Part 13: Big Stick Syndrome

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Hey there guys! My name is TPangolin, and it‘s an absolute honour have all of you on board to witness a battle of absolutely crazy proportions. What lies ahead is a battle that will last for millenia - over 60 Civilizations, both Firaxis and Fan-Made will battle it out on the largest Earth Map available. Some areas like Europe will be a hotspot of contention, where civs will have to brutally fight against each other in order to gain that vital early-game upper hand. Other areas on the globe are much more open, but are we sure these civs will make the most of what they‘re given? Join us on a journey bathed in blood, where one nation will hopefully become victorious over 60 of their lesser global neighbours. Join us as we step into the madness that is the Official /r/civ 60+ A.I Battle Royale!

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Many thanks to u/SylonL for the latest map in a series of fantastic contributions towards this project. It’s definitely worth taking the time to examine the world in its current state, because the Wheel of Time ever spins onwards, and things will never be the same again...

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Feeling less than satisfied with the recent capture of Wahpekute (the Sioux city which boasts not only an important strategic bottleneck, but Petra), the battle-hardened Mexican generals press their leader to continue fighting, to quell the fact that the world had onced called their impressive green army ”The Siesta Fiesta”. Their leader (Benito Juarez), after scoping out potential targets fosters a deal with the Canadians to strike fear into the heart of the Texans, starting with a row of Catapults. High on syrup and subsequently life in general - Lester B. Pearson of Canada (whom until their position of “Most Powerful Nation in the World” goes away, insists on being called Lester B. Fearsome) decides he legitimately has nothing to lose agrees to the Mexican Declaration of War. Perhaps someone should tell the Canadians that their position as the most feared and powerful nation is subject to criticism, seeing as they‘ve never actually successfully invaded anywhere before. People the world over may fear the Canadian Eh-Team, but Texans are no ordinary people and they know full well that a push towards the newly acquired Canadian city of Philadelphia is more than possible.

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In the depths of his icy fortress, the ever-watchful and grand Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon ends his Appletini bender with a weary sigh. A Golden Age Party only comes around once every few millennia, and it‘s extremely hard to import Vodka from the Soviet Union without raising any suspicion from the watchful eyes of the Israelite Scouts affectionately nicknamed by Nebby himself as “The Cursed Jewluminati”.

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As Mazar-i-Sharif falls once again into Sri Lankan hands, we see the vast hordes of the Yakutian Empire enjoying vast amounts of recreational time off, as was ordered by Royal Decree. Not too far behind Australia as the second Civilization to enter the Renaissance Era, Tygyn Darkhan declares that this is a time for celebration, not warfare. Both morally, and geographically the Yakutians think they above it all.

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Meanwhile in the Pacific, an excited crew on a breakaway Caravel from the Australian Grand Wobbegong Armada break into the doors of the Captain‘s Quarters screaming “Struth Cappo! That dingo up in the mast thinks he may have spotted some land in the distance!”. The sourfaced bearded Captain gave an extremely elongated groan which can only be interpreted as “Coccio, it‘s 11AM on a bloody Sunday Morning - I‘m hungover as hell, and couldn‘t care less for what you yobbos are talking about”.

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To the north, the Arctic contingent of the Inuit Ice Sheet Fleet lead by Hayreddin Barbarossa begins to siege the Sioux City of Mawhota. Further south, the Blackfoot-Inuit alliance is strengthened with the Inuit Council of Elders deciding to send their army to assist the diminishing numbers of the Blackfoot Foot Clan. Canada proves they have no idea what they are doing when it comes to warfare after Lester B. Fearsome decided to give his army a sampler of Maple Tequila (the new alcoholic beverage created to celebrate the joint declaration of war with Mexico against Texas).

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Meanwhile in the Asian Theater, the Koreans send their Turtle Flotilla to prove that they too can slightly miff the Vietnamese. These non-important squabbles could actually be what saves the Filipinos from the capture of Cebu. It‘s not likely, but if I were Rizal (Philippines) I‘d be wanting to grasp at as many straws as I possibly could. In the Manila, the populace is starting to get uneasy, not only because of Rizal hoarding straws like it‘s a goddamn luxury resource, but because the Cham army seems poised to take Olongapo (Philippines). Tough times to be a Filipino. Meiji (Japan) watches in delight as the poor Filipinos struggle to understand why they can‘t have nice things. He watches on from his vacation house in Iloilo as he sips highest quality sake known to man - ‘God‘s Sake‘.

