Civ Battle Royale April 20, 2022
NopeCopter
Devastating wars continue to heat up the cylinder as the stage begins to be set for the endgame. Things go about how you’d expect them to, except for when they don’t.
Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of the CBRX Season 2! I’m u/daXfactorz, also known as NopeCopter, and I’ll be your narrator this time around. Thank you all for your patience with the delay in this episode’s release - hopefully the wait will be well worth it.
Before we begin today, I’d just like to take a moment to thank everyone who helped keep our little build on r/place alive! I was unfortunately preoccupied at the time, but it was a joy to watch so many people band together to defend the happysperm.
Massive thanks to all the other communities who helped us out, too, including but not limited to: r/CivHybridGames, r/civAIgames, the Legacy, the nerd hive, r/CivModdingCentral, and our allies such as r/PixelDungeon, r/Parahumans, r/tokipona, r/taiwan, r/bulgaria, r/Catalyuna, r/Touhou, Potato McWhiskey and everyone working with him, various members of r/civ5, and the Bastion fans that showed up to help. It wouldn’t have been possible without you!
https://www.reddit.com/r/civbattleroyale/comments/txag04/a_poorly_received_flex_in_4_parts/
Comics are always one of my favorite types of OC, and this one by u/yaampa showing just what Rio Grande did to piss off all their neighbors is no exception! Poor Rosillo, I think it’s a pretty neat sculpture.
As always, a massive thank you to everyone supporting Blue Cassette on Ko-Fi! Your donations help keep the game alive. If you’re interested in some rewards and have a bit of money to spare, I’d highly recommend donating, too!
Once again, the Chukchi unanimously take the top spot in the Power Rankings as Lawtiliwadlin continues to rip through the continent! Will the events of this episode bring the Chukchi down from their unchallenged dominance? Probably not, but who knows.
We begin this episode with a look at the lands of P’kuee, the buck-naked self-proclaimed “Conqueror” of South America. The Marajoara have been a nomadic horde for a while now, but apparently that decentralized lifestyle hasn’t helped them much - the Kulin and the Vandals have set up colonies right in South America, and Rio Grande is effortlessly fighting them off in Central America. To solve this issue, P’kuee has forcefully taken over the entire government and transformed herself from a mere warlord to a Communist dictator! To commemorate this, she’s also built the Kremlin, granting 50% extra Production for Armor units like Tanks.
Here’s that war front, by the way. While Marajoara is fielding Cruisers and Ironclads against Rio Grande’s Frigates and Privateers, their navy is also heavily outnumbered (or at least completely out of position). Not only that, but the Vandals are also using their ships to hinder Marajoara’s assault on Onguiaahra and Niagara. Marajoara had better get some reinforcements in, or the fleet of Rosillo the Terrible could potentially take Michillimakinac!
Just to the west of a Rio Grande-Marajoara naval clash, the cold waters of the Pacific heat up just a bit as King Lawtiliwadlin denounces the Vandals. While this might not seem relevant, the Vandals do have a series of mostly-undefended Pacific colonies ripe for the taking. The Chukchi, on the other hand, have a massive carpet of ships right nearby. If that denunciation becomes a war, the Chukchi could pick up a ton of free (albeit small) cities.
A Jong on the verge of death bombards the Lesothan city of Mohale’s Hoek. Once, these prized ships were everywhere in the Malaccan Merchant Horde’s fleet, but now their time has come to an end. There are only three of them in this screenshot, and none are doing very well. Granted, this is partially because Lesotho is putting up a ridiculously strong defense - both Maseru and Mohale’s Hoek are holding out against the cylinder’s premier naval power, and the Lesothan military is poised to retake Hlotse up north, too! I’m sure that Finnish Settler off the coast is quite impressed.
Up in the arctic, it seems that Germany has been building up quite the respectable secondary base in Greenland. The navy stationed there, while slightly outdated, is quite large and imposing. Scattered between the German cities, however, are settlements of the nomadic Vandal Kingdom, each defended by a small number of advanced units and a few Soviet peacekeepers for good measure. Even with the defenses, these cities seem like they’d be free food for the Germans if they went to war due to the lack of reinforcements… but considering the Vandals have an easy shot at the German core, war seems like a bad idea anyways.
With Marajoara requiring the full attention of the Rio Grande Republican army, Rosillo the Terrible elects to make peace with Germany. The people of Hannover celebrate in the streets for what they see as a miraculous victory against an overwhelming opponent. Those rootin’-tootin’ hooligans never stood a chance!
After essentially being gifted a massive chunk of North America, the Chukchi have done… basically nothing with their new lands. With all their most dangerous enemies being across the ocean, Lawtiliwadlin has focused his production into naval units, leaving his newly-conquered lands empty. High Priestess Thanadelthur the Just could easily attempt to reconquer the lands she’s just handed away, but to her, a deal is a deal - and besides, a war of reconquest would be long, bloody, and weaken her enough that Rio Grande or Germany could easily invade. For now, Thanadelthur bides her time.
Against all odds, the Malaccan invasion of Lesotho continues to stall as Lesotho not only holds the line but recaptures Hlotse as well! Malacca’s navy only has a few weak melee ships remaining on the front lines, with the bulk of the invasion forces now being made up of ranged Frigates. Maybe Malacca shouldn’t have given up on their Jongs quite yet after all. Not far from the conflict, the Finnish Settler makes landfall on the Horn of Africa to congratulate the Lesothan military on their defense.
While the Lesothan front is fairly sparse, the Malaccan core paints a very different picture of the Merchant Horde. Here, Malacca’s naval carpet is as thick as ever, and while the ships around Lesotho are mostly Frigates, back home Malacca is covered with mighty Ironclads and their iconic Jongs. But why would Malacca keep so many ships at home instead of sending them all to crush Lesotho? Simple - look to the top right. The Chukchi have a similarly massive carpet, and while a poor invasion of Lesotho is humiliating, it’s way better than using up their military and being under-equipped to fight off a potential Chukchi invasion.
Even with most of their forces situated elsewhere, though, Malacca isn’t about to give up on their invasion of Lesotho. They’ve abandoned the siege of Maseru in favor of focusing on Mohale’s Hoek and to a lesser extent Hlotse. But Hlotse in particular might be a tough one to capture - it seems that Nigeria of all civs has come to defend the city from Malacca’s invasion! Have the two former rivals of Nigeria and Lesotho made an unlikely alliance to keep foreign influence off the continent?
Here we see the lands of the Soviet People’s Republic, which is very appropriately a Communist state. Lenin’s empire is now fielding its UU, the Levy, which is a weaker but cheaper Great War Infantry replacement that can use enemy roads. Seems like it could be handy against the All-Russians, at least, with their underdeveloped military and abundance of roads.
Even more interesting, though, is the new Great General that Dictator Vladimir Lenin has hired. He’s a mysterious man, claiming to be a deposed former ruler who’s clawed his way back from hell itself to enact revenge on those who wronged him. He’s enlisted in the Soviet military and offered Lenin his talents, under one condition: Lenin must make Marajoara burn. Lenin has agreed to these terms… but of course, he’ll need this strange general’s help to get an Atlantic port, first.
