1: Mistakes were made
Hello, it’s your narrator, /u/Coiot_Licks_Butt420 here! I spent all night watching colors fight each other over a computer screen for your amusement.Let’s get into it...
Episode 40: Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers – S1
April 1, 2020
ExplosiveWatermelon, Coiot, Admiral_Cloudberg, Limaeus, and Gragg9
360NoScope
Abstract
Things go boom! Tears are wept! Mass murder and mayhem! Welcome back to the Civ Battle Royale!
Viewing: Vertical
2
It’s not too late to join in on the fun new prediction contest! Predict which civs will do well and atrociously each episode and get scored based on power rankings movement. Worst scoring players get made Power Rankers!
3: Pre-Endgame map (thanks /u/aredundantsofa)
Here we have the cylinder before the reset at turn 1024. It’s a shame the crash occurred as Xia and Minoa declared war, but I’m sure we’ll see the two come to blows here soon in Endgame.
4: Forever #1
There’s fairly low deviation among the PR team about whos the top dog going into this. Xia has proven time and again that it’s competent. Can I take a second to praise that civball btw? I bet we’ll spend plenty of time looking at it, as Xia is poised to stay in the #1 spot for quite some time.
5: A tale of two Czechs
Ah, the beautiful Western Europe countryside. I’m surprised Scotland made it to Endgame — they seemed to be in a real pickle last time we saw them. I could’ve sworn they’d be dead by now. Anyways, there’s also Prague, right where it belongs in Northwest Germany, and Brno.
6: A new Dey dawns
Onto Northern Africa. Seeing Songhai make it to Endgame is no surprise. After their strong start they would have had to try to lose in order to be eliminated. Algeria on the other hand made it thanks to a single Dey. Also featured are Libya, Minoa, Ottomans, and a curious smattering of Ndongo units.
7: Where’d my units Nd’go?
Then there’s South Africa. Widely considered the worst starting location alongside Australia and South America. Ndongo and Beta Israel will have to play perfect to have any chance.
8: Four Flags, two Swords.
Now, we find ourselves in a location which people who don’t know geography call “The Middle East.” (Also includes a bit of real Middle East for reference.) Our competitors include Muscovy, the Golden Horde, Two-Swords-Land, and the Seljuks. Thankfully the people didn’t vote for Putin, so we’ve got Ivan in Moscow instead.
9: Prepare to get Qinged
Here we have our number one competitors, the Xia, and their neighbors, Qing and Korea, who they will most likely conquer by turn 15. Hey, wait a minute, isn’t this the same picture that was on the power ranking slide? How did those damn PR’s get it? Have they been getting advance access to the part this whole time? Do they know something about Xia that we don’t?
10: Sululations
Here in Indonesia we have two extremely stronk competitors who are liable to divide Australia between them if the Murri don’t get it first. Of course, the Murri are an extremely formidable foe, and considering how easily they eliminated Australia prior to Endgame, it might be hard to face them down when they have a whole continent to themselves.
11: The beginning of Time
Future empires lie in this region. Oh yeah, there’s also Murri and half of Papua. If I didn’t know the results of how this region would turn out, this would be very exciting!
12: Canada (Canada)*
Ah, it’s the battle we’ve all been waiting for, Poverty Point vs. Canada. In the opening moves of season 1, they fought an inconclusive war before turning their attention to Hiawatha and eviscerating the Iroquois together. Now that the Iroquois are gone, maybe these stalwart friends will turn on each other?
13: MONTEZUMA SMASH
AZTECS AAAA NEW ZEALAND BAD [INCOHERENT YELLING]
14: OwO *celestial gargling* what’s this?
The cult of Cthuwu is settled in Kauwes (Historical Accuracy note: Cthulhu was a creation by Rhode Island author H. P. Lovecraft, and as such was probably not actually worshipped by the Selk’nam.)A turtle lays its eggs in Kuhikugu.
15: Beds are Burning
And we’re off! Papua settles on Australia immediately, which I’m sure the natives aren’t too happy about. Gambu Ganuurru should think about asking Rajapapua to “give it back” — by force.
16: Istanbul or Constantinople? Umm...
The Golden Horde expands straight toward Muscovy, which I’m sure has Ivan the Terrible terribly pissed off. But that’s nobody’s business but the Turks’. Wait.
17: Settling in
Wonderful Africa — home of countries people may have heard about on TV, such as Egypt, Ethiopia, Wakanda, and Tanzania. None of them are here.
Tombouctou is the greatest settle of all time, forward settling two civs at once. Darnah exists but the second Algerian city does not.
18: “An Qing” is not grammatically correct.
Cixi tempts fate by settling toward the Xia. Does she not know how bloodthirsty these guys are? They’ll rip her to shreds without even blinking!
