Part 18: : Goodnight, Sweet Prince

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Hello folks! Welcome to another delicious installment of the r/civ Battle Royale Mk. II! I’m u/electricviking78, and you’ll probably remember me from...well, probably nowhere. But at least I’m super qualified to write about Civ V as a...fairly mediocre player of the game, all told. I have a background in history, some minor publications on East Asian politics, and thought I’d have a crack at writing up some of what my former colleagues would call “counterfactual” history. I don’t intend to fictionalize or dress up the events depicted herein too much, as I’m not the most creative fellow. I’ll just call ‘em as I see ‘em. (You might know me from my involvement with the Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run, an event born on the GB forums which has raised thousands of dollars for a few charities over the years. There’s definitely footage of me playing Phantasy Star II in a mesh tanktop...for money…) I was handed a doozy of a slideshow by the great TPangolin, so let’s get this show rolling! And remember, if you’d like to take part in the Polandball comics, HYPETRAINS, and other side games that this Battle Royale hath wrought, drop on by r/civbattleroyale and join in the scrum!

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Before we get going, have a look at this handy map assembled by u/SylonL. Very little left to claim in the world. That stretch of land between modern Panama and Columbia sticks out to me. Fun fact: There is no road that runs across that border, the single missing link which prevents an amazing transcontinental road trip from Barrow, Alaska to Tierra del Fuego. Cities by /u/LacsiraxAriscal! Animated Gif progress can be found here! - http://i.imgur.com/6knrxct.gif

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To kick things off, we drop by the Caribbean to check on the progress of Brazil’s naval expedition against the Buccaneer holdings of Henry Morgan. And what have we here? The Argies have formed an impromptu picket around Cartagena! Perhaps not the most necessary trireme shield against Pedro’s damaged flotilla, as (per the side bar) the Bucs and BRBRBRs have called off the fighting for now. Pure stalemate action, minus the brief flip of the city. Also to the right, Sam Houston of Texas has developed an appetite for buffalo once again, and the Moroccans decide that they’ve grown tired of kicking the Ashanti while they are down.

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To the Ivory Coast of Africa, where Osei Tutu I of the Ashanti is hopefully spending time with his loved ones. He is surely not long for this world. With that most recent Kongo fortress placement to the southeast, the impromptu capital city of Denkyira is in a vice grip. Vulnerable from land and sea and lacking any navy (beyond some useless trade ships), all that remains is for the Mali Empire to kick in the door.

5

Flyover Country of the IRL USA, where war has broken out once more. Texas chose a fine time to strike against the Sioux. Sitting Bull’s forces are oriented primarily against Blackfoot aggression to the northwest. Sisseton and Oglala in particular look ripe for the picking. Time to put those muskets to good use! Speaking of soft, exposed underbellies of North American civilizations, look at the Texas-United States border. Lincoln might stand a chance to grab a big fat Dallas, or even his own Philadelphia, if he were to stick the knife into Houston’s back. Instead, he marches his ho hum army across the continent to serve the ends of his Texan neighbors. Does he know teams are off? Also note that Bernardo O’Higgins, possessor of the dopest name of all civ leaders, has entered a more enlightened era.

6

And what do you know, here’s the seat of the Chilean Empire from which O’Higgins...turtles, basically. His open border deal with the Argentinian civilization is a two way arrangement, judging by the token trireme that Eva Peron has sent around the Cape. I long for the day when a South American civilization is able to realize their own breakout potential and transform the continent into one worth more than the occasional drop in to satisfy the Sulamerica skeptics. Who’s going to tire of the status quo first?

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On the other side of the Pacific, things have gone from bad to worse for the Philippines. Their ground forces have dissolved, and the Wollongong Armada of Henry Parkes (Australia) has sliced through its eastern island holdings like a hot knife through butter. Meiji Japan have pushed them in from the north, and now the Champa and Australians fight for Rizal’s southern half. Meanwhile, the Sisters Trung of Vietnam watch and wait. Some powerful civilizations are going to be sharing borders in the near future.

08

A closer view of the Champa siege of Davao. The mountains provide some decent natural defenses here, but there’s plenty of room for naval action on the city and the Cham UU (a trebuchet replacement with no setup before siege but a smaller bonus against cities) is being used to some effect. Remember when these guys were written off after losing Vijaya early on? Nice to see them not only surviving but even flourishing in their corner of the world. Maybe they’ll get ambitious and take the fight to Indonesians? I am fond of that wonderful purple color scheme.

09

To modern day Namibia we fly, where Shaka Zulu has woken up and realized he is not only playing Civilization V, but that he must actually take capital cities to win. To that end, he’s chosen to throw his unique Impi infantry against the extreme southern Kongo city of Nkuna. He’d have benefitted from some siege equipment. Or hell, a ranged unit. Three melee units and some triremes might be enough to capture the city of Nzinga was willing to take it lying down. However, we’re talking about a surprisingly tenacious AI here who has held its own in sub-Saharan Africa. See her defense force moving south to relieve the single composite bow garrisoned in town. Having the Zulu bordering your capital is not a position any player would envy.