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Meanwhile, a Sri Lankan Pytheas decides to lead the charge against Burma in the Siege of Mandalay Bay. It‘s not going too well, but if anyone needs an esteem booster in the form of a non-eventful war - it‘s the Sri Lankans. They just want to feel like building the Statue of Zeus in Colombo was actually worth it for them (it wasn‘t).

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Under the leadership of Murat Reis (the legendary Barbary Corsair hired by Japan to fight a war halfway across the world) Cebu is crushed, captured and quarantined from any potential retakings by the nearby Manila Flotilla. With the Korean Navy blocking any potential recaptures, Meiji (Japan) can only revel in excitement. “Four God‘s Sake!” he screams to his assistant who eagerly tries to find four glasses to hold the high quality rice wine.

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Whilst other civs may have merely settled and adopted Mountains, the Tibetans were born on them. The Tibetan Yak Pack (the army sent by Tibet to take Hoa Lu) effectively take potshots at the nearby Vietnamese City of Hao Lu. The Vietnamese is now learning the effectiveness of the Turtle strategy and what happens when their army is spread way too thin.

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Despite Urho Kekkonen‘s (Finland) orders, his Siberian Expeditionary Force (spuriously named “The Top Kekks”) fail to capture the Hunnic city of Morelia. The Soviets got there first, too late to make a good “Finnish him” pun.

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The local warlords and kings struggle to maintain the foothold on their reigns down in Africa as the entire upper half of the continent is plunged into chaos. The Ayyubid strategy is perfect for feigning incompetence. As they have done before, the Ayyubids love to send small armies to cities (so they are not considered threats). Without thinking they need backup, the city owners hold down their respective forts only to be taken Chilean style up the backdoor by mounted Ayyubid units. Genius! Elsewhere, the Moroccan city of Tangier is in danger of flipping over to the Carthaginians and their former Ashanti colony of Mampong (Morocco) is under attack by the Kongolese.

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Meiji (Japan), shouldn’t let his recent captures get to his head - there is a vast world out there filled with barbarous civilizations and barbarous thoughts. With the news that Yakutia is indeed plotting against Japan, us here on the Babylonian Submarine can only wryly smile for what could potentially be the awakening of the grand Yakutian snoreyaks.

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With her escapades in Yakutia now ever, Em decides to travel to the far off lands of Sparta to see what’s going through the heads of our favourite European Aggressors.

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Warfare in the Mediterranean reaches their boiling point as Nicomedia (Armenia) is captured by a small navy of 4 Triremes dubbed by Saladin himself (Ayyubids) as the Ayyvengers. Meanwhile, the Spartans prepare for their assault on Rome and Ravenna (Rome) and not much else happens in the Nazi-Poland war.

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Hoping to get their collective shit together in the form of a rucksack, the Canadian forces muster a coherent force to invade the Sioux with. Say what you want about Sitting Bull, he’s pretty good at defending himself in the face of a spooky amount of unnecessary adversity.

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Tibetan Trade continues to flourish out of Lhasa (Tibet) whilst the Yak Pack continues to fight their version of the good fight against the tyrannical Vietnamese.

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In the mystical lands of South America, we come once again to the realisation that the continent needs a spotlight on them 24/7 as the greatest battle in the history of the world breaks out. Wait a second, I’m receiving an email... --- TO: TPangolin@gmail.com FROM: xXx_Nebby_xXx@furaffinity.net SUBJECT: Stop being such a snarky arsehole. (This email contains no content) --- ... Fine. You win this time Nebby.

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Meanwhile, Chile seems to be upgrading their military. Whether or not this is to help with their not-so-successful invasion of the Incan Empire or to prepare for a blitzkrieg on Argentina is yet to be seen. We’ll just have to wait and see for now.

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Cutting their losses and realising that Korea now has a pretty strong hold over Guangzhou (Korea), Mao strikes a deal with Sejong to end the fighting... For now. Mao currently has bigger ticket items to focus on - mainly the prevention of the destruction of his peoples from a large and imposing Vietnamese force.

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In the midst of Siberia, the frosty John D. Rockefeller makes plans to revolutionize the fuel industry around the Siberian city of Sorgit! With this new revenue generator, perhaps the esteem of the Sibir people will motivate them enough to bolster the defences of Chimgi-Tura and finally capture the Hunnic city of Mosul.

