Part 63: Spiders, Seal Tears, and Messiahs

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Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Part 63 of the Civ Battle Royale with cheese! This is your narrator, /u/bigkr88, otherwise known as the Unflaired, because stupid reddit won‘t show my buccs flair that I‘ve been wanting to wave loudly and proudly for months. Again, this is an emergency narration, but as I‘ve been wanting to do this for a long while and I caught TPangs message right as it arrived, so, let‘s get it on! Title card by /u/Cadellinman

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Now for this wonderful hexagonal map of the cylinder, where I would like to point out just how screwed the Blackfoot are if the Inuit decide to bring the long night to them, just how many random paratrooper snipes Finland has pulled off, and how absolutely wonderful that Vietnamese/Australian throwdown will hopefully be this part! Presuming, of course, that its not a bunch of embarked land units drowning before they even see land.

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As usual, the #1 civ on the power rankings, which is unsurprisingly the Inuit, what with their zombie armies and nukes made of ice and fissionable atomic baby seal tears.

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For a new addition to the Battle Royale parts that I personally hope will be sticking around, military comparisons! First up, Australia vs Vietnam, where the numbers seem decisively in Australia‘s favor in terms of sheer military size. Remember, though, that the Vietnamese core is closer to the front line, which would theoretically allow Vietnam to bring more of their manpower to bear.

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However, Vietnam is also fighting/trouncing their weakened neighbor Persia to the west, in a fun little three way scuffle since Sparta decided to run their daily ironman marathon east. While Vietnam has not had the long distance conquests of civs like the Buccaneers or Finland, they have shown a fair amount of dedication towards taking on weakened land neighbors, and have amassed one of the more impressive contiguous empires of the cylinder, short of the Inuit and the Boers. If this war goes as well as expected, we may not be too far off from seeing the sisters invading Europe itself!

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So, all of that out of the way, lets get to some proper throwdowns! First we turn to the Persian kerfuffles, where Persepolis is firmly in Vietnam‘s grasp and Gordum and Susa, while being damaged, remain unlikely to flip, at the least not permanently. Further west it would appear that Sparta is having trouble putting together a proper offensive, on top of there being a wall of Ethiopian and Mongolian peacekeepers in the way. Granted, Persia‘s assets near Ecbatana consist mostly of machine guns and artillery with only a single great war infantry for the purposes of melee and.... is that a colonist? What, is Persia planning on burning down Artashat and planting a fresh city to fill the gap?

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As for Vietnam‘s other war, it is looking every bit as entertaining as we had hoped. Virtually all of the island cities on this slide are heavily damaged, and Vietnam‘s military access through Blackfoot seas is proving to be advantageous as we can see a submarine having slipped by already north of Baguo, with more on their way. Meanwhile, unites are pouring over the bottom right of the screen, with Diggers as far as the eye can see.

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To the north, we see more of Vietnam‘s core, and we get an idea of just how vast both sides air power is. More cities are in the red or have the pure black health bars of doom, and with Australian paratroopers on hand, we may see Cebu and possibly Vigan flip here before long. This is the thunderdome brawl we‘ve been waiting for, folks!

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This region is a hotbed of hostilities, as the teched up Koreans are fighting a two front war against the Mongolians and the Japanese, the Mongolian city of Turfan at the upper left already in the red with X-Coms bearing down on it, the Japanese citadel of Osaka being crushed by the Korean strike force. The Japanese have enough privateers in the sea to the east to potentially flip their last city a few times, but we may need to ready the F keys regardless.

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Now for a shot of the Blackfoot nation, which at this point appears strong enough to be able to resist another Mexican tequila-fueled invasion. The Blackfoot have actually carpeted fairly well, all things considered; it is fair to say that they are the new Nights Watch for the Cylinder, just without the massive wall and the Canadian stronghold of Winterfell having already fallen. So, basically the same situation smart money is saying the Nights Watch will be in come the middle of season 7. The only other thing to point out is the mass of Vietnamese units making a beeline for the North American coast and the skirmishing between the Vietnamese and the Austalians throughout Inuit and Blackfoot territory. In a match between two cylinder juggernaughts, nowhere is safe.

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Now we turn back to the Korean invasion of Mongolia, where Genghis Khan and Meiji have decided to make peace and unite against their mutual enemy, not that it will do either of them any good. Its raining X-Coms all throughout the southern Mongolian territory, with Beijing and Shanghai both taking heavy damage and looking to fall soon.