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Meanwhile, in the eastern Mediterranean, the city of Varna lies defenseless with Israeli pikeman and the Ayyubid navy in position to rip the city from the exquisitely sculpted but perilously extended grasp of one Leonidas of Sparta. The city won’t be much of a prize after the population drop (and even less so once it flips again), but it would represent a major loss for the current top dog of Europe. Spartan aggression was once something to behold, but Leo seems to have run out of soft targets and will need to push himself ever harder for new gains. (Also, this is Rome’s best chance to get back in the game. GO LEGION GO!)

11

To the British Isles where...goddamn it, I can’t stop laughing at this shit. Malachy, you’re a fucking dick! Look at that! It’s the most passive aggressive display to date in a game full of shenanigans. The Irish will leap from battlement to battlement, from the walls of conquered Nottingham to the Tower of London! No Irishmen shall touch the ground! Sure, the English Longbowmen are now in play (see them around York), but this has broken Elizabeth’s back on the home islands. See also, the Nazi naval forces look like they could put Napoleon’s navy in the ground...erm, seabed...with a focused effort. Is Hitler dreaming of taking back Cologne? It might not launch Germany into contention for the Battle Royale, but it would mark a return to something like relevancy. Not a lot of other targets nearby as ill defended.

12

Next stop, the Horn of Africa. The Arab Empire has assembled a respectable army for a mid-sized civilization. The orientation of those catapults would have me somewhat concerned if I were a Persian colonist set up in Baghdad. A wall of triremes blocks the way against a not-so-menacing Ethiopia, and it appears that the Ayyubids are counting on workers to defend their southeastern border.

13

Oh jeez, hope you’ve flipped your Poland stocks while the getting was good. Their remote colony of Gdansk was destined to fall to a Scandinavian power, but now the ever masterful Urho Kekkonen of Finland has enlisted the moral support of Arabia against Casimir as well. I’d say the odds of a Polish city surrendered to Harun al-Rashid are 3 to 1. Any takers? (See also, the Blackfoot get in on this Renaissance Era action)

14

The Top Kekks were wise to strike now. The Soviet Union has expressed about, oh I dunno, about seven fortresses worth of interest in taking Poznan off of Casimir’s hands, and Poland is still defending its borders with spearmen. Spears! In an age where armies field cannon and musket, Poland fields weapons you’d find in ancient ruins. Get it together! (And don’t think I notice you, Norwegian archer! Someone get this guy a crossbow for pete’s sake [not to be confused with God’s Sake]). On the other hand, potential Finnish dreams of sniping Gdansk go unrealized as the Swedish army kicks down the door. Farther afield, Spartan Varna has at least temporarily fallen to Israelite martial prowess.

15

A better view of Scandinavia and the Baltic Sea. Is that yet another archer, Norway? What the hell are you doing? (I propose a fun new game, Bow Watch, wherein we name and shame every bow wielding unit in the game henceforth. Crossbows have been present for several parts now. Knowledge of gunpowder is becoming common throughout the world. Archers at this point have been around for two hundred turns or more. Time to move on.)

16

The Great Anatolian Clusterfuck continues unabated, now with 20% more Israelite! Sparta is in good position to push back King David’s only melee unit in the immediate area, but he will be winning back a depopulated pile of rubble. One wonders if such cities are worth the losses incurred to take them. Yet here we are, watching a computer use math to fight other math in an effort to make bigger numbers. Little do we care of how those numbers translate into the bloodletting of untold and unnamed millions. We need effluence splattered all over our screens to feel anything at all. But hey, at least Australia and Mexico are able to pal it up over some cheap beers, right?

17

Oh, right, Parkes is still a bloodthirsty tyrant out to grind the bones of his enemies to dust, to reduce their cities to ashes, and to carry off their possessions to his penal colony/throneroom. As evidence, see his peerless Wollongong Fleet devour Jose Rizal’s southern half. See those two Philippine pikemen? Those are the last melee units Rizal has available to him. His final trireme is about to be sunk in the Davao harbor. This is no longer survivable. Manila is a turn or two from being reduced to a city-state. Fun fact: The Aussies friend, Mexico, carried out such a substantial trade in silver with its joint Spanish colonial holdings in the Philippines during the 16th century that the precious metal was used as ballast for ships.

18

To lighten the mood, let’s have a look at… Oh. Oh no. It’s time we said goodbye to the Ashanti, because Osei Tutu I’s life support has been pulled. Can’t say he isn’t trying though, look at that unit of pikes posted up in the fortress northwest of Denkyira. From the maw of oblivion, he stabs at Mansa Musa and the Malian forces that vex him. The numbers don’t lie though, and they spell disaster for Osei in spite of the sacrifices he has made in his defense. Even if they beat back Mali by land, the city is completely exposed on the southern shore. This must be curtains for the Ashanti. (Scott Steiner references. I love ‘em!)

