Episode 35: Monsoons and Snowstorms

1: Reindeer vs. Crocodiles: A Song of Ice and Nuclear Hellfire

At last, the dawn of the final day is upon us! It is in the following scenes that the outcome of this season will be decided, and there’s no consensus as to who will win it all: could it be the Amazon-dwelling Marajoara, or will it be the Chukchi of the icy north? Or, if you’re incredibly naively optimistic, maybe Lesotho? No matter who you foolishly bet on, there’s only one way to find out.

The first half of this episode will be brought to you by Admiral Cloudberg, who needs no introduction, and the second half will be brought by LacsiraxAriscal, our game runner for season 3, who also needs no introduction. With that out of the way, let us begin...

2: Guess'd correctly?

Coiot: Look back at the intital projection for the game with Aaron's Voronoi projection. How did things fare for your favorite competitors?

3: Is That Goku? I Don’t Dragon Ball

Yaampa celebrates the strangest moment of last episode, as fan favourites the Vandals return to the stage in dramatic fashion, once again throwing Power Rankers into hot disputes about official final rankings and generally sowing the ideal amount of chaos into our grand finale.

4: Once Again, Thank You

Thanks, as ever, to everyone who has donated. Not only have you made this series possible, but you’ve made CBRX3 possible too.

Coiot: Once again a personal thank you for everyone that chooses to donate, even just $1 at a time, to keep the show going. This season would not be possible without those listed here, and I hope those in the community reading will help us through the gap between seasons to continue the momentum. Any amount really goes a long way, and I know many have used $1 on lesser stuff worth your time every month which would make a big difference here.

5: The PRs

Despite the Chukchi making slightly more ground last episode, the Power Rankers felt more confident in the Marajoara’s chances of seeing out the finale, as the Chukchi failed to catch up in production and have a potentially crippling allergy to air units, severely affecting their ability to progress quickly and efficiently through enemy lands. But P’kuee still has to take advantage of Lawtiliwadlin’s weaknesses if he wants to prove the Power Rankers right.

6: Now serving only the best plutonium cheese

We kick off the episode with an overview of North America, where we can see the irradiated wasteland formerly known as Wisconsin, created by the use of a nuclear missile against the city of Deline. This comes as part of a Chukchi counterattack in North America which has not only wiped a city off the map, but also resulted in the capture of Khioetoa and a brief flip of Dettah since we last saw this area at the end of episode 34.

7: Biotitans in Baja

Farther to the southwest, the battle for Baja continues, with Marajoaran biotitans facing off against Chukchi nexuses across the Gulf of California. Since we last saw this area, the Marajoara have retaken Monterrey, but the situation remains highly fluid.

Meanwhile behind the front lines, a low-level Chukchi bureaucrat discovers that San Nicolás de los Garza has too many letters to fit into the input field for the official Chukchi Annexation Form.

08: Alexa, play “Still Alive”

Over in Africa, the Vandals exist, although their existence is a wretched one, condemned to be constantly liberated and then killed again by their liberators mere moments later. Farther to the west, front line cities continue to flip back and forth interminably, as Lesotho recaptured Teyateyaneng but lost Lubumbashi sometime in between episodes 34 and 35.

09: Frankfurter free-for-all

In Europe, the jump to episode 25 has seen Chukchi take Frankfurt again, as Lawtiliwadlin slogs his way forward against what looked two weeks ago like a potential Marajoara counterattack. Looking at it now, however, the two sides seem about evenly matched, and who gets the upper hand here is anyone’s guess.

10: Hark! Numbers!

The denizens of the Babylonian sub have granted us a look at the statistics, namely the number of cities. This figure doesn’t seem to have changed much since the end of episode 34, as the Chukchi still have way more cities than the Marajoara. Nevertheless, last time the Marajoara had almost twice as much production and slightly more military manpower, so...

11: The Tide Turns

...oh. Well, the Chukchi seem to have regained the lead in military strength, although very narrowly. From these stats it would seem like I have to give the edge to the Chukchi, but what about the all-important production?

12: Winter of Discontent

Never mind, seems we won’t be getting any production stats. Instead we get an overview of the southern part of the Chukchi core, where Advanced Destroyers and Nexuses are plentiful, as are settlers for some reason. It’s not clear where Lawtiliwadlin would go with those settlers, nor does it seem like he should be founding new cities, seeing as his empire is discontent which I assume means he has negative happiness. That could be a liability going forward if he doesn’t get it under control.

13: Just a quick, in-and-out anti-Lesotho operation, how hard can it be?

Over in Africa, both sides are still struggling to make any headway against Lesotho, despite an overwhelming advantage in firepower. Marajoara now has an abundance of melee units in the form of Biotitans—the monstrous green things—but this has not yet produced the breakthrough we were hoping for at the end of the last episode.

The Vandals are alive again though, so there’s that. Another turn, another resurrection, only to die again, Dark Souls style.

14: Rise, Fall, Rise Again

“Why do you keep bringing me back?” Genseric pleads. “Just let me die!”

“S̸͉̳͑̒ṳ̶̧̜̗̯̬̝̼̾͊̓̿f̶͚͖̝̺̓̈́̕f̵̣̜͂̊̉̈̓͊́ë̶̛͍̹̬̏͆̽̈͛̉͝r̵̛̜̼͑͊̿̏i̷̩͔͂͘ņ̵̦͙̺̼͎͚͓̮̲̞̆͌̈́͘ͅģ̷̫̰̹̜̟͍̖͈̦̣̟̹́̕ ̶̝͔̭̙̞̬̦͖̗̗̉̍̈́̆̂̽͌͊̀͋͜͠i̷̗͓̤̮̠̙͒̑͝ş̸̧͉͇̦̤̮̙͈͈͋̊͋̆̋͂̑̕͝͠ ̷̛̛̫̬̦̯̦͍̭͈͎͕͖̻͕̭̫̊̄͆̈́̀̑̍̑̒̊ş̶̢̨̪̙̫̯̯̼̹̹̣̦̈́̽͜ͅä̵̧̢͇̳̞̞̫̮͈̫́͊͒̿̑̃̅̍̆͂͋͘͝ć̷͇̯̰̝̠͍͉͖̂̒͒̋͊̑̐̃̎̐̀̐̚̕ͅr̸̨̡̡̩̬̹̣̒͊è̴̥̠̓͐̌d̸̛̜̏̒̀͠,” Moshoeshoe replies.

