Episode 6: Capitals Storming

1: Here we go again

A wonderful welcome back to all sub sailors out there. Here is u/Framonti who’s speaking. The weather today is beautiful, perfect for staying at home and watching digital pixels fight each other in the second edition of CBRX. So take a big breath, fasten your seatbelts and get ready for the sixth episode. Will we see the first elimination? How many cities will be burned? How many innocent civilians killed? Will your investments pay off? So many questions, only one way to find out.

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But first, a contribution from our wonderful community. And today is not a meme! u/SeroSedSerio gifted us with a picturesque map of the latest city-states, Wales. This civ has been torn apart last episode by the Gauls and they have formed a government in exile in Ireland.

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Let’s make a visual recap of every event so far, shall we? u/Vihreaa makes the job easier for everyone with the Tile-accurate map. The USSR border is just so sexy.

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u/ARedundantSofa gives us another perspective with their BabylonMap. The civs are rushing to fill the last remaining unsettled holes, and now almost all civs share a border with two or more neighbours

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Last week the PR team gave to Punjab the top spot, for the second part in a row. The competition is fierce, but they are setting themselves up for a major role in this CBR. Will they use their advantages? If yes, how? If no, why? Well, there’s only a way to check it out.

6: The Last General

We resume this episode with the Welsh fighting for their life against the Gauls. The latter are pushing against the last enemy city after conquering, settling, and (mostly) burning down the Welsh homeland. However, they're probably still a bit drunk after all that razing and are forgetting to reinforce the expeditionary force with melee units. The Welsh have submitted all their remaining civil and political power to the Last General in Casnewydd. He’s trying to coordinate his remaining few troops, his life and position on the line. Not an enviable position

7: The powder keg of Europe

Two Sicilies take back Gjakove with a Carrack. Thanks to their UA, they've automatically upgraded their whole Navy after researching Compass. This also means they have unlocked the Galleass. Having ranged ships could actually swing the war in favour of the Italian representative. They need all the help they can get, since on the land Wilhelm II has the upper hand.

Last episode Two Sicilies and Kosovo also made peace, so the Balkanic civ keeps his capital after a back and forth fight.

08: By all accounts, it doesn’t make any sense

Don't tell me. Mississippi finally captures Sukhutit?

Yep.

And immediately burns it down?

Most likely.

Bring it on.

Sigh, it would have been such a nice city to have. Will Sanish (which is in deep black) or New Town suffer the same fate?

09: Curtains all falling

Vietnam joins (again) the city-state club as their capital is taken by the Taiping. They may be able to flip it once or twice but that's it. Unless they somehow pull a Trung Sisters diplomacy move.

10: The Vandal Reconquista

The Vandals consolidate their position in Spain bringing more supplies and units from North Africa. Still, it’s unlikely they'll be able to push further. Carlos III must use this little breathing window to reinforce his capital (for example, building walls. Just a suggestion, Carlos). Somehow, Spain is in the Medieval Era (we can spot some pikemans), but has no composite bowmans.

11: Happiness is a warm mountain

Pliny has finished his masterpiece, the “List of people less likely to burn down a captured city”. From the list, we may confirm our suspect: the Welsh are really masochists arsonists. They are simply too happy after all the blood and flames that destroyed their former cities. If you're wondering why the gap between the first leader and the rest is so wide, it's because Bhutan gains one happiness for every owned mountain. Quite fitting for a leader that IRL has advocated for using the Gross National Happiness index to measure the well-being of citizens rather than GDP.

12: Are we the virus?

A little breathing room after all the previous massacres. Just a relaxing view of incontaminated arcipelagos, islands, seagulls, tropical forests, damaged ships... ah, the magic of nature.

13: Somalia redemption arc

I’m telling you, Somalia is as cracked as he is jacked. I saw them at a Lidl the other day buying Monster and adult diapers. I asked them what the diapers were for and he said “they contain my full power so I don’t completely shit on these Hejaz kids”.

Or maybe not, but they managed to take Al Bahah. Wow.

14: Lions vs eagles

The Baltic war rages on. Germany smartly founds Dortmund and gains control of the whole central area of the sea and contemporary assaults Malmo. Sweden has Gothenburg surrounded, but forests slow their advance.

