there? Who can tell?

47

Holy crap, Sibir and the Boers, fresh off of their peace deal last part have teamed up to give Genghis Khan the most action he’s seen in a looooooong time.This is a massive development, that could reshape the balance of power in Asia...assuming the Brazilians that are absolutely everywhere along this front don’t peaceblock the whole war. In the northern theatre, there are only minor slap fights as the front is almost entirely blocked by terrain or Gang Green. Hopefully that’s not an indicator of the war to come.

48

Further south, we can see that the defenders in the war have actually drawn first blood by taking one of the perpetual targets in the 100,000 year Sibir-Vietnam wars, Bamda. It also appears to be fairly safely held with Brazilians clogging the mountain pass like so much mucus in my nasal passages in spring. Mongolia is on the offensive elsewhere with several hovertanks in Sibir territory, but no incursions on from Sibir the Mongolian side Concerningly, Sibir seems to have a much smaller army at the front, and will have a hard time wading through the sea of green in their own territory to get new troops there. And in this slide they’re running an air force deficit of 27-59 by my count. So...why did they declare this war again?

49

Seeing a bit more of the Mongolian core, outdated troops may be an issue for them, but they have two things going for them: 1. They actually have troops and 2. They’re very close to the front, because Mongolia basically is the front.

50

It’s good to see that there is a region of Sibir that’s not entirely green, and it’s also good to see that they are, in fact, capable of producing units. But, gods, for just once, could you build the army before you declared war Kuchum? These high tech units would be perfect for carving up Mongolia...if they could be anywhere near Mongolia. Also of note is how little of a backup airforce Sibir is showing in this shot. Kuchum has a lot of factories he needs to switch on if he wants to win this thing.

51

In a bold move of escalation in the Gulf, the Henry Morgan has decided to antagonize Crowfoot, the man who has been brandishing an arsenal of nuclear weapons at the Caribbean for the last few turns. We’ve intercepted The Captain’s denunciative missive on cylinder-wide short-form social media: “”Missile Man” Crowfoot couldn’t hit Cuba if he tried. It’s, like, surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water. We’ll see what happens.” We also get a better look at Crowfoot sliding down Inuit-Mexico for some potentially exciting backdoor action.

52

An even bigger mystery that Sibir’s DOW on Mongolia has to be Paul Kruger’s motive. In the days of him holding the Indian subcontinent, he would have had the reach to influence this conflict and really try his hand at a new hobby, like a land war in Asia. But as is, it doesn’t seem like he’ll be able to contribute much more than IT support for the Sibirians. (“Have you tried turning your unit production off and on again?”) Meanwhile, Ani is in the black. If anyone can tell me why, I’ll give them $20. But joke’s on you, it’s Canadian Dollars, currency of a long defunct #1 nation, so it’s not worth the plastic it’s printed on.

53

The war to avenge Kekkonen seems to have come to a close with Vietnam completing their invasion of Surabaya right under the node of the surround Brazilian troops. Jandemarra started as a fierce competitor in the CBR, expanding quickly, and ending the ambitions of both Indonesia and the Philippines, which is a lot more than can be said of a lot of civs in the region.. He left his homeland for some reason, and seemed to adopt a mostly pacifist ideology for most of the mid-game. He was mostly left to doot in peace, but in the end, his ambition to actually do something for once led directly to his downfall. F

54

Un -F, UN-F!!! Operation Didgeri-Dunkirk is a success with Jandy having smuggled several nukes and a GDR off of Java. as well as at least Advanced Destroyer hiding in the Great Australian Bight. He has the pieces necessary to ‘find’ a new homeland or reclaim an old one, like Wallangarra. Or is his vengeful motivation going to focus purely on the Trungs?

55

Ulaanbaatar. There are worse pieces of bordergore in the world. Hell, this isn’t even bordergore, it’s just an exclave. But it’s annoyed the hell out of me for as long as it’s existed and it’s the main thing I want taken care of in this war. Unfortunately, Kuchum is not heeding my pleas as it seems like he’s not even trying to take the city. In fact he seems to be on the defensive with Shenzhen under siege from a portion of UB’s defensive garrison. Come on Kuchum! You can fit a biotrooper in that east passage! Shaoshan is in the black and if Genghis can get his own hovertanks out of the way, he’ll be able to take it with a modern armor unit and probably hold it. Otherwise, not much seems vulnerable to flipping in this front of the Kahhhhhn! War

56

The Boers haven’t been in the news for at least a few slides, so we better get back to them immediately. In a confusing move, Iceland has denounced Paul Kruger despite having granted Kru-dog open borders. My guess is the Ingolfur is a history buff and wants to recreate the epic struggle for Olympia among Carthage, Ethiopia, and Sparta circa 4000 BC In other news, a war that you forgot was happening, between Sweden and the Boers is now over. You know who didn’t forget? Ani, because they’ve been getting the crap bombed out of them for years, and that seems to have been the only thing that happened in this war. You’re now ineligible for the 20 smackers I offered several slides ago. I know you read this.

57

Sweden is now fully back at peace and is looking pretty darn good considering everyone thought they were going to be doomed based on what happened last part. Brazil now has planes stationed on the coast of the Baltic, but you know who has more? Sweden. Hey Gustavus, you definitely have the upper hand. You should totally DOW Brazil. I’m not saying that because I’m an Iceland supporter. I’m saying it because I think it would be hilarious. In other news, a war that you forgot was happening, between Sweden and the Boers is now over. You know who didn’t forget? Ani, because they’ve been getting the crap bombed out of them for years, and that seems to have been the only thing that happened in this war. You’re now ineligible for the 20 smackers I offered several slides ago. I know you read this.

