Part 94: Some Assembly Required – MK2

Howdy ya’ll, Lordfowl here, and boy this episode will be one exciting ride! Here we have a class A meme from /u/AlbinosRideDinos that explains in simple terms what Vietnam’s real problem was last part.

Here we have the tile accurate map, and one just must appreciate those beautiful European Borders, great job Iceland and Sweden making the map look pretty. Please avert your eyes from the Middle east where the continues Boer Oranje is broken by some disgusting exclaves.

Here we see the Melon Map which helpfully highlights the puppeted lands of our Favorite conquerors. Note that Sibir has almost no puppets, while almost all of the Boer middle east is!

As long as the boers continue to not lose cities, they will continue to be number one. That .74 deviation surprises me, I would assume the Power Rankers a monolith on this one.

A shot of the land down under reveals that Vietnam really should be worried, at first glance an impressive display of force by the Australians. A closer look, however, reveals quite a few interesting things about Parks’ army. Firstly Australia, in this shot alone has 30 unused carriers (one of them in an inland lake!?!) , perhaps an infection of carrieritis was among Morgan’s parting gifts? In the former Kimberly lands, the worker army is ready to be turned into Diggers, and to be sent to the Vietnamese Front. Finally, Australia has created two settlers in this slide (one by Marseille, one by Canberra), perhaps they are going to see if they can rush and steal some land from a city destroyed in the Asian Nuclear Apocalypse?

A digger takes Hoi An and extends Australian contol down the coast of Vietnam, Korea has joined their brothers in a darker shade of green. As Hearts of Iron player this seems eerily familiar, Manchuko anyone? Meanwhile, Than Hoa and Dong Hoi continue to lose health, and Vijaya is in the deep red, but if Australia wants to advance anywhere in the south they will have to worry more about annoying peacekeepers than Vietnamese Resistance, which even in the north is meager at best. A city in the top left corner is definitely named Can Tho. Sorry Trungs I’d have to respectfully disagree.

The Vietnamese bombing campaign could very well soon be backed up by a Kamikaze nuclear attack, but in the long run this attack won‘t save their dying empire. Boer troops continue to advance on Kabul, soon to add the ancient communist capital to their conquest. Susa is suffering from an attempted counter-attack, and the Viets are shoring up their defenses around around the Hindu Kush, but seeing the collapse of their Eastern Front and taking into account the Boer track record of smashing through seemingly impenetrable lines, India had better hope that Kruger peaces out soon or their green will be replaced with the Oranje of the Rijik.

The war in Europe continues as well, with Neapolis falling to the Svea Rike. Both sides seem to be replenishing for another round and neither side is weak here but neither boasts a full carpet. Also notice some spillover of foreign peacekeepers from nations who may eventually become a problem to the European Powers. Interestingly, Iceland has four settlers in this slide. Maybe they want to level Sweden and build Icelandic cities on the ashes? After the North Sea Nuclear Exchange last part who can blame them?

“Our enemies call it ‘the garbage patch’, well, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure!” - Winston Churchill, Navy representative at the Council of Prime Ministers. (39 useless carriers here!). Meanwhile, our spy in the Kimberley empire discovers that news travels exceedingly slowly in the Indonesian archipelago, and Jamamada has yet to hear of Texas’ Fate.

Here we see the devastating Battle of Borneo, the air war that has taken cities on both sides of the strait of Malacca deep into the red, but with Kimberly in the way it is unlikely the Viets or Aussies will be able get the troops necessary for a flip through to the other side. Nebby has also kindly highlighted a Finnish cargo ship seemingly unaffected by the Great War, passing through Vietnamese territory to reach Australia. Lucky for him, the Trungs have yet to launch unrestricted submarine warfare against the aussies and safe passage of merchant ships is assured.

Hoi An and all of Korea fall back to the Twins, for now, but the Manchurian city of Tran Hoa is taken by the Australian imperialists. Next, the encircled city of Hai Phong seems sure to fall, as the ‘Roos have magicked up a decent force to reverse Vietnam’s half hearted counterattack. Additionally it seems Vietnam has Air supremacy, as every mainland aussie city is in the black, and none of the Vietnamese are.