15: The Red Menance

Kolchak, PARG's leader, takes a history lesson and discovers that the USSR is their natural enemy. Promptly, he summons his ambassadors and tells them to declare war against “that red civilization”. The advisors try to convince him that he's confusing the USSR and Vietnam, but he quits their doubts with a lapidary sentence: “I‘m paid to lead, not to read”.

On a more serious note, I’m fairly confident PARG has more catapults than all the other civs combined.

16: Odyssean journey

From the industrious siberian workshops to the calm and empty South Pacific Ocean and its islands. The contrast is stunning. Ehi, wait a moment, isn't that the Japanese settler we first spotted, like, three parts ago?

17: Time machine broke

The smoke is high and the swords unsheathed, but the soldiers neither advance nor they retreat. I swear, this is the same situation of 20 turns ago.

18: We got a(nother) city to burn

A horseman quickly rushes into the war council room, where the Mississipian leader Tuskaloosa is discussing future strategies with his generals.

“The beacons of New Town! The beacons are lit!”. The unimpressed Tuskaloosa smiles and declares “Yeah, my people were a little unhappy, so I decided to burn down another city. They love this kind of stuff, the fires, the flames, the smell of burning human corpses, y'know, the usual. Now, don't interrupt me again, we're planning the assault of Sashin”

19: Algeria season 1 flashbacks

Vietnam strikes back and flips their capital, very likely for the last time. It's never a good sign when you have more generals than actual fighting units.

20: Battle of the weaks

From now on, I'll refer to this war as “battle of the weaks”. Somalia still has WARRIORS AND ARCHERS! Turns out that giving away for free your second largest city for no reason hurts your chances of success. Who would have thought?

21: I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and fights back.

Burkina Faso secures Abalessa. They tooks more time and effort to conquer the enemy capital than anticipated, but now the city is part of their empire. I don't see them being able to push efficiently against the two remaining Tuareg cities. I feel they should stop now and focus on building more units, this war has left their core quite empty.

Capital attacked counter: 2

22: Best civ in America btw

My father measures IQ for a living. I asked him to watch 154 turns of Mississippi gameplay and to then provide a rough estimate of the intelligence quotient for the popular American civ.

After not speaking with my father for about a month, I received a text early one morning that simply read, “fuckfuckfuck.”

Confused, I asked what was wrong.

“That American fellow you asked me to study, I've never seen anything like it. He's operating on a plain of intelligence four to five times higher than the smartest men I've ever studied. His tactical troops management is communicating cryptic hidden messages. He's displaying levels of strategy that should not be remotely possible.”

I had completely forgotten about asking my father to study Canyon, but now I was intrigued, “So how high is his IQ?” I inquired.

He responded mere seconds later, “Just under infinity.”

A huge crowd of merry Mississippians is still cheering for the pyrotechnic show, but now the party's over.

“Don't worry, don't worry” reassures Tuskaloosa “We tactically delayed the capture of Sanish so now has 3 pops and will burn down for longer!”

A round of applause and shouts welcomed his speech.

23: Calm before the storm?

We finally see a shot of South-America, and holy cows, Paraguays have a carpet! On the other hand, they have at least 4 settlers with nowhere to go. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be. They also put down two citadels towards Peng Ko, will this escalate further into a conventional war?

24: First blood incoming?

Taiping takes back Ha Noi. Maybe Vietnam can flip it once more, but then they'll be out of melee units. The green-white civ also brings a settler to trap the last Vietnamese city. That's bullying, come on. Are we going to witness the first elimination?

25: Mare Nostrum

It turns out my prediction was pretty accurate: Two Sicilies is stalling out Germany thanks to their dominance in the Adriatic Sea. Granted, the terrain is also helping the defenders a lot, with those small chokepoints, hills and forests. Germany seems to be running out of steam, their core is rather empty (excluding civilian units).

26: Freeing the homeland

Well, we can now see why Germany's core is pretty void: they're fighting a two-front war. Sweden has recruited an healthy Army of swordsmen and composite bowmans and they're so close to take back their former city of Gothenburg. They're also fighting in the sea. Taking Posen would shift the war balance heavily in their favour.