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Over in the Isles, the core Irish cities begin to grow larger, with Limerick and Dublin nearing the population of London. Meanwhile, an Icelandic Rommel enjoys his stay in Kopavogur (Iceland) and the Norwegian attempt to invade Germany falls flat once again.

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Southward, a seemingly decent amount of nothing happens for the lazy Portuguese who seems to have taken the crown off of Mexico for holding the worlds largest “Siesta Fiesta” - a celebration for a decently large military that loves doing a whole lot of nothing. Elsewhere in Europe, Napoleon remembers he’s also at war with Rome and decides to send a small contingent to help out with the faltering siege of Ravenna (Rome).

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Lester B. Fearsome enters the Renaissance era in time for a raucous Texan welcoming party planning to introduce the city of Philadelphia (Canada) into their empire. The Canadians realize that perhaps they should send some more squadrons to help Philadelphia before they get creamed like cheese.

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Still drunk off of Maple Tequila, the Mexican ‘Carnage Asada’ designed to take the city of Austin has faltered once more. Deciding that perhaps they’ll convince the Texans via reason, not force - Benito Juarez sends a religious Delegate to Houston (thinking that’s where Texan leader Sam Houston lives) to try and get him to just hand over Austin because this whole process is just getting arduous and rather tiring.

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Leonidas the Younger (Sparta) orders his Abwall Phalanx eastward to counter the threat of Armenian Citadel placements. With a solid strategy of using Pikemen as human meatshields, a simultaneous push towards both Varna and Tigranocerta (Armenia) seems more than likely. Meanwhile, the Spartan Navy (the Floating Phalanx) is under orders to be as diplomatically dickish as possible toward the Ayyubids. As they are not at war with Saladin (Ayyubids) the Spartans are forced to hold out and wait for the Armenians to capture the city before they have an excuse to capture it themselves. Leonidas loves working on these gains.

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Under the guidance of great Chief Geronimo, Sri Lanka decides to continually enforce their strategy of throwing as many units at Afghan cities as possible. No longer does Sri Lanka have an impressive carpet of units over the lower half of the Indian subcontinent, they’ve all been sent elsewhere to either drown in Mandalay Bay or gain a slight one-uppance over Afghanistan by trying for Mazar-i-Sharif.

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In the Caribbean, Henry Morgan (Buccaneers) decides to make the residents of the Argentinian city of Parana cry with a wry citadel placement around Campheche (Buccaneers). Peron (Argentina) encourages her citizens to not cry for Morgan. The truth is he never cared about diplomacy. Also he’s a dick. Elswhere, David enters the Medieval Era. Important to note that civs such as Canada, Yakutia and Australia are a full era ahead of them tech-wise.

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With news of new lands across the Pacific, Henry Parkes (Australia) declares that it’s time to upgrade his Wobbegong Armada from Triremes to Caravels with the hopes that he can find new places to Pacificfest Destiny. He then proceeds to find as many ships as possible to break bottles of booze onto as they leave from Sydney (Australia). The Maori continue to Poi and chill.

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Travelling in a fried out continent, on burning sand, head full of discontent - the Maori meet an Aussie swordsman, which makes them nervous. They take their hands and give them breakfast. The Aussies triumphantly shout “Welcome to the Land Down Under!”. The Maori Taiaha Warriors lay down their weapons and say “Chur bro, we know where we are - we’ve been here for bloody thousands of years!”.

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The Japanese Navy knows the drill by now, and their Great Admiral Murat Reis who has taught them in the ways of Filipino city capturing enjoys a fair amount of God’s Sake with his sitdown with Meiji. A Maori scout sits back and enjoys this bout of warfare, having never seen such brutal fighting before. Meanwhile, the Manilia Flotilla fails to defend Olongapo (Philippines) as it falls to the Cham in both structural integrity and population.

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It’s fair to say that the Desposate of the Union has seen better days. A measly army, and the loss of a high population city which could be potentially taken by the Texans makes Lincoln want to drink his sorrows away. In Europe, Poland and Armenia declare an inconsequential war against each other.

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True to their word, the Floating Phalanx captures Nicomedia (Armenia)! With an extremely decent military strategy - it‘ll be interesting to see if Sparta is actually successful in their storming of Asia Minor.