19: Never Cap-Haitien You Up
Thanks to their skillful elimination of Venezuela pre-E, Haiti has plenty of room to settle in northern South America.
20: Kavanga time
Kavanga is settled a distance away from the capital, as the Beta-Israelis settle nearby. Of note: there is no Alpha-Palestine as of yet.
21: The Chad Teotihuacan vs. the Virgin Jaketown
AZTECS FORWARD SETTLE POVERTY POINT! CAN MONTEZUMA BE STOPPED? THIS INCREDIBLE CHAD MOVE ENSURES THAT TAHERA WILL SOON BE SACRIFICED TO THE SCREAMING MAW OF HUITZILOPOCHTLI!
22: Nothing to see here
Ivan expands east, a good move considering the vast stretch of empty land east of the Urals. Of course he has the Seljuks to thank for that, since they improbably eliminated the Kazakhs pre-E, making a remarkable comeback after being temporarily reduced to a single tile.
23: The very discussed in the past few years
Does Brno Mars is gay? Our first war raises the question.Doesn’t matter, the other Czech civ is trying to kick the real Czechs’ ass, albeit rather ineffectively. It’s strange how there’s two Czechs but not a single Slovakian.
24: Tokhtamysh’s Bro-Brawl™
Immediately we have another war as the Golden Horde declares war on Muscovy! More importantly I would like to note the road that has been built between Bursa and Ostrava, which seems a little silly because the Ottomans never really had any trouble taking Ostrava in the past even without one.
25: Az-zawiyah is aware of the effect it has on women
Libya expands toward Songhai, settling some useless flat desert with nothing but incense nearby. At least the city smells good I guess?
26: (I can’t think of a title, just put a picture of the Fire Emblem fox girl here. Her name is Selkie)
SMH I can’t believe how inaccurate this is. The Selk’nam? Worshipping a deity other than my Garfield OC? However, with three cities and the Temple of Artemis, the Selkies (Editor’s note: Please don’t call them that) are sure to be a powerhouse in the region. Mainly because the only other civ in the region is the Kuikuro.
27: Why is the Gold Coast covered in silver?
At last, the time has come, to quote some band that doesn’t exist yet. And won’t because there’s no Australia. Anyway, the Murri are on the offensive, looking to kick the colonizing Papuans out of their homeland.
28: Side note but what the hell is Oman doing in the corner?
Beta Israel attacks Libya, which I’m sure is going to end well for that Libyan settler about to plant itself down on the Nile. Libya also appears to be at war with Songhai, which is attacking Az-zawiyah with a single warrior, because Askia is a chad and that’s literally all he needs to lay waste to the world.
29: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Alright, I’ll get serious here — I’m not sure how to narrate a slide when the things happen off-screen. Muscovy and Two-Swords are at peace, and Haiti built a better-than-average Library. What do we see, however? Canada has a decent 3 cities, Aztecs are fools, and PP is small.
30: Look at me. Now look at your city. Now look back at me.
Az-zawiyah must be the toughest city on the planet because Songhai is attacking it with MULTIPLE WARRIORS and it still has not fallen. It just smells so damn good that the Songhai army doesn’t really want to attack it. The damage is caused by one warrior literally just inhaling too forcefully.
Note that Poverty Point is now worshipping the Old Man Above, a.k.a. Nebuchadnezzar. They’re a little mistaken about the direction since he’s actually the Old Man Below.
31: Please ignore the fake news at the top of the screen
Scotland settles its fourth city in Italy, which is really a very Scottish thing to do. They were probably just looking for someplace where it’s actually possible to see the sun some of the year. Who’d’ve thought?
32: Zom-beeline
The Hate Train hits Korea — however, this train to Busan doesn’t carry Zombies. It does carry the walking dead in the sense that those 5 warriors are totally gonna die. But who knows?Me. I know.
33: El Tiempo de Tonga
With Gambu Ganuurru distracted by his failed attempt to take Boera, it looks like Tonga is about to sneak a settler through to colonize Western Australia. Beware, the clock is ticking!
34: Sahara Scuffle
No, it can’t be true! Az-zawiyah has fallen! What will I do with myself now?
35: A Reasonable Price for peace.
Nevermind, the hate train has crashed, as the Love Train meets the station. Choo-Choo!
Also Xia has a statue to a deity who MPreg fathered the Selkies’ deity.
36: Тонганское время пришло
It’s not beating a dead joke with a horse if I start writing it in other languages is it?
37: I’m still holding out for a Minoan snipe
Suspiciously, the Seljuks have more than one tile, and they’re going to add to that by taking the Omani city of Salalalalalalalalalalalalalalah. At least, they might, if all those nearly-dead warriors don’t, you know, die.
