Season 3 Final Bow – S3

Emu:

Comanche secures last place by being the North American civ to most successfully snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. We didn't think they were going to set the world on fire or anything, but jfc Iron Jacket, learn to play the game. I'm not saying the “send your settler to a random part of Asia” strategy *can't* work (I mean look at Avi Mota), but you can't just sit in your palace and watch it explore for several hundred years. You have to actually lead the cities you have in the meantime. No, the Apopka offensive doesn't count, stop asking. Get back in the iron jacket pit.

Emu:

Qocho promised nothing and delivered nothing. We thought they were going to die quick, and they, well, died quick. Didn't even put up much of a fight. Refreshing simplicity. Can't love 'em, can't hate 'em. This is one civ you can take at face value.

Lacsirax:I always like to root for the Mesopotamian civs, out of some misguided hope we might get another Palmyra (still one of my favourite civs in the CBR annals, despite somewhat underachieving late game). Assyria, with their Palmyrene-purpley colour scheme, were no different. But in nigh on every test we ran, Turkey would militarize quickly and rush ‘em, often leading to them being eliminated first. This proved true in the real run too, but given it took Egypt joining in to finish ‘em off, we’ve been merciful and let Sammuramat take a pretty generous 59th.

Vihreaa:

The Anglo-Norse, unlike other civilizations that died early, actually were one that I remembered coming to do these writeups. Whether that be because they died very early, or their name is just very easily associable with their region, who knows. The Anglo-Norse were not very successful this game, to say the least, and the Power Rankers about expected as much. Unsurprisingly, they quickly capitulated to their neighbors and were soundly beaten in the competition for the better Anglo civilization.

Msurdej:  

The Philippines were always thought of as a bottom of the barrel civ.  We predicted they’d be run over in short order, and sure enough Indonesia took them out in 57th. But look on the bright side Emilio, you had a bold forward settlement for your first settler, and you did better than Rizal did in the Mk2. So kudos to you.

Rosay:

Alright imma be honest I completely forgot Modoc was a participant this season. Like they literally did nothing of note, no quirky long stall, no super early death that we’d remember, and they weren’t such an immediate disappointment like Comanche who died really fast. I really don’t want to phone in any of these write ups too hard but I honestly ask you, is there anyone out there who’s favorite civ going in or out of this cycle was MODOC?

JDT:

In a region as tight and competitive as South America, it’s not unlikely for a civ to draw the short end of the stick in terms of starts. Hell, it’s not unlikely for a civ to die immediately and get consigned to the vault of forgetting. Brazil was not initially thought to be that civ. Pedro I had a storied history of strong AI performances, and though they had possibly the worst start in South America, they were drafted 35th in part 1. Evidently, enough of us believed they could expand fast enough and scrap well enough to a mid-rank finish, or better yet, exceed expectations and become a dark horse for the conquest of South America. Evidently, the doubters who paid more attention to the fact he was sandwiched between two projected superpowers were correct.

Pedro came off to a very middling start, though we initially overestimated their abilities due in large part to Rio de La Plata flopping big time, giving Pedro a bit more breathing room. They failed to take this opportunity, letting the Kayapo and Inca cordon off northern Brazil while never capitalizing on RDLP’s mega-bust of a run, all the while falling behind on military and science. Then in part 7, they decided to put the nail into their own fairly rickety coffin - throwing away Sao Salvador in a peace deal with the Inca.

That basically ended Pedro’s game. He limped along for another 10 parts, pretty impressive for such a weak and powerless civ. Occasionally, he threatened to attack the similarly powerless RDLP, but ultimately did nothing until the Kayapo decided to put them out of their misery in part 13. They did do one thing of note in their death though - this death took 3 whole parts, an unexpected length of time necessary for such a lopsided matchup. Maybe Pedro can stay rocking for independence in a different timeline, vespers of his OTL military power showing here.

Altima:

Alas, our poor Florida men. Squandered their chances and never recovered. They weren’t even particularly novel in their failures, they just cocked up a peace deal real back and got ground out forever. Unlike other failures, they don’t even have the cushion of one time they did a fun thing. They only have loss. So it goes.

Leman:

In retrospect Yolngu were a really important civ. They were the first of many civs killed by Timor-Leste. A stepping stone on Timor-Leste’s path to greatness and domination. Granted, that’s not a great look if you’re a Yolngu fan, but we don’t have too many of those left. I guess that’s not entirely fair. Yolngu had a few flashes of brilliance holding off Wiradjuri for longer than they realistically should have, which honestly, is not an easy feat. So, good job?

Leman:

Vermont sucked. I’ll just say it. They gave away cities they didn’t need to. They failed to settle more than like three cities. They didn’t get to their maple trees. They just kind of sucked. They got absorbed into America just like real life, which is cool. But as much as I liked them, I have to say that Vermont played like trash. And they weren’t even fun like Comanche! Bottom ten for sure.

Msurdej:  

Khazaria was a civ that fell pretty early, and was only held aloft by most civs forgetting it. They held onto their last city for a while, but eventually lost it. They will probably be forgotten, much to the dismay of fellow PR emu.

