Part 112: Cylinder: Total War

1

Hey has anyone heard of that cool superhero movie coming soon yeah here’s some cool oc based on that, isn’t it cool? good work /u/Lutoures, it’s very cool. i like how brazil is the big guy in the background. is that the protagonist or antagonist of the movie? Very cool. Another week, another exciting episode of mass genocide on a cylindrical scale. This time, I, /u/DanielTheFinn (not that anyone ever cares who the narrator is), will be guiding you through the terrifying mess, or at least try to guide you. Well, I can’t complain as I’d rather have crazy total war than 50 slides of Sibir and Vietnam flipping the same cities over and over again. Something like that won’t happen in this part, right? R-right? I have two absolutely terrible AARs under my belt, so I guarantee you that the narration for this part will be of superior quality. I’d provide you links to these AARs, but I’m not sure the contract I signed allows me to shill my older works. It did say that Reon will own my soul for the rest of eternity. Anyways, I’m just not gonna risk it, in case I lose my opportunity to narrate one of my favourite AARs on the net.

2

[insert clever and observant melon map caption here] Coiot‘s Note: The three biggest cities are huddled next to each other in Pacific. Quite a sight! Shame it won‘t last too long.

3

[insert clever and observant tile accurate map caption here] Coiot‘s Note: Even at the end, Italy remains split, how wonderful, n.n

4

Because of time constraints I’ll have to write the caption for the PR slide before seeing it. Man, look at all those big numbers, Brazil sure is unstoppable! Gee, I wonder if the Goliath will fall if a dozen Davids throw slingstones at it? Well, let’s find out! (spoilers: no)

5

UNFADE THE FLAIRS The highlight of the last part (aside from the whole boring total war thing) was definitely the unexpected and inexplicable revival of Japan and the Philippines by the Blackfoot. Well, for you people, at least. I’m sure I’d be excited too if I hadn’t started following CBR a while after Philippines and Japan ceased to be relevant. And, you know, if the two civs wouldn‘t get conquered within a turn. Which will happen. I haven’t even looked at the slides yet but I know I’m right. Everyone declares war on the two leaders that have returned from the dead. Maybe they‘re afraid of zombies. Note how Gladstone is the Blackfoot capital.

6

UNFADE ANOTHER FLAIR And that’s not all! Thanks to the Blackfoot, Hawaii is back as well on one of the Hawaiian islands! Now all I need is Crowfoot reviving Finland. Zombie Kekkonen shall conquer the world with infinite XCOMs! Petition to change Crowfoot’s name to Necrowfoot: https://www.change.org/p/crowfoot-renamed-to-necrowfoot

7

Hey look, Australia and Vietnam are fighting in Indonesia! I am sure this won‘t turn into a pointless meatgrinder where the same cities are flipped over and over again! Because that sure has never happened before in this region! Although to be honest, ‘Straya does have a lot of decent infantry, while Vietnam has boats with guns. So maybe my fears are unfounded.

08

You know, it‘s nice when the numbers of the image files go from 3 to 8. Suddenly you start worrying about the download having gone wrong or there being a mistake. Thanks Limerick! Inuit is not out of the game yet, bitches. Ekeuhnick will carve a snake and survive until only they and Brazil remain, so they can at least finish in the second place. Also how the heck does Mongolia still hold Tomtor? Oh wait I forgot the AI is dumb as fuck. My bad.

09

Sibir is not fond of the Inuit‘s idea and sends forth legions of biotroopers to take their rightful clay. And yes, Mongolia still owns cities down here too, somehow.

10

Just a little further south Australia has taken Tabriz from Mongolia. This total war sure is creating a lot of bordergore... if only Kekkonen was here to enjoy it. ;c Vietnam is mostly empty, which is not a good sign. At least they have decent forces on their borders, but I wonder how long they will last against Sibir, who seems to have the upper hand in Northern Asia.