27: Taiping - colour to relax/study to

I don't know why, but I find the Taiping colour palette so relaxing. I should thank them for not covering the beautiful scene with some ugly troops. Luckily for them, their northern neighbours have been fighting (directly or indirectly) against each other since the dawn of the game basically.

28: Certified Barbabruh moment

Yes, the war of the weak again! Now with 33% less cities for Somalia! Even Jerusalem (JERUSALEM) feels confident enough to declare war against the blue civ.

29: Wall Ma

The Spanish-Vandal war is slowly grinding to a halt. Yes, the North African civ is pushing toward Madrid, but don't have any siege unit. Furthermore, Carlos III has formed a defense line right behind the city. Still, his position is precarious.

Capital attacked counter: 3

30: Battle of the Jutland

Germany takes a page from Two Sicilies' war manual and uses their Navy to simultaneously capture Malmo and Gothenburg. That's huge: this picture makes us realise how uninhabited the rest of the Swedish empire is. I suppose they wanted to role-play the population density of IRL Scandinavia.

31: Is this torture?

It must be exhausting to be a Sanish inhabitant: you are constantly bombarded with rocks and arrows, horsemen run around your countryside, for years and years. Mississippi, is that a settler? I swear, if you found a city in the exact spot previously occupied by the cities you burned down...

32: Scramble for Oceania

Taiping is rapidly taking control of the Philippines. I think Malacca should try to strike them down before Taiping can consolidate their holdings in the region. The blu-golden civ has the technological advantage, I can spot a pretty powerful Navy. However, Taiping has much more production. It may already be too late for Malacca.

33: Time for a little backstab?

Sweden pushes back Germany, but for how long can they resist? Just look at the sheer amount of ships around Posen. Germany is in complete control of the Baltic Sea now. Sweden needs to peace out asap. If Snorlax Finland decides to wake up their whole empire would be in danger.

34: NN vs NN

Last turn, New Netherland declared war against the Neutral Nation. There are some quick skirmishes outside Kandoucho, but the capital has such a good defensive geographical position. Let's see if Neural Nation can properly use their UU, the Chonnonton War Band, a stronger swordsman. Wait, is that a... musketman on the right of Niagara? The Chonnonton can be freely upgraded into a musketman, but only once gunpowder is discovered. Is this a small bug? Let’s hope is inconsequential.

Capital attacked count: 4

35: Reverse 1967

Cleopatra has failed to gain anything against Kosovo, so four turns ago they signed a peace treaty. Immediately, Cleopatra switches her focus on the much weaker Jerusalem. In her motivational speech, she declares that the war will last “at most six days.” Her boldness is certainly justified: Jerusalem may be the capital with fewer inhabitants in the whole Cylinder. Egyptian troops immediately surround the city.

Capital attacked count: 5

36: Cheers from the sub

Pedro: “Ehi, Nebby, it's been a while, why don't we take a pause?”

Nebby: “Oh, excellent idea my friend. I declare a golden age!”

Abd-ar-Rahman: “Hey. I just wanted you to know that you can‘t just say ”golden age” and expect anything to happen”

Nebby: “I didn‘t say it. I declared it”

37: Surrounded and blocked

We are offered a nice view of the Laos core, as well as the independent two-city district controlled by the Dutch India Company. Laos is boxed in by mountains and can’t build a navy, so conquering Pontianak is out of question. They don’t really have many expansion opportunities.

38: Can’t touch this

At one point in the Welsh council, sources said, the Last General turned to the elderly chancellor and screamed, “You (bleeping) need me. You can't win without me.” The Last General left his troops and the council largely speechless. He dominated the battlefield in every way. The Last General's back.

39: Village > Town

We're lucky that the city with the best name in the entire Cylinder is a capital and therefore cannot be burned down. Like-a-fishhock is now surrounded by a coalition of Mississippian and Chinookian troops. Somehow, Sanish is still in Three Affiliated Tribes's (incompetent) hands. At this point, I can't help but believe that Tuskaloosa is just asserting his dominance. How can you otherwise justify the founding of Grand Village near the ruins of New Town?

Capital attacked count: 6

40: Change of mind

“Why didn't you tell me before!?” shouted PARG's leader, Kolchak.

