Episode 21: Matters of Life and Death – S2

Good evening, and welcome to a most solemn occasion. The final episode of the first cycle, and thus, the commencement of total war. After the events of this episode, all the surviving nations will resume their machinations on a smaller, tighter cylinder, starting from their final capitals and receiving various bonuses corresponding to their success in this cycle.

For those of you who were here for the last season, things will play out a bit different this time. While total war is declared on Turn 1155, it isn’t perpetuated. In other words, if two civs decide to make peace to focus on their real enemies, they are not forced back into war. After this we’re going to Cycle 2 (AKA Endgame), so this is less about getting absolute winners and losers and more about clearing out the chaff. If you’re worried this means the episode will be uneventful, don’t be: this episode is a riot, and things will never again be the same.

Let’s not beat around the bush: this episode is 200 slides long, and we have a lot to get through both on and off-screen. So I’m not going to spend too long on each slide - I’ll be giving you the need-to-know facts and a little analysis. Welcome to the fabled Final Episode of the First Cycle.

Our map comes as ever from the wonderful Vihreaa. Look how many cities there are - it’s credit to the showrunners that the game is still running relatively smoothly even at this stage of the saga. One thing we missed in the episode but sort of visible here was the death of the poor Yuan, who had done an excellent job at staving off certain annihilation for centuries, but finally fell to a Kulin expeditionary force. The biggest change to the map since last time was the fall of Two Sicilies, reduced to only four cities and surely soon to lose even those.

/u/veryice portrays a pain we all know too well - the knowledge that your unproblematic favs will only last as long as the world’s at peace, and it won’t be at peace much longer. But will either of these two microstates beat the odds and endure the coming storm?

Coiot: As always thank you to all the supporters who have directly contributed to this season’s continuation and beyond. Truly thankful for each and every donation, it is greatly appreciated.

They may not be the true focus of this episode, as the Cylinder’s serious powers jostle for supremacy. But 21 is Finland’s highest ever ranking. For them, this is the big time. Can they keep that forward momentum when all around them descends into mayhem? It’s unlikely, but then, Finland sticking around to Episode 21 wasn’t hugely likely either.

Before we get to the excitement, we have about 50 turns to breeze through first. Don’t worry, it won’t take long.

Kosovo declares war on Kurdistan, who have one city and 119 citizens. I can’t really see any way through that enormous chain of citadels running from Tbilisi to Sine, so Barzani should be fine for the time being. Kosovo’s territory is littered with Northern Yuanic helicopters; when total war comes I’d expect those to be obliterated immediately, so Rugova could certainly have picked a worse civ to share open borders with.

Laos joins Kosovo in the war of the city states and unbelievably they’re the ones who are actually threatening the city, with two lost Laotian War Elephants suddenly finding themselves on the front line. In any normal, self-respecting universe this would be nothing more than a silly diversion… but Qamislo is already at near 0 HP from constant bombing raids. They couldn’t… could they?

Of course Qamislo is only one front of this continent-spanning war, as Fa Ngum also brings the battle to, er, southeast Africa. But despite being more in their natural habitat, I think the elephants here in the savannah will be less lucky than their compatriots in the Middle East. They’re up against Kurdish tanks. It won’t be long until the Zambezi will be running red with pachyderm parts.

We hit a golden age: likely the last of many for this cycle. In the background, Lesotho and Zaire both certainly host peacekeepers, but their lands are a lot less densely packed than most of the Cylinder. This should make it a much more open and intriguing area of conflict in, say, forty turns time.

Heavens, Laos have brought back-up! They sure are serious about this little endeavour. That said, with the South Caspian swamped full of embarked Nigerians, I’m not sure they’ll have much of a through line down south to… hang on… those colours…

In one fell swoop, we lose two members of the one-city club. Kurdistan is eliminated in 26th place. And unbelievably, it’s Laos that deals the final blow, putting them on a whopping two cities… for the amount of time it takes them to raze Qamislo, at most. Well, it’s not like they were going to hold it for very long, but it’s still a disappointing lack of ambition. This could have been your way back into the game, Fa!

Kurdistan is a tricky civ to eulogise. I was really supporting them going into the game, and they disappointed me at every step, founding only a handful of cities and butchering every attempted invasion they tried, even against fellow no-hopers like Jerusalem. They had the very occasional diversion against civs like Punjab and Hejaz, but ultimately it was their war with a surging Zaire that proved their doom… eventually, as it has to have been one of the slowest and most boring invasions we’ve ever seen in a CBR. Fitting, really, for a civ who frustrated the power rankers to the extent that, week-in week-out, we merely informed you that they continued to exist. Well, now they don’t.

A couple of turns later Rugova realises there’s nothing left to attack any more and makes peace with the deceased Kurds. In the meantime we see the Federated States of the Two Sicilies. I think last episode said they controlled three cities - there is a fourth, as somehow they clung on to Jerusalem. It’s incredibly hard to see how they’ll hold on ‘til the next cycle: it almost looks like Nigeria’s gearing up for an invasion already.

Confirming what I said earlier, poor old Yuan was eliminated off-screen last episode. You’ll note Kulin actually managed to reclaim the tile Hetu Ala is located on from the Chukchi, too. While distant outposts can be useful jumping-off points, I’m not sure Barak’ll be able to do much with this paltry colony. I’d expect this to be among the first cities to fall in total war, with hyper-advanced Chukchi units already standing by. Speaking of which: Lawtiliwadlin, annex your cities! You’ve had Japan for ages now, it’s time to build some courthouses!

Taiping declares war on Laos. Gee, I sure hope that’s not an omen for something more life-threatening. Like, say…

Punjab declares war against Laos, which probably heralds a much faster re-entry to the one city club than they’d maybe anticipated. Well, I say that, but the two civs only barely border each other, and some handy Chukchi peacekeepers are currently occupying the little stretch of the Mekong separating the two belligerents. Still, the bombing raids have brought the city to the deep black already, so it’ll only take one unit. It could be a case of when, not if.

Fa Ngum has been eager to enlist more war elephants, given how successful they proved in the Conquest of the Kurds. Unfortunately the only war elephant training academy is in Sukhumi, and most of them haven’t managed to find a way home yet. Let’s face it, they’re safer up here.

Sai Gon must have flipped, because the Laotian ministers have relocated to Qamislo (the minimap shows Sai Gon in Laotian hands though). But I imagine it’s pretty hard to hold council meetings and hearings when, er, everything around you is on fire. That’s right, despite relocating their capital to their new Kurdish colony, they’re still completely locked into razing it. And guess what? That’s true even if Sai Gon falls for good. Laos could be about to set an incredible record: the only CBR civ to actually eliminate itself. I am speechless.

Sai Gon now flies Punjabi colours once more; this time, Laos won’t retake it. Fa Ngum once again joins the one city club… for as long as it takes for him to destroy his last city. This has to be the single most ignoble way to go in CBR history, watching as your own armies destroy your legacy. Unless he can make it to Total War and have the slightly less embarrassing exit of being taken out by whichever civ sneezes on him first.

The Marajoara will go into total war with one huge advantage: they’re one of the few civs to not be completely overrun with a hodgepodge of foreign XComs. Indeed, their units are even encroaching into Kulin-held Caracas, though kept away from the city proper by some Rio Grande divisions. The Marajoara may well go into the next Cycle with the best position of any contender - after all, as it stands theirs is the only capital on the whole of South America. But they’ll have to avoid being sandwiched by Rio Grande and Kulin in the wars to come.

Ah, the Finns. You want a fun Finnish fact? Finland has neither gained nor lost a city this entire game. Not a single war they’ve fought has resulted in a city flip. That’s insane, and surely won’t last into total war - especially if that huge Kulin contingent to the north sticks around. The Soviets on the other hand aren’t committing any troops up here (I mean, why would they?) while Uzbekistan’s forces here are probably less impressive than Finland’s, or at least less advanced. Karimov has built a huge chain of citadels up to Helsinki though, enlisting the Nigerians to defend it. Remember when Helsinki was the largest city on the Cylinder, dwarfing the other villages at a mighty 40 population?

The world’s a terrifying place for stateless pirates on their last legs. But the remainder of Iceland’s privateer fleet should be safe for now in this patch of the Atlantic, surrounded by embarked Marajoara units. You should think these units will be torn apart by the nearby advanced Vandalic armada - hey, even Gaul might do a number on them. That poor embarked Mississippian infantry won’t last too long either. Total war is total hell.

The final Laotian city keeps burning. If left to its own devices, Laos would absolutely burn themselves off the map. But that would take another 22 turns, and we don’t have that long. The time approaches, and I’m not sure Laos will hold out long enough to see their crazy plan through. Nigeria seems most primed to take them out, though it’s hard to see them clinging on to the outpost much longer than a turn or two, with both Zaire and Uzbekistan ready to move in. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Still one slide to go...

And it’s just a recap on the best tourist destinations on the Cylinder. I’m guessing there won’t be too many international tourists in a couple of years. A lot of international travellers, though.

Right, that’s quite enough of the preamble. Let’s get to the main event. The Cylinder enters total war. Strap in.

The first thing to point out is we’re going to be a bit more zoomed-in than usual for these fateful turns. The game simply wouldn’t run otherwise. Still, it’ll give us some pretty impressive shots, as you’ll soon see… For now, I’m enjoying the war elephant model from the local Laotians. Clearly we’re yet to have seen any conflict, with all the units and cities blissfully undamaged. This’ll be the last time you see such a peaceful shot for some time.

The world is about to turn day-glo, as nukes are dropped left right and centre. First to feel the nuclear force is La Paz, a Kulin city in South America bordering Malacca. South America really was a cursed continent this time around, wasn’t it? Kulin do seem to have successfully carpeted the area, though the proliferation of puppeted cities means they won’t be able to replenish their front lines here easily. Their best bet is a snatch-and-grab victory with what forces they do have, before suing for quick peace.

BOOM! A fantastic action shot of Laredo being obliterated by a nuclear missile. You know, I sure am glad this is just a video game. There’s one thing worth noting in this slide - the nuclear bomb seems to have reset Laredo’s defence value to a far more reasonable 187. Looks like the key to taking out cheatin’ Rosillo is going to have to be nuclear.

Pictures taken moments before disaster. Peaceful Tipasa is about to be rocked by a missile itself. Of course, the city isn’t just a sleepy island town - it’s one of the Vandals’ key airbases, so it’s no shock to see it targeted so early. The Vandalic army here is technically a carpet, though they hold so few land tiles I’m not sure how much it will count for in the grand scheme of things.

The Med starts to run red, as Zaire-held Avellino takes its first damage. But that’s not the true story of this slide. The banner at the top is the only indication of another elimination: the final city of Palmares, Papaloapan, falls to the Marajoara (who also seem to have taken a couple cities from the Kulin and one of the Vandal Brazil colonies).

That Palmares should fall to Marajoara isn’t really surprising, but it sure came about in a roundabout way. Zumbi has had a pretty miserable game, relegated to a corner of Brazil for the majority of the game by the more expansive nations of the Marajoara and Paraguay. They bled a city every few centuries, before finally being worn down once and for all by Paraguay… but not before gaining a city from the Olmecs in a bizarre peace treaty. So instead of heading to the sub, Zumbi instead enjoyed retirement on a single tile in Central America, in a city that weirdly didn’t appear as a capital, despite being their only city. In the end they managed to stay there many years, outliving their would-be conquerors Paraguay and even the Mapuche to become South America’s second longest-living civ. But their demise in this episode was so inevitable we didn’t even dedicate a slide to it. Tragic. Palmares fall in 25th place.

The Vandals once held a mighty empire across the Caribbean, but it’s been reduced to just a single city now, Panormus. And I wouldn’t grow too attached to it, as it’s already started to take serious damage. P’küee should be in total control here, with the only other units being some doomed embarked Chukchi suckers.

The Marajoara take first blood in South America (well, they move before the Kulin, so that was inevitable). Temu Ko’s on the right side of the Andes for an easy capture, but William Barak could certainly float back in without too much trouble on his turn. This will be a very flippy front.

You’ll be astonished to hear that this city will fall this turn. Hlotse, long surrounded by superior Zairean forces, didn’t really stand a chance. The real test for Mobutu is if he can turn this into a structured attack on Lesotho’s core. He won’t make any progress against Nigeria, so this is his best bet for a strong showing going into the next cycle. Those huge unit models to the top left look even more imposing now we’ve zoomed in.

