Episode 34: It All Returns To Nothing

1: TOTAL WAR FOR FOUR ALL GORE TOP SCORE

Yo its me u/Orangechrisy, creator of Malacca and of the Malacca in the Middle comics, back again after 29 episodes, still crying myself to sleep for the past like month due to Malacca getting knocked out- Oh no the tears are coming back T-T MALACCA MY BELOVED I’LL NEVER FORGET YOU!

Anyways, it’s total war time! I have no idea what’s gonna happen but I really hope Kulin dies, no offensive Kulin fans but Kulin should never have outlived Malacca. Also it’s the gay month and I’m gay so that means you have to listen to and accept my anti-Kulin ramblings.

2: Greatest Extent!

u/daXfactorz aka NopeCopter has given us some wonderful greatest extent maps. Seeing Gran Colombia’s though was saddening, they got quite big before their fall, but alas it wasn’t meant to be.

3: New Quiz Just Dropped

u/yaampa aka ItsTruckMonth has brought us a wonderful question, which friend are you? Personally I’m Laos because I’m setting my life on fire by wasting it, and also I like fire.

4: Koffii

Psst, helping BC is fun, they are good lads, you all should drop a dollar or two, nothing bad will happen if you do so, nothing at all... ;3

5: It’s the PR slide!

The Chukchi have retaken top spot as every ranker places them in 1st. They have less army and tech then Marajoara, but those will be shored up quickly. They have a strong production lead and a lot more cities. They also have a lot of nexuses. Jesus that's a lot of nexuses.

Note: 68 and 56 cities feels like way too little for how many cities info addict says they have like half way through this episode. They don’t look like they’ve taken that much on the map and yet they have like double those city counts somehow.

6: Nwarth American

Our first slide of total war starts here in North America, a battleground of the two premier powers. Roughly equidistant from the two’s capitals, it seems the Chukchi have the upper hand due to their mountainous terrain compared to the plains of the Marajoaran lands. We also get to see the last hold out of Rosillo’s once great empire, no doubt they will likely fall within the turn.

7: West African Abandoned

A shot of West African shows that Lesotho stopped their build up of units that had propelled them to take so much of the Vandals as they would rather have nothing. An interesting decision, but not likely one to go well here. Marajoara seems posted to walk right through the African heartland.

08: Those Russian Winters…

It seems to have somehow gotten colder in Russia as the lands now lay divided between the Chukchi and Marajoara. Unlike North America, this land is far away from both centers, but the Chukchi definitely has the upper hand in ability to reinforce. Which means soon the winds of winter will blow across Europe and another ice age will occur.

09: Green Iran

A very empty shot of Lesotho’s northern campaign for the ancient Uzbekistan lands as they forgot they needed to reinforce. Luckily Marajoara does not have many units around either, so Lesotho should have plenty of time to build up defenses.

What do you mean I’m missing something? Pssh, what could I possibly be-...

Oh no

10: The Former Lands of the King

T-T Malacca nooooo… It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Our perfect blue islands now covered in white and purple-ish. So empty of boats too, it’s like they don’t even care about the poor boat craftsmen, sailors, and the culture of the land. I hope at least that we may be put to rest by Kulin getting wiped out because they haven’t built anything.

The icons showing the original founders of cities give me some semblance of peace as I can know that Malacca will never truly go away.

11: The Mexican Armada

Marajoara is hosting quite a Pacific fleet here, easily enough to fend off the Chukchi’s fleet in the area. Although they are all up around Mexico and there is very little around the islands themselves. Maybe Marajoara is planning an offensive into Kulin Hawaii? It’s hard to say. Either way a lot of boats are going to be sent to the ocean floor.

12: Primarily A Reduced Government

Did you know nugatory is a word that means “of no value or importance” or “useless or futile”? Well I didn’t until a minute ago when I looked up synonyms for the term tiny and it showed up. Isn’t that cool? You learn something new every day.

Actually here’s a second cool thing you get to learn today: PARG is on a one tile island during total war and is about to die. Wait, that wasn’t very cool was it. Well at least you learned one cool thing in Nugatory.

13: Empire of the Southern Shores

Here we see the Marajoaran core, it is quite spooky to be honest, or maybe that’s just me. Actually a lot of those units are non-future worlds so maybe it’s not as bad as I thought. Either way they have a built up core, huge cities, lots of units, ready for the fight. Personally, as a purveyor of the color orange, I gotta support Marajoara in this endgame. Also because the Chukchi attacked Malacca and took their land. I am a petty bitch I’ll admit it.