Orange:

The Ainu did little of note in the game, there was potential, sure, but they didn’t end up doing anything with it. Mori was fairly weak which should’ve been the chance for the Ainu to break out but instead they chose to follow the Mori and do nothing, slowly getting picked at until they finally fell. One place above their final death, their resting point is a slight

Rosay:

When we at the power ranking team, myself especially, expected Uganda to make it far into the game, this is not what we had in mind. Uganda spent the entire game turtling in the mountains in a much less endearing fashion than Cambodia, finishing the game in the upper third of civs. That normally sounds like a good fate, but keep in mind THIS WAS A POTENTIAL GAME WINNER. Like next to Brandenburg, Uganda has to be the most disappointing civ in the game, but at least Brandenburg can say it waddled its way to the endgame.

Msurdej:

The most impressive thing about Cambodia is how long they lasted. Getting rumped  early on, Cambodia didn’t reach 61st due to the sheer clusterfluff of other civs around this time, but they stayed in the bottom 10 for the rest of the game. While they ended quite high at a moderate 32, they don’t deserve that rank. Heck, 52 is probably too high for them, but that’s just me. So enjoy 48th place Cambodia, you 2nd least favorite city state.

Rosay:

Ok so looking through the rankings and for some reason I'd always gas up Central America for some god forsaken reason. I don't know why in all honesty I think it's that they just had overseas colonies and could really harass the seminole, and they did a bit to some extent. But after that they literally were just there, existing until being wiped out. Good job Central america you really were burned before the mohave could give you a nuclear winter

Cloudy:

Botswana was a civ we thought would die quickly, and while they didn’t die as quickly as we thought they would, they didn’t do a whole lot to convince us that we were wrong about them either. They never captured a city, and of the six cities they built themselves, way too many were given away in peace treaties without a fight. What was left over got scooped up by Angola in their rise to power. Overall, we think their 44th place elimination was probably slightly generous, but that Botswana mostly deserved what they got.

Emu:

Ol' Quacky.... Okay, let's be entirely honest here, Kwak didn't deliver much beyond jokes. They hamsterdanced around the PNW, drew adoration for their funny name, died to Cree. They were a middle power at their peak, but their coast-hugging and simultaneous refusal to build a navy didn't really do them any favors. Yet another PNW disappointment.

Lacsirax:Kyivan Rus’ were one of the civs I was most anxious for when recording the run. I had a feeling they’d be terrible, and that was okay - I just wanted them to be eliminated by Lithuania, or Brandenburg. I really, really didn’t want an episode focussed on Vladimir marching on Kyiv. Thankfully Turkey did the business instead. Not much else to say about a civ that never really escaped their starting locale, except to say their tech was absolutely dreadful. I remember mousing over them praying they’d tech past pikemen while civs around were almost at tanks.

Lacsirax:

One rank higher than their contemporaries to the south, Vladimir were equally unspectacular - at least, in the timeline that survived. One of the aborted timelines saw Vladimir actually fight back in their climactic war against Lithuania, reaching a favourable peace settlement and looking the more respectable of the two nations. I’m not sure it had much effect on either civs’ eventual fates, mind you - eastern Europe just seemed a bit cursed this run.

JDT:

Egypt is one of the biggest “what if’s” in the history of CBRX. After a fairly unassuming start, they converted a very good production base of settles into a terrifying early game empire, fielding a powerful army and pouncing on opportunity after opportunity, filling out Arabia with countless forward settles and dominating the mid-east. Then they made one massive move, one giant step that would seal their fate in greatness or destruction - they attacked Assyria.

Assyria was split up between Yemen, Turkey and Egypt, and Egypt was, for the most part, heading the assault. However, when the dust settled, one of Egypts worst case scenarios transpired. Turkey had eaten a lot of the productive cities, and worst, Akenathen got the short end of the stick. Sure they took Assur, but they also got saddled with unproductive land, a lot of unhappiness, an out of position army and warmonger penalties. The question became whether or not they could convert that into productivity fast enough. But in a move that would make Suleiman and Mehmed II gush, Ataturk turned his armies around near-instantaneously. Over one part, the once mighty Egyptian empire crumbled, condemned to the depths of irrelevance by Ataturk’s sweeping conquest. This was also supported by Sudan getting picked off by Chad, leaving the Egyptians with but a single city - Akenathen (Ok they had Thebes for a while but they gave that away in a peace deal to Turkey for no reason).

The Egyptians suffered silently, blending into the idyllic calms of the Nile, becoming best known for their exports of eggs and drywall. Then finally, in an uneventful year ignored by all the world, Chad eliminated Egypt in 45th place. They didn’t even get a play by play when they got knocked out.

Woe be Echnaton, King of Kings, clipped his wings of despair. Nary someone rem’berd, posing tall, as the sands of time laid him bare.