In other news, the Neutrals are still dead, but now also at war with every other civ on the Cylinder, so they’ll probably soon be super-dead. This has been your daily Neutral update.

I don’t care what anyone says: Zanzibar is in this. All they have to do is use that privateer to capture some advanced units, let the Nigerian navy burn itself out on the Marajoara, and swoop in to take what remains. Actually, I can’t see any way this fails. Zanzibar #1. Per the minimap (and my secret spreadsheet), Punjab took a city in Arabia and another in Cambodia.

It’s our first original capital flip of the episode, as Perm’s old stomping ground of Cherdyn falls to PARG. This is the first active conflict we’ve seen between Red and White Russia - a much hyped rivalry going into the game, the stubbornness of Perm kept the two nations apart for much of history. This shot alone tells us who should be the favourites here - the Soviet land is covered only by Kulin’s former peacekeepers, who will surely ravage the land before being killed off, leaving it even more open for those White Russian death robots. In the minimap, Nigeria takes their first blood - and thanks to their abundant peacekeepers, it’s German Essen in the Balkans that falls. It remains to be seen if these peacekeeper conquests (err, warbringers?) will hold longer than a couple of turns, but Nigeria and the Kulin will surely hold a few weird exclaves when all is said and done.

A big talking point going into this episode was the viability of Gaul. For a while they were ruled out as a footstool for Germany to leap from, but the longer they’ve stuck around the more their stats have shaped up. Their men on the ground are sorely lacking, though. They should deal with the warbringers blotting their territory but they’ll have to rebuild fast to rival Germany - who, need I remind you, receive a production bonus for every civ they’re at war with. Yikes. Still, Barcelona at least is isolated and surrounded by enemies, so I can’t see that particular German exclave sticking around much longer. Meanwhile, the Chola take three cities in Indonesia, East Africa and Cambodia (the one they just lost to Punjab). The Chukchi take a city from Taiping and, er, that Lesotho city that was reduced to a single tile. And Two Sicilies take a city! They reclaim Cyprus from the Germans. Hopefully Ferdinand doesn’t get too used to victory.

Who said you can’t take cities from Rio Grande? The Dene stroll into the former Mississippian Fox Farm. Rio Grande’s border cities aren’t quite up to the ridiculous defence stats of their core, so Thanadelthur could potentially see further early success on this front. Rio Grande does look to have bolstered their forces up here though, so it’ll be slow going either way. Uzbekistan manages to grab a couple cities: the city in Oman they lost to Punjab earlier in the turn, and a Zairean outpost on the Caspian.

Things aren’t so good on the home front, though. Lenin seems to only have about ten units to his name, but you can’t say he doesn’t know how to use them effectively. He marches straight into Margilan, and while it’ll likely flip back, it bodes well for Lenin’s less-is-more fighting style. He’ll also manage to reclaim Cherdyn before his turn is through, as well as Mtskheta on the Black Sea from Kosovo.

In a strange echo of a time gone by, the Australian superpower’s capital appears to have been nuked. I can only assume it was by some native New Zealand separatists. If there’s any surety about the course of this episode, it’s that the Kulin will probably be okay. Australia’s a tough nut to crack when you’re not also fighting every other civ on the cylinder. The test for the Kulin will be holding onto their colonies, not their core. Genseric takes his Brazilian holdout back from the Marajoara.

In case there was any question as to if the Chukchi’s brazen conquest of Hlotse was the first spark of a huge southern African wildfire… no, no it’s going to fall back to Zaire or Nigeria or even Punjab imminently. Weird warbringer conquests are fun, but the true battles will be fought on the borders. Off-screen, Lesotho reclaim Malindi from the Chola, which they lost earlier this turn. On-screen, he appears to be bombing Zaire for all they’re worth, with both Goma and Bukavu in deep black.

The same goes for the Nigerian colony of Essen: an interesting diversion, but it won’t be long until it’s reincorporated into Deutschland. Kosovo’s capital is already suffering relentless bombardment, and off-screen their Ukrainian city of Ferizaj falls to Germany. It’ll be a miracle if they make it through this episode in one piece.

One civ that certainly wasn’t going to make it out of this one alive was Zanzibar, and their final Antarctic holdout falls to the Kulin, eliminating them in 24th. Even just having been conquered, the city stands at 118 population - an absolute megapolis.

It feels like a lot of the eulogies I’ll have to give this episode are going to be underachievers. Zanzibar certainly fit that mold, though their story wasn’t without its twists and turns. They had a decent start, settling a couple of mainland cities and standing up to an at-the-time superior Somalia without much of a fuss. But then, as some civs do, they just stopped. Unwilling to settle much more of Africa, they let their available land be gobbled up by Lesotho, opting for a couple of towns in the Seychelles instead. After a series of wars with a number of powers, they briefly found themselves relegated to Oman, in an ironic twist on the old Bill Wurtz meme. But eventually they wound up stuck in a single city in the bitter colds of the Southern Ocean, where they did nothing. Except breed. They did a lot of breeding. Zanzibar leaves memories, but not much of a legacy.

Elsewhere, this was a busy turn, with Malacca and the Kulin both having moved. Mansur Shah mostly consolidated his homeland, taking the recently Punjabi city of Sai Gon as well as a couple cities from the Chola and that stray German city in Baja California. Their only wild conquest is Paraitonion, right in the heart of Arabia. The Kulin meanwhile mostly focused on South America, wiping out the Malaccan colony and reclaiming Temu Ko. They also claimed a Polynesian island from Malacca and Taiping’s long-forgotten Kyushu settlement.The next slide’s gonna be a bit much, so bear with me...

So unfortunately there’s a whole turn of screenshots missing due to a reload. I think this might have happened a few times in the game before, but usually you wouldn’t notice, you know? Only one or two serious things usually change in a turn. That’s obviously not the case in Total War, so going solely off the minimaps let’s quickly sum up the events of 1156…

In Europe the Vandals take a Gaulish city in Spain, while Germany removes that Nigerian blight while capturing the Kosovar capital, Pristina. The USSR has a decidedly mixed turn, seizing the Caucasus from Uzbekistan but losing their entire eastern borderlands to Kulin warbringers.

In Africa, it’s a bit of a manic exchange. Nigeria takes a city from the Vandals and Zaire, the latter also losing one to Uzbekistan. The Kulin and the Chola both take stray cities from Lesotho. In the Middle East, the entire southern coast of Arabia changes hands, split between Zaire, the Chola, Uzbekistan and Punjab, the latter making advances on Zaire-held Iraq. Laos lives to continue self-destructing.

In Asia, the Uzbeks lose a city to PARG and somehow the Chukchi, who also unite Japan. Taiping suffers losses to Malacca, Northern Yuan and the pure emptiness of nuclear destruction, with a city wiped from the map. Punjab takes a city from Chola on continental India, while the Cambodian city that keeps changing hands is Chukchi-controlled.

In South America, the Vandals swap out one of their colonies for another, while the Marajoara get rid of the helpless Kulin exclave of Caracas. In the North, Rio Grande takes back Fox Farm while the Chukchi advance down the coast of California. Right, back to regular proceedings! No more skipped turns thankfully.

The Vandalic capital is looking very vulnerable, likely from heavy bombing, and the Nigerians certainly could find a way into the city. Eradicating the Vandals should really be Nigeria’s priority 1; their territory in North Africa is fairly ill-protected, but their overall outreach is great enough that they’d probably enter the next Cycle with some healthy bonuses. If they could take their capital and have their government exiled to, say, New England, they could even transplant the threat onto their rivals.

Germany isn’t quite going for the wild, transcontinental captures of the Kulin - but he does manage to grab a little exclave, the city of Acre, which was Kosovar before Total War. Kosovo could definitely see themselves torn to shreds over the next few turns, as multitudes of XComs from all over the Cylinder converge on the remnants of their empire. But Rugova has never gone down without his guns firmly blazing, and the tiny naval detachment just outside Acre should be enough to retake it, if they aren’t destroyed before they get the opportunity.

Kosovo is deserted. Sounds terrible, but hey - it’s pretty deserted by enemy troops too, so for the time being it’s not the end of the world. It seems most civs have bigger fish to fry than Kosovo, and they’re being largely ignored, only Wilhelm sending a token nanohive Prizreni. Kosovo’s sole operative for the next few turns is survival, and currently it’s on the cards.

The Rio Grande-Marajoara front hasn’t moved yet, but we can see that the former’s ridiculous defence values probably won’t come into play, as they’re the ones pushing the advantage. Wiltwyck and Heemstede are both sure to fall, though later conquests will run up against the still-powerful Marajoarmada. Every city on this slide was founded by New Netherland. Feels like ages ago when they were a serious contender, doesn’t it?

Rosillo does make some conquests this turn, taking the Kulin colony of Puvunga, Palux up in Washington state, and Tonalá in Mesoamerica. Rosillo only really stands to gain from total war thanks to his ridiculous defence values, and so far he’s making full use of the opportunity, with serious forces advancing on Dene-held Kuruvunga too. The Chukchi’s conquest of California seems less secure, though the area hasn’t been much reinforced by previous owners Malacca.

The Dene have two very powerful neighbours to contend with, but currently they’re holding up just fine, with a healthy detachment of units protecting their border with Rio Grande, and a crack force surrounding the city of Nodena. But any attempt to take the city is a forlorn hope - a defence value of 819 will ensure Nodena’s going nowhere, and any units that stray near it are sure to be annihilated (thank heavens it only gets one attack a turn). Over time, I’ve come to accept the weird, wonderful and patently unfair glitches that the CBR throws up as part of the chaos. But I’m definitely glad this one’s since been patched.

Rio Grande and the Majoarara’s war will, by necessity, be mostly fought on the high seas of the Caribbean. But they do share a small land border, and it’s Rosillo who’s pushing the advantage currently, sending a few units to bother the heavily damaged city of Palaloapan. But these appear to be the last units Rio Grande have hanging about this area - in the long run, I’d expect the huge Marajoara reserves to eradicate the attackers and eventually swamp Rio Grande’s former Olmec holdings. Before being annihilated by the ridiculous city defence values, of course.

I really thought the Vandal colonies in Brazil would be some of the first cities to fall, and I’m impressed they’ve clung onto Macaco this whole time. It does seem the end is imminent, though, as Marajoara forces swarm Severino and advance on the colony’s administrative centre. If the Vandals are to make anything of this long-held endeavour, it’ll be with naval support while the Marajoara fleet is preoccupied with dealing with Rosillo.

Beversrede was a relatively recent conquest by Rosillo; as a result, it has a far more reasonable defence value of 204 - still higher than most cities, but only by a value of 20 or 30, not, er, 700 like Rotterdam just south. Perhaps aware of this relative frailty, Rio Grande has firmly reinforced the area, ensuring any naval snipe would be short-lived. At the top of the screen, Rosillo’s forces converge on Terwe Dorp; it’s a little hard to call as we can’t see the full context of the battle, but Genseric certainly doesn’t seem to have the naval supremacy we’ve come to expect of him in this area.

One colony that’s actually made gains is Chola-held Zanzibar, with Lesotho’s city of Malindi sporting yellow colours. It should fall to Zaire sooner rather than later, as Mobutu also reclaims Hlotse, which has to be the most flipped city of the wars so far. Indeed Zaire definitely seems to hold the advantage in this flashpoint region, though Nigeria’s recent gain of Isiro is already being bolstered.

I’m pretty damn impressed with the Chola - I mean, I have been for several episodes now, because everyone and their aunt expected them to fold to repeated invasions by Punjab. But almost as impressive has been their tendency to cling on to distant territories by reinforcing naval conquests with a strong presence on the ground - it’s a tactic the Vandals have been using to great effect all game, but the Chola are doing it with a fraction of the production and army size. Even in Total War, Raja Raja clings onto the Horn of Africa for dear life, and I don’t see nearby Zaire or Nigeria managing to make inroads for some time.

The Chukchi seem to fancy their chances with Pakse, having sent several XComs to patrol the area. But with the city on zero health and Punjabi XCom standing right there, it will of course fall to Ranjit Singh when he takes his turn, which as we can at the top left is next. Mobutu had a decently successful turn, taking three cities in the Horn of Africa and one in the Middle East, though all but one of those were cities he held at the start of Total War.