14: Land of the Nexuses

Ah yep, mmm. Oh yeah. That’s terrifying. How many nexuses is that? I’m not going to count, but maybe one of you will. Anyways another fun fact: Did you know that the plural of nexus can be either nexuses or nexus? Ain’t that fun? Word facts!

15: Oh fuck Oh jeez Oh no

Oh god. Oh jeez. Oh no. Oh fuck. Oh lord. Oh jeez. Oh god. Oh lord. Oh no. Oh fuck. Oh god. Oh no. Oh jeez.

16: San Nicolás De

One turn in and we can see Marajoara take the city in Hawaii that is long and I made a pun of for the title of this slide as well as taking the Big River capital leaving them with just one city. The Chukchi on the other hand have already taken Echaot’l Koe from Marajoara. Good on Big River for surviving for more than a turn though, I sure wasn’t expecting that.

17: Pacific Pontificating

P’kuee sends her force straight at N’Dilo, surrounding it while the Chukchi fleet moves south into the Marajoaran Archipelago. In addition, we can see the Chukchi fleet in the north from the bottom of the last slide and a Kulin force surrounding Acholla trying to get in on the fun. One thing of note is that Kulin has 10 planes that we can see while Marajoara has filled their islands with 4 sets of 16 planes, and the Chukchi only have a measly 6 in N’Dilo.

18: Post Actually Real Government

I’m surprised it took 2 turns for them to fall, but Kolchak is finally finding his way to the sub, his attempts to make peace with Lesotho proving unsuccessful at stopping the Chukchi, shocking. PARG had a good run, although if I am to be honest they didn’t do much. They constantly would fight with Great Perm in wars that never went anywhere because of the Urals. They fought with Northern Yuan a lot which was probably their most successful venture, but even then it was a slow process with a lot of pushback that the Chukchi got the majority of the gains of. They also repeatedly fought Uzbekistan and it wasn’t until the very end of Cycle 1 that they made progress there. Their showing in Cycle 2 was one of just fighting some stalematey wars and letting their neighbors get more tech than them. But hey, 7th is a pretty good position to end in.

19: The Russian North

In counter to PARG’s swift death, the other civ of the Russian civil war has not even been touched. Marajoara seems a bit distracted with the Chukchi front, so we’ll have to wait to see how long it takes before Kotka and Tiflis fall.

20: It all returns to nothing

Marajoara takes what I believe is 8 cities off of Lesotho, 3 in west Africa and 5 in the Middle East, pushing directly into that empty core. Honestly Lesotho is on the way out here, they can’t do much to stop the Marajoaran offensive. From here we have to wonder, will owning Africa, Europe, South America, and half of North America be enough for Marajoara to beat the Chukchi? Or will the Chukchi still remain supreme?

21: I see a lot of Nexuses…

We get a shot of the Middle East where we can see 4 of the 5 cities that Marajoara took from Lesotho (the fifth is just off screen but the last slide shows it to be Vaga). And that’s all this slide was meant to show, right? Yeah… Nothing else…

Oh fuck there are nexuses outside my window they are coming for me please he-!

22: Rip Grande

While it's the same turn as PARG’s death this slide is later so therefore Big River gets 6th, at least that’s how I’m declaring it. What is quite amusing here is that the single Marajoaran horse with wings unit (actually it seems elsewhere the slide highlights another of the same unit and it’s Airborne Forces, but I like horse with wings unit more) took Dalu Tue, Big River’s final resting place, rather than the large amount of Chukchi units surrounding the city. Anyways, Rio Grande has finally fallen. They got lucky in Cycle 1 because of their defense bug giving them insane defensive values to where their cities couldn’t be touched, but that was fixed in Cycle 2 and now they have finally seen defeat. Marajoara failed to fight them in Cycle 1 because of that bug, but this time they won. Big River had some nice conquests, but ultimately survived so long because of that defensive bug, a solid showing in the end that could’ve been more.

23: Hawaiian Garbage Patch

The Chukchi fleet surrounding the Hawaiian islands isn’t making much progress on either the Kulin city or the Marajoaran city. My guess would be because of the 42 planes Marajoara and Kulin are wielding, but maybe it’s just the AI being dumb. Either way, there doesn’t seem to really be any reinforcements on the way, at least that we can see. So if this fleet is wiped out then Marajoara gets some well needed safety.

24: Terangganexus

I thought I could get away from them but they keep following me oh god I can hear them coming closer. I somehow managed to escape but they are still coming. Went to a new city, thought I was safe now, looked out the window, machines on the horizon. Giant floating machines. I can’t keep running but I need to get out of here!

25: Nukus more like Nexus

Lesotho loses more land to Marajoara and Chukchi as the front becomes another in the fight between Marajoara and Chukchi rather than Lesotho. Marajoara is trying to send units to reinforce their new holdings but it may be too late, at least they have been able to make gains in east Africa.

