Part 50: Mali and Me

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Welcome one and all the Civ Battle Royale‘s 50th Birthday! Like all good birthdays, I can only hope this will be filled with excitement, surprises, and widespread thermonuclear destruction. I‘m u/PablodiSplooge, and it‘s my pleasure to be guiding you anonymous internet strangers through this very important installment of everyone‘s favourite legal high. Pride of place on our titlecard today goes to this beautiful illustration by u/Jru247.

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The usual fantastically detailed city map - brought to you by u/LacsiraxAriscal and u/Malistrassa - shows us the current state of the world.

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At the end of the last part, the mighty Power Ranking Oracles awarded the Boers the top spot by virtue of their immense technology lead and impressive military. With new transcontinental wars breaking out left, right and centre, will they do enough this part to retain their position? Here are all of the Official Power Rankings: #0'>https://imgur.com/a/iNUKH/layout/horizontal#0

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Squadrons of helicopter gunships patrol Korea‘s newly-acquired borders, sending reports back to Seoul of a vast Vietnamese force amassing near... well, everywhere. The Trung Sisters insist that their troops are merely passing through.

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At the western edge of the Vietnamese empire, the Trung Sisters continue their assault on Jalalabad (Afghanistan). Although Vietnam possesses an overwhelming force of paratroopers, many of the Afghan cities in this region are firmly entrenched in the Himalayas and backed up by artillery. This could be an unnecessarily drawn-out and bloody conflict for the Trungs.

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In South America, pillars of smoke hint at just how much of the fighting took place on Chilean soil in the last part. The recently ended war cost both sides dearly, as can be seen by the relatively thin armies on either side of the border. Although greatly weakened, Chile still has complete naval dominance of the area.

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A brave Inuit settler decides to make a new home in the flaming nuclear hellscape of Chukotka. Apparently he is as unphased by the prospect of radiation poisoning as he is by the nearby Yakutian bazooka.

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Mirwais Hotak (Afghanistan) defiantly completes the Kremlin as a massive middle finger to the tide of Autocratic empires across the globe. The +50% production bonus to armor units may help him beef up his defensive force against the invading Vietnamese.

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A fleet of Buccaneer ships moves inexorably towards Mali. Sources confirm that their words are indeed backed with nuclear weapons. In another part of the world, Sri Lanka and Champa make peace.

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Chile takes advantage of its new North American holdings to begin trade with Europe. We can also catch a glimpse of the disparity between Inuit and Canadian forces in the area, as power armor infantry face down machine guns and paratroopers.

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Moroccan ships surround Carthage‘s capital and only remaining city, as the last remnants of the Portuguese army look on from the island of Sardinia. The city looks set to fall very soon.

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Half a world away, Chế Bồng Nga (Champa) finds himself in a very similar situation, with the city of My So‘n on zero health and Vietnamese units closing in. Unless something drastic happens, we could be looking at at least a double elimination this part.

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The Stop Online Piracy Alliance (SOPA) continues as Australian privateers re-engage Tulum, but the majority of Parkes‘ navy watches on from the sidelines. What could they be waiting for?

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As expected, Yakutian forces seize our brave Inuit settler, who immediately gives up on his dream of founding a new city and decides to try out a new career in manual labour. He‘ll probably be set to work in the Yakutian city of Talayoak on that island to the north. Or at least he would have, if it hadn’t just been NUKED OFF OF THE FUCKING MAP.

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An impressive string of citadels allow Spartan units to walk from Dvin right to the gates of Jerusalem (Armenia) without ever stepping outside. Dvin‘s recent conversion to Islam can mean only one thing... the Party Prophet has partied his last, and the last of the Ayyubids has left this world :(

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Here we can see the full extent of the fleet that Henry Parkes (Australia) has committed to SOPA, which includes a captured Buccaneer corsair. In other news...

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Champa has been eliminated by Vietnam, finishing 36th in the Battle Royale, and the last Champan rifleman considers his options. Should he stay fortified and die at the hands of the Trungs, or try and retake the city and die even faster? Beginning the game with a power ranking of #58 due to their unenviable start location and fierce local competition, they‘ve done very well to make it this far in a war-torn world. At their time of elimination, the Champa were sitting pretty on a treasury in excess of 800,000 gold - almost 500,000 MORE than the closest competitor, Australia. Old Chế Bồng Nga must have been doing something right; sadly, that thing was not war. Farewell, My So‘n.

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In the very same turn, Hannibal‘s empire crumbles as Carthage is captured by a Moroccan privateer. We‘re not even 20 slides in and two civs have been eliminated. TPang pls, I can only get so erect.