With the power of Simon Bolivar at his side, Lenin finally decides to declare war on Germany, hoping to wipe them off the map once and for all! Unfortunately, though, it doesn’t seem like Lenin has thought this war through. Germany’s long chain of Citadels has let them place a whole load of soldiers right outside Nizhniy Novgorod and Petrograd, while the Soviet military seems to consist mostly of Workers. The Soviet navy is more advanced, but it’s also more spread out, so they’ll have a tough time taking control of the North Sea. Lenin’s only saving grace is the fact that Germany’s cavalry units all have a combat penalty against cities, but even then, this war could easily end up backfiring for the Soviets.
Around the isolated German city of Bremen, Soviet Privateers do battle with the German fleet stationed around the city, also mostly made up of Privateers. This battle will surely go down in history as Gallic, Vandal, and even Kulin troops gather to watch the Iberian Pirate Wars unfold.
Unfortunately for Germany, it seems like their blitzkrieg-style full cavalry charge into Soviet lands may be about to bite them in the ass, because the Vandals have also declared war! Germany only has a couple of coastal cities in Europe for the Vandal navy to attack, but with their entire army currently along the eastern front, the Vandal land forces might be able to capture a couple of cities anyways.
Even with the news of a Vandal invasion from the southern, King Wilhelm II decides that he’s already in too deep to divert forces from the Soviet front - he’d rather crush one foe than spread out his forces and lose to two enemies at once. The German navy will have to hold its own. In the meantime, the German cavalry forces have completely surrounded Petrograd, and they’re putting pressure on Nizhniy Novgorod and even Tsaritsyn. There’s even a Cavalry unit on the gates of Moscow! The Soviet military is small and disorganized, so now it’s a matter of how far the Germans can push before their cavalry runs out of steam and/or the Soviets organize a counter-assault.
Malacca’s invasion of Lesotho is finally seeing a bit more success with the capture of Mohale’s Hoek. Maseru has been taken as well, but the Lesothan military has already surrounded the city and is moments away from retaking it. Lesotho’s forces are seemingly endless, while Malacca is running low on ships in the area - Mansur Shah had better regroup his forces, or he’ll lose Mohale’s Hoek once again.
Vladimir Lenin is absolutely stunned at how, despite having a second ruler on his side, he’s still managing to lose a war to the famously incompetent Germans. Well, it turns out that Simon Bolivar wasn’t the only former CBR competitor to escape the sub. The mighty Trung Vuong - a.k.a. Trung Trac of Mk. 2 Vietnam fame - is now working under the command of Wilhelm II. In fact, at the suggestion of yet another former CBR competitor apparently from the same lands as the Vandals, Wilhelm has decided to hire nine separate Great Generals at once! That’s nice and all, but he’d better not forget to build units for those generals to lead.
The German cavalry continues to surround every city on the German-Soviet border at once, perhaps due to the combined strategic genius of nine generals at once. Lenin isn’t lacking in Great Generals either, though - I count seven in this screenshot alone, including fellow Communist dictator Fidel Castro in the far east. Neither side’s generals have made it to the front lines just yet, but once they do, expect combat bonuses and Citadels galore.
Malacca’s wave of success in Lesotho has turned out to be brief, and they’re once again about to be pushed off of the African mainland with Mohale’s Hoek in the black. To raise morale, the Malaccan aristocrats have hired a musician by the name of Louis Armstrong, who is VERY insistent on being called a Great Musician. It’s a little off-putting, but the Malaccan soldiers have to admit, he’s damn good at what he does.
The German outpost of Hannover is unable to repeat their miraculous victory against Rio Grande, as the Vandili navy easily crushes the city’s defenses with their superior navy. Bremen is similarly unable to resist conquest, as the German pirates are overwhelmed by the might of Vandili Ironclads. The German Arctic fleet is making its way to recapture these cities, but for now, the Vandals have established full control over the Atlantic Ocean.
The German navy is no slouch either, mind you - they’ve easily conquered the Vandal colonies of Vienna and Lutetia, though the isolated city of Hadrumetum is proving tough to reach. In the North Sea, the Germans are seeing similar success, outnumbering and crushing the Soviet ships around Norway. The Privateers which make up the bulk of the German fleet are weak, but they do have a chance to capture the Vandal ships they defeat, so their fights against further Vandal and Soviet fleets will definitely be worth keeping an eye on.
Malacca has lost Mohale’s Hoek to Lesotho, but the Malaccan fleet has regrouped and is ready to retake the city once again. However, Nigeria has a naval blockade set up to keep Malacca away from the city, and with all the advanced Lesothan melee and artillery units nearby, it’ll probably flip right back even if they do manage to take it. With all this intense fighting taking place, even the Finnish Settler can’t help but watch the action unfold up close. That seems a bit dangerous! Hopefully they won’t get caught in the crossfire.
The Rio Grande-Marajoara War is still at a stalemate. Rosillo the Terrible has secured the land border with Marajoara using a large squadron of Uhlans, but Rio Grande’s fleet has been devastated, leaving the Gulf of Mexico fairly empty. That being said, Marajoara may be able to turn the tides now - they’ve developed Infantry and Machine Guns, dwarfing the power of the Rio Grande military… but that’s not worth anything unless P’kuee can manage to push through Central America or land her troops on some other shore of Rio Grande. She’ll need a few more boats if she wants to make that happen.
The German and Vandal fleets have finally met, and they’re doing battle all across the Atlantic Ocean. The two sides seem about evenly matched, but the Vandal lines have broken down on the left side, allowing the German ships to launch a bit of a flanking maneuver. Also notable is that Gergovia has fallen to the German navy, granting Germany access to the Atlantic Ocean from a mainland European city. There’s a small Vandal-Soviet attack on the city going down right now, but it won’t be enough to hold the city at this rate. Overall, not a bad look for the newly-empowered Nationals of the German government.
Germany has Petrograd surrounded and in the red, and Tsaritsyn is also under pressure… but things aren’t going as perfectly for Germany as it might seem. Germany isn’t producing any new land units (clearly a case of corruption, as the heads of the Nationals in Germany are also the top admirals), so once the cavalry forces in the east run out, the German assault is done. Not only that, but the Soviets are finally mobilizing a force around Tsaritsyn, and the Vandals are beginning to attack Cologne. The Germans had better beat the Soviets quickly, or their invasion could quickly turn itself on its head - and the Vandals are masters of exploiting exhausted invasion forces.
Speaking of the Vandals, here’s a look at their invasion force - their ships blanket the Mediterranean, and the Germans have no defenses but the mountains along their southern border. A few brave ships are keeping the Vandals out of the Aegean Sea to protect the city of Cologne, but the Vandals are getting around this by launching a land invasion of the city from the west instead! The Vandals haven’t bothered attacking the German core just yet, but once Cologne falls, they’ll have a straight shot towards Berlin.
Germany has captured Petrograd from the Soviets! Unfortunately for them, though, the German invasion force has seriously dwindled as a result of the long siege. On the other hand, the Soviet forces have finally mobilized, and they match the remaining German forces in power at the very least. The Soviet navy has also gained total control over the Baltic Sea and could now threaten Breslau in Denmark. The players in this German-Soviet War may be from World War I, but the situation unfolding here seems suspiciously close to that of World War II’s Eastern Front… and if the war doesn’t end soon, the Soviets might end up on the gates of Berlin this time, too.
