Part 109: Black Flags and Broomsticks – mk2

March 13, 2018

Paddywagon Man

881

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This week’s OC is issue seven of Battleship Weekly, and comes from /u/HandaNauka. Nice to get a glimpse into the lives of the minor powers (or in this case, non-powers) of the cylinder. I’d love to see something similar for the Kimberley Ghost Fleet. There’s also a slightly… sadder reason I picked it for today’s part. But we’ll get to that later.
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Everybody’s favourite Melon Map. That’s my guess at least. It’s deleted from the sidebar right now, so I can’t look at it as I write this. It is the Melon Map, right? Hilo is probably still big?
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Brazil has absorbed the mighty Boers and are now racing towards victory. This has been a truly terrifying takedown, made all the more impressive when you realize we’ve only seen half the battle. Far above the ransacked Boer cities, space stations and orbital refineries dot the sky. From a gameplay perspective, they’re just ordinary Future Worlds buildings - 50/50 chance to be destroyed or captured with the city like any common granary or barracks. But just picture it. Boer space marines fighting to the last as one station after the next is blasted from the sky, destroyed by Skynet to prevent capture, or stormed by the Bossa Nova Corps. Stations losing signal as their home city is nuked, and being left to drift through space forgotten. Desperate Boer technicians trying to make sense of the broken signals from the ground, unable to comprehend the collapse of their empire. What a time to be following the CBR!
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Brazil unsurprisingly takes first place again in the Power Rankings, and chances are good they won’t be moving.
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The rout of the mighty Boers is all but complete, with even the island cities of Ondini and Middelburg falling before the march of the Brazil. Kruger can still take spiteful potshots at embarked Brazilian units, but he won’t be taking any cities back with ranged ships and a worker. Will Pedro continue to hunt Kruger through Antarctica, or leave him to ponder his mistakes?
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Shanghai falls to Brazil in a far-distant conflict. There is nowhere on the cylinder that Pedro’s impact is not felt. Australian, Blackfoot and Inuit peacekeepers stand together to make progress as difficult as possible, but Tabriz is almost guaranteed to fall, with Beijing and Otrar next on the chopping block. Korea has put together a quite respectable force of biotroopers and robot infantry though, which has a significant advantage over the paratrooper army Brazil had stationed in Sibir and Vietnam.
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More Brazilian units up here (surprise!), but I’d be surprised if this outdated and unsupported army did any better than Crowfoot’s did against the Inuit. Amga might fall but it’s unlikely anything else will without a lot of Brazilian bombers getting into range or another XCOM sweep. Pedro does have a few exclaves in Vietnam to use as airbases but we haven’t seen that area in a while. Mongolia has done a good job of modernizing, but they have very few units - and some funky borders. If Kruger and Crowfoot are the new Order of the Rump, then Genghis is definitely the new Exclavia.
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Here we have Hawaii, unified for the first time in centuries under the heel of the Kangaroo Jackboot. As you probably noticed right away, Australia and the Inuit have made a disappointing peace. That war wasn’t going to go anywhere though, so hopefully this will free them up to make gains somewhere manageable - like Korea, where they both have sizeable armies.
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“Yes, yes I do hate the Inuit! UNCLE!” cries Ingolfur Arneson, his arm twisted nearly out of its socket by a brawny Brazilian paratrooper. The Blackfoot army that once held sway here has been pushed back from the Inuit colony on the coast, replaced by more Carnival. More interesting, though, are the two loaded Buccaneer carriers winding their way through the Arctic sea. What’s Morgan planning?
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War were declared! In this corner, weighing in at ten settlers, five great people and sixty-odd Inuit supersoldiers, it’s Sweden! What cities they have left are tall and prosperous, but these guys are really stuck in a corner. At least they have a decent military. Lapeepnranta (I think? My graphics suck don’t judge) serves as a reminder of Pedro’s reach. It’s been annexed, although the useless settler proves it has still retained some of its Swedish culture.
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Peace is made, and Kruger surrenders some of his few remaining arctic cities to pacify the Samba Titan. The massive Boer fleet leaves to roam the ocean, a sort of karmic justice for the Kongolese ghost fleet of so many parts ago. Those were simpler times, and yet more hopeful. Now I fear we near the end of this saga as Henry Parkes declares war on the Boer diaspora like a vulture plucking at carrion. Goodnight, sweet robot prince.
