Part 15: Gun/Boat Diplomacy – MK2

Good evening! I’m /u/senshidenshi – yes, I know, again, but there’s a reason for that. Due to some unforeseen complications with the narration (it wasn’t me I swear), the Big Boss /u/TPangolin and I are collaborating to get you your Battle Royale fix on time! As I write this, there’s about 45 minutes until launch, so don’t expect paragraphs for most of the slides like the last time I was behind the narrating wheel – wait, narrating wheel? That doesn’t make any sense! Onwards to Part 15!

As always, be sure to familiarise yourself with the current political borders with the aid of the expertly crafted work of historical cartographer /u/Sylonl! City flips by /u/thehonestyfish and city names by /u/LacsiraxAriscal!

It is said that one of the first things that a Spartan child learns to adopt is the lust for conquest and warfare. Whether or not this is true or a just cautionary tale told by a perpetually crusty old Polish man trying to instil a sense of fear and slight xenophobia in the children who frequent the public library of Poznan is completely unknown. Regardless, the same Polish children are now being told by the crinkly octogenarian that the city of Rome is in flames, and that a Portugal with a newfound sense of purpose is not going to sit back idly and just let Leonidas the Younger take a steaming dump over a once great city. Hey - his words, not mine. Meanwhile, Saladin brokers a peace treaty with Ethiopia, Finland, and Afghanistan - the latter two he forgot he was at war with and decided to formally end what was essentially a grand big diplomatic middle finger.

After her escapades in the heart of the Spartan Empire, Em and her troupe pack their respective bags and head to Moscow to see how the great bear Stalin really operates, and to learn an assortment of other things that aren’t available in the Babylonian language version of Wikipedia.

At this point it’s widely known that one does not indeed mess with Texas. Her decent, flourishing empire seems to be holding back the Mexican Army with relative ease due to their newly acquired superior technology.

Bored of just floating around the Bay of Seoul, an expeditionary wing of the Korean Turtle Armada remembered that yes - Korea is indeed at war with the Great Green Dragon. They promptly decide to sail south to join Meiji in his defence of the South China Sea.

The former Argentinian colony of Parana is securely under the control of the Buccaneers for the time being. The Pirate Patrol has matched the Argentinian forces, even the workers, and also has some galleasses near the border, just in case. The Bucs look safe, at least from Argentina, however the Brazilian crossbow carpet may change that.

Argentina and Chile look pretty well-defended, but pale in comparison to the powerful and technologically advanced Brazilian army. More notably, the Inca have managed to defeat the Chilean navy, and send their triremes off in an attempt to conquer the closest Chilean city. Well, one trireme. The rest seem to be holding back.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it may well fall in one. The last few remanets of the once mediocre Roman army cling for dear life on the beaches of West Armenia. A pikeman looms close, could this be the end? Mind you, that ballista is probably in bombarding distance from Constantinople (Sparta).

Tiridates (Armenia) and Leonidas (Sparta) kiss and make up, probably reminiscing of part pursuits and conquests. Of course, this means Varna is now in Spartan control, cutting off Tiridates’s only route to the Mediterranean. Anyway, there are more things to worry about in the gray area between Europe and Asia: the Timurids have appeared to mobilize an army through Armenian territory. Time will tell what will result of this, time will tell.

The Irish have surrounded the English city of Nottingham, Cornwall, and appear to be doing a decent job of whittling it down. Embarked Pikemen hope and pray they will live to bask in the post-conquering limelight, while also wishing one of the English bowmen would move so they could see it. Galleasses and Great Admirals are approaching from the south, however, so an Irish victory may not be in the cards. At least, not immediately.

The Timurids have settled a city in the ashes of Chimgi-Tura, finally explaining the devious plots of the sneaky settlers from earlier. The Sibir border looks undefended, however, and both Hunnic and Sibir forces appear to be nearing the city, possibly spelling the doom of the tiny, weak, and frankly offensive village.

The Zulus may have Impis, but they are yet to use them. Surrounded by the “they have a pretty big army near my borders” Kongo and the “their borders aren’t that well defended but they’ll probably kill me if I try anything” Boers, they may not get a chance to. Especially not when trade is so booming in the region, as evidenced by a singular Cargo Ship moving from the Kongolese capital to a city I don’t think I want to know how to pronounce.

The Ayyubids conquer the once-Israeli city of Bethlehem, booting the previous, Persian owners of the city out to Jericho. Their closest melee unit is a half-dead pikeman, so the boot may stay that way. Note Bethlehem is now Islamic. Also note the gigantic Arabic army which may want a bite of the city directly next to their capital.