11

Vietnamese legions of biotroopers and robots desperately fight Brazilian paratrooper corps and XCOM squads in the Bengalese swamps. That‘s a sentence that has never been said before in the history of humankind. CBR is full of this kind of nonsense, which is one of the many reasons why I love it. While the two sisters might retake Lahore and Goatse I mean Gyantse, Brazil will very likely take them back instantly with their larger and more mobile army, and might snipe a few cities behind the frontline as well. Resistance is futile, Trung sisters. Just bend over and let Pedro give you both a brazilian wax.

12

'Who will take it?' Well fucking guess who just did, last week‘s narrator. Brazil takes Wulungarra from Straya and makes the Boer penguins quack nervously. Both green hordes are sending in reinforcements to secure the island and the nearby Boer colonies. A trio of Buccaneer Carriers bump into Boer ships, their drunk crewmen flinging insults at the biomechanical penguins. It‘s not very effective. Also, the buccaneer great musician is nowhere to be seen. Press ARRR to pay respects. Can carriers attack great admirals, by the way? That‘s obviously something I‘ve never had to ask when playing Civ 5, because I don‘t put carriers in my frontline like some moron.

13

Sibir, alongside with Australia, is the only real 'threat' to Brazil, and I put the word in quotation marks. Even they don‘t have enough military might to do more than slow down the CARNAVAL. Yerevan, Yervantashat, Ghazni and Carrollton are in the black and South Jyväskylä (hey that‘s named after my home town neat) has been captured. Sibir robots are the only thing preventing Brazil from gaining a yet another capital, and their numbers have thinned considerably since the last part. Nothing can stop the CARNAVAL. HUEHUEHUEHUEHUE

14

Finns grab some mämmi, sit on the porches of their homes and watch the distant lightshow reflect on the surface of a calm and still lake. Brazil, Sweden and Sibir are doing their best to make a breakthrough and capture cities, to no avail so far.

15

Hey look literally nothing has changed since last part. I could replace this with a slide from last part and you couldn‘t tell the difference. Okay fine there might be a few more Brazilian soldiers but honestly it‘s not like anyone bothers to count them. There‘s simply too dang many of them.

16

wait hold the fuck on didn‘t Iceland own most of these cities last turn that‘d be scary if I wasn‘t used to this by now (thanks to the internet, I say that about a lot of things) EXCEPT ROME STILL STANDS PROUD! BRAVE VIKING ROBOTS OF ICELAND, HOLD YOUR GROUND AND DEFEND THE CITY UNTIL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU HAS FALLEN! THOR IS WATCHING! Pedro: shrugs eh whatever obliterates everyone in ten seconds flat and casually walks into the eternal city

17

BY THE GODS LOOK AT ALL THIS EXCITING ACTION IN THIS IMAGE! MILLIONS DEAD! ANCIENT CITIES ERADICATED BY NUCLEAR HELLFIRE! LONG-DEAD CIVS RISING FROM THE DEAD! UNBELIEVABLE SNIPES AND BORDERGORE AND PEACE TREATIES AND WAR DECLARATIONS!!! I‘M GONNA CUM!!! This is officially the most exciting image in the history of After-Action reports.

18

The CARNAVAL has arrived in the streets of Paris! It didn‘t take long for almost everything here to get conquered by Brazil. Poor leader of Iceland whose name I have forgotten. The year is 5461 AD. France is entirely occupied by the Brazilians. Well, not entirely... One small city of indomitable Icelanders still holds out against the invaders. And life is not easy for the XCOM soldiers who garrison the fortified camps surrounding the city... okay fine Orleans is there too but York is almost exactly where the canonical location of the village is! how could i not make that reference?

19

Meanwhile in the South, Brazil‘s progress in Western Africa is the complete opposite of their progress in Western Europe. By that I mean there hasn‘t been any progress here at all, really. Either Buccs and Icelanders have bravely fought to defend the lands they took centuries ago or Brazil is just lazy. I‘m inclined to believe the latter to be true.