58

The Kahhhhhn! War continues to go swimmingly for Genghis as we see that he’s now taken Shaoshan and seems to have Barnaul and Old Sarain on ice in a hovertank version of the Battle of the Bulge. If he can get a melee unit or two to the front he’ll be doing pretty well. It was a really good idea for him to declare this war when he did! I’m sorry, I’m being told that KUCHUM Khan declared this war...That poor sap. In other news, Kruger isn’t even providing IT support to the Sibirians anymore. His brand has been associated with failure too much lately and this war is getting to be an embarrassment.

59

And here we see the real reason that Kruger peaced out. He’s just in it for the money Even though he’s suffered some setbacks, the Orange’s reputation is still strong enough to engender a whopping 1383 gold per turn for him to stay out of the Kahn-based festivities. Maybe Genghis was motivated to get on Kruger’s good side because he thinks he’ll soon share a border with him in the Middle East…

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In one of the only actions the UN can take that actually could hold some interest with those on the sub, an embargo is placed on the Boers! This could be an interesting indicator on which subs are friendly or antagonistic to the Big B. Nearly everyone who’s fought a Boerg war recently voted for the sanctions, and of course, Sibir joined them as retribution for peacing out with Genghis so early. Interestingly, Iceland, fresh off of a denunciation, did not support sanctions, lending more evidence to my theory that Ingolfur is actually a bearded d20. And if you look very carefully all around this slide you can see crying Boer fans pleading to chatbotPK to build units. Any units.

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Bamda, as is its nature, flips, but it doesn’t look like Kuchum will have long with this city before Genghis is back in town finishing repainting the walls. Some (not-so) modern armor units are also moving up in the hover tank bulge and could be threatening the usual suspects of front line cities.

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Further up the front, Genghis has tenaciously held Shaoshan. They’re also threatening Mandalgovi in the far north, but the Mongolian troops are clearly not getting the air support that’s being sent to the southern front. Even so, with two GDRs in range, Genghis might be able to take it. The downside (for Genghis, not for me) is that Ulaanbaatar is in dire straits with DNA boys knocking on the door. Knowing my luck, He’ll take Ulaanbaatar, but then give up Narm in a peace deal, though. Overall, Genghis has done a phenomenal job in the war even as Brazilian peacekeepers have gotten partly out of the way of Siberian reinforcements.

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It’s now that time as we take a look at the beloved infoaddict slides. Here we take a look at the production output for each civ. Clear downticks from the Boers and Sweden as the Carnival came to their respective towns, while Brazil’s upturn is most clearly associated with the capture of Agra, but his continued growth suggests he’s unpuppeting some of his gains. Production isn’t everything of course. The Boerg have equal production to Brazil now, meaning that they could have an army like Brazil, they just choose not to. Meanwhile the Blackfoot are low enough in this chart that I’m not sure what line they are, but they’ve become the standout number two military power.

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The world population leaders edge closer and closer to a billion citizens, a remarkable achievement after the Great Famine and some of the bloodiest wars in the CBRs history. I still don’t recognize the guys on top though. Are we sure they’re in this game?

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I’m sure that crop yields signify something. Probably related to population. If any of the nerds want to drop a line about how it’s a huge deal that Vietnam is sub-2000, please feel free to put that in the comments and know that I will read your comment and then immediately forget about it. But I love you anyways.

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The much-maligned land area statistic doesn’t need any more maligning from me. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then ask your parents But did you catch the pattern in the infoaddict slides? DId you notice that Mongolia is at the very bottom of EVERY SINGLE ONE!?!?! How are you doing this Genghis? What’s that book under your pillow? Have you been reading How to Fight Wars Good? Cheeky bastard

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In the rarely seen religion update we see a highly tiered distribution that’s unlikely to have any changes in places for cities or followers in the long term Mostly I’m just sad for Nestorianism. Not being the main religion in your own holy city is a tough blow and just one more L in Kekkonen’s scoresheet for part 105. We also must press F to pay respects for another religion. With the passing of the Last Exclave and Hawai’i, we now live in a rump-stateless cylinder. r/rumpstate [NSFW] has been banned and if the actions of Vietnam on the Kimberly are any indication, we may not see it reinstated for the rest of the CBR.

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On the map, we see that the Party Pope of nu-Catholicism continues to reign supreme across the Eurasian supercontinent, Not-Aryanism-with-a-y spreads the master religion to all the denizens of the Americas, and Africa remains the prime spot for nailing lists on doors. Everyone else is competing for table scraps, a familiar feeling on this cylinder. It’s been an honor for me to narrate the exciting part for all of you creatures of the sub. It’s not every part in the CBR that a major peace breaks out, 20% of the combatants are killed, and then another major war breaks out! Many thanks are deserved for everyone who makes this thing happen every week. Please make sure to subscribe to r/civbattleroyale for all the latest and greatest in OC and shitposting, and please consider adding your two cents to the Blue Cassette Patreon so that we aren’t all freeloading on both their hard work and their cash going to hosting these parts. We’ll see you next week on the Civ Battle Royale!

Part 105: Rump Steak, Rare – mk2

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