15: Showdown in the Arctic

In our first look at Scandinavia so far this episode, we can see that the front line hasn’t moved much since the end of episode 34, but the Chukchi are clearly on the offensive, with a massive swarm of Nexuses ravaging the island colony of Dusseldorf. The city will surely fall, but where will the swarm go next? Marajoara’s defenses here seem thin.

16: The Rains Down in Africa Are Made of Metal

The front line in Africa has not changed at all since we last saw it, but I will take this opportunity to point out that Marajoara no longer dominates in terms of air forces. P’kuee has 16 planes in this image, while the Chukchi (who formerly had no planes to speak of) now have 10, and Lesotho has 19.

17: Side note, but where the hell is the Colorado River?

In North America, the Chukchi seem to be making a major push, capturing Dettah and embarking on a flanking maneuver to cut off Monterrey and Ciudad Victoria.

18

[Any chance we can strike this scene? It’s identical to scene 16.]

19: West Coast Best Coast

Lawtiliwadlin’s flanking maneuver has paid off as the Chukchi take full control of the west coast of North America. And with Laredo in the red and a nexus nearby, we might be looking at an imminent collapse of this front, which is bad news for Marajoara.

20: They’re Quming for your Quthing

The Chukchi have begun to make minimal progress on the African front in the two turns since we last saw it, capturing Quthing on Madagascar and putting the Vandals out of their misery yet again. Of course, that probably won’t stop Moshoeshoe from attempting to prolong Genseric’s suffering even more in the future.

21: The Swarm Descends

Over in Europe, the Chukchi have launched a massive push to overwhelm Marajoaran forces on the continent, capturing Vipuri and threatening Porvoo, Munich, and Cologne. Combined with their setbacks in North America, it looks like P’kuee’s defensive line might be starting to crumble around the world.

22: Fall of a Capital

The fall of Laredo, the former Rio Grande capital, is a momentous event. If P’kuee couldn’t defend this metropolis, can she defend anything?

23: Island Hopping

Farther to the southwest, Marajoara’s Polynesian holdings are utterly collapsing as the Chukchi capture numerous cities. With a swarm of Nexuses running roughshod over the sparse Marajoaran defenders, this entire region will surely be painted blue before much longer.

24: Handing It Over

Lacsirax here! Taking over for the next set of slides. When Cloudberg said “first half of the slides,” he meant, you know, a little half. I’m gonna be taking things quite quickly, because there’s a loooot of slides to get through, and I know you all just want to see how this show ends. Let’s roll…

Little progress on this front since last time we saw it, except that the Vandals are back yet again. At this rate they seem a safe bet for #2, surely? P’kuee’s forces still far outclass Moshoeshoe’s, but they seem almost terrified to approach the Lesotho front.

25: All Quiet on the Wild Western Front

The Marajoara recover somewhat on the American front, retaking the Rio Grandese capital as well as Monclova. This front doesn’t seem to be a priority for either party, with the real war taking place in Eurasia, as both sides of the border are barren of units. You’d suspect the Marajoara production base would kick in here soon, but will it be too little, too late?

26: Spot the Lesothoan Industrial Exclave

Vaga falls once again as the Marajoara continue to seem too shy to approach Lesotho, while the Chukchi seem to have left this front altogether. It seems the constant warring has left all sides a little exhausted, and it might be a while before things start picking up again. In CBRX1 the game stalemated after a while - could we be seeing the same thing happen here? Well, we do still appear to have a lot of slides left…

27: Stalemate on the Oder

The Chukchi have recaptured Porvoo but appear no closer to taking Munich, despite their clear superiority on the land. The Marajoara already seem to have retreated to a stronger defensive backline at Breslau and Berlin.

28: Kaput Vada

The Chukchi have momentarily seized control of the Eastern Mediterranean, but their hold seems flimsy, with P’kuee’s ships ready to roll back into Crete. My mum’s on holiday in Crete right now. I hope she’s alright.

29: Irrelevant, but My Cat’s Turned Up and Is Trying to eat My Arm

Munich inevitably falls, but it feels like the Marajoara might be starting to turn the tide, at least going off the boots on the ground. Cologne and Frankfurt both look vulnerable too. Still, this is only reclaiming territory they recently lost - we’re a long way yet from a Marajoara reversal of fortunes.

30: She Does This a Lot

The Chukchi are certainly making more progress in America, despite (or because of?) the relative lack of units on both sides here. Laredo and Monclova are retaken, and Saltillo and Quinaoutatoua join them. It does look like the Marajoara have the units to at least flip the cities. The Chukchi have also resettled Wisconsin with the settlement of Ilurney.

31: It’s Significantly More Annoying than Cute

If there’s any sign more telling of P’kuee’s current misfortunes, it’s that even Lesotho are fighting back now - retaking Mbuji-Mayi, Jos and even a distant Abuja. But the Marajoara have at least reclaimed a hold on the East Med, taking back Port Harcourt and Caput Vada.

32: Especially When She Starts to Dig Her Claws In

P’kuee strikes back, expectedly flipping Saltillo and Quinaoutatoua while also wiping Ciudad Victoria off the map. It still looks to the naked eye like she has the greater numerical advantage here, but that hasn’t translated into a meaningful fightback yet.

33: Or Gets a Bit Too Toothy

In fact, in just a turn Saltillo falls back and the Chukchi go one further, seizing Matamoros. They’re almost in South America! That would be an ominous portent. At least P’kuee retains some naval supremacy in the Caribbean.

34: My Friends Say It’s a Sign of Affection

If there’s one takeaway from this shot, it’s the supremacy of Nexuses. (Nexi?) The Chukchi have maybe half the units of the Marajoara in this region, but most of them are Nexuses, which P’kuee continues to forgo building. And resultedly, another original capital falls - Berlin.

