Part 53: Colombustion

1

Greetings boys and girls! My name is u/theutterchrisp and after a long hiatus I’m back to bring you another part of the great Civilization V Battle Royale! Do you find yourself desperately wanting more blood, sweat, drama and rightfully so? Good, because here it comes! Last time on the Battle Royale, major developments included the beginning of a very one sided war for Hawaii, who subsequently ended up defending itself (rather poorly) against allied Blackfoot and Chilean forces. In addition, further happenstances featured the ongoing Kimberley/Sri Lankan war which had received a boost from Australia’s own Henry Parkes. But what are we waiting for? Exposition only serves to get in the way of some good, old-fashioned violence! Titlecard by the amazing environmental artist /u/NickJizba!

2

Before we begin, take a moment to appreciate the hard and brilliant work put in by u/Malssistra and /u/LacsiraxAriscal for this rather fantastic map of the contemporary world. Be sure to take a moment to appreciate it in its full resolution, if only because the web of time continues to weave, and the world shall never look the same again.

3

When children are naughty, do their parents ever consider grounding them, threatening them with a lump of coal from Santa, or serving them less treats? Not so! Instead, children bed-wet all around the world thanks to horrifying old-wives tales of Paul Kruger, the Boergyman, an eternal cyborg demigod who lives in your closet or under your bed. As the old couplet goes, Swear allegiance to orange and blue, else the Boergyman is gonna get you!” Shoutout to the Power Rankers for all of the utterly awesome work and analysis that they do! Here‘s a link to the full analyses: http://imgur.com/a/YUdXr/layout/horizontal#0

4

And we’re off! Firstly, we’ve been treated with an aerial shot of the Iberian Peninsula. Things seem largely peaceful around here, if a little congested, with a noticeable Spartan presence in the Mediterranean sea and at least ten aerial units, bombs notwithstanding, stationed in the Buccaneer city of Coimbra. Of special interest here is the visibility of Vietnamese units in Pirate occupied territory. All seems nice and cordial for now, but this serves to prove that the Trung Sisters (of Vietnam) apparently have the ability to project power onto the opposite side of the Eurasian landmass. Relax everyone, maybe they’re friendly. Who wants a fun fact about irl Henry Morgan? Gonna be presumptuous and assume that most of you said yes. Mister Morgan, like myself, was Welsh! Sit tight, England, Ireland and Scotland, our home isles may be occupied, but it looks like Captain Cymru has got you covered.

5

Trouble in paradise? It would certainly appear so, as Hawaii continues to exist under grave threat from the Chilean Backdoor Squad and the Blackfoot Stompers (patent pending). All Kamehameha (of Hawaii) has in terms of defense appears to be a miscellaneous assortment of great people, settlers and workers. That may work when colonizing the Americas, but it certainly isn’t going to protect the Polynesian homelands. They can take some comfort in the fact that, at least for the moment, the Partition of Paradise appears to have come to a halt. Despite Hilo and Kailua-Kona falling dangerously into the red, enemy forces forgot to bring melee units to a siege fight.

6

Just north of the Indian subcontinent, the very bloody Afghani-Vietnamese conflict rages on in an apparent stalemate, with four cities up for grabs but with no way for either side to break the line yet. The Vietnamese have the distinct technological advantage here, and who could blame them? Being an expansive empire which borders Australia, Korea, Yakutia and somehow, Finland, means that they really have to stay on their toes to maintain their impressive geopolitical position. Speaking of the Finns, notice their enclaves amongst powers many miles away from their capital. The Finnish carpet actually appears to dwarf anything that Afghanistan or Sri Lanka could throw at them, putting them in a great position to expand down here rather than the absolute militarized death-lands that are Northern and Central Europe.

7

We are the Boer. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile. Domo Arigato, Mister Roboto. I remember missing the fact that the Zulu had finally invented the Impi when I narrated last, and now here we are with a bloody terminator squad staring down the Ethiopian capital. Requiring no pre-requisite resource to build, with a combat strength of 120 and a movement speed of 3, these particular Backstreet Boys are certainly not “alright”. They’re actually tremendously scary. Upon hearing such news, Haille Sellasie (of Ethiopia) decides to fight fire with fire, and asks his most trusted scouts to locate Christian Bale. “WHERE IS HE?!” he screams.

08

Congratulations to Kamehameha! Watching the bloodletting and naval battles rage from outside his emergency home in Hilo, the science advisor comes stumbling in, falling over his robes. “Sire, sire, we have entered a new era of information!” the scientist beams. “Fantastic news! Pray, what have you got for me? Chariots of fire, an army of predators, or a god damned proficient navy?” asks Kamehameha. “Well... we certainly discovered something sir,” the scientist says, shuffling awkwardly, taking a sudden interest in inspecting the area around his feet. “Well?! Spit it out, man!” shouts the Hawaiian leader. “Well we did the equations, sir, all the variables (Y and Z), pitted against us (X).” “What did you find out?” “I’m sorry to say, but it turns out that in this case sir, X equals Fucked.” “Now that’s efficiency,” grumbles Kamehameha.