In all the excitement of Total War I almost forgot about the mania of Qamislo. I’ll be frank, I expected the city to fall to Zaire or the Soviets almost immediately, but it seems all world leaders have respected Fa Ngum’s wish to go out in style. In fact, they’ve helped Fa Ngum along - bombing raids have reduced the population of Qamislo to 1, meaning that unless it’s taken very soon, the city will vanish before the turn is up. But German and Zairean units are poised right outside the city’s ramparts - will either of them put an end to Fa Ngum’s masochistic madness, or are they simply there to watch?

The race for Chola-held Jeddah is on, with Zaire leading the way and Punjab following close behind. The Chola’s smash-and-grab tactics might only be so effective, likely burning out their navy for fleeting gains. As such Duba, on Socotra, falls to Punjab.

South Asia has probably been the Cylinder’s bloodiest corner in recent episodes, and things remain predictably volatile in Total War. As the Chukchi exclave of Pakse falls back to Punjab, the front in Odisha remains as much a mess as ever. Katharagama is being assaulted by a Nexus that’s somehow snuck behind the front lines, while Chola units stroll into the heart of India a little aimlessly. A strong navy in the Bay of Bengal should ensure the safety of Sarpang for the time being. The Chola remain on the knife’s edge they’ve sat on for several episodes, but so far they’re still perfectly balancing.

Further west, the front is very tense. Punjab has taken Pazhaiyarai but it’s certainly only temporary, with Chola forces swarming into Maharashtra. Raja Raja has doggedly defended his homeland all game, and I have to admit I’m willing him to hold firm til Cycle 2, which seems more than possible at the moment.

Ranjit’s main gains this turn were in their large northern exclave, taking two cities from Karimov up there, as well an Uzbek colony in Oman and, as expected, Pakse back from the Chukchi. We’re right in the corner of Uzbek territory, so I don’t want to read too much into the situation, but it certainly seems like PARG holds the cards here, with Qarshi sure to fall soon.

Nigeria has an absolutely incredible turn. In the shot we see them taking Jerusalem, and looking likely to hold it too. The area around Tripoli is eerily empty - one of the Cylinder’s few safe havens at the moment. In total Awolowo takes eleven cities this turn, claiming mainland African cities from both Zaire and the Vandals, Caucasus territory from Lenin, a stray city in central China from Mandukhai and even Malacca-held South Georgia. A very impressive showing, though we’ll have to see how many of those were quick conquests from their left-over peacekeepers and how many will stick.

I think it’s fair to say this stretch of Antarctica was sure to fall to Kulin, with Raja Raja’s hideout of Lindi easily seized. Chin up, at least it won’t be randomly assigned as your capital if Cholapuram falls. As expected PARG takes Qarshi, but also seizes Bekabad from Punjab, which doesn’t bode well for their long-term prospects in the region.

A single Chola XCom finds its way into the old Georgian capital of Tbilisi. The area’s been fairly neglected by previous owners the Soviets, so they might even be able to hold out a few months. Raja Raja also reclaimed a couple of islands - Socotra from Punjab, and Mauritius, which they seemingly had lost to Lesotho.

It seems unlikely much of the Heavenly Kingdom will stay intact by the end of Total War, and the Northern Yuan have already started to sweep up the cities they so aggressively citadelled a few episodes ago. Still, Mandukhai’s forces already look a little thin, and they’re under threat of being sandwiched by the Chukchi. Indeed Lawtiliwadlin takes Kokand and Kansk in Central Asia, and they seem to have enough forces in place to expand further.

As I noted earlier Lawtiliwadlin has also united the Japanese archipelago for the first time in the history of the Cylinder. Granted, both Songjiang and Pukou had existed only as 1-tile Taiping tax havens for centuries, but you know, it’s a statement.

The Chukchi also take a couple cities from Malacca - one in Guam and one here, Kuukaamonga. It seems like the end for Mansur Shah’s little Californian experiment, as the final holdout Yaanga is besieged by both Lawtiliwadlin and Rosillo, with barely a Malaccan ship in sight.

The Gaul-Germany front has felt fairly slow so far, though in this shot it appears like Germany will take first blood, with the fairly undefendable city of Avaricon completely besieged. That would be incorrect, though, as Gaul has actually just taken Teramo from the Germans down in Italy. Scotland doesn’t seem likely to go his way though - despite the huge number of planes sitting in Cenabum, Hafnarfjordur remains unscathed.

The Kulin capture Krasnodar from the Soviets, which is about as far as they could possibly get from their homeland. They have a mighty contingent up here, but the territory still seems essentially unreinforcable - even Finland could have a shout of taking the city. And they’re Finland.

Mannerheim, you mad lad. Krasnodar falls to Finland, which is their first capture of the whole game. They’ve still not lost a city either, so their war record is standing at 100% right now. Truly a brilliant and much-deserved addition to the roster. Will they keep it? Almost certainly not: I think Lenin will probably fancy having it back. The entitled bastard.

Hong Xiuquan is fighting for dear life, briefly retaking his city of Zhelin from Malacca. But that squadron of Malaccan XComs alone could probably eradicate every single one of Taiping’s land units on this screen. It certainly won’t be long until Hong goes the way of his brother. But you know. Without the resurrection bit.

The Dene move to dismantle Vandalic New England, taking the Neutral Nation’s long-standing hideout of Niagara (brief tangent: the Neutral Nation are still dead. This has been your daily Neutral Nation update). They also retake Fox Farm and, if you squint closely at the minimap, you’ll see they’ve also taken Tyumen’ from Punjab, right in the heart of Central Asia. A late contender in the bonkers exclaves stakes, but a welcome one. The Uzbeks grab a few cities back, including one on the Horn of Africa.

PARG’s push into Central Asia is a bold strategy, with this area forming the crossroads of the great powers of Asia. Surely a more concerted push into Northern Yuan would have proved more fruitful? Well, maybe Kolchack’s burned by the last miserable failure of a war against them - or maybe he’s realised this might be the best strategy after all. Uzbekistan are a fair bit weaker than they used to be, and joining in the dogpile on them ensures they’ll be, at best, a very minor player come Cycle 2. In turn, that’ll give PARG ample space to grow peacefully with little threat for the first few eras - Northern Yuan will (presumably?) start in Karakoram, a fair throw away from White Russia, while the mountain range that separated Kolchak from his bitter rival Lenin should still prove a handy natural barrier as it did the first time around.

As we noted earlier, the Kulin have taken a few cities in the far north of Russia, specifically the old Permian territories around the Ural Mountains. The former Permian capital of Pokcha actually looks pretty secure at the moment, with the only foreign intruder in the territory being a nearly-dead Punjabi XCom. The GDRs just over the border in White Russia might prove a nasty threat, but we have to ask: just where is the Red Army? We’ve seen Lenin pick up a few gains here and there, but it seems to have been at the expense of his homeland. This could prove very beneficial for Wilhelm and Kolchak.

Nigeria pushes the Vandals right up to the Atlas Mountains, seizing Ubari and filling the Sahara with endless bodies (including some handy velociraptors). These recent conquests should hold, I think, but any further incursions are sure to fall prey to the oldest tale in the book of CBR - the eternal land-sea flip. Genseric still rules the waves, and shouldn’t let any of these coastal cities slip away without rapid retribution. Still, if Nigeria can grab hold of the cities moments before peace is declared, it could decide the fate of the continent come Cycle 2 - an impaired Vandals would give a huge leg up to Awolowo.

The Vandals are trying a subtler strategy of conquest; planting citadels then quickly settling the new territory. With that said, the settler they’ve sent isn’t escorted, and may well be captured by the German XCom looking on bemused. Bibracte, deep in the red and now a border city, suddenly looks very vulnerable indeed - but the Gaulish army still seems to be hanging together. Meanwhile Lenin has responded to my accusations of weakness by sweeping through the Caucasus, nabbing a Kosovar city and even retaking one of the Kulin’s conquests. Genseric on the hand sweeps into Niagara and - in Finland’s first ever loss - takes the Karelian city of Porvoo.

Lesotho reclaim Butha-Buthe, which spent most of the game under Namibian control, but was originally founded by Moshoeshoe. The Kulin, who had briefly occupied the city, look to have scattered in this region, but Zaire and now Malacca remain big threats for the African underdogs. They do also take Hadrumetum, the Vandalic city in Antarctica. If the current screen’s anything to go by, it might wind up being their capital before this episode’s over...

Immediately afterward, Lesotho takes an even shinier prize - Windhoek, the former Namibian capital. It won’t hold, with Mobutu already having the city totally surrounded. But it’s very important that Moshoeshoe is currently the one making the first moves and putting Zaire on the back foot - they don’t have nearly enough production to hold against Zaire forever, so stalling for time by swiping the odd city here and there is the best strategy.

Well then. In what has to be a first in CBR history - maybe Civ AI game history? - a civ has successfully destroyed itself. With the razing of Qamislo, Laos is eliminated in 23rd place. And yes, I triple-checked the full export for this turn to make sure I was correct and it wasn’t a stray nuke; it assuredly disappeared from the minimap on Laos’ turn.

Frankly, Laos has been more interesting to talk about in this episode than in every other episode put together. Both Laos and Vietnam squabbled inefficiently, dooming them to mutual irrelevancy. Fa Ngum’s main military “success” was avoiding being destroyed by the Chola for a few generations. But all that changed this episode, when out of nowhere they notched up two eliminations. Kurdistan and… themselves. We’ve talked about civs declaring suicidal wars before as a self-inflicted coup de grâce. But this is another level. This is the stuff of legends. In one fell swoop Laos have transformed themselves from one CBRX2’s most forgettable civs into one of its most iconic. I guess if you have to go out, it’s better to go out on your own terms.

Malacca have consistently been among the favourites to triumph in Total War, with their incredibly powerful navy poised to wreak havoc on Asia. But the trade-off is likely losing their little-remembered Polynesian colonies. The Kulin have always been dominant in the south Pacific, and it’s their troops that sweep into the Samoan archipelago. This turn Mansur Shah did manage to take five cities, four of which were tiny islands, and the other being a former Tongva city, Puyunga. In stranger news, the former Namibian capital of Windhoek is captured by Wilhelm II, making its time as a Lesothoan settlement incredibly brief. Strangely in our timeline Wilhelm II was actually the German leader to lose the colony of Namibia, so we’ll see if CBR Wilhelm can make amends.

We zoom in on newly Malaccan Puvunga to see an absolute mess of borders. And of course it’s the Chukchi we have to thank, who once again have pulled their strange territory stealing tactic on a city, Yaanga. I don’t think this one will hold out as long as Hetu Ala did, though! Halfway down the peninsula of Baja California, we can see Tuhunga has been wiped from the map. Hard to say who did it, but the Chukchi are definitely the power players in this territory, at least where the coastlines are concerned.

Some cities weren’t really made to survive Total War, and the Chukchi colony of Varen, the city in the bottom right corner of this scene, fell to the Malaccan navies that long surrounded it very promptly. It’s impressive then that the small Chukchi detachment stationed there managed to hop to another island, capturing Malaccan Wuxi (the island of Guam, if you’re wondering where in the world we actually are). Indeed, at the top of the screen a few other Chukchi boats mill about, perhaps ready to establish a front in these islands and prevent Mansur from sweeping further north. But can it match the mighty Malaccan armada? We’ll have to wait and see.

Raja Raja is clinging onto the former VOC core for his dear life, with the islands completely besieged by Mansur Shah (and a curious exploratory force from William Barak). The Chola has 32 planes in Batavia and Ambon alone - I’d probably relocate those pronto Raja Raja. I’ve praised their ability to hold onto distant colonies already, but I don’t think any amount of tactical nouse would ensure these stay in Chola hands.

At the moment it’s advantage Marajoara in South America, though William Barak is taking his turn now, and that Nexus should (and will) be enough to take Temu Ko, returning the front to essentially antebellum. A stalemate is an absolutely fine result for both sides here - Kulin will be happy conserving their current power level as the leaders in most stats, while the Marajoara will be ecstatic to stay in the upper echelons of the civs given their potentially perfect start in Cycle 2. Notice the stray Kulin tile south of Newken - a relic of Mapuche’s bordergore-happy UI.

Malacca rules a lot of ocean. The South Pacific isn’t one of them. Kulin forces dominate this area, and the three Malaccan cities in this shot are all likely to be sporting Kulin colours by the end of this turn. Speaking of which… what are the Kulin’s colours? I’ve been debating whether it’s blue or purple for literally the entire series. Sound off in the comments I guess.

