Part 79: Continental Lords

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Hello, and welcome to the thrilling /r/Civ Battle Royale! I’m your first narrator, /u/JohnRegular, and it’s my first time, so please be gentle. I’m working with Mrmac23 who will be narrating the second half of this part. Thanks as always to TPangolin for creating this series, and letting me narrate. I haven’t had a chance to look at any of these slides, so I’m as anxious as you to have a look at what is in store… Also joining us later on will be xSyracuse, The_EnigmaConundrum and Mrmac23

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… but before that, some of our fantastic OC – I’m sure you all remember losing our resident haiku master Meiji last week. The order of the rump will surely miss him, but Tygyn Darkhan of Yakutia fancies Meiji’s place at the table. If he can hold on to his last city, that is.

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Here we have the Almost Tile Accurate map, courtesy of /u/edse1991.

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… and the Tile Accurateish city map, by /u/Spherical_Melon. We are lucky to have some of the world’s finest cartographers documenting every change in the map. Study both maps carefully, as the world will never be the same again; Central America and the Caribbean in particular.

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Top of the power rankings this week is Paul Kruger. His place at the top isn’t as secure as it was a few parts ago, though- if he fails to make gains against Finland, and the Trungs or Korea wage a few well-calculated wars, our rankers may lose confidence in him. Make sure to have your say by voting in /u/unklphil’s poll, no doubt you’ll find a link in the comments.

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Onto the slides, and the Boers continue to conduct endless air raids on Finland’s Mediterranean cities. At a glance, one might think Kekkonen (Finland) isn’t doing so well here, but the Boers’ north African holdings are starting to look a bit worse for wear. To top it off, the Finns are sending in quite a diverse force in, including carriers that are actually carrying planes and their signature XCOM squads. Kruger (Boers), and indeed all world leaders, should be taking note.

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Just to the east, we can see why the orange menace shouldn’t be so confident in this war. Kruger’s forces of hovertanks should hold the line in Arabia, but the Finns have sent in a good few XCOMs to challenge them. I still wouldn’t be putting my money on Finland to come out on top, but it will definitely not be an easy war for Kruger. In the north, Armenian forces out for a hike are unaware they’re protecting the Siberian exclave of Gyumri. “Don’t mind us.” they say.

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In former Timurid territory, Kuchum Khan’s (Sibir) forces hold their ground against Vietnamese XCOM squads. Vietnam supporters will be glad to see that the Trungs have ordered a more diverse range of units to be produced, but sending them into the midst of enemy territory without reinforcements is a poor strategy, and they won’t last much longer. We’re also seeing more Siberian organic infantry; a unit that I don’t think has been spotted anywhere else. With 100 strength and march promotions, they’re not to be trifled with.

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Look at the Aussies go! Supporters of the Wobbegong might have been concerned when their allies peaced out with the Buccaneers, but at this point it doesn’t look like it will be a problem, and will just mean more territory for Parkes (Australia). Excellent use of the Nassau canal, too. Henry Morgan (Buccs) hasn’t given up just yet, though. After a few drinks, he decides the Romans will be a suitable target for their next venture- not knowing the Caspian Sea, last known location of the Roman forces, is landlocked.

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Oh my, things really aren’t looking good for Yakutia. But things could be worse right? Well, not really. Tygyn is stuck in a frozen irradiated hellhole under constant siege and is likely praying for the sweet release of death

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Ah, nuclear weapons, that’s a bit more cheery. Sejong of Korea may be running a bit low on ground forces, but his air force is strong. It is, however, concentrated in only a few cities- keeping them on the border with the Inuit is only sensible, but a lot of their western flank is unprotected. Not that Genghis of Mongolia is a serious threat right now. Vietnam is, though, and Sejong’s supporters had better hope he has a good airforce and a few more units in the south of his empire in case the Trungs come knocking.

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The Caucasus is a relatively quiet area, at least for being part of a war front between two global powers. Sibir’s core has long looked quite thin of units since their war with Finland, but apparently the green peril has driven the Khan into ramping up military production, and at least in this part of the world they look more than able to hold off the Trungs. Armenian and Roman forces dawdle around the landscape, yet unaware they’re getting in the way of real contenders. Sorry, Tiradates. You’ve done well for yourself, really.

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Korea will need to do better than this if they’re going to hold up against the inevitable rematch with Vietnam. They have a formidable navy, even if it does contain a few empty carriers, but their airforce is all in the former Yakutian lands, and they have very few boots on the ground at all. Whilst they had no problem conquering Yakutia, it has thinned their forces significantly, and Sejong will need some time to rebuild.