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Western Europe, where France has enlisted the help of General de Perignon to likely place a dickhole fortress on Leonidas’ Roman doorstep. The Eternal City is current guarded by a composite bowmen, and by god it looks like Maria the Mad has made a go of taking the former capital by sea. With zero support in the area, all she’s really done is make it a cakewalk for Napoleon to capture Rome for his own ill aims, should he choose. Then again, Bonaparte’s closest melee unit is a warrior. For those just joining in, that’s a unit the game gives you for free, as a reward for hitting the “New Game” button. Norway’s archers are menacing by comparison. Also note, Israel has made friends with the preeminent power in central Asia.

20

Back to the Midwest, where the Texan forces have coiled up around Sisseton like a rattlesnake (who don’t really wrap and strangle their victims, but prefer to bite them instead, so the metaphor is broken but whatever). Sioux longswords and pikes clash with musket-armed militia and while they are not crumpling, the math is all on Houston’s side. Seems like Lincoln’s army is really just a tourist group, visiting former American cities lost or given away to civilizations who don’t suck ass at being civilizations. Meanwhile, Philadelphia and Dallas are completely undefended and Texas is all in on invading the Sioux. Unfortunately, Honest Abe doesn’t have it in him to betray his future conqueror.

21

The siege of Nkuna is not going as planned for ol’ Shaka. Nzinga has relieved the city by sea, and the Impi Carpet of DoomTM has gone and gotten itself fairly bloodied. Paul Kruger, the Boers head man and erstwhile friend of the Zulus (until he wipes the floor with them) is totally chill with a horde of Impi using his couch to heal up before returning to the front. With the help of an expatriate Mongolian general, the Zulus will need to step up their game. Maybe a passive aggressive citadel placement will raise the army’s spirits?

22

Sure enough, Leonidas of Sparta has retaken the ashes of Varna. As if his day couldn’t get any worse, that damned Portuguese ship has taken Rome into the red. It’s the game Leo has chosen to play, taking two capitals in a crowded neighborhood. The Spartans needs to find themselves some breathing room to rebuild before attempting to take on half of Eurasia solo. Maybe even attempt to make one of those...what’s the word… oh, right, “friends”.

23

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the new and improved Philippine civilization! We’ve trimmed down all of the fat, ditched all of those pesky cities, and eliminated the bulk of that wasteful military. Now Manila will run on a shoestring budget, and seeing as they’ve peaced out with that nice fellow Henry Parkes (who’s a real charmer if you don’t mind the pieces of Filipino children stuck in his teeth or the hooks where hands ought to be), the future looks bright for Rizal! Ten turns of peace with Parkes, Terror of the Pacific, is just a doomsday clock for the Philippines (which is really just the Philippine now, being comprised of one city), who still have the Champa and Vietnamese breathing down their neck and the Hattori Hanzo-forged sword of the Meiji held above it.

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I live in Blackfoot country so have cast my lot with them (going by places I’ve lived, I’m also down for Hawaiian or Texan hegemony as well). As such, this slide bums me out. We’ve been nothing but the best of pals to the Inuit, and they can’t find it in their hearts to liberate Sikutsihmaik for us? Instead it becomes fodder for the ongoing Qamchatqa War between themselves and the Meiji, and the biggest loser in the region is likely to be the Blackfoot. As always, the Yakuts remain the unknown force of Northeast Asia. They’ve assembled a respectable navy in the Sea of Okhotsk, and they may even find room on the peninsula or the island of Sakhalin to plop down yet another city. If they don’t mind themselves, the Snoryaks may wind up having war brought to them by their more proactive neighbors. The Meiji seem not overly fond of encroachment.

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Good gawd almighty, we got ourselves a base race! Incredibly, we now have two capital cities swirling the drain. Are we about to have ourselves our first twofer round? The Vietnamese could sail into Manila harbor and straight into history by taking their first capital (something they have not yet done, despite their early successes), but to risk provoking their neighbors? The Champa have enlisted Zhuge Liang straight out of the most recent Dynasty Warriors game in preparation. While looking over the Cham realm, have a gander at the nice free city the Sisters Trung were able to wrangle from the Burmese for the low, low cost of not a damn thing. That’s a breadbasket city which provides handy land access to the canal city of Mandalay, and from there the Bay of Bengal. Rangoon might have some fantastic mountain defenses, but I’d say at this point the best the Burmese can hope for is the continued influence of their Buddhist faith on the people of Oceania. They can join the likes of the Mughals in the great Bay of Turtle Soup.