Vihreaa:

Blue Cassette sighs another breath of relief as another, “internationally controversial” country that lives in the memory of people today goes down without much success (I’m looking at you Nazi Germany). North Korea was remarkably unremarkable throughout their game, barely breaking out of the Korean peninsula and never really becoming much of a power. Korea is one of the areas that would be very cool to see a strong power come out from, as it seems these days the powers from Asia are relegated to hailing from further inland.

Emu:

Tetouan was the kind of middle player that constitutes the meat of the first half of every BR. After getting updated to be better 3 days after the official run started, they floundered and flopped their way right to the middle of the pack. Moderately interesting, slightly successful, the kind of civ everyone should aspire to be if they don't really care about doing anything important. But hey, they did exceed initial expectations. So that’s something.

Cloudy:

Mori was sadly not the most exciting Japanese civ in CBR history, which is especially unfortunate given that the bar isn’t even very high. Yes, they did eventually unite Honshu and eliminate the Ainu, but they were very slow to do it, and they made a lot of unforced errors, like giving away a city to North Korea in a peace treaty. And then they just sat there until it was time to get completely steamrolled by the Mohave in about 1.8 seconds. Skill issue.

Altima

Hey, remember how we gave these chuckles rank 1? Yeah, that didn’t exactly pan out. In fairness, they had decent terrain and a fairly aggressive track record. They just randomly decided not to do anything about the early Chilean settles, and that kinda deep-sixed their prospects. From there, it was just a slow death as they got boxed in hardcore by the jungle to their north, an actually solid Chile to their west, and a Brazil they just didn’t have the oomph to kill to their east. But hey, at least there was that one time they snagged an undefended Incan city. That was a fun moment.

Cloudy:

The Massagetae were a civ that we thought might be part of the big contest for Central Asia, but actually turned out to be little more than a speed bump along the way. Tomyris built a small but respectable empire, but simply failed to spam enough cities to compete with the Permians and Tuva, who eventually dismembered her nation despite her at times heroic efforts to keep it. Unforced errors sped up their demise, like giving away their second city in a peace treaty, only to expend significant resources retaking it later. The Massagetae weren’t as much of a pushover as some of the civs lower down, but there unfortunately won’t be too much to remember them by.

Lacsirax:

Look, I know I ran this game, but that doesn’t mean I remember much about it. What happened over the course of several months for most of you happened over the course of a week or so for me. A lot of the less explosive civs blur into one - the civs that weren’t notably wiped off the map early, but didn’t stick around long enough to reach the late-game turn time slowdown. The Zulu I mostly remember for having an almost entirely coastal kingdom that the almost entirely naval Kilwa failed to make a dent in. And, naturally, being Timor-Leste’s first eyebrow-raising transcontinental conquest - I suppose in that sense, they’re one of the most important civs in the game. That is not enough to earn them a top-half finish here, though.

Vihreaa:

Ming’s claim to fame was their return after being revived in the late game. Their early game was unremarkable; being shoved around by both their southern and northern neighbors. Despite this, they were able to claim some settlements off the Chinese mainland, namely in Japan and Hawaii. Their final rank of 36 is likely due in part to their revival, and goes to show how some civs can rise in the rankings through sheer luck rather than their own success.

Vihreaa:

Pandya suffered the curse that many other civs starting on the Indian subcontinent face: being unable to break out. Relegated to southern India for their entire game, Pandya never did much, and because of that they were quite forgettable. In fact, it took me an uncomfortably long time to even remember what civ they were! Better luck next time, buddy. Maybe the next Indian civ will do better.

Lacsirax:

The Maori were touted as a somewhat exciting prospect going into the game - namely, as an island civ that might be able to take advantage of a mediocre Australia to transform an unlikely start into a fierce thalassocracy. In retrospect that seems very silly. Impossible, even!

So yes, they’re overshadowed by Timor-Beste. But on a different dice roll you could see how the roles might’ve reversed - the Maori made the early moves we wanted from them, confidently settling the mainland and building a decent little fleet. They had chutzpah, and they entertained - the fact they still failed is really more evidence of just how impressive Timor’s eventual success was.

JDT: As the original Irelandsweep believer, it’s fitting that I get to write about one of the civs ever. Ireland showed a surprising amount of promise right out the gate, getting to 4 cities surprisingly quickly and building a good production core and army. They then capitalized with good wars on the Anglo-Dutch and Castile. However, there was one problem. They neglected to settle the Isles, letting Greenland, the USA and, most prominently, Brandenburg. This was soon followed by another big problem - they fell behind the curve in tech, and invested in the wrong things. Nevertheless, the Luck of the Irish persisted, and they somehow pushed all the way to Iberia in their little forever war with them. Unfortunately, the landing in Iberia would prove the end of the Luck of the Irish.