38: Go to Shell
The Turtle spreads its wings (Biology note: Turtles don’t have wings) and reaches the soaring heights of 4 cities. Let’s hope they don’t eat the plastic straw of despair, and swim to the beaches of prosperity!
39: Lawspeaker Tahera has to speak the law. Supreme Leader Montezuma doesn’t have to say a damn thing.
Poverty Point’s second city was such a beta move that they had to found another city in between to support it. Whereas Montezuma’s extremely powerful limbs are capable of holding up Teotihuacan from half way across the Gulf of Mexico without getting tired.
40: Poverty Point vs. one Scout
Fast forward one turn and suddenly Canada and Poverty Point are at war! King employs the bold strategy of attacking every city at once with one warrior, which should really be enough now that I think about it.
41: Let there be Rocks!
Stop the presses — Rocks were built in the Americas!
Oh yeah, Algeria really picked up the pace that Libya dropped. Songhai seems strong.
42: It begins
The Qing military flees westward in terror as a vast Xia army gathers on Cixi’s borders. The end is nigh, I feel. The Xia have won Endgame already.
43: Salalalalalah I’m not listening aaa
Somehow Salalah didn’t fall. Seljuks. Oh yeah and Songhai is attacking the defenseless Libyan capital with a grand total of two spearmen, which is gonna go real well for both sides I’m sure.
44: Time is a tool you can put on the wall...
Tonga defends probably the worst settlement on the cylinder with all its heart. You go, funky little man.
FR tho Murri should’ve taken that city already.
45: Deep Ones Rising
The Selkies [Editor’s note: AAAAAA STAHP] attack the Kuikuro, who as it turns out are actually a soft-shell turtle. See, this is why biology is important, kids.
46: Yep, definitely empty, no one there
Muscovy settles Veliky Ustyug on the edge of the vast, empty wilderness. Off screen, Haiti builds a pyramid to sacrifice people on, and the one-city Minoans declare war on the equally pathetic two-city Turks.
47: Minimal-oa
Don’t worry, Minoa still doesn’t have a second city — the cylinder is still balanced.
Land of the Two Swords is taking damage though. Naval invasions are tough, especially when you’ve completely neglected your own navy.
48: Itshappening.jpg
Mu’a has nearly fallen, but wait! Gambu Ganuurru has left his back door, or rather his front door, open and Tonga is attacking Cavanbah with a few beefy triremes! Siaosi’s distraction is working! Will Tonga make landfall?
49: Big Gupe™
Kuhugupe begins to take damage as strange eldritch beasts eat their way through its walls like ants through a piece of cake that you accidentally left out on the counter.
50: I’ll turn my Frying pan into a Dying pan!
Qing is being demolished by strong Xia presence, with Sulu joining in for hope of getting on the mainland. The screams of the dying Turtle populace is luckily drowned out by the more intense, closer screams of Qing.
Average PP decides to build a triangle. Two Swords Lands sells a sword to make peace with Minoa.
51: Tongan Australia Soon
The drama of the three Tongan triremes vs. Cavanbah continues, while the minimap tells us that somehow Mu’a is still flying the white and pink. Siaosi’s brilliant strategy is working!
52: The Second Ballad of Salalalalalalalalalah
Mehmed II has a go at Salalalalalalalalalalalalah, while an Omani settler struggles to figure out why it can’t settle in territory already controlled by the Seljuqs. Minoa watches, always observing, never doing anything. They don’t need to—Minos is already confident in his ability to win.
53: Songhello
Oh no, Songhai is invading Algeria, and my popcorn still has 30 seconds in the microwave! Could you please hold out for 1 more turn so I can watch with my snack?
Omega-Israel is amassing a large army up north.
54: Ottomine
Qing and Xia make peace with no apparent city deals. The Ottomans also take a city off Oman. Say what you want about their lackluster start, but when the Turks want a city, they take it.
55: H̛͈̝e̝̗̺͓͝ͅ ̹̟͓̰̭͙͍W̸͈a͙̜̹̻̹k̯̪̭̳̣͝e̹̞͇̣̹s̥͟
Kuhugupe is now firmly in control of Selk'nam. No real surprise there. Kuikuro doesn’t have any real defensive bonuses after all.
56: Dey-ja-vu
Geez there’s a lot going on there. Algeria drops a city to Songhai and Minoa and Libya go to war. Something about this feels familiar...
57: Czechin out Eurasia
This corner of the world is significantly quieter. The Czechs, Golden Horde, and Muscovy enjoy the peaceful Eastern Europe. Also, Haiti 3rd in score. Stronk yet again.
58: When ya can’t beat, just move hundreds of miles
Korea continues their strategy of settling Kamchatka. Anything to get away from Xia. Qing probably should have thought of it first.
59: Can I make a D-Day joke?
