Part 24: A Song of Ice and More Ice

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Hi there, I’m so glad you could join me today! Welcome to part 24 of - You guessed it, the /r/Civ Battle Royale! I’m your host /u/Curlysnail, part time Polandball painter, procrastinator and propaganda propagator for the Babylonian Observer. Of course I’d like to thank TPang for both bringing us the Battle Royale itself and for kindly allowing me to write this part, I shalt not disappoint! And without further ado, we shall begin!

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Ah, I lied. There is more ‘ado’ to do here. Here is the wonderful map of the world on turn 271 made by /u/SylonL, with cities added by /u/LacsiraxAriscal. I really like the Pirated names of the Buccaneer land holdings. The “Galarrrpagos” never fails to make me chuckle and mumble it out loud.

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We begin this part with a look into the mighty Inuit homeland. Although at war with the Snoreyaks, Ekeuhnick (Inuit) decides to hold the majority of the Ice Sheet Fleet back in the icy waters of Alaska. The Inuit have a strong looking navy, one certainly not to be toyed with though unlike the top drop bear, Australia, their navy is still rocking some Galleass. Ekeuhnick needs to invest some more ice gold into his navy lest the war with the Yaks may grind to a slow and snowy halt. Ask Hitler, a slow winter war is never good, and in Yakland it’s always winter.

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Moving on to a slightly more desert-y environment we see the mismatched army of Tibet on the brink of capturing the Timurid city of Urgench. Not only do Tibet have a swordsman, but they also have Longswordsmen, some Pikemen and some Muskets, not to mention them fielding Cannons alongside Composite Bowmen. Timur does not seem too bothered by this, having most of his army along his southern border. There’s not too much he can do here though as Urgench is only accessible through a one tile mountain pass. It’s also interesting to note that Songtsän has chosen not to use his Himalayan Cavalry which are incredibly fast in hills. Having many of these could potentially end his campaign in the rocky regions of Timurid land much quicker.

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Ekeuhnick decides he’s fed up with Sitting Bull’s (What’s left of the Sioux) city taking up all of them tasty snow tiles and declares war. There aren’t many Inuit units in the area however, and naval attacks are limited to one tile. This tile of course being blocked by the Maple Flotilla of Lester B. Pearson (of Canada) himself. The Fascist Finns decide that their north is truer than the Inuit and declare an irrelevant war, making nobody happy nor sad.

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Speaking of Finland the top kekk Kekkonen continues his assault on Poland, pushing on from Wroclaw to Warsaw. Their army looks to be thinning out on the front lines though their reserves in the north seem ready to go, itching to deny Poland into space. Not just outer space mind you, any space at all. The Polish are also getting battered by Leonidas of Sparta, his army of Pikes and Knights being fended off by a single Composite Bow and a Crossbow. Poland’s days look sadly numbered.

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By the Franco-Porto-Nazi border we have de Grouchiest Great General ever to have lived. He’s probably peeved off at the fact that not only does Cologne not belong to France, but it belongs to Maria of all people. Also note the number of Swedish and Norwegian troops near Hamburg, and the almost complete lack of German troops around to defend it.

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Elizabeth (England), as if she needs more enemies, declares war on Morocco. Perhaps a deluded decision formed on her desperate belief that Britain really does have a worldwide empire and everyone else is just lying. More likely is she’s just begging Ahmad to put her out of her misery. He probably could too if the Portuguese navy wasn’t in the way. Also, he looks like the kind of guy that could do it too, something about his stare.

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Australian holdings in the Champa’s back garden look dangerously undefended. If they moved quickly then they could possibly take a few small cities from them before the thunder is heard, and the Wobbegong Armada comes crashing down on the Cham’s inferior Galleass and Triremes.

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Where is the Wobbegong Armada now you ask? Well curious reader it is right here where we left it, relentlessly bombarding what is left of the Japanese cities. I always like to be positive with all the different Civs, but Meiji and his empire of the rapidly setting sun is looking to be in a pretty dire position. They can only but hope to hold onto Osaka, maybe the only defensible spot they have against the Australian onslaught.