Soon, they slowly, surely began collapsing, not replacing their army in their hubris and inexplicably failing in utilizing what military they had. We mocked him for this, relentlessly. This culminated in them getting divided by Greenland and the Anglo-Dutch, including the humiliating battle of Tralee, becoming anglicized and a mere footnote in history. But hey, at least you outperformed your seed Michael. #Theirelandsweepiskindareal

JDT:

Allende overperformed expectations by finishing a very solid mid tier. Unfortunately, judging by the fact no one wanted to claim this until just now, it’s clear that his impact on the game is limited. He did outsettle RDLP, and then seize their Patagonian settlements, but between that and them eventually dying in the hands of the Kayapo as the game started ramping up into the information era… yeah I got nothing. They truly were a civ that existed, perfect for our halfway mark. At least they weren’t a flop and instead, they turned the tables on the mortal enemy that usually murders them.

Emu:

Kilwa, Kilwa, Kilwa. They got in based on their reputation for being jokesters in civ form, but the joke's on us: they really didn't do anything of interest. No far-off settles, no insane snipes, no ill-fated naval expeditions, just a middling civ that existed on the Swahili Coast. They didn't even bother to settle all of Madagascar. Losing it all to Yemen was interesting I guess? There was definitely hope for them, we've seen them put on a real show in other games (most notably the Bad AI game, which really should've told us something about them), but this time they were just a dud in a continent of other duds.

Msurdej:  Greenland spent most of its time being a civ of middling quality, not doing much and just vibing in the North Atlantic. Failing against Ireland and America, before  But that changed when Hans was on their last legs. The navies of Greenland tore through America and Britain, giving the Anglo-Dutch and Mohave some serious headaches. It may have been a slow game, but one can say that Greenland truly lived before they died.

Altima:

All y’all Timor stans best be thanking Wiradjuri, ‘cause their utter mediocrity as an Aussie civ is the sole reason Timor Leste became Timor Best. Their repeated failures to unite Australia left the door open for TL to eventually swoop in and do it themselves, granting the Archipelagic nation a full continent for their production base. Wiradjuri did do a fair bit of fighting of their own, for what it’s worth. Their failure to unite Australia was not for a lack of trying, and they did knock a few cities off the actually-completely-inept Maori. They were the least incompetent of our Aussie civs. Alas, that still leaves them plenty of room to suck.

Orange:

I just want to say: I think they deserved second, and I ranked them second for this final bow, but they have a low of 61st high of 2nd, a very contentious civ. It was absolutely hilarious seeing them get teleported to the sub’s circle, something I knew would happen since they weren’t mountains, and then survive all the way til the end. Making that 14 page comic was also one of my highlights of the season, and by far the best thing I’ve made for CBR, maybe even artistically in general. That play alone made them top tier, and making that comic solidified them as one of my favorites. So pour one out for Isabella, the largest final bow drop, only rivaled by a civ no one liked, Uganda, and then raise your glasses for the queen of the Antarctic.

Cloudy:

Chad was a civ that we thought would be interesting, but turned out otherwise. They were hardly a pushover, and they won many wars, but never convincingly. They did eliminate Egypt, but only after millennia of leaving them as a city-state. And when a more technologically advanced Angola eventually invaded, they folded without much resistance. Their elimination in 22nd was probably delayed due to the overall inactivity in Africa, and we decided that they were more of a middle of the road civ that deserved a few places lower.

Msurdej:  

Muisca was... certainly a civ in this game. They were good, don’t get me wrong, and far surpassed what we thought they would do. But they never really did a lot of notable things. They bullied Central America, lost a few cities to Kayapo, then sat around until dying in Total War. They lose points for being a boring entry to be sure, but it’s a respectable one to say the least.

Emu:

For all I doubted Indonesia during their run (and for all Xanana proved me right), I actually kind of liked them. The odds against them weren't quite as extreme, but making something of their start is still no mean feat. I'd define them as a sort of lancer figure to Timor-Leste. Doing a kind of similar thing, powerful enough to be a real threat when they fought, not quite powerful enough to win. I'd venture to say that if they spawned anywhere but right next to terrifying Timmy, they would have made it in at 15th place or so. If they had gotten that far, no one would be able to say they didn't deserve it. They fought hard, built a respectable empire, defied expectations, but sometimes there's just nothing you can do. Timmy had the right units in the right places at the right time, and Indonesia just had no chance of recovering from that one devastating blow. The fact that this writeup is like 75% about another civ really says a lot about the overall game impact of that one beautiful moment.

Emu:

The Permian bear struck terror into the hearts of their neighbors right from the start, holding 1st place for several parts and remaining a respectable power even after getting stomped by Tuva. They made a few conquests of their own, nothing to sneeze at, and just as it looked like they had made their way back to their former glory, Turkey swept in with astonishing speed and absolutely destroyed them, eliminating a former top power in the space of 2 parts and forever proving just how terrifying Ataturk was. These guys were the Worf of the season from start to finish, serving as a strong guy to get bodied to prove the villain of the week is serious business. Even so, their performance was nothing to sneeze at, so we decided they deserved a spot here, 20 places above where they died.

Orange:

Lithuania had a weird game, like, they were powerful for most of the game but didn’t really do much with that power. They had a lot of land available to them and expanded a lot but then also let a lot get taken away by Brandenburg. Lithuania to me feels like the epitome of a civ that could’ve had it all but didn’t go for it. At so many points had they declared a war or done some settles they could’ve been a world power, but instead they stagnated, slipped, and tumbled down into the 20s.