09

A look now at the Sioux city-state of Mdewakantonwan. Sitting Bull (of the Sioux) appears to be keen to just sit tight, start global foreign wars by proxy, build up an army (now featuring musketmen!) and scoff at the completely empty Mexican enclave of Fort Howdtheygethere. When it comes to fort-play, it’s also of note that Sitting Bull has no less than two stationed right on the border of the hilariously named Mexican (former Sioux capital) city of Hunkpapa. I’ve been called that before.

10

The Inuit, a country whose fastest growing exports include snowglobes, fish and active nuclear weaponry. A look now at the easternmost holdings of the mighty, frozen and trigger happy Inuit Empire. Even here, in arguably the quieter parts of the Inuit homelands, we see a formidable fighting force comprised of Power Armour Infantry and a threatening looking navy. Easily the uncontested military power of Northern America, it’s only a matter of time before they swing their attention to the rather upstart Blackfooters, who also appear to have spent a little bit of their pocket money on boomsticks and parachutes. That’d be a battle to watch. No one mind the Aussies, they’re just passing through.

11

In the grim darkness of Northernmost Siberia, the Yakutia/Sibir nuclear war rages on, now with more Power Armour, fallout and radioactive Yaks. Now that the Boers have left Yakutian territory, a gigantic handicap on the former sleeping behemoth has been lifted. To my knowledge, Yakutia has always had a strong core and a good economy, so they should be churning more and more units out. However, the inherent flaw in this war is the sheer inaccessibility between the two empires clashing swords. Thanks to a Swiss Genghis Khan, who has chosen to help neither side and remain aggressively neutral, a narrow mountain pass situated next to a lake is the only pathway between the two gargantuan nomads. Narratively speaking, that’s pretty freaking badass, in a game setting, it’s a pain in the arse. One or both of these belligerents need to seriously invest heavily in some paratroopers, or at least gunships for unit control.

12

Colombo has fallen! The former enemies, Australia and Kimberley, now find themselves in an alliance of convenience against the reddish-menace of Sri Lanka. Australia is showing more and more that it’s capable of modernizing its navy. Perhaps not up to the standards of the Boers or Buccaneers, but they’ll get there eventually. Their insistence on using wooden boats for the longest time has been a severe thorn in the mighty kangaroo’s side, so this war on Sri Lanka may teach them some valuable lessons. Or maybe Henry Parkes is just a renaissance romantic at heart. I doubt it. As an aside, if this slide is to be believed, Henry Parkes is currently “technically winning”. Props to Australia in their reverse colonization of the rest of the world, which is a charming bit of historical irony.

13

“An act of war on Babylon?!” screams The Daily Rag. Probably not, but due to the Aussie conquest of Colombo, Recruit Semiramis (like Ramis, but only half the fun) has had to flee back to the mysterious Babylonian submarine. The spies are fascinating to me, omnipresent, eternal watchers of the world, in war and peace, immune to nuclear strikes, unrivalled manpower and only vulnerable to the others of their kind. So whilst the spy wasn’t harmed by the sudden Australian blitzkrieg of his Sri Lankan home, it probably made him jump.

14

Apparently it’s “Red Week” in the submarine this time, as Semiramis is immediately bundled back off to another red nation, Morocco, home of the infamous Ahmad al-Manslaughter, scourge of the Ashanti and Carthage. I’m curious to see if they have any plots against their booty-loving northern neighbours…

15

Remember when we were all scared that Australia would wreck Vietnam? Here we have that oh-so “vulnerable” Asian empire sporting a terrifying land army and a brutal looking fleet of ships, featuring the advanced destroyer. The nearby Australian city has acted accordingly, naming itself, “Le Gasp!” …close enough. Seriously though, can we get an Australia vs. Vietnam round two? This time, I honestly have no idea who’d be counted as the underdog.

16

In the nuclear quagmire that is Buccaneer-occupied West Africa, we see more examples of Vietnam projecting their power far beyond their core provinces. The evidence of open borders between these two civilizations could be seen as troubling for some. Imagine a Vietnam/Buccaneer alliance of the pacific? I for one would love to see that. As an aside, the complete lack of Pirate workers in former Mali implies that the land is going to be tainted by radiation for a long time to come. Henry Morgan takes his policy of scorched earth very seriously.

17

Sri Lanka! The country that has become, like the appendix or a blind, three-legged dog with a heart condition, the thing that you only really hear about when something has gone horribly wrong. Things are going from bad to worse for the poor chaps in the Great Indian Subcontinental War, as the Aussie fleet moves from Colombo to the western city of Kalumnai, which, despite some defensive presence, has already taken a severe beating. The Arabians appear to have taken a keen interest in the outcome of this conflict. Note the muted Kimberley presence in the area, I’m sure that’s not building to anything...

18

Khost has fallen! The lines of the Vietnamese/Afghani war finally, and inevitably, break in favour of the Trung Sisters. Starting this game out, who’d have thought Vietnam to be the empire which broke the empire breaker? The USA and the USSR should take notes. Things look mighty grim for the Afghans, who are still struggling with two more cities dangerously close to annexation. It’s a shame that, to my knowledge, Tibet isn’t at war with them, because a city snipe there would be delightfully cheeky.