This seems like an ancient era Scottish version. Which is a wonderful mental image.
60: Mine’oa
It’s amazing how many bad puns you can make with just civ names. Anyway, Golden Horde and Seljuks make peace while Minoa has parked a significant navy outside of Libya’s capital.
61: Pirate Shortage
The southern Qing settlements barely survive as peace with Sulu is made. I spy a Xia settler that might establish them as another player in Indonesia.
62: Vote Kalaallit
Augsburg falls to Scotland and I spy another Scottish settler on the isles. It’s amazing what a British Isles civ can do without competition for the isles.
63: King Siaosi the Terrible
We return to this incredibly active North Africa where our feuding siblings, Libya and Algeria, are in yet another contest. Which just happens to be a race to their deaths.
64: Rumble in the Jungle
Haiti and Kuikuro have declared war. It doesn’t take a power ranker to call this one. When the military is this mismatched there’s only one outcome. Every time. Kuikuro will 100% lose their cities. There’s no alternate universe where Kuikuro holds against a superior force like this.
65: But Wait, There’s More!
North Africa gets more chaotic as Beta Israel DoWs Libya. It looks like the Minoa attack is fizzling out though. If Minoa can’t siege Libya, no one can.
66: Rumble in the Other Jungle
Uh. Ok, yea. We’re marching to the capital then. Not the small city we had almost surrounded. Yes. Excellent strategy general. Also Murri and Tonga war.
67: Night-Murri on Elm Street
The Murri, much like various Sponges and people named Robert, have failed their boating classes. As such, Tonga has a distinct naval advantage that is currently allowing them to destroy the people who once invaded Mu’a.
68: There can only be one China, which is simultaneously all the Chinas
Xia expands to an impressive four cities, 16 more than anyone else on the cylinder. Yu is completely unstoppable.
69: Amphibious Boats
The Scottish invasion of the HRE continues. Augsburg has fallen, but now a bunch of triremes are trying to find a way to attack two inland cities. Silly Scots, all they need to do is wait for global warming to raise the sea level so they can sail into Prague and Regensburg.
70: Dispatch from down under
A radio crackles in the dusty darkness.
“Cavanbah has fallen. I repeat, Cavanbah has fallen.”
And silence returns to the vast, empty outback.
71: Quick, draw a map of Oman on a rock!
The Seljuks bear down on the Omani capital, which curiously has more than one tile, a concept that must be foreign to Alp Arslan. Saif bin Sultan sits in his palace wondering how anyone will remember Oman, considering that he’s about to die without having discovered writing.
72: Amazon Delivery
Even Haiti can take down the defenseless Kuikuro! Anetü is desperately in need of some walls, as Haitian horsemen ride effortlessly across the vast, open jungle, where it’s possible to see for literal feet and travel almost a quarter mile per day. In the background, World Events happen, but we don’t get to know what they are.
73: Nice
We’re at slide 69, and there’s no better time to Expand Ndong. Of course, they’re not doing much expansion at the moment, but any second now…
Any second...
74: Highland Roman Empire
Another shot of the HRE/Scotland front. Bizzare Scottish settling has truly created some of the strangest battle lines I’ve seen in the early game.
75: He̪͔͉̹ ͌͞G̩͖̗̗ͦͨͬr̳̞͎͓̠̓́̇ͨͯ͊̈o̟̻͙̘̳̻̝̔͒ŵ̲͉͡s͎̤̞͙̼ͤ̇͒̽͡
Here’s a shot of The Selk’nam settling patterns. Surely inspired by Cthulu’s tentacles. Also Minoa takes another stab at expanding, this time towards the Ottomans.
76: Legacy of Glasgow
SCOTLAND TAKES REGENSBURG IN THE PEACE DEAL. WHAT MARVELOUS DIPLOMATS THESE SCOTS ARE.
77: Africa Battle Royale
I don’t know y’all, I’m starting to think Minoa might be stuck on their island forever. Very uncharacteristic for an otherwise strong civ and start location. In other news, Algeria and Libya continue their race to their deaths.
78: Tonga Time by Hot Pink Floyd
Cavanbah and Boobarran are Tongan now, and the states are seemingly at peace. Of course, that’s not stopping Papua from having their fun.
Tonga now has as many cities on Australia as the Murri
79: There is no God but God, and Mohammed is His Messenger
So far, Islam, founded by the Islamic Imamate of Libya, is the only viable religion, with no less than 14 cities under its control. No other religion has expanded outside its holy city. I’d say it’s fairly unambiguous that in this universe, Islam is the true path.
80: Duel of the Faiths
A quick Religion map shows that people need Jesus (err, Mohammed?) in their life.
81: Bash the Fash in the Name of Allah
A look at the government's screen tells us that not only is Libya an Islamic theocracy, it’s also run by anarchists. Get that, an anarchist Imamate, I fucking love it.
