Part 31: The Grand Culling – MK2

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back to another thrilling instalment of the Battle Royale! I‘m /u/senshidenshi, reprising my role as emergency narrator for this edition! This time I‘m actually going to try to keep it short so we can get this out on time! Yeah, we‘ll see how that goes.

Here it is! What‘s new this issue: a LOT. From top to bottom left to right: some unpuppetting in Europe as Sparta take Lodz, Finland Wroclaw and Sibir Attila‘s Court and Beaumont into their empires. Sibir also sneak a new city (Lillehammer) in the old Hunnic territories. In Africa, the Boers annex Mbanza-Kongo, but none of the rest of the former Kongolese territories, although the population of the area is starting to recover. Asia‘s pretty quiet in terms of off-screen changes, but Australia found two new cities - Geraldton in Ozinesia, and a mystery city (they‘ve exhausted their city list) in Japan. Never to be outdone the Inuit found THREE MORE CITIES in their homelands, all of which are mysteries in terms of names. Seriously, it‘s getting ridiculous now. That area looks bigger on the map than it is in-game, and it‘s still the densest area of cities on the whole map. Canada annex Sihasapa (north of where Chichen Itza is) and Cincinnati joins Albany in being an unlikely metropolis. Oof, I think that‘s about all! Here‘s the simplified version: http://i.imgur.com/sYHLUJq.png[

We begin today on a humorous note. Yes, despite being dead, the Huns move ever forwards into technological advancement.Guess there‘s not much else to do in the afterlife.

The Timurids look in a decent position around Ghazni. Which is a shame, because they and Persia have just made peace. Also note the Tumen, a Lancer replacement, which, among other things, is slightly less shitty against cities.

England, IRL hub of great music (or at least it used to be), attempts to keep the title in the Royale. It‘s just a shame the Irish have control over Liverpool, and England has been banished to Spain. That reminded me of a LOT of English songs actually. Just a same they‘re not in Andalusia.

How do ya like me Nau? In all seriousness, the best thing this miniature armada could do is sell exotic goods. Don‘t try to invade a country with Artillery, folks.

The Ayyubids attempt to recapture Bilbais. I don‘t fancy their chances.

The terrible Sibir snow cities seem to be in a good position to conquer the terrible Russian snow cities. Why they‘re bothering is a mystery.

The Mughals seem to be doing quite well, despite the fact they‘re facing down rifles with swords. Must be the badass cannons. In all honesty, the badass cannon is probably my favourite unique unit in the game. Don‘t tell TPangs.

The Brazillians are coming. Already they‘re sweeping down the countryside. Your musketmen can only hold them for so long before your cities fall. Chile‘s also breaking down your door, but it‘s not your biggest concern. Because the Brazillians are coming. And they‘re going to break down all your doors. Or almost capture cities and sue for peace, which seems like something the AI would do.

The Maori have entered the Modern Era. What can I say? It‘s been said a thousand times! I‘ve already NARRATED it before! If the Maori were somewhere else, they‘d be an overwhelming force! Next to Australia? Bam! Whelmed! Simple as that!

Nau we‘re cooking with gas! They really should just trade and get out of there.

The Irish Isles. Or should I say the Icelandic Isles. Limerick falls, and Cork is soon to follow. I think London will be the last Irish city to go. It‘s the southernmost one not on the coast. Still, it‘ll fall like all the others. Unless Iceland is dumb and sues for peace. I guess you could say an Ice Age is coming? That‘s only funny if you‘re a 70‘s music nerd like me.

Finland versus Sibir. That‘s a fight I‘d like to see. I also like how Finland peaced out with two nations only to immediately denounce them.

Aah, Sweden‘s old Hakkapeliitta. The unique I‘m most tentative to pronounce. Notable in that it cares particularly about Great Generals, which the one TPangs has graciously highlighted for me is right next to. Berlin is most likely going to stay Swedish, but they‘d best get some reinforcements over near Warsaw. A half-dead rifleman isn‘t the best border patrol.

I have a lot of bias towards Vietnam. It was the first civ I ever made and published, all the way back in 2014. Now I have three or four under my belt, as well as all the ones I‘ve updated. I may prefer the Boathooks as a civ, but I still have the most nostalgia for the Watermelon Warriors. God, modding seemed so complicated back then... Oh, yeah, and they did Broadway. I can‘t think of a good pun (my knowledge of plays is very limited, I tried Saigon with the Wind but that‘s a movie) but I can imagine the Trungs in a cheesy musical. Anyone willing to fanart that? No? Moving on. TPang‘s note: I guess you just MISSed a grand opportunity :P Senshi‘s note: As people keep reminding me.