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Crowfoot watches sadly from a troop carrier as Kekkonen gloats from his submarine. “Hey Paul! How’s that Iberia working out for you?” Unguarded troop ships carry a small and disorganized gaggle of Australian soldiers towards Looma, one of the last Boer cities. For backup they have brought a lone carrier with a single plane. Typical Aussie brilliance - although, in the real life Boer War, British Australia sent a force of Aborigines to South Africa. At the end of the war, they wouldn’t let them back into Australia because they weren’t white. Is that what’s happening here? Are these just the Kimberley draftees, deemed acceptable losses?
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Shanghai goes back to Korea, though it looks like there’s going to be a lot of flipping in this region. I’m not seeing any XCOMs though so it looks like Pedro’s ability to reinforce this push is lacking.
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Flip flop, Shanghai drops, when will the Open Borders stop? This whole region must be a logistical nightmare. No fewer than 8 civs have armies here out of 12 total. Notice the fat stacks of planes in Kuchum’s new cities. Could he be planning on joining the fun?
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The Inuit legions have expanded into the Glorious Dragon Empire. Vietnam has done a good job of getting these cities back up to a healthy population after the Australian and Blackfoot invasions, although Vigan is still puppeted. I’m impressed at the sheer number of Australian troops in Korea right now, especially considering they were at war with Korea a little while ago and couldn’t seem to get a force together. If they declared war again I can see them making some real gains.
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The cries to DELETE BRAZIL grow louder in Boer Wulungarra. I don’t think Pedro’s untrustworthy nature is coming as a surprise to anybody - with the capture of Shanghai, Brazil borders every remaining civ except Mongolia and the Blackfoot. And believe me, the Blackfoot are quite familiar with Pedro’s honeyed words and hidden daggers.
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A shot of Vietnam’s core. You know me, I’m a huge Vietnam supporter, but this is a pretty disappointing display. There are decent rings of troops around the core cities but most of their territory is full of Inuit and Brazil. On the bright side, filling your lands with two types of peacekeepers makes it harder for either one to backstab you. But seriously Trungs, build an army.
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Or join the Korea hate train! That works too! This is a big development, Sibir and Vietnam have just joined forces again to attack Korea, making the logistical mess even messier. Vietnam can maybe take some of these southern cities, but the Inuit and Australians certainly aren’t making things any easier. Don’t know what the sitch in Sibir is, but based on the last few shots of that region I doubt they’ll have any easier a time. It would be nice if Sibir could make some gains in Korea though. It would bring them back up to contender status, and we could give the conquests a cool original name. Like… Sibirea.
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This is outrageous! Tabriz has fallen to the Emperador, and Shanghai has obviously flipped some more but now looks quite firmly Brazilian. Brazil now borders everybody but the Blackfoot thanks to their treacherous cross-continental campaigns. Beijing’s population is the same, so it hasn’t flipped, but it almost certainly will this coming turn. Korea has a respectable army in this area though, and both Sibir and Vietnam seem entirely cut off from the battle.
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This shot demonstrates the massive gap between #2 Inuit and #3 Sibir. Wall-to-wall Inuit troops fill Sibir’s easternmost holdings. Kuchum has annexed both Almarkh and Sanchu though, so he may be able to bulk up his forces in the region. Sibir has also captured Tiflis from Sejong, their Chötgörtroopers storming the walls and routing the Korean defenders. Doesn’t look like pushing any further will be easy though.
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Here we see the Boer Antarctic territory - or, as the kids like to call it, the entirety of the Boer Empire. Not only did they choose the smallest of their four cities to be the new capital, it still doesn’t have a courthouse. Nothing short of a full elimination could hammer in the reality of the Boer collapse more than this shot of Kruger’s new home, with their 5-pop capital and with their only two land tiles both occupied by Inuit terminators.
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Vacationing in recently-subjugated Europe, Pedro is shocked to find a lingonberry in his caipirinha. He orders for thousands of his Swedish slaves to be executed and has his delegates bring a strongly-worded complaint to the World Congress. Brazil has a healthy army here, but very outdated, and certainly not the kind of carpet we’ve come to expect from them. The Inuit legions stationed in Sweden could make some trouble here in the advent of another war, but they would need Sweden’s help to capture any cities.