As the Soviet war front begins to stall, Wilhelm and the German Nationals desperately look for a way to keep morale high before the weight of invasion crushes them. Their solution? Another war. Sure, they don’t exactly have troops to spare, but the Dene are weak and the Arctic Fleet is as strong as ever! They even rope Marajoara in, since they’re looking for a way to get a foothold in North America. There’s no way this war could backfire for the Germans, right?
As German cavalrymen desperately hold Petrograd, the Vandals bring the city of Cologne into the yellow. Power in King Genseric’s court has just shifted to the Progressives, and they’re eager to prove their worth - with Great War Infantry in Gergovia and Cologne all but surrounded, the new Vandal government may end up with quite a nice string of early victories to show for itself. That is, if the German army currently marching down into the Balkans doesn’t put a stop to the invasion.
The Germans have now managed to clear the Vandili cavalrymen out of Cologne’s borders, and they’ve reinforced the border along the Alps as well, but that’s come at the cost of Petrograd’s defenses utterly collapsing. The bulk of the Soviet forces are a couple of tiles away from the city right now, but they’re coming for Petrograd, and they’re coming from all sides. Oh, and the Soviets have planes now, too. This could be the beginning of the end for Germany right here, folks.
Even Germany’s arctic holdings are looking barren now. All the ships have left to fight the Vandals in the Atlantic or the Dene in North America, and from the looks of it, the Dene are holding them off fairly well. Even the undefended city of Hadrumetum is untouched as the few German troops left in Greenland can’t seem to break past the mountains in the area. Granted, it’s located in a defensible position, but it’s still not a good look. Germany is running out of units, and even the extra Production they get from being at war doesn’t seem to be helping them.
Petrograd has fallen back to the Soviets, and it doesn’t look like it’ll flip back anytime soon. The Soviet military is still a few tiles from Munich, but the path to the city is completely devoid of any defenses, save for a river on one side and some hills on another. What’s worse, if Munich falls, the Soviet Levies can easily follow the German roads right over to Berlin and Breslau (in Denmark). Even Prizreni in the Caucasus is taking damage from a Soviet assault. Germany is faring better against the Vandals right now, but even on that front troops are running thin - Cologne, Pristina, and even Frankfurt might be in trouble soon.
In a truly humiliating turn of events, the Malaccan assault on Lesotho’s coast has been repelled so thoroughly that Lesotho has been able to launch a counter-attack by sailing a few Infantry units over to Madagascar! They probably won’t take any cities, but the fact that Lesotho can manage such a thing at all is absolutely ridiculous. I have no clue where all the Lesothan Republic is getting all these units, by the way. Perhaps they’ve become so battle-hardened from all the years of war that every single citizen is able to act as a reserve soldier?
The Dene-Germany war is proving to be surprisingly even. Up north, the Dene navy has successfully broken up the German fleet, and seems to be repelling them quite well. Further south, however, a second fleet of German ships has surrounded Ounonisaton, though the ships appear too damaged to beat all the defending units and properly capture the city. The two sides appear evenly-matched technologically, too. All this just goes to show that the Dene aren’t quite irrelevant just yet. That, or the Germans really are in a terrible spot right now.
A Soviet Cavalry squadron rides toward the gates of Munich. It is alone for now, but there are more of its kind not far from the city, and they’re backed up by Soviet Levies and Field Guns. King Wilhelm tells the people of the city not to fear, but with only a lone Field Gun to hold the line, the defenseless citizens know better than to listen to their mad king’s words. The Nationals tell them that everything is going according to plan, that the filthy Communists will be stopped at the gates and that the military will fight with everything they have, but if that’s the case, then why are there no soldiers in the city?
Riots break out. Panic sets in. The Cavalry take note, and word makes its way back to the mighty Soviet dictator back in Moscow. He smiles. Everything is going according to plan.
As war rages in the eastern German holdings of Andijan and Prizreni, soldiers of the All-Russian Empire watch on. This brutal fascist dictatorship is technologically underdeveloped and surrounded by stronger powers, not to mention fairly under-carpeted for a civ at peace. But they’re not irrelevant just yet. If they were to time an attack right, they could easily take a city from the Soviets or Punjab, especially if they start researching useful military technologies instead of beelining naval techs. And if they don’t… well, at least they’d still be doing better than Andijan is right now. One heavily-damaged Cavalry isn’t exactly a good city defense.
A line of German Cuirassiers have finally arrived to defend Munich, but they may be too little, too late. Munich is in the yellow, and Soviet troops still have direct access to the city, so Lenin’s forces might capture it even with a few German troops nearby. Things are going just as poorly for Germany on every other front. As the last German units in Italy pointlessly charge toward Aleria, the Vandals will soon be able to march on Frankfurt unopposed. Hell, they’ve already recaptured Gergovia in the west! The Nationals have been ousted from power in King Wilhelm’s court, but something tells me the Progressives won’t be able to turn this around.
Even in the easternmost German lands, war rages on. The surprisingly large Vandal military in the Middle East has brought the isolated German city of Andijan into the red, and without a single unit left to defend it, the city is doomed to fall in a couple of turns. Maybe that Uzbek Great Prophet can whip up a miracle to save the city? That’s about all the people of Andijan can hope for. Prizreni isn’t doing much better, but at least it doesn’t have enemy units within its borders.
The Rio Grande-Marajoara War has been a stalemate for quite some time now, but things might finally be shifting in Marajoara’s favor. A Marajoara fleet has properly mobilized in the Gulf of Mexico, and the Rio Grande blockade of Panama has been broken, but the real game-changer here is right outside the city of Tampico - a Marajoara Paratrooper. With this, Marajoara can bypass the thin passages of Central America entirely and drop troops right next to Rio Grande cities as they please. By comparison, Rio Grande has their unique Cavalry replacement, the Vaquero, which is stronger when attacking over Rivers. Not very helpful in this scenario.
Germany has retaken Gergovia, but overall, things are still going poorly for them. The Soviets are making quick work of Munich and its defenses. In fact, Lenin is so confident that Munich will fall that he decides to split off half of his forces and send them toward Frankfurt! That’s a bold move for sure, and one that could easily backfire. Could this be the opening Germany needs to turn this around? (Also, the Gauls have a decent carpet, all things considered - they could potentially take a city or two from Germany if they attacked, but their forces might be too outdated by now.)
The Chukchi-Malacca border is as carpeted as ever. A war between these two giants would certainly be a sight to behold - Malacca has more Ironclads along the front lines alongside their trademark Jongs, but the Chukchi have more Cruisers and a huge patch of ships between Japan and the Philippines. The two seem about evenly-matched to me, and I can’t wait to see those two massive navies blow each other to smithereens. (As a side note, in this world of Merchant Hordes and Communist Warlords, I love how simple the Chukchi government is - just a king and his commons.)
Munich has fallen, and the German defenses around the ciy have disintegrated as well. Johann Serclaes, the only German General brave enough to check on the city, watches as the Soviets pick off the remaining defenders. That poor German Settler is probably going to end up working on a Soviet farm before long. In better news for the Germans, Frankfurt is holding strong, but we’ve still yet to see whether they can withstand a proper Soviet or Vandal assault.