19

Whilst Napoleon (of France) sits on his tree-stump, eating from his pot of honey whilst scratching his head, thinking “ho-hum, what can I do in this round?” the Great Indian Subcontinental War continues, as Australia lays claim to the city of Kalumnai. The Sri Lankan headache doesn’t end there, as their eastern flank takes a proper battering from further Aussie forces. Henry Parkes (of Australia) appears to have single-handedly set himself up for a three-pronged pincer attack on the Sri Lankan mainland, assuming he can remember to bring any land forces.

20

Here we have most of the remainder of the Hawaiian empire. The growth on these cities is actually rather impressive considering their geographical circumstance, so it would be a right shame if something were to happen to them. Of note, Kailua-Kona is already in too deep, and it’s trying, as hard as it can, to keep up above the black, because gosh, dang and darn, it’s scared of going under.

21

Freshly leaked from the Pirate City of Nassau, a document implicating the most political elite, and biggest tax avoiders on the globe! Unsurprisingly, a northern, snowy country finds itself at the absolute heart of the scandal. Gotta love a serendipitous coincidence like that, eh? In all seriousness, this shouldn’t surprise too many people, as this basically represents a list of some of the scarier movers and shakers, who have the ability to reinforce their armies extremely quickly by turning gold into firepower, the Tier One and Two list if you will…and Mexico. Just kidding Mexico, you’re a great place. Seriously though, you’ve got an army going on there, use it! At the very least, take out Texas for the capital, or move onto Canada. Twiddling your thumbs is going to get you nowhere except eventual and inevitable Inuit occupation.

22

And on the other end of the spectrum we have a couple of nations that have been legally declared dead and hilariously, below them, Japan. Alas, until somebody puts him out of his misery, it would appear that the Meiji is doomed to spend the rest of the time in his god-forsaken lands attempting to loot spare change from phone booths and vending machines.

23

Here we’re presented with a peaceful South America. So peaceful in fact that the two previous participants in a bloody continental war now seem to be sharing open borders. There’s lovely. Now for an analysis on army/navy placement. It can pretty simply be summed up as, Chile, what are you doing? The Brazilian frontline looks like it belongs in Kaliningrad, yet all O’Higgins (of Chile) appears to be focused on is naval conquest to the west. I’m quite the quiet fan of Chile, after it’s cross continental success of the first battle royale, so to see them under such self-imposed threat here is a little bit upsetting. Don’t get complacent Chile, the Buccs aren’t Brazil’s only target.

24

The Sri Lankans strike back! In a stunning turn of events, which will totally not be completely undone oh-so very shortly, the Sri Lankans stir up some nationalistic fervor and recapture both their capital and Kalumnai from the Aussies. Henry Parkes rages, screwing up the memo and hurling the ball at the messenger’s face. He misses and hits the Kimberley Ambassador instead. Nothing lost there then, he shrugs. To the north, we see a couple of Korean Privateers. Come on, Sejong! You’re supposed to be the nerdiest, most smartest civ that there ever was.

25

Here we catch our first real glimpse in this episode of the Icelandic occupied United Kingdom – now with more Vikings. Take a look at that fleet that they’ve got going on. It’s pretty impressive isn’t it? Now compare it with say…the French’s. “Why, u/theutterchrisp, white stallion of a man that you are, would you draw attention to the French over the Swedish?” you may find yourself asking. …No reason, honest guv. As an aside, anyone want to contest London to Nottingham as the safest road in the world? Ignore the smoke, it’s just a feature.

26

And in the Oh God Why corner, the Yakut/Sibir nuclear stalemate continues unabated! I would appear to stand corrected over an earlier comment I made about the state of the front-lines, as this slide reveals that there is in fact a second ridiculously-contrived-and-suicidal route between the two nations, just north a bit of Amga. Seriously, most inconvenient war of all time? I can’t wait for this conflict to shift one way or the other, assuming it does, because both sides have committed, and in turn lost, so much to this particular bloody mess.

27

The Kimberley simply won’t stand for any Sri Lankan retaliation nonsense! Sensing their chance due to a gap in Aussie logistics and a severely crippled Sri-Lankan defense, the Kimberley navy sweeps in and nabs the capital, bringing Henry Parkes down to four total and off from the top podium. The Kimberley would do well to grab as much territory as possible before a potential round two between them and the Wobbegong. Off screen, the face of nuclear victimization, Mansa Musa, completes the Manhattan Project. Don’t worry Henry Morgan, I’m absolutely positive that the three-eyed, green skinned Mali leader in absolutely no-way bears any sort of meaningful grudge.

28

Chile has entered the information era! A thorough well done to Bernardo O’Higgins, who really needs to consider halting the celebrations and getting a carpet of powerful, contemporary units if he wants to survive the next couple of parts. Maybe I’m doing Chile a disservice, they certainly have a very capable navy, as evidenced by the ongoing Polynesian conflict, yet a hell of a lot of Brazilian cities are inland, and very difficult to get to as a result. It’s about context Bernardo, read the bloody map.