20

hey look, absolutely nothing has happened here. wow. I‘m sure Brazil will have fun conquering the Isles of Cancer, as I like to call them. Look at all those mountains and icebergs and one-tile wide passages. And there‘s a citadel there, too. Maybe for once Brazil will be slowed down. Pedro: shrugs eh whatever obliterates everyone in ten seconds flat and casually walks into Oshawa and Kiyaksa

21

Poor Inuit. They‘ve been my second favourite civ since I started following CBR. It was fun watching them slowly creep southward, spreading winter everywhere and slaughtering foolish warmbloods who stood in their way. But alas, all good things must come to an end. I wrote that because there‘s nothing else to write because nothing has fucking happened here either OH WAIT, NO, I HAVE SPOTTED SOMETHING! Brazil took Cuiaba back from Iceland. That‘s all.

22

Ekeuhnick: Fuck you Pedro, do you know how fucking hard it was to take these lands from Canada? Constant artillery bombardment, constant flipping, constant naval landings, the war lasted for ages before we finally triumphed. We earned these lands. Now you just waltz in and take it all without breaking a sweat. Fuck you, man. Pedro: I don‘t waltz in, I samba in. HUEHUEHUEHUE

23

Oh yeah Ivvavik fell. Apparently that‘s not important according to the narrator of the last part, who doesn’t even know what the Inuit capital is. That just shows the poor quality of Brazilian education! Ivvavik, one of the few cities on the cylinder that had never been occupied by a foreign invader, home to several wonders. Now in filthy Brazilian hands. God dammit. Why do all the things I love fall apart? AHEM anyways, Ekeuhnick, his military commanders and his government have all fled across the mountains to the relative safety of Tunnuo. The Ice Sheet Fleet, which was declared useless long ago, suddenly becomes useful. They are the last hope of the Inuit. which ships are melee ships? Please tell me there‘s many of them. PLEASE I BEG YOU

24

Australian carriers form a wall around Honolulu to prevent it from falling again. Or maybe they‘re protecting Hawaii? Nah, I‘m 99% sure Parker already annexed Kamehameha‘s ass. FADE THE FLAIR I ‘member rooting for Brazil long ago. Back then, I hoped they could keep the Australian garbage patch at bay and drive the digger invaders away from their continent. Maybe one day they would even finally conquer the Buccs and have a showdown with the Inuit. Then the winner, now the sole ruler of the Americas, would become a worthy rival for the Boers. Oh, I ‘member. Those were good times.

25

Remember that cliffhanger from last part? Hard to say exactly what has happened here, but it doesn‘t look like Australia is winning. Nobody is surprised. Everybody is depressed (except Brazil supporters). me too thanks.

26

Almost all of Mexicarrr has fallen, the Nassau Canal has been taken, Huamanga has been conquered and half the buccaneer military seems to be gone. But somehow, Leogane, Georgetown and Parana have not been occupied. In fact, Parana even recovered a little. But now the Better Portuguese turn their attention to these cities. Everyone by now knows how it will go. No one is going to call /u/ jprivado a prophet for predicting that these cities would fall within 2-3 parts.

27

Palenque and Port-Au-Prince hold for now, but there are fewer defenders than before and more attackers. Palenque will fall next turn, but Port-Au-Prince might hold out a little longer thanks to all those mountains and carriers. But it is all in vain, for ultimately all will be vomit green. Why vomit green? Why didn‘t some other, heck, any other civilization overthrow the Boers? Why did the Boers lose at all? I‘d rather have diarrhea orange than vomit green covering the whole map, to be honest. wait hold on holy shit since when has Port Royal had 50 population

28

Computer processors coldly calculate millions of painful and horrifying deaths all across the cylinder. For hours, they labour. More and more soldiers join the Brazilian military and are armed to the teeth. More and more soldiers from other nations die in droves. Civilians starve in besieged cities, perish in brutal urban assaults or flee to the countryside en masse, where the computer cannot reach them. But even there, they cannot find peace as soldiers clash with each other and pillage what they can. The computer cares not. It simply calculates, switches zeroes and ones, translates the data and finally presents it to its masters. Ten years have passed on the cylinder, while roughly 35 hours have passed in the real world. The grim calculations are finally complete. The next turn has arrived. Time to resupply my popcorn container!

