Part 06: Tonight, We Dine In Hell

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Welcome back to the /r/Civ 60+ Civ Battle Royale Mk. II | Part 6! Today we‘re having /u/DemosthenesKey do the narrations. Don’t forget to ignore work and family obligations by indulging in all the hype and amazing fan-produced content easily found on the MEGATHREAD: http://redd.it/3gkegn

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Take a moment to soak in this lovely map made by SylonL (with cities added by LacsiraxAriscal), showing the state of the world as it was at the end of the last installment. Don‘t forget to open the full resolution image!

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All of recorded history to this moment, presented with hexaccurate™ precision by/u/cr42yr1ch.

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Japan holds a perilous position still. While their main island is defensible, and somewhat unlikely to fall to the dragon of China or the magpie of Korea (did you know that the magpie is Korea’s national bird? I didn’t know that. But now you do!), they remain a bit blocked in from settling anywhere, and unless some brilliant AI work pulls off military victories galore… turtling may yet be their fate.

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God, I’d love to live in the islands of Hawaii. It just seems… nice. Look at all those composite bowmen! Now that’s what I call job security. As they have a Great General sneaking around Honolulu, it’s quite likely that his name is Kamehameha, and that soon the fierce warriors of Hawaii shall swarm over the island of Japan in an ironic fate-y twist to history. Although it may not be the Eastern Lands that they conquer first, as we see....

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… Here. Hawaii wants that sweet American soil. They’re not alone in this, of course, it’s just that most of the inhabitants want it all for themselves. Mexico has gotten its spearmen together and is finally moving in on Austin, but will they actually do something this time, or just surround the walls and taunt them again?

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Here we see the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything in their natural habitat - jungling, with plenty of rum to take mid. Bucs OP, pls nerf. I assume I am not the only one wishing to see a mighty empire of black land sprawling across the Caribbean. No? No. Good.

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The pressure builds. Not the Melbourne method, Johnny! That one took hours! And will likely take hours more as Whanganui-a-Tara’s territory starts pushing up against the Australian border. A strong fleet of triemes and another settlers may be what it takes for the ol’ Aussies to lead in any potential war. But as Dracula said to Dooku - I wouldn’t count on it.

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Speaking of Australian settlers, looks like one cheeky bloke is trying to sneak past the aborigines here. Where he thinks he’s going I have no clue, especially with that Filipino settler sitting quite happily in the only strategically sound piece of empty land around. Perhaps they’re going to visit their father, or perhaps My Son. Regardless of the final location, it’s doubtless a bad idea to leave a city cut off so far from your main territory… Meanwhile... the Kimberley nab Uluru, much to the disdain of a probably lost Aussie worker on his way to the Sunshine Coast.

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Egypt/Sparta vs Byzantium: Spartzantium Harder relaunches as Egypt’s triemes try some potshots at the Kommenos fleet, and David sends out missionaries and a Great Prophet to spread the word of YHWH and to invite the Egyptians and the Armenians to his kid Absalom’s bar mitzvah. No one comes.

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Now that Sparta and Egypt have both declared on poor Alexios, Leo’s forces continue to move in on Ohrid… very… slowly… Something will doubtless happen in this war. Any moment now. Really. Meanwhile Poland sits quietly in the north and dreams of rockets. They’re all pretty sure that it’s their destiny, even after that one guy declares that he dreamed of everyone going to an alien world where there’s no religion and where trade routes on cities are limited. His neighbors quickly silence him, fortunately, and bury the body next to that one guy who said they could get to space by blowing things up.

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Maria and Elizabeth make peace, giving each other fake plastic smiles and telling each other that they’ll be totes besties now, and probably have a day where they wear pink. Elizabeth, at least, is probably motivated in part by the carpet of blue sitting at York’s doorstep.

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She DOES have an army, of course, but it’s mostly situated near Ireland (Scotland? I’ll call it Scotland for now). If England declares, they would either quickly take some Irish cities or quickly get stomped by the equally stronk Irish army waiting on their doorstep.

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Content with his spoils of the Baltimore Ravens and equally confident that he can stop any riots through good old fashioned Texan machismo, peace is made with Lincoln. Just in time too, as no one’s entirely sure if the 16th prezzie could have held off the encroaching army for much longer. It’s beginning to look like America won’t have much of a chance in this fight. Even if the Mexicans take Austin, it’s too little too late.

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Afghanistan, China, and Portugal hold the top three places in production. If China uses their power well I forsee trouble on the Asian front, and Portugal may be more of a contender now that peace has been made with England.