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In the north, the Mongolians are actually managing to hold the line with some success, and are actually making a push towards Guangzhou. If you look at the minimap, it would appear Osaka remains standing as well.

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Of course right as I say that, Korea proceeds to launch a fresh offensive past Guangzhou and now looks to be able to take Otrar and Turfan in the north, and Beijing in the south, with Shanghai firmly in Korea‘s hands and surrounded by X-Coms. The number of Boer peacekeepers forming a human wall just west of the doomed cities, though, will prove to be quite the hindrance to further conquests... until the X-Coms jump right over them.

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Highlighting Sparta‘s recent conquests and failed conquests, we can see that unless either Persia or Sparta commit more to the Gaza front their war will soon stagnate. Armenia is looking significantly worse for the wear, with only a handful of machine guns and a mostly pointless navy on hand that isn‘t even in the right body of water to hit Sparta when that war reignites. In the eastern Mediterranean, though, we can see that Sparta‘s navy is actually pretty decent for the region, despite a few anachronistic ships most likely due to a lack of gold to upgrade them with.

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Back to the Osaka front, we can see that Japan somehow remains alive after the initial Korean push, though Osaka is near death and a unit of cavalry is all that stands between the city and a unit of Korean railgun armor. Is anyone else envisioning a recreation of the end of The Last Samurai, just with a LOT more red mist? And hopefully with Tom Cruise not inexplicably surviving afterwards with all his limbs still attached? Regardless, in a sign of solidarity, both Sri Lanka and Tibet have made peace with the doomed Japanese, though they have declined to participate in Meiji‘s upcoming seppuku for fear of sniping the city out from under Vietnam by accident.

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So, Mongolia and Sri Lanka have decided after surviving a war that they probably shouldn‘t have that they need to flex their muscles to scare off any other invaders. They could have hit Persia, but Ecbatana is actually kinda heavily guarded and they have some trade happening there, so scratch that off the list. Sparta‘s got a truce going, Sibir is a gigantic NNNNNOPE. But, luckily, a few helpless Mongolian and Sri Lankan units were chilling out nearby, and so strongly worded letters were sent and Armenian film crews set up to shoot some videos for propaganda film of Mongolian and Sri Lankan units fleeing before the might of the Armenian military! Until the Mongolians started shooting missiles at them, that is.

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Welp, folks, show‘s over, pack it up and go home. David is now Jesus, and he plopped his holy buttocks right in Gaza, which is a war torn hellhole analogous to the modern day Gaza strip. I feel like we‘ve now officially seen everything. Gotta hand it to the Persians, though, it is a brilliant way for them to shut down the Spartan offensive, while still giving them avenues of attack through Armenian territory. It doesn‘t do any good for Pasargadae, where the weather forecast is calling for Vietnamese paratroopers all week, but one problem at a time.

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Ethiopian peacekeepers are flooding into the Gaza strip to protect their newly arisen Jewish saviour, and Pasargadae falls, splitting the Persian empire in half. It may be that the revival of David was Persia‘s last act of defiance, an act to stymie Vietnam‘s conquest westward and save Europe from the ruthless aggression of the Trung Sisters.

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Now back to South America, where short of Tiwanaku flipping back not too much had developed on this front until Pedro decided to finish off his weakened neighbor to the south! Already Brazilian paratroopers are landing amidst O‘Higgens forces, and the cities of La Plata and Castro start to weaken amidst accusations that Brazil is poisoning Chile‘s water supply with the Zika virus! Not that anyone would be surprised by such an action; in the cylinder, only the ruthless survive.

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While this is obviously a pretty one-sided annexation, Brazil may not be coming out of this unscathed. Their navy is actually mostly nonexistant, a few nuclear subs hiding amongst a fleet of embarked units; the destroyers of Chile will be having a field day, in what is shaping up to be a truly ideal blaze of glory for them.

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Back to the Vietnamese-Australian front, cities remain burning and torn to bits, especially on Australia‘s side of the conflict. Most likely due to the air force of drone fighters and stealth bombers which, based on the fact that multiple cities that have 10 air unites each in them probably explains how the Australian cities are being so badly hammered. Whangarei and Davao are both looking pretty tenuous at this point.