A quick look at the other Communist dictatorship, the Marajoara, shows just how advanced their military has become. Infantry, Artillery, Machine Guns, Anti-Aircraft Guns, and of course the almighty Paratroopers are all present in Marajoara lands - really, everything about the Marajoara military seems advanced except for their navy, which is unfortunately the one most important type of unit for a nation surrounded by ocean. At least that gives their enemies a fighting chance. The other thing to note is that the Marajoara still lack a solid carpet, and Vandal units are taking up empty space in Marajoara lands. The Unit Limits mod should keep Vandal peacekeepers from being a problem, but who knows…
Rio Grande is fending off the Marajoara fine enough despite being technologically outmatched, but Rosillo the Terrible must have just gotten quite a scare when the Chukchi suddenly denounced them. Sure, a denunciation basically means nothing in Civ, but if the Chukchi were to attack… well, their endless fleet of Ice Pirates and Cruisers would rip the weak and distracted Rio Grande navy to shreds. Hell, Rio Grande still has a Caravel on the front lines! A Caravel!
Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul, stands in the barren lands of Germany, where there isn’t a soul to be found for tiles on end. The Soviets have taken full control of Munich, and a Soviet Privateer has captured Breslau, as well. The latter city just might flip back with how undefended it is, but the Germans only have about ten land units left even with their extra Production. The Vandals, meanwhile, are so sure of their victory over Germany that they’re bringing Great Musicians like Aretha Franklin into enemy territory along with the Field Guns.
Germany is running out of units on most fronts, but the Black Sea is not one of them. Too bad the Soviets are just marching through the Caucasus to reach Prizreni instead of actually fighting the Black Sea Fleet. At this rate, the city might fall before Andijan does, which is weird because Andijan is completely defenseless. Clearly, that Uzbek Great Prophet is pulling off some sort of miracle to protect the city from the godless heathens of Peje. That, or the land army of the Vandals is just hilariously incompetent. It’d explain why the Vandals haven’t taken any German cities in the Mediterranean either. (Oh, and Punjab has Napoleon now. Say hi, Napoleon!)
Germany and the Soviets are doing battle even up in Scandinavia, with the Soviets taking Dusseldorf but somehow losing Porvoo to the German navy. But Finland is way more interesting than a silly old war. The tiny one-tile Republic of Turku seems to be in the business of sending units all throughout the world, such as the Great Prophet Yeshe Tsogyal and that Finnish Settler in eastern Africa. Perhaps they’re spreading word of the Finnish plight, or maybe they’re just trying to get away from their sad, cold homeland. But it’s not all bad - Finland has three whole ocean tiles, each with a horribly outdated boat on them!
It’s not all good news for Finland, though - Turku is under attack. Finland is at war with the Gauls, and a Gallic Swordsman has snuck into Soviet lands to attack the city. The Swordsman won’t eliminate Finland on their own, but it’s the most excitement Finland has seen in centuries.
Germany has retaken Breslau, and they’ve mostly dealt with the Soviet ships in the Baltic Sea, but that hardly matters now because the Vandals have taken Cologne and are marching on Frankfurt! An army of Soviet Levies are joining them in a pincer maneuver under the command of General Claire Lee Channault, so the city appears doomed to fall. However, the Germans aren’t giving up the fight even now - a lone German Rifleman is charging into Munich with a Great General in tow, trying to recapture the city. It’s a suicide mission, but it’s a respectable one.
Holy shit, the German Rifleman actually retook Munich! With the entire Soviet military force moving towards Frankfurt, the city ended up undefended and ripe for the taking - too bad the Soviets are still right there and can easily flip the city back next turn. The Vandals under General Robert E. Lee, meanwhile, are doing a much better job of not leaving cities undefended in the middle of a war - even as Frankfurt is being assaulted, the Vandals still have a few units stationed near Aleria. With the Soviets to back them up, the Vandals don’t need to commit all their troops to the invasion at once, after all.
The Malacca-Lesotho War has calmed down dramatically since we last saw this part of the world, and right now things are not looking good for Malacca. All three of Lesotho’s coastal cities are firmly under Lesothan control, and Malacca is completely out of nearby melee units to flip them. The tired and bewildered Malaccan aristocracy leading the assault have called for more reinforcements (which can be seen around Qacha’s Nek), but until they arrive, Lesotho’s seemingly-endless military will have plenty of time to recover and regroup.
Even a tyrannical fascist emperor like Kolchak the Conqueror knows not to pick a fight he can’t win. The relatively under-developed All-Russian military would have a hard time defeating the equally-monstrous Chukchi and their Field Guns and Gatling Guns, so Kolchak is content to trade with the Chukchi instead, sending Caravans to the city of Karakorum. King Lawtiliwadlin knows that he, too, would have a tough time launching a successful invasion with his lack of melee units on the border, and he’s probably more worried about Malacca anyways, so he also keeps trade peacefully flowing across the steppe.
After seemingly endless years of brutal war, the people of Germany finally receive the best piece of news they could hope for: the Soviets have agreed to peace! This isn’t a huge deal for the German Arctic holdings, since their primary threat is the still-active Vandal navy (which has taken Lutetia and is currently harassing Vienna), but there are a few relevant cities here. Looking at the far right of the image, it appears the Soviets have kept Dusseldorf, but Germany has managed to hold on to Porvoo. That’s all minor stuff, though - what does mainland Europe look like now?
They’ve done it! Germany has managed to hold on to both Munich and Breslau! That lone Rifleman’s near-suicidal charge somehow paid off, after all. But the question remains: why did the Soviets make peace all of a sudden when they were on the verge of crushing Germany once and for all? I’m guessing the sudden recapture of Munich spooked the Soviets, who were fearful of a German counter-attack and hastily sued for peace. But maybe they got into a fight with the Vandals over who would get Frankfurt, or they caught wind of a potential All-Russian invasion? Whatever the case, Germany’s remaining troops can now focus on fending off the Vandals instead of fighting on two fronts, which might let them save Frankfurt from capture.
Malacca has renewed their assault on Mohale’s Hoek, bringing a whole collection of boats (including a Jong!) to the bay outside of the city. However, Lesotho does have a good few units defending the city (including a Nigerian Privateer that’s protecting one of the city’s coastal tiles), so Malacca will be as hard-pressed as ever to actually hold onto Mohale’s Hoek even if they do capture it.
A wave of nationalism has swept over the Holy Dene State after their successful defense of their lands against the Germans, and Thanadelthur the Just has formally adopted the Nationalism ideology to follow the wishes of her people. They want their leader to be more ruthless, more unyielding, and more militant than ever… in other words, they want Cycle 1’s Dene back.
The advanced Marajoara military technology appears to be working wonders for their war effort against Rio Grande. Advanced Marajoaran troops have flooded into Central America and surrounded the city of Tampico, and Marajoara’s top scientists have even devised a way to harness the power of nuclear fusion to destroy entire cities at once - the so-called Atomic Bomb. With this, even if the war effort suddenly collapses, Marajoara will have one final trick up its sleeve.
In other news, Marajoara has hired the Great Admiral Matthew Perry to command all the boats they don’t have in the Gulf of Mexico.