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Meanwhile, Mexico continue to hold out surprisingly well against Crowfoot ‘Slowpoke Rodriguez’ of the Blackfoot, although they recently picked up Montrerrey. Don’t expect them to hold on much longer at all though. You know how in TV and films, whenever Mexico is shown, they just apply an orange tint to everything? Well in this universe that’s quite accurate, the Mexican air is heavy with radioactive dust.

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/u/Mrmac23 here! I’ll be narrating the second half of this instalment, but I’m jumping in a little early for these few slides. Like my colleague, this is my first time narrating, so forgive me if a little of my Boer bias leaks through. Anyway! As https://cww.kroonstad.rnn.ryk reports on Krugersdorp-born Great Musician Albert van der Meer’s regional concert tour, we also happen to get a good look at the dreadful case of Carrier Plague Kruger seems to have caught from his brief war on the Buccs. To the west, the Boer Coer also looks substantially less jam-packed than it was a couple parts ago. Even the orange giant is feeling the strain of so many wars. Let’s hope Albert’s Cyborgcore tunes can inspire the Madagascan people to build more subs and less carriers.

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Meawhile, in a place with significantly less pounding techno, on the border between the sleepy Icelanders and the ever-frozen Inuit, we can see a comparison of the armies of these two slumbering giants. Ground forces are minimal on both sides, but while the Icelandic navy may appear much larger, the Carrier Plague has struck yet again, an affliction that Ekeuhnick (Inuit) has so far been spared of. If war broke out now, I could see the Icelanders taking massive losses just to keep the Ice Sheet Fleet contained.

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The Icelandic core looks tasty, surrounded by their vast navy. All the ships they have in the ocean has probably significantly raised sea level. In the meantime, one of our Babylonian spies has been dispatched to investigate the metropolis of Reykjavik. Of course, we sent the one with the least pronounceable name in order to best blend in with the locals; Peshgaldaramesh Magnusson.

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One of our better known spies, the infamous Agent Em, is in Port Royal to infiltrate Henry Morgan’s war room and learn more about his plans. Of course, these days that mostly consists of Morgan drinking very large glasses of rum in his decrepit armchair, shouting about drink and girls, and wondering if warring against states that haven’t existed for millennia might be a good idea. Will you have a cup of tea instead, Morgan? The Aussies are rapping on the doors of Leogane, and their existing holdings seem secure, but they could be running a bit low on steam; Morgan’s forces look superior overall. If Parkes sends in a few more reinforcements, though, the dominoes should fall like a house of cards- checkmate.

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A strategic view of Latin America shows that the Aussies certainly are not done just yet, however their airbase Tulum will exhaust its usefulness soon. Drone Fighters have a range of 12 tiles, which (I think) puts further Bucc cities, after Leogane, out of range. Don’t expect Parkes to let up too soon though, Tulum remains a great staging point for the invasion to continue.

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Behold, the Dvinnish Empire in all its glory! Well, let’s be fair, at this stage of the game, an empire that can fit wholly within one screenshot can’t be too glorious. Honestly Sparta is one of the healthier looking members of the order of the rump, though. Well carpeted, enviable location, natural wonder, freedom to have leg day every day… what more could a Spartan want? Conquest of their neighbours I suppose. All around Dvin, conflict rages; no captures yet but no shortage of fighting. Kruger’s inland holdings are fairly low on units, but his armies are holding off the Finns well.

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War all along the mountains! The front between Vietnam and Sibir remains fairly static, however Vietnam have an atom bomb ready to drop at a moment’s notice. Things could well get ugly. Towards the north, Sibir are making a push to recapture Bamda, and are sending a nice mix of units to do so- likewise, Kuchum is sending several divisions through the pass at Nishapur. We see a lot of fortified units along the rest of the front too- Kuchum Kham is employing some very good strategy here, carefully choosing his battles against a superior opponent. Neither empire wins; one just loses more slowly…

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Just to the north, we get a nice shot of the Finnish and Siberian cores. Both are worryingly empty. Both empires have had time to rebuild after their destructive war, and indeed all of the fallout seems to have been cleared up, but we would hope to see some more units in reserve. Kuchum seems to be sending all of his units to the Vietnamese front, and Kekkonen is no doubt sending his to the Mediterranean. However, whereas Sibir looks strong on their front, Finland doesn’t have the same level of forces against the Boers. The Finns are tenacious enough to hold on for now, but in the long run their lack of production may be a big problem.