26: It all comes tumbling down

A better shot of Marajoara’s African gains as they take the former Nigerian capital and two cities in Ethiopia/Sudan. Lesotho still doesn’t have any units to defend themselves, but at least they have some planes. Also I’d like to point out that P’kuee is running a fascist dictatorship, which isn’t the best not gonna lie.

27: North American FlipFest 2161

Marajoara has managed to take Ciudad Victoria which is impressive (and they retook Echaot’l Koe a turn ago), while Chukchi has taken Dalu Tue. I have no idea what’s going to happen here, but the fact that Marajoara has managed to push through some mountains to take Ciudad Victoria is impressive and shows promise for their future.

28: The Russian Winter

It’s January, and the Chukchi have decided to fully embrace their identity as winter, as they push back Marajoara in Moscow and Tsaritsyn and send a large contingency towards Naantau. Marajoara is trying to send in reinforcements but will it be enough to be able to reinvade Russia in the winter?

29: Polynesian Partaking

The planes have certainly seemed to win the Pacific battle for Marajoara. They pushed Kulin back and took both Santa Brigida and Pehdzeh Ki, as well as taking N’Dilo off the Chukchi. However, many cities are in red and the Chukchi fleet remains much larger than the Marajoaran one.

30: Tumbling down, tumbling down

Lesotho manages to take back the east African cities but loses more to Marajoara and a Marajoaran fleet pushes up against the southern coast. Also everything in east Africa, not just the retaken cities, are in the black, so they could very easily just be taken.

31: The most wonderful time of the year

Our main man Goethe himself has given us a list of the world’s most wonderful people. Though he has the gall to put us at 0? The sub? Not cool dude. I need to send someone to kick Goethe off the sub for this, see how he likes swimming in the Antarctic.

32: Prizerenexus

Nothing has changed much on this front besides more units on both sides.

Don’t think about the nexuses. Don’t think about the Nexuses. Come on Orange, they can’t see you from there, it’s okay, just don’t think about them…

33: Deline so fine

Chukchi takes Deline off Marajoara, a pretty massive city. But on the other hand, Marajoara is launching a strong attack on Khioetoa and have cleared up a lot of units around Ciudad Victoria. Neither side looks to have many planes in the area.

34: Landing in the Land Down Under

Kulin has brought some giant death robots to come fight against the Chukchi invasion which has quickly landed on their shores. It’s been a while since Kulin lost any land on the continent (rip Malacca) but it seems Chukchi won’t be stopped.

Come on Orange, just breathe, in out in out. *inhales, exhales, inhales exhales*. They aren’t here for you, it’s just Kulin. You don’t like Kulin, it’s fine. Don’t worry. Don’t look outside. You’re safe here…

35: Ciudad Conquest

I stand corrected on Ciudad Victoria’s safety as Chukchi takes it right back, clearing up Marajoaran units across the front. They also take both of the two Hawaiian cities they couldn’t take earlier. Let’s see if Marajoara can push them back.

36: You must fight!

Everyone is trying to peace out and we’re not having it. You all need to fight, FOR OUR ENJOYMENT. All of you in this forsaken cylinder are here to appease US. FIGHT GODDAMMIT!

Anyways Kulin cities are dropping to red fast, and if I don’t think about the nexuses then they aren’t there. That’s right, not there at all…

37: It all returns to nothing

Marajoara pushes into Butha-Bethe, Jos, and Mbuji-Mayi but loses Lubumbashi and Vaga (and I think an island in the east). However, they are bringing quite an assortment of reinforcements and Lesotho still only has planes. Also, I’m trying to do Komm Susser Tod for these Lesotho slides but I’m not reading ahead so I have no idea how long Lesotho will last so I have no idea if the lyrics will fight right. Although you all won’t see that because I’ll edit the slide titles around afterwards to make it fit properly.

38: And-I-Ran

Andijan and Nukus fall to the Chukchi as they start bringing in a greater variety of units rather than just nexuses (they can’t see me don’t think about them they can’t see me don’t think about them). Chukchi also surrounds Prizreni as Marajoara have taken back Tsaritsyn, but they will need more units if they want to fully defend against this Siberian invasion.

39: Tiflost

The USSR is down to one city now, and that city is in the black. Next turn they will likely see their end. Chukchi have taken Naantali and Mikkeli too as we see in greater detail Marajoara’s Tsaritsyn counter attack. Looking at the units though, Marajoara seems like they are bringing in more reinforcements than Chukchi, that European production base is helping them a lot. However I have no idea if those eye wing units are good or not compared to Chukchi’s composition.