29

Great news for all of our crab readers, you’re still legally recognized by the world congress. You may want to consider a life in Armenia or Brazil, who seem particularly keen on you. I’m sure that they just want to make friends, like. Also of notice, the Blackfoot may be making a bit of leeway on the mainland, but these two island cities would need a hell of a lot more defense in an Inuit-Blackfoot war. Could the world congress consider banning wooden ships instead? Your guns may be sick Crowfoot, but your boats? Get with the times, bro.

30

Dark times for the Republic of Pirates, as word reaches Henry Morgan’s ear, through his parrot whispering timidly, that their favorite powdery-white substance is now considered a global no-no. “Arrr, it be the work of the SOPA again!” he cries, downing the contents of his tankard and staggering on deck, “they can’t be destroying us from the outside, so the bastards be taking us from within!” He immediately orders all of his scientists to begin figuring out which sweetener substitute best compliments the rum. Assuming that it hasn’t all, you know, gone. The Vietnamese also voted for the abolition of sugar. It appears that the bromance I envisioned between Henry and the Sisters is, for the most part, up in smoke. Of note, the Buccaneers still appear to have a disproportionately large amount of aircraft carriers. Could Henry Morgan be investing heavily in future nuclear production/transportation? It would hardly be a surprise.

31

An XCOM squad sits patiently on the border of Ethiopia, surrounded by fellow troops of all shapes and sizes, all of which representing a direct threat to anybody unlucky enough to share the same continent as Paul Kruger. The Ethiopian/Boer crisis is like a time-bomb, it’s coming, and absolute hellfire will rain down in its wake.

32

Meanwhile, in the ongoing tensions of Eastern Africa, a drunken Mongolian prophet stumbles around happily. “I’m a h-ho-horse arsschher,” he gurgles, “I’m g-go-goin…a shoot you. Pew pew!” He falls over, nothing appears to have been converted. Of note, some shameful Hawaiian defectors are seeking refuge, rather misguidedly, on the Boer boerder.

33

The Partitioning of Paradise continues as both Kailua-Kona and Hilo fall to the Chilean Backdoor Squad, who’ve taken full control of the invasion. Despite these recent gains, the fleet seems to have entirely disappeared, with the exception of two submarines, probably on “fog-busting” duty. Perhaps this is a sign that they’re ready to wind down the war with Kamehameha.

34

Yep! After taking the city of Mililani Mauka, a conquest which puts Chile tantalizingly close to the border with Vietnam (think about that for a second), Bernardo (of Chile) and Kamehameha (of Hawaii), shake hands begrudgingly and call it quits. The Blackfoot don’t appear to be in attendance. This was quite the bizarre war, all things considered, as the obvious winner isn’t clear. It obviously isn’t Hawaii, relegated to two separate island cities divided by Chilean occupied waters, yet Chile did 90% of the clearing up and raked up the warmonger points, but the Blackfoot nabbed the all-important capital. Chile made very large gains, but I smell a potential war between very recent allies brewing…

35

Hello! Yes, we’re the Inuit, don’t mind us chaps, just out for a casual little sailing adventure! What nuclear missiles? Lord no, these are just some of our taller soldiers in some new metal sleeping bags that we’re testing. Say hello to Pvt. Jeff and Pvt. Geoff everyone! Of note: The Kimberley better sit tight, an Inuit missile cruiser in the neighborhood has never been good news. Just ask Yakutia.

36

In this slide we see an absolute shit-ton of Nomads. Two gigantic nations, side by side, with absolute gargantuan unit counts. New Sarai vs Old, if you will. Genghis Khan has played the whole game surprisingly reservedly up to now, choosing instead, for the most part, to sit tight and slowly build up his unit count, letting the world burn all around him. He’s been taking notes from early game Yakutia. Also, like his role model, he appears to have gained favour to the idea of letting the Boers occupy his territory. He should think hard about putting a stop to that very quickly, because as we all know, they’re just going to keep coming.

37

Back to the Sibir/Yakut front, we see that not much has changed, but the people have probably chosen to live underwater. To be frank, it’s probably a hell of a lot safer. Beryozovo is in the black, whilst Amoa is in the red and Turinsk is in the yellow. This just highlights how utterly impossible it is to traverse a melee unit over land to finalize a capture. The way I see it, if the status quo continues unchanged, the only way for one side to break the front line is simply to nuke the others cities out of existence. Just a suggestion.

38

Nursing their sore arses with ice-packs after being booted out of Yakutia, approximately .1% of Paul Kruger’s forces form a proxy army in the arctic seas north of Inuit territory. Is this the first time there’s been such concentration of the Big Two’s forces so close to one another? Vietnam appears to have taken a page out of the Boer’s book, stationing dozens of peacekeeping troops throughout western Inuit territory. The bonus for the Inuit here of course is that, in the event of another nuclear war against Yakutia, the Yakuts simply cannot fire back.

39

Korea, quite the problem that you turned out to be! These chaps used to be on the chopping block thanks to Vietnam, and rather brilliantly, once upon a time, China, yet look at them now! All’s fair to the Koreans, they’ve clawed their way back from insurmountable odds, including initiating, and indeed surviving, a war against the full might of the Wobbegong assault on Japan way back when. Now here they are, boasting their prowess with their atomic bombs. Seeing as this is fully unified Korea, as opposed to Naughty or Nice, I’m not sure what to think of this. It all depends on whether they’ve claimed to have discovered the Unicorn or not.

