Part 26: Who‘s the Fairest of them All? – MK2

Welcome back to the /r/civ Battle Royale. Your host today is me, /u/forgodandthequeen and I can confidently predict there will be at least 3 comments saying ’Goddamit Forgie.’ If you don‘t know how I can predict that, join us over on /r/civbattleroyale!

Once again, a fantastic map lovingly crafted by /u/SylonL and /u/LacsiraxAriscal . The big news last part was the Boers beginning to tear through the Kongo and Swedish assaults on Germany and Poland. Let‘s see what‘s next.

A look at South America, mainly useful as a comparison of technology. As you can see, while guns are now commonplace, only Brazil has worked out the neat trick of strapping them to a boat.

The Carthaginian offensive appears to have stalled, as Saladin has mustered an impressive Ayyubid force. Also, Kruger(Boers) has unsurprisingly taken the isolated town of Dire Dawa.

There is a truly vicious irony in how Poland has been partitioned between three hostile powers. Warsaw looks to fall to Spartan forces soon. Hitler seems to be defending Germany better, but his defenders diminish rapidly.

The Irish military looks severely outdated, especially when you look at the handful of Icelandic frigates looming in the Hebrides.

A new UU approaches! The Mehal Sefari, if you don‘t know, gets bonuses near the capital. This, combined with the many mountains near Addis Ababa, will make anybody trying to invade Ethiopia tear their subroutines out.

Here‘s something I don‘t get. The Inuit have a perfectly respectable canal city in Igloolik. But they insist on sending their navy round the Kamchatka Peninsula. Both sides refuse to commit their full forces to this war, as both have potential enemies back home.

Well this is interesting, isn‘t it? A fresh wave of Korean Turtle Ships have arrived, just as the Aussies begin a new attack on Tokyo. You‘d have thought the Wobbegong Navy could simply go round the South of Japan, to strike at Korea itself. But they can‘t, because Vietnam owns an inconvenient water tile.

The Boer War takes a dark turn for the Kongo, as Nzinga loses her capital. Perhaps that mass of triremes can retake it, but the Boers have reserves. As well as the first artillery I‘ve seen so far.

Another new UU with the Afghan Zamburak (although it had it‘s premiere in a previous part). This is essentially a camel mounted cannon, with some hilarious pictures on Wikipedia. In game turns, it‘s a Gatling Gun with extra movement.

Look at the Persian Navy. Look at the Afghan Navy. Naval tech is not vital to Persian success, but that‘s just a bit rubbish Darius. And the journey of the Boer trireme can‘t have been easy, given they can‘t cross ocean.

Stalin sends a sizeable Soviet squad to subjugate. Similarly, Sibir seeks success, so strikes. And Attila is caught right in the middle of this alliterative barney. His court will almost certainly fall, and so will Bakihon. It will then be a race to Beaumont.

LOOK AT ALL THOSE MEXICAN GATLING GUNS! And right at the top of the screen, a Mexican UU. It gets bonuses when garrisoned. I‘m ignoring the whole 'War with Japan' thing, because neither is in any position to island hop.

Yakuts vs. Japan 2: This Time The Vessel Is A Boat. Considerably more relevant than the Mexico war, but probably futile. Hiroshima and Kanazawa are tough nuts to crack.

A war between Canada and America, soothsayed by Semmy here, might not be as one sided as it seems. Lincoln has Gatling guns, unlike his Canadian counterpart. And that musketman at the bottom there suggests a mass upgrading of American pikemen might be in order. And the garrisoned Montreal is weaker than the unguarded New York.

Any war here would probably be more one sided. The walls of Jericho are a bit flimsy, surprisingly, and Arabian tech is a comforting step beyond Israeli.

Warsaw is only taking light damage, but it‘ll soon be a toss-up between Sweden and Sparta as to who gets it. One Polish military unit remains.

This Lion has no fear at heart! A renewed Sweden offensive aims to retake Berlin, and will probably succeed. Hitler now has no melee units left, meaning he cannot hope to take it back.

A quick pop in to look at Mali. Probably a good time for Mansa Musa to start killing. Southern Carthage is undefended, and the Moroccan army could be picked to pieces inside Mali borders.

While the Dread Fleet sails east to smash Portuguese cities, note that Portugal has open borders with Morocco. This allows the Mediterranean Fleet to potentially reinforce what is left of the Atlantic Fleet. It won‘t happen, because that would require a clever AI, but hey, a man can dream.

Blackfoot lands look kind of sparse. A decent navy, but the Ice Sheet Fleet could smash it to slivers. Geography is a cruel mistress, and Crowfoot would have no effective allies if the Inuit were to start trouble.