Vihreaa:

America may have not had the most successful game, but they were certainly entertaining. Instead of Manifest Destiny, President Roosevelt sought a pan-Atlantic Empire, spanning from the mainland states, to the Caribbean, to Spain, to the British Isles, America acquired many overseas territories. Unfortunately, these strung together territories were not able to translate into the power to defeat their North American rivals, ultimately falling to the Arapaho, albeit in a glorious last stand in the face of their overwhelming force. As a patriotic American, I feel obligated to RAH RAH USA USA 🦅🦅🦅

Leman:

Oh, Bengal. I had such high hopes. And for a moment Bengal looked to be keeping up with expectations. They had a strong start with solid settling, good production, nabbed good early wonders and kept ahead on science. And then they stopped. Shuja just got up and left. And stagnated for like 700 turns.

Luckily there was a last hurrah in Total War for what should have been the best civ. Bengal’s finest moment came moments before their death as their massive army pushed into Afghan India, capturing several cities. For a moment there it looked like the underdog was going to take down the rotting colossus. But, alas, Bengal’s production could not keep up with Afghanistan’s tech advantage. Well, at least they went out with a bang. Enough for top 15 finish and a top 20 final bow.

Emu:

The Normans were a very Italian start civ. Like Two Sicilies before them, they peaked with their mastery of the Mediterranean, but didn't really get much further than that. They were an entertaining middle power for sure, staunchly resisting the stronger Brandenburg and later Mali, but they never really had much game impact outside their native naval neighborhood. I would say that if they were in a better position they could've gone somewhere, but seeing Brandenburg's performance I'm pretty sure they could have broken out just fine. The very epitome of a Top 20 civ.

Cloudy:

The Anglo-Dutch were a civ that truly surprised us all. Ranked 60th in episode zero, we fully expected them to get crushed by Brandenburg within a few episodes, but against the odds they repulsed Brandenburg’s early assault and held on past literally dozens of other competitors. They never controlled much land, and they never had a very strong army, but despite every hardship being thrown in their direction, they simply refused to give up, launching an unexpectedly successful conquest of Ireland that turned eyes across the cylinder. Their simple refusal to die during total war, and their dramatic capture of Berlin from an extremely precarious position, ensured that they will live on in the hearts of fans. Although we couldn’t realistically give them a final ranking high enough to match their actual elimination in 13th, we decided that they deserve a top 20 finish, because what they lacked in size they more than made up for in pluck.

Cloudy:

There’s not a lot about Kayapo that the power rankers can agree on, except for one thing: they were, if nothing else, unconventional. Their strategy of building a few extremely tall cities, building all the wonders, and leaping far ahead in tech came surprisingly close to working, as they became the second strongest civ in South America and for a brief moment looked like they could threaten Incan supremacy. It didn’t work out that way, but perhaps in another universe it might have. Despite their high tech, the Kayapo were not particularly good at warfare, and while they managed to dispatch some weaker neighbors like Brazil, Rio de la Plata, and Chile, their ability to stand up to peer opponents was minimal. Nevertheless, they absolutely left their mark upon the course of the season, and we decided that they easily fall in the top 20—even though the spread among the rankers was considerable, from 8th to 45th. And although they were eliminated in 11th place, their death was prolonged due to a lack of naval units in the South Atlantic, so we’ve moved them down a few ranks—but not too many.

Leman:

Man, Gokturks were weird. They had a slow start. They were slow to settle and get going. Then, for a hot minute, they looked great, slapping around the Ainu and embarrassing Han. They were on top of the war. Then they lost an upset war against their southern neighbor and gave up. Gokturks did effectively nothing for the rest of the game, only really making it to the endgame because Tuva and Han were kind enough to not use their unending armies to put Bumin Qaghan out of his misery.

Like many civs, the Gokturks’ time to shine came during Total War, where they managed to put up a tenacious defense and survive against Han and Tuva just long enough that better civs could kill off those terrible rivals. They didn’t really get to enjoy that victory for long. Arapaho came along right afterward and finally put Gokturks in the ground.

Wait. They didn’t? You’re telling me they didn’t? You’re telling me Arapaho forgot to take out Gokturk’s final city for like 300 turns? You’re telling me they just decided to leave them there until we reset the game? Ok. We’re not counting that. Gokturks were a solid civ but got to the rest on a strange fluke.

Emu:

Yugoslavia: the other European power. Way more dynamic than their northern rivals but never quite as powerful, Tito is the guy we all wish would've won over a historically very weak Europe. Sure, they were never incredibly successful or really objectively that great at all, but next to Fred-Willy Tito looked like Xanana or Tupac. At least they made an effort of some kind (with some success, too). Really, I think we all just wanted SOMEONE to wreck the hated Brandy, and Yugo was our best bet. They got incredibly close too, nearly conquering Berlin and everything south of it before giving it all up in a horrendous peace deal. No doubt these guys will go down as The Civ That Deserved Better.

