Episode 32: The More Things Change

1: Good day!

Hello one and all and welcome to the Civ Batttlle Royalleee! I’m your host u/JDT1706 (though I’m mostly on Discord because Reddit is banned in my country) and I’ll be guiding you through the upcoming

2: Malacca In The Middle

First of all, we bring to you our latest episode of Malacca in the Middle by u/Orangechrisy.

3: Washed FR

Next up, we bring up a cartoon by u/yaampa. Things looking pretty sombre for our once big powers, but sitting in the sidelines is not so bad compared to the devastaion that is about to come soon.

4: Koffie?

We now take a moment to give a shout out to all the lovely Ko-Fi supporters that help make the CBR possible!

5: Top Of the Pops

We gaze upon our current PR leader… the kings of cool, welcome the Chukchi! If you glance at their empire, they have everything you can ever want to succeed. A powerful army, good stats, and a recent evisceration of your closest foe. Will they keep the throne though? Lets find out!

6: Past The Urals

In our first slide, we glance at the capture of Ufa by a heroic ulhan division. Overseen by the Great General, comrade William “The Conqueror”, this capture helps solidify some good news for the red Russians and bad news for the white Russians - the USSR has overcome the Ural wall. Ufa will not stay red for long, and the other city beyond the wall, Samara, is also prepped for an assault from Kolchak. However, this remains a bad omen for the White Russians

7: I Used To Rule The Seas

We take a look at Malacca, now a husk of its former glory. Just 2 episodes ago, it was looking rather fine and dandy. Now, they have been completely eviscerated by a coalition led by the Chukchi and Kulin. The remains of the core can hold on for a bit thanks to the brave souls of the Malaccan army. However, never again shall they stand anywhere near the peak.

08: Slow Boat To Malaysia

Oh, how can we forget the other major component of this brutal coalition! Lesotho! After some rank incompetence resulted in the green boys holding on to the coast, they are sweeping the undefended Malaccan African Territories. Every single city in this episode of the world is at threat of falling to the bulls in green, and there is nary a thing Mansur Shah can do about it. He chugs another bottle. He knows no god, and all he can do is stare at the abyss.

09: Mare Nostrum

Ah, an eye at the great Vandal heartland. A highly advanced steppe horde led by the great warlord Genseric, the Vandals control the Mediterranean, and have recently acquired new properties in Wales. While their land army is nearly non-existent, their steadfast navy is more than enough to keep them safe. They just entered the atomic era, and in spite of the threat from Lesotho they are otherwise in a fairly decent position.

10: Hard Starboard!

Malacca continues their erstwhile retreat to the east as Kananga falls to Lesotho and Malaccan Yemen is due for the same treatment. The Punjabis and Vandals look on in awe at the collapse of a grand empire. Speaking of Lesotho, they did make a big comeback in this cycle. From the runt of Africa to an eminent world power, things seem to be looking up for Moeshoeshoe and his pals.

11: Cold As Ice

Herein lies the Chukchi Chinese Sea, consisting of a snapshot of their domains in southern Japan, China and Indochina. The Chukchi navy isn’t quite as massive as it once was, but its still an incredibly impressive force more than capable of cleaning up most world powers. Destroyers, Landships, Infantry and more litter the speckled coasts, awaiting further orders.

12: Its Cold Out Here

The Dene huddle together in their arctic megacities. Their UA and their great growth focus have resulted in fairly large cities in spite of the poor terrain, particularly looking at the 88 pop city of Somba’Ke, one of the largest cities on the cylinder. The Chukchi people live their happy lives under the great guidance of the great bear in the sky. They don’t have much, and they know their doom will come one day, but Thanadelthurs theocratic state has well prepared them for their meeting with the great spirit in the sky.

13: March of the White Walkers

The Chukchi navy glances menacingly at the pitiful remains of the Malaccan empire. A menagerie of destroyers and embarked horsemen. Pathetic. Though the Chukchi fleet isn’t committing much to the front anymore, they don’t need to commit much of anything. Singapura is doomed and Malacca is in the yellow. This has been an overwhelming victory for Lawtiliwadlin. In one fell swoop he has established hegemony across his half of the cylinder, and booked a ticket as one of the final powers. The White Walkers shall march!

14: Revengers (thumbsup emoji)

Ranjit Singh eyes deviously at the collapse of Malacca. Left and right, his erstwhile foe is losing massive ground. It is time. Time to repay them for bottling them in by sweeping Southern India. Immediately, the outpost of Vaga is seized by a destroyer battalion, and Malaccan Dravidia is highly undefended, especially since the Malaccan navy, once oh so powerful, is now fairly obsolete to the cruisers and destroyers that dominate the cylinder.

15: We Aren’t in Gaul No More

The Gaulish expatriates of Cenabaum left the burning lands of Europe to live in the frigid north of America. Unfortunately, the local Dene seem to disagree with their adventurous plight, and the defenseless town is integrated into the Dene domain. They don’t mind too much. Its safer this way, and the Dene won’t massacre them.

As an aside, this also means the Gauls only city is the former Finnish city of Turku. They have literally become Finland.

16: Abandon Ship

Mansur Shah launches a sneaky plan to prevent his demise. At the umpteenth hour of Malacca being lost, he gives out the entirety of his domain to the Chukchi, barring the doomed overseas colonies. This should theoretically provide a shield that prevents Kulin and Punjabi incursions into his core. Which may be necessary, as the Punjabi army is flooding into the undefended Dravidian area and the Kulin just took Rawalpindi, securing Java.

17: No Mooks?

He also gave Mokotholong to the Chukchi as an act of spite against Lesotho. The Malaccan African Project is still doomed nevertheless, with the Basotho tide crashing past the hull of the once mighty ship.