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Babylonian spies report that Gustavus Adolphus (Sweden) is hell-bent on wiping the Spartan empire off the face of the earth, while rumours abound in Sejong‘s (Korea) imperial court of a potential war with Sri Lanka.

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The Australian fleet continues its war on piracy but has yet to make any ground. Tulum is dangerously close to falling and privateers have taken Corihuayrachina into the yellow, but for some reason Parkes is reluctant to bring his battleships within firing distance of either city.

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The Inuit appear to have taken Isit with an advanced destroyer and immediately negotiated a peace treaty with Yakutia. This has been a long, bloody, and particularly nuclear conflict which saw the complete and utter destruction of a number of Yakutian cities. Perhaps this will give both sides a chance to lick their wounds.

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Back in the Pacific, Parkes (Australia) tries to take Vitcos from the Buccaneers with one of their own captured ships. You got some balls Parkes, but I don‘t think it‘s going to be enough.

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In Asia, Afghanistan retakes Balkh from Vietnam, while to the north Jalalabad is brought into the yellow.

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Kamehameha (Hawaii) pressures his military scientists to develop more potent weaponry to combat the growing Wobbegong threat. They respond by successfully testing a weapon that requires resources that cannot be found anywhere within the Hawaiian empire.

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Brave Carthaginian forces retake their capital, only to have it immediately captured again by Morocco, leaving them at a respectable 35th place. Carthage has certainly been one of the more entertaining Civs to watch, somehow managing to take cities from the Ashanti, Sparta, Ayyubids, Morocco, Rome, Portugal, AND Kongo, despite prioritising elephants over things like education and science.

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Intercepted communications from high-ranking officials in Stockholm reveal that war could be brewing between Sweden and France. Any conflict between these two Civs would likely be very one-sided.

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The mountainous terrain is making progress difficult for the Trungs (Vietnam) but Balkh has been retaken and Jalalabad finally looks close to falling.

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Aaaand there it goes. The mountain stronghold of Jalalabad is taken, and fresh Vietnamese forces drop in near Kandahar (Afghanistan).

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When half the world declares war on you, and you‘re sailing to a war within spitting distance of the single most technologically advanced army on the planet, there‘s only one thing you need to remember: bring nukes. Henry Morgan knows this.

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At this point it‘s worth recapping the expanded Future Worlds tech tree, where the next major milestone is Microscale Engineering. No prizes for guessing who could have already unlocked this technology.

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As if there was any competition. The peerless Boer military now includes advanced destroyers, power armor infantry, drone fighters, and mech artillery. Oh, and this new thing just south of Ulundi called...

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A GIANT DEATH ROBOT. With a combat strength of 150, the Boers are truly cementing their position as the world’s uncontested military power. The notifications bar reveals that Afghanistan has made peace with Mexico, and the SOPA initiative has already begun to break apart - both Yakutia and Armenia lose interest in the war on piracy and make peace with the Buccaneers.

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Here we see the Icelandic territory of Greenland, populated by copper mines, communications arrays, and the world‘s loneliest great musician, prowling the frozen wastes in search of an audience.

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Covered by a relentless downpour of artillery fire, Afghan infantry have retaken the city of Jalalabad - although it’s unlikely that they will be able to hold the position for long. Vietnam appears to have consolidated their position around Balkh to the south.

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The Boer army in Yakutia is getting completely out of hand. Rumors have begun to spread among the population as to the true intentions of these supposed ‘peacekeeping‘ forces, and the political situation remains tense.

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The Australian fleet continues to excel at not taking cities, and the Buccaneer defensive force has done a fantastic job of eliminating every unit capable of melee combat. Henry Morgan is earning a reputation as one of the world’s foremost naval tacticians.

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In the Atlantic, shit gets real as a Buccaneer atom bomb brings the city of Tombouctu (top of screen) down to 8 population, and a Super Star Destroyer approaches the Malian coast. On the bridge, a commander questions whether or not they should begin the assault on the coastline. The Admiral straightens his moustache. 'Garr, I have me orders from Emperor Morgan himself. He has something special planned for ‘em - we only be needin‘ to keep ‘em from escapin'.

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Jalalabad is captured by Vietnam once again and looks set to stay that way. A large contingent of Vietnamese paratroopers drop in around Kandahar, effectively bypassing the awkward Himalayan terrain and posing a serious threat to the Afghan core.

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The revived peoples of the Sioux nation deploy their first military unit - a Longswordsman - allowing them to put up as much resistance as wet paper bag if any one of their neighbours were to declare war on them. The World Congress decides that Finland and Ethiopia should be punished for their war crimes, and place embargoes on both nations. Although this is unlikely to have much of an economic impact on either of them, they should hope that this is not an early indication of greater conflict - particularly Ethiopia, with its proximity to the world‘s most dangerous military force.