Leman:

I like Kokang. Everyone likes Kokang. They were unexciting, in my opinion, but a solid, tenacious, scrappy civ. They got their share of moments, rumping Cambodia off the rip, devastating the Philippines, and having their share of upsets against powerhouses like Han and Mohave.

Sadly, I also found Kokang to be unremarkable. They are the highest finishing civilization that never got a single kill (ignoring Castile). After the first few turns, Kokang never looked incredible to me. Always just solid. They had a solid army, solid technology, solid economy. Solid enough to hold on till endgame and defend against Han and Timor-Leste for a surprisingly long amount of time. All in all, if you’re a Kokang supporter like me, then you should be happy with this performance.

Leman:

As a big Yemen fan, I am both extremely proud of Yemen’s performance and somewhat disappointed by it. Yemen as a civ, is absolutely monstrous, so I truly expected Arwa to absolutely trash her neighbors. She didn’t do that. And that kinda sucks.

However, after we wrote off Yemen in the early game, Yemen absolutely did not give up. With an army of traders and strong tech base Yemen was easily able to keep up with the big boys and make it to Total War no problem. During Total War, Yemen went from some underachieving, overteched rump state into the scrappiest underdog that I’ve seen, simultaneously holding off the two scariest civs on the cylinder: Turkey and Timor-Leste far longer than she had any right to.

All good things must come to an end, and Yemen’s defenses finally broke after the reset. But only after Yemen had snuck into the top ten, outlasting behemoths like Han and Tuva. All in all, I can’t say that’s a bad way to go.

Altima:

Brandenburg is a civ that continually failed to impress. Despite the strong expectations going into the season, despite some pathetic neighbors (some of whom they even acted on!), despite consistently impressive stats, despite a (frankly unearned) top five finish, Brandenburg just never did anything. So why?

Well, for one, they enormously cocked up their first war with the Anglo-Dutch. Taking the most direct route possible, their AI with its free Embarkation destroyed basically their entire land army by sending it on a doomed amphibious invasion rather than just marching it up the slower land route. This mistake alone screwed them for basically ever, as it meant the AD actually got the chance to build up they never should have had.

From there, their AI just rolled a really heavy naval focus, which is consistently bad for German civs given that they always wind up fucking about with Italian and Balkan civs that their navies cannot help with. This was made worse by the unit limits mod- that massive naval carpet meant they physically were not allowed to build a land army after a certain point, leading Yugoslavia and the Anglo-Dutch to get some cheeky snipes they really shouldn’t have been able to. So that’s not good.

Ultimately, they just spent too long with too much of a navy sitting impotently in the North Atlantic. They always had too much statage to be truly ranked among the runts and the mids, but they never really did much with it. They were basically always the strongest of the Euro civs, but that just meant we had a boring as piss Europe. For a civ that should have had it all, all they had was disappointment. Their finish was number five, but they didn’t even make top ten in our hearts. May they rest in piss.

Orange:

Angola has a surprising jump up to 11th, and I gotta say I don’t entirely know why. Africa was a continent of losers, unlike the previous mk’s there weren’t any major powers at any point, but Angola solidified themselves as the most major of the field of minor powers, eventually breaking into the south and the north. But I think they truly faulted when attacking the Normans, as that war ground them down for so little gain, and put Mali in prime position to become the “winners” of the continent. Angola was the poor man’s Nigeria, Lesotho, or Boers, the one who lost to the runner up. I don’t think they deserve 11th, they played alright, but not 11th good, mostly here due to the lackluster Africa in the first place.

Rosay:

Cree at one point was looking like a contender to win the game, but unfortunately they never really jumped on any of the many opportunities they had to expand, and spent the majority of the game throwing their men into all different sorts of meat grinders. For example, back when Arapaho was quite literally a bunch of empty plains, Cree could have at anypoint teamed up with either America or Mohave and blitzed through the Arapaho core but they never acted on it. There was also the empty tundra of Greenland, which were ya know, at the very least cities . Greenland was also always on the table to maybe branch into the weaker Europe but Cree was never able to make the arctic trek through the north pole to do so. That's not to say Cree did nothing however, crippling Kwak was always welcome by the community and they did push the Americans out of Canada, but it was too little too late, and no amount of late game prep could have saved Cree from Arapaho's rise to global power status.

Emu:

Tuva: the overwhelmingly large civ that couldn't. I don't know anyone who really liked them, I don't know anyone that really hated them. They're just the Siberian civ that did great because of all the space they had. Maybe that's not entirely fair, they did beat Perm and the Gokturks both pretty handily, and they were #1 for a stretch for good reason. They did a lot right, but I just find it hard to be terribly impressed. They did just about as well as you might expect given their natural advantages and a decent AI. Conquered a bunch, stagnated a little, fell behind in tech, had the misfortune of bordering Turkey because they neglected to finish off Perm, and it was curtains. They probably would have died sooner if not for the fact that they had so much land to retreat across. This all really sounds like I'm deriding them, but I'm not. They just..... were a Siberian giant, with all that's come to entail.