18: The Line of Skulls

A look at the All-Russian Ural Line shows a strange sight. The All-Russians have gotten into train fever, building dozens of Bronpoezed, a powerful landship replacement that can only move across rail. Since many of these wastes have no railroads, the skull-signed men can’t exactly approach too well. However, they serve as an ample barricade to prevent further incursion into Omsk. In addition, these trains actually passively build railroads beneath them to allow movement, and a legion of lancers are available to take back Omsk from the Soviet landships.

19: The Southern Front

While the Urals and the Line of Skulls prevent progress in the north, the Red Army have mustered their forces for an assault in the south. The brilliant great general Mordecai Gur is in charge of this operation, and the plan is simple. Push through from the damaged city of Samara, flank the Wall of Skulls and capture Omsk. Surely they cannot be repelled, can they?

20: Melter

In spite of their move to envelop themselves in permafrost, the Malaccan empire continues to melt away, with Pazhaiyarai falling to Punjab millenia after they were robbed of it. The former Chola lands should also be ripe for the picking from the Orange Gunners.

21: Intercontinental Agreements

Lesotho and Marajoara sign a research agreement with one another. A mutually beneficial signal of friendship between two rising powers. Remember, the Marajoara have a small colony in the Ivory Coast, taken from the ruinous corpse of Nigeria. Also, a brief reminder that Lesotho is still operating with a 19th century navy in 2026. Aside from the carriers. They’re probably made from wood.

22: Charming, Eh?

The Marajoara celebrate the completion of the Camutins (CN) Tower, a behemoth of a broadcast tower that sends out a subtle signal encouraging reproduction. It also helps send out cultural propaganda, though that doesn’t quite matter. P’Kuee looks proudly from its top observatory. Her cities are massive, her armies sprawl across the continent, and things are looking quite swell for the no.1

23: Another Glance

We take a look back in Indonesia, where a trio of Soviet scouts have been enveloped within Riau. You were way too late for ScoutCon buddy. Meanwhile, we also eye the relatively developed Kulin navy brandishing their new gain of Rawalpindi, and the pitiful Malaccan navy.

24: White Silence

Ah, Siberia, a peaceful domicile. With the exception of Karakorum, the cities here are noticeably smaller than most major global cities. There is also nary a unit here, be it from the Chukchi or the PARG. Barring the Great Ice Sheet Fleet 2.0. The people here live their honest lives off the land, the once blazing fires no longer visible in the frigid waste. What once remained of Mandukhai is but a burning memory.

25: Guess Whos Back

Genseric has a dream. Of a different time. When the Vandals ruled the waves in the American east coast. When they didn’t just rule the Atlantic, they dominated it. He then realizes that there is a prime opportunity to make that dream a reality. Rio Grande is crumbling under the might of the Marajoara, and from the outpost of Carthago, a regiment of steamships are on deck to seize Pesqueria Grande.

26: Hat-Fu

The Lesotho forces get to work practicing the sacred art that all people must know - the humble art of Hat-Fu. Pioneered by the great general Fu Hao, this marshal art has taken all the rage in the Basotho domain, with even Moeshoeshoe taking up the sport. These newly trained warriors are well on their way to crane kicking Malacca out of Africa, though they may need to figure out how to get down from those helicopters.

27: Friendly Army

The Marajoara send a small armored regiment into the newly acquired, and unfortified, Sahelian possessions of Lesotho. Its just a small military training exercise as a show of friendship. Nothing more, nothing less. The local citizens look on with little awe. They have seen these types many, many times before, in many, many timelines. They’re just happy the Marajoara are just flexing muscle… for now.

28: Chokehold

Qacha’s Nek gets captured, choking off Morija and Quithing from one another! This brutality all but dooms the remnants of the Malaccan African Project. It might take just a bit longer though, given the position of the Basotho armed forces.

29: The Red Sea Sharks

Here, we get a sight at the newly consolidated Red Sea. The blood of thousands of Malaccans, Vandals, Nigerians and Basotho lay under the pristine waves, but that matters not now. Jos is Lesotho’s land, while the Punjabis have seized Vaga. In addition, it seems that there have been several enterprising citadels filibustered through the Rub-Al-Khali, causing Jos and Wazirabad to have direct borders with one another and greatly increasing Lesotho's power projection into the east. Could this be a source of strife?

30: Its Morijin’ Time

After a few decades of uncontested rule under the fist of Malacca, the people of Morija decide to Morj’ up and assist the antique Lesotho navy into their shores. A regiment of paratroopers parade around town to celebrate the recapture of a once out-of-grasp loss. If only the poor people of Quithing can get the same treatment…

31: The Samaran Offensive

The Red Army flex their might on the town of Samara. A reinforced and experienced retinue of tanks and infantrymen march into the near-undefended town, held only by a brave retinue of artillery and their Anti-Air support nearby. The PARG army seems fairly thinned out, and what remains have elected to form a defensive line between Novonikolayevisk and Namangan instead of supporting Samara. It seems almost inevitable that the city, currently in the red, will be waving the red hammer.

32: One More Time

After 2 millenia, Punjab manages to almost completely stake their claim on the Dravidian plain. Remember, at the very start of Cycle 2 they bodied the Chola to completely annex their lands only to get bodied themselves by an unexpected Malaccan invasion. Ranjit Singh grins menacingly. Yes, its coming home. Once more. We’ll get it all back. We’re coming back. With a vengeance.

33: Big Bull Banter

Man, aside from Malaccas collapse and the Russian Wars of Unification, things aren’t really that bloody in the cylinder are they? Well, lets take a look at the civ with the Bulls Blood warrior UU, Lesotho. Once thought to be the rump of Africa, Lesotho has established themselves as quite possibly the biggest contender in the continent. Though the Malaccan invasions have left their mark on

34: Mother Russia’s Grasp

The Samaran offensive was a resounding success, with the city being secured in Soviet hands. However, The Wall of Skulls, now made of a mass retinue of retrofitted, highly mobile armored corps, have proven to be a threat to the somewhat sparse Soviet army, and will certainly pose difficulty in pushing deeper into All-Russian territory. As a result, Lenin opts to make peace with his erstwhile rival, letting them off the hook relatively lightly, with only a couple of cities falling.