29

Ivvavik is retaken, then taken again. The frozen capital of the once mighty Inuit has turned into a ghost town. Yet the Inuit do not give up. Surrender is not an option. Inuit to winuit... I remember thinking that when the Inuit swiftly conquered the Blackfoot. But then they got a taste of their own medicine.

30

Well, almost. But the Inuit refuse to be swiftly conquered and throw all they have at the southerners. Brazil‘s victory may be inevitable, but the more coffins the bastards have to take back home, the better. They must pay for every meter they take with a liter of warm blood. yes i refuse to use imperial units fuk u backwards Americans Coiot‘s Note: Imma wash your mouth with soap!

31

Brazil seems to have made zero progress here. But they have brought reinforcements. In the next turn, the offensive in this region will begin in earnest.

32

As I predicted, Palenque and Parana have fallen. But what I didn‘t predict was the Buccs taking back Maracaibo and Chicken Pizza, as well as Leogane and Georgetown remaining in their hands. They do have a lot of boats here, even if many of them are carriers. Brazil lacks ranged units and ships of their own, so the Buccaneers have an advantage. But even then they can only prolong the inevitable.

33

Because Brazil does have ships of their own, and plenty of them. They‘re just coming from another direction. Cartagena falls and Nevis is besieged and blockaded. Carriers sink all the time. Port Royal starves and hundreds of thousands die every year. It‘s not looking good for the pirates.

34

The soldiers defending York have some amazing new liquid substance which gives them astonishing strength and speed. Two of the soldiers, a short and clever biotrooper with a winged helmet and his tall and big-boned companion, have become heroes of the city and icons of resistance. Brazilians are driven back and are baffled by this unexpected defeat. Emperor Pedro will not be pleased. Iceland‘s navy is about 50% carriers (no I‘m not gonna calculate the exact percentage), but the rest are somewhat useful ships. They might be able to flip coastal cities for quite a long time.

35

Sweden takes Malmö, Brazil takes Wroclaw. Nothing else happens. Brazil seems to be focusing its efforts elsewhere.

36

Perhaps here, on the Eastern Front? Long Xuyen, a Sibir salient, has fallen, as have the cities of Nedong and Tashkent. Judging by how few citizens flee when Brazilians capture a city, most of them welcome their new overlords. Perhaps that is because Pedro offers something no other leader on the cylinder does: eternal world peace, order and progress, and endless carnivals with almost completely naked women. That doesn‘t sound that bad, actually. Maybe Brazilians are the good guys, after all?

37

Most of the cities here that were in the black fall: Yerevan, Yervantashat and Ghazni. Only Carrollton holds. The Caucasus is almost completely secured and Pedro has a yet another fine addition to his collection of capital cities. Further east, Sibir does its best to hold Kabul and Nishapur. These mountain passes are the gates which prevent the vomit green flood from spewing out onto the flat deserts beyond. Or, well, they would be gates if the Brazilian army wasn‘t full of paratroopers and XCOMs.

38

Vietnam does retake Lahore, but it is in vain as most of their forces here have vanished. I mean who the hell am I kidding, their soldiers fucking died in droves in the bloody marshes of Bengal. Elsewhere, Peshawar falls and Brazilians drop soldiers close to enemy cities. Slowly but surely, the green tide advances. Beyond the front, the Vietnamese lands still lie empty. A few scattered regiments garrison cities and that‘s it. Don’t worry Vietnam fans, I’m sure everything will be fine.

