Episode 28: Like a Flood of Pain

1: PART 28, GIVE IT UP FOR PART 28!

Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet’s get ready to rumbleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Howdy folks, it’s me, ItsTruckMonth, back for another narration. I assume some of y’all remember me from my introduction last part but here's a small recap: been around since X1, resident shitposter, yada-yada and all that. It’s been a small bit since I last narrated, and I’m glad I can come back for yet another narration for (in my opinion) the most exciting season yet!

Alright enough of that introduction stuff. Let’s get down to yet another episode of the Civ Battle Royale: X2 (Cycle 2)!

2: Ya Snooze, Ya Lose

u/Orangechrisy delivers yet another great weekly comic detailing the lore behind our first part that DOESN’T end with Kulin and Malacca at war. Will this streak keep up, or will we be back to our usual slapstick? Let’s find out later, shall we?

3: Dead Map

Our second bit of OC this week is yet another map, but a bit more underground, as u/E_C_H has done a phenomenal job composing a map of the burial sites of every single leader present in the CBR series (including the upcoming X3!). There were some estimates, but when you get questionably real characters you gotta make do with what you got.

4: Gib

As always, a big thanks to the Ko-Fi folks for allowing this endless stream of war, violence, and shitposting to continue. Remember, ever

5: Ice Walkers 2.0 Stay Winning

The Chukchi remain top dog of the PR’s this week, and have further solidified their ranking through the brutal annihilation of Northern Yuan. There’s no stopping them right now, but then again we’ve seen bigger throws before (*cough* *cough* Kazakhs *cough* *cough*)

6: Congrats! You made it Political!

Before we get into the actual good stuff let’s check in on everyone’s favorite subject: Politics!

Just kidding, though, we can see some new governments forming, such as the Vandal Monastic Order, the Neutral Military Dictatorship, and the Marajoara Horde. Don’t know how horses fare in the Amazon rainforest, P’kuee, but hey you do you I guess.

7: Hordin’ Hordes

Our last look at governments shows us some other government changes, including the Principality of Gaul, the Dene joining the Neutrals in being war-hawkish psychos, and the PARG-champs hopping on the horde bandwagon, in a region that probably is gonna see more success for hordes, but who am I to judge.

And with that out of the way, let’s get into the good stuff!

08: No Admirals?

Our first shot this part takes us to the Vandal-Nigerian front, showing Aba still in Vandal hands. Two Nigerian galleons stand next to the island ready to take it, only for the Vandal naval force to retake it almost instantly. The larger Nigerian fleet to the right could really be of some use right now, that Kulin fleet really doesn’t need that many ships, you know.

Speaking of fleets, uh remember last episode when Nigeria had that ridiculous amount of Great Admirals? Yeah uh, where did they go, Awolowo? Did you, in your infinite wisdom, make admirals out of people who never learned to swim? Awolowo??

09: Signs you’re definitely getting invaded

Sign 1: A large military build up on your borders that definitely isn’t there for peaceful purposes.

Unsurprisingly, Lesotho goes back into the ring against Nigeria, the latter of which has quite the undefended southern flank. Lubumbashi, Mbuji-Mayi, and Kananga look like ripe pickings for the more advanced Lesotho land force.

10: All Roads lead to Regius

Here’s a shot of the Vandal naval core in the Mediterranean. Apparently Genseric read of a long lost civilization from another time, one that looped this grand sea and was the center of the world at the time. Genseric had recreated this, but his ambitions are greater. He wants to rise higher than that great empire: not just become the center of the world, but the world itself.

Also btw, they’re still at war with the Gauls. If you couldn’t tell I don’t blame you, I couldn’t tell at first either.

11: Your Daily Neutral Update

In other news, the Neutrals are still alive (they’re on a 270 turn streak!) This has been your daily Neutral update.