Kabul falls to Kruger, and the Boers now own the mountain passes into the seemingly abandoned Indian heartland. Agara holds the Statue of Liberty, and I expect it’s torch to be changed to a Boer salute a-la Man In the High Castle within three parts. To the north we see the infinitely stupid Sibir, who peaced out with the Trung just when the Tide of the war had turned. Kutchum managed to grab defeat from the jaws of victory, and ended up with the same amount of cities he started with just after the hiatus. Back when he was, you know, losing!!!! Come on, you have so many troops right there!

Here we see the nominally Finnish city of Hrazdan, shellshocked by first the collapse of their empire back home, and then the Boerkreig of Vietnamese Southwestern Asia. Now the finns build entertainment centers to just try and get away from it all. While stagnant, the city is seemingly not running a deficit in anything, content to ease their citizens into their still new status as a third world country. A quiet, a peaceful life.

I take back everything I said about Kutchum Khan’s stupidity, and instead I will laud his high intelligence. After the blitzkrieg of Finland, many advised Gustavus to attack Sibir’s exposed western lands, all units being sent to the Vietnamese front. Kutchum has apparently taken this advice to heart turning the tables on the Swedes while they are locked in battle with Iceland. This means that the Khan is free to move forces to Europe and engage the Swedes in the same kind of two front war that destroyed Vietnam.

A lone digger has recaptured the once great Hoi An bringing it down to a measly 5 population. Vietnam will lose the war quite badly, the question is, will they ever be able to recover? A suggestion for the part name was “at the gates of saigon”. Vietnam will be lucky if Saigon is its last casualty.

“Hello and welcome aboard the Swedish-Sibir front tour train! Buckle up, and we’ll get right into it! Coming up right ahead is the Caucus Theater, with total Siberian dominance in the Caspian and Yervashavant already in the red, this area seems well within Sibir’s grasp. A bit further down we see that Sibir posses and advantage of extreme numerical and technological superiority on the Ukrainian Front. Ufa is defended by a single rifleman against Biological Infantry and spider tanks. Nedong is completely undefended, but the Siberians are not worried, who can Gustavus Adolphus spare to try and take it?”

“‘This central front seems devoid of Units!’ you might say, but take a second look at the massing of troops around Zibo, within a few turns these troops could fall like a hammer on Leningrad. The formerly Finnish lands are just as devoid of units as they were several parts ago, and barring a miracle, it seems Kekkonen will live to witness his conqueror share his own fate.”

“At the end of our little tour we can see the naval forces arrayed by both sides, likely leading to a pointless naval battle in the Arctic sea in the coming years. Interestingly, the empty carrier fleet by Vladivostok is seemingly lead by a Caravel, a relic of an ancient time. The knights of a long dead civ look forward to a spectacle for the history books. Perhaps those are the Knights of mao himself, laughing insanely at the coming bloodshed.”

Here we see the western front for the swedes, and although they are attempting an attack against Cume the swedes will not make any progress on this front. Neither side has the Units to make a large push against an enemy city. Iceland will still win in this situation, as they only need to hold out until the swedes direct their resources to attempt to slow Sabir‘s advance.

The Captain looked out over his aircraft carrier, the tarmac crushed in in places by the constant Swedish bombardment, crews scrambling to service the fighters and bombers under his command. The Captain knew that this was a suicide mission, and had made peace with that months ago. His crew would die so that Iceland may have a chance to attack Hamburg, and drive the Swedish enemy back to their Scandinavian hovels. News of the Sibir attack had yet to reach the Captain, and he believed failure in this battle could mean the loss of Icelandic Europe. As the massive Ship powered on into the Cybersub infested waters around Hamburg, the muttered a prayer to the Old Gods, and ordered the attack to commence.

Statistics show that Sibir is by no means a superpower, in fact, they seem to be a mid-tier nation, 10th in army size, 6th in both crop output and production. Perhaps I have misjudged their strength?

Nevermind! Sweden is truly a paper Tiger! Behind Sibir in nearly every single category, especially the important ones like Army Size (12 to Sibir’s 10) and production output (9th to Sibir’s 6th). Your days are numbered Adolphus.