“But, general, we tried to...” stuttered a scared soldier.

“Trying is not enough! Make peace with the poor Vietnam, they suffered enough” cut short Kolchak

Then it whispered to himself: “And now what do I do with all those catapults? They can't even launch a 90 kg projectile over 300 meters”

He glimpsed at the map and then came up with a genius idea: they will use them against Uzbekistan, an enemy they actually border with!

“Sometimes my genius is... almost frightening” he smiled to himself.

41: Yeah, they're a little confused but they got the spirit.

Uzbekistan decides to answer PARG's aggression by burning down Elih, and nearly capturing Dvin from Georgia. Maybe they’re trying to force a separate peace to focus on the biggest of the two threats.

More seriously, they have a healthy military (3rd largest in the whole Cylinder at the start of the episode), I don’t think they’ll just roll over and die against PARG.

42: Unser Meer?

Germany finally secures the Baltic Sea, also thanks to their new city of Kattowitz. Sweden has no melee unit near Malmo or Gothenburg, so those cities are safe, at least for now. Germany is finally free to concentrate all his might on the Scandivian region, as he peaced out with Two Sicilies in turn 162.

43: World war for Panama Canal

What kind of clusterfuck is this? Wait, let me check my notes. Umh, to put things shortly… Everyone is at war with everyone else: Gran Colombia is at war against Perù-Bolivia, the Olmecs, Paraguay, Taping and this turn they declare war against Jamaica, a conflict as old as time itself. Jamaica is victim of a coalition composed by Gran Colombia, Mississippi, Yuan, and Malacca. Because fuck ‘em, that’s why, I suppose. To complete the picture, Perù-Bolivia and Paraguay are allied against Gran Colombia but are actually at war between themselves.

44: Leonida distant smile

Soldier 1: ”Ehi, do you think we may have exaggerated with the rocks and stuff? I think we set the city ablaze”

Soldier 2: “They deserved it. They're burning down Dvin. What kind of barbaric population would destroy Leg Day city itself?”

Soldier 1: “Yeah, you're right”

45: Impassable terrains

As expected, the chokepoints make it impossible for New Netherland to progress further against the enemy capital. However, Mosfellsbaer is in deep red. Maybe that unit really is a bugged out musketman.

46: Next time found that canal

Jerusalem still holds. It's very difficult for Cleopatra to advance, but she has way more resources than Baldwin III. Unfortunately, she forgot many turns ago to settle the Suez Canal, and now she cannot bring over her fleet in the Red Sea.

47: And we gonna let it burn, burn, burn, burn

Three Affiliated Tribes have made peace with Mississippi. They avoided the last place, but gave Nishu and Sanish away in the deal. Try to guess what happened next? Yes, exactly. Mississippi now officially owns the “Best arsonist of the Cylinder” award. I think they killed a million people combined, if not more, in those stakes.

48: Lion removal

A couple of turns ago, Iceland declared war against Sweden. They quickly surround Helsingborg, bringing the city to red.

Germany has founded Essen. Like, imagine being a citizen of “Food.” At least, Germany is playing way more like a Jäger.

49: Just another day in the survey corps

The Osaka district has always been rather independent from the Nipponic homeland. They now want to prove they deserve their freedom. Five turns ago, they declared war against Yuan and now they’re pushing with many horses against Kaifen.

50: Unification in sight

For the second time this part, we see South-America. Seven turns ago, war broke out between The Mapuche and Quilombo. The green civ has sent a naval backdoor squad and manages to take Kura Rewe. However, their supply lines are overextended and Arotirene is on the verge of collapsing. Mapuche has the opportunity to unify the whole IRL Argentina with this war, this may be a crucial event for the future of this continent.

51: Another one joins the war

And another one! Rio Grande joins the Panama war, and now the Olmecs are fighting a two-front war. Fightings are all over the place, with Jamaica sending a liberation squad against their former city of Spanish Town. Magangue itself is on the verge of collapsing.

52: War in the Arctic

After a couple of flips, New Netherland holds Mosfellsbaer. The war is a slow grindmeat and nothing more at this point.