East Asia unites against the Huns! Not that it matters at all. The Vietnamese army is looking rather advanced, with a swarm of Galleasses, Pikemen and even Longswordsmen, a rarity in the area. Vigan (Japan) is almost Vietnamese, however a massively powerful Korean Turtle Ship has entered the water, which may turn the tides. The Burmese are marching on Hanoi, however, so the Trungs may need to try their hand at defense.

Nelson is here, and working for the Buccaneers! With all the rum involved in the job, there will be plenty of it to preserve his corpse after his timely demise. See, that was a history fact. I’m teaching you things. The waters look sparse in the Caribbean, with the Pirate Patrol off fighting wars. A Mayan trireme has breached the borders Nassau, but looks unlikely to achieve anything. Also note the Hawaiian longswordsmen around the Mayan capital. An attempt at a backdoor conquer? Almost certainly not, the Hawaiians put units everywhere.

Dammit, Vietnam! Vigan was nearly dead! You had pikemen right there! RIGHT THERE! Nevertheless, there is peace between the three warlords of East Asia (remember Vietnam has two leaders), as they sit down over a glass of traditional God’s Sake. As they make small talk about how Vietnam didn’t really want Vigan that much anyway, I quietly weep.

Armenia declares war on the Huns and – holy shit, look at Virconium! The Croissant-shaped Cavaliers better known as Sibir Tartars have the city almost surrounded, but are yet to do a single point of damage. Russian knights also stroll up to Atilla’s Court. They plead for mercy – the Huns, that is.

Lester has boomsticks! The first musketmen in the Americas belong, naturally, to Canada. While they may assist in the Sioux frontier, they’ll have to shoot down a LOT of bowmen.

Leif Ericson arrives in Sri Lanka, seemingly to continue my streak of not having anything to say about Sri Lanka’s great people. Uh… hey, Leif! America’s already been discovered! Yeah, that’ll do, perfect, I’m rushed for time, shut up. Also, Sparta and Sri Lanka are now at war! Whether anything will result from this is, well, pretty obvious.

The Grand Wobbegong Armada is truly a sight to behold. Not only are the Australians the first to build frigates, they are also the first to build Privateers! Why they would want to steal anyone else’s ships is beyond me, but they are capable of it. Also note that the Maori settlement of Pukekura is currently defended by an archer and warrior. If Australia ever needs to relieve some steam, I wonder where they’ll go…

ScoutCon is still in full force in the Yakutian tundra, while the Inuit frontier cities seem extremely undefended. Yakutia also now has caravels, which should not bode well for his neighbours. As soon as Darkhan (Vol?) irons out any tiny errors in his master plan, Igloolik is doomed.

The Boers enter the Renaissance, becoming the first African civilization to do so! Their armies look advanced compared to their neighbours and they’re living mostly peacefully, leaving me little to talk about, which, considering we’re in a rush, is probably a good thing. The Boers have the best city names, though. Medicine Hat has nothing on Potchefstroom or Wolfmaransstad.

In a surprisingly relevant DOW, Hannibal has sent some triremes to assault the undefended now-Spartan city of Antium, and sent a few brave souls along with an elephant to attempt to take Sparta itself. Meanwhile, Portugal, in a drunken trance, is actually doing damage to Rome. Seeing Maria take Rome off the Spartans would truly be a majestic sight.

In a super high definition shot of the Andean coastline, O’Higgins (Chile) has managed to turn the tides against the Incans once again, pushing the naval battlegrounds far up the coast. Notably, he has left a clear path along the coast for the Incan army, but I don’t believe the Inca are in a position to take advantage of it. Will the War of Swings ever have a clear victor? Probably not.

HOLY SHIT YAKUTIA DOWS… on Leonidas. Way to ruin the excitement, Tygyn. When we said we wanted you at war, this is not what we meant.

The Inuits and Japan, ever the good sports, let us have the Kamchatkan Clash we’ve always dreamed of. If Ekeuhinck doesn’t move his units down the coast, though, Meiji has the clear advantage. Missionary beats worker, that’s a proven fact.

Persia retakes Bethlehem from the clutches of the Ayyubids, although to say the city is theirs would be a gross overexaggeration.