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Right in the core of Vietnam, Pedro is still making all the gains. Chongqing falls, and it doesn’t look like Korea will be taking it back with all the Aussies in the way. I’m probably going to have to hand in my Thought Police badge for saying this, but I’m a bit disappointed in Vietnam here. I’m not sure they’ll get a single city out of this debacle.
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Korea stands bravely in the face of Brazilian imperialism, retaking Tabriz and nuking Shanghai off the map. Vietnam has a settler nearby and now has an open path to Korea. Never count us out! That was decisive. Last shot of this area, Brazilian troops crowded around Shanghai like a wave of lime, alcohol and those little cocktail umbrellas. Now there’s nothing but pillaged tiles and radiation. A big hand for Revered Emperor Sejong, who has made the beast bleed.
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Sitting Bull be with me. There are no borders, there is no front line - just a massive mess of people fighting and a confusingly-shaped wall. This would make a good action movie though, if you were on a budget and wanted to show off all the Cylinder’s armies without having to film in multiple locations. Yarmanka and Elgyay look ready to fall to Mongolian Robot Infantry, as the battle between Beshbalik and Otrar rages. Genghis doesn’t have many soldiers, but he’s putting them to good use.
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“Oymyakhaaaaaaaaan!” comes the anguished cry from Karakorum. It seems Genghis is going to lose cities before he gains any, as Oymyakon has fallen to Sejong. Tomtor seems soon to follow, besieged by a mighty Korean navy - no wait, carriers. Nothing to see here folks.
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Don’t do it Sejong. You’re fighting too many wars already. This denouncement gives me hope for Parkes. He could take Japan overnight and quite possibly the Korean peninsula too if war started up again. He conspicuously lacks a navy though, even in comparison to Sejong’s carrier-centric trashpile.
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Did somebody say carrier-centric? Jeez, Ingolfur. The Buccaneers have more planes than Iceland does in this slide - which is to say they have exactly one plane in this slide. Plot against Kruger all you want, he probably still has a better core than you do. All these carriers are really getting on my nerves. They’re totally useless, like floating… bricks. Sea bricks. Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in “aircraft carrier” and add a can of alphabet soup, it spells Vote Umayyads? No agenda here, just some cool carrier trivia.
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Sejong and Pedro make peace, with Pedro having captured one city and forced another’s destruction. Now he’s just fully in the way, as if Parkes and Ekeuhnick weren’t doing a good enough job already.
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Despite the peacekeepers, Sibir manages to take Amga and Suntar! Amga is firmly in his hands, Suntar might flip, and Yarmanka has clearly flipped already but looks to go grey in the end.
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THE END TIMES ARE UPON US. First, Conquest rode forth on a bright orange hovertank. Then War dropped from the sky in a line-green parachute. Now the book has been broken open in Famine’s icy grip as he… um, declares war on Death? Maybe Famine should just be the famine after the reset, so Ekeunhick can be Death. But then would Morgan be… Pestilence? Seems a bit off. Okay, so the metaphor sort of escaped from me there. But the enormity of the scene before me has not. Ekeuhnick has turned his armies south against the Buccaneers, but Pedro the puppet-master has leapt to the aid of his old enemy. Since Brazil first began routing the Boers in Africa, it was held by many that Morgan’s nukes would be the only thing that could stop his complete ascendancy. But now those nukes point northwards - and I count at least six.
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Ciudad Juarez has been nuked, and Brazilian robots advance on its shattered walls. And while it isn’t in-frame, the circle of near-dead Inuit soldiers suggests that Morgan has shown true grit and nuked Houston as well. It’s a good day for Brazil, a bad day for the Inuit, and a generally ugly situation. A lone, dying Texas ranger rides out of the mushroom cloud, desperately trying to extinguish the atomic fire on his blazing saddle. Brazilian Mexico has been bombed to yellow or red, but the Inuit don’t have any units at the front after that clutch nuking.
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A reminder of the Inuit and Brazilian peacekeepers that must now be fighting for their lives all over the Cylinder, we see the Inuit’s lonely Greenland colony. It is menaced by Brazilian forces but not in any danger of falling. A Buccaneer carrier is caught behind enemy lines. There will be no escape for them with the cybersubs prowling the icy waters. Their planes fly out for one final run, trailing the Jolly Roger in defiance.