26

Elizabeth, Queen of the England, has decided to leverage a Great Person unit in an attempt to steal land from her regional foes. Unfortunately, she forgot that she was playing Civ V, and that Great Artists no longer culture bomb like they did in Civ IV. Wasn’t that a silly mechanic? On the upside, English naval power could do a number on France’s outmoded Channel fleet. Maybe a little collaborative effort with the ironically Jewish Nazi regime to the east is in order?

27

A quick drop in on the Maori home islands, where their shipyards have begun to produce galleases. After a quick glance across the water to their rabid Australian neighbors, I’ve some free advice: build more of those, quickly.

28

The Trung Sisters have assembled themselves an army for taking cities from the inexplicably still alive Mao Zedong. China has quite the panoply for forces arrayed around its borders (including Korean muskets just south of Guangzhou), and Vietnam’s might be the least frightening. I say this because Tibet has the forces to chomp down on Hoa Lu at any instant, whereas Vietnam seems more concerned with the mountainous stronghold of Beijing. (As an aside, I like Vietnam’s odds of being in contention for a long time. Beyond the Trungs’ inexplicable knack for winning cities through diplomacy, any opponents will have to track through a fairly large empire with natural defenses throughout in order to snuff out the Vietnamese. Furthermore, their UU comes fairly late and is oriented primarily towards insurgent, defensive style fighting. They might not win, but they sure as hell aren’t going anywhere.)

29

I sure hope Kekkonen knows what he is doing, as he has placed the defense of the Finnish East in the hands of...workers. Lots of them. I suppose Urho feels comfortable in believing the Huns have been put in their place, and willing to trust Joseph by god Stalin enough to leave his borders oh so lightly defended. Relatedly, now that the trans-Baltic conflict between Poland and Sweden has been called off (with Gdansk having traded hands), Casimir III will be able to focus more attention eastward.

30

A glance at the Baltic region, perhaps thinner of ships than it was in the past. The Polish navy is into galleas construction, while the Swedes and Finns prefer increasingly ancient triremes. Speaking of ancient units, I spy archers from Norway and France, spearmen from Poland and France, and a Byzantine warrior in this frame. The tech spread of this game, plus the cruel fate of strategic resource distribution, is manifesting itself in increasingly stark terms as the world lurches into the Renaissance. (I still cannot get over the citadels here. Poznan, Minsk, and Nicaea are glued together with Soviet GG spam.)

31

The Siege of Nkuna continues, with Nzinga relieving the city by sea. The Zulu have brought zero siege equipment to this fight, and progress is slow. Shaka is also attempting to keep his border with the Boers guarded, holding off Impi in reserve. They’ve retained a warrior from times past, perhaps in solidarity with Byzantium. Kruger’s Boer Empire has adopted the musket in full force. If they were looking to test them out on a neighbor, I’d recommend Ethiopia. Sure, they’ve just peaced out of a nothing war with Sparta, but their southern border is defended by a worker, a Great Prophet, and a composite bowman or two.

32

Time to say goodbye to Osei Tutu, folks. The desperate pikeman line has held admirably, but it’s just too little, too late. At this point, the real question is who will take the city. In range are plenty of Mali units, but the Moroccan navy has something of history in sniping Ashanti coastal cities, and the Kongo have melee capacity in the vicinity. There’s also...oh for fuck’s sake, Maria? Is that a Portuguese scout? You know what, screw it. Let Portugal snipe the city. Burn this thing to the ground.

33

At the northern end of the Sahara, the Malian city of Kongo Dia Nlaza isn’t even in the red, it’s straight up in the black. Saladin’s got melee in range to take it, hurry before Maria gets any ideas She’s got another scout RIGHT THERE! In the Indian Ocean, the Sri Lankans buddy up with Kruger’s Boers and tell Butcher Parkes of Australia to piss up a rope. I have thoughts on Australia. Won’t you kindly continue reading to see them?

34

Recall in BR Mk.I, when O’Higgins of Chile pulled off the first major transcontinental play of the ill fated game? The Buccaneers have always had potential to pull off a similar maneuver, and here we see them scouting out the uncolonized Azores Isle. Portugal is willing to piss away units against Rome, cede core cities to rulers on the other side of the equator who she has never seen nor even likely heard of...and fails to place cities in her own back yard? For shame. Anyway, Henry Morgan is also likely a loser here, as France has a settler up north with few other places to plop him. In sidebar news, the Ayyyyyyyubids and Persians kiss and make up, and Sweden gains an appetite for Hamburg.

35

WAR ON THE CONTINENT! The French and Germans square off once again. France has units on the outskirts of Berlin, in the sense that a damp piece of paper is a deadly weapon. I would say this fight is very roughly even, though the stakes for Hitler are quite a bit higher. Getting Cologne back here is an absolute minimum goal. The city is looking quite bristly on land, but the French navy is a bit scrawny. In surveying this screenshot, one can appreciate the wisdom of building yourself some damn walls. Berlin is one of the highest defense rated cities in Europe, while the Spartan border cities are nearly half that base defense value. And speaking of appearing thin, I sure as hell hope Leonidas is working on his gains or whatever at home. He’s got himself an army to rebuild something fierce.