12: The Encircled

We get a good shot of Punjab, who’s not in the best spot overall at the moment. To the north lies the Himalayas and the accursed J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́. And finally to the west lies PARG, our #1, the Chukchi. To the south lies Malacca, the wielder of probably their best choice for expansion, but still a tough nut to crack.

They’re ways away from their place at #1 earlier this season, and their chance to win it all may have slipped away a long time ago.

13: The J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́

To the southwest, we see the accursed J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́ in all their glory. The menace of Southeast Asia, and the bane of Kulin’s existence, Malacca still stands as one of the top contenders of the game, and anyone with turf in the Pacific or Indian oceans should be wary of this seaward monster.

14: The Prisoner

And to the southeast-southeast, lies the Kulin. A continent all to themselves, but is it a blessing, or a curse? They’ve warred numerous times with their rival to the North, and as a result have been contained to the land down under. Is there a possibility for them to break out of this shell? Only time will tell.

15: The Sleeping Giant

We get a shot of the sleeping giant of South America, the Marajoara, who as of last part have been sleeping no longer. A war with both the Vandals and Big River have left them slightly bruised, but nowhere near out of the competition. Will this be enough to awaken them from their science-maxxing slumber? Again, only time will tell.

16: W A R

Alright enough boring lore stuff, it’s time for war again!

Chukchi, still somehow unsatisfied with pummeling Nyuan into non-existence, now set their sights on their former wartime ally, PARG. This doesn’t seem like it’ll be as much of a freebie however, Kolchak’s forces are somewhat on par with the Chukchi, so be prepared for another grindfest in Central Siberia.

17: P E A C E

Alright and we’re now back to peace. This time the Vandals and Nigeria have made peace, with no cities given away in peace deals I believe. Overall, it was a win for the Vandals, taking all of Nigeria’s Atlantic island cities (you’ll see later) and Port Harcourt, giving Vandals universal control of the Mediterranean Sea.

Also yes, Gauls are still at war with the Vandals.

18: W O N D E R

Not much to see on this slide from the Kulin core, so let’s take a look at the wonders built on the side.

Nigeria builds Broadway, which grants a free Great Musician and 3 Great Works of Music slots. Overall not really beneficial when the prime objective is conquest, but hey at least they’re conquering while listening to a certified banger.

Meanwhile Lesotho builds Fasil Ghebbi, which gives a +33% combat bonus to friendly units within 2 tiles of the city it’s built in. No clue where it was built, but whoever tries to take that city could be in for a hell of a fight.

19: Wondermaxxing

And speaking of wonders, let’s take a look at who is building the most. Mansur takes the lead at 13 wonders, followed by Awolowo at 11. Singh takes 3rd with 8 wonders, while Barak and Lawtiliwadlin tie at 4th with 5. Rosillo and P’kuee tie at 5th with 4 wonders, and Moshoeshoe takes 6th with 2.

20: Wonderminning

6th place is crowded though, as Lenin, Kolchak, Genseric and Thanadelthur all possess 2 wonders. The two European rivals, Vercingetorix and Wilheim, tie for 7th with only one wonder.

21: Wonderlacking

And at the bottom of the list, with 0 wonders, include the sub, the dead guys and everyone’s favorite two rumps: the Neutrals and [REDACTED].

22: Russian Civil War 2: Electric Boogaloo

The Russias go to war as Lenin joins in the fight against Kolchak. While PARG’s east flank is quite lightly defended by units, the Ural mountains will make the Soviet’s movements painfully slow.

That said, Lenin’s funneling a massive amount of units between the Urals and the Caspian Sea towards a lightly defended Samara.

23: Lubum-barging In

Lesotho’s making good progress in the war against Nigeria, taking Mbuji-Mayi down to the red. Things are gonna get worse from here though, as Nigerian forces are streaming down thanks to the peace deal with the Vandals. Mbuji may be the subject of one heavy flip fest.

Meanwhile, Lubumbashi has yet to take any damage, but Lesotho troops continue to surround the city.