35: I Think She Just Wants Me to Feed Her

The Chukchi dominance over the Pacific continues, as yet more Nexuses swarm the Galapagos, having swept up every other Polynesian island in their path. The blue tide flows ever closer to the shores of South America.

36: I’m Literally Soaked in Feline Saliva

P’kuee engineers something of a comeback in Scandinavia, taking back not only Porvoo but Viipuri too. Kotka has been a fairly reliable holdout for much of the recent war, despite seeming difficult to keep supplied. If the Marajoara could get a navy through the Straits of Jutland, they could deal some pretty serious damage to the Chukchi Baltic.

37: It’s Absolutely Vile

The Chukchi retake Quinaoutatoua and also take Andachkhrob for what it’s worth. On all fronts, it doesn’t seem to matter how much Marajoara look better on the ground, or indeed in the air, they’re bleeding territory.

38: Why Did We Buy You

If you’re wondering why these Polynesian islands don’t just fall immediately… Well, Nexuses are great for most things, but attacking amphibiously isn’t a strong point. Still, Thenae has fallen and it’s difficult to see Tripolis holding more than a couple more turns.

39: I Guess You Are Kinda Cute

The Marajoara have been such wonder-whores in this game, they’re only a fraction behind the Chukchi, who by this point have a far superior lead in terms of cities held. Moshoeshoe retains a respectful seven.

40: I Really Wish You’d Find Another Pastime Though

The European front continues to ebb and flow, with the Marajoara once again conceding Berlin but having more success in the Balkans, taking Cologne and Frankfurt. Notice how damaged the Chukchi cities are compared to the Marajoara ones - that’s gotta be holding Lawtiliwadlin back just a tad.

41: I’m Trying to Write Here

Moshoeshoe is probably twiddling his thumbs, amazed that his nation has somehow escaped the superpowers’ wrath thus far. Abuja falls back to P’kuee, but it’s clear Lesotho is no one’s priority right now - has that diagonal line of Marajoara units even moved an inch?

42: It’s Pretty Hard When You Keep Eating My Wrists

Once again the Marajoara look to be on a fightback, retaking Matamoros, Saltillo and Quinaoutatoua, and on the doorstep of Laredo too. They certainly seem to have the numerical advantage, but thus far it’s not helping them do much better than stalemate.

43: First Contact

More worrying though is the fall of Tripolis, and with it, the first Nexuses to land on South American soil. This army could either wreck the main Marajoara production base, or perform a pincer attack on Mexico - both situations are pretty disastrous for poor ol’ P’kuee.

44: Pour Out the Port

On the other hand, it finally feels like there’s tangible progress in Europe, as Berlin and Port Harcourt are retaken with nothing bled to the Chukchi in the exchange. Lawtiliwadlin is running out of his magic weapon here - there’s only a couple of Nexuses on the front line.

45: Nexuses Are Just Like That

But every time I say a nice thing about the Marajoara, I have to eat my words soon thereafter. Berlin and Frankfurt both fall back to the Chukchi despite their dwindling forces in the region.

46: Jimenez Ho

It appears the Polynesian contingent are focusing on the pincer approach I floated earlier, venturing north in the direction of Jimenez, as both Matamoros and Tampico fall without their input. Tapereba on the hand takes only token damage.

47: Looks Quite Lush tbf

The Chukchi core is a puzzling sight - their land armies are almost entirely dispersed to the front lines, as they should be. But you can’t help but think they must be able to find a use for the absolutely huge navy that’s still sitting outside their harbours. Throwback to when Kosovo founded a city in northern Siberia. Gjilani still stands proud.

48: Same As It Ever Was

The European front continues to flicker, as the Marajoara gain Berlin but lose Cologne. They’re still fielding what appears to be far numerically superior forces, but they’re just not the right forces - their refusal to join the Nexus party is seriously stymying how much they can achieve.

49: Shameless Plug

It doesn’t seem long ago that this area was a bloody warzone - and lest we forget, look at all the citadels still plonked around Kasur. Central Asia may be quiet here, but it’s a very busy time for the region in the Civ V modding world - if you haven’t already, check out the Crossroads of the World event going on at the moment, where many fantastic new mods covering this oft-overlooked region are being released.

50: Same As It

As in Europe, the North American front is still very tit-for-tat, as the Chukchi and the Marajoara continue to exchange the same set of front line cities. P’Kuee will need a breakthrough here sooner rather than later - it may not feel like it, but the Chukchi are *very gradually* moving the front lines in their favour.

51: Samen’t As It Ever Wasn’t

Less gradual is their assault on the coasts of South America, as Jimenez falls and Tapereba is made the next target. The Marajoara have managed to retake Matamoros, just off the top of the screen, but this is one front the Marajoara can’t really afford to be contesting, especially as the Chukchi core remains untouched.

52: Respite

More luck in Europe, as Munich falls back to the Marajoara for the first time in a good while, alongside Frankfurt. But Lawtiliwadlin seems to have restocked his Nexuses, so I suspect any gains here will be startlingly short-lived.

53: Reminder: There Are Still Three Civs Left

Oh drat, thinks Moshoeshoe. Someone’s remembered we’re here. The Chukchi send some tentative Nexuses to the Seychelles. They’re not particularly good at attacking one-tile islands, as I said before, but it’s still worse for Lesotho than the current norm of being completely ignored.

54: Starting to Feel Like We Could Call This One

Tapereba falls to half health at the centre of the screenshot, but I’m drawn right to the very top of the screen, where we can see Matamoros is the latest city to be blown off the map. If I’m being charitable, I’d say it’s one less city for P’kuee to attempt to take back. The minimap also shows the Chukchi breaking into Greenland for, I believe, the first time.

55: It Feels Really Odd Writing “P’Kuee’s” with Two Apostrophes

Little has changed in North America, except that P’kuee’s numerical advantage appears to have vanished. That was really the only thing the Marajoara had going for them. Andachkrob falls but Saltillo stands - I think the Caribbean fleet is working mini-miracles for the Marajoara at the moment.