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Ingolfur (Iceland) finally decides to put his beautifully coloured navy to use, which would be exciting had it been pointed the right way. I guess moving all those ships through a 1 tile gap to fight the Canadians would be too time consuming (even though they’re AI, who have no other commitments than ‘be AI’). Then again, trying to funnel through all those units to Finland would also be difficult and time consuming. Maybe Ingolfur just wanted to be relevant and get a slide without actually doing anything.

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In a rarely seen Culture Overview screen we can see just how much Australia is leading in tourism. Perhaps this is not so important in a domination only game, but having everybody convert to your ideology is more likely to make friends than enemies. For a few turns at least. Afghanistan, the only Civ that has chosen Order so far is happy for now, but soon but soon be swarmed by free people who really, really just want to be oppressed by an Autocratic regime.

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Henry Parkes (Oz) hasn’t even finished ripping through Japan and yet makes his next target very clear. Turtle ships are strong, and admiral Yi is a damn good commander but the turtle can only hold against a Wobbegong for so long (I assume this is the case, Wobbegongs look weird so I wouldn’t want to be touching one, let alone fighting it).

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The nut of Urgench is cracked by the Himalayan army. Timur decides to send a trickle of units up to repel the Tibetans, though to no great effect. Timur is in a pickle of a situation right now, any full commitment on any front leaves a mushy centre empire exposed to those who wish to take a bite. From this picture it seems the Siberians have exchanged a walk on part in the war, for a lead role working the fields. That Rifleman looks pretty threatening though.

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Nzinga (Kongo) has decided that Morocco is long overdue for some autumn spirit and sends over a load of leaves to help get Ahmad in the mood. These leaves have swords however. Can you imagine leaves with swords? Imagine stepping on a sword leaf… Ouch… Aaaanyway, in other news Napoleon finds Tygyn Darkhan sleeping in his embassy and gets mad. He screams something in French about “Guerre”, but Darkhan just rolls over in his sleep and snores deeply.

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Lincoln finally finds someone less than his own size to pick on and declares war on Sitting Bull. Maybe, just maybe he’d have a chance at winning this battle. If only the only Sioux City was not an icy hell way out of Lincoln’s reach. In other news The Nazis and Soviets make peace. Molotov cocktails are thrown in large numbers that night.

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Mexico hops right in the Autocratic Automobile, only going forward ‘cause reverse means being shot for deserting your army. Mexico is rapidly becoming a technological leader in this area of the Americas. The Texans, who were once pretty scary, now look slightly weaker compared to the heavily Gatling-gunned up Mexican army.

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We receive intel from the most trusted sources that the blood thirsty Henry “Parks his car right on top of you” Parkes is planning on not only crushing and making turtle soup out of the Korean navy, but also annexing the beautiful islands of Hawaii into his empire. It may be wise for Kamehameha to move those fancy UU’s from the Americas and bring them to protect the homeland.

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Semiramis brings us less interesting news, telling us that Hotak plans to Hoattack the one remaining legion of the Roman Empire. Maybe focusing your anger towards your more immediate neighbours would yield better results, though I am not a wise AI so I would not know.

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Back to central Europe now where the Swedes seem to be everywhere. Poland and Germany seem to be getting along just fine, with regular trading with Lodz occurring from France. Irrelevant- ‘Lodz’ is actually pronounced nothing like ‘Lodz’, it’s more like ‘Wooj’. I hope you didn’t know this already, as I have just wasted your time.

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Ah, the greater Emerald Isle! As a Welshman this slide is about the best I could have hoped for in the Battle Royale (sorry England. Ok not really). I suspect Ireland will see a lull in foreign activity now, which is good as they need to build back a good navy, just in case the Icelandic decide that lands that can support cities greater than 1 pop are good.