82: King, Queens, and everything in-between.
I’ll give a quick run-down of what’s notable here:
-the Ottomans, having traded away their swords, are now American.
-Nzinga is a Female King.
-Oman believes in healing crystals.
-Soldiers and Nobility are the leading classes for government.
83: Chief Nebby of the Babylonian Clan
Despite possessing the most advanced technology that the universe has ever known, the submarine has a tribal government with no sophisticated political structures whatsoever.
84: Raze a little Hell
Haiti has two additional cities- perfect for keeping their soldiers warm in the winter. That is, because they’re burning them.
The Turtle is aptly named- they are severely endangered.
85: Allah Forsakes the Faithful
Omega Israel decides that taking Tubruq is too much trouble and goes for Darnah instead, splitting Libya in two. I’m also pleased to note that Minoa is up to two cities, which means Minos has this in the bag, he can’t be stopped now.
86: Just kidding!
Raze Against the Machine activates and Haiti gets to keep those cities. That’s about the only notable thing here.
87: Atlantis beckons
Is Minoa actually on its last legs? Ottoman triremes begin to batter Knossos, a remarkable turnaround from pre-E, where Minoa was the uncontested #2 on the cylinder and reduced the Ottomans to a rump state.
88: Papuagony
Papua declares war on Tonga, and decides to mobilize their entire navy to distract half of Tonga’s. The other half of Tonga’s navy is free to invade, however. No promises about how this war will look on land, however.
89: It’ll all belong to Xia eventually, don’t worry
The Seljuqs, Xia, Golden Horde, and for some reason Korea begin to fill in the huge gap in Central Asia. The elimination of all three civs in the bloody Indian conflicts pre-E has left this entire area up for grabs.
90: Finding Namo
Get it? It’s Oman backwards? Okay not the best title for a slide I’ve done.
Oman, how unfortunate you are. You may have been born with half a brain, but you had a lot of heart. However, enlarged hearts are bad for your health, and this may have contributed to your decline. The Seljuks have taken notice, and quickly invaded your capital. I’d press F to pay respects, but there are children in Africa who deserve it more.
Here’s an F to fuck off.
Also a religion was founded elsewhere in the world. I guess they found Jesus after all?
91: T̫h̸̹e̤̼y͔̟͙̼̼̳͞ ̭̗͍̙͎́C͏͎o̩͔̲̕m̜͎̠̹̲̝̞ḛ͉̥
Proving that the followers of Cthulhu can travel great distances under the sea without needing to breathe, a Selk’nam settler has traversed the Pacific Ocean and emerged from the watery depths on a land they for some reason decide to name Southeast Asia. The peaceful people of Sulu are immediately stricken by an indescribable terror.
92: Caney Island Hotdogs
Hey, Poverty Point has settled a city! Guess they’re not so poor. Watson Brake also exists, but that’s not really a funny name.
Anyways, they’re up to 5 cities, and hold a bunch of empty space hostage until they can fill it up with settlers. A large PP force heads south.
93: A Scottish curtain has descended across Europe...
Czechia invades the Ottomans while getting invaded by the Golden Horde, and Scotland invades some empty land in the Balkans using a city. Bursa is surrounded, but we know it won’t fall because the history books say Bursa didn’t fall to the Czechs until 1453.
94: Cavanbanished
Cavanbah is down to red health. Could Papua do it?
The people Boera have discovered long lost documents from Pale Kroogar, an ancient tribal chief who mysteriously vanished. Something about the Cylinder being flat and discovering a way to connect the minds of everyone together to form some sort of a- *RADIO STATIC*
95: Lawspeaker Mackenzie King the Conqueror
The attention in South America shifts from Kuikuro to Selk’nam and Haiti. They aren’t at war now but it’s only a matter of time.
96: For those about to Rock, we Sulute you
The Great Wall of Bauang has been built! What’s so great about it? Well, it was really hard to build, so you gotta give them some credit. Shaka Sulu, you should be proud.
97: Manifest Destiny
Who wants to settle the West anyway? Manifest Destiny is overrated.
98: iVan by Apple
A large Muscovite army marches into unexplored territory. Probably going to colonize some natives. Unfortunately, we’ve been bought out by Putin and we can’t talk bad about Russian history, so here’s some fun facts about Russian History
99: Haiti and the Aztecs
Haiti and the Aztecs declare a war for the Carribean. Incidentally, Haiti and the Aztecs is a bomb band name and ‘War for the Carribean’ would be an awesome album name. Also, HRE settles Speyer in Scandinavia.