56: The Cat’s Gone Now, btw

A city trade as Jimenez is recaptured but Tapereba falls in its stead. What once seemed quite a scary army of Nexuses does appear to be evaporating, with few reinforcements coming. In the sidebar, it appears Lunar’s having a hard time keeping the two at war! I can’t say I’m surprised. I think I’d want a bit of a break if I were a citizen on the cylinder too.

57: In My Defence, There Are a LOT of Slides

Astonishingly, Lesotho have been left alone so long they’ve boldly strode back into Abuja, and it doesn’t look like anyone’s even going to bother contesting it this time. The Chukchi look to have a much firmer grip on the Eastern Med now, with Cirta falling into their hands for the first time (that we’ve seen, at least. I’m not meticulously combing through every minimap).

58: And the Cat Is Back

And speaking of firsts, Aleria appears to have had its first flip of the war too, though it’s sure to return to P’kuee’s hands imminently. Same goes for Breslau, but that one looks much more securely Chukchi. As much as the Marajoara are slowing the Chukchi’s advantage, they’re still not reversing the general direction of this war.

59: She’s Now Kneading My Stomach

The population of Matamoros may have been wiped out in a blast of nuclear hellfire… but the cows are still alive, thank God. Jimenez and Tapereba swap once again, in an explosive dosey-do.

60: I Am Not Dough, Nell

Lest you think the entirety of the Marajoara lands were facing constant invasions at this point… Well, they mostly are, but there’s a lovely little haven in the south Atlantic that’s free from action. I also spy an XCom in this shot, once a ubiquitous sight in CBRs of old, but a unit that hasn’t seen much action this game.

61: Nell Is the Cat’s Name

The Chukchi dare to wander a little further south, but a Marajoara crack force blocks them from confusingly-named China. They’re definitely dwindling in numbers here, but as we’ve seen in other portions of the map, that doesn’t seem to matter too much to the Chukchi.

62: What Are You Hoping to Achieve, Nell

Another original capital falls as Kandoucho flies blue colours for the first time. Lawtiliwadlin definitely seems to be focussing more on Canada than the States, possibly hoping to meet up with his European forces on the other side of the Atlantic - or perhaps just finding more success in places where the Marajoara navy isn’t.

63: Oh Yeah, to Get Me to Feed You

The Marajoara do manage to reclaim Abuja, but by this time Basotho forces are swarming into the Sahara. The Chukchi also continue to work their way up the Mediterranean coast, taking Bulla Regia while once again conceding Cologne. Aleria staying blue is a terrible sign for P’kuee - that seemed to be a fluke capture destined to fall back.

64: Fine, I’ll Feed You

The Marajoara continue to contest the Canadian front, retaking Cenabum (which had briefly fallen) and Quinouatatoua, a city whose name I am frankly sick of typing out. It doesn’t look like Lawtiliwadlin really has the forces yet to press the attack here any further than Canada - his mighty navy could theoretically navigate the Arctic passages, but has yet to do so.

65: Back in a Second

It is telling how many portions of the Chukchi Empire are just… completely fine. They’re not having to defend every front simultaneously like the Marajoara are. Eliminating the Kulin seemed like a bit of a waste of resources last episode, but they’re definitely enjoying having whole swathes of their empire distant from any potential enemies.

66: Alright, I’m Back

Bizarrely, the Marajoara manage to retake Berlin even as Breslau and Aleria remain out of their grasp. Scandinavia on the other hand seems firmly in Lawtiliwadlin’s hands now - I’ve not seen Porvoo flip in a long time.

67: Hopefully That Should Be That

The Chukchi have managed to fit two cities in the gap formerly occupied by Ciudad Victoria - Valkall’an, which sounds a bit like Valhalla, and a city that’s slightly cut off on the west coast. The Marajoara attempt something of a fight back in the flyover states, sending Nexuses ( :O ) to Ilirney. They’ve also got some Nexuses attacking Cenabum to the north! Are they finally learning?

68: She Did Absolutely Leg It to the Cat Bowl

Lesotho have spent so long being ignored by the Marajoara*, that it must have come as a rude shock when Mbuji-Mayi was captured once again. But wait… ah, that explains it, it’s the Chukchi! It doesn’t look like they’ve committed too much to the invasion, but then it never really looks like that, does it?*Before minimap watchers call me out, yes, I know the Marajoara briefly captured Teyateyaneng of all cities.

69: In Fairness It’s Ten to Nine

The Chukchi sweep through America, even taking Reynosa, but still failing to break through to the coastlines. It’s a real sticking point for the Chukchi, with them unable to put any pressure on P’kuee’s Atlantic armada - but still, taking over the whole of the American heartland bodes badly for the Marajoara.

70: I Would Usually Have Fed Them By Now

A few cities swap hands in Europe, with Cologne falling back to Lawtiliwadlin while P’kuee picks up Aleria and Caput Vada, surrounding Bulla Regia but failing to finish the job. A sole Nexus also goes for the unthinkable on Pristina - an original capital, remember! Indeed, P’kuee has more Nexuses than Lawtiliwadlin now, which could be an interesting sign of things to come.

71: But You Know, I’m Busy Writing

Ah, or the Chukchi Nexuses are elsewhere. Well I can’t blame them for opening another front - the mainland front wasn’t really going places. Instead the Chukchi seize the Faroe Islands stronghold of Stettin and land significant forces in Scotland.

72: Desterrible

Lawtiliwadlin makes some progress on the bugbear of the Atlantic, taking Saltillo and the newly founded city of Desterro, which has replaced Matamoros. But it’s come at the price of abandoning his South American ambitions for now, with Tampico, Jimenez and Tapereba (off-screen) all handily in Marajoara hands.

73: Breakin’ On Through to the Other Side

A couple of turns later and token progress has turned into a huge breakthrough, with Lawtiliwadlin pushing the Marajoara off North America, relegating them to the Atlantic Provinces of Canada. Niagara and Onguiaahra may fall back, but what’s important is that the Chukchi have pushed the front a whole row forward. This is a war of attrition, but it’s assuredly moving in a single direction.

74: How Do You Lose a Nexus?!