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The Carthaginians are slowly pushing back the Ayyyyubids, though it seems like Hannibal (Carthage) and his swift conquests are starting to slow down. If Saladin (Ayyubids) can form a nice and quick Pike carpet then he might be able to stop the elephants in their large, plodding tracks. You know, I asked my dog Mambo at the start of the Royale who he thought would win and he just barked. I called him a silly Hannibal Bark-a. Gettit? Like Hannibal Barca? Ok… On to more serious stuff.

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The war of the icy worlds continues to blizzard on. Darkhan is making some gains in the south of Kamchatka, though the Ice-Sheet Fleet has arrived to the east, and those Yakutian cities along the coast look woefully undefended and unprepared for a full on Frigate invasion.

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Like Oda Nobunaga, Meiji reunites the island of Japan (save Nagoya) under one banner again. This development does not look like it is going to last as Parkes is hungry for more God’s sake, and the Japanese are pouring out God’s sake by the barrel full.

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Once again Elizabeth decides to make more enemies and declares war on Finland. The Finnish have yet to deploy their UU yet. Then again, they are probably just planning to go on holiday in the USSR for some sweet, free experience. Can I just say- And I’m sorry for bias- That the USSR have been really disappointing so far. I mean, I’m rooting for them until the end but they have so much potential that they don’t use. At least in this reality Stalin had the sense to use his Great Generals rather than kill them.

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Australian land has become so full up with either the might of the Wobbegone or rivers of Vegemite that some of the navy and army hangs about near Antarctica. You can’t really see where the ships are going, though it looks to me like the Māori should be scared. Then again, Australia may beat the Māori in a war, but sure can’t beat them in Rugby ;) (Sorry Tpang)

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ALERT! ALERT! The Boers have finally decided to use their massive tech advantage in Africa and actually go after someone. While Nzinga’s back was turned Kruger (Boers) realised the time to strike was now. Lime Vs. Orange is now go, and it’s looking fairly unfavourable for the limes. Kakongo is sure to fall at least, slowly merging and fixing the border gore of Africa.

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The Capital of Japan is now merely a single house atop a hill, but that won’t stop them fighting for it. I think I see a Samurai as well as a Musket, but it all seems too late for Meiji.

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Mao’s (China) Red Dead army looks to be on its last legs. Mao fought valiantly, defying all odds of survival for this long however it looks like Vietnam is about to deliver the killing blow. Cannons, Muskets and Gatlin guns Vs. Composite Bowmen and Pikes… Chairman Mao will soon be saying Chairman “Ow!” after the Trung Sisters (‘Nam) have their way.

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arrrrgh, here be the Black Spot of the Caribbean, where all empires come to die under the hand of Henry Morgan. Well, only the Mayans have so far but you get the picture. All those Corsair’s are beginning to look very, very scary, and any nation with a coastal city in the region would do well to be weary.

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The most exciting thing in this photograph is that a few units near the Machu-Fortaleza border have been exchanging fire. Wait! Actually it appear that the Argentinians have made some Musket men! Forgive me if this has already been commented on, there is not much to talk about in South America right now.

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Then again, the Chileans who were looking to be really strong are actually falling behind along a border they may need to fight along again. While the Incans are fielding Crossbows O’Higgins (Chile) elects to use Composite bowmen.

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Not much progress in the Lime/Orange war so far. This is quite surprising actually as the majority of the Kongo’s leaf army is surrounding Mampong (Morocco) leaving vast swaths of Kongo land empty for Boer units to move into. If you look on the bottom right of the screen though it seems like the Boers are more interested in Kakongo than anything else.

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Blimey, old Liz sure wants to go out with a bang, denouncing Norway. Maybe she’s mad they let Portugal get it. Norway seems too focussed on Hamburg to care. Swedish forces are also massing greatly near what seems like one of Poland’s port cities.

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Back to Urgench now where Timur has managed to repel the Tibetans, at least for now. It still looks dire for Timur in this region, as he simply cannot maintain a presence in the mountains the Tibetans call their home.