36

Sisseton falls to Sam Houston’s Texans (Get it? American football! People like that!), but the Sioux look able to flip it back if they push. I don’t see Sitting Bull doing much against a primarily musket-based force at this point, and he’ll need to hit the damn books soon if he wants to even survive in North America, much less reclaim lost cities. The Texan border moves perilously close to Hunkpapa, now vulnerable on two fronts thanks to earlier Blackfoot conquests.

37

Sitting Bull seems more invested in snipping at Crowfoot’s northern settlements. They’ve gotten Ipoksimaik into that greenish-yellow range and have the trebuchet punching power to finish it off. If they can hold it and make short work of the 17 defense Kutaiimik, they’ll be able to cut off two Blackfoot cities to the northeast. Naturally, the Blackfoot will instead move a few pikes to the gates of Hunkpapa and Sitting Bull will surrender Sihasapa without a drop of blood spilled. Gotta love the AI’s penchant for handing over cities on a silver platter. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

38

In an effort to make me even more upset, TPang now forces me to watch a rightfully Blackfoot city, “liberated” by our Inuit “friends”, flip red under the Meiji fist. Now reduced to a pop-1 useless rock, I don’t know if we should be in hurry to have it back. That Ice Sheet Fleet is looking fine, at least. Should it be mobilized in full force, the Kamchatka might wind up with a slightly hard to read color scheme (that white on light blue throws me off). Also in frame, I think the Yakut settler has moved a tile. Excitement!

39

Back to the game, where Sibir has done well in the early laning phase. They’ve pushed out top and mid, and are getting some nice picks here for a clear early lead. China is a solo jungle in bot. (I don’t know how to Dota. Shadow Shaman? That exists, right?) Shahrisabz and Multan have been taken well into the red, and the Siberians are holding most of their forces in reserve across the border. Coupled with the loss of Lahore, I hope you’ve sold off your Timurid stocks.

40

Just why Mao has chosen to use Sir Thomas Rowe as a scout in central Asia, we may never know. Perhaps as a “show” of “force”, alongside that goddamn spearman outside of Old Sarai? FOR SHAME.

41

Hey guys, it’s South America! The Chilean-Argentine Open Border Zone is probably a wonderful thing if you’re like Sir Thomas Roe, or maybe even a caravan driver. We are not here to watch a free trade exhibit, however, and it would be nice to see Eva Peron act a little upset about losing out on Patagonia. She’s got a few galleases to her name, but when Bernardo gets his UU naval units online they might not make much difference.

42

The Machu-Fortaleza border remains an ancient stalemate. The war between Brazil and Peru has gone on for literal ages. Rumor has it the war is still going on somewhere in the Amazon rainforest today, with Pedro and Pachacuti staring intently at each other to constitute the fighting. I count three visible units of spearman on the Incan side. That’s an embarrassment. At least Kamehameha seems a little ashamed of his own outmoded soldiers, choosing to exile the Hawaiian spearmen across the Pacific Ocean. See also, a Finnish scout grows board of vodka and samples a little of Captain Morgan’s rum in Campeche.

43

As expected, Ipoksimaik goes to the Sioux. Crowfoot’s got a grip of melee just west of town on the outskirts of Kainaa, while Sitting Bull is left to hold the city with a decimated longsword and some trebs. Looks like Blackfoot Territory may continue to stretch from the Aleutians to the Hudson Bay. Huzzah!

44

Across the Atlantic, Kongo Dia Nlaza falls and...converts? TO ISLAM? Holy shit folks, Cairo is also sporting a crescent moon! PARTY POPE RESTORATION OF 1170 IN FULL EFFECT! So much for writing off the religion as dead. It faces absolutely overwhelming competition from two neighbors, sure, but who saw this coming so quickly? I mean, it‘s very easy to just pretend that this all isn‘t quite an impressive part of the Ayyubid UA.

45

All-seeing TPang, sensing I’d be all excited and happy about Islam’s resurgence, elected to pan south to reveal the death throes of the Ashanti. They’ve circled the wagons now. My only worry is that the pikes are not going to go down with the ship, and wind up listlessly roaming the earth like a certain legion and ballista pair in Anatolia. Looks like Mansa is most likely to just ram a trireme into Denkyira to perform the killing blow. It is the end.

46

While a distant, affirming voice informs us all that Sikutsipmaik has flipped yet again, we peer further south to the continuing Siege of Nkuna. Shaka has committed a great deal of resources to this operation, but Nzinga ain’t having it. The Zulu have limited options to get back into this game, and the alternative (punching way above their weight with the Boers) is tantamount to suicide.