39

Karakorum is surrounded. It is one of the three remaining Mongol cities. Legions of Sibir biotroopers close in on the city, which is defended by a single tank-thing unit and a caravan. Genghis Khan has two options: flee or die. Or, well, leaders can‘t die until all their cities fall, so he actually has only one option: flee to one of his other cities if Sibir attacks. Will Kuchum grant Genghis a warrior‘s death by taking Karakorum last? I doubt it. Vietnam and Sibir give me flashbacks of the eternal meatgrinder. the word 'Bamda' makes me shudder.

40

Sibir cuts the head of the Inuit snek and continues to chop it up into pieces (i‘m sorry if you like snakes). Khonuu has a decent garrison, so it will likely be the last Mongol city to fall. If Genghis won’t die in his capital, then he can die here. Ready your F keys gentlemen.

41

As the peace treaty between Vietnam and Korea is no longer in effect, Sejong has reoccupied many of the cities he gave away, while fighting off Australians and Brazilians. But his fateful decision to not build a proper army is starting to bite him in the ass seriously as enemies from distant lands outnumber him in his homeland.

42

The Australians seem to have captured another city in Asia and advance on almost completely defenceless Korean cities. A little further east Koreans advance on almost completely defenceless Inuit cities.

43

Parkes has fully secured the Philippines while the Vietnamese fleet prevents any landing attempts in Southeast Asia. I feel like this front will be a meatgrinder, once again. Australia is just not good at attacking. How many times has Parkes invaded Southeast Asia? It‘s almost comical at this point.

44

Another turn, more death. Not only has Australia secured the Philippines, but the Japanese isles and the women and the children too. Also, someone nuked Nagoya before or after it fell. Yep. I hope none of you silly idiots placed Japan and the Philippines high in the rankings. Also, I think the Blackfoot died with their zombies. FADE ALL THE FLAIRS Ironic. Crowfoot could save others from death, but not himself. Meanwhile Brazil has summoned a big army out of nowhere and is now conquering almost completely defenceless Vietnam. I guess I should mention this too, even if it has no effect on the game whatsoever: The world votes to repeal cultural heritage sites. I guess they are indeed kinda pointless now, as most cultural sites have been utterly raped by war.

45

Well, to be honest Australia has almost secured the Japanese isles, for Korea still holds Osaka and Kanazawa. And here they actually have units, unlike in the vital heartland of their nation. The American faith fails to become the world religion. What shocking and important news.

46

Korean units begin to arrive in Inuit lands, Australian units continue to advance towards Korean cities.

47

You might notice in the upper left corner that Khonuu is the new capital of the Mongol empire. Genghis Khan had no option but to shamefully flee his capital and first city. Looks like Kuchum was not merciful. Pyongyang has been captured by Australians and the Korean army continues to exist elsewhere. Parkes has taken advantage of this absence and carved a nice enclave here.

48

The Brazilians have reached the Roof of the World. Pedro visits it in person, looks down at the world around him and proclaims 'All this shall be coloured vomit green on the map. It‘s my favourite colour because I have shit taste.' That was not propaganda, I swear. He actually said that. In other, less fake news, Nishapur has fallen and Senggezangbo (say that ten times fast Dawkinzz) is surrounded. It has a sizeable number of airplanes garrisoning it, which the AI will surely pull out before the city falls, because the AI is smart.

49

The infamous meatgrinder will not happen again, simply because Vietnam doesn‘t have that many units at all here. The Sibir have penetrated the mountain passes and now invade the almost completely defenceless cities in the Tarim basin. Nyingchi falls and Nagchuka is soon to follow.

50

Karakorum has indeed fallen, as has Tomtor. Khonuu is the last remaining Mongolian city, and already half of its garrison is dead or wounded. Now that Genghis has been humiliated, Kuchum is happy to finish him off and gives his soldiers a simple order: 'Bring me his head.'

51

Carrolton holds, as does the rest of the Sibir-Brazil front. Brazilians seem to lack units here, unlike the Sibir who have a neat carpet not only near the front but further away from their borders as well. It’s looking good for them, for now. I‘d become a Sibir supporter if I didn‘t fear that they‘ll meet the same fate as the Inuit did.