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Military presence in Ethiopia‘s newly-acquired north African territories is looking worryingly thin. If the Boers were to declare war right now they would cut through Ethiopia like a giant death robot through butter.

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To the south, more Buccaneer atomic bombs are dropped on the Mali capital of Nyeni, and the first infantry units make landfall on the coast. Previously Nyeni had a population of 28, which leads me to believe that two atom bombs have been used on the city since we last saw it.

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While nuclear war breaks out on their doorstep, the Boers still find time to complete the Orbital Refinery wonder. Not only does this grant them +2 production from every factory and nanomaterial plant in the empire, it also provides 12 nanomaterials for even more of those Future Worlds units. This could prove to be a vital investment for the Boers, who had begun to fall way behind the Inuit, Sibir and Australia in terms of production output.

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Both Peshawar and Kandahar (Afghanistan) are brought into the yellow by Vietnamese paratroopers. Afghan forces are starting to look incredibly thin on the ground.

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Back in Europe, Sweden enters the information era and has made a respectable semi-carpet. Still, there is a stark contrast in technology levels between them and their neighbour, Finland. Gustavus Adolphus (Sweden) may want to think twice before acting on either of his earlier plans to invade France or Sparta - those warmonger penalties could trigger a Finnish invasion.

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Communications arrays and power armor infantry litter the Inuit countryside, highlighting the technology gap between them and the increasingly outdated Canada.

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The assault on Mali continues as the Buccaneers drop yet another atomic bomb, this time on the city of Ka-Ba.

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Sejong (Korea) joins Gustavus (Sweden) in plotting against the stunted state of France, while a lone Portuguese privateer attempts to retake Funchal from the Buccaneers. Will they succeed? No, of course they won’t.

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The last Portuguese Nau, with no purpose or mission surveys a sizeable - but seriously outdated - Spartan navy. If Sparta was to attack Ethiopia right now they may be able to make some major gains - but at the price of bringing them closer to the formidable Boer war machine.

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The Australian forces just can‘t catch a break, and have yet to take a single Buccaneer city despite dealing heavy damage to Tulum, Corihuayrachina, and Vitcos. All three of these cities have suffered population loss, but this appears to be from starvation as opposed to flipping.

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Despite their impressive performance in the Pacific theatre, the Australian lag in technology is really starting to show. You‘re not going to win wars with caravels and musketmen anymore, Parkes.

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The Kimberley have done an impressive job of rebuilding their navy, but to what end? Surely it‘s only a matter of time until Australia or Vietnam put them out of their misery.

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Henry Morgan (Buccaneers) drops yet another atom bomb on the Mali capital of Nyeni, causing substantial damage to the enemy army in the process. The Buccaneer navy moves in for the kill, but don‘t seem to have brought along many land units capable of taking the fight inland. Morgan has also managed to secure a peace treaty with Korea, in spite of - or perhaps as a result of - earning a reputation as one of the most nuke-obsessed warlords in the world.

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The Buccaneer‘s European holdings look to be very thinly defended, however. Luckily for them the only civs in this region are very weak and/or sleepy. In the mediterranean, our intrepid Portuguese privateer appears to have been destroyed.

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Kandahar is brought down to the red and looks ready to be taken. The loss of this city will be a severe blow to Afghanistan, placing Vietnam in striking distance of their capital, Kabul.

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Buccaneer coastal cities continue to hold against the Wobbegong assault, although their South American inland holdings are very sparsely militarised. With their majority of their navy distracted by Australia to the west and Mali to the east, this could be a prime opportunity for Brazil to strike back.

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Instead, Pedro II (Brazil) makes peace with Mexico and goes to war with Texas. Canada joins in, but looks poorly equipped to take the city of Houston.

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In this corner of the Boer empire alone I count no less than five GDRs. Although Paul Kruger‘s war on piracy has been purely symbolic so far, if the Buccaneers start taking nearby Mali cities this could be enough to stir them into action.

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As expected, Kandahar falls to the Vietnamese paratroopers, and Afghanistan has very few melee units in the area to reclaim it.

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The Buccaneers are just playing with Mali now, as they drop a fifth atom bomb on Yeji. The remaining population must survive by eating dangerously irradiated olives from the local plantations.

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One of our spies reports in from Hanoi. It appears the scattered remnants of Mao Zedong‘s (China) army are attempting to spread anti-Vietnamese sentiment across Sibir. The Trung Sisters (Vietnam) plot to remove the red army from the world once and for all, before Mao can turn Sibir against them.