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Don’t bite off more than you can chew Kekkonen! Mongolia might not be the most menacing civ around, but they would quickly overrun Finland’s exclaves. Surely master tactician Urho realises the importance of his exclaves for science and culture output, when his core cities need to churn out all the units they can. Elsewhere in the slide, Yakutia hold on for dear life, and we can see Sibir’s forces en route to the battlefront.

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All is relatively quiet in Southeastern Europe, except for the whirring and humming of Finnish units headed for the coast. Finland isn’t looking too bad here, and the Boers aren’t about to tear through the Mediterranean any time soon. Despite Sweden’s impressive navy, their land army is a bit lacklustre. You have to wonder what exactly Gustavus has been up to all these years- there is no room for peaceful empires here. And no, plotting against Afghanistan doesn’t count; you’ll have to do better than that

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Boer hovertanks are starting to swarm over Iberia, threatening Finland’s latest conquests. Aside from the one-tile islands in the Mediterranean Sea, this is area Finland is most likely to lose. The Finns refuse to go down without a fight though, bringing Power Armour infantry and nuclear missiles to the front. With any luck, Kekkonen will retain all of his holdings in time to negotiate peace, and Kruger will think twice before messing with the Top Keks again.

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A closer look shows another of our spies stationed in Porto. How they managed to get there, through the burning radioactive warzone, is not known. Hopefully, though, the recruit will bring us the most up to date information on Kekkonen’s war efforts, and the situation in Iberia and North-western Africa.

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I personally feel like our spies are experienced enough to be promoted, don’t you? Agent Em has been supplying us with top-quality information for hundreds of years now; surely she is better than a recruit? Em’s latest intel from Port Royal consists mainly of Morgan’s ramblings about wiping out ‘that immortal Chinese gobshite’ for good, and the important information that he would not like a cup of tea after all.

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Reykjavik, the Icelandic capital, is building up research when Ingolfur (Iceland) should really be building up his navy with ships that aren’t long, flat, and defenceless. He also has no wonders of any particular note, though the Particle Accelerator should be helping out with his science. Lastly, the national epic of Iceland is apparently about being sacked, and was written in the Industrial Era… of 360 BC. The cylinder’s technology definitely advanced a bit faster than the globe’s.

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Tegea, a rather quaint Swedish city, seems to have a much more focused plan of action. With several gold-heavy tiles and Future Worlds’ next building after the Stock Exchange almost complete, the Lion of the North clearly understands what Big Ben could do for him and plans to act on it. Let’s just hope he remembers that you have to spend the money for it to be useful.

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Morgan (Buccs) is actually building a ship that isn’t a Carrier! It’s FAR too late, but good on him. Not only does Port Royal have no notable wonders to help in the current massacre, but Henry’s marvellous capital looks conspicuously low on population despite the amount of food coming in, and the city itself has begun taking damage. The fact that Frankenstein is a “””Heroic””” epic in Buccaneer culture probably explains a lot, however. His infamous use of nukes has certainly been monstrous, and it seems Parkes has no objections with giving him a taste of his own medicine.

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As we return from those inside glances, the sheer extent of the carnage being inflicted on the Buccaneer core is revealed. Parkes is using the Nassau Canal to full effect as ships flood through to take the already-black Leogane and Chicken Itza. Palenque is also in danger, and while the pirates have mustered a valiant force of subs to withstand the onslaught (and have even gone so far as to actually put a plane on a carrier!), the effort is clearly too little, too late. The kraken’s tentacles have been severed, and now the harpoons of green and gold strike at its face.

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Hawaiian peacekeepers visit their fellow city-state of Texas, discussing tactics for when war inevitably arrives to Kaneohe. A Great General and Engineer take notes on fortifications and the maneuverability of land units, apparently forgetting about their homeland’s geography – or, rather, its lack of any. Meanwhile, Guadalajara is a defenceless, utterly decimated lump of twisted radioactive rock, a small handful of Buccaneer slaves waiting for death as a troop of Australian Biotroopers approach.

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The Blackfoot maintain control of Monterrey, but have yet to make any more progress. However, their army is descending upon Veracruz and Wahpekute, and 2 Mobile SAMs and a pair of woefully outdated artillery aren’t going to cut it for Mexico. To make matters worse, additional Blackfoot soldiers move to intercept between Los Angeles and the front, and Benito (Mexico) has barely any reinforcements to bring even if he wasn’t being blocked off. The Mexican Resistance has withstood the nuclear onslaught on the verge of death for over 5 parts, but it seems the end is finally nigh for the fathers of Catholicism. They’ll likely survive, but the last chance for Mexico to reclaim its lost glory is about to die forever.

