Civ Battle Royale ← Episode 28: Like a Flood of Pain African Scramble, or The Darkened Continent, or Dial L for Lesotho, or Amazon Prime Shipping, or Vandalized! (or The Episode with Five Names) →
March 30, 2022
LeonardoDaSquishy
All across the Cylinder, bloody wars break out and devilish deals are struck. New alliances are forged as ideologies start coming into play. Who will rise? Who will fall? Things might not always go as you’d expect them to…
Hello and welcome, are you ready for the show? Best grab that ice cream, for you are in for a spicy ride. I’m LeonardoDaSquishy, also known as just Squishy. I usually lurk and creep in the shadows, but finally decided to crawl into the spotlight and put my narrating skills to the test. Been here since Mk.2, hope to stay here much longer. Now, prepare yourselves, as I reveal to you: CBRX2 Episode 29!
Yaampa gives us a closer look at the decision making process of the Dene, when they foolishly handed the Chukchi a sweet, succulent casus belli. Let’s hope this doesn’t affect them too much, I’m sure it won’t.
Coming in clutch is Orangechrisy with the latest entry of Malacca in the Middle. Mansur Shah is back at it again, that rascal! Will his African endeavors prove fruitful? What wacky acts will he commit next? Will Malacca ever get to the corner? You’re about to find out.
Woah, these chaps are truly some excellent folks, investing their time and money just to keep the show moving! Absolutely outstanding lads. Lovely. Awesome. Extraordinary. Exemplary. Want to have strong seed like them? Simply subscribe.
The Chukchi stay winning. Having beaten Northern Yuan into submission and giving us a little tease by briefly declaring war on PARG, they are now back at it with a war against the Dene. Can anyone stop these (not so) chill dudes? Only time can tell.
When arriving on the African east coast in Lesotho, Kulin travelers are greeted with a terrifying sight: A horizon filled with Jongs & galleases. Mansur Shah seeks control of all of the Indian Ocean, which will secure his people a powerful position in the global trade network. While Lesotho’s navy is more technologically advanced, their coastal cities aren’t quite productive enough to pump out a sufficient amount of ironclads to defend the coastline. Combine this with the continued Nigerian attacks on their northern borders, and Moshoeshoe’s chances in this war are looking bleaker by the minute.
Red clashes with white in a conflict which shall determine the future of the Russian people. Lenin’s communist revolution is fueled by the production and determination of the working classes, while the All-Russians seek to protect the traditional Russian state with all that they’ve got. The Soviet army has been struggling to get past the Ural mountains for a while now, getting battered by the elements as well as repeated crossbow fire. Meanwhile, Kolchak, an admiral by heart, has been launching powerful naval assaults on Lenin’s polar cities. However, there’s a cold chill going across his spine, as Chukchi warriors patrol PARG’s eastern borders. Kolchak doesn’t want to admit it, but the white army will not be able to fight effectively in a two-front war. He prays that Lawtiliwadlin sets his sights elsewhere.
The people of Central Asia have seen nothing but death and despair throughout the last couple of centuries. They have been caught up in the middle of the petty feuds of empires, having their homes and lands burned down and being replaced with fortresses and citadels, which then also got burned. Now, through the smoke-filled sky, there finally comes a ray of light in the form of a peace deal between All-Russia and Punjab. They might finally be able to return to their pastures and farms and rebuild. But their anxiety stays, as peace never lasts long on the Cylinder.
Obafemi Awolowo is a man of peace and prosperity, always seeking the best for his people. When he declares war, it is out of necessity, as to prevent other world powers from rising and exploiting the Nigerian people. He saw an existential threat in the Vandal thalassocracy as well as the rising star of Lesotho, which is why he decided to take on both foes at once. However, he bit off more than he could chew, as the Vandal fleet and Lesotho’s advanced land armies were more than Nigeria could handle. He then made the mistake of poking the Latin American giant, losing the valuable coastal city of Onitsha by doing so. Now, as to prevent further losses, he decides that it is time to make peace and focus on internal affairs.
In the music halls of Bibracte, Carl Maria von Weber composes his latest symphony. He realizes that it might be the final song he ever writes. Everyday, he hears news of raids and bombardments on the Gallic overseas territories. City after city falls to the Vandal might, and now those barbarians are starting to encircle the walls of his beloved Bibracte as well. It is almost unimaginable that the once so prosperous and thriving metropole might see its final days under the banner of the golden boar, but alas. The horrors of war come for all.
‘’Lawtiliwadlin, Man-With-The-Neck-Of-A-Bear, destroyer of homes. At the sound of his voice the courage of the strongest fails, and women slay their children so that they may not fall into his hands. His arrows fall like rain.’’ These are the words which echoe all across North America. The Dene tremble in fear upon hearing them, and many families have already fled the cities of K’Agee & Gameti upon hearing the reports of Chukchi warships sailing east. The Chukchi, meanwhile, are encouraged by their leader’s reputation. After all, under his leadership, they have not lost a single war. He is invulnerable, and so are they! The ice will cover all!
Mansur slams his fist on the table. ‘’What?! That coward Awolowo has abandoned his war against Moshoeshoe?! That’s not what we agreed on! You know what, disband the operations against Lesotho, at least they defend their lands with bravery. Set sail to Kananga, we’re gonna teach those Yoruba a lesson!’’ ‘’But sir, we basically had them, and the Red Sea is going to be a pain to invade. What about your ambitions to control the entire Indian Ocean? Don’t you think this is a bit illogical?’’ ‘’Whatever, Madagascar is a fine trophy for now. We can always conquer the rest later. This is about pride, this is about setting an example. We must show the world that the great Shah of Malacca is not to be messed with. Send a message to the Jongs, tell ‘em we have a new target.’’ Thus, Malacca gave up on a bunch of sweet and easy Lesotho cities in exchange for a probable boatgrinder. You gotta do what you gotta do, I guess.