Danzig is captured by the Scottish crack force, but it might have come at the cost of Lawtiliwadlin’s hard fought gains on the mainland, with Aleria back in P’kuee’s hands and both Munich and Frankfurt on the front lines once again. On a more negative note for P’kuee, he appears to have misplaced all those Nexuses he built.

75: Tripol Threats

Meanwhile an unlikely fightback begins in the Pacific - with South America pacified, P’kuee wants to eliminate any risk of it happening again by retaking the important naval and air bases of the Galapagos. But further north, Tampico falls back to the Chukchi and in a very worrying development, the once safe Caribbean is suddenly threatened as a fleet of Nexuses surround Michilimackinac.

76: Nell’s Asleep Beside Me Now

Lesotho, the absolute mad men, gun for Abuja again and take it, but they’ve spent so long ignoring the Chukchi in Mbuji-Mayi that Lawtiliwadlin has accidentally wandered into Kananga too. Still. They’re alive, eh?

77: I’m Very Grateful

With the collapse of the European Nexus force, P’kuee’s gains don’t last long, and the Chukchi once again sweep into Berlin and Aleria while holding Danzig. Are we getting close? I think we’re getting close…

78: She’s Very Pretty

Lesotho realises they lost two cities to the Chukchi and quietly take them back, but that annoys Lawtiliwadlin enough that he sends Nexuses back to reclaim the Horn of Africa, and even takes Abuja! No fair, Lesotho fought hard for that one! P’kuee takes advantage of the sudden chaos by sending a single unit to Lubumbashi and taking it. It’s that easy.

79: When She’s Not Trying to Eat Me

Now this is worrying. The Chukchi encroach on Greenland in not one but two directions - capturing Kattowitz while setting the stage for an attack on the east coast with the conquest of Vienna. The Atlantic was meant to be where the Marajoara had an indisputable advantage, right?

80: Mmm and Now She’s Back to Kneading Me

Well, that advantage is indisputably ebbing away, as Kakouagoga falls to the Chukchi and doesn’t look in particularly imminent danger of falling back. South America is still “safe”, but it’s hard to say for how much longer - Tampico seems firmly in Chukchi hands now, but for a lone Marajoara Nexus.

81: Like She Just Continually Presses Into My Stomach with Her Paws

The Marajoara manage a surprise fightback in Europe… but I don’t have to tell you that’s not gonna hold, do I? Look at all those chickens!

82: And She’s Back to Licking My Wrist

Lesotho confidently retake Lubumbashi. Like hell are they gonna lose cities to the Marajoara! No, they’ll lose their cities to a *real* power! True to their word, they cede Hlotse to the Chukchi, who are now committing a serious number of Nexuses to this invasion.

83: Am I Really That Tasty?

So much for the Pacific rebuttal… the Marajoara forces disperse to Hacienda San Jose, while Tapereba falls to, er, a Chukchi worker. Jimenez is surrounded by a more frightening force. The Marajoara core is devoid of units. This is bad.

84: Surely I’m Just Sweaty

The Chukchi clean up a few of the outlying Lesothoan islands, and move forces toward Madagascar and Mohale’s Hoek. I think we all thought it was pretty nailed on that Lesotho would fall to the Marajoara, and I think the Chukchi getting there first would be a big indictment of how badly the Marajoara have fumbled total war.

85: At Least Now I Don’t Have to Shower

In case there were any doubt… yes, that Chukchi navy is still ready to pounce. At this point, even if by some miracle P’kuee pushed back the Chukchi forces, could they even hope to make any assault on the fortress that is the Chukotka homeland?

86: That’s a Joke

Kakouagoga falls back to P’kuee but only briefly, while the west coast of South America looks increasingly safe in the hands of blue. Juventino Rosas, a Mexican violinist, cannot save you now, P’kuee.

87: I Am Showering So Hard After This

The Chukchi manage to snipe Hannover, leading the Marajoara army to descend upon Bermuda - the island must be of some incredible tactical importance to them, as they’ve moved all the forces that were bothering Niagara and Pesqueria Grande to the island. They do manage to sneak a Nexus back into Florida, though.

88: I Am Dripping in Saliva

Not checked in Europe for a while and… oh, my. So much for the stalemate. The Chukchi make serious breakthroughs, including the original capital of Gaul and the entirety of Great Britain. What’s that phrase the American election pundits use? It’ll come to me.

89: It’s As Disgusting As I’m Making It Sound

Lesotho engineers a much more impressive fightback, pushing the Chukchi out of sub-Saharan Africa, but losing Madagascar in the process. At this point, I would genuinely not be surprised if they finished second. I almost think they deserve to.

90: Still Very Pretty Though

The Chukchi add Sanharao to their collection, the first Atlantic city on South America they’ve captured. It won’t hold, but every city they push forward is a city on the lines behind they no longer have to defend. Onguiaahra is retaken, too.

91: My Other Cats Don’t Do This

The Marajoara are pushed out of France and Ireland, leaving their European holdings limited exclusively to Iberia. P’kuee has only scattered forces left in the area, and there’s zero chance of returning the front line to its once-stable location in Germany.

92: Well That’s a Lie

Lesotho hold strong-ish meanwhile, ceding Kananga and Mbuji-Mayi to the Chukchi but holding up decently well considering the amount of Chukchi Nexuses simply wandering through the Lesothoan countryside.

93: Benny Also Loves Licking Wrists

You remember when this was a front line? Doesn’t seem so long ago, does it? The Chukchi have even managed to fit another city onto the continent, Vankaremen in/near Colorado. The Marajoara navy continues to drift off the coast of Florida, but they seem increasingly impotent.

94: But Not Mine, Weirdly

I’m sure if we ran a hundred CBRs, a civ from Australia would one day manage to break out of their home continent and take over the world. Actually, if it weren’t for Endgame, the Kulin could’ve been the ones to do it. Now though, Australia is simply another peaceful backwater of the Chukchi dominions.

95: Exclusively My Mum’s Wrist

Lesotho is sadly starting to fall apart, with the east coast crumbling away to the Chukchi and both Lubumbashi and Teyateyaneng seriously threatened. The Chukchi are probably benefiting greatly here from Marajoara air forces, which is likely what’s keeping the Lesothoan cities at near-zero health - it certainly isn’t the nonexistent Chukchi airforce.