The Blackfoot also DOW Japan, for no apparent reason! Two triremes aren’t likely to do well against a navy Meiji could easily move up the coast, but at least these guys are being nice and letting us have a Battle for Kamchatka. Screw you, Yakutia.

Autumn falls upon Mampong, as the great Kongolese Leaf Legion covers the Moroccan exclave. While they aren’t combatting each other to my knowledge, the coverage may make it difficult for the Moroccans to spread their two pikemen out against the oncoming horde of Ashanti – yes, Ashanti – invaders. I’d say the Ashanti Army actually has a good shot here, just look at that Pikeman carpet.

Everyone’s favourite Agent Em has more juice for us today, as she reveals Stalin is plotting against the Jews! While the news wasn’t exactly noteworthy, the adventure to get there certainly was! Looking forward to Issue 3!

The Kimberley have appointed a new great general, Cao Cao! I was going to make a joke here about Hot Chocolate being a great MUSICIAN, but to be frank time is running out. Note that the Great Sandy Desert has metamorphosed into the Great Sandy Agricultural District.

As predicted, the Irish navy has been driven away from Nottingham by the British Galleasses, however the Irish ARMY have found a foothill in Cornwall! If they can hold the position it may turn the tides in favour of the Irish! I kind of feel sorry for the Norwegian scout who has to witness this.

Peace comes between the carvers of China, and Vietnam must be proud of themselves. Snagging a 13-pop city with a well-placed citadel in a strategic position doubly makes up for the abysmal failure which was Vigan. The Trungs will definitely want to build up a navy during peace-time, however, or else their new trophy will be overrun with Turtles. SEA Turtles, mind you, not the boring land kinds. I still hate you, Yakutia.

It seems nothing can go the Ashanti’s way, as the Kongo and Mali both declare war on them. And to think, this was a genuine chance at getting a city. Also note that the recent Ayyubid conquests have ALREADY forsaken Islam.

The waters on the east coast of what was once Rome are Spartan, while the waters on the west coast are Spartan in an entirely different way. Could this be Portugal’s chance to redeem themselves?

Oh boy, Agent Em has given us something to cling onto today! Stalin is apparently plotting against their ancient allies, Finland! Unlike OTHER civilizations inhabiting real-world Russia we know, the USSR may actually do something about it. Time will tell, time will tell.

Not much is going on in America at the moment. It is notable that the Sioux have cleared a path through to Charlottetown, but it’s very unlikely they’re going to be able to do anything there. Instead, they’re sending workers.

Hold the phone, Austin has almost fallen to Mexico! The Texan forces seem to be focusing mainly on the Mexican city of Puebla, but the 25-pop Texan capital is a much nicer jewel to be in position of than an 8-pop Mexican frontier city. A full-health swordsman looms at the gate, there’s no way Juarez is THIS incompetent.

Excellent citadel placement on behalf of the Blackfoot, giving them a path straight to Hunkpapa. Not many units on the border, though.

The Inuits have taken Wahpetonwan, one of the stupid Sioux snow settlements. With only trebuchets in the vicinity, it may stay that way.

The Caribbean looks nicely carpeted, and the ex-Argentinean frontier cities are decently fortified. More importantly, the Hawaiians are actually starting to look quite intimidating outside Palenque. Could this be Kamehameha’s master plan?

Mongolia has quite a few Keshiks in their army now! If they pull together and think smart, they may be able to wage war successfully! Their previous territories to the west look tempting…

Oh boy, the Philippines are about to get bombarded! With a large number of Cham triremes heading towards their ancient battleground of Olangapo, and the eldritch horror which is the Grand Wobbegong Armada barraging through their doorstep, things do not look good for the once decent Philippines. Death has knocked on Rizal’s door once more. The next step is to knock it down. Oh, and Finland is making lots of friendly friends, which is nice.

England has repelled most of the Irish troops, but Nottingham is in the red and the Gulf of Cornwall is open for Irish triremes. Will we see a capture? Every English unit in the vicinity is a ranged one!

Columbus is working for the Nazis now, I guess. It interests me that Poland and Germany have a similar mix of pikemen, spearmen and warriors. Apart from that though, I don’t have much to say on this slide, so now I’ll hand over to TPangs to narrate the second half! (Oh and he also did the first four screenshots)

After years of fighting and skirmishing, the Texan Puebla Strike Team finally push past enemy lines and take hold of the city from the clutches of the Mexican Empire. Revelling in victory, and high of spirits, the Texan pikeman congratulate everyone in their squad for a job extremely well done. In a makeshift tavern made from the debris from the storming of the mayor’s palace, a messenger on horseback bursts through where the doors once stood. The message was brief, delivered with a masked foreign accent and absolutely warranted such a spectacular entrance and the knocking over of three Texan soldiers on the way over. “Austin has fallen. Remember this day well - for we’ll need the image of our capital burning in our heads when we ride to retake it”.