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The Kimberly decide not to anger their green neighbours and follow Autocracy. Keeping Australia on their side for now seems like a good move as, although they have better technology on land, they simply do not have the numbers. Also, look at all that Wobbegong in reserve, it’s insane. If the Kimberly want to remain stronk and relevant then maybe a war against Indonesia would be profitable. It may be slow at the start but once they break through the masses of caravels they can snake around the archipelago snatching cities like an aboriginal Cthulhu.

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The Swedish continue to push into Polish and German land quickly and with force while Haakon of Norway slowly but surely chips away at Hamburg. The Fins look like they are holding back any further assault while the Soviet Workers of the World have united to try and invade Poland too. However not being military unit’s means they cannot do anything. Hannibal also makes it to the Renaissance era. Elephants can’t be good forever now can they?

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Australia, though having the most tourism overall does not hold the title of the city most people like to visit. This may be because they all smell of Vegemite and play “Land down under” 24/7. Curiously Paris has the same amount of tourism as is given by the Eiffel Tower.

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While some Inuit children were throwing snow into each other’s mouths to eat one of them flung some snow-coal. They later realised that snow-coal was not chocolate and could burn it. Tl;Dr- Inuit enter Industrial era.

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Lincoln, despite being a fairly small empire, is ahead of a lot of Civ’s technological curve and enters the industrial era. Shame this won’t help him become relevant at all.

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Ah Afghanistan, the land devoid of many units and a seemingly invisible city (Lashkar Gar). Just north of the Invisible City Hotak builds something that is not an army, seeking world peace through the wonders of art. Sadly, this is not going to happen. He can dream though. He even builds the Taj Mahal. He sure is dreaming pretty hard! Build some units! Also- I love how there are two “Samarq(k)and’s” in this picture. Must get pretty confusing for the residents of these two nations.

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Japan is briefly united once more. Some of the sea-able Korean ships have broken out to harass the Australians, however it does not seem this will serve to do anything more than stall the inevitable Japanese loss of their homeland. In the North the Inuit and Yakutia continue to battle it out. The Yakutians are playing purely defensive, and in an environment like the one they live in they are very well defended. Who wants to move an army though a ton of ice and snow? I mean, I know the Inuit eat it, but I can’t imagine it being a nice place to fight.

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A better look at this war now. The Inuit seem to have finally hauled most of their army through Alaska and into Kamchatka, Cannons and Muskets a-plenty. If Darkhan can hold the line behind Igloolik then he can prevent big cities like Ytyk-Kyuyol for being put in danger. If I can bash on the Inuit a little more- They still have not upgraded their army. I’ve criticised Chile for still using Composite Bowman, and the Inuit are no exception.

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Now, forgive me if I’m wrong TPang but the Garrison Artillery is available through JFD‘s and Pouakai‘s Mercenaries mod. It could actually be Canadas UU but I might just be wrong. Anyway, if they are strong then they surely give Canada a leg up in what seems to be a relative balance of power in North America. TPang pls help. TPang‘s help: “Yeah, we recently updated Canada and canned the Garrison Artillery and replaced it with a super awesome Hudson‘s Bay Company. You can still purchase the Garrison Arty and the Avro Arrow as Mercenary Contracts in the Mercenaries Mod”.If I can bash on the Inuit a little more- They still have not upgraded their army. I’ve criticized Chile for still using Composite Bowman, and the Inuit are no exception.

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The (fairly large) Polish city of Krakow is starting to ‘Krak’ under the pressure of the Swedish army. The Fins have also started to mobilise their army towards the Polish heartland. You can’t call it a heartland really, it’s all close to the edge. It’s all… Skinland? Berlin also looks to be in danger of Gustavus Adolfus (Sweden) reclaiming the surname ‘Adolf’, though no damage has been done to the Capital of the Reich as of yet.

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*BOOM* the hammer of the Gods drives Swedish ships to new lands, to snipe the cities, singing and crying “Hitler we are coming, yeah!” Much to the dismay of the Norwegians I may add, they were trying so hard to not be branded ‘Snoreway’ but now, unless they want to attack Ireland or Sweden, will be confined back to their old habbits. Gustavus looks to be finally earning his nickname ‘The Lion of the North’, even looking poised to pounce and take Krakow for good.