40: North America FlipFest 2163

Two years after the first, back by popular demand, it’s the North American FlipFest! Ciudad Victoria flips back to Marajoara, Echaot’l Koe flips to the Chukchi, and Khioetoa flips to Marajoara. Wonderful. Some absolutely marvelous flips here today.

41: North America Flipfest 2164

Wow two years in a row! Ciudad Victoria and Khioetoa flip back to the Chukchi! Quinaoutatoua also prepares itself to join in the festivities soon, let’s hope they can make it.

42: Turkish Invasion

Chukchi retakes Tsaritsyn as they also push into Petrograd, Prizreni, and Peje. Marajoara just doesn’t have the units to defend itself against the SIberian horde. It’s like the Mongol invasion in the 1200s pushing into Anatolia and eastern Europe. Though this time it may not end there.

43: Kotka Waiting

Okay I know I said next turn and it’s two turns later but like how was I supposed to know that the AI wasn’t going to take the city and instead just stand around it for two turns? Or maybe it’s just El Cid somehow keeping them alive. Google says he was a Castillian warlord during the Reconquista, I’m not sure if that will help him here but I’m not one to judge he seems to be doing a fine job.

44: Down Under Drowning

The Chukchi take the rest of Indonesia off Kulin and take another continental city. They also push right onto Uluru and damage nearly every Kulin city. There’s not much time left. Also, on the right the Chukchi have taken Caratateua from Marajoara, although I think that happened a few turns ago when we last saw this area. I’d also like to point out that Marajoara took the northern island of New Zealand a turn or two ago and it flipped back to Kulin.

45: Pause the Music

Things aren’t tumbling down this turn? Well, that’s good for Lesotho. They have garnered up a decent army of mechs to fight off the invading Marajoaran forces, taking back all a bunch of cities. Good on them.

46: Kotka Hiding

I can see you there. You’re on the minimap. I know you haven’t fallen yet. I know this slide is supposed to focus on the fall of Nizhniy Novgorod and the weakening of Marajoaran reinforcements, but I’m just upset at Kotka not falling. I feel justified in this.

47: Harcourt Shot

Not much direct progress this turn but the Chukchi push on Port Harcourt and Vaga, although their offensive into Pristina stopped. Marajoara seems more focused on sending units towards Lesotho. Those 16 planes in Caput Vada are going to be a lot of work in this defense.

48: Corandead

Just pretend they aren’t there. If you can’t see them then they don’t exist. Don’t look out the window. It’s going to be okay Orange.

Ahem, where was I? Right, the Chukchi are pushing fully into Australia, taking the northern half of the continent. Corandeerk is in the black and there are units around every city. Though it is amusing that they just walked past Marnebek, it seems they didn’t want Uluru just yet.

49: I just keep letting me down

Marajoara retake Butha-Buthe and Mbuji-Mayi as they have also cleared out the Lesotho units and prepare to walk in with many of their own. I surely can’t be wrong this time when I think that they are about to die.

50: Kotka Falling

And with that, 11 turns into total war, the last rump dies. The USSR was an incredible turtle, expanding a bunch early and then turtling. With a few bouts of invasions. They positioned themselves early on as the behemoth of eastern Europe. With a strong showing in Cycle 1, they decided to emulate that in Cycle 2. Once again settling a lot of cities and focusing on science. And with that they pulled off an incredible conquest of Germany, a true blitzkrieg of the blitzkriegers. But alas they couldn’t hold up to the Marajoaran war machine and the SIberian winter, and now they find themselves dead. Welcome to the sub Lenin.

51: Land of the Lakes

Quinaoutatoua flips a bunch down to 1 pop and Khioetoa flips back to Marajoara. The northern Chukchi offense seems to have fallen through as their units focus more in the south. Marajoara though have many units in the north but aren’t pushing with them. If they did push I think they could take Dalu Tue and retake Deline, but they are just sitting back.

52: Letting me down, letting me down

Marajoara has sent their southern fleet around to take Maseru, a really good capture. Lesotho’s capital is also in red but luckily Marajoara doesn’t have land units in the vicinity. Lesotho also has a number of units around Madagascar (also is it just me or is Madagascar really oddly shaped here?), so they should be able to retake Maseru if Marajoara doesn’t send more fleets that way.

53: Maori’s Revenge

I saw Maori but this mk didn’t have a Maori so more like Tahiti’s revenge I guess? Either way, the Chukchi take even more cities off of Kulin and most of their other cities are surrounded and low health. Oh, and Coranderrk flipped. It won’t be long now until they finally bite the dust.