96: I Wouldn’t Mind But Nell Does This at 7AM Some Days

Sanharao predictably is back in P’kuee’s hands, but Michilimackinac is the newest city to be sporting ice-blue colours for the first time. The Marajoara have a navy seemingly designed to keep these coastal cities at zero health without being able to capture them.

97: It’s Not an Ideal Way to Wake Up

In a genuinely impressive show of strength, the Marajoara stage a stunning multi-front invasion of the western Mediterranean, recapturing Italy and southern France, and just off-screen Bulla Regia in Libya. I’m not going to pretend it’s anything it isn’t - a last gasp - but I’m still impressed.

98: Benny Is Short for Mr. Bennet btw

Greenland on the other hand is a lost cause. Completely isolated from the rest of the Marajoara Empire and suffering attacks on both sides, it’s a matter of turns before the Icy Empire gains the iciest of islands.

99: Named After Alan Bennet

The Chukchi continue to waltz through Lesotho, with Moshoeshoe relegated to just three cities. They’ve held out a lot longer than any of us expected. Nothing but respect.

100: But Also the Character from Pride and Prejudice

The Marajoara now find themselves attacked on a new front, with the Chukchi attacking their African holdings more voraciously than Lesotho ever could. Lagos is the first city to fall, and while the Chukchi attack here isn’t particularly forceful at the moment, it’s sure to intensify.

101: The One That’s the Really Smart Patriarch of the House

…Okay, I’ll bite the copium. Is P’kuee actually resurging from the dead here? It would be one hell of a comeback, but they’ve pushed the European front almost back to the borders they started the episode with. It does look a bit like it’s petering out, but I didn’t exactly expect them to get this far, so anything’s possible.

102: Ironically, Benny’s an Absolute Idiot

They also retake Michilimackinac, even as they seemingly abandon Hannover and put their focus back on the east coast instead. They still retain air superiority in the region… by having four planes.

103: A Real Himbo of a Cat

The southern portion of Greenland is completely overtaken, with the Marajoara relegated to the iciest bits of an already very icy island. But the ice is where the Chukchi thrive, P’kuee. This is still inevitable.

104: Now Nell Is Sitting Directly on My Stomach

Lesotho are down to a measly two cities, with Maseru being the newest to fall. You know what they say - prime your F keys.

105: Nell, That’s Where My Laptop Is

Magdeburg is the next Greenlandic town to fall, with Stuttgart sure to be next. What holds out longer - Greenland or Lesotho? I think it’ll be a tight one.

106: OWWW!

Italy is recaptured as the Chukchi push back into France. The Marajoara army in the Med is still fairly impressive, but it’s nowhere near big enough to be anything other than a distraction.

107: Claws Away, Lady!

The African front is starting to heat up - no new city captures since last we saw it, but a considerable Chukchi force is now pushing on Bulla Regia, and hovering outside Kano too. Look at cute little Machu Picchu outside Lubumbashi. Easily my favourite wonder model.

108: Why Do I Just Take This

It’s tit-for-tat as the Chukchi take Bulla Regia and the French cities while losing Leptis Magna and Panormus. As long as the Chukchi have zero naval presence in this part of the Atlantic, I’d expect the flipfest to continue a while.

109: I’m Whipped by My Cat

Lawtiliwadlin seems to have forgotten he was successfully invading the Marajoara homeland, leaving his colonies virtually unprotected. Even P’kuee seems surprised, sending only a few token scouts into the region, probably expecting them to be wiped out immediately.

110: It’s Never Ending

Just the capital left. It’s nice to at least go out with your original capital, you know? A noble way to go. And you get to spend your last days in your lovely palace, not some weird hut in the Antarctic somewhere.

111: There Is Never Enough Wrist Juice for Nell

The Marajoara push back a little in the Atlantic, finally retaking Hannover and Onguiaahra while threatening both Niagara and Kakouagoga. It smacks of too little, too late, but we’ll see out their little resurgence.

112: Lesothohno

Well, it was inevitable. Thaba Bosiu falls as the Chukchi… hey, wait a minute! That’s not fair! You didn’t do any of the work! After completely ignoring Lesotho for the entirety of total war, the Marajoara ignobly take the penultimate kill, eliminating Lesotho in third.

Third. Blimey, did any of us see Lesotho making it this far? Never mind at the start of the game, even at the start of Endgame? But it was hardly undeserved. While Lesotho were never the flashiest of competitors; for most of Cycle 1 they stayed out of too much trouble, using Zaire (and Zanzibar I suppose, remember them?) as something of a buffer against the undisputed titans of Africa, Nigeria - before surprisingly benefiting from a coalition war that split Zaire between them and Nigeria right at the end of the cycle. Still, in Cycle 2 most had pegged them as early food for Nigeria. But as the latter failed to impress, Moshoeshoe took the initiative to transform Lesotho into Africa’s leading light. They never truly broke out much further than that, making some incursions into the Middle East but leaving the Vandals for other nations to take apart. Still, they held out for a considerable time in Total War, and they leave the Cylinder with bronze medals and their heads held high!

113: Ka-no Mercy

The Chukchi, robbed of their deserved prize of Thaba Bosiu, retaliate by taking Kano, moving the front ever closer to another original capital, Hippo Regius. Lilybaeum in Spain also falls, the first time a city in Iberia has turned sky blue.

114: I Think I’ve Remembered That Pundit Phrase

And here’s a clearer view of that, showing France in firm Chukchi hands too. The Marajoara have managed to retake Ireland per the minimap, but it appears their naval superiority is being subsumed by the sheer force of, you guessed it, the Nexus.

115: Nell’s Gone Now, Anyway

Tampico falls back to P’kuee while Onguiaahra returns to Lawtiliwadlin. The Marajoara have once again pushed the Chukchi off their home continent, though - it definitely feels like, fittingly, this will be the final battleground of the game.

116: Guess She Got Enough Wrist Juice for One Day

Greenland did outlive Lesotho, but there’s only the one holdout now, and it certainly isn’t long for the world. As we enter the home stretch, I might start making these comments even briefer. Also because the episode’s meant to be out in an hour. Oops.