35: Grim Embrace

The remnants of Malaccas once sprawling empire are about to fall. Terangganu is the last non-capital city Malacca still holds, as the once Punjabi city of Hazara gets secured by Lesotho forces. And even that is being enveloped by a horde of Punjabi seamen!

36: It Was Late At Night

Terangganu falls to the clutches of Punjab. The bright moon shines as the last Malaccans throw up the white flag. The moon shines on Ranjit Singh. He has taken what was rightfully his. And he plans on getting the last laugh.

37: Kaduna Matata

We see the town of Kaduna, captured by the Kulin recently in the Malaccan war. A tiny tundra isle, it is of little importance, but William Barak uses its capture as a cause of celebration anyways. No worries mate!

38: You Held Me Tight

The Malaccans hang on to their hats. Peace has not been signed with the Punjabis, who are out for blood. Excursionary forces are threading past Chukchi lands, and there really isn’t much needed to take Malacca itself, the last stronghold of the empire. Mansur Shah brings up what remains of his generals. The fleet is gone. And they shall defend to their last breath. Unease fills the room.

39: Aboriginal Rules

Here we see the Kulin heartland, the vast continent of Australia. As we can see, their cities have very respectable stats, and have become a popular stopover for enterprising Marajoara army men. In fact, they have gotten fairly absorbed in the local culture, many declaring theres no place like the Kulin empire.

40: Vandalism Up in the Bronx, More In 2033

Pesqueria Grande gets taken by the Vandals once again, reducing the city's population even more.Though it will likely flip back, Genseric made his mark by defacing the local monument with insulting images and rhymes.

41: Juicy

We take a look at the vast, yet compact Soviet empire. Decently populated cities enveloping the territory of the European Warsaw pact, and a loyal orchestra of seamen and armymen stationed across the nation. The fugitive rapper the Notorious B.I.G. has made waves across the nation, his great hymn “Juicy” helping wake many to the plight of the Soviets. A Kulin explorer observes in awe, from a German farm just outside of Nizhny Novgorod.

42: From An Empty Seat

Two episodes ago, Malaccas army was one of the biggestin the (admittedly small) world. Now it has been reduced to 2 poor infantrymen and a destroyer. The Siak battalion oversee the crossing of two battleships into the Straits of Malacca. Mansur Shah is quickly becoming a king of nothing.

43: Saturday Rap Attack

Inspired by the dark, brooding and violent lyrics of the Notorious B.I.G.'s biggest hits, Lenin surmises that the best way to prevent such scandalous incidents from rocking the Soviet veneer of stability would be to pay a visit to his more vulgar southern neighbors and to politely ask them to stop inspiring such tracks.

44: Pequeno Grande

Rio Grande (Big River) would probably be more accurately be referred to as Pequeno Grande (Small River) right now. Pesqueira Grande has fallen yet again to the clutches of the Vandals. And lets be real here - that absolute evisceration by the Marajoara has done quite the number on the fragmented empire. They aren’t even on a river anymore, they’re on a lake! Formerly owned by the Neutrals!

45: A Flash Of White

Remember Mansur Shahs ingenious plan to envelop himself in the Chukchi to prevent incursions? Yeah, that is not going to plan. The Punjabis have sent a large task force through Chukchi lands in order to end Malacca once in for all. Battleships and landships have congregated near the Isthmus of Kra. The end is coming.

46: Tiny Metal Takedown

Pesqueria Grande continues to flip about, this time falling into Vandal hands courtesy of metal hunks that we call ships. It will probably flip back.

47: Well, Tarnation!

The citizens of Dalu Twe find an ancient book, a travesty of the Dene teachings. In it, lay a strange collage of wars and battles, a great series of teachings. An epic tale of struggle, bravery and victory, of rebellion and struggle. It was written in a dialect strangely reminiscent of the Rio Grande dialect, leading them to believe that it is fate that Rosillo will save them. The defection of a 21 citizen city is surely a massive blow in the Denes' already tiny empire, and a nice prize for the struggling Rio Grande.

The books title? How to fight wars good. Mexican edition.

48: Uncultured Swine!

We take a moment to chastise the most uncultured civilizations within the cylinder (although most of them are already long dead). Taking a look in the list of corpses, we find a very big discrepancy which explains the defection of Dalu Twe. Somehow, the Dene are making absolutely no culture. Like, their cultural output is 0, making their empire susceptible to cultural influences and ideology flips. Even the Finnish Gauls, a pitiful OPM, and the long dead civilization of Zaire have higher cultural output than that. How in the name of the frigid gods is that possible! (Probably bankruptcy and glitches if I have to guess)

49: Darn Vandals!

The Dene decide that the appropriate response to one of their cities revolting is to distract the populace with a new boogeyman. She looks through the list of leaders. Genseric looks like a good one to pick on. Darn Vandals, ruining our culture!

50: It Will Take A While, To Make You Smile

The Punjabi forces approach ever closer to Malacca, now on the doors of the city. There is no one left. No choice but to throw in the towel. Mansur Shah smiles wryly from his crumbling palace. He made it further than any one of his foolish early rivals could've predicted. The VOC, Taiping, Laos, Vietnam. He outlasted them all. But here it comes. His fall.

51: The Real Slim Shady

The Soviets have opted to leave their men in the back of the lines for now, opting to let the Vandals exhaust their own forces first. William Slim, in shades and in command of the local forces in the frontline town of Cologne, opts not to push his luck, retaining the local Vandal defense force in a defensive line. By contrast, the Vandal navy continues to bombard Frankfurt into the red, despite having no easy way to take it.