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To the north, Australia‘s cities are getting crumped hard, but an absolutely massive swarm of units is blocked in by Australia‘s island cities. Nearby, the Inuit look on the conflict with malice, an arsenal ship loaded with 3 ice and seal tears atomic missiles at the ready.

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The White Walkers role in the Australian-Vietnamese conflict is rather peculiar, seeing as their lands are playing host to rather meaningless skirmishes in North America and in eastern Siberia. What exactly the two are fighting over this far north is a mystery, given the heavy levels of radiation that are leftover from the Yakutia-Inuit wars from before.

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In Mongolia, the war is remaining somewhat back and forth, as Turfan in the north may flip a few times, Otrar‘s position is looking tenuous, and the Boer wall of human shields continue to frustrate Korea‘s attempts at doing a full court press on Mongolia‘s territory.

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Persia attempts to link their territory together again successfully, recovering Pasargadae, though Typhoon Trungs continues to rain on their parade. Mongolia is actually managing to get a fair number of units near Armenian territory, and with a melee unit or two more, we may actually see one of the longest distance captures with no ships or paratroopers involved.

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A shot of Iceland‘s core, consisting of Iceland, where they too appear to be suffering from empty carrier syndrome like their carribean counterpart the Buccaneers. And for the wardecs, there is Iceland declaring war on Sparta, which based on how many paratroopers they can launch would be able to chew up the Spartan interior, and... oh.... oh no... the Boers... they‘ve declared war on leg day memes.

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Iceland‘s path to Sparta is unfortunately clogged up by an absolute mountain of Finnish and Australian expats. Italy and Greece seem rather well populated, so for the moment Sparta‘s core appears to be rather durable.

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The Boers, on the other hand, have a very easy path to attack Sparta‘s African holdings, with an absolutely horrifying air force and a strike group of X-coms ready to pounce on Utique and Carthage. As a side note, I‘d like to point out that the Buccaneers are starting to populate some of their recent conquests with power armor infantry, which is actually comparable to the Boers in tech level if not manpower. Definitely moreso than the Spartans, at least.

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Down in the former Sri Lanka, the global conflict between Australia and Vietnam has another front as Vietnamese paratroopers are meeting with some success as Galle comes close to falling, though that won‘t last if Vietnamese don‘t get reinforcements over soon.

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The Boers have a Giant Death Robot in a very odd position, on the western edge of the Indian ocean. The reason... Pacific Rim 3. The Inuitpocalypse is cancelled again.

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Back to the southern tip of South America, Chile is folding like a house of cards. Every city except for Concepoon are getting damaged, La Serena has fallen, and Santiago De Chile may start flipping between the mechanized infantry of Chile and Brazilian paratroopers.

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At the Sri Lankan front, Galle and Colombo are looking rather vulnerable and the Vietnamese fleet seems to be just sitting at the sea border, not fully committing to the fight. Again, Vietnamese can make some permanent gains here, they just need to commit the manpower.

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We get a full view of the Mediterranean Sea, and as before, Iceland is having trouble bringing their full force to bear due to the number of expats in mainland Europe, and the Boers so far haven‘t pierced Spartan core. The disturbing bit on this slide, though, is Iceland having loaded up Ravenna with atomic bombs, with a very juicy Greece to the immediate south.

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Hawaii‘s conclave of Kaneohe remains somewhat stable, given that no one is actively trying to remove them from the Cylinder, but as the carrier numbers rise and the Inuit glacier floats nearby, any chance of a comeback is pointless. To the top left, you can see the Vietnamese start to overtake the northern Australian islands, with apparently few Australian melee units to contest them.

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Mongolia and Korea continue to grind away at each other, with Korea having the definite upper hand thanks to their tech. Mongolia‘s lost about a quarter of their landmass so far having Shanghai and Beijing drop in the south, Otrar and Turfan firmly in Korea‘s hands, and the Boer human chain has broken leaving Tabriz vulnerable, if Korea can slice through the horde of ranged and AA units.

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Off the coast of China, Vietnam‘s navy has worn thing, though the mass of units to the top right capturing Caloocan and coming close to flipping Manila, and the stream of units at the bottom of the slide are threatening Myson and Ambon. Also, one of Tpangs friends is playing 8-bit armies, and I was very tempted by that game during the steam summer sale.

