Episode 8: The Gang Gets Stuck In A Meatgrinder

1: hey ;)

Hello everyone! I’m political hack, Discord ping abuser, and New York 6/Cleveland 8 u/PonderousHajj. I’ll be your narrator for this episode. Good luck everybody!

2: #cashmoney

This week’s OC comes from u/ARedundantSofa, and it shows our favorite profit-driven madlads, the Vandals, getting that gold-cash-gold.

3: VihreaaVision

Our first map is, of course, the tile accurate map by u/Vihreaa. It’s looking as beautiful as ever, unless you’re a fan of roughly half of the original top-ten civs.

4: You Did This

And our second map… doesn't exist. In its absence, please enjoy this… thing… made by u/Paraguay_Stonks. If I had to see it, so must you.

5: The Secret is Gomutra

For the fourth episode in a row, Ranjit Singh’s Punjab is number one, and it isn’t hard to see why. Their military and production are second to none, though they could stand to be a little less… quiet. Are they unstoppable? I mean, when has a juggernaut with an orange and blue color scheme ever let us down?

6: Too Kulin for Schoolin’

We begin this episode on turn 210 in the Pacific, where the Tahitian navy continues to repel the Kulin navy from its shores. While superior in tech and production, the Kulin just don’t seem that interested in bringing their A-game to Tahiti, opting instead to treat their tropical excursion less like an invasion and more like an overpriced timeshare.

Offscreen, the city-state of Saigon makes peace with the Manchu, while in Africa, Namibia declares war on Burkina Faso-- a bold move, given the trouble they’re facing on the homefront.

7: Honshu Forget About Me

In Manchurian Korea, Chukchi and Japanese naval units continue to whittle away at Manchu defenses. Chukchi galleases are clearly doing most of the heavy lifting here-- if Japanese triremes were just a little bit better placed, Tanaka Kakuei could potentially unify Honshu under his banner.

Offscreen, Burkina Faso trades peace with Jerusalem for Chola joining the dogpile.

08: Where’s Dvin When You Need It?

We turn now to the Red Sea, where Cleopatra has embarked the bulk of her eastern forces in her push to conquer Hejaz. The capture of Al-Qunfidah opened up a zone of control that should be helpful in eventually taking Medina. While the Ptolemaic navy and army are technologically and numerically superior, we’ve seen the AI fail at hybrid land-sea invasions on far too many occasions to count. If there’s any silver lining for Hussein bin Ali, let it be that the AI is still the AI-- and that Cleopatra only has one melee unit anywhere remotely near Mecca, where the siege hasn’t even started yet.

Offscreen, Zumbi has declared war on Wales, perhaps in an effort to learn the secrets of the Lord of Light, as Palmares will likely be enveloped in Vandal flames very, very soon.

09: Ptolemy By Your Name

On the western front of Cleopatra’s empire, the cities of Paraitonion and Elephantine are probably wishing they had some of those units currently sailing towards Hejaz, as they’d come in handy in the fight against Thomas Sankara. While the Ptolemies clearly have the technological knowhow to produce an army that could crush Burkina Faso, they’ve left their frontier dangerously exposed to an invasion by that civilization. There’s definitely room for some city flips here.

Offscreen, Tahiti and Mississippi call it quits.

10: Bedeviled Kingdom

In the South China Sea, Malacca continues its impressive push against the Heavenly Kingdom, sending its navy into an area spanning from the Qiongzhou Strait to the Pearl River Delta. Having annexed Qingpu, it’s clear Mansur is playing for keeps.

Offscreen, another War for Winter begins as the Chukchi declare war on the Chinook, likely as a result of that civ’s consolidation of Alaska.

11: & Thanks For All The Fish

Right from the start we see Alaskan waters filled with the Chinook’s unique unit, the Equai-ah. This workboat replacement deals a modest amount of ranged damage and is quick to retreat from combat. Compared with the Chukchi navy they aren’t very powerful on their own-- but in large numbers, they could be enough to repel an invasion, or at least soften up Seamysty ahead of recapture.

12: Kuchum Khan Sends His Regards

In Japanese Siberia and Yuan Classic, Northern Yuanese (Yuanite?) troops continue to trickle into the realms of both civs, dealing modest damage to Kashiwazaki and Kaifeng-- on the whole, however, it’s status quo Siberian meatgrinder.

13: Crook First, Then Flail

In the Sahel, Burkina Faso continues to fortify its desert holdings along the Vandal-and-Tuareg border. As predicted, Cleopatra was caught with her kalasiris down as Elephantine falls to Sankara’s troops. If the Ptolemies don’t send reinforcements west ASAP, they risk embarrassment not seen since the Neutral Nation got boxed in by New Netherlands.

Offscreen, Punjab and the Manchu make peace.

14: It’s Tulle

Wangchuck’s expedition against Raja Raja continues to backslide into disaster as the season three drag superstar sends a naval pincer to soften up Phuntsholing. If that city falls, the Bhutanese will have a hard time taking it back, given the apparent ranged-to-melee ratio between the two sparring civs.

15: Arabian Knights

On the Arabian peninsula, Cleopatra finds success in taking Hejaz cities. Haqi has been captured and set ablaze, while the siege-- and citadelification -of Mecca has begun. Still, the Ptolemaic carpet seems to be fizzling out, even here where it was pervasive just a few slides ago.

16: Three Tribes/One Cup

Over in North America, the Chinook seem less-than-interested in finishing off the Three Affiliated Tribes. While Four Bears could take back Seepoosha or even take Nemah, it probably won’t be enough to save them-- especially with all those Mississippian troops moving into the area.