54: Pacific Problems

Finally we get another good shot of the Pacific front, Marajoara and the Chukchi have traded a few cities, but Marajoara has a seemingly strong hold on the region. Though they aren’t sending in more reinforcements, they do have the advantage in planes. But most importantly, Monte Carmelo was founded! In the middle of a warzone a few brave individuals sought to create their own home, how heartwarming! Hmm? It’s just a military base and not a feel good story about finding a home for themselves? Well I like my story better.

55: Mmm… Flips

Echaot’l Koe flips, Quinaoutatoua flips, Monterrey falls to red, Khioetoa falls to red, San Nicolas falls to black, everything is coming up fliptastically! However, the Chukchi lands seem quite devoid of units right now and Marajoara has moved south to surround Quinaoutatoua so it seems like a Marajoaran counter attack is on the horizon.

56: Kotka flipping

The last holdout of the USSR flips to the Chukchi as they continue their slow advance forward. They also take Tampere. The complete lack of planes is quite noticeable though, as none of the other Marajoaran cities have taken damage while even Naantali remains in black from the Marajoaran air force. Do the Chukchi have enough strength in their men to beat a lack of air power? So far it would seem so, but it is still uncertain.

57: Pristine Capturing

And here we can see another example of that no plane offensive, as the Chukchi take Pristina. They are also making a strong push into the Polish/Ukraine region. I’m beginning to think the eye wing units just really aren’t very good against stuff like the Nexuses. Oh god I said their name they’re gonna find me again. HELP!

58: Burn it down!

A first of total war (I think) as Echaot’l Koe gets burned to the ground, or more likely (as the highlight points out), nuked to dust. The Chukchi decided that FlipFest was just so not fun that they had to put an end to it. They also took Monterrey and didn’t completely destroy it, good job. The Marajoaran reinforcements though are quite large in number, so they may be able to retake a lot of this.

59: Black and Yellow (and Green)

More cities fall to the Chukchi as I try not to think about them (they can detect thoughts and will find me if I say more). However Coranderrk has managed to get back to green somehow, good on them. Also, Santa Brigida gets destroyed, this time by P’kuee’s hands. I don’t know who goes first but because the slide with Echaot’l Koe’s destruction was first it happened first. I don’t make the rules.

60: Pause the Music 2: Electric Boogaloo

Another shot of Africa where Lesotho has taken back Maseru (as seen on minimap), and Marajoara hasn’t taken anything in return. Really making it hard for my Komm Susser Tod lyrics to flow properly here. Though, Marajoara now has a really large force on the border and Lesotho has very little. But they will likely take back Butha-Buthe in the next turn or two.

61: Frankfalling

I know Frankfurt isn’t important in this slide, it’s in the red just as it was last time, but puns are more important than info. Anyways, Peje has been retaken by Marajoara and Port Harcourt seems to have flipped a few times. The reinforcements in the north for Marajoara have been whittled down a lot. Those planes really are saving Marajoara.

62: Land down under the boot of Lawtiliwadlin

In quick work the Chukchi take 4 more cities off Kulin, leaving them with just two left. It’s hard to tell who owns one tile islands, so I’m just assuming Kulin has just these two cities left. Both on the verge of death. Next slide with them will likely be the death slide. Oh boy another obituary time.

63: You’ve gotta be Yering me

This is what I get for not reading ahead. I say things and then am immediately proven wrong. Eumemmerring falls and immediately all the units around it move to complete the encirclement of Yering. Next slide with Kulin for sure…

64: Munic-10

The Chukchi take Helsinki off Marajoara and make a push towards Munic-10 and Frankfurt. All these cities besides Frankfurt are full health though, so they really need planes if they want to make quick work of things. But for now it’s just going to be a long slog.

65: Tumbling down

Mbuji-Mayi falls as Marajoara pushes once again, this time with many troops. The Chukchi also are sending units to attack the eastern coast, but Lesotho has the majority of their units there to defend it. So many cities in black. Things are not looking good.

66: Pacific Pushing

The Chukchi push back into N’Dilo and Sicca, and surround Acholla. The lack of Marajoaran units is not doing them any favors as their cities are in the red and they can’t defend themselves. Yet somehow Marajoara has managed to take Maribyrnong. It won’t last long but it is kinda funny. Also Marajoara founds another military outpost, though I can’t read the name since it’s behind the Next Turn button.

67: Stats Time!

We get a quick look at some stats where we see that the Chukchi have a commanding lead in cities at 143, Marajoara well behind at 103, Lesotho at 13, and Kulin managing to still have one. Based on the minimap Yering fell so I guess they did have another city somewhere, not sure where though.

68: Flex those Muscles!