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The Siege of Tangier is coming to a close as it falls into the hands of the Carthaginian Pachydooms. Ahmad al-Mansur (Morocco) lives up to his nickname of Ahmad al-Manslaughter by declaring a foolhardy war on a neighbour known for their conquests in the face of adversity which cost the deaths of thousands of his civilians and soldiers. Elsewhere, Dire Dawa (Ethiopia) is in dire straits as the Ayyubids continue to lay siege tu the exclave.

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The Battle of Mandalay Bay is over as Sri Lanka declares a ceasefire with Burma. Chin-up Parakramabahu - at least you have Mazar-i-Sharif!

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Siberian and Hunnic cities are both blazing like it’s 1620 (BC). Fun note, Hawaii, Tibet, Mongolia, Poland, Burma, Mughals, Yakutia and Norway all have units in this shot!

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The Tibetan Yak Pak continue their siege of Hoa Lu (Vietnam). Unlike other civs, Tibet has opted for using a combined force of ranged and melee units to do their bidding rather than just one or the other.

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It may not seem like it, but Sweden has potential. With this Swedish declaration of War on Poland, they can eventually whittle down the Polish navy whilst the red menace is distracted by Hitler and an inevitable Spartan declaration of war. Stockholm also sits on a very decent population. It also should be noted that Sweden has a new UA for this Battle Royale: Infantry Units produce Great Generals faster when beginning next to a friendly Mounted Unit. Great Generals increase the starting Movement of adjacent Siege Units by +1 and may be used to spread your religion. After hearing the tenets of Judaism, Hitler decides to undertake Jewish ways.

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In South East Asia, the Purple Cham Navy look on track to capturing the Filipino city of Olongapo. Meanwhile, seeking revenge for their insolence, the Trung Sisters of Vietnam decide to punish Burma and bring Australia along for the fight. That is assuming that there will be a fight rather than a diplomatic middle finger.

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Nicomedia (Sparta) is Armenian once again! This three way scissors-paper-situation can most certainly be considered the new Bilma. Meanwhile, the conflicted psyche of Hitler denounces Israel. Presumably because his own worldviews doesn’t exactly clash with his newfound Jewishness. Yeah, blame everyone but yourself Hitler. That’ll solve things.

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As Em uncovers a Spartan plot to invade Israel, Jerusalem (Israel) is once again protected by the altruistic Persian expeditionary force that was sent by Darius I to protect the holy land against the Ayyubids and their Party Pope. In the south, Dire Dawa (Ethiopia) struggles to hold on for survival.

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With gains that can only make Leonidas jealous, The Ayyubids simultaneously capture Nicomedia (Armenia) and Dire Dawa (Ethiopia). Meanwhile, the Mali sends a small force to mess with the Kongolese city of Kwilu as the Kongolese army is distracted by failing to siege Mampong (Morocco).

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The Byzantines continue to look ever so cute with their wittle Civ boundaries. What’s that? You’ve entered the Medieval Era? That’s so cute!

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The Afghan-Sri Lankan war ends with no gains on either side. Sri Lanka certainly needs some time to recoup to their former military glory.

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Due to the absence of the Religion Map last time, it’s time for a small intermission in this part! It’s worth noting that the Ayyubids have a unique ability which allows them to convert any captured city to their religion (which is why they have three Islamic cities). This means if they capture Addis Ababa (Holy City of Oriental Orthodoxy) or Jerusalem (Holy City of Judaism), they will lose their Holy City status and become Islamic.

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And here you have it folks! Berlin is officially Jewish! The atheistic Kimberley are also looking dangerously close to adopting Buddhism.

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It begins! And about bloody well time too! Ireland alongside Iceland declare war against England! Ireland’s navy is nothing to be scoffed at, and whilst the English Armada isn’t overwhelming, their ground forces should be enough to hold off the island aggressors for the time being. This will be a battle of patience, and we’ll just be excited that it’s happening.

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Sparta is at war with Rome and Armenia. He’s also plotting against Israel, most likely Poland and now the Ashanti. It looks extremely close that we’ll have another contender to Vietnam’s “Screw Everyone” title. Meanwhile, Kwilu looks sent to fall to Mali.