40

In the heartland of the Boer Core, we see yet more John Connors patrolling the urban landscape. The military capabilities of the Boers continues to be unprecedented, if only Kruger would come out from under the bed and actually DO something. Also of note, take a look at the city defense numbers of Pretoria and Johannesburg, then compare them with any other foreign city in any other slide. Yeah, good luck, Ethiopia.

41

Here we have Western Australia, in formerly Kimberley territory. Note the unit carpet that Henry Parkes is now sporting. As well as finally doing a bit of work to modernize his navy, it would also appear that a lot of his Diggers are being drafted out for significantly shinier things. This is not only, I assume, because Australia is now full of holes in the ground, but also because the presence of Future Worlds improvements in the outback implies he’s finally got the technological prowess to become a bit of a badass.

42

I take back everything I said about the Boers being untouchable. Why have John Connor when you can have Wolverine like the Inuit? Game, set and match. It’s very exciting to see these two vast superpowers build up and up on largely opposite sides of the world. It’s quite amusing to note the location of Windsor in the battle royale. Having been there myself, it would certainly explain why the weather was so awful.

43

Pressure continues to be put on to Afghanistan from Vietnam as Kandahar and Lahore remain in tremendous danger of annexation. In my opinion, a surge westwards from the Trung Sisters would be the best call here, capturing Kandahar and completely cutting off Lahore from the rest of Afghan territory. As to what Sisters Trung will decide to actually do remains to be seen. to pick a side mind. Wouldn’t surprise me if Dubya Kek (of Finland) started on both.

44

Alas, Texas, here sits you with your eye-pleasingly circular city wall, looking out on what might have been, and indeed, was. Making peace with Sri-Lanka and Yakutia is all very well and good, but have you heard about making an empire? I hear it’s all the rage. My apologies for being a horrible person.

45

Now here’s an interesting development, as two countries on opposite sides of the Americas find themselves at war; Brazil vs. the Blackfoot. Whilst I doubt that Brazil, as the aggressor, is going to ever reach the Blackfoot heartlands in any meaningful capacity during this conflict, there are still a number of islands, including a tasty Hawaiian capital, dotted around the pacific that are up for grabs. From this slide alone it looks likely that Brazilian naval technology will utterly crush anything that the Blackfoot have to retaliate with, so it’s just a question of if Brazil will be able to reinforce with enough of a fleet to establish some real holdings and make themselves a regional pacific power.

46

Chile, haven’t you had enough Hawaiian pie for one day? Recruit Em gobs to the submarine that Bernardo simply isn’t done with his “Blue is the new Orange” strategy. Nobody tell the Boers, who are still busy working on their similar, “Orange is the new Everything” game plan.

47

Semiramis, still working diligently despite his name, also uncovers that the savage Ahmad Al-Manslaughter is plotting against the Mali. Talk about kicking someone whilst they’re down! This feels all too similar to their strategy against Carthage, let the big boys do the work then come sauntering in at the last second with a flag. Cheeky buggers.

48

Here we have a Buccaneer destroyer with its back against the proverbial wall. Thankfully, the Pirates and the Persians peaced out a few slides ago, so right now I imagine the privateers are all like “And don’t you forget it!” and “Yeah, what he said!”, respectively.

49

Step right up, step right up, ladies and gentlemen! Does your unit maintenance get you down? Then do we here at BabSub Inc. have the product for you; just look no further than Colombo! For only $14.99 you too can send your units into Colombo, (we call it the “Meat Grinder”) and watch as they magically disappear under the continued pile on from our good friends over at Sri Lanka, Australia and Kimberley. Say hi, Henry! The battle for Colombo continues, as it falls yet again to the Sri Lankans. Pretty sure that they’re all just fighting over a mud hut and a post office at this point.

50

Deeper in Sri Lankan territory we see a Kimberley machine gun trooper speeding inland whilst emphatically screaming out his name. “Oh my god,” says the Kimberley general, “he just ran in.” The Sri Lankans appear to have an army, but for some reason, instead of defending what, in fairness, seems to be a populous and productive homeland, they’re just faffing about off the coast, giving the Aussies and the Kimberley some great target practice opportunities.

51

Wow, that’s a lot of units. At least Vladmir Putin, a trusted advisor to Joseph Stalin, can die happy. They will almost definitely succumb to eventual Finnish or Sibir aggression, but at least the Russians got Kiev. The fact that Sibir and Finland share open borders should be worrisome for just about everyone. As some of the largest powers in this corner of the world, they’re both free to expand in different directions, seemingly without having to worry about their biggest neighbor. Of note, Sweden appears to have done droves to modernize its naval fleet. As a firm regional power, it still may be able to take on a local target or two.

52

Spot the pirate. Many narrators before me have given their very professional opinions on why the Boers have the capabilities to steamroll pretty much any nation, both in the regional vicinity and in the wider world in general, so I wish to follow suit with my best shot at an in-depth analysis on my views on the Boers military strength and capability… Run for the hills!