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Shaka, as usual, holds a bottom-place spot. The Zulus, normally such a terrifying foe, seem to be only a bunch of paper tigers. (What’s the word for a group of tigers again? A murder of tigers?) Harun Al-Rashid is also pretty unproductive, preferring to have grapes fed to him by a secondary wife with thoughts of feminism and freedom floating through her brain. Not enough to actually poison the grapes yet, just enough to ensure that his eniw and ydanrb has a little bit of eniru in it.

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Meanwhile it’s a battle royale between the Sioux and the Blackfoot! Well, since it’s only confined to one continent it’s not all that. We’ll call it a hunger games between the two tribes instead. Those catapults make it look pretty likely that we’ll see the loss of a city soon. I’m looking forward to it! Lamentations of cattle, carrying off of women, all that jazz.

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The land war of Leonidas would probably be doing a bit better if he actually brought that Great General to the front lines, but then I’m not a military genius whose men are trained like a pack of fierce animals. (Like an ambush of tigers. Did you know that the word for a group of tigers was an ambush/streak? That’s so dope. TIL.) Treibzond may be a viable target, however, if they can bring their navy to bear.

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Nothing here we haven’t seen before, so I’ll just point out that the Spartans have a settler up there for absolutely no reason. I like to pretend that he’s just looking at Poland, wondering why there’s so many people there are obsessed with balls. Platonically, of course.

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And like that the city falls! The Blackfoot have taken a Sioux city, and are growing ever closer to their capital. A strong push forward could mean a lot for them here, and possibly control over all of Western Canada…

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Old Sarai is in the red now, and will likely fall next turn. The Mongols need to turtle up and use that defensive ground they have, tearing apart the invading forces before they can get stomped.

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‘Nam’s in a bit of a bad place right now, as their army seems much too spread out to effectively fight China. Tianjin is sitting alone, but so’s Ho Lu, and the Chinese army is far more ready… Can the catapult at Hai Phong be the turning point? Stay tuned!

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Oh, Shaka. Poor, tiny Shaka. If land was a metaphor for size of certain body parts, then you would be an ironic deconstruction of the popular (and sorta racist) stereotype about African-originated peoples right now, instead of the butt of a rather ineffective joke about stereotypes. What I’m saying is that you have no land and that’s a problem. The Boers will soon be the Goers. But with an “R” in there, so they’ll be the Gorers.

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True to predictions from the peanut gallery of yours truly, Trebizond falls to the Spartans and their Bronze-Age power armor! Or more realistically, their fleet. Triemes appear to have significant city-bashing abilities, perhaps more ancient civilizations should have looked into this? Nicomedia, in the meantime, falls to the yellow - though it’s anyone’s guess whether Egypt or Sparta will get the kill-steal.

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Heh. Cute little Icelandic settler (everyone wave at the American trieme over there, give Lincoln our condolences and regards). Where do you think you’re going? My bet’s that spot with some copper ‘n sundry stuff, just below Sherbrooke. Would you watch an Iceland vs Canada-Final-Form battle? Because I would.

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Maria I, feeling emboldened by managing to stick a city next to Rome, has decided it’s time to put her big girl panties on and go for the city that was built in a turn. Perhaps she figures it’s a better idea than trying to take on France, and after all, if she manages to take some territory perhaps she’ll be better equipped to defend against the Big Blue Blob. Honestly, though, I don’t really see this in the cards for her. Rome is nearly all coast - really hard to capture, really easy to defend, and her army just doesn’t have what it takes to meatgrinder to victory. Leonidas meanwhile, decides he‘d be missing out on fun old times if he didn‘t join Maria in her quest to persecute the Romans.

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The Afghans are trying their hardest to carpet properly, confident that with enough arrows to blot out the sun their soldiers will have basically what are sunglasses, which will make all of them at least 20% cooler. Nearby Mughals in Agra scoff at this, and declare their cool-game “weak”.

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Aaaaaaand there goes Old Sarai! Will Sibit be content with a city that was so close to his territory they could smell the breeze from it, or will he attempt to cross the mountainous expanse and take more from the Mongols? They have a couple of archers and a catapult near the fresh prize, but no melee units, so it’s unlikely they’ll have a chance at recovery.

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Poor Russia looks a bit hemmed in here. They’d need an army of seamstresses to get out of it! #punoftheday

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And Nicomedia falls to the Spartan menace, which is much like the Phantom Menace in that they both would have benefited from more practical effects. With only a single trieme nearby, the Byzantines seem fated to have permanently lost a second city. We ride, Spartan brothers, we ride to Constantinople!

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And Mexico, proving once more that living on a prayer is totes better than living in cities you’ve captured, declares peace with Texas. You had in the bag, guys, and you muffed it.

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Battle erupts around Sichangu and Hunkpapa! The Blackfoot armies have taken damage - can they hold on to what they’ve got? It doesn’t make a difference if they make it or not. Meanwhile, Lester B. Pearson gives the territory a beguiling grin.