JDT:

I’ll just put this very uncontroversial statement out here - for most of the game, Han was fucking hype.

Han was expected to do decently. Sure, they had a bust chance that was reasonably high, and they weren’t expected to touch the limits they touched, but they were brimming with potential and a strong start, contested only by the Gokturks and Ming. After an early war with the Gokturks that led to some trades, Han started doing something amazing - they started playing chess when the rest of the world were playing go fish. They dismantled Qocho, decisively winning the scramble for their disparate uncontested settlements. And then, they pulled what I consider for centuries to be the quintessential Han manoeuver - don’t build an army, then the moment you go to war somehow demolish your opposition with a high quality military. The Ming, Norkies and Gokturks both felt the full force of this principle, and to smaller extents so did the Tuvans, Afghans and Kokang. Coupled with leaving buffer states and being the Celestial Empire for a fair amount of time, the Han had a reputation for retaining a powerful and efficient empire.

At least, until the endgame. At some point in the early late game, Han fell victim to large military institutional rot, building a massive trash army of drones that siphoned their cash flow and thus left them unable to complete the tech tree before total war. When total war was eventually declared, the Han army got shredded immediately, and they crumpled up like paper in the unexpected hands of Afghanistan. Even if that dragon turned to origami at the end, let it be known, here once were dragons.

Altima:

Mali’s a full one. Full of failures, like that time they just couldn’t kill Tetuoun or failed to snag early Norman colonies. Full of successes, like that time they shrecked the Normans and Angola. Full of noble stalemates, like how they held off both the number one and number two powers on the cylinder at the same time during Total War. Honestly, despite how bafflingly mediocre they were for most of the game, I’m happy they made it to the top ten. They earned it in the end.

Leman:

As the most contentious member of the Elite Four, Arapaho was hated by many and loved by few – hence the 4 rank drop. Seen by many as a ruthless killer of other, more interesting civilizations (Like Mohave, Cree, America, Greenland, Comanche, Gokturks, and Muisca – Arapaho killed a lot of civs), Pretty Nose didn’t get many fans. Even then Arapaho’s run this season was undeniably monstrous.

Starting with strong, wide settling, (including Quebec), and a quick assassination of Comanche, Arapaho quickly asserted themselves as a powerhouse in North America. The midgame was quiet, as Arapaho quietly teched up, filled out the interior of the continent and watched the other North American powerhouses, America, Mohave, and Cree, clear out the North American rump states. In this midgame, we almost counted Arapaho out, as a relic of the past. Despite her explosive start, Pretty Nose would probably be carved up by her neighbors.

Then came the first war with Cree. We expected a stalemate with some nominal Cree victories. Arapaho was the underdog. We expected them to lose. But they didn’t, Arapaho had a tech advantage and used it to cleanly snag a handful of core Cree cities, shocking us all.

But Arapaho didn’t stop there – Pretty Nose turned on her rivals one by one, taking them apart with ruthless efficiency. A grueling war with America left a second rival broken and rumped, as several disconnected states along the Atlantic. Another war left the Cree, the former strongest North American civ, a pair of frozen huts in the Bering Strait. Arapaho found itself at the brink of Total War, the largest civ on the cylinder, with a towering pile of stats and dozens of enemies.

Luckily for Arapaho, those enemies didn’t stand a chance. America, Cree, and Greenland were cleaned up ten turns after total war was declared. Mohave was driven from North America soon after, forced out after a shower of nuclear weapons from the continent’s interior. Arapaho even managed to dive into South America and eliminate Muisca. Fifteen turns into Total War Arapaho had united their continent and were poised to push into South America, Europe and Asia.

And here is where the trouble starts. Breaking into other continents proved to be extremely difficult. The Gokturks were easy enough to break, but unable to be eliminated. Arapaho failed to muster an Atlantic navy to go after a broken Brandenburg. The Mohave in Japan were holding much stronger than they had in America. And war with the Inca turned into an unending meatgrinder.

Even when the world was reset, Arapaho struggled to break from her conquered continent.  The old embarrassment of Gokturks was quickly cleaned up and Arapaho did manage to kill off their ancient enemy of Mohave, but they were unable to stop the Timorese advance. Arapaho was the final civilization to fall to our champion, ending in second place. An incredible run for an incredible civ.

Orange:

Oh my blessed Mohave, how I cherished you so. Mohave was fucking fire, I just gotta say. They weren’t quite T-L’s 61st to 1st, but they were still a respectable 55th to 9th (and now 5th), even taking top spot for a bit. Took their shitty spawn, settled well, beat back Modoc, still sent a settler into Central Asia like they did in the tests with their second settler because why not, made a Pacific empire, had Avi Mota grow way more than it had any right to be, and fought hard to live as long as they could. Mohave felt like an underdog the whole game, yet still powerful. I still believe if they had attacked Arapaho when Arapaho was engaging in their wars to unite North America then they could’ve won, but alas they choked in that instance, didn’t attack when they had their science lead, and slowly got outpaced by their eastern neighbor, until it was eventually too late. They did amazing for what they had, and were so close to having it all, top 5 here is a testament to their strength, popularity, and wonder. Rest in power Irataba, you played well.