Give them a lick, they taste just like raisins. ‘’What’s that?’’ Wilhelm raises his eyebrows in surprise upon reading the front page of the Berlin times. ‘’Vandal forces are surrounding Bibracte and assaulting Valesia, Gallic surrender is imminent. Experts argue they might be coming for the German people next… Ha, what fools, as if they would ever dare to challenge me, the greatest Kaizer who ever lived. If they dare provoke us, my cavalry will crush them underneath their hooves!’’ Suddenly, his mood changes a bit. ‘’Still, sometimes I have this strange feeling, that I should go on the aggressive a little more, create some lebensraum for the German empire, you know? It’s whatever, though. I just haven’t been feeling very conquest-y ever since my beloved Ferdinand died. I should go and take a ride on my horse, that will make me feel better.’’
Genseric, the great king of the Vandals, transformed his people from an insignificant Germanic tribe to a great Mediterranean empire. In his heart, however, he will always remain a warrior and a raider, seeking coin and pleasure by pillaging the wealthy and weak. Thus, when he heard of the imminent conquest of all of Gaul, he decided it was time to step on the breaks. In a speech to his people, he explained his philosophy: ‘’One cannot take the vandalism out of the Vandal. We rely on other civilizations to raid and pillage, so that we can become rich. Thus, if we fully conquer those civilizations, we lose our source of income. It is therefore better to just weaken them a little, give them a little scare. That’s why I’ve decided to let the Gauls live: So they can rebuild and we can raid them again later! In this manner, we create a sustainable economy!’’ All the attendants cheered.
When they heard of Lenin’s recent adoption of the Communist Manifesto, the Provisional All-Russian Government decided that they should also put their ideals on paper. Thus, on the glorious day that Krasnodar was taken by the white navy, Kolchak announced to the world that he was now pursuing the ideals of fascism! All those who would point out that he had already been kind of a fascist for his entire life, were silenced.
A bummer for Awolowo. He had just made peace with all his foes, and now another shows up in the form of his former ally. Luckily, those Malaccan ships will have trouble getting to any of his cities, as the Gulf of Aden as well as the Red Sea are filled with advanced Nigerian vessels. Suddenly, he remembers something. ‘’Oh shoot, I had just sent a settling expedition to build a city on the Horn of Africa last week, because I thought that would be a pretty location. I hope that won’t cause any trouble…’’
A Kulin explorer has been sent to scout out the lands of the Chukchi. ‘’It is truly terrifying.’’ he writes. ‘’It’s freezing cold out here, but the warriors don’t seem to feel it. Every city is enforced with a well-outfitted garrison, despite the sheer size of the Chukchi empire. Furthermore, the seas are absolutely carpeted with warships, almost like a naval traffic jam. The tales of these people were not exaggerated, and I pray that my homeland of Australia will never have to see their wrath.’’
Peace fully returns to the Middle East, as Genseric decides to call off Vandal raids on Nukus. ‘’We shouldn’t bother them any longer, they’ve been through enough.’’ In response to this noble deed, he is given the Wholesome Award by the Vandal people. Mannerheim, however, isn’t buying it and decides to denounce the snaky king.
Mannerheim was right not to trust Genseric: It seems his real motive for peace was to form a fascist alliance with Kolchak. To seal the deal, Kolchak makes peace with the Gauls, following Genserics example.
Despite his new diplomatic alliance, things aren’t looking so hot for Kolchak. Due to their official adoption of communism, the Soviet Union has entered a Golden Age. Fueled by renewed ambition, the Red Army has upgraded their military, retaken Krasnodar and started to push for Samara once again. Meanwhile, the whites are looking almost medieval, still sporting trebuchets, pikemen and crossbows. If Kolchak doesn’t invest some more into technological advancements, All-Russia will soon become No-Russia.
Already, the Frozen Tide washes ashore upon Dene lands, taking Gani Kue & K’Agee in the blink of an eye. Counterintuitively, the frozen fellas have decided to put fire to their new conquests. Perhaps even their cold hearts need a bit of warming from time to time.
The Soviets seem to really be doing it this time! Already, their swift horsemen are shooting at the walls of Samara, with more troops to come. The Red Army is really investing in upgrading their weaponry: While a few musketmen still walk the lands, the first riflemen are already appearing. With just a little more artillery, they might be able to really turn the tide of this war.
An All-Russian explorer lands on the Horn of Africa, to test his hypothesis that levels of horniness in people are affected by the horniness of the place they live in. To his frustration, he cannot measure a significant effect. Rather than that, he measures a high concentration of Jong in close proximity. ‘’Maybe I should write my research on that.’’ he ponders.
Geopolitical tensions rise in the South China Sea, as Lawtiliwadlin denounces the Malaccan government. Mansur Shah isn’t too worried: ‘’You may not like it, but the Jong is the perfect warship. The Chukchi could never touch that. No matter what scientists may say, no better ship will ever be invented. All those tales about a mysterious underwater ship laying in the Arctic circle are obvious fantasy too. Could you imagine that, an underwater ship? How could it sail without wind? Ridiculous.’’
One man’s loss is another man’s gain. After the Chukchi burned the city down, an opportunistic Dene settler seeks to establish a new settlement on the ruins of K’Agee. The settler hopes that the Chukchi will not go out of their way to attack a young and small community, but knowing their cruelty, it seems unlikely. The city of Gameti is also occupied by the icy navy. The citizens can count themselves relatively lucky, as Lawtiliwadlin decides that this place is worth keeping around.
The Punjabi lands are looking somewhat dystopian: Between the gray peaks of the Himalayan mountains lie dozens of fortresses, which are guarded by menacing artillery battalions. However, the Sikhs who inhabit these lands don’t seem to mind. In fact, Ranjit Singh leads his people into a new Golden Age, increasing wealth, production and cultural outbursts all across his holy empire. It remains to be seen if this period will actually help the Sikhs in the long run though, as Punjab is surrounded by powerful neighbors who would surely love to take a bite of that juicy orange someday.