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Chile continues to hold out surprisingly well, though as can be seen by the slowly emptying southern tip of South America its only a matter of time until Brazil rolls over O‘Higgins nation. Even if they don‘t, eventually Australia will send a big enough force to actually threaten Chile‘s west coast, four submarines and a digger notwithstanding.

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To the northwest of the previous slide.... oh wow. I‘m very curious as to why Australia hasn‘t dropped the hammer on Chile with all of this within a few turns travel. This isn‘t even purely a horde of floating infantry, Chile‘s navy is nonexistant compared to the submarines and destroyers just around Hervey Bay. Its just a matter of racing Brazil‘s forces.

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Meanwhile back in Mongolia, Genghis has actually managed to push back for a brief moment, retaking Turfan and Beijing and sporting an airforce which iiiis probably outdated compared to the airforce in China, which is approximately 4x larger in comparison on this front alone.

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Sibir‘s core, and some of Mongolia‘s northern enclaves, is looking pretty horrifying. Should Sibir decide to strike Mongolia, the war would be short, bloody, and probably the nail in the coffin for Mongolia. Right now, the one thing I feel is holding Mongolia together is the fact that they‘re taking on just Korea; if any of their neighbors who are stronger than Mongolia decide to jump in, it would be a bloodbath.

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A hush falls over the Babylonian sub Nebuchadnezzar as a Brazilian nuclear submarine armed with a zika missile passes near the mountains barricading us away from the rest of the cylinder. Do they know that they are trapped in this game for our amusement?

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In the Mediterranean Sea, Utique looks close to falling as a few teams of X-Coms clean up the Spartan units in Africa. As much as Rome and Manitea are getting hammered, Iceland‘s robot infantry is still having trouble cutting through the Spartan units, and there is little hope of timely reinforcements. I would like to also point out the beautiful Buccaneer navy, and conveniently ignore the empty Iberian landscape.

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Looking back to Persia, we see things have continued to go sour as Vietnam has retaken Persepolis and Pasagardae, and Baghdad looks close to falling to Vietnamese paratroopers. The Persian navy is trapped in the gulf, sadly unable to actually threaten any of the captured cities along the coast due to a lack of melee. Gaza and the Messiah stand tall, protected by loyal Ethiopian zealots, a beacon of peace in a chaotic world.

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Utique falls, and two more X-Coms stand ready to breach and clear Carthage. While its not the steamroll that would be expected, it is a remarkable demonstration of the Boer‘s ability to apply the military aspect of economy of force, committing only the necessary amount of units to achieve a set objective. Removing the tradition of leg day from Africa, where every day is actually Kenyan Marathon day.

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Iceland is trying really hard to put pressure on Sparta, they really are, the problem is they just can‘t throw enough paratroopers into Italy, with most of the damage being done by the decent air wing stationed in Ravenna.

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The eastern Indian ocean is seeing an escalation of arms, as Australia commits atomic bombs to the front, presumably relaying the bomb through carriers with the final destination being Sri Lanka, the ultimate final destination the bomb being the city with the unpronouncable name so we never have to attempt it again.

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A flotilla of Australian ships head west towards the horn of Africa, perhaps to strike at Chile‘s east coast, perhaps on a pleasure cruise. Regardless, they bring at least one of the dreaded drone fighters.

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The east of Lagstralia, double stacks of naval and amphibious land units, a large force of units whose battlecry of ‘THE PANG IN THE SOUTH!‘ as they prepare to strike out at Vietnam. In addition, we recieve confirmation that the lost capital is that of Chile, as South America slowly collapses to Brazil under the promise of an eternal Carnival.

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Nope, Australia was the one to take the city, with a surprise Advanced Destroyer from nowhere. While it will probably flip back, it says a lot about the lack of strength in Chile‘s west coast that a small force could take the capital. Now imagine what this war would look like if Australia‘s forces to the northwest actually attacked.

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CHARLES, GO AWAY. WE‘RE WATCHING ARMIES ANNIHILATE EACH OTHER MERCILESSLY FOR OUR AMUSEMENT. YOU ARE WHY WE CAN‘T HAVE GLORIOUS THINGS. YOU ARE THE NAVAL AI OF OUR LIVES. YOU ARE THE ROME OF THE CIVBATTLEROYALE WITH CHEESE. Also Vietnam and Australia continue to tear each other apart south of the Japanese islands, with Iloilo and Gladstone looking rather tenuous.