24: NA’s Big Bois

We get a shot of the cores and border between the Dene and Big River, the titans of North America. Last part saw another war between them, with Ciudad Victoria becoming Dene clay. Now, Rosillo arguably has the advantage in terms of land tech, but Thanadelthur holds the naval and geographic advantage.

Imo, the only way Big River can break the Dene is jumping them should they get into a war with the Chukchi.

25: Hothot Conflict

The first spoil of the Siberian war is Hothot, taken by the Chukchi, and it looks to be slightly secured in Chukchi’s hands even with the PARG units nearby. The geography and density of PARG troops will make the other city captures much more challenging, however.

26: Damming the River (but from about 2 miles away)

Another coalition begins, with the new target being the Big River Bois. Lesotho and PARG are certainly irrelevant here, though Kulin’s involvement could mean bad business for Rio’s singular Polynesian city.

Already skirmishes between River Boi and Kulin ships can be seen just off the coast of Mexico.

27: May-I Take This City Please?

Mbuji-Mayi falls to Lesotho forces, while Nigerian forces standby to possibly flip the city. Meanwhile the latter continues to hold troops around Lubumbashi without damaging it, and moves Riflemen towards Kananga.

The Nigerian navy counteracts by sending a frigate to Hlotse.

28: Laid Back Boats

The Soviets push towards Krasnodar and bring it to the red, with multiple melee units ready to take the city.

Kolchak it’s cool that you have one of the most advanced navies in the world, but there’s kinda no point if you don’t actually use the damn navy.

29: Yes, but May-I Have it Back?

Mbuji-Mayi flips back to Nigeria, and is primed to be flipped yet again by Lesotho.

Hlotse begins to take damage from a lone Nigerian frigate, and more ships continue to stream down from around the horn.

30: Something Something Russia in Winter

The Chukchi advance on Shangdu and Zalantun is, as expected, quite a meat grinder. Meanwhile, PARG curaissers and pikemen press towards the late Kosovan exclave of Gjilani, and begin to slightly damage it.

Also in the sidebar, Kulin and Nigeria make peace, if that was ever really relevant (yes I saw the couple Kulin ships in Nigerian waters earlier quiet you).

31: A Krass Assault

The Soviets take Krasnodar with little movement by PARG’s cruiser fleet. Meanwhile a trio of curaissers press through the mountains towards Ufa, but without any siege weapons and a combat penalty against cities, don’t expect the Soviets to make much progress here.

32: City by City, Colony by Colony

Oh yeah, the war between the Vandals and Gauls.

Wait, things are actually happening? Two Vandal SotL (Ship-of-the-Lines) are attacking Gergovia, and a breakaway fleet is moving towards Gaelic Scotland. If he can’t break the capital, Genseric may have to break the rest of Vercingetorix’s frail and lackluster empire.

33: May-I see some Gains?

Lesotho retakes Mbuji-Mayi in the city’s third flip (also no I’m not making any more Mayi puns). However, Lesotho’s starting to finally make progress on other fronts, as the city of Lubumbashi is now down to the yellow, and is likely to fall soon.

The rough terrain will make that city hard to retake for Nigeria, however.

34: Now Watch this Drive

Multiple other nations declare war on PARG in an effort to contain the White Menace. Punjab easily is the biggest foe in this wave of declarations, looking to steal Nukus, Voronezh and possibly even the late Uzbek capital of Tashkent.

The terrain should definitely be their biggest obstacle, given a somewhat lackluster defense force. To surpass that could spell hope for Punjab breaking out of their Ganges Basin prison.

35: Deserting Desert

Lubumbashi expectedly fell to Lesotho forces, and the geography favors Lesotho, making it hard for Nigeria to retake the city. Nigeria’s forces here are looking worse for wear: their land force outside Mbuji-Mayi has dwindled to two melee units, and their navy on both sides has been decimated. Overall, things look sour for our former number one.

36: Live Landlubber Reaction

Down south, we can see proof of the Vandals island hopping conquests, taking their Antarctic holdings and the city of Aba, confining Nigeria to the African mainland (and like half of Arabia). These islands could become a nice forward base for another campaign against Marajoara.