The military manpower stats show a greatly different story, as despite the Chukchi’s 50% more cities, they only have about 4% more soldiers. In addition, despite Lesotho having only 13 cities, they still command over a million troops, making their army about a third as big as either of the other two powers. Also with this, we can see that everyone else besides the 4 civs still alive are fully dead, no units to their names.

69: FlipFest Time?

Only Khioetoa flips this time. I’m beginning to think the eye wing units can’t attack cities. Also, both powers have settlers in the area, wanting to resettle the remains of Echaot’l Koe, though based on the tiles owned only the Chukchi will be able to settle. But their nearest settler is about to be killed. Oh those poor settlers.

70: Tumbling down

Butha-Buthe and Lubumbashi flip and Mbuji-Mayi falls to the Chukchi. Also the whole army the Chukchi had around the golden horn seems to have disappeared. Lesotho is fairing a lot better than their Australian counterpart.

71: All quiet on the eastern front

This looks nearly the same as it did last time we saw it. Maybe a few more units on both sides. The Chukchi still lacking any planes and Marajoara still lacking enough units.

72: Not as quiet on the eastern front

There we go, that’s more like it. Frankfurt falls to the Chukchi. However, the city will likely be retaken given all the Marajoaran units around it. Not sure what had brought Frankfurt down to black a while back or why it stayed (maybe the rocket artillery), but they may need to change things up a bit for the non-zero health cities.

73: Home of the Aussies

We get a shot of the last Kulin hold out, Kaduna in the south of the Indian Ocean. The city rests on 0 health, but does have some planes, a ship, and a rocket artillery. I’m not sure if those units Lesotho has can take cities but if they can, then it’s rip. If they can’t, then Kulin may live for a fair bit longer.

74: Planes vs Nexuses

Don’t let them see you Orange. Just stay put. It’s going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay…

The Chukchi “fleet” of large floating war machines has taken Acholla and Monte Carmelo as they also surround Pehdzeh Ki. However, the Marajoara has 57 planes on the islands, so it’s going to be a tough fight. Units without plans vs no units but many planes.

75: Petrosnipe

Marajoara decides to retake their lost city and grab back Frankfurt! Wait, sorry. They retake Petrograd? Well, I mean I guess they can do that. Sure. (Though Frankfurt may have flipped, it did get its pop cut in half but that would indicate only one flip while since it is in Chukchi’s hands that would mean two flips, so it could’ve also been nuked a bit). Also, Turku has fallen.

76: End of a Life

Totally am not just using a Vtuber’s song title as the slide title, not at all… Anyways it seems those ships can’t take cities as Lesotho brings in another ship to take the city. And with that, Kulin is now fully dead. As the Malacca stan, I gotta say I didn’t like Kulin, they got big because Anangu built up a large army but when Kulin attacked they sent the entire army in the ocean for no reason at all allowing Kulin free reign over the continent. They got into a lot of wars with Malacca and although Malacca won like all of them, Malacca couldn’t push very far. Then they did something big and crazy at the end of Cycle 1 by taking all of the Mapuche out and giving themselves a massive power base in South America. Sadly for them, Cycle 2 set them back to their island start, as trying to start settlers in both places just wouldn’t work out (the settlers would all just go on a journey back to Australia iirc). Thus Marajoara was given free reign over a continent and Kulin was back to being cut off from doing anything by Malacca. The fact that they survived longer than Malacca I will never forgive them for though. I am coping and seething rn. They go out in 4th place.

77: The Empty Lands

Rather than a city being settled, the unowned lands have now been claimed by nearby cities, leaving a large city gap in the middle of the continent. Marajoara has retaken Monterrey, though they have lost a city in Baja California (or on the Mexican coast, not really sure, the box on the minimap covers it up). They also still just have the eye wing units in front of Quinaoutatoua rather than units who can take cities, but at least they have a lot more units around then the Chukchi, plus planes, lots more planes. 57 planes vs 2 planes.

78: Tumbling down

Okay there we go, more Lesotho falling, I think. They did retake Vaga. Sigh. Anyways, Marajoara retakes Mbuji-Mayi from the Chukchi but the Chukchi still retain hold of Port Harcourt that they took a few turns ago. Marajoara really likes those eye wing units. Maybe at some point I’ll ask Coiot or someone else on the discord what they are called, but not right now.

79: Kaput Vada

The Chukchi slowly send more units into the Mediterranean. They are still yet to lose Frankfurt too. But all their cities are in the black up to Prizreni while Marajoara’s cities are all in good health. Planes man, crazy things. 48 vs 0.

80: Slow Push West

The Chukchi retake Petrograd and maintain their hold on Frankfurt. Marajoara is really struggling to retake cities even though they are managing to kill like the Chukchi’s entire army.