It turns out that the Gallic attack on Finland wasn't just a one-off thing - two more Gallic units are now assaulting the city of Turku, with two more on the way. The Gallic League, led by a monastic order that I presume is made up of gun monks, doesn’t seem to care that Finland is a peaceful nation only seeking to spread their religion. Hell, maybe that’s why they’re invading in the first place - Europe isn’t big enough for two religious microstates. In any case, Turku is in the yellow, and while the Gallic Rifleman is about to die, the Gauls have a melee reinforcement en route to the city.
Anarchy has swept across Marajoara! Maybe the people of Marajoara are tired of those damn Vandals running around their nation like they own the place. Maybe they’re unsatisfied with the slow pace of the war with Rio Grande. Or maybe they’re just tired of P’kuee running around nude because “her clothes are being shared with the people”. Whatever the case, far-right political groups have taken over the country, demanding that Marajoara drop Communism and adopt Fascism. P’kuee caves to these demands, seizing control of the government and donning a brand-new hat with a neat skull insignia. She refuses to wear anything else with it, but hey, it’s a start.
Andijan continues to hold out against all odds. The Uzbek prophet Salius performs miracle after miracle in the name of Allah, driving the Vandals out of the city over and over again. Not only that, but he’s attracted onlookers from Punjab and All-Russia as well, keeping the Vandals from approaching the city at all. Could Andijan really make it out of this war unscathed?(Also, Prizreni is safe now that the Soviets have given up their invasion, and the Vandals are so preoccupied with Andijan that they’re ignoring Pristina. So yeah, the German Middle East is safe for now.)
Over in Europe, the Vandili invasion of Germany is going… slightly better. The Vandals have surrounded Gergovia and Strassburg (in Ireland) with their navy, but on land, they’re struggling to capture Frankfurt without the help of the Soviets. Germany may only have Riflemen to match the Vandals’ Great War Infantry, but they also seem more organized than the Vandal troops. The Nationals have taken control in the Vandal court to try and correct this, so we’ll see if they can get the invasion back on track.
The citizens of the Kulin Republic, fearful of their powerful Fascist neighbors Malacca and Marajoara, rise up and force Praetor William Barak to adopt Fascism, at least in name. I can’t blame them, considering that the Kulin navy is… underwhelming, to say the least. Frigates and Caravels aren’t a good look in a world of Cruisers and Ironclads.
The Germans continue to repel the Vandal assault on Frankfurt. There’s another wave of troops coming from Aleria, and the German defenders are pretty badly damaged, but the Vandals look like they’re almost out of land units. The Vandals probably only have one good push left in them before the war reaches a stalemate.
As expected, the small Vandal assault on Frankfurt has been quickly repelled (the Nationals have once again been sacked for their blunder), and Germany should have a few turns to recover now before the Vandals can muster another invasion force. And remember, Germany has extra production due to their wars with the Vandals and Dene, so they can absolutely make use of this break in the action. They can’t entirely rest easy, though - the Vandals seem to have retaken Gergovia in France, and now they have ships attacking Hamburg.
Turku has fallen into the red as the Gallic gun monk assault continues. The Gallic Cuirassier is almost dead, too, so whether Finland lives or dies all depends on who moves first in the turn order. But despite the fact that they’re inches away from death, Finland is somehow in the middle of a Golden Age! Either the Finnish people have decided that they might as well go out with a smile, or they’re just happy to finally be freed from their one-tile hell. Maybe it’s both!
Status update: Andijan is still German, and the Vandals are still refusing to enter the city. In fact, Andijan finally has a new unit to defend it! It’s a Line Infantry, which I choose to believe is that All-Russian Line Infantry that was in Andijan in the previous Andijan check-in. Clearly, the prophet Salius’s defense of the city was so impressive that the Line Infantrymen converted to Sunni Islam and joined the German war effort on the spot.
Rosillo the Terrible’s army is starting to look, well, terrible. The entire Rio Grande core is looking emptier than ever, and while the Uhlans that make up the bulk of their forces aren’t terrible, they’re also nothing compared to what Marajoara is packing. The new Rio Grande Great General Aethelflaed, presumably working with the newly-empowered Rio Grande Nationals, is trying to get the military back in order, but right now the only thing keeping Rio Grande safe from an all-out invasion is their geography.
It appears that the Gauls were able to move faster than the Finns, and with almost no health to spare, the Gallic Cuirassier (now a Cavalryman) has captured Turku and eliminated Finland from the game!Finland… never really did much, sadly. Unlike their legendary Mk. 2 counterparts under Kekkonen, Mannerheim’s Finland was content to completely avoid war and conquest. And to be fair, they were ridiculously good at not fighting wars - they went for dozens of episodes in a row without ever once gaining or losing any cities, content to stand perfectly still until total war, which they also miraculously survived. Going into Cycle 2, Finland showed a brief glimmer of promise that they’d be an active threat, rapidly settling all of Scandinavia… only to get boxed in and invaded by the Soviets, reduced to a single landlocked tile and eventually put out of their misery by the Gauls, somehow. A tragic end for a civ that had mastered the art of doing nothing, only to learn that eventually the CBR will force you to kill or be killed. F.
The newly-fascist Marajoara has decided to secure living space for their people and secure their borders by getting those damned Vandals out of their country, and off their continent at that! They’ve declared war and immediately surrounded the Vandal outpost of Tipasa, with another contingent of troops attacking the Vandal core from their African colony in Onitsha. The Vandal navy is responding with a counter-attack on these Marajoara ships, but their forces have been exhausted from the war with Germany, so they don’t have as many ships as they used to. This could be rough for the Vandals. (Oh, and the Kulin are here too.)
While the Vandals have a fighting chance in the Atlantic (mostly because Marajoara’s navy is super weak compared to their land forces), their undefended Pacific colonies are 100% boned. Here Marajoara has plenty of naval units since they haven’t been exhausting their Pacific fleet against Rio Grande like they have with their Atlantic fleet, and the Kulin also have plenty of ability to threaten these cities. The Vandals, meanwhile, have about five boats in the area. I’ll be amazed if the Vandals still have even one of these cities when this war is over.
Speaking of the Vandals, here’s their core! Despite their long-running war with Germany, the Vandals still have quite the carpet in the Mediterranean. Their land holdings, though, seem almost entirely barren (outside of the Middle East, that is) - not a good sign when Marajoara has a sizable army in their colony just to the south. Maybe those Vandal Great Generals can sort things out? Uzi Narkiss is no former CBR leader, but he could still make something happen.(Also, in case you didn’t notice, the Nationals are back in power in the Vandal government. What are nationals and progressives doing in the Vandal government anyways, though? They’re a goddamn nomadic pirate horde kingdom!)
The Soviets are making good progress on rebuilding their nation after the war with Germany. With their lesson learned about maintaining a standing army, they have a pretty decent carpet coming along now. Not that they really need it, mind you - Germany’s land unit count probably doesn’t reach the double digits, and the All-Russians have only just figured out what Riflemen are. Still, Lenin’s choice to park half a dozen planes in Samara just in case is probably a good call.
Germany and the Vandals have officially reached the point where neither side has any units left to throw at each other, creating a big fat no man’s land across central Europe. Declaring peace would probably be good for both sides right now, considering the Vandals have much bigger problems to worry about than Frankfurt. Knowing the Vandals, though… they probably won’t.