47

Persia starts one of those classic “me too” wars with the Timurids. Timur his hands full with Siberian and Afghani invasions at present, but he’s managed to convince a nearby mountain range to aid in the defense of Ghazni. The Bowling Ball Empire would likely be more concerned by this DoW, frankly, if Persia weren’t the one making it. Beyond the Oxus, Genghis Khan tells the Trung Sisters to go fly a kite.

48

The Mughals come back from a lengthy AFK period, and come out swinging. Having not played since the Philippines were relevant, he was thrilled to accept their Declaration of Friendship. Not done there, he even got an agreement from Korea to be besties! Fine play by a former dark horse candidate for taking this entire Battle Royale. Who wants to get their hands dirty in a domination game anyway? The Black Sea and Anatolia, where Sparta continues his struggle to maintain what gains he has made. Leonidas is looking pretty darn thin here, and Poland’s military advisor ought to inform Casimir that he’s not sure if the Spartans have a military at all. Corinth and Adrianople are empty, and there’s not exactly a world beating selection of troops between there and Constantinople. Poland, get in there! And so help me, if I see another spearman on your border, I will kick you right in your goddamns shin.

49

Manila is no longer actively taking shots, ending any chance that the Ashanti might lose out in their race to extinction. Still, the last cards Rizal, ruler of the Pearl of the Orient, has left to play are two composite bows, a trireme, and a Great Admiral. How long will the Philippine city-state be left to limp its way through time?

50

Ipoksimaik is now an empty shell, but that shell is Blackfoot once again. Sitting Bull can throw all the rocks he wants at the ruins, but he’s got no melee in range. I think the Buffs have the stuff, and luckily the girls can’t get enough because they’re gonna need to repopulate that sucker. (WCW references. I love ‘em!) China and the Huns end their differences. No cities surrendered (worth noting, I figure).

51

NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR STUPID BOATS TPANG. TAKE US TO DENKYIRA NOW. (I suppose they have lurched a little closer to the Maori capital)

52

Oh no. Oh no… They left those poor pikeman bastards alive. The monsters. They didn’t even have the decency to put them in the ground with any hopes the Ashanti had left of surviving. To add to this insult, as their original capital was plucked from them by the conniving Moorish navy, we don’t even get the little “capital was captured” emblem in the notification area. It is an ignoble end, one that isn’t even complete. In some sense Rome is still “in” the game, and the Ashanti have joined them in limbo. Osei Tutu, first of his name, was a newcomer and relatively unknown quantity in this Battle Royale. At the outset, I was interested to see how he would be able to leverage his UU as a potential death carpet to be cast over West Africa. We see the results now. Two weaker units, flanking bonuses and all, were not worth the hammers it took to build them. I sincerely hope that Great General throws down a citadel right on that hill, and the remains of the Ashanti can rip that city back from Mansa Musa’s hands one final time. Make yourselves immortal, fellas. The rest of us will pour one out for Osei, and the dead dreams of the Ashanti.

53

Agent Em tries to lighten the mood by reminding us that, forty some odd turns ago, even Leonidas was planning on getting rid of Osei Tutu sooner or later. It does not lighten the mood. Maybe she should get her act together and send us a report, which she hasn’t done in eight turns now.

54

Benito Juarez has led Mexico into the bold new age of Renaissance thought in the Americas. Far south of Ciudad Juarez, it looks like the Brazilian crossbow gambit is about to lose its shine. Behold, Evita has brought gunpowder to the Argentine military! They’ve not got the numbers to impress the Brazilians, but it’s a damn sight better than the spears that Pachacuti keeps outside of Vilcabamba for old time’s sake (not to be confused with Pete’s Sake).

55

Mansa Musa’s empire, having lost one city and gained another during this episode. (Aside: The entire “west side” Mansa thing rubs me the wrong way. Mansa Musa was one of the most powerful and influential African figures in the whole of history. He was so loaded that when he went on his hajj, he spent so much money in Cairo that he triggered a currency crisis and decreased the price of gold in the region. His importance in West African history is forgotten primarily because most education contextualize the region solely in terms of the slave trade, and frankly a good deal of the bias comes from that history having been written by a bunch of white men like myself. I understand that we’re all funnin’ here, but reducing one of a handful of significant black figures in human history to a thug stereotype is not only lazy, but also a little distasteful. Let’s have less of that, okay?) ...Whoa there, new turn, guys! And what’s this, the Ashanti pikes are digging in around Denkyira! Push, pikemen!

56

Uffda, Sparta is buckling under the weight of its own realm. Maria seems to have been dissuaded (read: sunk) from capturing Rome, but the city is in a position where a warrior could take it...and it so happens that Napoleon could prove this theory. In the northeast, even Byzantium looks like a threat. A mild threat. TPang‘s note: For some reason I feel really compelled to start watching Fargo Season 2

57

U WUT M8 What? How? Seriously, I do not understand. Has that legion been studying at an Armenian yeshiva? Did they scrap one of the ballistas to build an abacus? Are they digging through refuse bins for old textbooks? EXPLAIN THIS SHIT. In other incredulous news, the Maori start one of those classic “I can’t believe it’s not a real war” style war with the Timurids. Timur is sweating bullets over that one, I assure you.