The Yellow River valley is as much of a dog’s dinner as the rest of the map, though the main winner in this area so far perhaps comes as a bit of a surprise. It’s Mandukhai who has made the most advances in the torn apart Taiping Kingdom, making it as far south as Jiujiang. This will give her a border with Malacca, though - here’s hoping the new neighbours haven’t noticed yet. Elsewhere Nigeria have taken a stray city that they’re likely to lose next turn, while just northeast Kunming has been completely eviscerated. Northern Yuan will also grab Kansk and Wusong before the turn’s up, on their southwest borders. The Kulin meanwhile take a huge swathe of Malaccanesia as expected, as well as a handful of other scattered cities, like Sosnogorsk in North Russia and strangest of all, the former Kosovar capital of Pristina.

The Kulin-Marajoara front is among the hottest on the Cylinder. In this shot Koz Koz falls to the Marajoara, the furthest they’ve reached so far, but it comes with the caveat that Kulin troops are already knocking at the gates of the former Paraguayan capital of Asunción. It may feel very recent that the Kulin colonised this area, but that’s only because we’ve had a few serious time skips - they’ve had plenty of time to reinforce the region. Rosillo takes back a couple cities he’d let slip earlier.

Nigeria look to be focussing the bulk of their effort on Zaire - a decent idea, definitely preferable to getting stuck in coastal flipfests with the Vandals. Kolwezi may have briefly been recaptured by Mobutu in this shot, but Nigeria already advances on Kananga and Boma, both heavily bombed out. Still, Zaire isn’t short on reserves yet, and might be able to stall out the fight until a friendly peace treaty. They also take back Windhoek. Bad luck Wilhelm. The Marajoara have claimed a few weird cities, not least Suzhou in China, as well as pushing the Kulin all the way back to Kura Rewe in the River Plate.

One area Zaire hasn’t a hope in hell’s chance of hanging onto is Arabia, and sure enough Ranjit Singh starts to push into Zairean territory, capturing Sirnex and sending an XCom to the devastated city of Khamis Mushayt. Ranjit Singh looks to have had an explosive turn - I think he’s nuked THREE cities off the map in Central Asia alone! He’s also advanced further into Chola-held India and sniped Kananga from under Nigeria’s nose. By the end of his turn he’ll also take Khamis Mushayt and Kerkuk right at the top of this slide.

Just north of the nuclear devastation, the Dene outpost of Tyumen’ is nearly vanquished, with Punjab and PARG both looking to make the final blow. PARG are yet to properly break out of their homeland yet, but I’m not sure why - they have plenty of troops. I guess they just don’t have the ultra-mobile XComs of their neighbours - it’s more of a defensive carpet. Great news for Uzbekistan, who are statistically one of the more vulnerable nations on the map.

Woof, you can see from the minimap change that this has been another bumper year for Nigeria. In this shot alone we see the Vandal metropolis of Houndé fall - though that’s a smash-and-grab that should be reconquered before the turn is up. Elsewhere they make serious gains on Zaire, taking Boma and briefly Punjabi Kananga as well as the former Hejazi capital of Mecca, Paraitonion just north of that, and Avellino on Sicily - did you forget that that was Zaire-controlled? They seem to have a real vendetta against Mobutu, but do also take time out to capture the Vandal desert outpost of Sicca and Kosovo’s Turkish city Mitrovice. Awolowo is definitely the biggest winner in the war thus far, but there’s plenty of time to go yet.

Hey, Laos are still alive! There’s still time for them to capture and immediately raze another city like the neo-Huns they are. Unfortunately they’ve brought their mighty war elephants to Chieti, which, er, comes pre-razed. Not only that but nearby Foggia has also been destroyed, leaving Two Sicilies with just two cities, which is still two more cities than I expected they’d have at this stage. Aquila seems certain to fall to the mighty Nigerians next turn. Could Awolowo make a push on Germany from there? It certainly isn’t out of the question - Wilhelm looks a little thin on the ground here.

Mighty Malacca has been nuked - I can only speculate, but perhaps a retaliation for the nuking of Coranderrk? I’m sure this will be devastating for the morale of Malaccan troops everywhere, but morale only matters so much in completely uneven fights like the battle for Palembang just northwest. Offscreen, Kolchak takes that Dene outlier as expected.

Raja Raja is just about holding his own against Punjab, doggedy defending Sarpang and Katharagama against unspeakable odds. They’ve nabbed a couple of other cities here and there too - Kelantan on Sumatra, and a handful of localities in Arabia, where they’ve held out way longer than I expected them to. Every time we think the Chola house of cards must come tumbling, somehow all the tension still holds it together. As long as they can keep hold of his core, I suspect the Chola might be a bit of a dark horse going into Cycle 2.

You can only be sure of one thing with the Chukchi: bordergore and more bordergore. Despite their troops not approaching Osaka at all, they’ve been claiming the city’s tiles left right and centre. Still, losing tiles is far better than losing cities, and it appears one of Mandukhai’s biggest threats is leaving her alone for the moment.

That does not mean Lawtiliwadlin is resting on his laurels. He just grabbed ELEVEN cities, most of which were scattered all across the cylinder. We’re focussed on Urgench, one of five cities the Chukchi took in Central Asia this turn, from Uzbekistan, Northern Yuan and Punjab. That could well indicate something a lot scarier than a simple visitation - this looks to be a pretty coordinated invasion. Elsewhere, they took a couple of cities in the western US - but inland cities this time, which should prove scary to those that assumed their outreach there was purely naval. They also grab a couple islands near Japan from Malacca, the Nigerian exclave in China and Yokohama from Northern Yuan. Amongst the chaos, Hong Xiuquan has taken a couple of his homeland cities back - I wouldn’t expect that to hold.

The Scandinavian peninsula seems peaceful, with Germany and Uzbekistan seemingly holding something of a ceasefire here (there isn’t even much sign of heavy bombing). But we can see the notification telling us that this peace has been ruptured just a little to the east: Finland, the immovable object, has finally lost their capital. It’s Islam Karimov who captures the city, which isn’t too surprising given the amount of citadels he’d plopped nearby. Uzbekistan also takes back the two cities they’d just lost to the Chukchi. Thus far the Central Asian underdogs have been clinging on just fine.

The Neutral Nation’s capital Kandoucho is handed over to the Dene, though the Vandals will likely reclaim the city soon. This looks to have been a bit of a hopeful punt by the Dene, as the brunt of their force is focussed on invading Rio Grande instead. Fortunately, Atahachi doesn’t have the insane defence buffs of Rio Grande’s core and is definitely an assailable target, though we know it will be difficult for Thanadelthur to push much further. They also recapture Niagara from Genseric just offscreen.

Finland’s new capital of Turku is already incredibly vulnerable, sitting on zero health. It’s unlikely to be the Soviets who invade, though - they’ve still not managed to take a single city from Mannerheim, not even the recently-lost Krasnodar. They have taken the Finnish-founded Porvoo, but as a reminder, that was actually a very short-lived Vandal colony before that. They do have some good fortune elsewhere, taking some more cities in the Caucasus and two of the Kulin occupations, including Permian capital Pokcha. Once again, I’m forced to ask - with what army? They appear to be pulling soldiers out of hats.

Lesotho’s newest colony looks pretty safe for now. Oh yeah, the Vandals want it back alright - but they’re not getting anywhere close until those Uzbek vertals move out of the way. Elsewhere, Lenin actually did take Krasnodar back, and even nabbed Helsinki from the Uzbeks. The Vandals meanwhile reversed most of the gains made against them by Nigeria and the Dene, as well as making headway into German-held Italy, nabbing Salerno and Teramo. Their biggest gain has to be their old city of Aleria though, founded on St Lucia and long held by the Marajoara. What makes it so special? It’s home to Skynet, the wonder that gives a healthy 10% boost to the strength of all units!

The small island of Capua is now the capital of Two Sicilies, which tells us something very important - the Two Sicilies are now one, with their only other city of Aquila having been nuked straight off the map (notice Bouto, formerly on Crete, has met the same fate). Capua might not go the same way, but it surely isn’t staying Sicilian much longer. Nigeria is already knocking. Or maybe that Lao elephant can take it. We believe in you Fa Ngum.

The Vandals aren’t messing around. While these cities are sure to flip a few times, they’ve brought a decent amount of support, not least two huge nexuses currently besieging Alesia. The Kulin are still operating as extranational agitators in the region, but their influence is definitely dwindling. Germany meanwhile look a bit on the back foot here, but they have managed to take Toledo from the Vandals, on the east coast of Spain, as well as having just seized Acre in the Levant.

Further north, the peace in Scandinavia is well and truly broken. Tampere, a Finnish holdout on the Norwegian coast, is handed over without much fanfare, while the Germans have also stormed the Uzbek cities of Narva and Uppsala. They also retake Teramo from the Vandals and finally unite the Scots, taking Avaricon from Gaul. Still their two main continental borders, with Gaul and the USSR, remain as antebellum.

Malacca starts a rather daring assault on the comfortably held Japanese archipelago, taking Songjiang on Kyushu, though likely only temporarily (likewise Pukou on Shikoku, just off-screen). A lot of Malacca’s gains have been somewhat invisible, focussing mostly on uniting the north Pacific and Indonesian islands under their banner without making many encroachments on land. In fact, compare the minimap here to the minimap on the slide before. Can you believe Mansur Shah has taken fourteen cities in between? Highlights include sniping former Peru-Bolivian capital Tacna from the Kulin, gradually sapping away the Chola-held VOC core, and taking a little handful of cities from the Taiping core. Mansur’s gains are subtle, but every new city only adds to their mighty production base.

Nigeria might be winning a lot of land wars, but their navy has never been their strong point. Case in point: Genseric has taken Jos, on the island of Ascension, right under the nose of the Nigerian core. They haven’t brought enough ships to turn this into a sneaky backdoor attack on Lagos, unfortunately. At the same time, it’s maybe an indication we shouldn’t expect Nigeria to wipe the Vandals from their continent any time soon.

Taiping clings on… for now. Their only real hope of surviving into Cycle 2 is hoping they can cling on til the Cylinder starts signing peace treaties… and not get redeclared upon. It’s a tricky proposition, especially given the chaos of this region. Their cities of Ganzhou and Xian fall to Mandukhai, who also grabs a couple of other cities they’d recently lost to the Chukchi and Malacca. The Kulin meanwhile make gains against the Marajoara (and take Tacna back from Malacca), but stop short of Asunción. They also continue to clean up Malaccan Polynesia. Meanwhile, salt is back on the table! I can sure think of a few leaders who’ll be needing that salt.

I’ve not been commenting on it much, but this area of the Cylinder has probably been the most volatile this whole conflict. Duba in particular has changed hands near-endlessly; it’s Punjab’s now, but I wouldn’t be shocked to see the Chola take it back any moment. The Chola look to have consolidated a nice corner of Arabia, while Tayma looks anything but safe. Meanwhile, quite a lot’s happened offscreen - Rosillo’s taken the old Neutral capital Kandoucho, the Marajoara entirely reverse the Kulin’s gains and then some (and reclaim Skynet), Zaire has a serious stab at Nigeria, even taking one of their Antarctic colonies, and Punjab extend further into Central Asia, wiping out the last of the Chukchi colony.

Mansur Shah holds onto his new Japanese colonies - but don’t be too shocked, the Chukchi haven’t actually moved since we last saw them. Still, I spy a tiny smidgen more Malaccan units than Chukchi in this shot, and what they’ve brought is perfect for a naval stakeout like the Japanese islands demand. Nigeria meanwhile reverses all of Mobutu’s gains, making rather significant headway into Arabia while they’re at it. PARG also takes a couple cities from Uzbekistan - and all of a sudden they’re looking very small indeed.

The Chukchi’s land-grabbing extends to the Dene core, but unlike with Northern Yuan, Lawtiliwadlin looks to push the advantage here, sending troops to attack Deline, which is really the last line of defence for the capital Somba K’e. The forces seem fairly evenly matched for the time being, but the Chukchi definitely would have more resources for a protracted war.

The battle in Baja California has been more one-sided, with the Chukchi sweeping through the region with barely a single protest. Rosillo seems to think he’s the last line of defence, cobbling together a little army to attack Yaanga and Kuukaamonga, but it may well be too late. The Chukchi do retake Shikoku, but not Kyushu, as well as claiming a couple cities on the NYuan border and a final gambit for central Asia, the Uzbek city of Urgench.