Here we see Korea, a nation that has well and truly missed it’s chance. Perhaps if they had joined the Vietnamese Dogpile, Korea could have made some massive gains. I suppose it might not be too late to get something out of it, but Sejong must hurry. His plot against Tygyn Darkhan will in all likelihood lead to nothing, (see brazil) but perhaps it might get his warscore high enough for a war with Mongolia? Chances like these don‘t present themselves every day! Here we also see that Australia has many reserves ready to send to the Chinese front. Vietnam will be getting no break here…

While it might seem like this is the beginning of a successful Vietnamese counter attack, keep in mind that Persia full of Boer troops, while half the Units in Vietnamese India are workers. The Boers will retake all of the mountain cities, the question is whether they can push beyond them.

The hammer of Sibir falls, Yerashavant flips to the great Khan, and Swedes everywhere are heard weeping and gnashing their teeth. Nedong is surrounded, but its loss will only be temporary as Ufa is already in the red and preparing to surrender to the Grey banner of the Eastern Army.

Forgies Law: The amount of hype generated by a declaration of war is inversely proportional to the war’s actual importance. The Sweden-Iceland war was proclaimed to be a war for the fate of Europe, and it has fizzled into a nothing stalemate, with neither side having the forces to break the other’s meager defenses. In the middle east, the Boers were predicted to never make it past Parsagrade, and yet now they march through the Hindu Kush!

To the north we see more of the same, some half-hearted fighting around the Benelux, but France and Germany are all but deserted, and the North Sea is devoid of ships. If the Boers peaced out next turn and DoW’ed either Iceland or Sweden they would be in serious trouble.

Hawaii, perhaps feeling threatened by the Australian garbage patch floating past their Island are construction a Submarine. Nearing 40 citizens, Kaneohe is striving to reclaim the title of the most populous city in the world. Peace and quiet, not in the negative on anything, Hawaii seems like a paradise compared to some of the Cylinder‘s other metropolises.

Here we see the almost deserted South Vietnam Sea. If the Aussies went the way of Sibir to peace out now and surprise attack one of their weaker neighbors (looking at you Kimberly, Blackfoot and Korea) they would have made huge gains for nearly no loss. The war as it stands looks likely to stall out, a drain on Australia’s resources and a chance for the Boers to continue their advance against a divided foe.

A glimpse of the Inuit held Kamchatka reveals they too could stand to gain from a surprise attack against Korea. At this point war with any one of their neighbors is profitable for their the Freezing Forces of Ehe-howeveryousayit.

The Boers have reclaimed the Mountain passes and the Vietnamese have magicked up a defense for Western India. I fear this front will become another Sibir, but hope that this is just a temporary pause. Either way, the Boers have made massive gains, and it‘s important to remember the big picture.

Nedong will fall next turn, but so will Tashkent, and Ufa the turn after that. While other empires seem to be like candles, slowly burning out and losing ground, Sweden will be like a firework, expanding massively and losing it all within the space of a few parts. Ticonderoga sits open, perhaps the Boers or the Finns should join the dogpile?

Battle hardened Sibir troops, veterans of the Vietnamese Front, now face the young, green, pudgy faced Swedish recruits who enlisted in the millions after Sweden’s quick, easy, and relatively painless against the decrepit old Finnish Empire. If the soldiers of Sweden think it will be so easy a second time, they are in for a shock.

Former Norway lays defenseless, and Swedish high command knows it. They hope that the North Sea Nuclear Exchange keeps the Icelandic Forces too busy to begin a Naval Invasion, but already the IAF has taken Olso down to the yellow. Nowhere in Sweden is safe.

A shot of the north reveals the laughable state of the once #1 Yakutia. Hopefully someone decides to come along and put them out of their misery. Meanwhile, Tobacco is now banned in this world, meaning all those who would smoke a pipe or cigarette are now legally required to vape. By the way, I personally find no issue with the fact that Battleship Texas has more votes in the World Congress than Armenia, but some may disagree.

The Khan’s outdated Karpet looms over his next target, mockingly dubbed “Exclavia”, but I don‘t understand his logic. There is no evidence to support open borders with Vietnam, so it‘s not like he can walk to Kekkonen hideout, but even if he could, the Finnish Army if actually more high-tech than Genghis’ so it might actually be a fair fight. Why not go for the undefended Vietnamese city of Bamda?