Speaking of Marajoara, they’ve awoken and have declared war on Nigeria, which could be more relevant than one would initially think.

37: Coldcold War

Chukchi and PARG make peace, with Hothot being the only prize by the Winter Warriors. Already PARG takes advantage of this newfound peace, and shifts the majority of his force towards the Urals, to face the Soviet threat head-on.

Also the Gauls join in on the fun, but they have bigger problems than PARG.

38: Exhibit A: Said Bigger Problems

The Vandal breakaway force has found its way to Vienna, and has already brought it down to half health. Gaelic naval units do exist, but are sorely behind in terms of tech and will almost certainly be annihilated by Vandal cruisers and SotL’s.

Meanwhile, a pair of Vandal cruisers head towards Gaelic Newfoundland.

39: I TOLD YOU NO MORE MAYI PUNS

Nigeria retakes Mbuji-Mayi yet again, but this time it looks a lot more secure than before. Lubumbashi stays practically impenetrable, another Nigerian frigate heads towards Hlotse, and Lesotho units snake their way into the Nigerian core, possibly targeting Abuja.

40: AND IN COMES MANSUR WITH A STEEL CHAIR

The accursed J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́ sets its sights on Africa, and declares war on Lesotho. Despite an impressive land army, their navy is laughably behind as of now, and seeing what the J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́ can do against navies of frigates, the Lesotho galleases are going to get absolutely washed over.

I can already see Madagascar slowly turning blue as we speak.

41: Island Hopping

Kulin privateers surround the city of *breathes in* Hacienda San Jose de Gonzalez *breathes out* and have brought the island city down into the yellow.

To the north, a trio of frigates push towards Jimenez. Is Barak trying to live the glory days of crushing Mapuche and colonizing South America?

42: Not Long until J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́

Malacca already makes a strong headway, taking the city of Mokhotlong down into the red. The Lesotho navy is stronger down south, but I don’t know if it’ll be nearly enough to repel the Malaccan fleet.

43: Really, Mok-Not-Long

A turn later, Mokhotlong falls to the jaws of the J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́, who in their bloodthirsty ways order the city to be burnt to a crisp, and Quthing has begun to take a smidge of damage.

The massive naval fleet up in India has not moved one bit however. Once it does, however, Moshoeshoe better pick a god and pray (or at least, a better tech path, preferably one with better boats (THIS IS DIRECTED TO YOU TOO ROSILLO)).

44: Slogs

Mayi flips again to Lesotho. Other than that, not many more updates on this front, though Moshoeshoe is trying to send units towards the Nigerian capital of Lagos, and Nigerian defense forces are wearing thin near Katanga.

45: …And more slogs

Voronezh begins to take a bit of damage from the oncoming Soviet forces, although the push is slow. Meanwhile, Ranjit prioritizes taking the city of Tashkent, sending a greater number of forces towards the highly-prized capital.

46: Fish n’ Ships

And Vienna falls to the Vandal navy, with the Gaelic naval garrison all but annihilated, save for a lone Galleass. Unable to take the inland city of Alesia, Genseric may send these ships towards Lutetia and extend his North American holdings.

47: Guns, God and.. Chakrams?

The war between Punjab and PARG is expectedly going nowhere so let’s take a look at Punjab’s UU.

The Akali replaces the rifleman, and grants the traditional melee unit a short Ranged attack. It also is cheaper to purchase with faith, and gets a free promotion if trained in a Holy City. Given Punjab’s religious fervor, these units are (hopefully) going to be a game-changer in this conflict.

48: Ger-Going

The Vandals have completely purged the sea of Gaelic naval units, and a pair of privateers and one SotL continue the attack on Gergovia, bringing it down to the red. Their northern navy remains static though, but it’s not like they’re in any rush really.