52: Blue Cassette Tours

Hey, do you dream of traveling the world? Do you dream of seeing more battles and more brawls? Then come on down to Blue Cassette Tours! We are making more content throughout the day, and can make you anywhere from Lahore to Hippo Regius! Just a dollar in Ko-Fi a day can go a long way to helping us send you on more exciting journeys!**Travels may not work out as advertised

53: Somewhere In These Isles I’m On Your Side

Alexa, play Pedro Pascal crying over Space Song.

We cry over the death of a legend. Malacca came into the BR with the lowest of expectations. A bad start, an AI not renowned for being particularly expansionist, uniques that at first glance aren’t game-changing. And yet, by the will of the gods, they managed to go on an absolute tear of a run. A series of very good settles early on provided a great power base, compounded by the incompetence of the VOC and Anangu. The Jong proved to be an absolute monster of a unit, thanks to upgrading as a cheap Caravel and helping provide Malacca an additional powerful middgame naval unit. And Laos, Vietnam and Taiping all proved to have languished. With that, the Jongs rang their gongs and helped sweep up practically all of the China Sea. From the coasts of Canton to the outermost isles of Nusantara, if you had a coast in the east, you were liable to getting eaten by Malacca. They led in science and growth, and were the number 1 seed for very long stretches of time, never leaving the top 2 within Cycle 1. Hell, in the very last episode of the cycle, they even managed to stake their claim as the one true Chinese civ!

Come cycle 2, everyone knew that they wouldn’t replicate their miracle run to the same extent in spite of their massive buffs thanks to the amazing cycle 1. Nevertheless, they still managed to bring the hype with the conquest of the Dravidian Plain from Punjab and the invasion of Madagascar, creating an empire that dominated the Indian Ocean instead of the China Sea. Unfortunately, their ambitions grew too wide in the latter conquest, and after incompetent management ruined what should’ve been a sweep of the Swahili coast, the Chukchi and Kulin browed down the once mighty empire with a great coalition, before the Punjabis drove in the blade.

Have a good one in the party sub Mansur Shah. You deserve it.

54: Turbans and Tankards

We now take a look at the triumphant Punjabis, fresh off their capture of a 78 pop city. Their navy and army are fairly well built, and their cities are on par with other regional powers, though their resources may be a little better. However, Ranjit Singh still is not satisfied. He wants to be a global power, and some areas like Hazara and Thanjavur were stolen from his grasp by repugnant petty thieves. For now though, he must consolidate, and prepare for phase 2 on his road to victory.

55: The East Is Green

Now, witness the newly consolidated Lesotho coast. The Green party has taken power in the nation with their popular 2% titanium tax, bolstered by the successful reconquest of the east. Many cities still need time to rebuild, but the plans of Great Engineer Jean Marie Jacquard will certainly help, alongside the ever present powerful army.

56: Life In New Brunswick?

The latest flip of Pesqueria Grande almost certainly puts it in Vandal hands, though the paratrooper regiments in its outskirts will probably dispute that. Genseric, bored of this game of ping pong, looks onwards to see where else he can establish a beachhead. He then realizes the perfect spot. A little spot on the Newfoundland coast. His viziers then point out something - people live there. There is a town. Andakichirob. Well, all the better to land at!

57: The Sonoran Monoclave

The Republic of Sonora, an exclave of the Republic of the Rio Grande, disconnected from the central government holdings in the Great Lakes. They don’t have much of anything, with some of their biggest cities being in Hawaii, but they seem safe enough thanks to whats left of the Rio Grande navy.

58: Inuit To Win It

Here we see the power that oozes off Ekuhenic’s energy, the Chukchi. A northern power, its quite incredible to see someone channel the existential threat the White Walkers were at points, particularly through the Ice Sheet Fleet. As you can see here, the Chukchi have built a fleet that would make Ekuhenic blush, and with similar colours to the former king of the north, success should keep them up all the way through the game.

59: Wunderwaffen

The Germans, wary of the Soviet and Vandal menaces, announce that they have completed the Manhattan Project, gaining access to nuclear weaponry. Their lines of cavalry and artillery stand proud, outdated but still useful. This bloody weapon of mass destruction will be helpful in defense.

60: Punjabi Tech Support

The Punjabis enter the Information era with the Internet! Swiftly, issues arise as other internet denizens find themselves being offered fabulous deals by Punjabi salesmen, only to have the rug pulled under them.

*This narrator is not responsible for announcing discrepancies in what tech the Punjabis enter with

61: Adaptation

When I call the Gauls the Finnish Gauls… thats because they literally are Finland in every single possible way. They literally exist solely in the formerly Finnish town of Turku, which literally consists of a single city that has under 100 thousand people. No outskirts. No resources. No nothing. Genseric has managed to perfectly replicate the Way of the Finn, that is, sit still and do absolutely nothing all game. The fact that they outlived Malacca shows its working… somehow. Kekonnen is rolling in his grave seeing his lethargic successors art of Finn-Jitsu, passed down from the ancient shamans of Nenetsia and Tibet, gaining more traction than his snipe-fu.

62: Snake-cation

Here we witness the Marajoaran Pacific Isles, a veritable fortress with a bustling touch of towns. Consolidated by the Marajoara several episodes back, the province is a surprisingly valuable addition to the empire, boasting a belt of 20 pop cities, 7 of which were obtained from other powers. The local navy and air force have their fun in the sun, warm lands very familiar to them.

63: Funny Button

The All-Russian Academy of Sciences are hosting a very important presentation to Emperor Kolchak. The scientists in charge of the project stand back, presenting a big red button to Kolchak. He presses it. A big boom. All-Russia can now do the funny. And Kolchak is not exactly against using it.