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Nobody has any clue what’s going on in Asia anymore, except that it involves a lot of people killing each other in one war while trying to avoid the people fighting the other. Vietnam has taken Tabriz, but Sejong has mustered a great army to bring against the invaders. It doesn’t seem to me like Nick or Pedro would have stopped unit production at a time like this, so does that mean units from both sides are being teleported into an active battlefield? Without any cities at stake for either party? If so we may be looking at the most pointless meatgrinder in the CBR’s history.
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Brazilian Raj, now almost entirely annexed, hosts some Siberian and Australian partygoers. In the middle of the subcontinent stands Uberlandia, a public display of Pedro’s power and ego. Meanwhile, the American throwdown is overshadowed by an even greater event - coral is still legal. What could it all mean? Finland and the Buccaneers led the movement to preserve it, but the Inuit came out strongly against. Could this be an effort by Kekkonen to revive his lost empire by allying with Morgan? And Mongolia has taken the Inuit’s side in opposition to Brazil, a clear and worrying statement. Possibly most shocking is Australia siding with the Inuit. There’s just so much going on in this slide, I don’t even know where to start.
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The nations of the Cylinder decide it’s been too long since the last Orange Containment Project and start another one. It’s a quick and decisive victory. In the background, Sibir flexes its muscles. Far from being covered in Brazilians like they were a few parts ago, they now boast a mighty carpet. If they can make more progress against Korea and devour the remaining Mongolian rump state, Kuchum will be a serious contender. The real takeaway here is much sadder though. Texas is not listed in the voting nations. Pedro, with his world-spanning power, has spitefully destroyed the Lone Star Battleship. F
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In Islamic belief, the conquest of Constantinople would be one of the signs of the impending Day of Judgement. Islam may have faltered on the Cylinder, but they got one thing right. Pedro took Constantinople in his evisceration of Sweden, and since then the Cylinder has been nothing but Carnaval. Admittedly Constantinople had already been captured… quite a few times by other people. But this time it’s legit.
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A sad day gets sadder as Crowfoot declared war on the crippled Boers. There will be no Order of the Rump in this pitiless world. Brazilian XCOMs drop on the front lines to attack Inuit Mexico, but no cities have fallen yet.
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Houston has indeed been nuked, and Henry’s still got nukes to spare. Gonzales is at half health, but its population has not dropped, suggesting it was just conventional stealth-bombing. Petit-Goave has been bombed to red, but its robotic garrison holds strong and threatens to advance into Inuit lands.
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Damn it, this entire warzone makes no sense. Korea has somehow take Tabriz back from Vietnam, and it is now entirely surrounded by peacekeepers and Mongolian hovertanks (which cannot take cities). But there are Inuit nearby. So maybe one of the Inuit peacekeepers will kill one of the Brazilian peacekeepers, or maybe one of the hovertanks will die, so that Mongolia, Sibir, and Vietnam can squabble over the decimated city…
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Kuchum snatches Oymyakon like the jerk he is (it started the part as a Mongolian city) and Yarmanka as Elgyay teeters on the brink. Turfan is ripe for the picking, if you could only get past the peacekeepers. The Inuit definitely seem to be winning against Brazil up here, not that it makes any difference to the actual war being fought.
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Don’t do it Crowfoot. You have so few units left, don’t squander them in suicide attacks. Oh, what was I expecting. AI gonna AI. The Boers have been at war with three different civs for most of the part without it so much as warranting a flyover.
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This is more or less the same shot we saw earlier, but with the lovely fallout clouds visible. And Morgan has at least 7 more nukes in this slide, with more probably stored in Puerto Cabello. It feels damn good to have the pirate back. Not the trembling buffer state - the vicious, greedy, rum-soaked Pirate King!
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Puebla takes a nuke as well, instantly carbonizing a large column of Inuit soldiers as Gonzales falls to Brazil. Morgan is sweeping Ekeuhnick’s carpet clean! Like a... broom. Anyone? Sorry. Pedro has played this perfectly, turning the minor powers of America against his rival while he expands his empire unopposed. Inuit go before Brazil in turn order though, so Nick can hopefully fill that gap before Pedro floods it with XCOMs - if Pedro even has the XCOMs to do it with. We haven’t seen many in this theatre compared to Africa, so it’s entirely possible that most of his mobile forces are still tied up in the Old World.