The homie Alberti has completed his list of the mostest literate nations in the world, and is proud to present it to the people of the sub. Turns out that having a whole jungle-filled continent to oneself and barely any wars to focus one’s production on helps to greatly boost technological efforts within one’s empire. Nigeria being in second place is hardly surprising too, as Awolowo is known to facilitate an excellent educational environment for his people. The Punjabi are also going strong - it seems the Sikh scientists are profiting from the current Golden Age of Punjab.
The people of Samara wave the red flag (not the white one, that would be offensive) and open the gates to let the Soviet soldiers in. ‘’It was surprisingly easy’’ writes the commander of the Red Cavalry Regiment. ‘’Barely any resistance. We just shot a few rounds with our cannons, and the defenders surrendered. The rest of the war is looking promising as well. Bar the occasional caravan, the Siberian plains look very empty. My men cheer, as they can already see the skylines of Namangan and Omsk on the horizon. Victory over the whites comes closer by the minute. For Marx, Lenin & the motherland! Glory to the revolution!’’ In a panicked frenzy, Kolchak sends Ma Hushan, one of his most esteemed strategists, to the frontline. But remember this, kids: A general without an army is like a fish without gills - he won’t be doing much anytime soon.
During times of prosperity, one can focus on the good things in life. Ranjit Singh, who has grown tired of the busy city life in Lahore, now dreams of a secluded yet luxurious life in the mountains. Immediately, he orders his workers to start constructing a summer residence for him and his family in the peaks of the Himalayas. ‘’Oh, and make it in the style of those German castles in which my good enemy Wilhelm likes to dwell. They always give off such a romantic aura, I simply múst have one for myself.’’
To no one’s surprise, Kaiser Wilhelm has taken a liking to the fascist way of doing things. In an interview with the Berlin Times, Wilhelm explains his choice: ‘’I just love dictatorial power, forcible suppression of opposition, and strong regimentation of society and the economy, you know? It really speaks to me.’’ The adoption of fascism by the German empire does have significant geopolitical effects, as this makes Germany an ideological ally of PARG and an opponent of the Soviet Union. If Wilhelm ever decides to help out his All-Russian brethren, things could get very interesting…
The opportunistic Dene settler proudly plants his flag on the shores of the Canadian west coast. ‘’I shall call this settlement K’Agee, in honor of those who lived here before.’’ Suddenly, he feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s an officer of the Chukchi navy, who demands that he gives himself over to the government in Kagyrgyn. With his dreams crushed, the settler is shackled and sent to a gulag in Siberia. Further along the coast, Chukchi frigates are bombarding Ciudad Victoria. Their land forces are still far behind though, allowing the battered city to stay in Dene hands for a while longer. This doesn’t give Thanadelthur a sense of security, however, as Chukchi vessels have also entered the Arctic Ocean, and have started raiding the northernmost Dene cities.
During these times of rapidly rising ideologies, the Tagai religion of the Kulin undergoes a structural reformation. William Barak, not knowing what to do with all the leftover swords from the medieval period, has a brilliant idea: Melt them down and turn them into plowshares! He orders religious figures all across Australia to gather their communities and follow his example. The result is a massive increase in agricultural productivity all across the Kulin lands. Vladimir Lenin sends a letter of admiration to Barak, in which he expresses his hope that William will also add in some hammers and sickles at a later point.
The Punjabi Golden Age brings yet another massive project with it, this time in the form of a grand canal in the city of Gajranwala. A visiting Chukchi explorer raises his eyebrows: ‘’I mean, it is a lovely canal, but is it really necessary? After all, there is a perfectly fine river system next to Gajranwala. Isn’t that enough for trade vessels to sail inland? Who knows, maybe I’m just too Chukchi to understand.’’
Moshoeshoe I is a lucky man and a cunning diplomat. With his dashing tophat and his exaggerated swagger he has been able to talk even his most formidable foes into unlikely peace deals, even putting his former enemies in the form of Malacca and Nigeria against one another. Lesotho isn’t out of the race just yet: Its people are fairly literate and its neighbors distracted. A precise strike during a moment of weakness may allow Moshoeshoe to capture some lovely cities from either of his neighbors. Thus, he just lies back for now, waiting for a moment of opportunity.
The sub is loving it. Endgame is in full swing and CBRX3 voting has just ended, making the audience more excited than ever. The future looks bright. Here’s to Blue Cassette, may we have Civ Battle Royale for eternity!
While Rio Grande sports a powerful land army that could rival any empire on the Cylinder, Antonio Canales Rosillo has neglected investing into his navy. This doesn’t bode well for any potential future conflicts with Marajoara, as the latter have a sizable and advanced navy within the Caribbean. In order to achieve anything, Antonio would have to embark his land units on a trip to Colombia, making them vulnerable to bombardments from both land and water. Thus, he’d better hope to keep the peace for a while longer.
About to cause mass hysteria. The young rapper has seen a massive rise in popularity within Dene lands, spitting rhymes over the sacred drums. He was just touring throughout the Pacific Coast when the Chukchi nation attacked. Because of the ensuing danger, he is currently being escorted back to the capital by a mounted bodyguard. ‘’Whatever.’’ he thinks to himself. ‘’I’ve never fucked with the West Coast anyways. Can’t exactly tell why, though.’’
As the Soviets invade, All-Russia falls into a state of cultural crisis. Prophets emerge in the south, preaching about Russia’s sins and the end of times. Kolchak forbids these religious outbursts, but has too few men available to actually repress them.
It hasn’t been too long since the Gallic wars, but Genseric is already thirsting for gold again. With his newfound fascist brethren to his north and east, he only sees one potential raiding target: The Nigerian lands to the south. He orders his men to take up their arms and cross the border, believing that victory will once again be his. However, Baba Awolowo saw this coming. Before the declaration of war, he ordered his generals to fill the Sahara desert with cavalry regiments. Now, the sounds of thousands of hooves can be heard, as cavalry swiftly storm the cities of Cirta & Catina. The latter is already being besieged from multiple sides, as field cannons fire at its walls. This is a gamble for Awolowo, as his cavalry will be weaker than the Vandal riflemen in the long run. He therefore hopes to quickly capture some cities and force a panicked Genseric into a peace deal.