Iceland actually manages to take back Limerick. Yeah, that‘ll last.

The Buccs have finally come to terms with the fact that they can send armies off to battle without boats. Pacal should be quaking in his boots.

The Brazillians are coming. They approach ever closer. Your men are dead, or dying. You don‘t like your chances.

Kharkov is basically dead. It‘s going to fall. That one rifleman isn‘t going to save it.

Indonesia denounces Champa. A war between them would likely be an interesting naval battle in South East Asia. When was the last time that happened? Champa vs Philippines?

The Boers have a clear lead in literacy, followed by other top contenders. And Korea. And the Maori. Why the Maori? We‘ve been over this!

No surprises here except for Carthage, who seemed to have a lead in tech over the Ayyubids. Eh, I‘m sure it‘ll be fine. Tell the Boers I said hi.

Never mind, Sri Lanka seems to be thinning out the Mughal units. Also note that the infamous Sri Lankan trireme carpet is beating up caravels.

Poland steals ideas from Rome (never a smart plan), sending their last melee units out to sea. To be honest, I don‘t think Timur is as inviting as Alexios.

Limerick and Cork are Icelandic, and they seem to have a super sneaky stealth squad attacking Derry from the south. There isn‘t a music reference here. There might‘ve been one, but the narration for this slide deleted itself. Still, I like bad jokes! There has to be an invisible pun! Alright, that one was painful.

Yakutia has planes now, in the grand city of Isit. Isit is too easy to make puns with. For example: 'Isit a plane?'

The Blackfoot go after Unkpatina... with two riflemen. Pretty pathetic, to be honest.

The Swedes gather around Lodz, but the Spartans seem to have broken into Warsaw. We may have a very strange scenario in a second.

Ah, the Digger. Any Australian knows the Digger‘s tale, partially because of latent patriotism and partially because the Australian curriculum requires students to learn about Australian history, and the Digger‘s tale is about half of that. Still, they‘re cool and they get bonuses on land adjacent to coast, such as... most of Oceania.

Iceland seems to be focusing all of its attention towards the Isles, and has practically abandoned its western colonies. Lincoln does not approve of this, and denounces Ingolfur Arnarson. I can‘t wait for us at CL to finish Greenland, then the only Viking name I‘ll need to worry about is Erik.

The Brazillians are still coming, but Chile seems to have backed off...

PSYCHE! Chile rushes at Buenos Aires, getting the Argentinian capital down to half health in a single slide.

Kharkov has lost about 56% of its population, and has become a Siberian enclave. Considering the Russian military presence in the area, that isn‘t likely to change.

Yeah, you know how we psyched you earlier? Well, PSYCHE! Argentina is actually holding Brazil off pretty well! For now, at least.

Australia may be the civ we most associate with naval dominance, but Korea has the technological lead in that department, boasting submarines and now a large cohort of ironclads. I guess you didn‘t consider the implications of kettles and fridges, eh, Parkesy? Thought your Esky and billycan would do just fine?

Mongolia has numbers, but Yakutia has planes. Something tells me it‘s a bit difficult to shoot down a triplane with a crossbow.

As the icy ships march- well, sail, onwards to Dublin, Ingolfur gets cocky and thinks he‘s equipped to beat the Trungs. I mean, come on, man! Not only do they have a crazy cannon carpet, they‘re on the other side of the supercontinent!

Is this the beginning of the end for Pacal? Probably, yeah. You know, people said the Myayns foretold the apocalypse because they stopped making the calendar or whatever, but maybe they stopped making the calendar at 2012 because they got SHOT BY PIRATES?

Nau is the winter of our discontent. The Portuguese ships have either left or died, but there‘s more interesting things afoot. Canada is marching on America. A bit late to the party, to be frank. Ten parts ago they‘d be ripe for the picking, but they‘ve grown, matured. They‘re not veal any more, they‘re a fully grown bull. Except with guns.

The Boers are one of, if not THE scariest civs in this game. They‘ve got a lot of planes, let‘s just hope we‘re not the target.