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They’ve got each other, and that’s a lot for loooooove… THEY’LL GIVE IT A SHOT. *coughs* In a shocking turnaround of events, Byzantium RETAKES Nicomedia! It won’t last long but w/e. They tried. 7/10, Participation Award, etc.

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Jandamarra completes The Oracle. It tells him he’s the wisest of the Greeks, which is weird seeing as how he’s very Aboriginal. Perhaps the Oracle was showing him a future filled with Greek migrants on the Australian Continent after a second massive world war.

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Surprisingly, Indonesia manages to spread out quite a bit in the open Oceania. Another of their settlers is floating across the seas, a gleam in their eye and their pants.

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Lester B. Pearson’s beguiling grin reaches max charge, and he declares on poor Sitting Bull. There’s not much hope for him now, hemmed in as he is by the Blackfoot and the bearers of Canifest Destiny combined. That’s a big army Canada’s got, and they’re not afraid to jam their hockey sticks where they please.

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Eh? Mexico too? Oh, Benito. Don’t you know that your men seem to have an irrational fear of ACTUALLY CAPTURING CITIES.

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Nicomedia flips again and Spartan troops land dangerously close to a number of Byzantine cities. The archers and city defense may be enough to defend properly… or it may not. C’mon, guys, you were totally awesome in that one movie! Land some more deathblows!

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Oh, my sweet sweet Buccaneers. You know I love y’all. Their navy is growing fast, and it may be that the Arrr lmao’s launch an attack soon… the rum, after all, can’t be gone forever. Offscreen, Napoleon declares war on Hitler.

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In other news, Napoleon declares war on Hitler, but this time onscreen. There’s only room for one megalomaniacal dictator with dreams of conquering Europe HERE, buddy!

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David and the nation of Israel declare war on Hitler, making my job difficult by being so inherently funny that no commentary could possibly make it funnier.

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Adolf… did you ever consider that you could try being better with people? Poland tosses a DOW, though those horsemen and warriors will have a tough time with all that Third Reich-y spear stuff.

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Norway’s starting to look a little… cramped. And Sweden’s looking a little spread out. Could now be the time for true Nords to fight? Rumors of a young man in the army going by the name of Hjalti Early-Beard are, as of yet, unconfirmed. We also see our first glimpses of the Norweigan unique Unit - the Birkebeiner! The Birkebeiner is a swordsman replacement that is stronger in Hills and faster in Snow and Tundra.

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Yakutia’s Great Wall will surely keep all invaders out, as if that blanket of an army wouldn’t have done the job. Only partially kidding, as the horde of scouts to the north looks a real threat. Heck, I’d be terrified. People who go outside for fun are scary.

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Uh oh. Looks like we may not see the fanfiction-esque triumph of Israel over Berlin after all - Harun Al-Rasid DOW’s on David, and the only defensible terrain he has is desert. Desert and scouts.

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Saladin joins him. Yeah, don’t think we’ll be seeing any of that lovely blue-and-white border much longer. That’s actually really depressing, both for historical parallels and because I think the color’s prettier than most others.

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Somehow France has already brought Cologne down to red, and their armies have almost reached Munich as well… The history books cite the French invasion of Germany as the point wherein most prognosticators and students of alternate history started taking Advil.

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The armies of Australia - Kimberley and Aussie alike - gather. We may be seeing war here soon. God help those lost to the spiders and spears. Also of interest is the Australian colonist working his way into the desert. Now that the Kimberley have managed it, it seems that they want some as well.

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Perhaps Shaka is finally tired of being at the bottom of the lists, as he’s readied two more settlers to go find some unclaimed land. Good luck with that, buddy, you’ll need it.

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War brews in Africa as well. Who shall strike first? Who first shall fall? The gods do not play chess with men, but rather a fiddly little game involving lots of dice and angry accusations of cheating, along with lots of the equivalent of handing the pieces sticks of TNT and then giggling at them.

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Bethlehem falls to yellow and the defenders of Jericho start to take damage. It’s the end of the world as they know it.

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Cologne falls to La Grande Armee! Could Munich be next? I know who we’re all rooting for! No, it’s not Hitler. Unless your name rhymes with “Evan Braun” you probably shouldn’t be.

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Is it just me, or are one-tile island cities really cute? I think they’re really cute. Oh, and in other news the newly settled inhabitants of Kopavagur say nasty things about the Irish.

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Varna will fall. All will fall before Sparta. Leonidas looks out over his territory and pronounces it good. The wolves will test the Byzantines. Born in the purple? The phalanx shall see what color they bleed.