49: O-shit-na

As I said before, Marajoara may be more relevant in this conflict than one may think, as a large amphibious force is approaching the city Onitsha. Given the seas of East Africa are completely null and void of any Nigerian naval presence, Onistha and even Lagos could be in danger of falling.

The vice closes around Awolowo…

50: Let loose the J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́s of war!

Malacca’s great naval carpet of India is now beginning to stream down towards Lesotho’s west, with Maputsoe now starting to take damage as well. I would go as far to say Mohale's Hoek and Hlotse are also in peril, given the absolute lack of Lesotho naval units on their eastern coast.

51: Nerf or Nothing

Remember when Big River had those stupid ass defense values? Well it seems like Rosillo remembers as well, as they’ve bee-lined towards Military Science to get their once busted UU, the Fortaleza Colonial, which gives +1 defense for every river tile owned by the city (YES IT’S FIXED NOW DON’T WORRY).

Rosillo, instead of investing in Military Science, how about you start investing in some bi- I-I mean a better navy. Seriously, you’re still running galleases while the world’s starting to show cruisers.

52: Tourists(?)

Punjab utilizes his friendships well, using Chukchi’s open borders to funnel units around the Russian frontlines. Shangdu is lightly defended, so let’s see if this strategy can actually pay off. Down south, Tashkent continues to evade Punjabi capture.

53: J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́-sam

Even with the force attacking Lesotho, Malacca’s core is teeming with J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́. I’d go as far as to say they could probably even snag some cities off of Chdukchi as well, possibly snipe the Philippines and maybe Taiwan.

Meanwhile, Big River builds Brandenburg, which gives them a free Great General and +15 XP to all units built in that city.

54: Forget the basics of CQC

We get a shot of the Marajoara core, which looks chock full of cannons and crossbows, with few land-based military units.

Oddly however, the Kulin navy has either been decimated, or just left the city of *breathes in* Hacienda San Jose de Gonzalez *breathes out* (That’s not even their longest possible city name, what the hell). We can see a duo of privateers combating Big River galleons in Vandal’s Pacific Paradise, but no other sign of the Kulin navy.

55: Ger-Go- paused

The Vandal navy has been repulsed from Gergovia, though Vandal naval units still exist in the area.

Up north, the Vandal expeditionary force has completely left Vienna (save for one cruiser) and is heading west towards North America. Oh I wonder for what purpose?

56: And I paddle away from brave Hippo’s white sands…

Vandal forces begin to siege Lutetia, which will definitely be a harder nut to crack given a great number of Gaelic units and the presence of an actual Gaelic navy, but the Vandals still maintain a heavy tech advantage here. I must imagine for all their overseas colonizing and plundering, sea shanties must be the big new thing in Vandal culture.

In other news, the Neutrals are still alive (they’re on a 286 turn streak!) This has been your daily Neutral update.

57: Taking the Scenic Route

The Punjabi strategy of utilizing borders is actually seeing benefits, as Shangdu is now down to the red with little Russian resistance. There is one problem though: Chukchi blocking the way for a lot of Punjabi units, most importantly the melee units.

Soviet cuirassiers meanwhile slowly push forward towards Samara.

58: May-I Start Hearing Some Boss Music?

YOU THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH THE MAYI PUNS?

Anyways, Good Lord Nigeria decided to actually put in some elbow grease and pumped out one hell of a land army. Mbuji will almost certainly fall back into Nigerian hands, and with the supporting steel chair from Malacca, this war has completely 180’d against Moshoeshoe.

59: Land Ho-ek!

Speaking of the “steel chair,” Quthing has fallen to the J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́ and begins to burn to the ground.

Good news for Lesotho: The Malaccan navy has backed off from Maputshoe and a rifleman is nearby to possibly save Quthing.

Bad news: J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́s have reached the mainland and Mohale’s Hoek has begun taking damage, and Malacca hasn’t even brought in their main fleet yet.

60: May-I keep it?