But Iceland seizes the opportunity and opportunisticly strikes Andachkhrob (how tf is that supposed to be pronounced? Sorry Dawkinzz).

53: Any moment now

Every time we see this conflict, Jerusalem is closer to falling. Their navy is reduced to four boats and a single horseman is defending the city gates against endless waves of Egyptian soldiers.

54: Revolución de Mayo

And Kura Rewe falls, with Arotirene shorts to follow. The Mapuche have played this war well, and now can enjoy two precious coastal cities. Paraguay is still rather scary with their big land army, so they need to catch a bit up.

55: Between a rock and an hard place

We can finally see the full scale of the Rio Grande - Olmecs conflict. Rio Grande is going straight for the jugular and tries to assault Coatzacoalcos. They have enough soldiers to do some serious damage. Olmecs are in a very dangerous position now.

Capital attacked count: 7

56: First vs Second

Little quiz: did you know that Punjab and PARG have been at war since turn 160? No? Well, don't worry, me neither. This war has been eventless up until now. I suspect that Punjab has only recently signed an open board deal with Uzbekistan and now they can assault Ashgabat.

57: “What do you mean with that?”

Soldier 2: “See? I told you not to worry, our practice target is still here”

Soldier 1: “Neat! More experience for us. But... are you sure this will help us advance?”

Soldier 2: “Uh? Advance?”

58: This may be the best deal in the history of war deals

Iceland takes Khioetoa with a naval assault, but Neutral Nation responds by bringing Quinaouttakakdka to yellow. Neutral Nation would definitely gain from this trade.

59: Like-a-lastplace

Four Bears has actually never signed a peace deal with Chinook, but mountains make moving units around a headache. Still, TAT must repel the enemy assault with only 5 units. The first elimination is still possible in this episode

60: Macao Meravigliao

Don't let the Vandals in a South-America slide distract you from the Majorana - Quilombo war. The front of this conflict is very wide, albeit the jungle makes movements slow. Quilombo is stronger on land, but the Majorana navy is more technologically advanced. They also have their UU, the Snake Canoe, a Galleass with Bombardment I. It’s perfect for defending those coastal cities.

61: Tango music stops

Remember when I said the Mapuche were playing the war well and that they were going to unite Argentina? Well, should we be surprised when they set Arotirene ablaze? I suppose not. Still, removing the green blob from their coast will definitely benefit them in the long run.

62: Pacific Rim

It’s happening! Malacca and Taiping are at war! Malacca has lost some time and now their green enemies are in a much more fortified position, but they still hold the scientific advantage. Very difficult to make any predictions, especially considering how infamously bad the AI is when it comes to naval battles.

63: Strong towards the weak, weak towards the strong.

Sweden and Germany are now at peace. Sweden suddenly remembers that they have been technically at war against the Teutonic Order since turn 11. Therefore, they decide to boost their morale by attacking them. Funnily enough, it's likely they won't gain anything, it's very difficult to manovrate troops in such a small area.

Capital attack count: 8

On another note, is the Finnish government polluting Helsinki's water with aphrodisiacs? That city has 28 population! I can't be sure, but it's probably the biggest city in the Cylinder right now.

64: Asterix in shambles

OH BOIS! Wilhelm II is a fucking bloodlust. He just finished a war and immediately starts another one. And not against some small fish, he's going against his direct competitor. He absolutely wants European mainland dominance. Honestly, his army is smaller and a bit far from the fight borders, but it deploys trebuchets.

65: More stuck than Evergreen

Cleopatra is starting to feel uneasy. Her “fast victory” is going on and on without an end. Yes, Jerusalem is still in red, but it's been in this state for the last six turns.

“Just a minor setback” she declares, before quickly changing the topic of conversation.

66: Jungle warfare

Marajoara pushes by sea, and Quilombo responds by land. They even bring a settler to the front lines. I don't think it will help, but their goal are obviously beyond my understanding

67: Handshaking the early game

We finally get a shot of Southern Africa, and it’s clear why we didn’t see anything before. This part of the Cylinder is so uneventful you would think everybody is at peace. Yes, five turns ago Zaire declared war on Namibia, but the front has been stationary since then.