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An Australian scout scouts out Henry Parkes far future empire. For now, the scout thinks, they will just introduce them to the wonders of Vegemite and giant spiders.

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Hey look more Japa- Wait. Wait wait wait. Wait. How have Australia got a Turtle ship? Either the Australians through years of mutation through long sun exposure have gained the ability to shapeshift or the ships of the Wobbegong have so much experience they how have the prized ships promotion. Either reality is equally as disturbing.

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The Trung Sisters make their move into China. With their army now consisting of Riflemen I would officially call Mao some kind of super-AI to withstand such a brutal onslaught. The only thing worse than this would be if the flail of god swung towards Mao’s head. By this I mean many Mongolian units pouring into Chinese cities. Shoulda built that wall Mao.

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Tibet seems to have firmly cemented Urgench into their empire and seem to be trying to attack Nishapur. Going at this with a single Composite Bowman may not yield good results though. Also, either the Huns are friendly and have open borders with Timur, or the Huns now send workers into battle. Tus better watch out or Attila is going to build a very mean statue at the base of Tus.

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Afghanistan joins the new fad of settling snow cities in the south. Taloquan is a prime destination for Afghan citizens who want something more than the warm- two Samarq(k)and land of Afghanistan. Why they would choose a snowy outcrop over somewhere where blood can run without being frozen I don’t know, but they seem to like it so much they’ve sent another settler down. In African news- Hannibal finally cracks Bilbais

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The Kimberly decide to expand further into the icy Antarctic waters, potentially as an escape plan for if Australia overwhelms them. There is a lot of fish/ pearls south of Wulungarra though, so don’t immediately write this expansion off as useless just yet.

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The Commandos surround Kakongo, the cities only defense being a lonely scout. It won’t be soon before Kakongo falls and Kruger can turn his attention outwards- Potentially to the Kongo capital. Since it’s the Zulu’s turn, now would be a time to mention that it would be a really good time for Shaka to declare war on the Kongo again. But I’m pretty sure he won’t. The AI is like that you see.

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The slow and grinding Cartago-Bid war becomes so dragged out that Hanno the Navigator gets old and fights for the war as Hanno the Elder. Carthage has a huge (compared to the size of the Mediterranean) navy, and could easily overwhelm Sparta if he was that way inclined. The Spartans may be fierce on the ground but Galleass Vs. Caravels might not end well for the non-ranged ships.

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It seems like Hotak plans for more than building wonders, but if Semiramis was wrong about Afghanistan’s ‘war’ against the last remaining Roman Legion we may have reason to doubt this prediction. A Timurid war would probably not result in much. Too many mountain passes to go through which the Timurid’s could easily defend even with their small-ish army.

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I would love to say something relevant is happening in this slide, as the fact that The Boers are making ground in the Kongo is more interesting than India right now. I guess the fact that Sri Lanka now has a decent land army (go to war with the Mughals!) and that Senggezangbo (Vietnam) has fallen into the deep yellow is pretty interesting. Shoutout to /r/MuggleNation

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And here we are, the Boers have now turned their forces outward and have begun assault of border Kongo cities. Orangegroupe South heads towards Kabasa and potentially on to M’Banza-Kongo while Orangegroupe North heads to the lightly defended city of Gondar. For some reason despite surrounding Mampong with units Nzinga has not yet issued an order to damage the city. You would think ~12 leaves could cut through a couple of Composite Bowmen really quickly. Apparently not.

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The assault on Japan just doesn’t stop. The vicious Australians destroying cities over and over again just to have a lone Musket man take it back. You have to hand it to the Japanese thoug, they’re not giving up without a fight.

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The Vietnamese and Chinese forces dance around each other like two mighty dragons fighting in the sky. This would be majestic until you imagine that one is a slightly podgy dragon with a Chairman Mao mask on. *Shudders*.