The war proceeds ahead of schedule, with Ufa falling a turn before I predicted. Leningrad is next, with the reclamation on the way. This may seem like Sweden is mounting a good defense, with the southern front reinforced with spider walkers, but this army has no reserves, with the lands past Gothenburg barren of any units at all.

Kharkov is next on the Siberian chopping block, with Stalingrad not far behind. The north is even more bare than the south, and without some quick diplomacy Sibir might soon push into Scandinavia itself! Fun fact, if you go back to the previous slide, you can see that Jyvaskyla marks both the top and bottom of the Swedo-Siberian front.

Iceland retaliates tenfold for last parts North Sea Nuclear Exchange, turning all of Mitteleuropa into a radioactive hellhole. The populace is decimated, the once mighty Berlin is brought to only one health, and likely would have been destroyed had it not been a original capital. What would that medieval chieftain, Hitler, thought of his great tribe brought so low?

I am 76.362% sure that Lahti is a Siberian city, and I must therefore chastise it for building useless naval units that will never see the front rather than bio-troopers that would grow the Siberian war machine into a force to be reckoned with.

Here we see every research agreement in the world, and colour me surprised that these autocratic dictatorships are so willing to share technological secrets with each other. Perhaps fascism really does foster a spirit of brotherhood and sharing like all the propaganda said…

Nope! Nevermind! Australia and Vietnam unleash a thermonuclear holocaust on each other, likely killing millions of innocent Manchurians in the process. I remember a graph of all deaths by nuclear weapon earlier, perhaps that needs an update.

All for naught, not a single city changes hands.

Vietnam flips Susa and Kabul back for a few minutes, resorting to their own nuking, and this front begins to look more and more like Sibir. Hopefully the Boer reinforcement wave around Gordium can push on to Isfahan, although it will not be without many more innocent dead. It seems the Trungs are building Hadrian’s Wall out of bodies and radiation.

The Swedes reclaim Ufa for a hot second, however it will fall back into Sibir hands shortly. Leningrad is already halfway to capitulation, its ethnically Soviet citizens straining for the final overthrow of the Scandinavian Yoke. The question is, will Sibir be a better ruler?

Siberian Forces advance on Kharkov, and their AI bias towards Bio Infantry is illustrated for all to see. I counted 56 on this slide alone, and that whole swarm is headed straight for the heart of Sweden.

Newton’s 3rd Law states an object in motion will stay in motion while an object at rest will remain at rest. Many were skeptical of the idea that his laws of physics would apply on a cylindrical planet, but the European front is clear evidence that inertia is alive and at work in the CBR.

Here’s my question, why is Geelong in the red, while Medan remains untouched by the Vietnamese Bombing campaign? In other news, liberal Vietnamese use of napalm on the Jungle areas around My Son has raised controversy over the ethics behind this indiscriminate weapon.

A shot of the Vietnamese core reveals what a curbstomp it would be if Mongolia surprize attacked Vietnam. Come on Ghengis, this is your chance!

Fallout obscures the Vietnamese Manchurian cities, and the nuclear winter really sets in. Those who are left alive are painfully thin, and their eyes are pale and lifeless. The propaganda posters advertise a happy suburban life, nothing but a distant legend to the current residents.

The same is found on the other side of the Vietnamese Empire, with the mountain goat shepherds of the Mughal Kush bowing down to another sign from the vengeful gods. They had sent the pieces of the sun as punishment to the decadent Vietnamese. The goat shepherds only prayed now that their goats stopped growing so thin, and the the grass on the mountain would grow once again.

“We must only give it one good kick, and the whole rotten structure will come falling down” - Kutcham Khan (on the war with Sweden). Ufa is surrounded, and it seems it may be the first golden block on the yellow brick road to Stockholm.

Iceland takes Cologne, and a cheeky Bio-Infantry is gonna take Munich next turn. Iceland really missed it’s chance here with this war, they could be at the gates of Berlin, if they had any units in Europe. Our settlers still have yet to move by they way, perhaps waiting for some cities to get nukes off the map.