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A Mexican flotilla brushes past the Hawaiian enclave of peace and rum, consisting of a mix of units that would actually pose a threat to an isolated island city state. If Mexico is making preparations for the imminent Inuit invasion, it would make sense... if they had any hope of escaping the White Walker‘s naval glacier.

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Those robotic units really put in the work, with Iceland actually pushing through and capturing Rome from Sparta! Sparta has the manpower to take it back, but, the proud Icelandic droid has given Leonidas cramps. A man who gets cramps can be defeated. To the bottom left, Boer and Spartan units continue to battle over Carthage, the capital site a prize worth fighting tooth and nail and robotic appendage over. As the Boers are the ones with robotic appendages, they have an advantage in this regard.

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With that said, the Boers have not only taken Carthage, but scattered the nearby Spartan units, making any flips of the city a daunting prospect. The question is now whether they will follow through and push into southern Italy, or maintain their gains in Africa. I say its about damn time the Boers start breaking into new continents.

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South of Japan, the naval conflict rages on, with Vietnam‘s core continuing to crank out reinforcements and putting pressure on Australia, while Aussie reinforcements trickle in, including... a nuclear armed missile, presumably loaded with native Australian spiders. You wouldn‘t. TPang, your people... they wouldn‘t. Would they?

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In the world news, the ban on Jade was not passed, with virtually all of Asia amongst the major participants in the World Congress voting against it. The back and forth struggle between Korea and Mongolia continues unabated, with Shanghai falling back into Mongolian hands for the first time this part and Beijing in serious risk of falling again. Both sides seem to have not exhausted their military capabilities yet, though I will note a significantly larger number of melee units in Korea‘s military than that of Mongolia.

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The other edict was a ban on cocoa, which hits the South American markets rather hard, though humorously Chile voted in favor of it, presumably trying to give Brazil one more good bruise before the annexation is over. Australia, the Buccaneers, and Brazil are in a race to claim Valparaiso, as Buenos Aires and La Plata drop to tenuous health levels, each passing slide showing fewer and fewer Chilean units. Its entirely possible Chile may survive as a city state in Arica, but, I wouldn‘t hold out hopes of the backdoor squad pulling any miracles.

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Embarassed by their defeats, Leonidas leads his Spartans in a counterattack that takes back Rome, a line of Finnish peacekeepers making any chance of Iceland flipping it back questionable without Icelandic units with the move to reach past them. In addition, the impressive navy of the Spartans pushes back towards Carthage and looks poised to retake it, though the Boers have already begun to fill up their newest conquest with Paratroopers and X-Coms.

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Our spies are reporting back with gems like the Buccaneers plotting against Sparta and Mexico, both of which would be interesting, Sparta moreso. The Buccaneers have an impressive navy and a small but advanced army at the Mediterranean, making a strike against a weakened Sparta to take Italy rather feasible. Mexico is the more recent plot, though, and that too would be an interesting conquest, given that it would expose the Buccaneers to a larger land border with the Inuit.

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Streaming past Finnish border guards before they could ask for passports, a pair of Icelandic Railgun Armor units has taken Rome! Sparta‘s position in Italy is still somewhat strong, but it remains notable that Iceland is finally able to put enough units towards making a meaningful offensive against Sparta.

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The Battle of Valparaiso rages on, Chilean mechanized infantry finding themselves caught in the open against Buccaneer Advanced Destroyers and Australian submarines while Brazilian paratroopers hop over the mountains in mass. Can I just say, that I can‘t wait for Chile to be knocked out so I can tell the difference between their units and the Buccs? Seriously, the two helicopters to the left, I can‘t tell if they‘re Buccs or Chileans.

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A brave Persian privateer actually manages to seize Susa momentarily, perhaps in a bid to buy time for Baghdad to stabilize after the last Vietnamese wave was fought off. To the top left, Persian units seem to be retreating into the Armenian heartland abandoning Ectabana to its fate, the sign of the collapse of the Persian empire. In the meantime, Mongolian artillery continues to take potshots at Armenians for fun and profit.

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Further south of Baghdad Vietnamese paratroopers fight to keep a landing zone open for reinforcements, knowing full well one more push against Baghdad will be all thats needed. Behold, fellow Babylonians, the courage of the gladiators that fight for our amusement.