As wise as Awolowo may be, his decision to give away Kananga in exchange for peace with Malacca is a questionable one. After all, his empire wasn’t in any imminent danger from the Jong fleet. Mansur, meanwhile, does a little dance around his table. ‘’That’ll teach them, that’ll teach them! I told you we would get to the Red Sea, now look at this lovely city we’ve got! Much better than any of Lesotho’s ugly coastal cities. Stupid advisors, always doubting my every decision. This should teach you to have some respect for the great Shah of Malacca!’’ His advisors sigh and exit the room, leaving the man to his self-centered frolicking.
Nigerian cavalry further surround Catina, while the Vandals struggle to get to the city in time. Genseric made a bit of a miscalculation, as Nigeria has barely any coastal cities for the massive Vandal fleet to capture. Meanwhile, the Vandal land army isn't much to write home about. However, if his fleet were to sail around West Africa and directly assault Lagos, the loot would most definitely be plentiful.
The grand cavalry charge continues, and Cirta is fully surrounded. This city will be hard for the Nigerians to occupy in the long term, as dozens of Vandal ships lie waiting in the Mediterranean Sea, ready to strike upon any unsuspecting Yoruba. Awolowo has lost the war between land and sea before to the Vandals, so he'd better have a plan to properly secure the coast this time.
A Nigerian cavalry commander slams his horse into the gates of Catina. “We're almost there, boys! Just a little more horsepower! Make Babalawo proud!” Awolowo, hearing the positive tidings from the frontlines, orders for a lovely holiday resort to be constructed for his men, so they can do a bit of relaxing at the beach once all the fighting is over. It’s totally not a dystopian totalitarian megaproject or anything.
The Red Army commanders have decided to reinforce and regroup at Samara, planning their next course of attack. Wilhelm, after signing the official pact of Fascism suddenly feels a deep disgust towards the Soviet advancements on his all-white All-Russian buddies, and announces to the world that Lenin can go suckle on his bratwurst.
A great depression falls upon the Dene nation as their losses to the Chukchi keep piling up. While cannon fire rains upon Ciudad Victoria and the Ice Sheet Fleet moves toward Liidli Kue, High Priestess Thanadelthur desperately raises her arms to the heavens, wondering what the Dene people might have done to cause such great anger amongst the gods, that they unleashed these devils from the Bering Strait upon their homeland. The sacred drum still sounds, but do they even hear it anymore?
The Nigerian blitz attack has been fairly successful so far, as the flag of the Great Green Horse is raised above both Catina & Cirta. Awolowo now pulls yet another card from his sleeve, as a fresh army arrives from the Arabian Peninsula, ready to besiege Port Harcourt. This city is essential for both Nigeria and the Vandals, as whoever holds it has full control over the Harcourt Canal. Despite his initial successes, Awolowo isn’t out of the woods (or in this case, the sands) just yet. Vandal troops are landing in the Western Sahara, attempting to recapture their beloved Catina, while advanced Lesotho infantry units patrol the borders of the two green nations. If cheeky Moshoeshoe were to stick a knife in his northern neighbor’s back right now, it would likely mean the fall of Nigeria.
The Fascist Book Club is becoming very popular amongst the leaders of the Cylinder, as even Antonio Canales Rosillo has decided to join. Adopting this ideology allows his grand republic to rise even higher above his northern neighbors, whose lands look submissive and capturable. If Rosillo wants to secure a future for his men, he’d better declare war at this very moment, before the Chukchi have gobbled up all the available land and the Marajoara become too technologically advanced.
As the war in North Africa rages on, Rosillo reveals his latest passion project. The finest masons of Rio Grande have transformed a mountain in such a manner, that it now bears the liking of the four greatest presidents in the history of Rio Grande: Antonio, Antonio, Antonio and Antonio. The other world leaders clap reluctantly, as they cannot deny the brilliance of this work, while simultaneously despising the egocentric nature of the artist.
Vladimir Lenin can’t sleep. His mind keeps wandering to the frontlines in Samara, where whites are painted red, and reds are turning white. ‘’Is this what Marx wanted?’’ he ponders. ‘’What if babushka was here to see this, what would she think of me?’’ In a wave of emotion, he launches himself out of bed. ‘’ Stop the cannons! Start the presses! It’s time to put an end to this meaningless bloodshed!’’ Upon hearing the news, the All-Russians cheer and dance, as they can finally return to their families and think of the future again.
In a world of endless war, neutrality is no longer an option. For the past century, the people of Andachkhrob have peacefully tended to their farms, trying to be as silent as possible. Sadly for them, Rosillo was in the mood for doing a bit of target practice today. Upon hearing of this cruel act, human rights organizations cause a major outcry throughout the republic. In a speech to the public, Antonio justifies his actions: ‘’What I’m doing is not a crime against humanity, in any shape or form. Just look at the map. It says right here: Neutral territory. That means no one lives there and you’re free to do whatever you want. All these claims against me are just screams for attention. I shall have you all arrested for defamation!’’
There’s no slowing down for the Nigerian army, as their world-renowned Green Horse regiment surrounds the fortified city of Bulla Regia. The siege of Port Harcourt is also going steady. Will the Vandal navy be able to push back against the Nigerian might, or will Genseric’s greed become the death of his empire?
Considering his blossoming pen pal relationship with Lenin, it was only a matter of time until William Barak would officially adopt communism as his national ideology. Rural Australia cheers, as the farms around Uluru grow like never before. The single landowner on Tasmania raises the sickle and hammer above his humble farmhouse. Truly, communism is the future!