117: I Am Very Grateful

Hadrumetum falls and with it the Chukchi have full dominion over the whole of the Arctic. Fantastic for the propaganda posters, I’m sure. It also means this army is now free to move further south and finally snuff out the little Marajoara rebellion in Europe.

118: I Am Still So Damp

Though they might not need much help, as Tacape is the next city to fall to Lawtiliwadlin. Panormus is an incredible hold out, but it’s a sign of the pure naval dominance of the Marajoara that they’re only really able to hold on to islands now.

119: Incidentally, Titling Slides Is My Least Favourite Part of Narrating

Proving my point, West Africa is almost entirely deserted of Marajoara units now, the last few attempting a last stand at Hippo Regius - incidentally, one of only two original capitals not held by the Chukchi, so a pretty important city to defend.

120: Can You Tell?

Florida and Bermuda fall back to the Chukchi, but this front is otherwise pretty stable. The Chukchi will need to find a navy here if they want to make more tangible progress.

121: There Are Only So Many Puns on City Names You Can Make

Panormus still holds as P’kuee incredibly manages to take back Bulla Regia, but surely not for long. The armies clashing in the Western Med are actually some of the most densely packed forces we’ve seen all episode. This really is P’kuee’s last stand.

122: I Think My Cat Saga Was More Interesting

But just like that, the Chukchi flood through West Africa, in an attack that surely didn’t just take one turn… well no, we’ve had a bit of a turn skip. Evidently there were a few corrupted slides, so we’re eight turns in the future now. And… well, look at that minimap.

I’ve seen enough. The Chukchi are the winners of CBRX2. Now let’s watch them do it.

123: But I Guess I’ll Leave Judgement Up to You

Thaba Bosiu fell to the Chukchi before the little time skip, but here’s confirmation. It’s another original capital safely in Lawtiliwadlin’s hands.

124: How Many of You Even Read the Titles?

Jimenez is gone. Cuba is safely Chukchi, with Nexuses converging on the Lesser Antilles. But more depressingly for Marajo fans, they’ve even lost an inland city on their home continent, Bichos. It will certainly fall back, but it’s a damning portent given the next city on the chopping block is their capital. Their final original capital.

125: Hell, By This Point, How Many Are Even Reading the Narration?

The Marajoara complete their takeover of Africa, taking the final holdout of Onitsha, pleasingly once the sole colony of the Marajoara on the continent.

126: If You Are, Thank You

Bichos is indeed recaptured, but Sanharao, Cajueiros and Ilha dos Marcos all fall to the Chukchi, and of those only the latter looks possibly reclaimable. Chukchi forces are starting to outnumber Marajoara ones on their home continent - and they’re mostly Nexuses, to boot.

127: Cos This Has Taken Ages

The Marajoara Atlantic hegemony falls away as Chukchi forces invade the scattered islands of Ascension and Saint Helena. They’re not necessary cities for the Chukchi to pick up at this point, but everything must fall.

128: And It Hasn’t Even Been a Very High Effort One

As suspected, Ilha do Marcos does fall back, as the Marajoara launch something of a final stand, their armies amassed around Bichos.

129: But I’m Sleepy

But it’s all for nought, as Ilha do Marcos falls again with no movement the other way. The Marajoara still retain absolute air superiority, but it hasn’t done them any favours thus yet, and it’s not about to start now.

130: Pax Americana

North America is now as peaceful as the core Chukchi territories, its eastern coasts no longer marauded by Marajoara ships. The cities here start to rebuild and regrow.

131: Security for Security’s Sake

In the actual Chukchi core, there’s no longer a need to throw every unit at the front lines, and every city is completely protected by a ring of Nexuses. But who could they be defending against? There is no one left to attack them.

132: Bravery in the Face of Defeat

The Atlantic is empty. Aba has fallen, and there are no Marajoara ships worthy of retaking it. Despite everything, they do not mourn their final days but celebrate them, entering a terminal golden age.

133: Minutes to Midnight

The Marajoara army has dissolved. Camutins is now the front line. And it’s in deep red health. Remember: that’s the final original capital left. You know what that means.

134: Tick… Tick…

The Marajoara at least have something of an empire left, even as Tapereba on the coast falls once again, a front that had long been forgotten.

Alright, that’s enough procrastination. Get ready.

135: Boom

There it is. Camutins falls, and with it, the Chukchi are victorious. They join Brazil and the Moors in the hallowed ranks of CBR winners - and become the first Siberian civ to not be a crushing disappointment in the process. It was a hard fought game, with so many frontrunners throughout the months, but the Chukchi were always among the leaders, a permanent fixture of the top 10 of the power rankings since Episode 8. Truly a deserving winner, and an entertaining civ to boot. And with that, another series of CBRX comes to a close.

Only kidding. Let’s finish this off properly.

136: Siege of Camutins

Camutins might fall back yet, with Marajoara androids surrounding their old capital even as their leader flees south. But the Nexuses amassed near Bichos ensure that any recapture will be a brief one.

137: That Great Engineer’s Doing Fine Though

They don’t even get the chance, as the Chukchi consolidate their city and sweep through China in one fell swoop. The city. Not the region. They own that already, remember?

138: The Falklands Are a Famously Safe Place to Hide Out

P’kuee meanwhile has fled to the Falklands, and the old Nigerian settlement of Benin City. A reminder, of course, that even the mightiest of empires fall.

139: Technically the Chukchi Have Un-Won

The Marajoara do manage to retake Camutins. Back in the game! Maybe not.

140: I Kind of Miss Nell

Yep, sure didn’t last long. The Marajoara have also retaken China, but Nexuses continue to swarm through South America.

141: She At Least Gave Me Something to Write About Here

Another area that was a battlefield at the start of this episode, though life here clearly isn’t as peaceful as it is elsewhere in the Chukchi Empire - the cities are largely very damaged, which means they’re probably still being bombed by the Marajoara for some godforsaken reason. The Chukchi resettle the Jimenez region with Nutepelmen. Sounds like an innuendo but I can’t quite make it work.