Mbuji falls back into Nigerian hands this time it may finally stay that way. Nigerian forces now begin to press down towards Lubumbashi, but existing Lesotho forces and the geography will make it quite difficult to pin down.

61: Too many words, didn’t conquer

A new, larger wave of Kulin naval units makes its way west towards Big River. Instead of taking *breathes in* Hacienda San Jose de Gonzalez *breathes out*, Kulin's now aiming for Rosillo’s South American holding of Jimenez (Did the name of the former intimidate them that much?). With little Rio naval presence, the city should easily fall.

62: Malaccasgar

Maputshoe falls to Malacca, rendering all of Madagascar as another vassal of the J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́ empire. Now the Jongs press eastward, as one finds itself outside Hlotse. Lesotho decides to finally start bringing its southern navy up to combat the oncoming threat, but it may be too little too late.

63: The Counter-Colonial Clapback

Fed up with Old World powers settling and taking from the Americas, Marajoara counters by besieging Onitsha with land and naval units, bringing it down to the yellow, with even more units in tow from the Marajoara mainland. Nigeria counters with a couple land and naval units, not wanting to leave their capital exposed without a fight.

64: Core Review: Episode 1

Alright time to take a break from all the fighting with what I am now rebranding as Core Review™!

First up is the Chukchi. Their military may not be the most impressive tech-wise, but they make up for it in sheer numbers, completely painting over Alaska and the North Pacific with units of white and blue.

This core gets a score of 9/10.

65: Core Review: Episode 2

Now we get a look at Germany’s core.

Solid, pretty solid tech wise and overall good coverage, even if it’s not as big as Chukchi’s.

Core Score: 8/10. Now if only they’d wake up and use it for once, preferably before the Vandals gobble up their easiest expansion opportunity.

66: The Violence Has Escalated

Alright enough Core Review™, time for more violence.

The Punjabi side force is making some headway, bringing Shangdu to black and Zalantun to red. They just need to bring a melee unit in before Russia finally wakes up to Singh’s sideline shenanigans.

67: Tampico can have a couple ships, as a treat

The Kulin fleet has reached Jimenez and has begun damaging it slightly. A part of the fleet has broken off and moved north towards Tampico, though given those tough defense values and dense land army it’ll more likely just be shredded.

And in the midst of being coalitioned, PARG builds the Smithsonian, which grants a science boost when expending great people and provides a free academy in the city it’s built in.

68: Sikh the Means of Production

A couple nations start taking up ideologies, such as Punjab, who takes up communism.

Their war with PARG is becoming a grind unfortunately thanks to the geography of Central Asia. It’s becoming less and less likely that any gains will be made down here, though forces close in on Nukus.

69: Hats Stronk, Stronker than J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́

Down south, Lesotho adopts Facism, with Moshoeshoe ordering an increased production of propaganda pamphlets to rally the populace against the Blue Menace.

Said situation with Malacca is going increasingly dire, however, as Hlotse is beginning to take damage, and Mohale’s Hoek is now down in the yellow, all while Lesotho’s navy begins to increasingly thin out.

70: Kei’i’yergyn Swipe Speedrun 100%

Chukchi decides to clean up a bit of border gore and declares on Kulin, taking back the city of Kei’i’yergyn practically instantly. Given borders, it’s highly unlikely they make any more gains (though I can see them possibly snagging Jimenez away after Kulin takes it).

71: It’s a Sad Qu-thing to See.

A lone Lesotho rifleman takes back the city of Quthing in an act of defiance. Unfortunately, the city is about to get absolutely smacked silly by the J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́ and is certain to be retaken.

The situation grows worse on the mainland though, as Mohale’s Hoek falls to the red, and Hlotse falls to yellow.

72: A Memory of An Empire Lost

Jimenez falls to the Kulin, granting the Kulin another taste outside their J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́-based imprisonment, and a memory of was probably the greatest Australian-based empire in the CBR. The breakaway fleet up north looks to have been completely destroyed however, so it’s almost certain that this will be the extent of their gains, lest they go for that Pacific city that I’m not naming again you know what it is.