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After a long and tenuous battle that saw the capture of Sichangu, the Blackfoot and their Foot Clan decide to call it quits with Sitting Bull (Sioux). Crowfoot (Blackfoot) is probably just happy to have a foot in each ocean. With their help at the siege of Itazipcho (Sioux) over, it’s a three way fight over dominance of the city between the Inuit, Sioux and Canada.

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Vigan falls to the Japanese! Tought times to be a Filipinbro. The good news for Philippines is that the assaults on Olongapo and Caloocan are starting to slowing down. With this in mind, Rizal (Philippines) begins to run around town helping everyone he can find to start building ships to reinforce their frontier cities.

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The Inuit show the Canadians how it’s done as the White Walker army swarms down into Sioux territory to finish the job the Blackfoot started.

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Once considered one of the weakest civilizations in the game, Korea is now rocketing through the tech tree to become the fourth civ to enter the Renaissance era. The Turtle Flotilla also can now live up to their name by building Turtle Ships! These could be potentially amazing what with their strength of 36 (compared to the caravels 20) Hellooo coastal conquests!

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The Yak Pak continue their siege of Hoa Lu. Perhaps everything is coming up Tibet!

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Another shot of South America, where although armies are in place to capture the cities of their enemies - they just can’t escape the funk that they’re in. For a continent where every civ is at war - we haven’t seen a single city capture. That’s crazy town banana pants. And yes, by now you’ve all read the top of the screen. If you’re a Canadian, the worst has happened. Condolences for the passing of thy dignity.

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Canada had the classic effect of speaking softly and carrying a big stick. Let’s not kid around, Canada had a massive stick. Their stick was the envy of the entire world. Delegates, Missionaries and Leaders the world over would read all the time about Canada’s massive stick and would travel there just to see the mighty stick itself. It was a marvellous stick. However Lester B. Fearsome got too cocky. He started speaking loudly and waving the fact that he had a massive stick around in the face of the Texans. Texans didn’t have time for this dicknishness and bit back. Canada has learnt that it‘s not about the size of your stick that counts, but how you use it. Canada now has a smaller stick, and a smaller empire. And a lot of time to think about what he’s done. Also, Ashanti seem to have gotten wind that Sparta is plotting against them and decided to give them the diplomatic middle finger.

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Kwilu (Kongo) falls to Mali! Kongo will have to think twice about settling outside their means. Not that they can - all the land is gobbled up (or soon to be by the Inuit, Yakutians or the Aussies).

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The Australians stand by and witness the fall of the Caloocan (Philippines). Meiji thinks that his day cannot get any better. That is until Murat Reis stumbles out of the bathroom of the ship he’s in wearing only of a Kimono shouting that he’s found more Sake.

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The Pirates of the Caribbean start to attract the attention of others, as can be evidenced by Brazil declaring war on them. Mind you, a South American declaration of war is basically a denouncement. They have very fragile personas down in the cloudy continent. You’d think that Pedro II (Brazil) would at least get their exploratory triremes and scouts of Buccaneer territory before doing that though. Maybe he just forgot.

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The White Walkers have proved to be firestarters by aiming to burning down as many Sioux cities as possible. Although Itazipcho was recaptured by the Sioux, I can’t imagine that the Inuit would be too worried at all about all of this. Canada may actually have a chance to capture the Sioux city now.

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Rizal leads his Manila Flotilla against the tyrannous Japanese in a rebellion, which ends in the successful capture of Caloocan! Meanwhile, the Cham declares that it’s not too worth it to take potshots at their south east Asian neighbour for now as they make peace with Rizal (presumably to bolster and upgrade their army). Burma hold the line against a potential Vietnamese invasion around Bago. The Inuit prove that they are the embodiment of the phrase “IGDAF” and burn down the Sioux city they let them recapture. Maybe this is all just an elaborate form of psychological fuckery towards Canada and the Sioux (who both really want the city).

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Varna (Armenia) is subject to the combined assault by the Eastern Abwall and Floating Phalanxes, while to the west Ravenna (Rome) looks sure to fall to the Spartans likewise. Whilst at the beginning of the game, people thought that Sparta would be faltering and squashed - at this point they are winning a war on two fronts and seem to be championing middle-out compression.

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The Top Kekks continue their heavy handed reconnaissance into Hunnic territory. They don’t seem to keen on capturing Atilla’s court, but Finnish do like to wave around their big stick. Finland also decides to take a shot at settling more tundra cities with the erection of the city of Joensuu. The Huns also look poised to capture Chimgi-Tura (but who are we kidding, they’ve looked that way for ages).