Oh, but you’ve noticed that declaration in the bottom-right-hand corner, haven’t you? Let’s go check that out…
Yes, Malacca and Lesotho have made peace, and the entire Lesothan coast is still in the defenders’ hands! In fact, the only city Lesotho has lost in the peace deal is Kananga. In case you’ve forgotten, that’s the city that Malacca was given by Nigeria in a peace deal, which they promptly lost to Lesotho after declaring war on them. So Malacca made peace with Lesotho in exchange for their city back. That’s… kind of pathetic, honestly. Maybe Malacca should go and invade Kulin again to restore their honor.
Vandal Polynesia is currently in the process of getting absolutely torn to shreds by a joint Marajoara-Kulin force, as expected. Now the only question is, which civ will get which islands? Marajoara has more boats in the area than the Kulin do, especially in the west, because funnily enough the only Kulin boats present seem to be from the Kulin’s South American colony and are therefore concentrated in the east. Boats from the Kulin core might show up eventually, but I bet the cities will have already fallen by the time they arrive.
With Malacca no longer a threat, Lesotho can finally focus on other things… like, for example, murdering Nigeria. Yes, Lesotho appears to have re-declared war on their old rival off-screen, even though Nigeria was helping them defend their coasts! Perhaps this act of betrayal is what earned Moshoeshoe the epithet of “the Terrible”? Whatever the case, despite just getting out of a war with a superpower, Lesotho’s military looks as big as ever, and Nigeria is apparently also at war with Marajoara as well, so their army is going to disintegrate fast. Things aren’t looking good for Awolowo. (Also, the Greens are currently in power in the Lesothan government, which I just think is funny. Green civ, green government, green target.)
Marajoara has easily seized Tipasa, and now their modernized navy is headed for Africa. A small band of Vandal ships is holding the line in the Atlantic, but they’re outnumbered and outgunned. Marajoara’s navy will probably be bombarding Africa’s shores before long. The Vandals aren’t going down without a fight, though - the Vandals have Ironclads all along their coastline, and there are a couple of Privateers harassing Camutins for good measure.
On the other side of the Atlantic, we can see the true scope of the Vandal-Marajoara clashes. The Vandal Ironclads on the coast have moved out to form a wall in the middle of the Atlantic which a couple Marajoara armadas are trying to bust through, while Marajoara ships from both sides of the ocean are trying to capture the heavily-fortified island stronghold of Aba. This clash of giants could define the entire rest of the game, and both sides are fighting accordingly.
On a more comedic note, Nigeria’s surprisingly-large army has apparently decided to scatter in all directions instead of defending Lagos. I don’t blame them - the city is so populous that it probably feels more like a sardine can than an actual settlement.
Despite everything, the Germans and Vandals still fight on. Germany has somehow built enough of an army to make a small push on Aleria, while the Vandals have brought Hamburg into the yellow. It’s a surprising amount of action for such a barren war front. What’s more, Germany actually has a new unit to bring to the table: their unique Stormtroopers, a GWI replacement with extra strength against gun units, fortified units, and ranged attacks in open terrain. Definitely quite a versatile unit, but probably not enough to launch a proper counterattack at this point.
The Vandals still have a huge mass of troops in the Middle East (the opposite side of the Vandal empire that they should be on at this point), and they still haven’t been able to take Andijan. At this point, they’ll probably never take it - the city has been supplied with Field Guns to defend itself, and troops from Pristina are trying (but mostly failing) to flank the Vandal army while they’re distracted. Marajoara is way more of a threat at this point, so the Vandals really should give up on this front and go defend their cities in the west.
Well, whaddya know - the Vandals and Germans finally make peace! Let’s go over the post-war borders. Up here in the Arctic, there’s nothing too crazy. The Vandals have taken Strassburg and Vienna, but they seem to have captured both cities off-screen, so neither was some ridiculous peace deal gift. Germany, meanwhile, has regained Lutetia, also flipped off-screen - and they finally captured Hadrumetum, too. Despite everything, the German arctic holdings are mostly intact, and a lot of the bordergore has been cleaned up.
Things are a lot more interesting in mainland Europe. It appears that Germany has lost Frankfurt in the peace deal, but with all those units in the city, they probably weren’t keeping it anyways. However, besides that, they’ve kept all their other cities! Hamburg is still German, and no non-threatened cities were handed over in exchange for peace. It’s not perfect, but Germany has come out of this war surprisingly intact.
And finally, in the Middle East, we can see that Andijan has successfully survived the Vandal assault! The Sunni faith had better get some new followers after all that Salius presumably did for the city. Pristina and Prizreni are still in German hands, too, although the loss of Frankfurt has cut them off from the German core. As for the Vandals… they’d better get that land army moving to the Marajoara front before it’s too late!
Unlike the Vandals, the Marajoara have no qualms with fighting two wars at once - this is bad news for Rio Grande. They have Great War Infantry now, sure, but even those are no match for Marajoara’s Paratroopers. Marajoara has Tampico in the red and surrounded on all sides, and from there Kakouagoga isn’t too far off (though Marajoara will probably want more ships in the Gulf of Mexico to take that particular city). Rio Grande had better sue for peace, and fast, because I don’t think this war is going to get any better for them.
(To the tune of “Lay All Your Love on Me” by ABBA)
No harm befell us before we met
Now every ship I see is a potential threat
Foreign possession, it isn’t nice
You’ve heard me saying that any owner would be nice
But now it isn’t true
Genseric, please undo
This land you’ve earned has overturned
I beg of you
Don’t go wasting ammunition
Lay all your lead on me
Don’t go losing this position
Lay all your lead on me
It was like shooting a Cargo Ship
A couple Privateers and baby, I was flipped
I still don’t know what they’ve done with me
A Vandal city should never fall so easily
I feel a kind of fear
When P’kuee is near
Unsatisfied, I skip my pride
I beg you, dear
Don’t go wasting ammunition
Lay all your lead on me
Don’t go losing this position
Lay all your lead on me
I used to work for Nigeria
They’re almost dead now so clearly they’re inferior
But I thought we were defensible
It makes the truth even more incomprehensible
Oh, now it isn’t true
Genseric, we need you
This land you’ve earned has overturned
What can you do?Don’t go wasting ammunition
Lay all your lead on me
Don’t go losing this position
Lay all your lead on me
(Repeat x2)
In no time at all, the Pacific colonies of the Vandals have been completely mopped up without a trace. Oddly enough, though, it seems like every single one of the former Vandal cities was captured by the Marajoara - the aptly-named P’kuee the Conqueror didn’t leave even a single city for the Kulin. That’s a big deal considering the Kulin were the ones who needed some new cities the most. Where else could they even expand at this point?
The once-proud Republic of Nigeria is really on its last legs now, as alluded to in that ABBA parody a while back. After the loss of their entire empire, the people of the comically-large city-state of Lagos seem to have turned to extreme religious zealotry. Not only has their government been taken over by the Religionists, but every Nigerian unit that hasn’t fled into the Sahara has decided to charge headfirst into Onitsha and die in some bizarre form of ritual suicide. Now only a few units remain to defend Lagos from the concerningly large Lesothan military, which by the way contains Paratroopers now. I don’t like Awolowo’s chances here.