64: Northern Bites

A Marajoara paratrooper eyes the frigid lands that await his next assignment. The city of Deline, a Dene city with 25 citizens. He is to have gunship support, but not much else. The Dene have backwards infantry, so it should supposedly not be too hard. He sighs. This assault will probably be but a scratch on the shell.

65: Be Hubble

The Marajoara announce the successful launch of the Hubble Space Telescope in Camutins, catapulting their tech beyond the rest! Well, not really, but they are still really far above everyone aside from the Chukchi.

66: Well Actually It Kinda Makes Sense…

The Germans are rowdy for a good fight, and are protesting in great numbers right in front of the Imperial Palace. Wilhelm, eye popping red, angrily throws a dart that lands on Lesotho. Soon, the two are at war.

Ok, from a gameplay perspective, this actually kinda makes sense. Germany’s UA grants them additional production for each civ they are at war with. So declaring pointless wars with powers that can’t reach you is actually a good strategy to gain more production.

67: This Ain’t Cycle 1 No More

Genseric of the Vandals decides to insult P’kuee of the Marajoara, calling her scandalous and inferior to his fair headed folk. Unfortunately, he seems to have forgotten that in this cycle she has the upper hand. As we can see just from this screen, a portion of her army dwarfs the Vandals land forces, so Genseric should thread lightly.

68: The Arthropods Tail

The Dene lose their Gaulish pickup of Cenabaum to a Marajoaran strike force! An army is nearby to attempt a recapture, but it may not be enough. In other news, the Vandals have verified there is life in New Brunswick with the capture of Andachikiroub.

69: The Great Defense of Cologne

Cologne sits at zero health, liable to being flipped by a single melee unit. And yet, miraculously, it hangs on. The brave aerial squadrons of Cologne and Aleria assist the local artillery and infantry battalions, under William Slim’s command, in keeping the Soviets at bay.

70: Dragon Head

The Dene set up to recapture Cenabaum, but they better thread lightly. The Marajoara have a missile cruiser with 10 nukes just off the coast of Canada, capable of sending the empire up in smoke. Furthermore, the Marajoara still have reinforcements to flip a bit.

71: Will There Be Bloodshed?

I’ll ruin it right here - probably not. The Chukchi and Lesotho hurl insults at one another, just a bout of diplomatic sparring. Neither nation is really in position to fight one another. By contrast, we get glimpses of the Punjabi navy. It looks fairly well built and decent, if not a little small.

72: We Aren’t Barbarians! We Are False Romans!

After their valiant defense of Cologne, the Soviets see that its not worth the effort to push against the uncivilized Vandals. In addition, those pesky barbarians are on the verge of taking Frankfurt! Therefore, a conference is called and a white peace is signed. When asked to comment on the Soviet pretenses for war, Genseric hums about how he managed to truly prove they aren’t barbarians and can keep up with the times.

73: Shades Of Borg

Moeshoeshoe is really making a case to becoming Kruger’s true heir this cycle! The Enrichment Center, a powerful Future Worlds wonder that helped benefit the Boers as well, finds itself being built in Thaba Bosiu, and will provide food and production that greatly help any empire. Actually, looking at the leaderscreens, Moeshoeshoe actually looks a lot like Kruger. Top hat, grizzled beard, really not far off…

74: The Hitler Syndrome

The Hitler Syndrome is a famous psychological disorder most famously recorded in German artist Adolf Hitler. The sufferer undergoes severe paranoia, onset by a mixture of delusions of grandeur, disgruntlement in their surroundings and exposure to provocative media. They proceed to become incredibly aggressive, denouncing anyone who meets them, doing frankly insane acts before proceeding to end their own lives. Wilhelm looks at the mirror. A man with a stern look and a pencilbrush mustache glares back. “Do It” he proclaims.

The Germans denounce the Soviets. This will prove to be a poor diplomatic move.

75: Don’t Let It Be You

The turn after denouncing the Soviet Union, Wilhelm is confronted with shocking news as the Soviets enter the Information Era. Lenin had been infuriated by the denunciation, and proclaims that the USSR will bring about a new era of light and knowledge, an enlightened era that will span across continents. Wilhelm holds his head in sweat. Did he just poke a bear?

76: The True Heirs To Ekuhenic

The Chukchi have for the longest time laid eyes on the remnants of the Dene, their closest neighbors and the closest civ ethnically to the actual Inuit. They ate large chunks of them in a different time, and took their lands in this one. Its time to truly prove the true heir to Ekuhenic. The Chukchi attack the Dene, a mobile operations force immediately taking Somba Ke into the red.

77: Baum and Out

With the imminent invasion of the Chukchi, the Dene decide to peace out with the Marajoara, letting Cenabaum fall. It is reasonable to see why when you see the health of the other Dene cities on the screen. Meanwhile, Rio Grande continues to try to retake Andachikirob.

78: Round 2?

Several years after the proclamation of Information, Lenin moves to once again denounce those damned Imperial Russians to the east, such unenlightened brutes! Could this potentially lead to a refanning of the flames? There is a massive armored contingent around Samara, and the Wall of Skulls looks a bit thicker…

79: Darkest Night

The entirety of the Dene empire has been covered by ash and brimstone. Cities brought to the black and red as the White Walkers begin their reproach. The sermons call for unity, but people simply unite for the funerals. Winter is coming.

80: Well You Certainly Have Nothing Better To Do…

So the Gauls decide to break the rules of Finn-jitsu by denouncing the Marajoara. I have no idea why, and they gain absolutely nothing from doing it, but thankfully they are so insignificant the insult might as well dissipate into the sea.

81: Somber Call

Somba Ke, the bustling beehive that served as the crown of the Dene Theocracy, crumbles down into dust. The great walls and everlasting monuments of faith freeze as Chukchi troopers walk along the streets of their 4th original capital. Millions die in vain resistance. Billions quietly accept their new overlords.