58

Iceland joins the Americas in a more enlightened age. Old Ingolfur’s city count is impressive, but look closer. Some real bangers there in Greenland like Njardvik and Selfoss (single population both), and Akranes only has usable tiles thanks to the coast. Remember the Iroquois from an earlier Battle Royale, and their patented Greenland Copper Diet? Iceland is a few bad wars from a similar fate, and is wisely arraying the bulk of their forces at their extreme borders to prevent this.

59

The Ice Sheet Fleet rolls across the Bering Strait and takes that which was stolen from them by the Meiji. Look out though, as it looks like the Japanese are introducing ground forces to this conflict. The Inuit are not in a position to fight a land war in the area as of now, and will need to land those pikes quickly. Did that Yakut settler move? I lost track, as merely glancing to the top left of this slide knocked me out cold for a few hours. Their cannon outside of Russkoye Ustye is very impressive, sure, but what good is a tool like that if you never use it?

60

Back to the Buffalo War, currently at a standstill. The Sioux are beset on two borders but are tough bastards, and the Blackfoot are not in a position to gain much from continuing this war. On the other hand though, there’s practically nobody at home on the Inuit border. With some siege equipment, Crowfoot could have himself a city or two in very short order if he were to betray one of the most respected and highly regarded forces in the entire game. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Signing on with Australia is a nice get, at least.

61

Speak of the devils themselves, here we are at the foot of Uluru, where the borders of two civilizations with seemingly endless potential meet amidst farms planted in defiance of their natural habitat. The Maori thought they’d check out the dope looking rock as well. The War for Australia is going to be a crucial point in this game, no question. There’s reason to think Parkes, the murderous psychopath, could win this war. That’s fine. My big question is, what next? Australia is blessed with some spotty neighbors, but supposing they manage to clear out the neighborhood of all opposition, then what? Island hopping through the Pacific? A land invasion of Southeast Asia? Move west across the Indian Ocean, or cross the Pacific to the Americas? They’ve a navy to put a hurting on coastal cities, but there are only so many capital cities on the coasts. Their UU may come at a time when these invasions will need some sort of leg up, but I am not convinced these future wars are definite wins for the attackers, especially attackers with such logistical problems. I think Australia is a regional power, and will remain one. I’m putting my damn name on it. tl;dr Call me when that navy can sail into Lhasa and I’ll give a shit about Oz.

62

The meatgrinder around Nkuna has claimed many Zulu lives, but the city has entered the yellow. Shaka has not seen it fit to provide his men with even a catapult to aid in the capture of the city, but he does have some very nice chariots parked around Nobamba. Aren’t those special? Remember back around turn 20, when those would have been positively world beating units?

63

Cripe’s sake (it’s really just knock off God’s Sake)! Nzinga has gone all in on her UU. That’s no carpet, friends, that’s a damn tidal wave. That in itself might be a problem, as she’ll need to maneuver some of that wave through its self-imposed gridlock down the African coast to relieve Nkuna, stat. To their east, the Ayyubids make a bid to spread the timeless wisdom of the party pope to Klerksdorp. I don’t like their odds.

64

Attila’s Court, amidst the whirlwind of violence that defines the Ural Mountain region in this Battle Royale. Kekkonen’s puppet government sits in San Bartolo. The Mongols have brought a curious amount of siege gear into the region. The Soviet Union and an emboldened Sibir Khanate, fattened by the conquest of Shahrisabz, hem his eastern and western borders. Horse archers and battering rams, impressive in times past, should probably be made into museum displays soon. Leonidas tells Uncle Joe, “Uncle.” With a clean slate, will Stalin realize any of his drunken schemes to make war on the Finns in the north?

65

The lately Swedish Gdansk. Hope Gustavus Adolphus didn’t lose too much blood and gold fighting over that popsicle of a city. Burma smells blood and joins in against the Timurids, if in spirit only. They’re going to have to do a hell of a lot better to impress after offering up a core city in the last part.

66

To Western Europe again. France is looking thinned out a bit, providing Hitler with some space to make his move on Cologne. The North Sea Fleet appears to be making progress on Napoleon’s bronze age navy. On the British Isles, Elizabeth graduates to the Renaissance and is fielding a few Longbowmen against Malachy’s Kerns. Nothing doing though, not after that citadel chain. Look at that shit! Legendary stuff already. We’ll write songs to Malachy’s perfidy.