73: I Never Wanted Clean Maps Anyways

Punjab actually takes a city using the open border strategy, taking Zalantun from the Russians! While Russian curraisiers begin to push in, I can see Punjab holding onto the city for a bit longer.

74: Drummers Stronk

The Dene are next to take up an ideology, also taking Facism in a bid to gain another advantage over their southern rivals.

While we’re here, we might as well do another Core Review™. Dene’s navy is pretty dense in the North and Pacific, but their land army is quite paltry to say the least.

Core Score: 6/10.

75: Much to Mohale’s Horror

The J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́ have officially made landfall on the African continent, taking the city of Mohale’s Hoek. Lesotho still means to fight back however, as multiple melee units stand outside ready to take the city. To the left as well, we can see what I believe is this cycle’s first ironclad.

Up north, the Nigeria-Lesotho front remains practically unchanged.

76: Bruise Cruisin’

The Vandals are slowly but surely whittling Lutetia down, now bringing it into the red. The city is practically guaranteed to fall at this rate.

Meanwhile, some bruised cruisers push on towards Cenabum, Gaul’s final colonial city.

77: Dawn of the Final Day: 24 Hours Remain

Onitsha falls to the Marajoara’s (Mask) Fleet, who proceed to funnel more units into Nigerian turf. Nigeria responds with naval and land units of their own, in what’ll be a conflict that could decide whether Nigeria sinks or swims in this royale.

To the right, Nigeria slowly pushes towards Lubumbashi.

78: In Hlot Water

Lesotho manages to retake Mohale’s Hoek, but with the sheer Malaccan naval presence it’ll flip repeatedly. Hlotse meanwhile is now down to the red, and Lesotho responds in kind with a greater land force of field guns to counter.

Up North, it seems that Nigeria is slowly pushing towards retaking Lubumbashi and maybe even Kinshasa.

79: Slide to the Right!

Ranjit changes his mind, deciding that communism is “cringe” and pushes for nationalism instead.

Also the war with PARG is still a slog, nothing’s changed, let's move on.

80: Cold? Dystopian? A Prime Spot for Gulags!

Chukchi also grabs an ideology, unsurprisingly being facism as well. With another facist giant on their eastern border, that being the Dene, it’ll be interesting to see a war between the two titans of the North Pacific.

81: We’re experiencing technical difficulties: Please standby

Malacca is the final civ to grab an ideology for this part and they choose uh, ummmmmmmm. Yeah, so I actually don’t know, so uh let’s talk about the Louvre yeah?

The Louvre grants a free Great Artist and 4 extra slots for Great Works of Art, so not really a good wonder for a conquest based game.

82: Ger-Going

Vandals go in for round #I don’t know and besiege Gergovia yet again. This time though, they’re complementing it with a rather large land invasion of the Gaelic capital of Bibracte, and begin to slightly damage the city.

Could the Gauls finally break here, or are Vandals gonna have to retreat, replan and re-engage yet again?

83: Your precious Urals can only help you so much!

The Soviet front finally sees some progress and brings Samara down to the yellow, all the while the PARG counter force in the west is beginning to slow whittle away.

Down south, the Punjabi advance on Tashkent has completely evaporated, save for a lone line infantry unit that’s about to get his world rocked.

84: Cena-barren

Lutetia falls to the Vandals. With no melee units save for a caravel inside Cenabum, the Gaelic city is cut off from the rest of the empire (like it really did them any favors in this conflict). The Vandal navy moves further westward, planning on taking Gaelic Canada entirely.

85: Wait a Minute, That isn’t My Color Scheme!

Kolchak has finally realized that the civ he was fighting down south somehow took a city up in Russia’s northwestern holdings, and finally sends in a force to take it back. The city is already in the red, and nothing can save it bar a frame-perfect peace deal.

Punjabi Zalantun had a good run, folks. Press F to pay respects.