142: I Feel a Bit Lonely Without Her

China and Pacoval fall. Familiarly we see the Marajoara holding out on the Atlantic coast, but I’m not sure it’ll last as long this time.

143: I Know I’ll Eat These Words

Indeed, the Chukchi begin to attack from the other direction, taking the desolate Antarctic city of Thagaste, once a Vandal colony. Oh, I never eulogised them. They are dead again. Just in case there was any doubt.

144: Just Like She Eats My Arms

The Marajoara do appear to have conjured an army out of nowhere, but it only prolongs the inevitable. Nexuses also swarm south in the direction of Curuxis.

145: Pacoval’s Canon. Look, I’ve Got Nothing Else

Tipasa (off-screen) and Pacoval do Cururu both fall, leaving the Marajoara confined to what was once the Mapuche core. Curuxis will surely be next.

146: You’ll Need It!

Meanwhile a small Marajoara fleet got the message that Polynesia was a target, and they’ve decided to take advantage of the aerial raids. Good luck guys!

147: Not Long Now

Curuxis and Ilha de Fogo fall next. The Marajoara are down to the final five.

148: Two Down, Three to Go

It’s not the continent that goes next though, but Zama Regia and Thapsus, taken by an embarrassingly small contingent of Chukchi ships. It’s effortless at this point. The Marajoara do make a last-ditch ploy to take Ilorin back, though.

149: Sayoumara

But they do not. In fact they never take another city back ever again. The remaining cities fall to Lawtiliwadlin next turn, and the Marajoara are eliminated in second place, with just a few civilians left to their name.

The Marajoara had a strange early life. South America was a strange continent in general, as - with the exception of a miserable Peru-Bolivia - no civ seemed to especially excel over the other. Marajoara were always the local tech leaders, but like many science-hounds, seemed somewhat uninterested in warring. Eventually though they managed to subsume all their neighbours, allowing them to exhaust each other with wars and gradually sweeping through the remains, taking over the former lands of Gran Colombia, Palmares and Paraguay before finishing off the Mapuche. Rio Grande’s defence bug stopped them from making any real progress north of the Caribbean, however. This left them in a unique position in Cycle 2, with not especially powerful buffs but with an entire continent to themselves. This proved enough to transform them into a clear frontrunner, able to sweep through the divisive North American nations while also finally able to break through into the former lands of Nigeria and the Vandalic Empire. But this did take them far longer than it should’ve - they had clear superiority for many years prior, and perhaps if they hadn’t waited so long to complete these invasions, they’d have been in better stead to fight Total War. Statistically they had the edge over the Chukchi coming into the war, but they were beaten by a better makeup of units and having significantly more isolated fronts to defend than the blobby core of the Chukchi. Still, there’s little shame in second place. And more to the point, I’d never heard of the Marajoara going into CBRX2 - now I certainly won’t forget them.

150: War’s Over, Let’s Party!

Their former lands still burn, but will at least be able to rebuild now, at peace once again. Understandably, the Chukchi enter a golden age.

151: But For Real, Fuck Among Us

Here to paint a glorious landscape to celebrate their victory is the iconic Japanese artist Sesshu, his name unfortunately bastardised into an Among Us reference. If I hadn’t formally stated it already, here it is: the Chukchi finish in first place.

The Chukchi weren’t particularly on people’s radars coming into the game, with their isolated start thought to be fairly useless considering the frigidity of the land, not to mention them sharing a direct border with the Part 0 favourites, Northern Yuan. But as we all know, whoever the PRs rank 1st in Part 0 are doomed to do terribly, while civs in Mongolia are doomed to be disappointing, and so Chukchi took advantage of their relative safety. But not in the way we expected. Like Malacca to the south of them, they commanded an incredible naval empire, making short work of nearby oceanic neighbours like the Chinook and Japan, also dispatching the equally overhyped Manchu. At the end of Cycle 1 they’d established a fine empire stretching across the Bering Strait.

They got off to an equally good start in Cycle 2, and after the collapse of Nigeria, became a frequent fixture at the top of the Power Rankings. They played very similarly, commanding a naval hegemony that even managed to overpower Malacca, focussing on the Pacific coasts while only occasionally foraying further inland, seizing swathes of America in a peace deal while finally proving able to break Northern Yuan after many years. After that, their land forces finally started to hold a candle to their navy, and at the outbreak of total war they swept through Asia and never looked back. What makes the Chukchi such an exciting winner is that their success came from a very unique and very situational strategy; alongside Malacca, they’re the first civ to turn naval supremacy into something other than a brief exciting flash in the pan, using it to carve out a significant portion of the map. Congratulations to Lawtiliwadlin, as well as Senshi, who joins Firaxis and Pouakai in the hallowed hall of victorious mod creators. Though, er, he made the Marajoara too. So that was already a bit of a foregone conclusion.

152: Can’t Believe the Marajoara Have Blown Their Production Lead

For old time’s sake, here are some stat slides. But er. I’m not sure if you’re learning anything from this.

153: Imagine the Micromanaging

264 cities. It’s important to remember… this map is significantly smaller than the Cycle 1 map. Woof.

154: For Context, That’s Three Times Bigger than the US Army

This essentially confirms that, yes, the last remnants of P’kuee’s army are dead. Neutrals in sixth though. Get in there lads.

155: See You Soon!

And finally a religion map, which shows us that the Chukchi even managed to win the faith game.

That, I’m afraid, is your lot. Thank you so much to everyone for sticking around for CBRX2, especially those of you who have contributed money towards the project. With your money (and my own) I have bought a shiny new computer. On that shiny new computer I will be running CBRX3. We’re currently in the testing stage still, so don’t go expecting Episode 1 in two weeks, but we’ll hopefully be able to get the show running sooner rather than later. Thanks to everyone’s who’s narrated episodes for us this season, anyone who’s made OC, all our power rankers, our cartographers, and anyone who’s just stuck around to watch. See you all very soon for CBRX3.

Coiot: Keep coming in to check on the sub every now and then throughout the Summer of 2022 for the release of CBRX Season 3. We hope to begin again before the end of the season. Until next time!

Episode 35: Monsoons and Snowstorms – S2