53

For those who missed the notification on the last slide, myself included, from gawking at all the brand spanking new guns that the Boers have, here’s a slide to show the lengthy wonder that Kruger just erected. New to the Future Worlds mod, the Shanghai Trade Centre appears to do wonders for a nation’s economy. Honestly, 1500 gold is just pocket money for the average Boer child, but the long term benefits associated with the specialists will have spawned dollar signs in Ol’ Paul’s eyes.

54

A crushing blow occurs to the Sri Lankans, as the Kimberley nab both Colombo and Kalumnai, whilst the Wobbegong crashes through Galle again. With three core cities reduced to a combined population of seven, even if the Sri Lankans recaptured everything and peaced out, it would take a fatally long time to recover fully from this conflict. Also, who was the naughty boy who dropped a nuke on Kalumnai? Own up now or the whole class stays behind.

55

Pearson is pissed! Leister B. Pearson (of Canada), has had enough of Crowfoot (of the Blackfoot), and looks to sow the maple seed all the way over to the west coast. In all fairness to Canada, they had it rough for a while there, particularly during the war against the Inuit, when they looked to be firmly cemented as “Neighbour to the Big Civ”, but they’ve staged a tiny bit of a comeback. Thing is, can they actually get that Mobile SAM dominated military through Inuit territory to Blackfoot lands? I’ll admit here, I’m way too amused by the whole idea of the “Hello! Don’t mind us, chaps!” Inuit, here in full force in the snowy enclave of Hamilton. Don’t mind the power armour, it’s just a body-fit radiator really. Honest. Meanwhile, offscreen, embarrassed by recent tax-avoidance revelations released in the Pirate Papers, otherwise known as “The List of Nassau Numpties”, red-faced as their flag, the Soviets peace out with the Buccaneers, citing something about it being Lincoln’s fault.

56

Did you ever hear the tale of the one brave Canadian soldier who, alone, stormed the gates of the Blackfoot Imperialists? What’s it all aboot, eh? Spoiler alert, he’s going to die horribly. But hey, it may answer my question, it would appear Canada may have some roundaboot method of reaching the Blackfoot, even if it does involve a lot of “excuse me, pardon me sir”s and “sorry mate,”s right the way through North America. If the Inuit pick a side this war would be over a hell of a lot quicker.

57

Here we see Aussie occupied Indonesia, and god damn, I hope you like Diggers, because we’ve got ‘em coming out the didgeridoo. Despite the obvious situation of “Sitting Christ, that’s a lot of Aussies, mate”, look at the proximity and concentration of the Australian air force to the border of Vietnam. My count is 51, and I have no clue as to how many of those are nuclear weapons.

58

Then again, If Henry ever tried a land invasion, good bloody luck. Vietnam here, and their pet Tibet, look mighty formidable with a unit carpet that would make even the Finnish blush. In terms of a land army, through size and technology, the Vietnamese look pretty damn unpleasant. Pretty please can we have that war now?

59

Here Sibir presents a further reason as to why the turn times take so long these days. With all of these mighty nations so heavily reliant on paratroopers, I’d love to see a direct confrontation between two or more. Think about it, they’d both immediately jettison all of their troops into the opponent’s territory and subsequently both be like, “shit, they’re all behind us now sir.”

60

Yet another setback in the crusade against Sri Lanka, as they recapture their capital yet again. All three sides seem to have a relatively equal military presence in the zone, so it’s anyone’s guess as to how this particular war is going to end up. Meanwhile, both the Ethiopians and the Hawaiians both decide it’s time Stalin took that stupid moustache of off his stupid face, and decide to lend a helping hand with their blades.

61

A shot now of Sparta, where the minimum entry requirements are legs that resemble oak trees. Rumour has it that the very seas are made of protein shakes. Regardless, let’s have a proper gander at the Spartan core. Sparta for me is a prime example of the historical parallel of superpowers rising and falling. Back in the leg day, every European nation, particularly those on the Italian Peninsula and the Balkans, feared where both Leonidas and his son, Leonidas the younger, would turn their grim, bearded heads. However, with all of that warring, I feel that the rest of the Spartan administration suffered, sending scientists to the front lines instead of actually doing their job, hence the largely backwards navy, and the crippling defeat handed to them by technologically superior Sweden. I don’t take joy in that, I’m a huge fan of Sparta, and I hope that they rise again. They could start by putting away that great musician, taking note of the Buccaneer fleet materializing off of Spartan waters, and upgrading their navy. They have control in parts of both the Mediterranean and the Black sea, so they cannot afford to continue ignoring it.

62

In the ongoing nuclear tennis match between Yakutia and Sibir, two more nuclear weapons appear to have flown over the rocky fence and into the respective opponents courts. The metaphor somewhat falls apart when referring to the scores, because I can’t think of anything that connects the phrases “thermonuclear detonation”, and “luv”. I assume Gandhi is the ballboy though. On the plus side, I’m sure that the average mongolian citizen is enjoying the fireworks.

63

Stalin calls foul against the Icelandic people, claiming blatant, shameless links with the Pirate Papers! “We show pesky Viking vhat is vhat!” “What would be his true motivation?” you would ask, “perhaps as part of a vain attempt to buddy up with a fellow minor European proto-dictator?” It’s funny you should suggest that.