86: Nom Nom?

Lesotho maintains control of Mohale’s Hoek and Hlotse for the time being, but the Malaccan navy circles like hungry sharks around Africa’s east coast.

Up north, the war against Nigeria is still ongoing and still no progress has been made, though some units have slipped deep into Lesotho territory.

87: You have mere Jimen-utes

Kulin and Big River make peace, with the only city gained being Jimenez. That said, the Chukchi never peaced out, and have moved a small naval force to take the city. Will Chukchi join Malacca in containing Kulin to its hellish prison?

88: Max

Now let’s take a look at who has the wrinkliest brains.

Marajoara maintains the tech lead at 62 techs, followed by Nigeria at 61. Following in order is Punjab at 58, Lesotho at 57, the Vandals at 56, Chukchi at 55, and the USSR and Kulin tied with 54 techs.

89: Less coarse

They’re followed by the Dene, PARG and Malacca at 53 techs, Big River at 52, Germany at 49 and the Gauls at 47.

90: So smooth, the insults just slide off

Finally, the Neutrals and [REDACTED] contain the smoothest brains among them (no I’m not saying the funny game title), both with 34 techs. The rest are either us here in the sub, or the dead.

Alright fellas, back to war.

91: A Tragedy in Tun Parts

….and we’re off with the fall of Punjabi Zalantun. With the city surrounded by PARG units and with no melee units on the front, Punjab has no chance of retaking the city (RIP bordergore my beloved).

Down south, Samara is now down to the red, and to the north a contingent of PARG forces defends Ufa, seemingly successfully, from a small force of Soviet curraisiers.

92: A Two-for-One Deal? What a Steal!

Mohale’s Hoek and Hlotse fall to the mighty J̸͉̠̌̔͋͝͝ǫ̷͌͠n̶͇̭̼̮̓͌g̸͎̬͐́ fleet, who proceed to move a couple units down south towards Maseru. From here, it really looks like the Lesotho fleet has been massacred, and with the land army fatigued from the war with Nigeria (btw still no progress), it may be less of a conflict and more like a free game for Malacca.

93: Ger-Gone

Gergovia has fallen to the Vandal fleet, and with one measly embarked musketman left, it’s unlikely that the Gauls will retake the city. Down south, the force tasked to take Bibracte has petered out, and it'll be a little longer until we see the city fall.

94: If you see a Horrid Boat moving from sea, PUSH IT BACK IN!

Lesotho manages to retake both their mainland cities, but it looks like both cities will be the victims of constant flipping. Lesotho does manage to build a useful wonder here though, the Pena Palace, which boosts the effectiveness of defense buildings by 20%.

Maseru meanwhile begins to take damage.

95: A Cold Wind Blowing

Oh now this is spicy!

The Dene and Germany jointly declared war on Punjab, which also brought in Kulin and most importantly, the Chukchi. In short, the Chukchi and the Dene are now at war, fellas.

The Chukchi by far outmatch the Dene in terms of production and military size, though the geography could help Dene minimize the damage they take. This war could easily bring Dene down a peg, but should Big River enter the war, it could possibly be lights out for their chances of winning.

96: Don’t forget about me!

Okay, Kulin still plays an important role, as the Dene still have a couple Pacific colonies, largely undefended and ripe for the taking. Kulin also manages to snag peace with the Chukchi, keeping a hold of their freshly gained South American colony.

Unfortunately, this is the last map slide for this part, so sorry for having to leave you guys on such a big cliffhanger. We still have the religion map to look at though.

97: That’s all Folks!

And with that, we officially end this part here. Some minor skirmishes here and there, the Vandals slowly shredding the Gauls, Trouble in Africa, and ending on a mighty cliffhanger with a war between Chukchi and Dene. This may not have been the most exciting or eventful part, but something tells me Episode 29 is gonna be a banger.

It’s been an honor narrating again, and I’ll see y’all later!

Episode 28: Like a Flood of Pain – S2

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