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A solid, unbroken wall of Australians and Inuit cut Vietnam off from Korea. Bongo bongo bongo… Can they stop the Viet Cong, though? Yes, yes they can.
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Bring Your Flag to War Day in Korea. Have they regressed to using semaphore? Are they supposed to be bannermen? Or did Sejong just decided he needed 10 settlers and a further pissed-off Brazil? The main takeaway here is how empty Sejong’s core is compared to Sibir’s - not much of an air force either. It looks like he might flip Oymyakon a couple times but he’s definitely on the losing end of this war.
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Austin flies the Jolly Roger as a skull-plated iron giant storms the beaches. What a day it’s been! With Austin having only just been taken from the Blackfoot, I doubt it had any space installations, which puts my Cowboys vs Space Pirates fan fiction to rest - but this is still a huge moment for proud Buccaneers everywhere. I hope Henry can put that manipulative Mini-Pedro in his place and make some gains here, though it doesn’t look he has the ground forces for it. I’m going to settle for hoping Henry keeps Austin instead of it flipping and going to Pedro.
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Winnipeg has just been nuked, and it seems like Kitchener was nuked last turn. Henry has 10 more nukes in the slide, although if I were him I would park my submarines a little further from the coast. With the great mass of robots in Florida, might be able to take Albany or… Centrufilgog? Sorry, it isn’t on the melon map and I can’t read these city names worth a darn. Neither city is damaged, but Brazil and the Buccs both have strong air forces.
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Tabriz is about to fall, but whether it falls to Sibir or Mongolia is anybody’s guess. Turfan and Otrar have taken some serious bombing as well, But the Inuit are spreading. Any gains will have to be made quickly before the entire battlefield is choked.
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Ciudad Juarez still hasn’t fallen or even flipped, which strikes me as odd considering the breakneck speed of the conquest of Africa. My guess is that the Brazilians still haven’t gotten their 27B stroke 6 filled out, they’re real sticklers for paperwork. At least they have the Australians to keep the Inuit from Guadalajara. Austin, regrettably, is now in Brazilian hands - rough place to live, it’ been in the hands of every remaining American civ in the last couple parts. Doesn’t look like Morgan’s role in this war is going to be much more than nuke support going forward.
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Dallas has fallen as well, and Brazil now holds most of the southern coastal cities. El Paso has been bombed to yellow and Sisseton has been nuked. The Inuit carpet seems to be breaking up under the bombardment as pirate forces press up from Floridarrr and XCOMs menace Houston. There’s also a surprisingly large embarked Australian force here. Parkes could certainly flip Brazil’s recent conquests if he declared now, although it wouldn’t amount to anything beyond the first turn. Seems to me like he was planning on starting another war with the Inuit, only their southern border disappeared while he was in transit.
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Tabriz is Mongolian at the moment, but it’s bound to fall back to Sejong, and the bloody peacekeepers are getting in the way of everything. Blue Cassette is surely beginning to regret hiring Michael Bay to direct this season of CBR, all these distractions and obstacles are making the Asian subplot almost impossible to follow. Doesn’t look like Korea and the Inuit have Open Borders, though the Australians now cover most of Korea. Typical Hollywood whitewash casting.
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Suddenly (and encouragingly!) we see some of the Siberian unit carpet make its way to Korea. Tommot looks like the next city to be taken, although Genghis is making a brave push towards Nizhnekolymsk. Inuit and Brazilians stare at each other passive-aggressively over the Great Wall. Open Borders being what they are, The Inuit can’t cross - which is just as well for the feeble paratroopers on the other side.
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Two new cities here, Juiz de Fora and Sao Jose dos Campos. Native Arabian culture is devoured one piece at a time by the ever-expanding Samba Titan and his Portuguese city names. The World Congress stands up to Brazilian imperialism by trying to make olives illegal and embargo the Buccaneers. Dvin, Jerusalem and Bethlehem have been annexed, but my main worry is the colossal Brazilian airforce based here. The Siberian carpet expands into Brazilian territory in a clever subversion of the normal peacekeeper arrangement. In the last couple parts it was worried that the Brazilians in Sibir made them a doomed power, but Kuchum has really found his feet this part. He’s the only power that I think could make gains against Brazil right now.