The Dene are the third civ this episode to be forced to adopt Fascism. Driven by a desire to return their once-proud nation to glory, far-right nationalists coerce their leader to go one step beyond Nationalism and convert her civilization into an authoritarian holy state. Surely Thanadelthur, a wise and just ruler, isn’t exactly happy about this, but if it’s what the people want, she’ll have to oblige. Unfortunately, all the intimidating uniforms and government suppression in the world can’t change the fact that the Dene have practically no usable military (the bulk of their fleet is blocked off from the Atlantic by Ahiragenrega).
Oh shit, here we go! Lesotho, not content with erasing Nigeria, has decided to make a bid for all of Africa by invading the Vandals! This is certainly an interesting war - the Vandal military is completely exhausted, of course, and Lesotho’s advanced military has a straight shot at the undefended Sahara. But remember what happened when the seemingly-superior Nigerians invaded the Vandals last part. The Vandals could theoretically stall Lesotho out on the Mediterranean and counter-attack once Lesotho runs out of units.
Of course, the catch is that Lesotho’s military is apparently completely inexhaustible, going by their war with Malacca. And with the Vandal navy also being exhausted by war… well, it’s possible that the Vandals’ luck could run out.
The Vandals have unfortunately lost Aba for good, by the looks of it, but they’re holding the line surprisingly well otherwise. The Marajoara navy is mostly being separated and held off, and on land the Vandals are keeping Marajoara troops out of Catina. Further east, Lesothan troops are already moving towards the Vandal Sahara before Lagos has even fallen… but they’re all splitting up! Even with their advanced units and lack of opposition, this could be a fatal mistake for Lesotho.
While the rest of the world descends into flames, the cold war between Malacca and the Chukchi continues on, with both major empires at a standstill. The fleets on display are truly ridiculous - Malacca is covered head to toe in mighty Ironclads, and while the Chukchi may be fielding mostly Privateers, they also have Battleships in their ranks. All these ships are doing nothing but sitting along the border menacingly, but if they don’t keep expanding, Malacca and even the Chukchi could end up left in the dust. So the question is, who will strike first, and when? (And will either civ ever decide to build some damn land units for once?)
Despite Lesotho’s new war with the Vandals, they haven’t forgotten to finish what they started, finally putting their old frenemy Nigeria into the ground for good. The Nigerian exodus will surely keep Awolowo’s spirit alive, but for our purposes, Nigeria has been eliminated from the game.
Nigeria has been… a rather controversial civ, for reasons they might not wholly deserve. Between their blobby and outdated design, their murder of fan favorites such as Burkina Faso and the Ptolemies, and their dominance in late Cycle 1 as a “boring land empire” over fan favorites like Malacca and the Vandals, Nigeria had its fair share of haters. But lest we forget, Nigeria was an underdog at one point that conquered its way across Africa fair and square. With the coming of Cycle 2, Nigeria looked ready to repeat their dominant performance in Africa even with the Vandals crowding them out, destroying Zaire and beating up Lesotho with Malacca’s help… only to have a seemingly one-sided war against the Vandals horrifically backfire, costing them their entire empire and reducing them to just their extremely thicc capital. I may not have liked Nigeria, but I can respect their efforts and appreciate the tragedy of a top contender losing everything to one fatal mistake. F.
With the remnants of Nigeria out of the way, Lesotho has now turned their full attention to Nigeria’s effective killers. Two giant walls of troops are marching on both halves of the Vandal kingdom, with Mbuji-Mayi already taking the full force of Lesotho’s invasion force. Cavalry and Field Guns are trying to halt the Lesothan advance, but they’re nothing in the face of Infantry and Paratroopers. And between you and me… the odds of a Mediterranean flipfest aren’t looking good either with how empty the area has become.
In the hilariously over-citadelled land of Central Asia, the Punjabi Holy State has decided to attack Germany again! Fueled by a desire to not let their former city of Andijan fall to Sunni influence after Salius’s miracles (and Great Merchant J.P. Morgan’s bank account), Punjabi holy warriors are attempting to reclaim the city they gave away just one episode ago. On the front lines is the Punjabi UU, the Akali - this Rifleman replacement can be purchased for cheap with Faith and has a short ranged attack in addition to its standard melee attack. Coupled with Punjab’s planes and Artillery, the sheer potential numbers of these guys are a huge asset to Punjab. (Also, All-Russia is invading the Vandals, but the corridor to Peje is a tight squeeze…)
Mbuji-Mayi has fallen to Lesotho, and the eastern Lesothan army shows no signs of stopping! In the west, Kano is taking damage, though Ibadan and Catina are fine due to Lesothan troops spreading out and becoming disorganized. The small Vandal defense forces are also holding out, but they don’t seem to be making a dent in the Lesothan army size, either. All is going well for the Lesothan command so far, especially the dominant Green political faction (whose primary goal is presumably to paint as much of the world green as possible).
Lesotho’s western army is tearing through Kano almost as quickly as the eastern army tore through Mbuji-Mayi, taking the city into the red in just one turn. The Vandal troops have apparently given up on the city in favor of forming a wall between Kano/Ibadan and Bulla Regia/Hippo Regius, but this troop line may not have enough firepower to hold once Lesotho turns on it. Then again, though, Lesotho’s eastern army seems unable to move past Mbuji-Mayi right now, so who knows.
Despite being constantly at war for almost the entire episode, the Vandals have still been able to patch up their iconic navy and send an organized assault into the central Atlantic! Marajoara’s damaged and disorganized ships are looking like easy pickings, and while Marajoara’s land carpet won’t let the Vandals retake Tipasa, they should at least be able to keep Marajoaran units from easily reaching their core now.
Enough war, let’s look at the Soviets again! The Soviet People’s Republic is one of the only nations left that still follows Communism, with Lenin clinging to his historical ideology even as everyone else moves towards Fascism. This obviously makes them a massive target for coalition wars in the future, so it’s a good thing the Soviets are rebuilding nicely from their earlier war! Their core is still a bit sparse, but they definitely have the capacity to stop the underdeveloped Artillery-happy All-Russians, and their shiny new Battleships are their ace in the hole. That being said, a Paratrooper invasion could seriously mess them up if they don’t keep carpeting.
Kano has fallen to Lesotho as expected, and Ibadan looks to be next on the chopping block. Catina isn’t faring well either, as the city defenses have been scattered and a joint Lesothan-Marajoaran assault has the city almost surrounded. That being said, the Vandal wall seems like it’s working well enough for now, as Lesotho’s eastern forces are still stuck in Mbuji-Mayi. The Vandal military looks like it’s regrowing, but it still looks ill-equipped to reverse Lesotho’s advance for now. Sure, there are a few Battleships in the Mediterranean, but can the Vandals build enough of them before it’s too late?
Marajoara’s Central American forces appear to have fallen apart around Kakouagoga, giving Rio Grande enough time to regroup. However, Marajoaran units are now approaching Onguiaahra in Florida, which is a worrying development. Sure, the present units won’t be enough to flip the city, but if Marajoara keeps focusing on the city, they could potentially gain a foothold in North America for Paratroopers and aircraft. That would be a death sentence for Rio Grande with how sparse their core has become.