100: Milking the Moscow
In the distance, Tonga and Papua are making peace. They exchange tales about a mysterious people of the far north, clad in a bright color. They rode Reindeer, lived in the snow, and watched over the world. They were of course referring to elves- a fictional creation in every child’s mind.
I tell you this because I think some elves may be killing the Muscovite soldiers. That, or the Russian Winter did not spare them.
101: Eh, Sorry
I would be complaining about Canadian peacekeepers but it seems like Haiti isn’t all that interested in this war anyway. Or is it Canada spilling the blood here?
102: Waiting for Release
Back in Beta-Jerusalem, the Beta-Mossad are talking with their Rabbimams and going to Synamosques. They pray to Jewish Allah to bless them, as they settle southwards. “The Holy Land should be here somewhere!” Desperate soldiers ask their general, Erran Morrad, for guidance. Sasha Baron Cohen, who has been in disguise the entire time, shrugs.
“Maybe the Holy Land was the friends we made along the way?”
103: Deys for Days
A rather weakened Algeria discovers that Songhai is still pretty squishy and begins attacking Tombouctou. Of course, Abdelkader once again has more Deys than soldiers, so we know how this will probably end.
104: Oh. Canada.
Canada manages to grab a strong foothold in Teotihuacanada. The Canadians apologize as they genocide the natives.
General Tim Horton, the boldest of all Canadians, does not apologize. Rather, he offers shitty coffee to all the citizens. It’s almost as bad as the genocide.
105: If you spell it Ostarva it won’t work
Wave after wave of horsemen throws itself against Ostrava with little effect. Little did they know that a peculiar physical property, unique to the letters O-S-T-R-A-V-A arranged in that specific order, makes the city completely invincible.
106: Mozilla Firefox
The Red Fox watches over Poverty Point, informing them that Songhai and Algeria have made peace.
“Who?” Their people ask.
107: Ain’t no desert wide enough
In the background, Scotland seeks to expand its naval empire by attacking Muscovy, while Canada calls it quits with the Aztecs. But the real news here is that the Xia have founded another city! Praise be!
108: The Baltic Battleground...
… is what it would be called if something were actually happening here. Muscovy has a few damaged cities, and there’s a bunch of units, but right now it’s actually quite calm. Scotland votes to Remain in Europe- by force, if need be.
109: All new flavors coming to a sea near you
Minoa, now at peace with the Ottomans, turns its sights against Libya, whose undefended capital has taken a real beating lately. Does Minos have enough ships to batter it down? Or is he just facilitating Omar Mukhtar’s attempt to turn the Tripoli harbor into the world’s largest wood-flavored milkshake?
110: The Banner of Bruce
Robert, or Bob for short, settles into the mainland. Perth and Dundee are settled, the island is fully settled, and the leader is nicknamed Bruce.
Wait a second- this isn’t an Australian civ.
111: Шотландия
I’m sorry if you were expecting some insights here. I’m just too busy imagining what A Russian speaking with a scottish accent or vice versa sounds like.
Cloudberg’s note: a Russian speaking with a Scottish accent would sound exactly like a Scot speaking with a Scottish accent.
112: Sacha, Baron of Cohen
“Sir, we’ve been lost for 40 years. When are we gonna find the Holy Land?”
Sacha Baron Cohen, in disguise as Erran Morad, sighs. “We’ll get there when we get there!”
Ndongo soldiers stare at them from a distance. “Can we kill them now?” One asks.
“Nah,” a general replies, “I think they’ll kill themselves before we even get there.”
113: Ouch
Every single Scottish city takes damage as Muscovy flips some minor settlement in Scandinavia. All across Scotland, buildings spontaneously burst into flames, but Robert the Bruce assures his mildly concerned citizenry that it’s just this weird special effect from Ivan IV briefly recapturing Vologda.
114: Tarabulus News
Minoa is invading Libya by land, sea, and heart, but they don’t seem to be making much progress. Tarabulus takes damage as Algeria sits there Deys’d and Confused.
115: Port-Au-Damnit
Peace has been made between Haiti and the Aztecs but that was never important to either of them. The notorious conqueror Mackenzie King has occupied the Caribbean and is poised to spread the love of hockey and maples leaves to the South.
116: Scot the Woz
All Scottish cities take damage as Rzhev falls, but Robert does manage to take Vologda. Overall, Scotland seems to be in a good place where they can invade anyone, but nobody can invade them.
The Archers of Stirling better watch out before they enter the danger zone.
117: Ouch right in the Meangin
The Papuan backdoor squad begins to sexually assault Meangin. Will Tonga, the great adjudicator, step in to serve up Rajapapua with a bit of street justice?
118: Enemies on the Other Side
Gonaives was settled, making it the third city Haiti has settled! Good for them.
Bad news though, Canada’s mounted a small invasion force. It probably won’t amount to much, but hey, you can’t say they aren’t trying.