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I’m not actually sure if what the Philippines has just done is called forward-settling, or just obstinately proving that AI has some difficulty imitating human cleverness. This could be an elaborate plot, of course, designed to either win the Domination victory or fool me into thinking that it’s not already plotting my eventual death and a more real-lifey sort of domination victory. But we’ll never know either way.

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Tianjin is almost finished protesting the wholesale slaughter of their people, which is nice as it looks like their newfound conquerors have taken the wise strategy of holding their positions instead of assaulting China with a half-dead army.

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Cologne flips back, and may stay that way unless the French army actually reinforces. For once. Hitler makes peace with Elizabeth in the meantime, and thanks his lucky camps that she isn’t Churchill.

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American Scout cannot speak any language but American, and so spends most of his time in the North confusedly asking people where the nearest coffee shop is, and complaining about why the people here cannot cook proper American food like pizza and hot dogs and Texan flags.

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The Sioux nation is currently regretting sending out so many small cities. Nothing they can do about it now, of course, as all will go to feed the Great Beast of Revelations (here known as Canada, Dragon of which is Lester B. Pearson).

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Mexico’s armies take damage, but move closer towards Sioux territory regardless. Sisselton seems their best bet, though if they can manage it Wahpekute will do as well.

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And so it begins. Constantinople, the Other Rome, begins feeling the strikes upon its walls. Those archers will make for a nasty Spartan meatgrinder, but if they pressure it sufficiently… We may lose the Kommenos family. Which I’m okay with, I personally think Theodora’s more of a cutie.

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Bethlehem falls to Saladin, and in an even more shocking turn of events, he declares upon Leonidas! Olympia won’t last long under that assault, and perhaps the Byzantines can take a breather if Leo sends troops to reinforce.

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Meanwhile, Tutu declares on Hannibal, and everyone here giggles privately at his name. Everyone else is picturing regiments wearing pink tutus, right? It’s not just me?

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Saladin, not content with warring on Israel and Sparta at once, also declares on Carthage. It’s okay, though, all the other civs are making fun of him because he’s got a silly hat.

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Armenia DOW’s on Leonidas! If I didn’t know better I’d say the other civilizations deliberately ganged up on any civ that looked likely to gain a strong advantage, like some massive socio-political representation of the metaphor about the farmer who cut down all the stalks of wheat that stood taller than the average. Ethiopia denounces the Ayys, apropos of nothing. Claims they’re secretly controlled by strange men with scales on their necks, and grey-skinned creatures with big heads.

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And so we come at long last to rankings! Leading in population is Afghanistan, closely followed by the Kanada Krew. Behind them trail, funnily enough, both of the civilizations hopping around Australia. The Sioux hold fifth place, but not for very much longer considering most of the continent is content to elderberry their mothers.

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Shaka hasn’t managed to do much with his settlers yet, and so remains dead last. Poor David isn’t much better off considering the loss of Bethlehem, and I fear shortly we’ll all have to avoid making rather tasteless jokes about a certain civ’s loss. It’s also no surprise to see Byzantium in the 8th-from-last place.

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The Kims may nearly equal Australia in population, but Australia is stronkest of civs with cities, holding 14 currently. Canada ties for fourth with Yakutia, but will likely get ahead fast once Lester’s otherworldly tentacles and disarming smile capture some more.

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Israel is ahead of Germany this time, with the rather inept Fuhrer’s leadership leaving them 3 cities and no more than that. At least if one falls, the other is likely to as well. Other civs that are no surprise to see at the bottom are the United States, Rome, and Byzantium.

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Aussies civs love their literacy, with the twain holding positions 2 and 4 in science. Lester’s leadership ensures Canada the third-place spot, while Yakutia, somehow, manages 1st. The Sioux’s sixth place is unlikely to earn them a reprieve.

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It’s a who’s who of losers down here - Rome, Israel, Germany, the Zulus, Byzantium, and (upsettingly) my homeboys the Irish. As they currently hold Scotland, I suggest an infusion of Nac Mac Feegle and kilts.

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Australia is number one in land area, with the Inuit taking second and the soon-to-be-dead Sioux holding a somewhat uncomfortable third. Everyone wave at Lester in fourth over there, folks! The Red Menance plots and plans still.

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We can be sure that no matter what happens to the Chosen People, their religion will live on - Judaism still has a massive lead over every other religion, double what the unopposed Catholicism has in the Americas. The Ayys insist that Islam is cool, but few seem to agree.

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We end by checking out the world religion map, and I end by consoling myself with the pretty blue color. I’ve always love you, Light Teal. Thanks so much to TPangolin for the opportunity to narrate - it’s been awesome, he’s been patient, and all of you are great people for making this big enough for people like me to joyfully discover!

Part 06: Tonight, We Dine In Hell – mk2

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