It looks like the tense border between Europe’s two titans has finally seen its first real progress - and it’s advantage Gaul, who conquers Stuttgart. If you’ve got a very good memory you’ll remember there used to be a short-lived Gaulish city, Cenabum, right on this spot, before it was razed by Germany. So this is something of a reconquista. Their next target seems to be Metz; conquering the city is possible, keeping it’s another matter, with a large German flotilla sitting just north off the coast of Denmark. Gaul also takes the city of Barcelona, the German colony in Aquitaine, and brings a premature end to Scottish unification by recapturing Avaricon.

Finland has waited all game for a scrap. And now it’s come, they aren’t going down easily. Recapturing both their capital, Helsinki, and the Soviet city of Krasnodar, they also look to be successfully chasing the Uzbeks out of their territory. If they came out of Total War with more cities than they started it would be a miracle of the highest order. Turku does still look very vulnerable, though there don’t look to be any enemy units within spitting distance of it.

Nigeria hasn’t brought many units to their Mediterranean endeavours, but they needn’t really - Kosovo have nothing to fight back with. Mitrovice looks safe for now, and as for Capua… oh, Capua!

Capua has fallen to Nigerian forces, which of course eliminates Two Sicilies in 22nd place. This is maybe the first eulogy of this episode for a civ that wasn’t a total washout; Two Sicilies were regularly seen as a promising possible breakout, holding their own against their powerful neighbours despite constant invasions. But in a way, that made them even more disappointing - they never made good on that huge potential. Despite having among the largest and most advanced navies in the region - not half helped by their powerful UA - they adamantly refused to use it, despite it being possibly mighty enough to wipe out even the Vandals’ core, never mind the Ptolemies or Spain. Instead, they forever hovered in the middle of the Power Rankings, too powerful to be killed but too stubborn to do anything. Eventually weathered down by long held rivals Germany, Ferdinand has finally been hunted down by Nigeria. At least he outlived his dad.

Already the legacy of Two Sicilies is being erased, with Avellino and Campobasso being the newest cities to be erased from the map, while San Severo is conquered by Genseric. Plenty of stuff happened while we were eulogising, anyway: Taiping stubbornly refuses to go the way of Two Sicilies, taking two cities back along with Kansk for the hell of it. Uzbekistan takes back a little more of their core, and somehow recaptures Helsinki too. Maybe I was a little bullish on Mannerheim there, as Lenin also takes Krasnodar back. The Vandals meanwhile reverse some gains, taking back cities in Africa, Spain and Canada.

The Chola Era of Zanzibar appears to be coming to an end, as Lesotho kicks them out of the archipelago. That said, what scant naval presence there is here is still mostly Chola, so this might not be the end of the story yet. Lesotho also captures Windhoek from Zaire, giving them three original capitals for the first time in their history.

Nigeria has a comfortable grasp on both sides of the Red Sea, including the Hejazi former capital of Mecca. This bit of Arabia feels pretty quiet, but Punjab is starting to encroach, with those forces near Khamis Mushayt seemingly free to march on Paraitonion just at the top of the screen. Zaire still holds on to Ascalon, but it’s clear their time in this territory is nearing its end.

While the Kulin and Malacca have been trading colonies here and there, the border between their cores has been seemingly quiet. That ends here, as William Barak makes the first move, occupying Rokan and Kedah and landing forces on Sulawesi. There’s still ample opportunity for Malacca to strike back, but they’re certainly the ones on the back foot. Mansur Shah has still been finding success on other fronts though, taking the Andaman Islands from the Chola, consolidating more of China and actually striking against the Kulin too, uniting New Guinea. Elsewhere Germany makes their first move against the USSR, taking Memel, an old Teutonic Order city. They also take back Pristina and Avaricon.

Taiping clings onto their capital Tianjing, but it feels increasingly likely we’re about to see the last of them, as both Mandukhai and Mansur attack in a pincer formation. Their brief colony of Kansk has been completely removed from the map, too. Offscreen the Kulin have a great turn, taking cities back from the Marajoara (that war just seems to be a total see-saw) and nabbing another city from the Soviet Union - amazingly, that colony’s not been dismantled yet. Most of their work is done in the Pacific; it’s hard to see on the minimap, but that’s mostly all flying Kulin banners now.

Acre, founded in 3680 BC, is no more. I dare say Nigeria is close to consolidating this region, making continuous advances and losing very little of what was conquered in the process. In Jerusalem, it’s good to see that despite everything, preaching continues, the Nigerian faith being spread far and wide to the newest reaches of the empire.

If Nigeria has one rival in the area, it’s Punjab, who equally have managed to consolidate their Gulf holdings into something more permanent. Is that seriously an artillery, though? C’mon Ranjit, it’s 2380 AD! In the top left… huh, there’s a name I haven’t seen in a while. Who’d have thought he’d still have some units kicking about after… all this. Actually, that’s very odd. Huh.

Ah, so there’s the Soviet army. In Ukraine. The once-Kosovar city of Peje is being besieged by its former occupants, but they’ll be lucky to take it back with aircraft carriers. Kosovo in general looks very fragile, but it won’t be too long now before they can try to wrangle some peace deals, so they might be able to cling on if they’re very diplomatic.

The former Tongva territories form the current front lines of Rosillo’s invasion of the Dene Empire. Tibahagna has already fallen, and Kuruvunga should be next. This area looks totally lost to the Dene - I thought they had some units hiding at the top of the map, but they’re Malaccan! Also, someone’s taken an ideology. Huh, I thought everyone already had one. Guess someone was slow to the party.

The absolute behemoth that is Rio Grande’s Bio-Titan attacks Vandalic Kandoucho. Rosillo definitely looks comfier up here than he did earlier, with Michigan having been reinforced and the Dene looking to have somewhat retreated. Kandoucho falls to Rosillo shortly afterward, along with another Vandal city, Terwe Dorp. I’m gonna guess that settler wandering near Niagara won’t last long, though.

...My god. They’re back.

In her infinite wisdom, Thanadelthur has decided she can’t fight off the Chukchi and Rio Grande alone. Instead, she recalls Comcomly from the sub who, with great fanfare, is installed once again as the leader of the Great Chinook Empire. Well, it’s only Clatsop for now. But who knows what great things they could achieve with their, er, 36 defence city and zero units. They do have one thing going in their favour however. You know how I said total war was only declared once, with no redeclarations? Well, the Chinook are currently the only civ on the cylinder in total peace. So don’t count them out. They rocket up from 41st place. So, er, move everyone else who’s died this episode down a rank. As for their ideology? Well, having been freed from death, you better believe it’s freedom, baby!

Rosillo also pushes into the Cayman Islands, taking Portmore from the Marajoara, though it seems P'küee has realised she can’t make gains against Rio Grande and has somewhat neglected this front for the Kulin War. Once again the Marajoara reverse Kulin gains, retaking Ybycuí.

One city they can’t seem to storm, no matter how much they try, is the former Palmares capital of Macaco, which has remained firmly in the Vandals’ hands since the start of the war. They seem to recognise the importance of an original capital, and have thrown a lot of powerful units into protecting it. But the city has been bombed to zero health and P'küee’s hovertanks are approaching from the south, so perhaps the battle’s not over yet.

P'küee has had more success on the other coastline, taking Maracaibo and now Lima from the Kulin. While both may flip, it is the Marajoara on the offence, and already reinforcements are arriving from near Caracas. A fairly even war resulting in fairly even results? Who would have thought?

I just got flashbacks, horrible flashbacks, to a battle fought long ago at Gibeon. The city of a thousand flips is once again in Nigerian hands, though Zaire now has much bigger problems than the old Namibian port. Currently they’re attempting a daring recapture of Windhoek, though it’s hard to see it sticking - if Lesotho doesn’t recapture it, those Punjabi XComs should do the trick.

On the other side of the continent, Mobutu turns his attentions to Malindi and the former Zanzibari core. But it doesn’t feel like enough, and even here the spectres of Nigerian XComs lurk in the shadows, ready to undo any gains he might make. It seems strange to say, but the Nigerian colony of Mogadishu might be coming in good use here - they’ve not lost it all war, and it certainly feels like it’s been a good jumping off point for their agitations in East Africa and Arabia. In any case, Zaire does retake Windhoek and (sigh) Gibeon off-screen.

The Chola core - damaged, devastated even, but intact. The damaged tile improvements suggest nuclear strikes, but Punjab hasn’t followed that up with an invasion. In fact… there isn’t a single Punjabi unit in this screen. Could Raja Raja’s main threat now be Malacca? With them having just taken the Andaman Islands (just off screen to the east), they certainly have a pronounced naval presence in the area. The Chola navy meanwhile is spread pretty thin across their various endeavours in the Indian Ocean. Hopefully they can claw a peace treaty together before that happens.

All of a sudden, things fall apart. Nigeria makes sudden and deadly advances into the heart of Zaire, taking Rehoboth, Hlotse and just off-screen, the capital of Kinshasa. I’d say Zaire can retake these cities, but likely only to lose them again. I have a feeling the meagre army we can see in this screen is all Mobutu has left. It was clear Zaire was losing in Arabia, but this core collapse is pretty sudden. Still, there’s time yet… offscreen, Punjab yeet the Chola out of Arabia and conquer Uzbekistan’s holdings in Iran.

We’ve said Awolowo was rapidly becoming the undisputed champion of Total War, and now he’s taken a big scalp: Hippo Regius, the Vandalic capital. This could be significant for several reasons - not only does it prove a significant blow to the Vandals, but it also throws their capital into a random new location. And as a reminder, come Cycle 2, civs will start from their capital as of the final turn of this episode… so Nigeria might well have permanently relocated the Vandals to North America, Brazil or even Greenland! But before you get too excited… Hippo Regius will almost certainly flip back this turn, returning capital status to the city. Still, Nigeria’s dominance is clear at this point. They’ve taken another three cities from Zaire’s core, and the Zanzibar archipelago from Lesotho, as well as a handful of other Vandal cities. Titanic.

In another example of civs recognising the value of original capitals, the Chola have fiercely held onto Batavia, the VOC capital, even as the rest of their Indonesian colonies fall - though we do now see them retake Fort Galle on Christmas Island too. The Chola are rogue agents in the fierce war between the Kulin and Malacca, which shows absolutely no sign of cooling, as the Kulin seize Alor Gajah. Elsewhere Kolchak continues to shrink Uzbekistan, and the Chola liberate the Andaman Islands from Malacca, as well as Thirunelveli in the heart of India from Punjab.

The Chola have long held outposts in the Antarctic just south of Australia; unsurprisingly the Kulin have arrived to punish this injustice. Though the Chola are no strangers to polar warfare - they’ve actually just taken Ilorin, a Nigerian research settlement west of here. In the top left, gee, there’s a name I’ve not seen in a while… I’m kidding, Yuan hasn’t been revived. They must have a stray unit hanging around somewhere, though I’ve no idea where or how.

The Chukchi retake Nagoya, which must have fallen back to Mandukhai at some point. Right at the top of the map, an army tries to get into position to attack Khovd, though with it being at such low health I doubt they’ll need all those forces to pull it off. Northern Yuan’s core looks completely spent. The Chukchi also reunite the Japanese home islands, and take a handful of odd cities in Asia - not least Hangzhou, which has been a Malaccan core city for generations. It does appear the city of Palux, in Washington state, has been nuked into nothing. Can’t win ‘em all.

Gaul and the Vandals could enter a fairly protracted flipfest here, a classic land unit/naval unit trade-off. But as of his turn, Vercingetorix liberates Alesia and also nabs Toledo from Genseric. The Vandals need all the cities they can get right now, but it’s likely both of these will flip again before the turn is over. Gaul also captures Sevilla, on the other side of Spain, as well as Metz - that tiny island near Denmark they were gunning for earlier.

You cannot keep Mannerheim down. Not only does he retake his capital from Karimov, but his BioTroopers are sure to seize the Uzbek colony of Riga too. It becomes increasingly clear why Finland never engaged in any wars pre-Total War: they were saving all their energy for the Big One. I can’t say it’s a strategy that’s paid off in the long run, but it’s absolutely admirable.

The Dene surround Andachkhrob and… that’s not the real story, is it? Look to the sidebar. Oh my god. It can’t be.

My friends, the Neutrals are alive again (they’re on a 1 turn streak!). This has been your daily Neutral update.