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We get a pretty sweet shot now of Vietnam‘s northern frontier and Sibir‘s south to get a comparison between the two. In terms of raw technology, Sibir‘s power armor has a definite edge, making an early conflict heavily favoring our northern friends. However, those mountains make reinforcements have to go through a funnel, making holding Bamda and Nyingchi difficult, Urgench and Nishapur vital. At this point, I will give the advantage to whoever captures Afghanistan first; if its Vietnam, they get an extra avenue of attack into Sibir‘s heartland. If Sibir, they get a wider front to fill with units against Vietnam. Way to go, Afghanistan; your one iota of importance is who annexes you first.

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That is a LOT of atomic bombs that Iceland has packing. Which means that is a very boned southern Italy. It does bring to mind, what would Iceland name their atomic bombs after? Frost giants? Ancient Inuit necromancers that are used in ghost stories to scare children? Modern Inuit ‘biologists‘? Inquiring minds want to know.

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As our final slide full of action and drama and conflict, we look to the south of Japan once more, where Vietnamese forces have captured Iloilo and look to have the manpower on hand to keep it, while at the same time sending units east past Australia‘s islands in what might be an envelopment, or at the least an attempt to cut the Japanese islands off from reinforcements. More Australian reinforcements can be seen flooding in from the south, so this battleground is nowhere close to being decided yet, but the Vietnamese have made some good headway thus far. Hidden off in the corner reveals that Australia has declared war on Leonidas! It also just so happens that there are some Australian paratroopers in Europe at the moment too. Could we see some more intercontinental sniping efforts by a leader named Henry?

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But now, join me in celebrating the return of INFOADDICTS!!!! For sheer landmass, Australia remains the undisputed king thanks to their dominance of the Pacific, far ahead of even the Inuit who have blanketed North America in the Long Night. The Boers and the Buccs are surprisingly on par with each other, while Iceland Sibir and Vietnam form the next grouping.

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Next, military manpower, where we have a few surprises, like the Inuit actually being edged out by Vietnam, and the Buccs having fallen below Sweden and Iceland, most likely due to the carriers in the Bucc fleet all being run on skeleton crews.

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For sheer number of cities, the Inuit and Australia are actually neck and neck at 103 cities each, the next cluster of civs arriving at around 60 cities each. It is worth noting the Inuit cities may actually be worth somewhat less, given Australia‘s much larger territory implying that the Inuit cities are clustered much closer together.

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And now for our city-states, Japan, Texas, Tibet, Hawaii, and the Gaza Strip, home to our new messiah David. While we didn‘t see Osaka fall yet, it may not be long before Korea knocks them out; otherwise, most of the other city states seem safe for the time being, thanks to either isolation, a decent military, or in the case of Israel a carpet of Ethiopian peacekeepers.

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The Boers, as usual, lead us in raw SCIENCE!, far ahead of the Inuit despite the White Walker‘s advantage in cities. Granted, it would appear that the Boers are actually towards the end of the tech tree, given the presence of X-Coms, so as the game goes on this science lead will probably be much less valuable.

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At the bottom of the science rankings, the civs that evolution forgot. Sparta‘s presence near the bottom shows just how far they‘re falling behind at this point in the game given they‘re having to fight groups like the Boers and other top 10 civs, and are just strictly outclassed militarily despite any local advantages in manpower.

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The Inuit currently lead the world in tourism, most likely due to their zombification of POWs who are then sent to wander the icy cold wastes of North America.

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For great works of art and culture, somehow the vikings of Iceland are on top, most likely due to rampant pillaging of the museums of civs like France and England.

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For the religion slide, somehow, Catholicism has overtaken Judaism; hopefully with the second coming of our messiah David in the holy Gaza strip, this trend will reverse.

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Finally, the world religion map, where Catholicism is seen dominating the Americas, while pockets of southern Asia continue to remain atheistic, its people obviously abandoning any faith in the gods that have placed them in this cruel cylinder. ANYWAY! Deprime the F keys people, the part is over! Point in fact, we have ended this part with more civs than we started with, praise your Jewish Messiah David! This has been /u/bigkr88 bringing you an emergency narration, I care not for your petty criticisms, and I hope you‘re subjected by my meandering generalizations and godawful short term predictions again at some point in the future. GOODNIGHT!

Part 63: Spiders, Seal Tears, and Messiahs – mk2

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