Ibadan now belongs to Lesotho, and the Vandal defenses east of Abuja have collapsed. Catina is surrounded, and it looks ready to fall next turn. The Vandals do seem to have some new (and slightly more advanced) units present in their core, so they’re not exactly running out of troops just yet… but it almost seems like Lesotho’s carpet has grown since the last image, too. I could be wrong, but if Lesotho really is building units faster than they’re losing them, that would be a horrifying turn of events for this game’s fan favorite.
With the power of the Sikh faith (and Chiang Kai-Shek) on their side, the Punjabi soldiers manage to bypass Andijan’s divine defenses and return the city to their own hands. The Great Prophet Salius braces himself for death at the hands of his religious rivals, but unexpectedly, they decide to give him shelter. After all, even if he is a foreign prophet, his willingness to defend the Sikh city of Andijan means that he can’t be all bad, right? Besides, he was there before the city was handed over to Germany in the first place. As reward for his hard work, Salius is finally allowed to peacefully live in the Mesopotamian highlands, secure in the knowledge that Punjab will defend his city for him.
Catina has fallen to Marajoara, pushing the Vandals back to only their coastal core (and Abuja). Now comes the hard part for the invaders - the rough terrain of the Atlas Mountains and the Vandals’ naval superiority means that taking and holding these cities will be near-impossible. But with the overwhelming tech advantage of the Marajoara and the endless units of Lesotho, I wouldn’t say the Vandals are safe, either.
Abuja, the last of the Vandal inland cities, is currently in the process of being surrounded. Things are looking hopeless over here, but the Vandals do have one final trick up their sleeve: their air force, which has suddenly ballooned in size (probably thanks to the Great Merchant Marco Polo). Of course, if Abuja falls, the Vandals lose five whole planes, and Lesotho has a few Anti-Aircraft Guns deep in their carpet, but this could be just the thing the Vandals need to tear a critical hole in the Lesothan army.
The Kulin may not be super relevant anymore, but they’re still active enough to complete the Manhattan project! With how hilariously sparse and outdated their military is, this kind of firepower is just what they need to make some sort of impact. Who knows? Maybe the Australian civ will be the one to drop one last defiant nuke on an overwhelming foe before dying this time.
Now here’s an interesting twist - the Vandals were presumably able to recapture Catina from Marajoara, only to immediately lose it again to Lesotho. This spreads out the Lesothan front lines, but even more crucially, it cuts Marajoara off from easy expansion into the Maghreb - they have open borders with Lesotho for now, but that’ll only last for so long (and it gives Lesotho first dibs anyways). They could try to launch a naval invasion to secure more Vandal cities, but the Marajoara suck ass at naval invasions and the Vandals have an impressive fleet in the Atlantic (just look at Valdaes). In short, Marajoara’s odds of making more gains here are looking slim.
Abuja is still untouched for the moment, but that might not last long - the Vandals appear to be abandoning the city, moving all their Field Guns to Cirta while a few brave soldiers hold the line to cover their allies’ escape. Abuja was actually looking pretty defensible with all those planes around, but I suppose rallying around Cirta lets the Vandals make use of their new Battleships. Now the question is whether the Vandals will get their planes out of the city before it falls.
The Rio Grande-Marajoara War has once again reached a stalemate, with Marajoara unable to break through either Kakouagoga or Onguiaahra. That being said, they’ve just reached the Information Era, and looking at even just the top of South America reveals a truly frightening orange carpet. If P’kuee the Conqueror could figure out how to get those units to the front lines, she’d suddenly be able to do a hell of a lot more conquering.
The first Lesothan troops have reached the Mediterranean Sea! The Vandal defensive forces have been split down the middle by a Lesothan push, granting Moshoeshoe the Terrible’s forces access to Bulla Regia and the Vandal capital of Hippo Regius. If Lesotho doesn’t commit the cardinal sin of splitting their forces, this could be a killer blow to the Vandals considering their lack of melee ships. In the east, Abuja takes its first bit of damage as Vandal troops continue to rally around Cirta. It all comes down to this - which will win, the Vandal Mediterranean grind and air force, or the endless Lesothan Paratrooper army? The answer will determine the fate of Africa for the rest of the game.
An All-Russian Rifleman stands at the thin border between his lands and the Vandals’. The city of Peje, once packed to the brim with soldiers, now stands eerily quiet. He knows his nation has declared war on the Vandals, and he’s heard the stories of the brave German Rifleman that recaptured the city of Hamburg all on his own. He’s desperate for that kind of glory, too - in the suffocating authoritarian regime of the All-Russian Empire, prestige is everything.
But the All-Russian Rifleman has heard stories of the Vandals’ military prowess, too - how they’ve defied all odds and turned hopeless situations into complete victories. If he steps foot into Vandal lands, all alone, will he be able to march on Peje and return home to fame and fortune, or will he die in disgrace like all those Nigerian soldiers did? It’s not like it matters to Emperor Kolchak. Right now he’s just another piece of cannon fodder, and if he doesn’t lead the charge, someone else will. The war will begin whether the Rifleman wants it to or not - it’s just a matter of whether or not he’s the one to start it.
But the (almost certainly irrelevant) All-Russian war on the Vandals will have to wait for next time, because it’s time for stats! There are only a few this time, but they’re all pretty interesting. First, a graph of the civs’ military power levels over the course of the episode. The most notable thing here is the pinkish line of Marajoara absolutely skyrocketing in this episode, likely due to their new unit carpet and unmatched tech level. They absolutely dwarf the Chukchi now, and if their navy wasn’t complete garbage, I’d call them the new strongest civ. Also of note, the Vandal military score has plummeted, while a new contender has risen above Malacca to become the new third-strongest military power. Who might that be…?
Surprise, it’s Lesotho! Despite being in a state of constant war throughout this entire episode and having a middling production score (and middling everything else, really), Lesotho now has the third-largest military. They’ve even surpassed Malacca, the very civ that was kicking their asses last episode! This could all easily come crashing down if the Vandals rebuild or someone surprise-attacks them, but for now, Lesotho is looking better than ever before. (And besides, Marajoara is helping Lesotho against the Vandals, and looking at the sidebar, now Malacca is too - I don’t think Lesotho has to worry about backstabbing right now.)
Now, let’s look at the other side of the biggest active war - the Vandals! Despite the rough patch they’ve been going through, the Vandals aren’t actually doing too badly. They’re still the third-largest civ in the world, and while their military is smaller than Lesotho’s, they have more Food, Production, and Science output, so they could absolutely win a long-lasting war if they can just hold the line at the Mediterranean. But of course, a lot of the most valuable Vandal cities are currently under active threat by Lesotho, so if they can’t hold then all of Genseric’s advantages are gone.
And finally, here’s the tech standings for each civ! Obviously Marajoara is way in the lead, with five more technologies than second place, but Punjab and Kulin taking a joint second is kind of unexpected. The Vandals and Lesotho are also tied, which is fun. The bit that’s most interesting to me, though, is who’s lagging behind. Rio Grande, All-Russia, and Malacca are all still behind Nigeria, which does not bode well for their chances if they can’t get their acts together soon. At least they’re not as far behind as Germany.
And that’s a wrap! I hope you enjoyed this episode - I know it was a bit long, but hopefully it was entertaining enough to make up for that. The next episode will surely be even more exciting and impactful, so stay tuned! Until then, though, I hope you have a nice day.