Ranjit Singh, a self-proclaimed humanitarian and philanthropist, simply cannot stand for the inhumane deeds committed by the Great River Army. He denounces Rosillo in front of the world congress, proclaiming: ‘’It’s only morally just when I do it!’’ Rosillo, however, cannot hear the Sikh emperor over the sounds of the artillery fire.
Tired of his own merriment, Mansur Shah falls back into his throne. “Right, where were we again? Oh yeah, taking over the East African coast. Call in the Jongs, we have some fighting to do!’’ Moshoeshoe, meanwhile, has been upgrading his standing army, but largely neglected his navy. He had initially hoped to reap the benefits of a prolonged fight between his two neighbors, but now his people will have to defend themselves with tooth and nail. His only comfort is the fact that Jongs are starting to become a bit outdated, but it seems that the Shah’s admirals have been so wise as to invest in some more modern ships as well. Things might get ugly for the tophat chap.
As pompous as Mansur may be, his pride is not without base. He has managed to transform a fairly insignificant sultanate into a sprawling empire, spanning from Borneo to Madagascar. His land army may not be the biggest, and his navy not the most modern, but he has heart, and that’s what counts.
The Nigerian assault is starting to lose steam. While the remaining Vandal rebels have been driven out of Catina, the assault on Bulla Regia is slowing down, as the green army is shrinking significantly. Unless Awolowo has a final trump card, it seems unlikely that his men will get much further than this.
Old Tsouharissen sits on a log on top of a green hill, overlooking Andachkhrob. He gazes down, upon the surprised soldiers in pink garments, walking through the ruined walls of the city. On the foot of another hill, he sees a band of his own people, plotting to launch a final attack on the foreign invaders. They know they won’t win. He sighs. He was a warrior like them, once upon a time. He too would have fought, once upon a time. He looks up at the evening sun. ‘’Did I lead my people well?’’ he ponders. ‘’Did I try hard enough? Was I but a fool, to try and live a quiet life?’’ He sighs, and closes his eyes. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over.
Antonio isn’t feeling very melancholic at all. ‘’Nice going boys, what a proper shot that was! And who would have guessed there would just so happen to be an ancient city of some forgotten nation there? Not me, that’s for sure! Now, where should we go next? How about that island over there? The only people that live there are some good-for-nothing pirates. Let’s teach those scallywags a lesson!’’ With those words, Rio Grande casually declared war on the Vandal Kingdom.
Tensions rise in Andijan, as protesters take to the streets to demand better labor conditions for Uzbek workers. Ranjit Singh is not amused: ‘’Goodness me, they’re ruining my reputation as a humanitarian. What should I do to make them shut up?’’ A Sikh advisor steps forward, stroking his beard. ‘’My lord, how about we give in to their demands? It will greatly strengthen you reputation and send a message of love to the world.’’ Ranjit shakes his head. ‘’No, I have a better idea. Let someone else deal with this mess. Do we have anyone with whom we are at war? Ah yes, the symbolic conflict with Germany. Send Kaiser Wilhelm a letter, and attach to it the rights to Andijan. Let’s what those ‘beki boys will have to say about that!’’
Upon reading the reports from the battle at Mohale’s Hoek, Mansur Shah bursts into tears. ‘’Why?! A privateer, even an ironclad?! Why must you abandon the ways of the glorious Jong? Have you forgotten how it has led our empire to such great achievements? You break my heart!’’ ‘’But sir, it’s highly effective, the city of Mohale’s Hoek is basically ours!’’ ‘’Have you no respect? Have you no culture? Get out of my sight, before I feed you to the Chukchi!’’ His advisors sigh and exit the room again, this time leaving a sobbing Shah behind.
In the freezing waters of the Arctic Ocean, the Chukchi admirals feel perfectly at home. Their sturdy ships easily navigate between the icebergs, capturing city after city on the way. Not a moment do they doubt their chances of victory. After all, every fallen comrade will only strengthen the morale of the troops, and every Dene slain means new land for the Chukchi. Through this code of conduct, the ice shall cover North America, and eventually the entire Cylinder!
Awolowo's cavalry frenzy doesn't seem to have had its intended effect of scaring king Genseric. While most of the Nigerian army has perished while trying to secure the coast of North Africa, fresh Vandal troops are still streaming into the sand dunes of the Sahara. Cirta has already been recaptured, and Catina is next on the menu. In his palace outside of Hippo Regius, Genseric entertains himself with a private concert by Jackie Wilson, who sings his latest blues hit: 'Your Loot Keeps Lifting Me Higher'. He leans back and takes a bite out of his sandwich. “Everything according to keikaku.”
While the ironclad may not be as charming as a traditional wooden Jong, it does get the job done. Mohale's Hoek was an easy little corner city to take, and now Malaccan vessels have moved on to clash with Lesotho’s navy off the coast of Maseru. While Lesotho is a bit lacking on water, they have employed some advanced infantry, who are pretty great at war. This whole operation may prove trickier than the Shah expected…
While the Chukchi forces are much more powerful and numerous, the Dene do have one big advantage in this war: The dense mountain ranges of western Canada, which act as a natural barrier. Experienced Dene warriors, knowing every corner and crevice, lure unsuspecting Chukchi into dead ends, just to shoot them in the back. The best shot for the icey lads is to get a hold of Behchoko and launch an inland invasion from there. But they can’t count the Dene out just yet: Their cannons still fire back, whilst their troops chant the songs of their forefathers, praying for a miraculous turning point in this war.
In a shocking turn of events, the Vandals, the original aggressors in the great Saharan War, have actually started going on the offensive. While the Nigerian army may still be able to briefly take over control of Port Harcourt, their attacks have been repulsed everywhere else. Now, enthusiastic marauders have started moving on Catina & Ibadan. In a last ditch effort, Awolowo hires the Iberian general Hernan Cortez into his ranks, hoping that he may be able to pull off some clutch victories. Cortez isn’t very optimistic: ‘’I can only pull off a win with such a small army when my opponents are at a major technological disadvantage as well as highly vulnerable to diseases, so I don’t quite understand what you expect me to do here.’’