Across the Atlantic, the inroads that the Irish have made in their invasion of England seems to have payed off. But at what cost? The seizure of Nottingham has cost the lives of many an Irishman, for the once grand city of Dublin now has its streets lined with the dead - not from the war directly, but from the famine that was incurred due to the lack of food from the sea that had kept them so well fed.

In an underground room far beneath the Kremlin, Stalin spits out the sharpie lid he had in his mouth as he wryly smiles. He holds up his latest creation - a large sign made from flimsy cardboard with a title that reads: “PEOPLE WHO I PLAN TO GIVE THE DIPLOMATIC MIDDLE FINGER TO”. This was then followed be a terribly drawn picture of Sejong’s face with X’s where the eyes should be.

Sparta prepares to strike fear into the hearts of the amphibious Carthiginian Green Stampede. Tasked with the capture and defence of Antium (Carthage), the Floating Phalanx begin to sharpen their pikes and ready their oars for a battle whose story will be passed down throughout the ages.

One most certainly has to admire the sheer resilience of Mao (China) and the integrity of his obscurely competent army who most certainly seemed to have learnt from their mistakes when defending their homeland against the tyrannous Trung Sisters (Vietnam). Will they manage to capture Busan (Vietnam)? Only time will tell, yo.

After hearing the news that Austin was captured, the Texan Puebla Strike Team rode south to help recapture their grand capital. The one person who did not ride south was the messenger on horseback. On a nearby hill that overlooked both Puebla and the Grand Mesa, he turned to a squad of tired Mexican swordsmen and said with a masked foreign accent and said “Puebla will be ours once more”. The captain of the squad tilted his head slightly to the right and furrowed his sweaty brow. “Yo no hablo Inglés”.

Kuchum Khan of Sibir has little to celebrate upon his entering of the renaissance era - the Huns burnt his city down, and now the damn Timurids have settled a city right next to the ruins. Still, that isn’t going to stop Kuchum from having a slice of cake. That dude loves his dessert.

On the outskirts of Ardyaloon, on an island off the coast of Kimberley New Guinea, a Kimberley Longswordsman watches as the grand Australian Wobbegong Armada ransack the Filipino city of Pangasinan. Rizal, already directing his Manila Flotilla to defend against the Champa and reinforce the city of Quezon knows that Pangasinan is essentially lost to the Aussies. He’s also aware of the power that the Wobbegong Armada has in their arsenal and he’s even more aware that the worst is most certainly yet to come.

In a war that was essentially known as “The War that Bored” to the residents of Charlottetown, the midly incompetent Lester B. Fearsome brokers a peace treaty with Sitting Bull (Sioux). The residents of Charlottetown are just pleased with the prospect of not having an entire army swarm through their streets and using their public parks for setting up tents.

Meanwhile, in the Mediterranean - Leonidas’ Floating Phalanx captures Antium (Carthage). A disheartened and wounded Carthaginian navy start to slowly move their ships and large mammalians northward to help the Portuguese sack Rome whilst they catch their breath and eat some lunch.

Now here’s a shot of the impressive heart of the Inuit empire. Although the powerful civ is only just entering the Renaissance Era, Ekeuhnick (Inuit) really knows how to build and sustain an empire struck with a terrible start. With several large population centers and an impressive navy - Inuit are most certainly hot contenders in a cold climate.

MISSING NARRATION

But perhaps Ekeuhnick (Inuit) was getting a tad too cocky with his DoW on Japan. The city of Sanirajak (Inuit) is under direct threat from the Japanese and the Inuit Ice Sheet Fleet is nowhere to be seen.

As per usual, the South American conflicts of this game remain remarkably anti-climactic with the news that Pachacuti (Inca) has made peace with his adversary Bernardo O’Higgins (Chile). Maybe, like the rest of the South American nations they were just pretending to go to war and used dummy ships to say to the rest of the world “Hey, we’re interesting too!”.