82: Pehdzeh Appeal

The Marajoara overflow into Pehdzeh Ki, the former Dene outpost that has long fallen in the hands of the Kulin. Local residents are slightly concerned, but for the most part they just treat it as a great influx of tourists.

83: Around The North

Teoguiaton is all but fated to fall, and there is a distinct possibility that the rest of the Dene will too. Every city is in yellow or lower, and the Chukchi continue to advance, tile by tile.

84: North Sea Nooks

We take a slight detour from the main front to take a look at the North Sea. A Basotho armada stands in between the Vandal-Marajoara border, the sneaky Finnish Crossbow and Great Admiral accompanying them. As we can see, the Vandals and Germans have sizable troops in this area, so this is some safety for the Germans should things go south.

85: Stone Cold Lawtiliwadlin

We get to check out the action on the decimation of the Dene as Teotuguiaton gets conquered by the Chukchi. The Dene have been set back to the eastern Baffin Bay, paralysed by the piledriver down west. A peoples elbow to finish the job will probably not be in the cards, but those are some juicy gains out in the east, especially the 83 pop metropolis of Somba Ke.

86: Bagaration

The Soviet Union has decided that enough is enough. It is time to remove the pesky imperial Germans with their cantankerous attitudes from the map! Operation Bagaration shall commence!

87: Party Like It's 1942!

Immediately the Germans attempt to counter the Soviet army in Frankfurt, swarming about with the cavalry hordes while the rest of the Soviet army waits in the wings, prepared to push onwards. But thats not the biggest news in this slide! We have reached a Golden Age in the Moorish submarine! Lets have a party for another great cycle!

88: William

Munich hits the yellow, and we meet the man who is responsible. Commisar William “The Conqueror”, a brave soul who was also highly renowned for his contributions in the siege of Samara. Placed in charge of Operation Bagaration, he has become the most likely candidate for pacifying the German populace, owing to his similar name to the Kaiser and his fluency in Germanic. Of course, this simply enrages Wilhelm, hating his communist imposter.

89: Thats A Lot Of Nukies…

We get to see the empty east once again, where the Vandal-Big River war has stalled to a standstill. Of greater note is that giant popup showing a Marajoara airbase in Ounonisaton. One false move with that thing and the east coast disappears.

90: Do You Really Need A West Wall Right Now?

Munich is about to fall, surrounded by Soviet tanks at all sides. In spite of that, Kaiser Wilhelm is insistent on retaining the western wall of infantry, protecting the Lowlands and the gateway to the North. Those artillery pieces wouldn’t do much good against tanks, but out east they’d at least do something instead of the whole load of nothing they’re doing right now.

91: Taunt To Get Bodied

Welp Wilhelm… look where that denouncement got you. The Soviet Union conquer Berlin and Munich in one fell swoop, depriving the Germans of a proper capital. Breslau and Porvoo are also very vulnerable, and the mainland German army has practically been routed. Somebody is screaming in the halls of Breslau about how his soldiers “lack courage” and how nobody pushed for a counterattack.

92: Surely We Can Surpass The Commie Scum!

The All-Russians have observed that their Soviet rivals are on the verge of what might be a golden age. So they declare their own Golden Age! Though not nearly as glorious as the fall of Germany, it may be helpful for bolstering their minor economy.

93: A Bit Too Late

The Dene have successfully harnessed the power of nuclear weaponry. Unfortunately, given their current sorry state, it may be a little too late. They have been removed to 3 cities east of the Baffin Bay, none anywhere as good a recovery point as the west, and the greatest power on earth is beating down on them with superior firepower.

94: Sacrifices Must Be Made

And as such, Thanadelthur commutes with the elder gods. She cries, asks them to grant a miracle. They tell her the answer is simple - expel the Neutrals in Khioetoa! There is no other path to salvation. She relents. Peace is signed, and Khioetoa is now Chukchi.

95: Escape From The East

Hamburg is being encircled by Soviet forces, the German infantrymen helpless in the face of swathes of tanks and men. Wilhelm sighs. He’ll have no choice but to move further westwards. Breslau and Porvoo are under threat, and Vipuri is in the black. If Breslau falls, the mainland German army goes with it!

96: Oh God It's Also A Garbage Patch?

We take a look at the Great Ice Sheet Fleet in order to discover that it has simultaneously morphed into the Great Pacific Garbage Patch! Look at that navy in the Philippines! Destroyers, Cruisers and Ironclads galore! Dominance over the open seas!

97: I Hate Hats!

Immediately after setting down on Greenland, Wilhelm makes a very important announcement. He hates hats! Despises them! So much, in fact, he’s willing to box Moeshoeshoe to burn his entire hat collection! Speaking of Moeshoeshoe, the Swahili coast seems to be recovering from the devastation rather swell.

98: Exiled

Wilhelm watches on as the Soviet army parades over the conquest of the mainland. The cabinet has retreated to Danzig but something tells him its not going to be over yet. The voice in his head tells him to burn it all and move away, in its deep, raspy call. But it also calls for no surrender. What is there to surrender? The Soviets will have no quarter anyways! Wilhelm sighs as the ships show up ahead of Danzig

99: Pristine Planning

The Soviets have sent a minor contingent to deal with German Anatolia. Prizeni has been secured, and a mass regiment of helicopter gunships has ensured Pristina is ripe for the taking. Lenin grins. This invasion has been going amazingly to plan. Maybe global communism can be established after all!

100: Pack It Up Boys

Welp boys… unfortunately the partys over on the sub. Our golden age is over, go home! Well, at least we get a shot of the empty Vandal-Rio Grande front. Big River seems rather small nowadays, doesn’t it?