81: Guess who’s back, back again

It seems the founded city was Santa Brigida, the second one, after the first one got destroyed. Also I sure am glad I don’t live in Caesarea, but luckily I think I got the nexuses off my scent. Just needed to entice them with Marajoaran and Kulin cities. Though despite the 15+ nexuses surrounding the city it hasn’t taken damage yet, but there is no Marajoaran army in sight.

82: Born Again in the Flames

Our first resurrection of Cycle 2 (I think) has Lesotho somehow taking Abuja from Marajoara and liberating Nigeria. However, as we can see, they immediately were put into war and killed again. Fun times. Didn’t even live long enough to get it in a slide. Does this make Nigeria 4th now? I don’t know how we are doing those rules, except if Malacca is resurrected, then they are immediately moved up in the final placements.

83: Frankfurt’s Return

Frankfurt finally falls back into Marajoara’s hands as the Chukchi offensive dries up. They have very few units on the front line and while Marajoara’s forces are mostly eye wing units, their planes are ensuring that the Chukchi forces are kept subdued.

84: Please just take it already

While they finally figured out what a melee unit is in the east, that information is yet to reach the west where they still are yet to retake Quinaoutatoua. Monterrey also flips back to the Chukchi as they send some reinforcements to Quinaoutatoua. The rest of their North American lands are looking mighty empty though.

85: Phoenix 2: Electric Boogaloo

Moshoeshoe casts his other shoe after retaking Hazara to liberate Punjab this time. And they didn’t immediately die again so we get to see their city. The Chukchi lands seem quite barren for what used to be an area completely covered in Nexuses. Also, it may be a bug but it says they have declared war on Kulin, Taiping, Malacca, and Northern Yuan all of whom are fully dead at this point. But the top left shows the actual wars they are in.

86: Ensuring of Death

Marajoara makes a strong push and retakes Abuja from Lesotho and Port Harcourt and Peje from the Chukchi. They need to get more units in there though rather than just planes and eye wing units. They can hold a line but they can’t push.

87: New Novgorod

Nizhniy Novgorod falls back to the Chukchi as well along with a better shot of Peje. The Chukchi offense has really just evaporated as I count 28 Chukchi units on screen in total (yes including the one right above the Om city next to the date). Anyways I’m gonna use this slide to say god how much mucus can one nose make? Being sick sucks. Never ending blowing of my nose.

88: A Soul for a Soul

Lesotho retakes Hazara as the total war has no care for who resurrects who, but at the same time they retake Vaga from the Chukchi and resurrect the Vandals there as that was somehow originally a Vandal city. The Vandals will immediately die of course but it’s the thought that counts. If only Lesotho could reach Terangganu and release Malacca…

89: Flip in the East

Nizhniy Novgorod flips back to the Chukchi but the front is devoid of units on both sides. The Chukchi have some rocket artillery and stuff in Norway and Marajoara has some eye wing units in Denmark, neither seeming too committed to the fight.

90: Another Soul for Another Soul

Vaga falls back to the Chukchi and this time we see Moshoeshoe retake Mbuji-Mayi (not sure from who, it was owned by Lesotho in the last slide) and liberate Zaire there. Though with all those units around them Lesotho will take it right back. That is the way of the total war: Lesotho giveth, and Lesotho taketh away.

91: Criss Cross!

As total war forces Lesotho to retake Mbuji-Mayi from Zaire, they retake Vaga again and liberate the Vandals again. Lesotho really did just wake up and choose the option of “screw you” to the total war. Also Peje falls back to the Chukchi.

92: Still pretty quiet on the eastern front

Pristina changes hands and more units show up on both sides it seems, but everything is pretty quiet otherwise. Also I assume that one plane in Tsaritsyn is what is keeping Frankfurt in the red and for that I think they are a poor brave soul.

93: North American FlipFest 2175

It’s back, baby! FlipFest returns with Khioetoa, Quinaoutatoua, and Monterrey all flipping. Laredo drops to yellow and Monclova remains in the black. What excitement! The Chukchi do seem to have more units than last time but Marajoara has a lot more overall even though they refuse to push.

94: Just Random Fighting

Pristina is retaken by the Chukchi as both sides decide to just send some random units to go fight each other. Also some of those units are Marajoara sending in what look like Alligators. I have no idea what they are supposed to be but I hope they can take cities.

95: Oh What a Flip!

Marajoara makes a big push and retakes Ciudad Victoria and Deline. The Chukchi have a lot of units all around but we will have to see if they will defend things or if they will get picked off by planes. Also I would like to point out that the Vandals have survived a turn so far, so honestly I think that counts as them being back. They’re moving up to fourth. Good job lads.