In Berlin, Kaiser Wilhelm watches in awe, as renowned fruit merchant Steve Jobs presents his wares. “This apple is very compact: Small, yet full of flavor. Its size allows it to perfectly fit inside your pocket. And look at that skin: You won't find such a shining red anywhere else, not even on the bloody battlefields of North Africa.” Wilhelm claps enthusiastically. “What a fantastic product, mister Jobs. Never have I seen such fine apples in my life, you've truly outdone yourself this time. Servants, call in the chef! From now on, my royal tongue shall only tolerate these refined fruits, even if they do cost four times the regular market price!”
Do you ever feel all alone while surrounded by crowds of people? Soviet Scout knows that feeling. Stranded on Hokkaido and surrounded by hungry Chukchi boats, he doesn't know where to go. He wishes that he could put his hands together and pray for a way out, but as a true communist and follower of the state, he has long renounced the ways of god and scripture. Resorting to theology now would make him a hypocrite and a traitor. He sighs. ‘’It isn’t pretty, but I guess I’ll just have to stay in this place for a while.’’ Keep it up, Soviet Scout! Acceptance is the first step.
It doesn’t seem like our boy Antonio knew entirely what he was getting himself into, when he decided to embark on a mission to clear Lutetia from its Vandal occupants. Genseric had been aching for an opportunity to put his massive fleet to use, and is now launching a large-scale offensive on the East Coast of North America. ‘’It just feels right, it feels natural.’’ he tells his advisors. ‘’It feels like I have done this in a past life, or something.’’ Even more embarrassing for the Grand River Republic is the fact that some local Lutetian pirates have actually started taking the offense against them, and are likely to take over the recently captured Andachkhrob. These Vandilii sure love flipping things on their heads, don’t they?
Things have now fully turned around in North Africa. Port Harcourt never fell and Catina has been retaken by Vandal counter-cavalry. Now, Genseric has set his sights on the city of Ibadan, an important regional exporter of gold. The siege of the city has been quite effective so far, and Nigeria’s cuirassiers and field guns will have a hard time dealing with the incoming riflemen. Awolowo, in his infinite wisdom, should really start pushing negotiations with the Vandal king at this point, lest his empire end up as another Gaul.
‘’Teehee, just kidding. Just wanted to scare you a little bit, that’s all.’’ Rosillo is baffled upon hearing the words of the Vandal envoy. ‘’These are the words which my king wanted me to convey to you, oh great president. He would like to make peace with the Republic of Rio Grande right this moment, and apologizes if he scared you a little too much. He doesn’t desire any of your cities; after all, it was just a little jest. Good day to you, and may your loot be plentiful.’’
Good generals are hard to come by these days, so Thanadelthur has resorted to recruiting some amateurs to lead her troops into battle. One of them is David, an industrious farmer from the state of Georgia. Within his family, he is referred to as David IV, as his father’s name was also David, as were his grandfather’s and his great grandfather’s. What David may be lacking in experience, he makes up for in heart and bravery: Despite being from neighboring Rio Grande, he is prepared to defend the Dene with all that he’s got. I think I can speak for the entire sub when I say: We’re all cheering for David.
Wilhelm shakes his head in dissatisfaction. ‘’That clown Genseric has no respect for the fine art of war. No persistence, no tenacity. As his fascist ally and superior, I must set an example for him, so he too can learn how to fight wars properly. Call up the garrison in Hannover! We will show the world how to fight Rio Grande!’’. The people of Hannover are not quite as excited as their Kaiser, as he has essentially thrown them to the sharks, with no reinforcements on the way. They only have one hope left: The seas around Hannover are said to be cursed, as many naval vessels have mysteriously disappeared there throughout the centuries. The locals believe this to be the doing of an ancient god who is said to lie sleeping on the bottom of the ocean. As Rio Grande’s navy sets sail towards the island, local fishermen start holding strange rituals, hoping for the old god to awaken from his slumber and consume the unsuspecting invaders. A strange feeling of terror hangs in the air… nothing good can come of this.
In their time of need, the people of the Dene nation band together. Dene scholars have renewed interest in their nation’s history, and the people once again start appreciating the ways of their ancestors. In an ancient ritual, Thanadelthur is initiated as ‘’the mother of the nation’’, whom all shall follow, even into death. Lawtiliwadlin laughs at this cultural rebirth. ‘’Let them. It’s futile. Our boots shall crush their bones, and the sounds of our voices shall destroy their spirits. Fight on, my warriors! Our victory is certain!’’
On this day, the inevitable happened. For a while, the Marajoara have kept to themselves, focussing on growing their population and building up their infrastructure. Now that her nation is well-developed and full of energy, queen P’küee decides that the time is ripe to reignite the conflict between North and South America. Her people cheer upon hearing the decision, having such confidence that the war will end up in favor of their nation that they preemptively dub their queen ‘’Warlord the Conqueror’’. William Barak decides to join in, hoping to build good relations with the warlord queen. However, Antonio Manuel Rosillo had anticipated that this moment would come one day, and has therefore also been building up his military. Already, his navy is preparing to attack the Colombian coast. Whatever the outcome may be, this war is certain to get bloody.
Seems like the rose-colored story of cultural unity was mostly a construction by the Dene government, rather than an ideology with strong support among the Dene population. Violent protests break out in the capital of Somba K’e and Thanadelthur is dragged out of her palace by an angry mob. ‘’Fuck nationalism, we just want a cold, harsh dictator!’’ the crowd screams. The High Priestess pulls herself together. ‘’You want me to oppress you? Step on you a little? Sure, let me see what I can do for you. Guards! Arrest all these people, preferably with a bit of unnecessary violence! Let them rot in jail!’’ As the protesters get beaten up and chained together, tears of joy roll over their faces. Their wishes have come true.