101: Phase II

“Activate phase 2”

Immediately, a contingent of Punjabi tanks and lancers begin to scale through the mountains. Nukus and Tashkent are primed to fall. The All-Russians have their tanks planes, but will that be enough to save the day?

102: Surely They Won’t Break The Ice?

Danzig and Stettin fall to Soviet battleships. A line of German U-Boats get set off the coast of Posen, the new capital, ready to ensure that the Soviets don’t break the ice. Will that be enough though?

103: Southbound Aggression

The Punjabis seem to have gotten a little overzealous with their recent successes against Malacca and All-Russia. Thinking that he can jump the gun with phase 3, Ranjit Singh goes ahead and denounces the Kulin. This can be an open setup for a future assault, or a meaningless gesture.

104: Ruckus In Nukus

Nukus has a ruckus as the Punjabi army moves in to secure the isolated city. The city is surprisingly well defended, what with the cruisers and artillery pieces, but unfortunately immobile Bronepoezd UUs and complete geographic isolation from any reinforcement will result in the city being all but doomed.

105: Posen For The Fans!

Posen stands precariously close to destruction with various Soviet troops surrounding the city. Destroyers, Missile Cruisers and Paratroopers all stand at the ready, prepared to take the city. Many of them have taken to posting pictures online to brag about their imminent victory.

106: Decisive Vandal Victory

Damn… that is a mad peace deal. Let's look at the terms. The Sonoran part of the Sonoran Republic was directly annexed into Vandal lands, alongside the city of Saltillo in Louisiana. In addition, the Vandals get to keep their gains in Canada, including the former Neutral capital of Kandoucho, leaving the northern government to operate from Quinaoutaouta. Rio Grandian Hawaii is still a thing however, interestingly enough. Guess Sonora is enough to keep Genseric satiated.

107: A Lull In The Storm

Posen swiftly falls to a Soviet landing! The plan is moving at full speed, even capturing a few German U-Boats! The crewmen in said boats are set on a new task - scout out locations for an offensive in Greenland, the last holdout of the Imperial Germans. Wilhelm sweats. The wind blows. It smells of smoke and crimson.

108: The Tank Of Tashkent

Tashkent has fallen, and resistance is futile. If it were not for one brave tankman, and his tiny resistance force! The tank of Tashkent sits by the outskirts of the city, determined to slow the Punjabi hordes down, even by a little. Its in red, so it can reasonably be flipped…

109: The Namagan Perimeter

While the Tank of Tashkent seems to be doomed in their quest to save the city, the All-Russians aren’t going down without a fight. Namagan is well reinforced with an aerial battalion of 8 planes and a bunch of tanks and artillery nearby. If Punjab is to take the city, they must give their assault with caution.

110: G-Day

The German army eyes valiantly on the frigid beaches of Greenland. Red landing ships are boarding up through the rocky shores. The orders are to hold them back. Unfortunately, a wall of ships and planes push forth, ample support for a beachhead.

111: The Kaiserbunker

Wilhelm despairs within a bunker in the city of Kattowitz. The eastern coast had just fallen, and there is little hope left. The voices. They are getting louder. When he sees the mirror all he sees is him. He calls for shouts of purity and for aggression. But that is impossible! As he continues to tap around and go mad, the German high command simply sigh in resignation.

112: Western Worries

Panning the camera a bit we see that Wilhelm has good reason to worry. The Soviets are rounding the bay and planning for a decisive strike into the heart of the western shores of Greenland. Though no harm has been dealt just yet, a large invasion could end the Germans once in for all.

113: No More Vandalism, Please!

P’kuee has determined that the recent Vandal action against Rio Grande is one step too far for these marauders, and decides it is high time to send them back whence they came! Immediately Saltillo surrenders to Marajoara forces, with the rest of Vandal America instantly prepared for a swift capture. This war is complete ruination for Genseric, given how open he has showed himself lately.

114: Trickstab

The last slide has failed to account how the Marajoara have a very large armed force prepped off Onitsha, showing such an operation has been in the spanner for a while. Saldae is taken to the black, and Caralis and Cartagena should probably be on high alert for the upcoming Arthropod Swarm.

115: Honk If You Are Dead

While the Marajoara pound on Vandal holdings everywhere, a naval strike force, consisting of a noticeable amount of the Vandal navy, is visible down south, ready to strike and retake their colonies down there. “This is madness” Genseric says to his admirals. “No, this is genius”.

116: Endsieg

While one war begins, another is reaching its end. Magdeburg has fallen, Kattowitz is in the yellow, and Hadrumentum is exposed. The Germans try to muster their valor, but it might not be enough to ensure their own survival. Wilhelm looks on with eyes of delirium. He’s being called to end it all right now.

117: Reconsolidation

Namagan has been bombed into the black, the aerial battalions no longer around. The army still stands steadfast but they definitely once had better numbers. Thankfully for them, the Punjabis aren’t pushing just yet. Their troops are far too out of position for a proper assault, requiring a few more turns to get together.

118: I Can Read Gud

Here we get a brief intermission to see who can read! Well, it seems like our gamerunner u/Lunarneedle can’t, and Vercigetorix flunked out of 9th grade despite not being a dead civ. Wilhelm and Thanadelthur, both rumps, sit at 78 and 77 respectively. Seeing the tech numbers, its highly likely we’ll be capping out on tech in a couple of episodes.

119: Kat And Mouse

Wilhelm retreats to Hadrumentum with what little remains of his brothers in arms. His cat-and-mouse game with the Soviets cannot last much longer. He’s down to his last 2 cities, and the Soviets aren’t slowing down. Something has to give, but the voice refuses to let him give anything. Lenin wouldn’t accept any offer. Go down with dignity!

120: It’s All Connected

Genseric comes to the realization that everything in the world is connected in some way, entering the information era. At the same time, the Marajoara successfully clean up most of North Americas bordergore, connecting the west and east coast for the first time.