Here we see that the Blackfoot are more than ready to put up a fight if the Inuit start making trouble. Their outdated carpet has been seen spilling all over the world, and while they would certainly lose any war with the White Walkers, it would hardly be a Divin-like rollover that many believe it would. A spy has something to say to us, but the Nebby shushes them…

A look at the Kleptocratic Australian National Government Antarctic Reconnaissance Outpost Orange (K.A.N.G.A.R.O.O.) reveals that the Aussies intend to keep them the correct shade of green. Each one boasts an impressive carpet by Antarctic standards, the question is however, why are these troops not at the front?

Oh. That‘s why. The Australian government apparently has so much spare production on its hands that it can afford to have a massive blob of mostly useless ships just sitting around doing nothing. Never change Henry Parkes, never change.

A glance at Mongolia’s outdated carpet. Now if only it was in action against someone! Perhaps next part will be your chance to shine Ghengis.

The Koreans sail a Nuke by the north coast of Sibir. Is this a sign of a backstab to come, or is this bomb intended for a more distant target? What could Nebby be trying to show us here? We can only pray that the oracles can interpret this.

Were back to where we started on this front, with the Viets preparing to add another few million to the nuclear deathtoll. Will the Boers be able to break through next part? Will Armenia surprise attack and steal all the Boer gains? No one knows. The only thing that is certain is that countless more lives will be lost before this particular war comes to an end.

Kharkov falls to Sibir, Stalingrad and Leningrad are not far behind. Khutchum Khan really did make the right choice with this war, and his people will be better off because of it. On the side, we see hundreds of research agreements, DoFs and denunciations neglected.

Icelandic troops take Taega, proving even they can push against Sweden. Perhaps they could even reclaim Constantinople, and try and reclaim their Capital lead. Iceland’s status is currently in a flux, but if they can make substantial gains, they might be giants.

Cologne, and the rest of the Benelux, falls back into Swedish hands, and the stalemate continues in Northern Europe. If Iceland could please commit the production necessary to send Armies down here that would be nice. Within a few parts, this land could be a Sibir grey, and Iflgor must hurry to stop that.

Here we can see the Icelandic Fleet, unfortunately on the wrong side of the Irish Isles. Some hoped that the war would thin Iceland’s supply of useless carriers, but this seems unlikely. Hilariously, the Inuit have claimed some lands on the far side of the Icelandic home, though how they justify said claims is beyond me.

Sejong’s oceanic tarmac is one to make even Iceland jealous, and it is in dire need of a cleansing. Perhaps Australia or the Inuit could oblige…

Info Addict begins and here we see why many rankers chose Australia for the #2 spot. Their military is leaps and bounds ahead of the competition, and it‘s not all useless carriers.

Australia is also #1 in land area, but the Boers are gaining with their Vietnamese Conquest.

The Boers take the lead with 130 Cities, profiting over the collapse of Vietnam.

Ah, here we see that Fascist regimes are always friends with everyone, although, there may be a bug, as it seems that Vietnam and Australia have a DoF.

Lutheranism continues to dominate, likely becoming the new Judaism, controlling the old world, and the Blackfoot replicate their earlier new world religious success.

Here you can see the spread of these religions to fill the void caused by the removal of the Old Gods.

The Boers take 3 out of the top 5 Cities in the world, a real achievement for a nation many believed would be fodder for Shaka’s Impis.

Here is the Computer’s own power rankings, based on Gold and Resources. These match up pretty closely with our own community power rankings, with some exceptions.

For example, the Trungs are ranked 4th, while we know that is gold left over from their glory days.

Gustavus is well behind Ilfgor and he will continue to fall if Kutcham wishes it.

Wow. It must be sad to be thought of a mid tier nation but still have less gold the Kekkonen’s Exclavia.

At least Ghengis is above rumps like Hawaii and Armenia.

The final slide reveals Sam’s gold reserves, stashed in the secret compartment of Battleship Texas. I have been /u/Lordfowl (and the talented /u/Dawkinzz for the audio narration), have a wonderful day, and tune in next week for another glorious installment of the Civ Battle Royale!