119: There is no purple on this slide and if you see any you need to get your vision checked
The Golden Horde expands eastward toward Xia. Tokhtamysh has been warned not to wake the dragon, but will he listen?
120: Taejo and Earl
The Earl of Taejo, Kim I, wonders how he ever got into this position. He watches from a distance as the Seljuks battle the Sulu in a surprisingly relevant war. He knows he’s closer to Selk’nam than to the capital.
121: Me and Gin have officially broken up :((((
Papua takes Meangin, reducing the Murri to only two cities. Absolutely pathetic, they were given all of Australia to start with and they couldn’t even hold it? To be fair, it’s hard to stand against Tonga, the scourge of the cylinder, and come out alive.
122: The State of AOOS
Libya gives Tubruq to Minoa as a parting gift. “Aww,” says Minos, feeling a tingle of... is this love? He starts to question his sexuality.
Mukhtar, finally at peace, receives a letter in the mail. It’s the American-Ottoman-Omani-Swords, and they’re declaring war. The letter is promptly dumped in the trash.
123: The Xi-end is Night
Cixi decides it’s about time to just get it over with and commits suicide-by-Xia.
124: Worlds Collide
The Indian subcontinent; home to many vibrant cultures.
This section of the world has settlements from the Seljuks, the Sulu, Korea, and recently the Golden Horde. Constant fighting plagues the south, while the Koreans and Hordesmen watch in reclining chairs, eating popcorn.
Truly, it is the heart of the Cylinder.
125: A futile attempt at mobilization
A few Qing triremes approach Qionshi, but what do they think they can do? A single glance from any of Yu’s soldiers will cause them to explode immediately.
126: Are you sure you want to delete Brazil.jpeg?
Turtle Joke.
In all seriousness, the Kuikuro are reaching the end of their lifespan. The +2 Strength and +1 Wisdom won’t help them as they face Selk’nam. It seems they rolled poorly on initiative as well.
Also, Tonga declares war on the Murri, seeking to finish what they’ve already started.
127: Scramble for India
A few random Sulu, Xia, and Korean units attack Seljuq colonies in India. I’m glad to see that India in Endgame is just as violent as pre-E.
128: From Vinland to Greenland
Canada has settled Greenland. Not much to say there. Good for them?
More importantly, Canada has established a good core, and their constant expansion is a good sign for things to come. March on, you apologetic bastards.
129: All is good in the neighborhood
Kermanshah falls to yellow as random units from many different civs all work together to bring it down. Such beautiful friendship! It melts my heart!
130: MurriDer
Papua takes Meangin, Tonga’s invading Gunnedah, and Sulu aims for Beerwah. The people of Murri are getting divided up.
Australia belongs to the Islands.
131: The Haitian Holy State Will Rise
Oh look, only two flavors of Christianity. Good time to mention that we have a mod coming that will allow for more diversity next season by allowing civs to have a backup choice religion. Shoutouts to the Prince-Archbishopric of Sulu anyway.
132: Resistance is Futile
Everything looks puny in the face of Sunni Islam. Come on Sulu, you have no competition this time.
133: Achaemenid Legacy...?
Shahdom of Selk’nam ruled by Shah Xo’on Uhan-Té. Saying that out loud myself feels scary enough without all the Cthulhu stuff.
134: “General Elected Emperor”
Houngan Asogwe Toussaint-Louverture. Very appropriate title of Houngan for the founder of Voodoo.
135: Teacher Tokhtamysh, may I please go to the bathroom?
Mackenzie King currently has the title Prince, which must be wrong because Canada won’t truly come into its own until he’s known as King Mackenzie King.
136: Ah shit, I forgot the rest of the part
Now for a big leap in time as we could hardly document every single slide but still wanted the satisfaction of seeing more of the game. Here we find that again the Seljuks enjoy having lonely island retreats, and Selk’nam is in the middle of a Civil War. Don’t spend too much time looking at the mini-map, because we’re going to show you all the good stuff.
137: Some people just don’t need to believe in a god, okay?
First though, important things. A quick overview of how the religions grew or faded away. Still many slots available, but it seems there were not enough civs interested in founding new faiths.
138: Atheist Canada will stand against the Prosyletizers!
Well one of the reasons for no few religions is that the existing ones just overwhelmed so much of the map. Algeria's Oriental Orthodoxy in particular has all but been swallowed up by Sunni. Several others were able to keep Sunni from spreading all of the map, tho.
139: Labour Party Theocracy?
Quick overview of the governments again. I spy a certain Democractic Presidential Imperial Despotic Republic (wow what a mouthful) in the Pacific.
140: Wait, why is Oman on here?
Libya is no longer an Imamate and has transformed itself into a less theological Kingdom. King Omar Mukthar still is likely to oversee a significant sway in his faith, tho.