52

Brazil makes slow progress on the Northern Front, and is about to take Vantaa. Helsinki is threatened as well. Sweden has plenty of good units though, so they‘ll likely hold out for quite a while.

53

The city of Icelanders with superpowers remains free. But just like the village in the comics likely fell to the Romans eventually, so will York, as its defenders lie dead. Pedro‘s top scientists created a similar drug and gave it to their soldiers, who defeated the brave Gauls I mean Icelanders. The sky is about to fall on top of their heads. (I do find it quite funny that the region of real-world Brittany is holding out against the Brazilians so well, considering that I played as the Duchy of Brittany in my last AAR)

54

Hastings is about to fall too, but it at least has plenty of ships surrounding it. Some of them are not carriers, so flipping is likely.

55

Brazil STILL hasn‘t taken Icelandic Africa, despite having large hordes of puke green soldiers everywhere. Is Mini-Pedro unable to tell Pedro what to do here, leaving him clueless and helpless?

56

Or perhaps Mini-Pedro was simply focusing his attention on Africarr. Which has now ceased to exist. The Buccaneers are back to existing on a single continent. ‘Member their vast pan-continental sea empire ruled by a cunning human-like AI? Oh, I ‘member.

57

Speaking of the Buccs, let’s check how they’re doing! Nevis is surprisingly the only city to fall here. The mountains around Port-Au-Prince, Leogane and Georgetown are certainly making it hard for the Brazilians to advance, not to mention the naval support which also keeps Maracaibo and Chicken Pizza secure. But the Brazilians are relentless. Already more than half of the world is coloured in Pedro‘s favourite color. Why should they stop? It‘s not like they‘ll ever run out of young men, machines and bioengineered supersoldiers to throw at the enemy.

58

More years pass, and the front in the north does not move. The Inuit hold. Pedro is annoyed, because he’s used to his forces easily overwhelming the enemy with sheer numbers and superior tactics. What‘s the problem now? Is it the hostile climate, radically different from the tropical heat of Brasilia?

59

Whatever it is, it has made Operation Samba fail to make any progress in Inuit-held Canada, despite the size of the green army. Pedro orders his generals to continue the offensive until they have achieved victory, no matter the cost. His soldiers keep returning home every single day in the thousands. Their frozen bodies contained in coffins made from brazilwood. Ekeuhnick sends his regards.

60

Icelandic soldiers take advantage of the Inuit’s weakness and seize Husavik. A Brazilian captain sends a message to them, sarcastically thanking them for their help as his forces approach the city.

61

The lands might be ravaged by ceaseless war, but the seas are doing great! The pacific garbage patch has been considerably reduced in size and the ocean is cleaner than ever. Aren‘t Brazilians real environmentalists? The millions of citizens of Coff‘s Harbour nervously look at their robotic garrison as the killing machines prepare to defend the arcology-isle to the last.

62

No continent is safe from total war, not even Antarctica. Quandan falls to the Brazilians and Tamworth is next. Further west, the edge of the remaining pacific garbage patch slowly drifts towards their frozen colonies. Damn, both sides having a mixed fleet with all kinds of naval units, and with airplanes stationed on almost all carriers? Am I hallucinating right now? Maybe I should sleep already, it‘s getting kinda late...

63

Fuck that, I‘m almost done. I need to keep going. Mini-Pedro and Pedro are not stupid. They simply choose a target region, conquer it with maximum efficiency, and then move on to the next one. First, Icelandic France. Then, Africarr. Now, Icelandic Africa. The world is just a list of regions to be assimilated, in order. Nothing shall stand in the way of efficient progress.

64

Well, except the tenacious city of York. The Brazilian legions have assembled around the city and are ready to attack for the last time, their abilities enhanced by Emperor Pedro‘s super-strength serum. But the ancient city gates are flung open and a host of Icelanders come forth, swinging their fists and running straight towards them. They are led by the two heroes. The final battle of York begins. oh and also London fell but who cares

65

The Brazilians are adaptable. They can deploy anywhere in the world like Finnish paratroopers. They can crush the enemy with an overwhelming number of advanced units like the Boer. They can advance slowly but with the strong determination of a glacier like the Inuit, like they are doing here. Perhaps this adaptability is their recipe to success. Of course, their list of tactics and strategies does not include Henry Parkes‘ 'Disappoint your supporters by never accomplishing anything meaningful despite all your great potential.”