Cloudy:

Afghanistan was a dark horse victory contender that took the world by storm and fell only just short. They were always strong, of course, as they entered the top 20 in episode four and never left. They founded a large number of cities that boosted their stats, causing us to temporarily raise them into the top 5, but they mostly sat on their empire without making big moves, causing them to stagnate so much that for a while it seemed they were cursed to sit in 11th, forever barred from the top 10 by the narrowest of margins. And for a moment, when the Permians began chewing through their northern frontier, it looked like they were done—only for Ahmad Shah Durrani to awake from his slumber, halt the Permian advance, destroy Pandya, and secure Afghanistan’s rise. When total war hit, the power rankers again acted as prophets of doom when Bengal pushed through their eastern flank, but again Afghanistan persevered, crushing Bengal and then steamrolling Han in a single campaign that launched their prospects into the stratosphere. By the time the dust settled, the Afghan Empire stretched from Arabia to Manchuria, and there were even whispers that they could win it all. They ultimately did not, obviously, but we felt their final placement in 8th belied the great effort they put into reaching that utmost goal, so we gave them the honor of 4th instead.

Cloudy:

Coming into season 3, the Inca were not a civ that we expected to become a global power. But by episode four, it was obvious they were on the rise, and that same week they broke the top 10, never to fall out of it for over 40 straight episodes, a completely unambiguous performance matched by few others. Only two episodes before the end, we ranked them 1st, and they periodically led in various stats throughout the game. In terms of military prowess, they were unparalleled in the Americas, fought Timor-Leste head to head, and dismantled the longtime tech leader, Kayapo. All around, we decided that there were only two civs that deserved to finish higher than the Inca, despite the fact that they technically finished 6th, a placement that was, in our view, clearly too low.

Lacsirax:

Season 3 was defined by dark horses and disappointments, with the majority of our big tips falling well short of expectations. Turkey’s a bit of an exception. Although they were only ranked 16th in the initial PRs, those who had a bit more access to the pregame tests knew Turkey could be a handful. Like clockwork they’d take out Assyria early and tech up fast, often scoring easy wins against regularly weak neighbours like Khazaria, Egypt and Kyivan Rus’. And while other test tyrants like Rio dela Plata and the Comanche sputtered out early, when it came down to the real thing, Turkey delivered.

And delivered! A weaker, fragmented Europe and Africa meant they faced very few threats for much of the game, allowing them to plot carefully timed wars against once-powerful foes. Most iconically, their evisceration of Perm alongside Tuva cemented an undisputed top 5 ranking, where they would remain for the entirety of the game thereout. While they continued to make pickups against weaker neighbours, an uneasy border with fellow power Afghanistan would sap a lot of their resources come total war. I think failing to break through the Graveyard of Empires was probably the turning point in their fortunes - unable to concentrate more troops on their weaker rivals, they hit something of a brick wall once the majority of Europe was checked off the to-do list, and seeing them routinely lose recent conquests to Mali was a bad portent. With that said, their Asia-spanning domain was easily the most impressive land empire of the first cycle, and despite never quite getting off the ground in the restart, by that point they already had the silver medal in their clutches. Hats off to Ataturk, the most successful West Asian leader in CBR history.

Emu:

And here we have it, the greatest underdog story in CBR history, 61st to 1st, the invincible Timor-Leste led by the immortal Xanana Gusmao. He started his incredible performance by not getting the shit kicked out of him by such intimidating civs as the mighty... Yolngu? Philippines? Okay, it doesn't sound that impressive, but it's way better than they did in any of the tests. Anyway, the red and gold tide made landfall on the Australian continent against a weak Yolngu, but that was nothing compared to the tipping point of the entire region: their breathtaking war against Indonesia. They were considered to be close to equivalent powers, and Indonesia was a contender in its own right, but Timmy put a stop to that with speed that wowed us all and won over the few who still didn't like them yet. From there they followed a pretty standard scrappy naval power trajectory: Blitzing through Australia and avenging fellow islanders Maori, cleaning up their immediate environs, conquering half of Africa... hey wait a second. So the fact that the conquest of Africa is only the second most surprising victory of their story really says a lot about Xanana. A far-flung outpost of former Zulu cities that everyone expected to collapse at the first real threat somehow became the premier power on the continent. A continent that was disconnected from their core and had more likely powers on it. Move over Avi Mota. From there they kept up momentum into TW fine, but going into the last part they were considered the weakest civ with any chance of winning. But, in a move that should've been surprising to no one, they came out of nowhere and conquered the diminished Cylinder, blowing up half a continent to top it all off. Hats off to you, Xanana. Never again will there be a civ with a more thoroughly deserved victory. And that's it for the Civilization Battle Royale X3, I have been and will most likely continue to be Emu Spy, and from the entire PR team, we'll see you in 2024 for the next go-round.