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A Burmese scout watches over the former Hunnic city of Mosul. This is pretty good news, because with the exception of Vietnam, once an AI captures their first city, they seem to get pretty good at going on the offensive.

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In one of the biggest “What in the hell” moments of this entire game - Portugal declares peace with Kongo and hands over the city of Braga to the Kongo in a goddamn peace deal! I was having a hard time remembering that they were even at war. Oh man... I cannot wait for the next edition of the Lazy Portugal Show. This just writes itself... As a sidenote, I was hovering over Portugal at the time that this happened and spit apple cider all over my screen. Then I had to Google how to clean apple cider off of my screen so that was fun.

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In another shock move, France comes from the west and snipes the city of Ravenna right from underneath the Spartans! Only time will tell if Leonidas will react with a singular “Non”.

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The weirdness snowball just continues to get weirder as the conflicted psuedo-Jewish psyche of Hitler declares war on the Jews. What a time to be alive.

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Meanwhile, in the Caribbean, The Buccaneers have another foe in the form of Argentina. The War on Piracy as was masterminded by Argentina and Brazil could be potentially interesting with Brazil sending many small fleets to capture the smaller islands of Nevis and Florida Keys (Buccaneers). I bet Henry Morgan just can’t wait to get his hands on Parana (Argentina).

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The Babylonian Spy Em confirms what we already knew - that Leonidas is jealous of Napoleon’s gains and is secretly plotting against the smugfaced Elba exilee.

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Thus we come to our close, as can be evidenced by the fact that I have just mentioned that we are coming to a close. In our first Info Addict slide, we see that Canada sits at the top of the crop with their top pop slot. A notable inclusions in the top 10 include the Maori, who seem to have taken the concept of “mateship” to a whole new level.

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Why, Rome! Why! Wherefore art thou Rome? You had the potential to be great in this game, but you fell from grace to the clusterduck of the Europe. Philippines also sits at 51, when they used to be much, much, much higher. War takes it’s toll...

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The Boers top the list for Manufactured Goods (Production), followed by the riches of the Siberia in the form of Yakutia.

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In terms of Land Area, the Inuit are in to winnuit, topping the list at an impressive 4.5 Million Square kilometers. Australia meanwhile, is the equivalent to real-life India and Yakutia is s bit larger to our reality’s Argentina.

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Predictably, Rome sits on the bottom of our list. It’ll be interesting to see if they’re the first to go though. The city of Rome seems to be a hard nut to crack, and other civs (although they have more cities) have the potential to be cut like butter.

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The Inuit top the list once more with an impressive amount of cities! More than double that of Canada who slots in at Number 10.

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With China back up in the three city club, it’ll be interesting to see if they gain more ground in the power rankings over Byzantium and other emasculated civs.

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In terms of tech, Colonialist Legacies civs take up 8/10 of them (Woo, represent!). As we’re only heading into the Renaissance era now, we’ll start to be seeing a massive shift in these tech leads as other smaller (but higher pop) cities gain access to Universities which can rocket them through the rankings. Also keep in mind that number of technologies =/= era progress. Korea is one of the four civs in the Renaissance but fails to make an entrance in the top 12.

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Predictably Rome is at the bottom once more, but it seems that Norway also couldn’t care less about scientific advancement! Also note that Carthage, whose conquests are notable and hordes of elephants are impressive has an extremely low tech count. Technologies =/= Domination Competence )as can be seen with the Philippines).

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The Australians top the world in military man power again, with a large and hefty majority of those numbers being members of the Grand Wobbegong Armada. The Inuit Ice Sheet Fleet isn’t far behind,

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There’s still plenty of room on the Babylonian submarine fleet! Currently over on /r/civbattleroyale we’re sitting at ~7,100 Subs and we’re more than happy to welcome new faces. Come and join us! Anyway, that’s all for now folks, I just wanted to thank /u/TPangolin for this opportunity to narrate! Seriously though, it’s been a fun ride so far, and I just want it to be known that b-b-b-baby you just aint seen nothing yet! Stay tuned for more editions of the Battle Royale Mk.II every Sunday and Wednesday! TPangolin out!'

Part 13: Big Stick Syndrome – mk2

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