Nigeria is now officially losing the Saharan war. Ibadan has fallen to the Vandals’ greedy hands, and the cream army is now marching on Kano and Abuja. Miraculously, Cirta still waves the green flag, but this is unlikely to last for much longer, as the Vandals are surrounding the city both by land and sea. Unless a third party intervenes or Genseric applies his philosophy of sustainable raiding again, Nigeria might very well become history soon.
Marajoara and the Vandals have a rocky history, filled with plenty of small-scale skirmishes and annoyances. Therefore, upon the outbreak of war in the Americas, Genseric choses to side with Rio Grande and announces to the world that P’küee’s actions are despicable. P’küee is not entertained: ‘’You talk a lot of shit for a man who has an unprotected city literally surrounded by my empire.’’ Hannover, meanwhile, has finally received some help, but not by the Kaiser. A Marajoara fleet has arrived to protect the city, as it is an important port from which to attack the Rio east coast. The locals welcome the South Americans as their saviors. The Marajoara themselves are not so pleased, as the locals have a nasty, fishy odor about them. Best not to get too involved.
A major breakthrough has occurred: Vandal ships have been granted temporary passage through the waters around Onitsha and have now reached Lagos, the beating heart of Nigeria! This is the pearl of Africa and one of the most populous cities of the Cylinder. Conquering this city would mean the loss of tens of millions of lives. Sadly, king Genseric only considers the immense material wealth which lies within the city. With the taste of gold still fresh on his tongue, he orders his men to set up their cannons. It’s time for the ultimate vandalizing.
A Finnish expedition closes in on the warfront at Mohale’s Hoek, desperately looking for an opportunity to settle a new colony for their country. For the last couple of years, the Finns have been brutally repressed by the Soviet government, as all of their rural land has been replaced with Soviet citadels. Finland is still autonomous on paper, but with one snap of Lenin’s finger, the Finns will be wiped out in seconds. Therefore, Mannerheim has given the orders to establish a hideout far away from Scandinavia, in which his people might continue to live. Sadly, all the land has been taken, which means the only chances for settlement are in the burned-down ruins of battered-down cities. If such an opportunity arrives, the Finns have to act fast, as every single grain of sand on the Cylinder is highly contested.
Things are getting tense in crowded ol’ Europe, as the relationship between Germany and the Gauls sours. A potential war between the two might trigger an explosion, as Lenin has also been eyeing the continent for a while now and is not on the best terms with Wilhelm. Add in the Vandal chaos factor, and things might get real spicy real soon…
One drunken night, an intoxicated Nigerian corporal stumbles out of a bar in Kano. He is looking for the stables, for he needs a mount to ride to Lagos. In his faded state, he trips and falls backwards into the mud. Suddenly, he hears a voice. ‘’What’s up mate? Need a ride?’’ When he opens his eyes, he sees a horse standing over him, staring at him with a quizzical look. ‘’Wait, who said that?’’ The general lifts himself up and looks around. The streets are empty. He looks at the horse with a stunned expression. ‘’Did you just speak to me? It must have been you! Answer me!’’ The horse nods its head a little. The following morning, the corporal describes the events to his superiors in Lagos. They all laugh, but then Awolowo steps in. ‘’This is no laughing matter, that must have been the incarnation of the great primordial horse, depicted on our flag! Send word to Kano, I want that noble steed to gain a major rank immediately! His wisdom will help us win this war!’’ Reluctantly, his generals do what he says, shaking their heads at how deep Awolowo has sunk due to the extreme pressures of war.
In just a couple of years, the Rio navy has been heavily toned down in size by combined Kulin & Marajoara attacks. Meanwhile, Rio Grande’s land army isn’t looking much better, as they’re employing lancers to fight great war infantry in Central America, with regular infantry even being on the way for the Marajoara. While the Marajoara aren’t looking too dominant in terms of numbers, their scientific advancement is clearly on a higher level, meaning that a drawn out war would almost certainly be in their favor. Antonio Manuel Rosillo had better start flexing those diplomatic muscles, before things go bad. The inhabitants of the Republic of Rio Grande are so unimpressed by Rosillo’s wartime leadership, that they dub him ‘’the terrible’’. Upon hearing of this, Rosillo becomes furious, but his rage cools down again after his advisors assure him that it is a ‘commemoration’ and ‘a respectful tribute’.
Lesotho is holding steady, having set up a powerful network of defenders on their east coast. In theory, Malacca has more than enough ships to completely flood Africa’s coastline, but Mansur Shah refuses to send large quantities towards Madagascar. ‘’If those idiot admirals can’t even win with the amount of ships that they currently have, they are not worthy of commanding my beautiful royal fleet. Let them prove themselves first, then I’ll think about it.’’ The advisors of the Shah don’t even bother anymore, and just leave the room preemptively. Still, the Malaccan navy does have an advantage, as Moshoeshoe’s boats are starting to suffer from a strange virus, which biologists dub ‘’BigCarrier’’. Nobody knows what the long term effects of the disease are, but experts fear a significant decrease in naval effectiveness. More on this later.
As expected, the crazy horse was not able to prevent Kano from being captured. When the city was taken, Vandal soldiers slaughtered the horse and ground it into meatballs, as to lower the morale amongst the Nigerian troops. In response, angry troops of cuirassiers surround the city, ready to avenge their fallen general. However, their focus should probably be on defending Lagos, as its walls are already crumbling. If Awolowo wants to prevent the upcoming humanitarian catastrophe from happening, he’ll have to start evacuating the Lagotian citizens quickly!
The war between the North and South is surprisingly even so far, with both empires not really making any real progress in terms of conquest. The Marajoara have, with a little help from Germany, managed to destroy all Rio ships off the North American east coast. Sadly for them, a lost Vandal fleet is blocking the way, preventing any potential attacks on Rio’s coastal cities from happening. The citizens of both nations begin to wonder: Will all this bloodshed even have a point in the end?