64

Grab your weapons, citizens! Form your battalions! Let us march, let us march! May impure blood water our fields! Napoleon’s back, baby! In a collaborative effort, unprecedented in its scope, the French Emperor and Soviet President declare war against Iceland, which pits the cross-channel nations in their first proper wars in a long-ass time. I will remind you that it’s not swearing if you’re talking about a donkey. Here’s the thing though, being the aggressor, at this moment France clearly has the positional and tactical advantage. Which is good, oui? Well, yes, but it’s going to last them two or three turns maximum, until the rather large, technologically advanced Icelandic fleet comes down to have their way with them. I see this war being heavily one sided in Icelandic favor, but hey, what if the Swedes or opportunistic Buccaneers jumped in on French aid too? Stranger things have happened. Note: The first paragraph, taken word for word, is from the French National Anthem. The message is clear, don’t mess with the French!

65

The Great Indian Subcontinental War has fast become a twisted parody of George Orwell’s 1984, with three powers desperately struggling to come out on top. In the latest update, Australia retains control of Galle, whilst the Kimberley occupy Colombo. Meanwhile, the Sri-Lankans don’t even appear too bothered, clinging onto Kalumnai and finding time to declare war on Sitting Bull in the process. How is that going to turn out?

66

You thought that the Sri-Lankan DoW on the Sioux was random? Think again! Clearly a cunning bit of geopolitical chess to end up in the pocket of the Inuit, who, by the way, just declared war against Sitting Bull too. Oh dear, this reeeaaallly isn’t going to be pleasant for one of them, is it?

67

Bravely holding out with Pikemen against the incoming robotic snowstorm, the Sioux peoples begin to take a long, hard look at their bucket lists. This is kinda like watching a steamroller lumber menacingly towards a goose. Cover your eyes folks, this isn’t going to be pretty.

68

A marine and a power armour infantry lead the white walker charge against the renaissance Sioux. I have a question to those who subscribe to the whole “Sioux Leader = Jesus” shebang. Is there anything in the Holy Book that says that as Sitting Bull ascended to heaven, he was shot the fuck down by a snowman?

69

Alright, speaking of one-sided conflicts, the first wave of the Icelandic fleet has arrived to engage the French. There’s quite a nasty wooden clump for the Vikings to plow through before they can reach Hastings, but the presence of an advanced destroyer near Orleans proves that the French are already feeling the heat. Cologne is going to prove to be a very valuable asset for the Vikings in this war.

70

Colombo remains in Kimberley hands, as Galle once again falls to the Aussies. Lord knows how many men and resources have been drained in this unpleasant state of affairs. Kalumnai looks once again like it’s about to fall, and now, so does Vavuniya. If that city were to fall too, it would establish a foothold for either the Australians or the Kimberley to push further inland. This assuming they learn how to hold on to Sri-Lankan territory.

71

Already, the French Fleet appears to be scattered and fractured, almost as if Poseidon himself had offered them his hand in friendship and in return they just spat in his mouth. By sheer force of number they may be able to hold on for a while against the Icelandic fleet, but those two triplanes aren’t going to cut it, and the Vikings have a lot more in reserve… It’s quite funny seeing the Buccaneer city of Porto and its fortress applying pressure on the French city of Hastings, because it’s quite literally the exact same fight that the English and Portuguese had so many centuries ago.

72

Sandwiched in a large circle surrounded by fellow Northern Americans cheering and the Grand Mesa, a Blackfoot artillery dukes it out with some Canadian cavalry. Place your bets, folks! Someone that I haven’t spoken about a whole lot so far is Mexico, yet based on their financial capabilities I probably should, so I’m going to do that now. Mexico still holds, in fairness, a large amount of territory within the continent, and has ample opportunity to capture at least one capital, that being Austin. As I briefly mentioned earlier, the more gains Mexico could make now, the much better chance they’d have of at least enduring a spell of cold weather. I honestly think I favor their chances over the Blackfoot, as despite a slight technological disparity, they aren’t such a blatantly obvious target for the Inuit. Walk with me, Benito Juarez, the next chapter of success is this way.

73

Alright, so Iceland most definitely will get to play Odin sooner rather than later, and I’m giving no prizes for guessing who the likeliest candidate for a nuclear winter will be. Sacré bleu! In the meantime, check out Canada’s cheeky little fleet. That’s not too bad actually, is it? It’s not going to rival the Ice Sheet Fleet anytime soon, but they could certainly get up to some mischief somewhere else in the globe.

74

Brazil and Korea, two vanilla civilizations showing that they indeed have what it takes to compete against the arguably superior movers and shakers of the modding community. With a gleam in his eyes and a smile through his beard, Pedro II announces Brazil’s first successful testing of an atomic device. Whilst this may not exactly be streets ahead, it’s certainly better than anything Chile has to offer. Now that’s an army that could dominate the entire South American continent, if Pedro put his mind to it. I hate to say it, but Henry Morgan should consider his feathers distinctly ruffled.