66

Robotic legions advance in silence all across the Eastern Front. Cities fall, enemies are eliminated, progress is made, people are assimilated. It is no wonder then, that some ignorant and propaganda-fed citizens of conquered settlements think the Boer have finally come.

67

Kabul has fallen. Hrazdan has fallen. Carrolton has fallen. Morelia has fallen. Kuchum Khan does not understand. He‘s doing everything right. He builds many good-quality units in his highly productive cities and sends them to the front. He uses airplanes to weaken enemy cities and overwhelming numbers to capture them. But he‘s losing, losing one city after another. Why is he losing? What is he supposed to do? Is there anything he can do? Pedro: Nope, there‘s nothing you Khan do, Kuchum. HUEHUEHUEHUE

68

Just as Sibir robots are about to capture Khost, a squad of trollish Brazilian XCOMs lands in the city and takes it from Vietnam. Surprisingly, Senggezangbo (say that ten times again, Dawkinzz, this time make it into a song) has not fallen and its airfield remains fully operational. But further north, Lhasa is being bombarded and surrounded. The tibetans will not welcome Brazilians as liberators. To them, the green men are just the pawns of a yet another bloodthirsty autocrat. But perhaps the tibetans will be allowed to have a democratic puppet state for a while? So what, they think, because Pedro will ultimately annex them to his Global Empire anyways. Apathy reigns in Lhasa.

69

Sibirians drive Australians away from Tabriz and continue to advance towards their arch enemy, whose empty lands are ripe for the taking. Pesky soldiers from other continents keep getting in the way, though.

70

The Australian Asian exclave ceases to exist as Brazilians take Ambarchik. Further north, both Sibir and the Inuit have decent armies not too far away from each other. A battle might happen here in the near future. Wait, where did Pyongyang go?

71

no wait go back I need to know where Pyongyang went! ... Ladies and gentlemen, I think Korea nuked Pyongyang out of existence. Let that sink in for a moment, then eject air out of your noses in amusement. Anyways, Brazil continues to take cities (what a surprise) and Korea, refusing to let go of any of their beloved Japanese holdings, take back Kyoto. ‘Straya has a lot of units here though so don‘t expect these conquests to last.

72

Koreans assault the Kamchatkan peninsula but fail to capture any cities. They did manage to take Sendai, on the Kuril islands. The failure of Korea‘s offensive so far is a relief to Ekeuhnick, who now resides in Sanirajak. You know what that means.

73

Turns out my fears were not unfounded at all. Australia takes a city, Australia loses a city. Vietnam loses a city, Vietnam takes a city. Welcome to Indonesia. You won‘t enjoy your stay.

74

The bell tolls for the Boers. Djarindjin has fallen. The Brazilians are coming. Mini-Pedro will stand victorious and the Civil War will finally end. Kruger wonders where it all went wrong and prepares to give the order to erase and overwrite all his data. His memories, his personality, his dreams. They‘re all worthless now, anyways. But the end of the Boers will not come today, I‘m afraid, as apparently this is the last slide. It is time to end for this week. It has been an honour to narrate for the CBR. It‘s something I‘ve wanted to do for a long, long time. Only now, after getting experience from creating my own AARs, was I ready for this sacred task, and I hope I have done well. See you in the comments section, where I will be ready to receive all your numerous complaints, and in the subreddit, where I will shitpost occasionally. Also GET HYPED FOR CBRX BITCHES! Check out my other AARs and buy my merch, don‘t forget to like and subscribe. Please donate to my begtreon account. Bye!

Part 112: Cylinder: Total War – mk2

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