141: King Mackenzie King! It happened!
For a government that went the other way, we can see Songhai is now a Theocracy under Catholicos-Patriarch Askia.
142: The Seljuq Sultan lives in Madagascar now
In quite a surprise, the Seljuks dominate all over the reaches of the Indian Ocean. Looks like they had a very successful war against Omega Israel.
143: Okay but who the fuck spells M’banza Kongo with a “C”
Ndongo had all the space and time to fully carve out the region, but they still looked to be held in place with no clear path to break out.
144: Imagine letting Minoa take Algiers
Songhai protects West Africa from the all-too-common European threat. Minoa though has done it, and their fighting spirit has yielded sway over the Mediterranean.
145: Great might be a little generous.
Omega Israel has lost some cities, but still look in great shape. Minoa owns the Upper Nile, and the Ottomans occupy the Holy Land.
146: How dare you question Minoan supremacy?
Better shot of the Minoan Principality. Looking at T150 you would have guessed they were heading to elimination, but the AI Games are always full of upsets.
147: He’s coming. He’s coming...
Charles V may have thrown away HRE’s chance of stopping Scotland, but they still look to be able to hold on to some cities. Just keeping them warm for Minos, surely.
148: Lol Cornwall amiright
What could have been, should've been. A strong and expansive Scotland are in a good position to keep conquering. They let HRE build a city in the Isles, but it’s only Cornwall so nothing of value is lost.
149: Muscovy definitely didn’t lose any cities to any purple civs.
Muscovy went horizontal instead of vertical. Open rebellion on the Finnish border, but are looking good overall. Random Golden Horde expansion in Sweden.
150: Not a melee unit to be seen
Horde is the right word, just look at how many horses they’ve spammed out. Horse archers for miles and miles.
151: Why hasn’t anyone settled this area yet?
A ghostly presence still haunts these parts. They say they are terrible fighters, as always, but we can see they at least have taken two cities from Muscovy. Now that is spooky.
152: Even more horse archers
The Horde may rule the Steppes, but the Seljuks still have a nice dominion in Persia. Liking the color clashes here.
153: Ah yes the great Seljuq city of Jiyuan
India is a divided mess, but what else is new?
154: Who’s that conquering their way in from the right?
More of the Seljuk colonial dominion. The Great Wall of Baung still stands.
155: China #1
Qin Dynasty firmly controls China. Easily the strongest civ here as the UA stacks will just keep compounding bonuses to Xia.
156: Rise of the Landsknechts
Qing once again relegated to Siberia. Korean rebels in Kamchatka causing a ruckus.
157: My god
By the Great Spirit! It’s Tonga Time!
158: Hehe
PP can into the Pacific. Voodoo spreads in their wake.
159: Yong.
Chinese Hawaii and Korean Japan. I like it.
160: Get it guys, PP big?
PP is one of the big bois, but look at all those xbows.
161: Are you fucking sorry?
Oh Canada. Oh Canada. Where was this when we needed it. (Lunars Notes: G,G,G,G,F,E,E,F,G,E,D,C,D,E,C,G)
162: Actually they were even smaller
Aztec empire is surprisingly close to their IRL size. Rood Canadians took the Central American Tongan colony.
163: Canama Canal
The Eldritch Overlords rule these parts, but Haiti has found new life in the jungles. Scotland wants in on the fun.
164: The long arm of Chtulhu reaches far
Effects of the Civil War can be seen near the bottom of Patagonia. Selk’nam is first in stats, but suffering for it.
165: He Observes
Nothing escapes Minos’ attention. A far-flung colony keeps them on watch for the Elder Ones.
166: Goodnight and Good Luck!
Talking about mystery, Ndongo settles Bermuda and its lovely triangle just before this turn. Future Minoan clay I feel.
That’s it for us. This has been Coiot, Explosive Watermelon, Gragg, Admiral Cloudberg, Limaeus, and the CBRX team. Stay tuned shortly for the real episode to be posted. Hope you’ve enjoyed this year’s April Fools special.
167: Meanwhile at the Legion of Doom...
Lunar here for this episode of CBRF; showing the top tier fictional Civs plaguing the workshop. Let’s jump right in the part!Here we see the battle of the part as Guy Fieri loses Drive-Ins as the highly mobilized army of Sophia runs down the last holdout of the fast food King. We also see that Farmer declares an irrelevant war, another one of many cast around the cylinder. But wait?! There’s more! Monika has had it up with Pyro and has declared war. A shame there’s more pressing issues…Wait, what do you mean this isn’t replacing CBRX?! Well, what is?! Who set me up to this? God damn, now I’m going to have to rerun the simulation… Now where was the lever that deletes all the awful colors…(To be continued…)