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Wotjulum and Sendai are magically still in Yakutian (gloved) hands. Some Inuit Privateers seem to break through the stalemate only to be pushed back out again- Repeat ad infinitum. It’s also interesting that even if the Inuit break through the Yakut’s front line Darkhan has hidden more in reserve, way up in the icy northern waters.

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Bilbais has been flipping back and forth between Carthage and Ayyyyyubids for the past forever it seems. So much so that the people of that city are now half green and half yellow. Crazy huh?

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The Swedes surely have not calmed the tides of war in this part and have only served to make them bigger! Krakow is now in Swedish hands. Sweden’s S.A.S (Some assembly required) have finally come out of what looked like an irrelevant and hopeless situation and have turned themselves into a potential European leader. Maybe not though, The Finns still look foreboding and they’ve just made peace with Poland, leaving Sparta to nibble the last remains of Casimir’s fallen empire.

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Stalin’s army has reappeared, heading towards Attila’s Court while the Huns are fairly weak after their crippling war with Sibir. I don’t know if Stalin’s army seems like it’s a decent size, or if it’s just the fact there are a ton of workers. Soviet core cities are big though, there’s that.

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Speaking of Stalin, the man of Steel figures out how to smelt stuff en masse. He then gets a lot of ‘volunteers’ in his northern labour camps to build factories to usher in a new age of Communism. Or Autocracy, just like everyone else.

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Morgan is becoming fed up with the fact that a Civilization as weak as America can survive in America and begins to plot Lincoln’s demise. Lincoln may be in the industrial era but his ships are sure not advanced enough for an assault on the scale the Bucc’s can buck. Speaking of poor navies- The Maple Flotilla is also pretty flimsy compared to their seafaring neighbours up north.

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The Australians seem fed up of wasting the full force of the Wobbegong Armada on constantly retaking cities from rouge Samurai and Muskets and so bring some land units to take care of them. The Japanese may want to open peace talks now, though this may not be possible as the glorious beard of Henry Parkes has grown so thick and wild no sound can permeate it. Alcohol can still drain through it though, don’t you worry about that.

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Akbar (Mugals) watches Poland falling from atop a large mountain and decides he should declare war on poor Casimir, who is already being kicked repeatedly by the Spartans. Revenge for that scout maybe? Who knows? I think there was a flower or something.

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The Swedish now have a taste for blood and are not stopping at Hamburg. Burgers are nice but the really meaty land lies in Berlin in the centre of Europe. Should Gustav want to continue to be successful in his conquests Berlin would be a fine and strategic prize. Oh and, RIP Hitler I guess.

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Remember those Australian scouts in Texas? Well the Texans loved the Australians violent accounts of war and the Australians loved the Texan gun shops so much that the both became good friends. Japan is still hanging on for dear life.

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With no wars to fight the Finn’s army spreads across their territory. All those guns look terrifying, and as a USSR supporter (In game not real life!) I should be pretty scared. We’re bros though? Right!? And now to conclude this part, Bernardo has had enough of the Kekks dooming the future of civilization and declares the most relevant war of this part.

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Ah and now we come to the numbers part of the slides. The Maori are edging out ahead in population. Mostly the usual suspects here.

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While slap bang at the bottom we have the Sioux and Poland. Poland just lost a size 17 city… Ouch.

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The Australians stay on top while Finland climbs ever higher.

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Poland is now the weakest living nation. I wouldn’t be surprised if they fall soon.

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I swear this slide is reused every part.

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Here we see all the Civs that are tottering on the edge of total destruction. I wonder how the Sioux are doing against the Inuit…

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The Boers out tech even Korea. Bad news for the Kongo who is already suffering early into the war. The Soviet Union is peaking out at the bottom there.

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Carthage, though looking strong, is still not making any tech progress.

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And last but not least…

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The religion map! That’s all for today folks, I hope you enjoyed this part like I enjoyed writing it. Don’t forget to swing by /r/civbattleroyale for your fix of OC and speculation in-between each part, there are some awesome people there!

Part 24: A Song of Ice and More Ice – mk2

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