Well… while we reel from that revelation, the Chukchi-Dene front is really starting to heat up. It’s hard to see who’s really on top as Thanadelthur has brought a number of Nexuses to the front, as well as cannily sneaking a few units behind Kanyak. But the Chukchi still seem to be in a fairly good position to take Deline, and certainly stand a chance of capturing Behchoko.

Meanwhile, the Dene attack on Atahachi has cooled off as… Christ, Thanadelthur, are you TRYING to make the next cycle harder for you on purpose?! Fresh on the heels of liberating the Chinook and the Neutral Nation, it’s the Mississippi’s turn to be brought kicking and screaming back to life, in the meagre village of Fox Farm. At least the Neutrals got their original capital! Hey Thana, didn’t you just spend about two thousand years trying to kill these guys?

For those keeping score, the Mississippi moves up from 31st and the Neutrals up from 44th. Everyone else who’s dead, down two ranks. This is absolute mayhem. Either that, or a genius strategy from Thanadelthur to give her easy pickings early on in the next Cycle. Invite Three Affiliated Tribes along while you’re at it. Never thought they got a fair shake.

Speaking of long-forgotten civs, the former Teutonic capital of Marienburg is under siege, and a single Nexus could absolutely be enough for Lenin to claim his fourth capital. Ferizaj a little south has already fallen, while Lenin has also nabbed a city from Uzbekistan (it’s fashionable these days) and even managed to take the Persian cities that Punjab took just a moment ago. Lenin seems to be claiming great swathes of land with relatively few units, which is somewhat counter to his tactics in real history.

Marienburg does indeed fall, and Memel will be next, a Bio-Titan attacking the healthless city as we speak. This front has taken a long time to break, but it’s Lenin who has firmly seized the day.

...Ah come on Lenin, that wasn’t part of the deal. Attacking Germany is all fun and games, but Finland? You’ve rather put a damper on the whole Finn It to Win It thing I had going on here. Indeed both Helsinki and Turku fall to the Soviets, and unfortunately it looks like Mannerheim was focussing his whole army on that daring invasion of Sweden, so this was perhaps a smidge inevitable.

The Kulin are really putting a lot of stock in their little Arctic Plan, sending a huge squadron of soldiers to protect their interests. Unfortunately the majority are hybrid drones - ranged units - so their conquests are becoming a little less frequent. Instead, the Soviets start to reverse the damage, taking back Sosnogorsk. I believe Pechora is the only city Barak has left up here.

The Vandals are definitely running out of steam, able to assault Sevilla but unable to take the city back. Still, as we’ve seen, Gaul are no slouches. With both Lenin and Vercingetorix claiming cities in mainland Europe, it’s safe to say Germany’s the continent’s biggest loser thus far. I mean, except Kosovo. Kosovo doesn’t count.

Thankfully the Vandals have a little more luck in Africa, retaking their coastal cities like Lilybaeum and, yes, Hippo Regius - so no Greenlandic start for now. Nigeria isn’t exactly overrunning the land with its mighty army (is that another artillery?), so it’s not curtains for Genseric yet.

And he’s certainly still King of the Med, retaking Salerno and Alesia, though stopping short of Toledo and Teramo. Indeed the latter looks to fall to the Kulin of all people, the last remnants of their European detachment coalescing around the battered city.

Mobutu has not yet managed to take his capital back (well, he hasn’t moved yet). Instead, he’s squatting in Bukavu on the banks of Lake Malawi. This city, like many others, sits on zero health, and is liable to fall to so much as a breath from either Nigeria or Lesotho (or even the Chukchi, who lurk nearby).

At the very least, they stand a chance of mounting an attack on Hlotse, which if you remember right back to the start of this episode was the Lesothoan city completely enveloped by Zaire. Now it’s held by Awolowo - of course, because what in Africa isn’t, or won’t soon be? Anyway don’t get too attached to Hlotse. It’s on 1 population, and I see something coming in the top right of the screen...

Nigeria’s territory now comes all the way down to the Congo River, and other than possibly a quick flip of Mbuji-Mayi, it seems like land permanently lost to Zaire. We can also see Zaire’s capital is now Likasi, as Lesotho’s campaign continued successfully, taking the interim capital of Bukavu as well as the former Namibian settlements of Windhoek and Kactchanas. They also reunited Madagascar (the Chola briefly took the southern tip), and another two original capitals - Zanzibar and Mogadishu, both from Nigeria! That’s +3 capitals in one turn. Hlotse is no more. I’m sorry.

Wilhelm retakes Metz, but Stuttgart seems firmly Gaulish now. It’s hard to get a proper grasp on the state of the war from here, though I do spy a Gaulish nanohive hanging out in Pomerania. Germany has an otherwise successful turn though, retaking recently lost Salerno, Ferizaj and Marienburg, as well Kosovo’s Prizreni and, most notably, Stockholm from the Uzbeks.

The Kulin-Malacca front is still a mess. Rokan will surely fall back to Malacca, but Singapura and Siantan are both sure to be on the chopping block when Barak’s turn rolls around. The Kulin also land even more units on Sulawesi - Mansur can’t seem to beat Barak with ships here, so keeping control of the land should be his priority.

It is, however, necessary to remind you that losing a couple of cities in Indonesia is hardly panic stations for Malacca fans. This turn alone Mansur Shah takes fifteen cities: he sweeps through China, almost entirely eliminating Taiping in one fell sweep (the minimap shows Hong is holding out in just one measly little city). He also kicks the Chola out of Indonesia once and for all, taking the original capital of Batavia in the process. We’re still not done… he takes Hangzhou back from the Chukchi and responds with a punitive attack on southern Japan and Hawaii, taking Big Island. And even on the Kulin front, he seizes the islands of New Britain and New Ireland. That’s not even everything, but it gives you some idea as to how expansive Malacca has been - arguably as successful as Nigeria, just with slightly less visible results.

Their main losses have been in Polynesia though, and it doesn’t look like that’s about to stop, as Barak besieges Pagoh (which he will take this turn) and Singora (which he won’t quite). He’s also advanced further on the Marajoara in the minimap, including - finally - the Paraguayan capital of Asunción. He also reverses Mansur’s gains in New Guinea, and takes Siantan on Sulawesi - though fails to keep hold of Rokan, which does fall back to Malacca.

And it must have been Barak responsible for obliterating the city of Songjiang on Kyushu too. That poor boat hasn’t even noticed yet, bless her, still keeping port in the ruins of the city. The Kulin push further still into South America, and do indeed take Teramo from Germany as a little last gasp colony.

The final outpost of Taiping, Jiujiang, can only sit and hold its breath. On zero health, and under attack from both Northern Yuan and Malacca, it’s just a flip of the coin as to who eliminates them (well, it would be if helicopters could take cities). Taiping have had a far longer run in the game than they reasonably had a right to, but it’s a dead cert they’ll be eliminated next turn.

...Except, that’s not the case at all. Congratulations to all those who have survived thus far… we have reached the end of total war, and nations once again begin signing peace treaties. In fact, from a state of complete war, we’re now returned to a state of near-total peace… with a notable exception, as we’ll see soon. You see this isn’t the end of the episode; there’s still a little more blood to be shed. But death is no longer a certainty for the world’s most beleaguered nations: Taiping, Finland, Kosovo… oh yeah, and the three North American minnows who sprung back out of nowhere! Indeed the Neutrals also take an ideology this turn, also choosing the righteous path of Freedom. Hopefully that won’t come back to haunt them. Anyway, remember the city of Capiatá on the Falklands? Ain’t there no more.

Mansur Shah’s made peace with the Kulin, but he’s kept one enemy on the table: Northern Yuan. The War of Taiping Succession isn’t over. The former Chinese empire has already fallen mostly to Malacca, and Mansur Shah is ready to capitalise on that advantage.

Of course, Hong Xiuquan gets front row seats to the war over his old stomping ground, as he’s not quite dead yet. Even if he does make it to Cycle 2, it seems unlikely he’ll be able to turn his terrible starting bonuses into a competitive performance. It might make more sense for Malacca to keep him around, so they can chomp down on some free cities early in the next Cycle.

Uzbekistan has been reduced to a slim 11 cities, and three of those are in Sweden. This scene definitely suggests that number could have dwindled further, their core peppered with only a few pretty outdated units. Caught between three mightier powers and a surprise Chukchi invasion, this outcome is probably the best they could’ve hoped for.

It also looks like we were only a turn away from Gaul landing in North America, but the two nations are at peace now. Gaul had a thoroughly decent total war, making slight advances on the Vandals and Germany without losing anything substantial in return. Rio Grande stalemated with both the Dene and the Marajoara for the most part, but did manage to take a few cities from the Vandal tourists.

Malacca and the Chukchi had been trading tiny islands throughout the whole war, but Mansur Shah definitely finished the better off, even claiming the bigger prize of Hawai’i, as well as Shikoku. But the Chukchi made ground on other fronts, monopolising California and squeezing a couple cities from Northern Yuan. They never quite dented the Dene homeland, who came out of Total War a lot better than I thought they might.

The biggest loser of Total War was certainly Zaire, who went from being a promising outsider in Africa to being completely subsumed by Nigeria and Lesotho, losing their original capital in the process (we’ll see their new one soon enough). Such was the ferocity of Nigeria that I’ve no doubt they’d have been eliminated had Total War continued a few more turns. On the other hand, the war could not have gone more swimmingly for Lesotho, who walks out with a big chunk of new territory and their only close neighbour completely neutered. All of a sudden, Moshoeshoe turns from a map-filler into a dark horse worth keeping half an eye on.

The Kulin-Marajoara War ends advantage Kulin, though it’s not a completely fair assessment - Kulin moves after Marajoara, and these two were flipping swathes of cities every turn, so had peace been declared at a different time it could definitely have ended differently. It certainly doesn’t matter for P’küee - she’s almost ensured that come Cycle 2 she will have a whole continent for herself. Combine that with her superlative stats, and she’s virtually a dead cert for superpower.

A few turns on, the world starts to heal, with a couple new cities popping up in the minimap. Not so in China, where Wuchang is wiped from the map, and naval warfare continues in the Yellow Sea. Still, so far Northern Yuan haven’t ceded any territory to Malacca. Of all the nations to stay at war with, Malacca was probably the most dangerous choice, so Mandukhai is doing a decent job thus far.

I swear, if we let this game run on indefinitely, at some point every tile on the map would be Chukchi. The Gauls declare war on the Neutral Nation - how dare they? They also take the Mississippi along for the ride. Well, it’s definitely Tuskaloosa’s best shot at a second city.

Mansur finally breaks through, capturing Ningbo with Ganzhou surely next. Mandukhai has backup, but those Nexuses could be just a smidgen too powerful to handle, especially if Northern Yuan’s other city defences are similar to Ganzhou’s.

Thanadelthur is a gracious leader. She gives life to those long thought dead. Under one strict instruction: you respect her other children. Tuskaloosa declared war on the Neutrals. Tuskaloosa violated the golden rule. Thanadelthur gives life, and takes it away.

The Mississippi are re-eliminated in 24th place. Nice knowing you Tuskaloosa.

Mansur Shah claims Yuan’s original capital, Khanbaliq, and once again it’s those Nexuses - they’re bloody good units, you know, and they’re single-handedly tearing through Northern Yuan like it’s nothing. Chengdu might go next, but this is maybe the only sea in Asia where Malacca doesn’t have the naval advantage, and I can see the city flipping a few times.

A turn later and Mandukhai’s successfully reversing the recent offensive, taking back Khanbaliq and pressing hard on Ganzhou. With just one target to defend against, Northern Yuan’s relatively feeble production isn’t being stretched too thin. There have been at least two nuke blasts recently, one likely on the old Manchu capital of Mukden just off-screen.

Ah. The Chukchi declare war on the Chinook. This shouldn’t take long.

Yep, moments later Clatsop falls to Comcomly’s old rivals the Chukchi. Lawtiliwadlin worked very hard to neuter the Chinook the first time round - they certainly didn’t want the risk of having to do it a second time. The Chinook are re-eliminated in 23rd place.

It’s time for most of the Cylinder to rebuild, and the Chukchi work hard to redevelop Korea, founding the new city of I’nnurmin where the Manchu city of Aigun once stood. Look at all those fancy Future Worlds improvements - the one just east of I’nnurmin is a Support Node, which is basically a souped up fort. I guess Lawtiliwadlin isn’t so sure we’ll be at peace for long.