75

In a stunning turn of events, Sri Lanka once again captures Galle from the Australians, and Colombo looks liable to flip soon too. They’ve managed to retain control over Kalumnai and Vavuniya, so is this a sign of eventual Sri Lankan success? Either way, they’ve put up a ridiculously resilient fight against the Oceanic giant Australia and the still relatively powerful Kimberley, so props to them. I’m getting flashbacks of the Philippines during the early days. Jose Rizal, God rest your soul.

76

Hawaii appears to be up to something. A super-secret mission involving a big, noticeable aircraft carrier and two fantastically loud bombers. One wonders where they may be off to, and if they were ever going for subtlety.

77

After the initial resistance begins to crumble, Iceland capitalizes on the opportunity and takes the fight to the French, not only by crushing Orleans down to half of its health, but also by landing paratroopers directly into the French core. These two probably won’t survive, but based on the land units Napoleon has at his disposal, and the state of the French capital, it looks like he may be seriously regretting his rather foolish declaration. And Moscow is apparently so nice at this time of year…

78

This shot shows more of the naval battle in full, which shows a few more Icelandic galleasses and Privateers than I was expecting. Perhaps stolen from the French? Regardless, the Vikings are backed with advanced destroyers and nuclear weapons, the French are backed by two Carthaginian scouts, taking a forlorn peek at the battle as they wonder where it all went wrong.

79

Ethiopia, who received loud and clear the memo on the need for rapid expansion, have made very significant gains of late, stretching all of the way from East Africa, right along the top to around modern-day Tunisia. As to whether it’ll assist them in the inevitable war against the Boers, who can tell, but they don’t appear to be satisfied yet. This is evidenced by a fort sticking uncomfortably right up Moroccan territory. Ahmad (of Morocco) had been planning something against Mali, perhaps he’s been pointing his guns in the wrong direction?

80

I swear down, when I opened this slide, I emitted a muted chuckle and an “awwww”. The only word I can use to describe this particular situation for Sitting Bull is, “unfortunate”. In the last of the news slides, one has to wonder exactly what the Inuit are hoping to gain from this example of “war” (sic. Pest Control), seeing as Mdewakantonwan isn’t even the Sioux capital. That would be Hunkpapa, which lies in Mexican lands and is still very funny. They’re going to rake up some pretty heavy warmonger points for this, a city which puts them in a choke point between the Blackfoot and Mexican empires. It’s possible that the Inuit are actively sabre rattling against their neighbors now, demonstrating their destructive force and daring them to pick a fight. That’d be my logic, anyway.

81

Time for some statistics! First up, we find out exactly where the people who are best at surviving in this war-torn world are located. Not too many surprises up here in all honesty, perhaps with the exception of Iceland, who aren’t quite as capable of settling vast swathes of snow as the Inuit are, but still seem to be managing. Great job m8.

82

At the bottom of the list we see some more familiar faces and city states. It’s sad to see Hawaii down here, they were so much higher in the very recent past. Japan has it rough, over 10 million citizens and not a dime between them, one can only assume they’ve reverted to bartering.

83

Every single civilization on this list is one to watch. Note particularly the top five, who still have plenty of room to expand into smaller nations without necessarily bumping heads. I’m surprised by Brazil and Finland however, I thought that they would be higher. Brazil especially seems to be a rising power, so don’t be too surprised to see them climb up these rankings before too long, assuming it kicks off again in the south.

84

Damn, I know I slated the Spartans earlier but man, didn’t think I’d see them at the bottom! To note here though, there’s still a colossal difference in size between the nations of this list, with Sparta still being approximately ten times the size of Tibet. Hawaii finds itself sandwiched amongst the civilizations amongst here too, and it wouldn’t surprise me at all to find France tumbling down over the next part or two.

85

Is it just me, or is the frighteningly large gap that the Boers had over the other civilizations in terms of military manpower getting a lot smaller? I’m a huge fan of Vietnam based on past successes, so it’s extremely cool to see them of all people be the ones to challenge the Boers directly. As a massive Buccaneer enthusiast too, this screen worries me. Come on Captain Morgan, you’re under threat from the north and the south now!

86

Bloody hell, talking about statistical disparities, look at this one! A staggering 70 city difference between first place and tenth. Could you imagine being in control of Australia? So much micromanagement, and so much set to “produce wealth”. There were no massive gains made in this particular part (not for lack of trying by the Aussies and the Kimberley), with the exception of Chile in Hawaii, who now finds itself cheekily peeping up at the very bottom of this list.

87

And finally, the Nerd Count, in which the Boers still unquestionably reign supreme. Despite Vietnam‘u2019s surge in military production, it appears to have chosen quantity to match the Boer‘u2019s quality. I‘u2019m very excited to see how a potential conflict between the two giants would play out. Well, that‘u2019s it from me folks! Thanks once again for sticking through and reading all of my rambling nonsense, and a special thanks to TPangolin and the great guys over at r/civbattleroyale for all of the amazing work that they do. Hope you guys had as much fun reading this as I did writing it, cheerio!

Part 53: Colombustion – mk2

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

08

09

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

31

32

33

34

35

36

37

38

39

40

41

42

43

44

45

46

47

48

49

50

51

52

53

54

55

56

57

58

59

60

61

62

63

64

65

66

67

68

69

70

71

72

73

74

75

76

77

78

79