In a daring operation, German officials order the construction of a belt of citadels deep into the Soviet Baltics, cutting off Nizhniy Novgorod from the rest of the Union. This newly acquired land could prove instrumental in a potential Soviet-German war, as it would allow for a swift attack on Moscow. Lenin curses the Germans for their brash behavior, but Wilhelm justifies his actions: ‘’These lands have historically belonged to our Teutonic ancestors, and have since been stolen by the greedy Russian. It’s only right that we take it back, and we did so with no violence being involved at that. Clearly, what happened on this day is just, not just for the Germanic people, but for the world.’’
For the first time ever, GeneralCon is being held in Punjabi territory! Great generals from all over the Cylinder flock to Gajranwala to discuss their histories, tactics and strategies, so as to inspire and entertain one another! Right now, hailing from the lands once known as Taiping, we have commander Chiang Kai Shek. Let’s hear what he has to say! ‘’The key to a successful army is the purity of its ideology. Political dissidents, like the communist dog, will only weaken the morale and sabotage an army’s effectiveness. It is therefore of the utmost importance that such enemies of the state be driven out as swiftly as possible, by any means necessary!’’ Upon hearing these words, many attendees start cheering enthusiastically, but some of the Kulin and Soviet generals seem less excited. One has to wonder why…
Next up is Napoleon Bonaparte! This renowned general from the lands of Gaul is such a natural leader, that one wonders why he has never ruled his own empire. Perhaps in a past life! Now let’s be silent, Napoleon is going to speak. ‘’The people of the world should put their faith in the strong and gifted, not blindly submit their freedoms to anyone who just so happened to be born into a specific bloodline! Even a peasant or an outsider should be able to become a leader, as long as they prove themselves on the battlefield! Let the worthy be kings, and dethrone the weak! That’s how the world should be ruled!’’ This time, the Kulin and Soviet generals seem quite touched, but many of the other commanders look the other way. Once again, one has to wonder why…
Lawtiliwadlin is becoming quite frustrated. ‘’How could this be, our military might is so much greater than the Dene’s, yet we barely have any results to show for it! I can see it in the enemy’s eyes: My warriors terrify those cowardly Dene. So why do they still resist so heavily, why do they not let their guns fall to the ground in pure terror?! Why do they still march upon my armies, knowing full well that it is futile in the end?! Argh, this baseless tenacity is such a pain!’’ On this day, the Chukchi have learned a valuable lesson: Even if you’re stronger than your opponent, you still have to put in the effort to actually defeat them. Even the greatest powers in the world won’t get results without trying. Let this serve as a wholesome lesson to the youth all across the Cylinder.
Before the coast of Lagos lies a mighty vandal fleet, commanded by Calonymus of Alexandria. Formerly an enemy of the Vandal kingdom, Calonymus was taken into captivity after a failed Egyptian uprising against the Vandal state. King Genseric, however, recognized the Alexandrian’s skilled leadership on the open seas, and offered him a position in his own fleet. This decision turned out to be a wise one, as Calonymus quickly rose in the Vandal ranks and is now about to lead the Vandal fleet into perhaps their biggest victory ever: The capture of Lagos. If he manages to have one of his own ships capture the city, his name will surely be remembered for all eternity!
Lawtiliwadlin plants his mighty spear in the ground in front of the High Priestess. “I'm tired of this endless back and forth, so I've come to negotiate. How about you just give me your empire, and nobody gets hurt. How does that sound?” Thanadelthur looks down at the ground, trembling in the presence of the man before her. “Actually… all of it is a little much. Would you maybe be satisfied with half of it?” The Chukchi warlord grunts in displeasure, but ultimately gives in: “I don’t have time for this. Fine, half it is. But heed my words: War will certainly come to your lands again. Your people will never be able to sleep soundly again, knowing that the Dene empire has gone from a powerful bear to a helpless fawn, a prey item to the nations of the world. Go then, back to your people, prepare yourselves for the inevitable.” The Dene councilors shiver at the words of the mighty Chukchi. Thanadelthur starts tearing up. She knows he speaks the truth. The Dene people’s best days are in the past.
In a camp outside of Lagos, Genseric and his generals are preemptively celebrating their capture of the Nigerian capital, when they are suddenly interrupted by a man on horseback. The stranger jumps off his mount and throws himself to the ground. It’s Awolowo himself, draped in gray robes. ‘’Please, king Genseric, spare the city of Lagos. My people have been through enough, and it is clear that we will not be able to hold the walls much longer. I see the looks in the eyes of your Vandals, oh king, and I shiver at the thought of the unspeakable acts that they will commit within my beloved city. So I beg you, please spare Lagos. I’ll give you anything I own!’’ Genseric’s eyes start shining, and a broad smile appears on his face. ‘’Anything, you say?’’ On that day, the city of Lagos was spared by the benevolent Genseric. Also on that day, the once mighty Nigerian empire was reduced to a mere city state.
One might not believe it, but the Chukchi have managed to turn their snow and tundra-based empire into a manufacturing powerhouse. When it comes to productivity, no empire on the Cylinder is even close to the Bering Bois, with the constantly expanding Vandals and the jungle juggernaut Marajoara in second and third place respectively. Doesn’t Lawtiliwadlin know that close competition creates a healthy business environment?
Some truly shocking results, as it turns out that the Chukchi also have the strongest military in the world. At least the numbers are a little closer here: On paper, a grand coalition war against the Chukchi should be able to take them down a notch. Their fearsome reputation, excellent production and amazing strategic position on the map will almost certainly mean that such a thing never actually happens, though. The only hope left for the other leaders of the Cylinder is that Lawtiliwadlin goes into a long hibernation, giving other empires the chance to rise in power. If not, they’d better be prepared for a global cooling event…
That’s all, folks. As you gaze upon the geographical spread of religions around the world, I want to thank you all for reading this episode. It sure was something, with all those bizarre twists and turns. Hopefully my strange fantasies about the lore of the Cylinder sufficiently entertained you, as it certainly was a lot of fun to come up with them. Anyways, time for some cliché life advice to end things off with. Live laugh love. Goodbye.