121: The Last Gasp

Colin Powell gets sent out of the Kaiserbunker and into the city of Stuttgart. He is to be regent in case Wilhelm is to somehow end his immortal rule. As chief of the armed forces, the situation looks dire. The German army is decimated, and the Soviets are approaching from all angles. There may be no other choice but to plan for a final evacuation. He dials up the naval lines. We are leaving. Forever.

122: It Was Madness

As the Vandals lose Caralis, Genseric recalls the admirals who decided that the assault on the Marajoara homeland was a good idea. Tricamarum, Tecape and Cartenna are all in grave danger of falling to the Marajoara. And their forces have been somewhat hamstrung by the failed operation. Now, this madness may lead to chaos in the Vandal Imperium!

123: Just As Fate Intended

Hadrumetum and Stuttgart both fall simultaneously, bringing an end to the German Reich. In spite of the demands of the voices in his head, Wilhelm refuses to take the coward's way out, instead escaping from Hadrumetum via U-Boat to live the rest of his life in peace somewhere distinctly less red. He takes one last glance as what remains of his empire smolders away, the bastard William the Conqueror due to become the leader of the puppet state in its remains. He moves back in as the U-Boat submerges. Its going to be a rocky ride.

Wilhelm came into the BR with lofty expectations. He was touted as an aggressive AI who would build and settle competently. The latter 2 things came true but the former… is far more up for debate. On one hand, they did undergo some pretty aggressive stances. They helped bring the ruin of Sweden early in Cycle 1, and scrapped a lot with Kosovo, the Gauls and the Two Sicilies, famously rumping the former in the very last part and eventually taking North Italy from the latter. On the other hand, if something epitomizes Germany this round, it's missed chances. They could’ve become an undisputed superpower had they bothered to actually invade the Gauls in the middle of either cycle. They could’ve chosen to ignore the 2 Sicilies instead of wasting the entire cycle in pyrrhic victories in North Italy. They could’ve probably invaded the Soviet Union and taken a few cities in Cycle 1. They should’ve probably done something with Finland, though in fairness they were so quiet literally everyone forgot they existed. It was a wild ride in the Wilhelm Wheel, and its probably pretty frustrating. And eventually, Wilhelms aggression and that frustration caught up with him, leading to the denouncements that caused his doom, while somehow their eternal rivals the Gauls managed to outlive them by practicing Finn-Jitsu. Germany is out in 12th place. F.

124: Not Long For Namagan

The All-Russian city of Namagan seems all but primed to fall to Punjab. Its in the black, Punjabi forces are coming near it, and there are a landship and AA gun nearby to serve as melee capture. The Wall Of Skulls still sit by idly, but can potential deter invasion though.

125: Karma

The Punjabi plans for global domination have been leaked, immediately bringing a spur of aggression to their neighbors. Immediately sensing a good opportunity, William Barak and Moshoeshoe team up to take down Punjab! We take a look at one of the primary fronts - the Arabian peninsula. Vaga is under fire, but the Punjabi navy should prevent any flips for a while.

126: Kulin Bell

Now, onto the other major front. The Kulin have a small forward operating force around Rawalpindi, primed to take over Malacca. Meanwhile, we get reminded of the existence of Hazara, and its importance to the war. It serves as a forward base for potential Basotho assaults, Terengganu already in the red and primed for capture, but the Punjabis know and have sent a force to dispatch the town.

127: No Magans?

You may have forgotten about Punjab’s third front up in the north with All-Russia. Checking back on it and… yep that's the classic AI maneuver. Namangan is in the black, but the Wall of Skulls and bad positioning prevent it from actually being captured. Great.

128: Petrograd Pullover

Let's take a pit stop at a more peaceful corner of the world. What about the newly re-energized Soviet Union? Having completely subsumed Germany, Lenin has made his mark as the strongest power in Europe, slowly building his fort up to a high power level. But with the Vandals being torn apart by the Marajoara, he may need to start looking at new horizons to retain his status as a power.

129: Hey Ya!

And for our last slide, we get a cleaner look at the newly consolidated Marajoara Empire. The east is looking distinctly earthy, and that spreads across the deep south and all of Mexico as well. We see glimpses at the juggernaut of the Marajoara war machine, with the vast garrisons across the country. And we also spy the pitiful segmented corpse of the Rio Grande and Dene reservation up in the north. The band OutKast has started making waves there, daring to go against the sacred theocracy by pushing funky beats about isolation and expulsion. We also get a glimpse at the Chukchi lands. Interestingly, at first glance it looks like they are rather empty in America. Is their power over concentrated on the Ice Sheet Fleet?

130: We Built These Cities

Unfortunately, any further developments will have to wait for next week! In the meantime, let us head to the stats! In terms of city numbers, the Chukchi, Marajoara and Soviets establish themselves as the top 3 with 68, 56 and 28 cities respectively! The next 4 powers hover around 20, before a steep decline into All-Russia with 10, and then an even steeper one into the bottom 3 with Rio Grande’s 4, Dene’s 2 and the Gaelo-Finnic settlement of Turku. And yes, we can indeed confirm that the Germans and Malaccans are dead.

131: Toy Soldiers

Here we see the demographics for army strength. The Marajoara lead the pack with a whopping 2.2 million soldiers, with the Chukchi trailing with 1.6 million, then Lesotho, the Soviets and Kulin around 1.4 million before Punjab and the Vandals around 1 million and then All-Russia and the rumps. Funnily enough, the dead state of Germany has a higher military score than the Gauls.

132: Bang

And with that, I bid ye farewell! Its a honor narrating this episode, and I apologize for the tardiness involved. Love for all those involved in production, and thank you for reading! See you next time, internet cowboys.

Episode 32: The More Things Change – S2

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