You probably already worked this out last slide, but Berlin has fallen. Hitler‘s days are numbered. Well, technically they always were numbered, but now it‘s not a very big number.

I told myself I wouldn‘t say it. I wouldn‘t say that Vietnam looked ready to finally get Mao. Because Mao has survived in this position for some centuries now. But it‘s happened. Beijing has surrendered. There‘s a sufficiently large army that it‘ll probably flip, but the Trung Sisters are not going to go home now.

Honolulu is officially larger than Ottowa at 32 pop. That‘s quite a lot really. Not a great deal else to say here really. Wait, is that an American caravel due east of Ballarat? Nice to see if you like FREEDOM!

Nkuna falls. The Zulu fought a brutal war of attrition to try and take that, and failed. The Boers seize it almost as an afterthought. It looks more and more likely that Kongo will have a large displaced navy to deal with.

Nobody likes Persia. It seems that Boer trireme that made a great Odyssey to be here will actually see action. It‘ll probably be sunk. Quite sad really.

Two things of note. Apparently Australia has open borders with Vietnam, and the Turtle wall is starting to fall.

Mbanza flips! A minor blip to Boer plans, and well done for Nzinga for pulling it off with just a navy. AIs struggle with navies. Too bad Kruger will probably just retake it and carry on killing.

Armenia declares war on Persia! Should be close. Riddle me this. Zoom in on the Armenian musketman on Persian soil. Why is he facing away from the enemy? On the first turn of war? It‘s the Zulu that are taking lessons from the French, not the Armenians.

It seems I was unkind to Chile in the first slide. They have also worked out how to strap guns to a boat. Maybe they‘ll use it to go beat up Portugal. Maybe they‘ll sail about doing sod all. Fairly even chances to be honest.

What is so appealing about penguins? Maybe they‘re all just trying to work out where that strange man who appeared in their throne room about 3000 years ago lives.

Brazil is probably the strongest contender in South America. Which is like saying 'the most aggressive tortoise I‘ve ever met'. Big cities, high tech armies, no strategic skill.

And so our first contender comes stumbling into the Modern Era. The Korean science bonuses are clearly powerful. But if Kruger of the Boers has artillery, he cannot be far from the Modern Era either.

Not much happening in this war. That musketman continues to turn his back on war, and an Armenian longswordsman is in a knotty situation just across the gulf from Gordium.

Bowing to the continual peer pressure to be a brutal war-mongerer, Sejong adopts Autocracy. I‘ve had a thought. If everyone goes Autocracy, everyone will get a relationship bonus. So wars will presumably wind down after a bit, because everyone will be friends. Booo.

In other news, Iceland. Doing quite well for a civ based around Great Writers. That Portuguese knight looks to be sailing north. God knows why, because...

Pirates! In an adventure with horsemen. The Buccaneers have clear naval supremacy in the Atlantic.

This looks like Vietnam made a bad move, but really, why bother racking up a war-mongerer penalty when you have the capital? Mao gets to live another day. At least until the Mongols get feisty. Look at that carpet.

The tide is turning against Hannibal. The Carthaginian army has undergone a major modernization program, going from elephants to muskets in just a few turns it seems.

As the Boers cement their control on Mbanza, a sad peek at the Zulu. The rise of Kruger will mean the fall of Shaka some day. There is simply no way they can compete with their northern neighbour.

Ladies and gentlemen, prime your F keys. It is possible, if unlikely, Hitler could peace out of this war. But there will be no escape for Poland. And good Lord, Sweden did all this in the Renaissance? That‘s slightly disappointing. The fact that muskets are considered a Renaissance tech feels weird.

A snapshot of Inuit heartlands. Also fairly barren. Suddenly the Blackfoot look strong, especially on the border.

Oh screw you, Gustavus. I did my big speech about 'no escape', and you go and make peace with a man who‘s military consists of one guy with a crossbow. Maybe Sparta will snap it up instead. You silly dolt.

#turnyourbackonwar

I have a soft spot for Byzantium. Hopelessly behind, but with their capital lost, potentially out of danger. They may well just live life to the full in the Ukraine until the end of time. Hopefully Stalin doesn’t get twitchy with those riflemen.

Every time I’m nasty to Chile, they come out strong. O’Higgins has decided to send one of his UUs across the ocean. It gets promotions faster. Also, Buccanau.

Musketmen are present in every army in the Middle East except one. No surprises which one. The Persian army is both outdated and facing a two front war. Hopefully the defensive terrain will save them, but this looks grim.