68: Settler hunting

The last part of the Cylinder not yet colonized is starting to fill up with cities and ships of many different colours. Malacca has A LOT of Galleass, and can therefore safely attack enemy troops and cities without retaliation. They're also very close to killing multiple settlers before they can become cities, keeping the different parts of Taiping colonies separated.

69: You join this war. And you join this war. Everyone joins this war

Every time we see the Panama war, it becomes more and more chaotic. New Netherland joins the coalition against Olmecs and uses his ships to ram down Portmore. With no reinforcements in sight, the city is doomed to fail. Meanwhile, Magangue is in the red. Will it fail? If yes, will Jamaica snipe it with that trireme? On the land, Great Colombia tries to push Montego Bay, but the city walls are still intact.

70: Nice bias roll, nerd

Not only PARG is failing to make any progress against Uzbekistan, but they're also going to lose Berezniki. Just a daily reminder that a catapult and a swordsman costs the same amount of production. Kolchak has a very unique and odd bias in this game for some reasons.

71: Chad Baldwin

And Jerusalem, finally, FINALLY, falls. Say what you want, but Baldwin didn't give away his city without a fierce fight. He has moved his government facilities to Aleppo, but he himself refuses to move from the hills surrounding his former city. He decides to disguise himself as a settler to continue the military operations.

72: At least Cenabium is not in Belgium...

The Deutsch-Gaul war explodes in all its intensity. Wilhelm governs the most productive people of the whole Cylinder: he orders all forges, mills, dockyards, workshops, arsenals, armories to forge swords, to mold spades, to construct ships, to create siege weapons. His empire is crossed by an industrial and militar fervor. First goal: Cenabum, attacked both by land and by sea. The Gauls are rushing to defend the city, as well as pushing towards their former city of Vienna. Unfortunately, the endless stream of rivers is slowing their advance.

On a completely unrelated note, the minimap has changed its centering, and now it doesn’t break in half the Americas

73: u/

Malacca coordinates a good offensive against the Philippinean city of Luzhou and brings down the city to yellow. Unfortunately, the settlers are still there. Founding a new city could break the Malacca offensive. AIs usually struggle against multiple targets, as they usually split their forces and lose their momentum.

74: Never give up

And Jerusalem takes back the Holy City! Cleopatra is beside herself. Charioting around downtown Jerusalem begging (thru papyri) Baldwin's family for address of his home.

She was so sure that the city was hers that he ordered her troops to attack Tripoli, but now she suddenly needs to readjust her plans.

75: Powerhouses in action

The Gauls have their lands nearly fully carpeted, but they invested heavily in breeding horses instead of training their powerful UU, the Oathsworn. We can also note a complete lack of siege weapons. Still, they're advancing towards the whole war front, and are sending many reinforcements to Cenabrum.

76: Atlantis discovery for the poor soldiers

Wait a minute, where is Rio Grande navy? You can't send embarked units without any protection like that. Luckly, it seems that on land the war favors them for the moment. They're attacking from two sides with numerous troops, and the Olmec capital is defended only by nearly dead units.

77: Settler gaming

Attacks 1-5: Clearly missed.

Attacks 6-9: Missed due to jungle (bad road control).

Attacks 10-11: Very close, but jungle and troop composition make these reasonable misses.

Attack 12: Likely didn't actually start because Quilombo is already dead inside.

However, there is good news for Quilombo: the settler is still alive. Bad news for Quilombo: everything else. Their assaults have achieved literally nothing at all. Is always interesting how every war in South-America in early games always finds a way to become a stalemate. Jungle too OP.

78: Cmon, do something...

Something is slowly moving in the Zaire - Namibia war, as hits are exchanged between the two foes. Nothing really dramatic, both Kikwit and Rehoboth are largely intact. It’s a pity, Africa has the potential to be one of the most interesting continent to watch and everybody is sleeping

79: Third time's the charm

As anticipated by a notification, Hawaii and Tahiti are at war (again). I'd like to be excited but... y'know, the script here is getting stale.

80: Tok tok, it’s the

Magangue fails to the Olmecs! The city is anything but secured. Even New Netherland can come up with a snipe. Let me say, a North American power holding the Panama Canal would be interestingly accurate.