96: Back Again

Lesotho had taken Mbuji-Mayi and Jos the last turn or two and now Marajoara has taken them both. Vaga also fell but then got retaken by Lesotho and reliberated. They just won’t stay down.

97: Dettah Dilema

Despite the Chukchi units surrounding Monterrey and now Ciudad Victoria, Marajoara didn’t lose either city and instead pushed to take Dettah and Teotoguiaton, although they lost Deline in the process. It seems like the Chukchi reinforcements are too little too late. And also those fleets in the Pacific can’t take non coastal cities Lawtiliwadlin, you need actual land units.

98: Fourth Time’s the Charm

Yep, that’s the fourth resurrection of the Vandals. Fits with their fourth place (I don’t care what the actual way of doing rankings is, this is how I’m saying it is). Lesotho also retakes Jos but loses Kananga in the process. Lubumbashi somehow still remains standing too.

99: Crumbling in the North

I’m not sure how they are doing this, but Marajoara managed to stop focusing on the eye wing units and are now barreling through North America. Gameti and Deline both fall (although Teotoguiaton is retaken). Luckily for the Chukchi, Gameti is on the coast so their many boats can help there, but it seems the land war has fallen decidedly in Marajoara’s favor.

100: Sneak past their s i g h t

Remember to just stay calm. Try not to think about them. Don’t say their name. They won’t find you. *peeks through blinds* OH GOD THEY ARE STILL HERE.

So I thought those units could take cities but maybe they can’t? Since they are surrounding like three cities and they aren’t falling. Marajoara walked right into Monte Carmelo, Acholla, and Pehdzeh Kiwith one ship each and retook them as Caesarea took no damage despite being surrounded for a while. Planes man, gotta love 'em.

101: Laredon’t

Monterrey gets retaken as the land units the Chukchi had get knocked out. Ciudad Victoria is being attacked by ships despite not being a coastal city. And Laredo hosts a huge army of alligators, eye wing units, and planes ready to push back the Chukchi and retake Monclova and Monterrey.

102: A try at a counter attack

The Chukchi retake Gameti predictably as they also try to push on Dettah. But their counter attack can only amount to so much when they have no planes. Marajoara also retakes Teotoguiaton. If they manage to take Dalu Tue, the entire Hudson Bay coastline will be under one rule after so long of it being divided.

103: Kaput Vada Idk it’s the same joke

The Chukchi also try to push in the Middle East as they send a bunch of Nexuses towards Caput Vada, though with a bunch of defending units and 12 planes in just the city itself I think it’ll hold. Plus 16 more planes in Cirta, Cologne, and Leptis Magna each.

104: 5 times the power

Yes, I know it’s been on the side for the past few slides but the Vandals did get resurrected for the 5th time. I don’t know how turn 754 went as the slides skipped it, but they got resurrected again this turn too. Also, Marajoara has slipped a unit by and taken Teyateyaneng, but Lesotho somehow managed to retake Thaba Tseka off in the lower left corner. Marajoara seems to have forgotten to have any fleets at all, seemingly anywhere.

105: Destruction Derby

Pehdzeh Ki gets destroyed as the Chukchi army moves to surround Santa Brigida and Zama. The Chukchi and Marajoara also swap cities in Caratateua and Acholla. And Marajoara looks to settle New Caledonia. Maybe Santa Brigida will get destroyed next turn for some reason and they can found it for the third time.

106: Stats 2: Electric Boogaloo

Yes I do use this joke too much when doing narrations. No, I will not be changing. Here we see how Marajoara has managed to stay so strong despite the Chukchi having 50% more cities. Absolutely insane production. Though this doesn’t explain how Lesotho has anywhere near as much army as they do despite only 3k production. The Vandals, bless them, have 22 production. Remember: They are fourth, not Kulin.

107: More Manpower

Since we last saw 18 turns ago, Marajoara has gained about 20k soldiers, the Chukchi have lost about 250k, and Lesotho has lost about 40k. I have no idea how Lesotho is surviving this long, they messed up my Komm Susser Tod.

108: Sayonara!

For the final slide of this episode, we get a nice little religious map, showing how dominant the Nigerian, Chukchi, and Marajoaran religions are. Anyways, it has been wonderful to be able to narrate the penultimate episode for all of you guys. Though while narrating my internet did die for a few days and I got covid so it hasn’t been that wonderful, but like, that’s separate. Vandals are gonna win. Peace!

The Neutrals are still dead (they’re on a 437 turn streak!). This has been your daily Neutrals update.

Episode 34: It All Returns To Nothing – S2

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