Speaking of which… Suzhou is hit by an explosive bombing raid, but in general Mansur seems to be on the front foot, having clung on to Ganzhou just north of the scene and with a sizeable detachment ready to meet the front lines just south of Suzhou. This land is absolutely devastated, plumes of smoke rising from every tile.

It’s a real back and forth, as Mandukhai actually manages to get as far south as Suzhou. But Mansur’s little army near Ningbo is made up of units that Northern Yuan could only dream of, and they should be able to restart the offensive. Taiping, amazingly, stays alive.

The Northern Yuan core is absolutely gutted by nuclear hellstorms; to make matters worse, the majority of Mandukhai’s army is heavily damaged. And still very outdated of course - a lot of those units should be familiar to any Civ V player, not just a Future Worlds user. If they can keep sneaking units past the front lines and keeping Malacca caught up on recapturing cities, they might still be able to stall out the war. But it’ll be tough.

In the last listicle of Cycle 1, we get the “useful” statistic of who’s come out of Total War the richest. It’s two familiar names at the top, Ranjit and Mansur, and few other surprises in the top 8 - though Vercingetorix and Moshoeshoe making the list ahead of William Barak, Lawtiliwadlin or P’küee is pretty impressive.

Northern Yuan continue to hold on to their front line cities, but let’s just take three scenes to see how absolutely devastated this land has become.

Smoke. Fallout. Death. My main question is how on Earth has Chengdu clung on to 20 population?

The smoke plumes aren’t limited to just Northern Yuan - Lawtiliwadlin is yet to repair any of those citadels. The Chukchi UA is to its old tricks, enveloping Mandukhai’s city of Mukden into Chukchi territory.

Next on the chopping block is Kosovo, as Wilhelm looks to make up for a disappointing Total War with a cheeky last-minute elimination. Kosovo has just three cities left, but both Gjilani and Aleppo actually seem pretty insulated from Germany, with German troops blocked by Nigerian peacekeepers (it never takes long for them to reappear, does it?). Kosovo’s army, as tiny as it is, is also pretty advanced - so even if the Nigerians move, attacking through a 1 tile gap is a pretty unappetising proposition.

The third city, Vushttri, is completely doomed. Already down to red health and surrounded by a huge German army, it’s got a turn max to take down the Kosovar flags.

Mansur Shah finds new success in the War of Taiping Succession, sending an elite squad of XComs to storm Chengdu. The Northern Yuan navy looks to have been cleared out of the Yellow Sea, so it’s up to the scant land forces of Mandukhai to take the city back. I’m not sure they’re up to the task.

Mansur also takes Xian for the first time, though this position seems less tenable. Still, if nothing else, it’s a distraction from the real prize of Khanbaliq.

Which, just next turn, is sporting Malaccan flags again. Mansur takes Liaoyang along with it, and suddenly Mandukhai’s situation looks dire, with little hope of retaking many of these cities. Will she pull together one last army to protect her now-open core, or will Mansur keep this momentum and roll straight into Karakorum?Well, neither. Because this is where our time in Cycle 1 comes to an end. Did the game crash immediately after this turn? Did Blue Cassette mutually decide that the game had followed a decent course and it was time to move on? Or did Reon just accidentally knock his computer over one day and that was that?

I don’t know the answer to that question. But I do know that 22 contenders have made it into Cycle 2. Let’s have a look at 18 of them (where are the other 4? Another mysterious question…) I haven’t got the stat blocks for the end of Cycle 1 (though you should do), so I can’t tell you exactly what bonuses each civ will be receiving going into the next phase. I’m sure Coiot will let you know soon enough!

Gaul had an unenviable start, beginning on a small corner of Europe with a rival in seemingly every direction. They benefited early on from one of those rivals, Wales, proving to be an easy pushover, while also winning early wars against Germany and managing to remove Spain from most of their core territory. From there though they remained pretty stifled, unable to seize an advantage against their main land neighbours, the powerful Germany, and unwilling to build a navy capable of rivalling local sealords the Vandals. They started to slip back in the stats, but luckily caught up just in time for Total War, where they finally made some gains against Germany. They go into Cycle 2 in only a slightly less tight position than they started, though - sure, no Spain or Wales to contend with, but still closely monitored by the Vandals and Germany, the two nations that boxed them in all game. They’ll have to strike quickly against one of them in Cycle 2 if they want to be this game’s Moors. They finish Phase 1 with 2 original capitals, with Welsh Caerdydd their only prize.

Germany traditionally ranked higher than Gaul in the Power Rankings, though in truth despite superior stats they largely found themselves in a similar position - enjoying early success in wars against minnows like the Teutons and Sweden, before failing to strike out against more challenging neighbours like Gaul or the Soviets. Instead they wiled away their days with constant conflicts with Two Sicilies, a war that took them all game to finally win. This episode was a little bruising for them, taking the Kosovar capital but little else of note, while losing a couple of border cities to Gaul. Still, their aggressive AI and useful UA should prove equally tenacious next Cycle, and my advice remains similar to Gaul - strike early. Despite feeling a little underwhelming, they finish with a very healthy 6 capitals - Berlin, Marienburg, Reykjavik and Naples conquered before today, and Pristina and Stockholm taken in the heat of Total War.

We don’t get a shot of Finland, but despite their optimistic stab at a military campaign this episode, they end Cycle 1 with just the three cities: Kotka, Viipuri and Riga, so no original capitals. We don’t even know which one the new capital is! As I mentioned earlier, Finland easily wins the award for least eventful civ, neither taking nor ceding a city for the entire game until Total War made it inevitable. They start the game on an empty peninsula, but a powerful neighbour in Lenin combined with rubbish starting bonuses should ensure they’re not much more than early fodder come Cycle 2.

Speaking of the Soviets, what an odd little game they had. A few early successes against the Teutons and Perm aside, they spent the majority of the Cycle also refraining from any serious wars, leaving Perm to exist for most of the game as a helpful buffer state between them and their much-touted rivals the White Russians. Unlike Finland, they settled well enough that such stagnation didn’t do them much harm, and by Total War they had the firepower to make serious gains against the Uzbeks - even if temporarily losing their Permian holdings to the Kulin was a little embarrassing (William Barak did manage to finish the game with Pechora still in his hands). With nothing separating them and PARG next time, I expect we’ll finally see the bitter war between the two Russias that we’ve long been anticipating next cycle - but Germany remains the Soviets’ most immediate rival. The USSR finishes with four original capitals, adding Helsinki to their pre-total war collection of Moscow, Cherdyn and Tbilisi.

Who saw this coming (except several power rankers)? Uzbekistan did not fare well at all this episode, haemorrhaging cities to obvious rivals like Punjab and PARG, but also more distant rivals like the Chukchi and - briefly - Taiping. It caps off what’s been a decent if spotty performance in this game, building a strong solid core with some decent stats… up until the last few episodes, where their science completely trailed off. It’s pretty telling they never really won any of their wars, stalemating PARG and underperforming against Bhutan and Kurdistan - at least not until a bonkers invasion of Sweden. In Cycle 2 their starting bonuses are sure to have taken a massive hit; placed right between Punjab and PARG, it’s going to be very difficult for Karimov to turn his nation into anything other than a stepping stone for a greater power. He does at least finish with his original capital, though no others.

Kosovo makes it into Cycle 2 on a pure technicality. Contrary to my assumption, Germany easily waltzed into Kosovo’s core (I guess I did sorta forget most units can just teleport by this stage of the game). I’d give Rugova four turns max if the game were to continue. But, such is the nature of the rolls of the dice that make up any AI game, Kosovo will be returning for Cycle 2 from their (non-original) capital of Gjilani. They were up against it from the off really, bothered early on by power players Germany and Two Sicilies, and unable to expand much into the rough terrains of Anatolia. But despite briefly losing their capital, they managed to mostly hold onto the integrity of their territory, fighting off the Soviets in one memorable border clash. Still, they were always minnows of the continent, and as such will start with terrible bonuses going into Cycle 2. On the other hand, they’ll have the Middle East as their own personal playground, so it’s not unfeasible they could create something for themselves. If Kosovo survives certain death at the hands of Germany to become a power in Cycle 2, it will delight and irritate certain fans of this game to no end, I’m sure.

Zaire, Zaire, what happened? Mobutu had had a great game before now, bullying Namibia early on and building a strong solid core while avoiding the wrath of Nigeria to the north. Their true breakout came more recently, launching successful inter-continental invasions of Hejaz and Kurdistan (even if the latter took a while to pull off). But when Total War came knocking, they found themselves at the mercy of powerful Nigeria and an opportunistic Lesotho with no other rivals to fight. They will start Cycle 2 bruised and compromised, and right on Nigeria’s doorstep, from their non-original capital of Likasi. They do finish the game with one original capital, though - no one managed to take the Kurdish capital of Hewlêr‎ from them.

We don’t get a shot of Nigeria, but needless to say they’ll be starting from their original capital of Lagos. They’ve been model examples of a CBR power - reacting to the early forward settles of Burkina Faso with decisive military action that essentially wiped out Sankara’s chances of competing, investing heavily in science and as a result gaining many of the most powerful wonders, and using that advantage to wipe out a notable rival in the Ptolemies. Total War also went very well, neutering their nearest rival Zaire and expanding further into the Middle East to consolidate as much power as they could. There’s only real shortcoming - allowing the Vandals to stick around in Africa. Without their potential threat, Cycle 2 would have looked incredibly cushy for Awolowo. He finished this Cycle with the most original capitals - seven. That’s Lagos, Kinshasa, the Tuaregs’ Abalessa, Ouagadougou, Mecca, Jerusalem and Alexandria. Emphatic.

We’ve had a few discussions in the Power Rankers channel about how many potential winners there are left in the game. Some drew the line higher than others - Uzbekistan, Northern Yuan, Two Sicilies… But my cut-off point was Lesotho. Their way to victory was fairly simple but very luck-based: try to avoid being too murdered in Total War, and take advantage of a potentially weakened Zaire very early on to build a strong core - then hope Nigeria and the Vandals get too bogged down fighting each other to do much else. Well, so far so good! Zaire were devastated by Total War; Lesotho took advantage of the chaos, snagging a few more cities, while avoiding the possible danger of Chola or Malaccan naval raids. It’s a successful end to a fairly uneventful game, in which Moshoeshoe found himself in early scraps with Namibia that mostly petered out, while not daring to touch Zaire and seeming to forget Zanzibar existed (who can blame them there?) Lesotho didn’t crumble when the Chola came sailing, and instead walks out of Cycle 1 with their heads held high and a remarkable 4 original capitals: their own, Windhoek, Zanzibar and Mogadishu, which they actually managed to grab off Nigeria.

PARG had numerous potential threats going into Total War - the powerful Soviets, plucky Northern Yuan (who of course won their last war) and Punjab, who had recently made incursions into their territory. They managed to avoid attracting the ire of any of them, instead leaving Total War with remarkably similar borders to how they entered it, albeit grabbing a little corner of Uzbekistan. That suits them just fine. They’ll start with healthy bonuses thanks to their impressive stats that always belied their unimpressive performances. And on top of that, they’ll be in oodles of space - no Perm, a much weaker Northern Yuan and Uzbekistan, and they should get a good few centuries before they have to worry about Punjab again. Their best bet for success is to double-tag the USSR with Germany, but even without that they have ample space and time to rebuild even stronger. After all, we saw a similar thing happen with the underperforming Kazakhs in CBRX1. Still, the relative dullness of their performance this Cycle is evident from their measly one original capital - their own.

As with Kosovo, who’s to say what would’ve happened with Northern Yuan if the game had only run a little longer? But unlike Kosovo, it feels much more deserved that we’ll be seeing Mandukhai again for Cycle 2. First in the Part 0 Power Rankings, Northern Yuan would never impress us that much in the game proper thanks to consistently terrible tech and a tendency to get bogged down in neverending stalemates, mostly with Southern Yuan. That said, they held on bravely against assaults from the more powerful PARG, and towards the end of the game beat back minor players like the Manchu, Japan and - eventually - Yuan. A more protracted Total War could have been devastating for them, but as it is they’ll enter Cycle 2 with a middling array of stats and a fair bit of room to expand. Hopefully they have as much luck fighting off Kolchak as they did in Cycle 1, as he’ll once again be Mandukhai’s main rival. She finishes with two original capitals, just about keeping control of Manchu Mukden alongside her own.