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Oh my. So far as I can tell, Brazil and the Boers do not have Open Borders, meaning the Boer fleet we saw earlier is cut off from their only remaining cities. And while the Australian fleet approaching Boer Antarctica is hardly massive, at least their carriers are loaded. I don’t want to jump to any hasty conclusions, but the Boers could well lose Looma even if they avoid elimination.
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Oh… oh dear. That Blackfoot fleet is most likely on its way to Boer Antarctica, but there’s a chance it might suicidally attack Australia as well. Either way, it’s clear Pedro still has his claws in Crowfoot, using him either to avoid warmonger penalties or to distract one of his few remaining rivals. Brazil is now too powerful be narrated in simple words. Only Ricky Martin would do them justice. He loves manipulation, Black flags and buffalo Faced with annihilation, Boers say he’s got to go
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But has our day just brightened? Two armies have embarked. Who’s next to join the fighting? Crowfoot or Henry Parkes? Oh, you open up your borders but he dumps you on the curb You drop him a denounce but then he takes Johannesburg Just to get the final word ~
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Now upside, inside out, you’re doing the Bossa Nova Paul’s Vocaloid, no doubt, is doing the Bossa Nova The Inuit looked great, but couldn’t stop the XCOM steamroller And now the southern states, are doing the Bossa Nova Doing the Bossa Nova
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ahem Tabriz was Mongolian last we saw it, now it’s back in Korean hands but with a hungry Siberian biotrooper ready to snatch it up. Last slide saw Cenfliegos (almost had it!) fall to Brazil while the Buccs nuked Montreal, but I couldn’t find a way to fit it in. It’s been quite a part! The Boer rump state is hunted on all sides, the deciding war for the Americas is being waged all across the Cylinder, and more challengers approach in the form of overflowing Australian and Siberian carpets. Perhaps more exciting than anything else, we have seen the return of the bloody pirate we all loved so much. All of us. If you say you don’t, you’re just trying to be edgy.
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Population chart, with Brazil obviously leading. You know just how bloody these last wars have been when you realize that despite holding vastly more land than the Boers ever did, the population of the Brazilian Empire is a lot lower than the number the Boers hit at their peak. Inuit in fifth after absorbing the Blackfoot is a bit of a surprise, as is Sibir with half Australia’s population but a fair chunk more production. In the background we have a fully carpeted Australia, besides the lakes which are currently being leased by a Brazilian swimming team.
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This is devastating. Brazil has nearly double the Inuit’s production. But Sibir has a very impressive count as well, and Vietnam is surprisingly close behind fourth-place Australia. The Boers languish at the very back, behind even the Blackfoot, with their paltry 259 hammers. Korea is outproduced more than 4-1 by the coalition against them.
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Brazil are very cultured people, beating next-place Inuit by more than 3-1. You know, something just occurred to me that I’m not sure has been said yet - not only is Brazil big, but (get this!) 10 parts ago we might not have seen this coming. I’m going to go make a post and multiple comments, people must be told.
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Their tourism lead over the Inuit is smaller, but still enough for them to rig the Civ Rap Battle Royale so the Inuit would lose. Have you no shame, Pedro? Australia is handily beaten by not only the Inuit but Sibir as well, which is rather unexpected. Looking back at the culture stats from last slide, it looks like Brazil would be pretty darn close to a cultural victory if it weren’t disabled - only Sibir, the Inuit and (barely) Australia have more culture than than Brazil has tourism, and that’s before modifiers for trade routes and open borders.
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Australian Catholicism is still the largest religion, mostly thanks to the efforts of the late Tiridates. Blackfoot Arianism, with its 15% production bonus, is in second place - could this be part of the reason the American civs are so far in the lead? Dodekatheism remains limited to Jerusalem, Forn Sidr has spread through a decent chunk of Iceland’s territory, and Nestorianism is practiced by seven guys on a submarine.
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Religion map. Therevada has taken hold in South Asia and is spreading through Oceania, Lutheranism is the majority religion in New Brazil (Africa, to use the outdated name), and the Catholic juggernaut holds sway in Europe, Asia and Alaska. And that’s been Part 109 of the Civ Battle Royale! Place your bets in the new World War we’ve got brewing, it’s been a wild ride.