67

Ha. Wow, it’s the Mughal Empire in all its “splendor”. Remember that time on MST3K when Joel and the ‘bots were watching “Manos: The Hands of Fate”? There’s a scene where Torgo and someone else just sit in a room and do fuck all for a solid minute, just stand there sucking air. Joel, usually a pretty chill guy, finally broke down after watching this go on far too long and just shouts “DO SOMETHING!” at the screen, as if it can respond. But it can’t, because the actors cannot hear us when we coax them to act. Likewise, Akbar cannot hear us, because Akbar is really just a computer doing math, and the math that controls Akbar is simply one long chain of 4s, or most likely 5s. 5 is a shit boring number. Agra is nice, I guess. And it is no longer at risk of being remotely interesting, now that it is at peace with the battered Timurids.

68

Incredible. The crazy bastards actually did it. The Ashanti retook the city, only to cruelly have it ripped from them by the cold, disinterested rules of turn order. We didn’t even get to see it flip green. Reduced to two pikes with bloody noses and a Great General, it is probably asking too much for them to pull it off again. What will befall the General should his forces be wiped out without him? Perhaps he could find his way to a certain Babylonian sub, and there be given a bird’s eye view to history… Shocked by the ceaseless cruelty of the Mali army, Nzinga denounces Mansu Musa with a denouncement so vulgar that I scarcely could repeat it here.

69

To the Yellow River Basin, where Vietnamese forces have focused their attention on Mao’s remote outpost of Hoa Lu. If they can focus their efforts, instead of spreading out and attacking a Mao Zedong clearly favored by fortune to survive impossible odds, they might actually take the city back. Then the Trungs would have China pinned into quite the pressure cooker. Vietnam to the south, a whiz kid Sejong’s gunpowder army to the northeast, and Mongolian neighbors with the most composite bows that you ever did see. Look at all of them!

70

Manila’s very existence now is to play host to an epic game of chicken, played on the scale of empires, with the outcome likely being regional hegemony. Who will jump first? Not to discount the pluck of the Champa, but the Meiji-Vietnamese-Australian border is about to feature at least one country with a major warmonger penalty for taking a capital. That’s a hell of a target to paint on your own back. Just ask Leonidas. Also, goddamn it Kamehameha, upgrade that goddamn spearman or get it out of this game!

71

Usual rogue’s gallery here, as we move into statistics. Finland is somewhat surprising, given their proximity to all those snow tiles. Texas seems to be recovering from the Sack of Austin, enough to peak up from the thirteen spot anyway.

72

What’s worse: being behind Byzantium in anything, or only beating two dead civs? Jose Rizal might have just enough time left to tell you.

73

We’re really hitting diminishing returns on cities now, with most new settlements happening on one tile islands, frozen wastes, or in spots where worked tile overlaps become an issue. The gap between first and thirteenth place here is staggering.

74

Call me crazy, but I think Hitler is in the best position on this list to improve his lot. Poland still hasn’t acquired those crazy good Hussars, and in fact still fields literal ancient units. Cologne is also an achievable minimum goal in his current war with France, and would give him space to develop a navy that could keep him competitive in the North Sea.

75

I studied Korean history for six years, focused primarily on the American air war against Pyongyang and Cold War relations with China. It makes me all tingly to see them right at the top of at least one list in this game, and performing quite well in a crowded neighborhood. They’re outpacing the Snoryaks, a very nice accomplishment indeed. Vietnam’s presence on this list bodes well for their midterm prospects at least. Surprising to see Mexico here, given their mediocre reputation.

76

Any viable civs down here? The Inca have topography to defend them, Carthage has some sort of buff when playing in Battle Royales, and Mao Zedong will inherit the earth with Keith Richards after we are all dead and gone.

77

Korea continues to make a tremendous showing here, even ahead of the menacing Sibir Khanate! I guess Australia looks alright as well. Be nice to see them fight a war against something more competitive than...well, most of their neighbors save the Kimberley, who also appear here.

78

Ouch. The Ashanti have two half dead pikes, the Romans have Iron Age siege equipment, and Babylon has one submarine that has never fired a single shot in anger. The Philippines rest firmly beneath all of these.

79

Gasp! A cultural overview! I will grant you that Australia’s tourism based UA will help them hold what gains they make should they attempt to make a liar out of me and conquer the world. Again, though, they still haven’t even cleared the Kimberley from their backyard. So what if all their neighbors are familiar with Australian culture? You would be too, if Henry Parkes kept sailing past your apartment every few days with the same Men at Work tape in his boombox like the prick he is.

80

Just remember, folks, when you begin to feel sad for the departed Ashanti or the Grim Reaper’s icy hand reaching out for the Philippines...remember the eternal good times imparted to us by the Party Pope of Cairo, whose words stir the hearts of men even in the face of oblivion.

81

His teachings may only carry water in two cities, but in the words of the Party Pope himself, 'Two‘s a party.' Thanks for letting me do this very stupid thing, TPang. Thank you all for reading it.

Part 18: : Goodnight, Sweet Prince – mk2

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