As Finland joins other technologically advanced nations by bursting through into the Renaissance - the Buccaneers on the opposite side of the world fend off a faltering Brazilian navy that was once told by Pedro II that they were all destined to sail into Port Royal with minimal opposition after crippling the black sails of the the Buccaneer Navy. I guess they all let it get to their heads. Oh yeah, the Brazilians and Inca are still at war if any of you had forgotten about that. If you can still call it a war I guess.

A proud Caravel sails into the Pangasinan harbour with minimal opposition as her Captain says to his crew “Men, have you ever... Ever felt like this?” as he gazes off into the distance to see the rest of the Wobbegong Armada go around the twisting islands of the Australian controlled archipelago.

In a shack on the outskirts of Moscow, an informant to the Babylonian Spy Em delivers his next piece of vital intelligence- a badly drawn sharpied picture of Alexios I Komnenos next to a badly drawn picture of Stalin flipping him the bird.

Say what you want about the warrior nation that lies across the Tasman, but the sizes of the population centers are absolutely nothing to be scoffed at. There are apparently more people living and thriving in the economic hub of Parihaka than the home port of the Wobbegong Armada (Sydney).

Knowing that the Aussie navy is around the corner, Rizal ends his diplomatic middle finger to Kamehameha (Hawaii). Better be safe than sorry - and a Hawaiian city snipe can only add insult to what is already proving to be quite the hypothetical injury.

Parkes declares that he’s a man of peace when it comes to Burma as the Indochinese nation storms the former Champa (but currently Vietnamese) city of Vijaya.

Elizabeth isn’t giving up just yet. An envoy of embarked English Horseman backed by an auspicious wind sneakily sails to Nottingham with high hopes of recapturing their former territory.

Afghanistan joins the Finnish, Sibir and Inuit as the new entrants to the Renaissance era. Meanwhile, Akbar (The Mughals) continues his favourite pastime - trying to find new ways of being productive at the art of doing nothing.

Rizals slowly rummages around his office to see if he can find any paracetemol, only to be dismayed that it hasn’t been invented yet. He’ll no doubt be needing some sort of painkiller to ease the pain after hearing the news that Quezon is bleeding.

After an insane amount of fighting and a terrible loss of life, Texas has emerged phoenix-like from the ashes of Austin and has made the best out of a bad situation by successfully repelling the Mexican Army. With no melee units anywhere in the area, the Mexicans have no choice but to essentially concede Puebla - much to the chagrin of that one messenger on horseback.

Mao’s army fails to make any inroads against Vietnam, but his Red Army is doing a decent job at making a great wall made from people designed to stop any Vietnam aggression.

It’s hard to cheer up Lester B. Pearson (Canada) these days - not even the news that a new great Voyageur has arrived in town. Instead he publicly blames the Sioux for spooking the Canadian Army into pseudo-submission with their ghostly music and dancing.

And thus we come to an end! The Israelites remain top dog on the religious front with an impressive 76 Cities declaring Judaism as their favourite religion. News from Em also tells us that she’s now in possession of another original Stalin piece - a badly drawn picture, this time of the Burmese leader Anawrahata.

Oriental Orthodoxy, covering most of Africa still has the potential to slip into Europe via the Pillars of Hercules to contend with Judaism. The religion also has the potential to spread it’s tenets to the mystical lands of South America by ways of it’s religious pressure spreading across the Atlantic.

Australia takes it’s lead over the rest in terms of population with an impressive 30.7 Million residents. A notable omission from this list is the Texans, whose population has taken a dive since the capture and recapturing due to the war with the Mexicans.

An emasculated Byzantium rounds our list as having the smallest population of any nation on earth.

Australia also tops this list, with the worlds largest navy! Surely the Philippines is about to hear the thunder from Down Under. The Inuit Ice Sheet Fleet follows closely behind in numbers.

The Roman exiles of Armenia round out our list of Military Manpower. Who knows how long these Romans will travel around the Armenian countryside.

The Inuit have Australia beat when it comes to total number of cities. A notable inclusion in the top 5 here are the Buccaneers, who seem to be finding as many islands as possible for them to settle their cities on. #Arrlmao

Byzantium, yet again are at the bottom of our list. Whether you’re East or West Rome - it seems that Romans just can’t catch a break.

Australia is also in the lead over Yakutia here as well. Korea is also moving up the tech list, being only 4 techs behind the tech leader.

Yet not another example of the famous Roman backwardness.

Finally, we have our list of who’s built the most impressive stuff. The Kimberley and Yakutia top this list, followed by Mexico and Canada! Thanks for joining us this time around! Remember to check out /r/civbattleroyale for heaps of new content!