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The Last Legion’s lost Ballista is sighted wandering on the coast of Sibir, and the Knights of the Maond Table are enjoying the open space of their worryingly empty core. Meanwhile, Kabul is hanging on by a thread in the wake of the Vietnam Dronefleet’s assault. Nishapur is in a much more stable state, and Kuchum’s (Sibir) open borders with Finland ensure that reinforcements can effectively reach the former Graveyard of Empires. All things considered, they’re currently holding the line quite well…

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…something which clearly cannot be said for Yakutia, whose admiral appears to have broken and fled the final fortress of his people in shame. As Korean Hovertanks encroach on Beryozovo, the last commander of the former rap battle champion wails in despair as he finds himself blocked in by an embarked Korean unit. A trio of pro Starcraft players stare from the frozen shore, judging his failure. There might be no melee units nearby to take the city, but it’s only a matter of time until somebody gets the idea and claims the last Yak stronghold for good. Dark days for Darkhan. Most likely his last. Prime your F keys, folks.

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Disaster for Boer supporters (like me); The Finns have broken onto the Afrikan continent, capturing Alexandria! Nothing has come of the blackened Epidauros, and while plenty of units are close enough to recapture the city, the implications of this are immense. Even after the battering they took 10 parts ago, Kekkonen (Finland) has bounced back with a vengeance. And he can make the Ryk bleed.

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A brief look at Australia confirms that they are one of the few civs on the cylinder that still has an intact carpet, and it is absolutely horrifying. That one Kimberley artillery must be bricking it. While Australia was spectacularly incompetent in Mexico, their slaughter of the Buccs has been nothing short of absolutely brutal, and they still have a completely unharmed core to show for it. Curiously, a Yakutian carrier with something on it has also been swallowed by the Armada. Even if Darkhan dies, that last ship might serve as a very secure lifeline if he fancies being a ghost.

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A very curious development: Kruger (Boers) has no less than SEVEN nukes pointed at the Kimberley’s Antarctic colonies, even as the Finns penetrate his North Afrikan borders. What in TPang’s name could he have planned for them? And why? The Kimberley are far from the greatest threat to Ryk superiority, and nuking them would be an excessively cruel and pointless thing to do. Perhaps exposure to the Buccs gave him more than just a case of Carrier Plague…

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Another look at the Aussie core as Kruger hopefully realises the ridiculous position his nukes are in and moves them accordingly. Not only do hovertanks blot out the sun across the Outback, a platoon of GDRs stand watch on the shore of Goolarabooloobydoo, and an Organic Infantry unit has been sighted guarding a precious node of Uranium. Meanwhile, at the top of the screenshot, a Mongolian machine gun tries – and fails – to blend in with the Kimberley.

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A look at the border between Korean Yakutia and the Land of Always Winter shows us several things: a glance at the terrifying hordes of the Ice Sheet Fleet in the northeast, Ekeuhnick’s (Inuit) ever-conspicuously half-empty lands, the Koreans thankfully having withstood the Carrier Plague… and a rather discomforting number of Finnish peacekeepers in otherwise-empty Korean land. Sejong (Korea) needs to use the extra breathing room granted by his recent conquests to fortify, and he needs to do it before his lands are flooded with foreign soldiers, lest the White Walkers turn their frozen eyes on him.

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Why hello there, innocent CBR viewer! /u/_xSyracuse here, and since the narrator doing the second half had to leave, Tpangs got me to fill in! Man, having no life surely is beneficial! Anyway, here we see Sweden and Iceland, one of my personal least and most favorite civs, and their heavily lacking Land carpets and massive Naval Carpets (although sweden has a few holes). We do, hoever, see that Brazil has an Aircraft Carrier up here, who has probably had all of their workers frozen to death from the cold temperatures. It‘s cold up here, compared to brazil. Anyway, we gotta let the cold war continue.

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In unrelated news, Vietnamese Spy Drones recently caught this flurry of activity in the Antarctic - what could this mean? /a>

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Some of the Idealologies of the world, where everyone‘s favorite puppy, Tibet, has gone freedom! Obviously, since every civ ever has cultural domination over them, Gampo‘s citizens aren‘t exactly happy about choosing a different idealolgy then basically everyone.

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MISSING NARRATION

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We see that Sparta has cultural influence on two different civs, Ashanti and Rome, but yet somehow does not have much pull over the Timurids and Huns, who currently survive by hiding away in Dvin. Someone please explain the logic to me later, alright?

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Dammit, for a second I thought that Iceland was doing something relevant, but saw that they‘re only plotting against the Finns. While this could be a good war for the Vikings, or disastorous, I just want to see Ingolfur Arnarson spill some blood again.