Mali still exists, sofas still exist, who cares? Look in the top-right corner. Shit‘s about to go down.

Australia versus Vietnam! TPangs‘ golden boy versus Senshi‘s! Neirai was not available for comment. The Vietnamese have a better army, but the Wobbegong Armada is not to be trifled with, especially when Nam is rocking GALLEASSES. Come on! INDONESIA has better stuff than that! Also note they have IRONCLADS, so what are they doing with that.

In a typical display of Australian eldritch dominance, they beat back a few Vietnamese ironclads with a gang of Privateers. BoatCon 230 had a bit of a rocky start. There was a Lovecraft story set on Aus, right?

Yep, Britian is doomed. Where‘s your music now? Britain‘s falling, in a faraway town, Yes war was declared, and battle came down, Britain‘s falling, to the underworld And the next line of the song didn‘t really work

Sibir captures the terrible Russian snow settlements, and the screen lights up with attrition. I don‘t know what that means.

Cannons start bombing Xigase. Seems to be working relatively well, actually. Good luck getting to Lhasa, though.

Igloolik is Yakutian, cutting off the Inuit from cities such as Isit. The Yakutians actually don‘t have that much naval presence in the area, so that was a wise choice.

The Blackfoot seem to be doing some damage to Itazipcho, although they‘ll need to pilot a rifleman through the hordes of Canadian ranged units to take it.

Carthage and the Ayyubids make peace, both conceding they‘d rather fall to the Boers. Scarily enough, the Ayyubids actually almost recaptured Bilbais. Using Crossbowmen.

Lodz takes damage, but the Spartans take a small mountain pass into Warsaw. The battle for the Polish capital seems not to be over.

What? How aren‘t they dead yet! I wrote a song and everything! Napoleon was so cocky he even brought a worker in to get a head start on building improvements! How dare you try to prevent your own death, Lizzie? Did you make a trade agreement with the devil?

The Boers denounce Australia, probably due to choice of headgear. I‘m siding with Aus in this one. Don‘t get me wrong, I like the swanky Commando slouch hat, but the upturned Digger slouch hat is cooler.

Vietnam seems to be defending pretty well from Australia, while dealing some damage to Tibet. They‘re doing great and I‘m totally not biased.

The USSR has come back for revenge! If it weren‘t for the conglomeration of Sibir artillery, I‘d say they‘d have a damn good chance at recapture.

Eh, they‘re BASICALLY dead now. Knights aren‘t exactly known for their talent at capturing cities.

Cork is retaken, but the Ice has spreaded to the south. It won‘t be long until we have to stop calling them the Irish Isles and instead refer to them as the Icy Isles. I really hope Ireland recaptures now.

BoatCon 210 takes place on the border between Harrismith and Axum. Note the lack of Vietnamese attendants.

The Champa reach the Industrial era, and immediately start getting gatling guns. See, Vietnam, THAT is how you upgrade.

And, lo,Byzantium falls. Still, there are a few triremes! They have a chance! Well, not really, but we can dream! RIP Alexios 2015 - 2015

Buenos Aires looks close to falling. It‘d help if Chile had any nearby land melee units.

America has basically negated Canada‘s army. Impressive.

Itazipcho is under Blackfoot control, and, far from being a simple observer, Australia is blocking a strategic tile. Come on, dude, if you want to observe build a submarine!

Finally! That took too long! Oh, yeah, rest in peace and stuff. F. I kind of feel bad now.

And Buenos Aires falls to Chile! Doesn‘t seem like it‘ll be easy to take back, as well. The Brazillians look as if they‘re coming from the north. It seems Argentina may very well suffer the same fate as a certain OTHER gold and light blue civ.

No rankings this time, but we have a religion overview! Catholicism is in the lead, followed closely by Judaism. All the other religions are roughly the same, except Islam, which needs no introduction.

p>And the grand map, a portal into an alternate reality where the Sioux dominate America, Hawaii dominates South East Asia, and the Philippines live on in Europe, brings this part to a close. I‘ve been Senshi, and I‘d just like to say, sorry for the delay, and sorry for the narration. As a parting gift, I‘d like to give you some backstory: Colonialist Legacies | TPangolin: Available to emergency narrate? :/ S. Denshi, P.I.: Yeah, I‘m free Colonialist Legacies | TPangolin: Awesome