61

In one of the most tragic screenshots I‘ve ever seen, a single damaged Maori submarine and its cold, nationless crew sit beneath the arctic ice sheets. With no hope of repair, and less chance of sniping a city than even the Last Legion, they silently await their death. The Inuit Ice Sheet Fleet is truly terrifying - if only it could move somewhere useful.

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France proudly announces to the world that it has entered the modern era. With five whole battalions of Great War Infantry, they are ready to take on any and all would-be invaders.

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Here we see New Finland graciously playing host to visitors from Sri Lanka and Afghanistan. They‘ve even temporarily painted some of their cities in olive green and red to make them feel more at home.

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The number of Boer and Finnish units in Yakutia is just ridiculous. The lack of space must be making it virtually impossible for Yakutia to coordinate any kind of attack or defence against their enemies.

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In an effort to manipulate events in Oceania, the Inuit declare war on the greatly diminished nation of Kimberley.

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The Inuit ploy immediately takes effect. Sensing a chance to gain favour with one of the world‘s major powers, a team of Champan lancers also declare war on the Kimberley.

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Morgan, pls stahp. The relentless Buccaneer assault on Mali continues as atom bomb number six falls on Gao, and Bamako and Yeji enter the red. If my calculations are correct, somewhere in the region of 21.5 million innocent civilians have been killed by nuclear blasts in this war so far. Surely there will be some major repercussions against the Buccaneers for this?

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In a bid to improve relations with the Inuit, Brazil also declares war on Kimberley.

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After years of fighting, Australia finally takes the island city of Tulum from the Buccaneers. If they can hold it, this could be a useful base of operations for further attacks on the South and Central American coast. If they can make it as far as Nassau (the BR equivalent to the real-world Panama Canal), Australia could begin to extend the reach of its navy beyond the Pacific.

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Both Yakutia and - closer to home - Sri Lanka, declare war on the Kimberley. Shots are already fired between Sri Lankan and Kimberley forces, and Denpasar (Kimberley) is taken into the yellow.

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Sri Lankan forces engage the Kimberley Antarctic settlements, but the Kimberley seem to have enough naval strength in the area to hold off the attack. In other news, Afghanistan makes peace with Canada, deciding they have bigger, more Vietnamese problems to worry about.

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A Buccaneer infantry unit captures Yeji from Mali, and at some point yet another atom bomb appears to have been dropped on Ka-Ba. In one of the most shrewd diplomatic moves to date, Henry Morgan (Buccaneers) decides this is the perfect time to negotiate a peace treaty with the Boers. This means they can continue to nuke and capture their way through Africa without having to worry about a Boer declaration of war for the immediate future. You sly dog, Morgan. Finland also declares war on Chile, although his motives for doing so are not immediately clear. I have no doubt that it‘s all part of the Kekk‘s master plan.

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Hearing that nuclear war is all the rage nowadays, Gustavus Adolphus (Sweden) decides to construct some of his own shiny new atomic bombs. It‘s unclear yet whether these are destined for Sparta, France, or perhaps purely to act as a deterrent to the more powerful neighbouring nations of Iceland and Finland.

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Sibir develops an impressive carpet to rival even the Fins, and Sejong plots against Persia. Mad with power from their latest conquests, the Trung Sisters (Vietnam) seek to find a way to bring Osei Tutu I (Ashanti) back to life just so they can kill him again.

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Looking back at our spy‘s reports for this part, it‘s encouraging to see that some of the world‘s current powers are doing everything they can to take down the greatest threats of our age - many of which don‘t even own any cities.

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Recruits Em, Ishtar and Semiramis receive their new orders and board the next flights to Santiago de Chile (Chile), Jokuskai (Yakutia) and Colombo (Sri Lanka) respectively. I’d love to know what’s going through Trigger Darkhan’s (Yakutia) mind as his once-mighty empire plays host to the combined armies of the Boers and Finland.

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Catholicism and Judaism continue to hold the top two spots for religious influence, and it‘s good to see that Islam is holding strong in Dvin at the end of this part - the Party Prophet’s sacrifice was not in vain.

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The religion map shows us that Catholicism and Buddhism are the only two religions with potential to naturally expand to atheistic cities in South America and Oceania, respectively. And that‘s all she wrote, folks! I hope you‘ve had as much fun reading this as I have writing it. It‘s 6am in my timezone and all these nukes have made me particularly sleepy, so until next time: Shine on Henry Morgan, you magnificent nuclear bastard.

Part 50: Mali and Me – mk2

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