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'LEEEEEEEEROOOYYYY JEEEEEEENKINS' - The Buccaneer Advanced Destroyer in Cienfuegos... Probably.

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The Aussies are making a move against Rum soaked pirate Latin America, with the capture of two cities, including the other Canal city. Although, I wonder if anyone one of the Australian Hover Tanks near Port-au-prince is named Matthew... that‘d be pretty ironic.

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With the end of Korea v. Kimberley, made irrelevant after Osaka fell and Korea spent their last XCOMs on Yakutia, this will probably go down as a footnote in history inside of Korean textbooks, because honestly, people will forget that Kimberley and Korea ever were at each other‘s throats.

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Vietnam is send all their XCOMs into Sibir, and by doing so could also possibly be a serious threat to the Chinese Knights. The Roman Balllista can be seen in the Caspian Sea at the bottom left of your screen.

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On behalf of the entire CBR community, thank you for NOT passing Nuclear Non-Proliferation, as that would make this game a lot more boring to watch without getting to sea those nice fireworks that cost millions of lives.

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As the Advanced Leroystroyer holds Cienfuegos, Boer troops capture Braga, and move on to Porto. Boer Hovertanks are also assaulting Finnish Malta, Siciliy and Southern Naples, but have forgotten to bring the melee units. Classic.

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Finland, who is making one hell of a recovery from Nuclear Hellfire, is plotting against the no deceased Afghanistan! Don‘t kick a man while he‘s done, top kek!

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And more news in the plotting department... Sweden wants to neuter Dvin! Sweden loves to beat up Sparta, however, so honestly it‘s just a normal day in the neighborhood. Also... ISRAELI SPOTTED! Inquisitor, 4 o‘clock. I wasn‘t sure if the Israelis survived the Armenian capture, which is nice to know that they did. In other news... Camp Desert Paradise has been abandoned by the Hawaiians... aww

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Here‘s a shot of the old Irish isles, now owned by Iceland. They look pretty good for now, but the important thing is what Peshgaldemesh discovered: Arnarson has had enough of saunas and Nokia bricks, planning to invade Finland! This could be important, considering the southern European and Mediterranean holdings on both sides. There is a Sweden in the way, so no war on the homefronts.

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Not the only plotting, as it seems the Lion of the North wants to have a snack! Not one to just take Dvin, he also seems to wish to conquer their hated enemies, Finl-no not them. Iceland? Not them either. OH! Armenia! Yeah. Almost forgot about the three cities. Well, this shouldn‘t be too important. We can chalk it up with the irrelevant wars that have plagued this game.

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Central Ausmerica looks alright, as Parkes has a solid grip on Port-au-Prince and the ever-important Nassau canal. He should keep these cities, but the issue is the inland cities. Australia doesn‘t do to well on land on different continents. Ah well, at least it‘s a small victory. Port Royal is on half helath with no Australian units nearby, so expect little there.

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Osei has sailed away to what could be equated to dead-Civ heaven, otherwise known as the middle of the ocean. Here he has met other empires which have passed, including Morocco, a neighbor to the Ashanti, and a group of strange people, to him, who call themselves 'Burmese.' This is astonishing to him, meeting empires from far-away lands.

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The last refuge of the Afghans remains in one the most underdeveloped parts of the Cylinder.

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Australia still leads the military stats with the Pacific Garbage Patch. I wonder which Civ has the strongest useful military? I mean I say that, but we‘ve seen many Australian Hovertanks being produced in mainland Australia fighting in Ausmerica. Are we all just perpetuating a dead meme of sorts?

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The Boers lead population, with near double the second-place contender, the Inuit. Well, they had snow cities. They get some recognition for being so high with such bad early cities.

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The Boers also, unsurprisingly, lead crop yield. Seriously, population and amount of food are so interconnected that it‘s not unreasonable.

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The Inuit lead in production, with the Boers a decent amount behind. I guess they set their cities to production focus instead of food focus, explaining this easily. It‘s not too strange, I guess. Not as weird as the Boers on research focus!

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And that‘s the end, folks! Seriously, don‘t forget to check out the CBR novel, and also dont forget to hype yourself out because of it, because TPang says that it‘s unprecedently amazing. I dunno about ya‘ll, but I believe the man. Anyway guys, i really hope you understand why this part is late, because of stupid Imgur, which is explained in more detail down below. I‘ve been /u/_xSyracuse, and I hope everyone in the western hemisphere sleeps well tonight, and everyone in the eastern hemisphere has a freaking awesome Monday. Bye!

Part 79: Continental Lords – mk2

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