With Turtle Ships being turned against their former allies and Australian riflemen on Japanese soil, it seems unlikely Tokyo will survive.

Queen Nzinga continues to prove the worth of her navy, previously dismissed as a mere boondoggle. While still having superior firepower, the Boer eastern flank is looking somewhat vulnerable, particularly Klerksdorp. What a name.

Meanwhile, Kuchum Khan(Sibir) proves he is the top dog in central Russia by storming into Attila’s Court and Bakihon. Beaumont looks likely to fall as well. This is bad news for Attila. Very bad. Also of note, Finland displays the second set of artillery seen so far.

Australia must be a serious warmonger if Canada is deciding to be unfriendly. I have no idea what that cannon looking UU is. It’s not on the Steam Workshop page. Or the wiki. TPang, fix your mod. TPang‘s note: It‘s the Garrison Artillery, Canada‘s old UU (builds Forts and is stronger when in them). Since the inception of the BR, Canada has been updated with a mountain of mod support and a revamped unique ability alongside many changes including it‘s new UB the Hudson‘s Bay Company (which turns Trading Posts into mini forts and forts into mini Trading Posts).

Ah ha, I’m one step ahead. I’ve already talked about the Mexican UU, so I’ll bring your attention to the fact neither Texas or Canada seems to have Gatling guns. Unlike Mexico.

The Dread Fleet enters Portuguese waters for the first time. The city of Leiria looks to be the first target. Apparently there is a river than flows uphill and a large pine forest. VistPortugal.com says little about an impending pirate invasion.

Clearly disgusted by the Australian slavery of his turtle ships, the Korean leader bows out of the war. While no territory changed hands, it’s a moral victory for the Aussies.

You know, if Civ maps were spherical, Iceland would be a lot more of a threat to world peace. As it is, they can only really attack Canada and Ireland. Neither has a massive navy, but both have inland cities, which could prove problematic.

Pretty much the same screenshot as two slides ago, so I invite readers to play an absorbing game of Spot the Difference. There’s one fairly major difference. Go on, have a hunt.

Did you spot it? Yes, Mbanza has fallen once more. The amount of ships able to retake cities is dwindling rapidly, and artillery tells no lies.

Hmm, my civ knowledge is not perfect, so I’m not sure what resource The Lone Pikeman has decided to settle on forevermore. Let me know in the comments whether it’s something appropriate.

In a less than surprising twist, Tokyo surrenders to the strange men who smell of vegemite and crocodiles. Osaka looks to be the next target. TPang‘s note: How the hell do you even begin to smell like a crocodile?

Ethiopia. Land of the last remaining chariot archer in existence. Also, well done Kongo, continuing to fight the white man. Also also, someone’s having a fight near Dire Dawa. Also also also, how many workers do the Boers need?

Agreeing that bushido is a load of bullshit, the Japanese lay down their weapons, handing over Kyoto in the peace deal. Now Mr Parkes needs to find a new set of skulls to crush.

A shot of the Boer heartlands, and blimey there’s a lot of it. Lots of awesome names too. Who wouldn’t eant to live in Wolfmaranstad? Or Vryburg? Some are clearly named after the guy that founded them though. Looking at you, Harrismith.

Who can spot the invisible Great General? (God, this is turning into Where’s Wally.) Those musketmen who bravely decided to turn their back on war are now, predictably, getting shot in the back.

The biggest surprise here is Iceland and the Soviet Union, as I associate their cities with naught but snow and misery. A bit like Inverness really.

A Who’s Who of failure here, with many civs in this shot struggling to stay above water.

Again, mostly predictable, but note the fall of Australia, long time leader, to 8th.

The biggest tragedy in this shot is not the parade of failed civs, it’s the realisation that the Last Legion has become separated from the Last Ballista, at the top there. Will they ever find each other again?

The top three are all Colonialist Legacies civs, made by the fickle god of this universe. Just saying.

The 11th hour conquests of the Kongo keep them out of this list, but note they’ll probably be back down soon

And as religion starts to pale into insignificance to be replaced with ideology, have look at the cultural dominance of some civs. Finland leads; unsurprising give their UA lets them have a quarter of the culture of friendly civs.

And Israel has not even finished their third tree. Rome and Ashanti never will. Not sure where the Philippines are. And that’s all for today! The Kongo, Huns, Germany and Poland are all on the ropes, Sibir, the Boers and Australia all cement their control of their region, but large armies still lurk untested in Iceland and Mongolia. Thanks to everyone who reads this! Now go forth and create discussion, artwork and silly videos with Attila’s face photoshopped onto a ‘Downfall’ parody. Forgie out.