No shot of the Chukchi capital, but they’ll be starting from Kagyrgyn. A civ we had relatively few expectations for thanks to a fairly miserable tundra start, the Chukchi surprised us time and time again, using their relative isolation to launch powerful naval attacks against nearby rivals Japan, Hawai’i and the Chinook, and settling confidently on both sides of the Bering Strait. Make no mistake, their powerful starting bonuses alone won’t be enough to replicate that success - they’ll want to hone those exact same strategies to break out in Cycle 2. But as we’ve seen, they’re more than capable, and they definitely enter Cycle 2 as a frontrunner. They boast five original capitals: alongside their own they picked up Honolulu, Tokyo, Chinook and the Tongva capital of Juyubit.

Punjab have clearly been the victims of a serious nuclear campaign - every city in this scene except Hazara has some fallout nearby. Well, that won’t affect them in Cycle 2, where they’re set to have an excellent start. For a start, they’ll be rid of Bhutan, who proved a strangely irritating thorn in Punjab’s side for many centuries, much weaker than them but strangely difficult to shift. Instead Punjab focussed west, expanding heavily in that direction and bothering both Hejaz and Kurdistan. They used peacetime effectively, bolstering their stats in every parameter, and effectively utilised them late-game to finally push through Bhutan, as well as Indochina and parts of Central Asia. Total War went fine - a bit of land from the Uzbeks, a smidgen of Arabia. Of course, there’s one civ they’ll feel shame at not managing to shift, but we’ll talk about them soon. As it stands Punjab do start the next Cycle in a roomy position likely with some of the best starting bonuses on the board. They finish this one with just three original capitals - Lahore, Thimphu and Laos’ Viang Chan.

So, let’s talk about the elephant in Ranjit Singh’s throne room. When Punjab started to pull ahead, the existence of the Chola felt almost as fragile as Bhutan’s. Their elimination seemed a formality on Punjab’s path to greatness. But that’s not what happened: despite their previous achievements being limited to annoying Laos, sneaking a couple of cities from Hejaz and almost eliminating a comatose VOC, the Chola threw everything into defending their homeland against multiple Punjabi invasions. Against all odds, they succeeded - though while their stats never rivalled Punjab’s, they were hardly shabby, and in a more charitable area they might have thrived a little more potently. Total War saw few permanent border changes for the Chola, and they should enter Cycle 2 with fairly decent starting bonuses. Less than Punjab, of course, but they’ve been underdogs to Punjab all game - I think there’s every chance they could turn the subcontinent around. They only finish with their own original capital, losing colonies like Zanzibar and Batavia in Total War.Before we leave Asia for the time being, let’s just remember Taiping, because apparently the auto-camera didn’t. Taiping boasted a powerful early game core with much weaker neighbours on all sides: Yuan, Bhutan, Laos and Vietnam. It’s maybe not fair to say they butchered their invasion attempts - they did take a couple cities from Kublai Khan, and a forward settle from Bhutan - but being as boxed-in as they were they were going to need more than a few potshots to compete in the long run. Any hope of that came to a swift end when rising star Malacca made mincemeat of their southern territories, and Taiping persisted only as a map-filler ever since. They were likely one turn from death when Total War ended, but escaped the fury of anyone looking for a cheap easy kill in the time since then, and thus will start Cycle 2 from Jiujiang, a little west of their original capital. Safe to say they won’t last long.

Whichever civ dominates Australia often tends to have a charmed life for the remainder of the game, and after the Anangu sent their entire army into the Pacific allowing the Kulin to walk in unopposed, William Barak had ensured himself a life free from many problems. As expected, the Kulin spent most of the game investing in naval units, expanding into the South Pacific but failing to break through to Asia. But they had an unprecedented amount of success in South America, first taking a couple of cities from the Marajoara before absolutely eviscerating the Mapuche, in perhaps the game’s most impressive single-civ annihilation. They’ll start Cycle 2 with some of the most impressive stat bonuses. But will it matter? The next map will be significantly smaller, transforming Australia from a huge continent to a more marginal landmass, mostly deserted. It might prove too small to build a proper power base, as happened with Australia in CBRX1’s Endgame - and they didn’t have an ultra-powerful and naval-focussed civ in Indochina to worry about. The Kulin will have to expand rapidly if they want to contend, and will have much more of an uphill battle than other frontrunners with comparable stats. But they’ve proven they’re nothing if not tenacious already, finishing Cycle 1 with 6 original capitals - the two in Australia, Tahiti’s Pape’ete, and THREE in South America: Puren, Tacna and Asunción.

South America was full of civs that attracted a lot of pre-game attention - the game-breakers Gran Colombia, the feisty Paraguay, the threatening Mapuche. Well, all three of those proved disappointing, but the Marajoara were hardly blowing anyone out of the water early on; we long considered South America a continent full of equally weak nations (and Peru-Bolivia). P’küee’s ascent was slow: subtly expanding into the Caribbean to bolster her navy, and following Nigeria’s footsteps in focussing on science. A comprehensive invasion of Gran Colombia followed, setting the Marajoara as the continent’s clear frontrunners. From there, barely a foot was put wrong. Allowing Paraguay and Palmares to wear each other out before sweeping through Paraguay, removing most of the Vandal presence from the Caribbean, these were all power plays that set her in great stead going into Total War. In truth, that war was about damage control - with a powerful Kulin to the south and a completely unkillable Rio Grande to the north, the chief operation was to stay intact. Stay intact they did, and as a result they find themselves in an incredible position for Cycle 2: top tier stat boosts, and a continent entirely to themselves. It would take a series of blunders the likes of which we’ve rarely seen for the Marajoara to not emerge as a frontrunner in Cycle 2. She finishes this Cycle with just the three original capitals - her own, Bogotá and Kingston.

Rosillo played the long game. It’s safe to say we weren’t too impressed by him early on, instead showing more affection for the civ that had taken a city from him, the Mississippi. But Rio Grande built a surprisingly powerful little core, and just as Tuskaloosa started to overstretch himself, Rosillo pounced, transforming Rio Grande into North America’s premier power almost overnight. That’s when the controversy started - a broken UB gave Rio Grande completely unassailable defence values that all but ensured they’d keep their current power level at a minimum to the end of the Cycle. Later wars with a broken New Netherland proved fruitful, but the Marajoara and the Dene both stubbornly refused to cede much ground, including during Total War. As a result Rio Grande will start with a great array of stats, though probably only equalling the Dene and the Marajoara, not surpassing. And yes - the bug is fixed, so they’ll have no such get-out-of-jail cards next time round. They finish with three original capitals, boasting Cahokia and Coatzacalcos, the erstwhile Olmec capital. Remember those guys?

Rosillo’s main rival remains Thanadelthur - we had a few worries about her going into Total War, but she shrugged off any attempted invasions and instead focussed on liberating as many long-dead nations as she could. That’s somewhat of a deviation from her MO for most of the game, spending as much energy trying to eliminate North America’s minnows as challenging local rivals. Still, from the early conquest of Two Affiliated Tribes to grabbing significant chunks from the Mississippi and the Tongva, the Dene quite calmly rose above the highs and lows of a very volatile continent. They even held their own against Rosillo, swiping border cities from him before he could build his broken UB there. Cycle 2 should prove a comfortable early game before nearby rivals the Chukchi and Rio Grande draw close - bat the Chukchi back into Asia early, and they definitely stand a chance of uniting the continent. They finish with just the two original capitals, their own and Like-a-Fishhook from TAT. Of course, they’d have finished with 3, if not for…

I can’t believe it. Memed back into existence, it’s the Neutral Nation, in their original capital no less. But of course they’re making it into Cycle 2. Continuing to live against all odds - and doing nothing else besides - is the Neutral way. Cycle 2 wouldn’t feel complete without them. And I fully expect them to continue existing against all odds for hundreds of turns into that Cycle too. So once more, let us join in the eternal refrain.

In other news, the Neutrals are still alive (they’re on a 22 turn streak!) This has been your daily Neutral update.

We have two more civs to look at, and we’re finishing with the two civs that most exceeded our expectations. Really, that’s what the CBR is all about: it’s as much seeing the AI make the most out of difficult situations as it is watching them bungle easy victories. Both found success through wide-reaching settling and a strong naval focus - as we can see here. The Paraguay-founded Fernando de la Mora still flies Malaccan flags, while the Vandals, keen to colonise the oceans once more, have settled Vaga in South Georgia. Let’s go into more detail on these two beautiful and bizarre civs that defied odds to conquer the Cylinder.

Malacca were ranked 49th in the Episode 0 Power Rankings, though shot to the top 10 almost immediately after the first info sheet showed a promising start statistically. Since Episode 7 they’ve stayed in the top 2 in every ranking - a dominance no CBR contender has rivalled since the heyday of the Boers. So what set them apart?Well, Malacca were never really a conventional frontrunner. Most of the iconic powerful CBR civs ruled continents, but Malacca ruled the oceans. For much of the game their navy was completely unbeatable, as proven by their massacre of a then-powerful Taiping; it was only the recent rise of the Kulin that provided them with a formidable rival, and Total War suggested that Barak might have swiped the edge off his rival, though not significantly enough to cause a significant dent in Mansur Shah’s empire. But similar to the Boers, Malacca’s dominance of the PRs definitely owed more to potential and safety than impressive power plays. In fact Malacca’s most interesting achievements almost felt like side-projects, particularly their invasion of the Tongva. They never really converted their huge statistical lead over their neighbours into something incredible the way, say, Nigeria did. Still, they’ll go into the next Cycle with said lead mostly intact, and without Vietnam, Laos and VOC to eat potential city sites. Expand as quickly as they did this Cycle, possibly focussing more on a significant land base in Indochina, and there’s no doubt Malacca could re-establish themselves as front-runners once again. And they do finish with a healthy 5 capitals: Malacca, Batavia, Hanoi, Tianjing, and as of the last turn, Khanbaliq.

We come to our final entrants into Cycle 2: Genseric’s Vandals. Only Jamaica and Hawai’i ranked lower than the Vandals in the Episode 0 PRs - we put them lower than VOC and Tahiti! Expectations were rock bottom for the Vandals following the early eliminations of Algeria and Libya in CBRX1 and an unimpressive track record in previous AI games. But the Vandals scored something of an easier life than we expected. Burkina Faso fumbled an early impressive showing, while the Tuareg performed very poorly from the off. Across the Med, Spain focussed their efforts entirely northward, and the once-terrifying Two Sicilies simply never invaded. Still, an Africa dominated by the Ptolemies and Nigeria was going to be a difficult landmass to establish themselves in. So they chose a different option: similarly to Malacca, they used a decent statistical array and a metric ton of ships to dominate an ocean, rather than a continent. Their most memorable showing was against New Netherland, completely decimating one of North America’s most promising up-and-comers - but they also swiped the Palmares capital in a complete smash-and-grab conflict. That said, they’ve taken a few hits in Total War, losing some of the Eastern Seaboard to the Dene and Rio Grande and a bit of Africa to Nigeria, and it remains to be seen what that’s done to their stats. Assuming the damage isn’t too bad, they’re in a decent position for Cycle 2, with the obvious caveat that Nigeria will be breathing down their neck much sooner. On the other hand, the Mediterranean is theirs, with Spain, Two Sicilies, Kosovo and the Ptolemies things of the past. Another strong naval showing should make them another force to be reckoned with. They finish Cycle 1 with 4 original capitals: Hippo Regius, Madrid, Nieuw-Amsterdam and the Palmares capital of Macaco, clung to against all odds.

Well, take a deep breath. That’s the last you’ll see of this map. Come next episode we’re launching into Cycle 2, resetting our combatants to the Ancient Era on a smaller and more competitive map. I’ve been told in good confidence that it’ll be as chaotic and entertaining as this Cycle has been. And you won’t have long to wait to find out:  the first episode of CBRX2: Cycle 2 will be dropping December 15th. That’s right - no lengthy hiatuses this time, we’re dropping straight back into things.

In the meantime, follow the subreddit or Discord channel for more information like the bonuses given to each civ. If you’d like, check out my Google map of Cycle 1, which I’ll be updating for the final time shortly after this episode drops. And check out my Google Map for Cycle 2, which is just getting started. I’ve been LacsiraxAriscal. This has been CBRX Cycle 1. See you soon for the sequel.