81: The green avalanche

PARG and Uzbekistan have been fighting for at least 15 turns now, but the core of the green civ is still full of soldiers. The same can’t be said for the Siberian civ tho. At least they destroyed the city of Quarshi. It’s something I guess. But in doing so, they have awakened a sleeping giant and filled it with terrible resolve. Uzbekistan is knocking down the gates of Berezniki.

82: Preemptive attack

Hejaz is the victim of a coalition composed by Chola and Lesotho. However, is the Arabian civ that tries to strike first attacking the isolated city of Thiruvarur. They’ve got for now the advantage in numbers, but must take the city quickly or technologically superior reinforcements will push them back.

83: To the moon!

Simply put, Gran Colombia is electric. Every time they declare war you have the sense any of the 61 civs on the Cylinder could end up with their capital taken. Gran Colombia's UA stands out there serving everything from losing against Jamaica to conquering Panama Canal with reckless abandon. Is there a more beautiful yet often horrendous showing of Civ AI anywhere? I think not. Germany can have his production and all his glory, but someone fires up the cannons for the Gran Colombia bandwagon. Pull out your pack of Colombian stonks and just try calming those nerves as you watch Colombia jump into four enemies yet again. Forward settled twice in the first 2 episodes. You know who gives a fuck? Not Gran Colombia, that's who. Gran Colombia is like a shot of heroin directly into Nabby II's veins. You think invading directly a territory of someone with a green color scares a civ like that?! No sir. This is Gran Colombia. Somebody give this civ a contract for life, because I never want to see predictable and cautious Civ Battle Royale ever again.

84: Rainbow Sea

Taiping founds Wuhu and adds some ranged fire power in their war against Malacca. However, now Tongcheng is under attack. No melee units nearby, but a swordsman is coming. This part of the world is so colourful, I count units of at least 9 different civs.

85: Just making my love confession

I was admittedly on the Uzbekistan-not-liking train for a while too. And then I watched their two-front war and saw it, that fucking city raze. God I just melted (and the city too), it was like they had been at work for 180 turns, working their ass off to get the big deal and city captures, and they came home, all tired and run down. I had been working my hardest to burn their favorite town, Berezniki. I knew this part had been so hard on them, and I wanted it to be perfect, but as I was putting the finishing touches on it, I could tell, it just wasn't going to be that great. My heart starts racing as I wonder how they'll react, the city is just slightly too cooked and I know I over-seasoned the population. My heart is literally in my throat as they come home and give me a quick kiss before sitting down to eat. And then it happens, they take the first bite, and then smile and say “This is amazing honey, thanks” We both know that it's not as good as it could be, but he still gives me that smile and wolfs it down like it's the best thing he's ever had. So yeah, I'm a Uzbekistan fan now.

86: Unpredictable war

Finally Malacca conquers Luzhou. Taiping is defending nails and teeth its oversea holdings and can potentially flip back the city. In the corner, Vietnam oversees the naval battle, mumbling to himself that one time they were the owner of those islands and boasting about keeping Australian away from the Asian continent.

87: Can’t even think about a good title anymore

Around 10,000 B.C. humans invented the slinger, to allow them to throw objects harder. Around 400 B.C. humans invented the catapult, which allowed them to throw objects even harder. And shortly after the Trebuchet followed, which allowed people to throw objects even harder. In 1958 they invented the ICBM, which allowed people to blast objects about anywhere on the planet. Since then the evolution of throwing things has mostly been halted, until 2021 when a civ called Ptolomies invented a way to throw leads harder than was previously imagined possible.

Like, seriously, I'm tired of this part of the world. It's the same slide since the start of the war. Let's talk about anything else, like... there is a Vandal trade route in Anatolia. How? What the hell is happening with trade routes and Vandals?

88: Goodbye, and thanks for all the burning

And we conclude this part with a final view of the German - Gaul war. Cenabium still holds strong, despite being under siege since the beginning of the conflict. The Gauls have overrun every defense between them and Vienna, but are yet to damage the city.

It has been an honour to narrate this part for you folks. A lot is happening in these explosive early game episodes, but I hope I was able to convey the most important events in an interesting and entertaining way. As always, stay safe and I’ll see you around.

Episode 6: Capitals Storming – S2

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