17: PARGon Me

PARG are looking decidedly un-PARGers, especially when viewed next to their neighbors in Uzbekistan and Great Perm. Karimov feels triumphant, sitting on his rather provocative citadel jutting into PARGland.

Bhutan is in a Golden Age, apparently. That’s hot.

18: $JAM Tomorrow, $JAM Yesterday

It looks like the OG World-Ender, Gran Colombia, may just have enough juice to exact revenge on Jamaica and sack Kingston. $DOGE, $JAM, my ego-- it doesn’t matter: what goes up must come down.

In the Pacific, Hawaii and Tahiti sign the Treaty of Two Pineapples and enjoy peace once more.

19: Formosa? I hardly know her!

Malacca continues to impress, and the capture of Huangmei has created yet another staging point from which to invade mainland China. With no heavenly navy in sight, the balance of power in the South China Sea probably won’t be changing any time soon.

To the north, Japan and the Manchy make peace, evidently without any cities switching hands.

20: You Tried

Back in North America, it’s becoming abundantly clear that Seepoosha and Nemho are just too defensible for the Three Affiliated Tribes to capture at this time. Still, Four Bears deserves *some* credit, as he’s not going down without a fight.

21: Chieftain Difficulty

To the east, the Neutrals have taken Stuyvesant’s Icelandic trophy in a rather skillful snipe, but it is of no consequence as Mosfellbaer contains a distinct lack of beavers.

That said, Stuyvesant’s insistence on throwing mounted units at Kandoucho is… I mean, it’s a choice. Not a very good one, though.

22: Mauruuru

While the Tahitian “core” of single-tile islands seems safe from Kulin invaders for the moment, the same cannot be said for their holdings in New Zealand. If William Barak puts his mind to it, he can take South Island and really get to consolidating his little corner of the cylinder-- unless, of course, Malacca decides to start trying again.

23: Straight Up

Raja Raja captures Phuntsholing, puts on some Paula Abdul, and makes things hot-- by setting the port city ablaze. With only two damaged triremes nearby, Carmen-- er, Wangchuck --has virtually no chance to take the city back before it completely burns down.

24: Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band?

In German Scandinavia, the Kaiserreich has once again turned its impressive industrial might towards making a mighty army-- and navy. Honestly, at this rate of shipbuilding, Germany doesn’t need to send units to the Icelandic front-- the carpet will just eventually make its way over there on its own.

Offscreen, Gran Colombia and what’s left of Peru-Bolivia make peace; the Soviets declare war on at least one Sicily, but no more than two.

25: Ballad of Magellan

Another look now at the Kulin-Tahiti war where Purea can be seen making a bold play for Woori Yallock. It won’t work, of course, but this is causing the Kulin to commit some serious manpower to their Oceanic front, when they should really be shoring up their defenses against Malacca.

In the top-left we see evidence of the continued existence of the Tongva, which is cute.

26: Ptolemayday

Back in west Africa, we-- wait a sec, what… the Tuareg captured Elephantine? A Burkina Faso city that was originally Ptolemaic?! I… well then. Eat your heart out LRS, and Aaron? Have a drink on me.

Anyway, in west Africa we catch a glimpse of what is easily the most fortified border on the cylinder. In this one shot alone I count at least 37 forts and a citadel. Burkina Faso continues its rampage against the Ptolemies, capturing Paraitonion from Cleopatra, who has a very sparse force available to take it back.

Elsewhere in the slide, Awolowo continues to press forward with his tech-and-wonder obsession, allowing Nigeria to claim for itself the powerful Himeji Castle. Meanwhile, the Tuareg-- evidently on a high after taking Elephantine --make the very ill-advised decision to attack several Sicilies.

27: Kingston-Throop

Bolivar’s trireme navy continues to chip away at Kingston’s defenses, but the plucky Jamaican military seems to be holding its own-- for now. If Gran Colombia finds a way to take out that swordsman fortified west of Kingston… well, it would be bad news for Marcus Garvey.

Elsewhere, a potentially major development unfolds as PARG declares war on Northern Yuan.

28: A Girl Is No Yuan

The two Asian powers share a complicated border that spans the Siberian steppe while snaking through the Gobi Desert. Along the front are several defensible cities positioned between lakes and mountains alike.

At the outset of this war, PARG doesn’t seem organized enough to mount a major offensive-- that said, the Northern Yuanese (Yuananite?) core has been completely sapped over these last few episodes, and raiding parties of Yuan Classic™ horsemen have been able to reach Karakorum with startling ease. This may not end well for Mandukhai.

29: Deuce Sicily

Ooh, now things are really starting to heat up: Vercingetorix has declared war on no fewer than two whole Sicilies, igniting a conflict that could cost millions of lives.

I believe it was Napoleon who once said that one cannot hope to take Italy by invading it from the sea-- that one must enter from the north, like a boot. If that’s true, the Gauls and their massive land army have a decent shot at doing some real damage to Ferdiand’s empire. Having said that, Ferdinand’s Mediterranean navy is a staggering, diverse carpet of units, and his empire is almost exclusively port cities. Any place the Gauls could take by land could easily flip back the next turn-- and as a result devastate the large population centers of cities like Palermo and Alesia.

Still, Vercingetorix’s army is mostly ranged and mounted units. At least for right now, Ferdinand *should* be able to protect his people.

30: Homu Is Where The Heart Is

Back east, Taiping manages to land some knights onto the isle of Formosa, retaking the city of Huangmei from the Malaccan menace. Malacca, for its part, has sent a detachment of its navy into the East China Sea, albeit a fleet devoid of any melee ships. This war is a slog, and Mansur’s navy is far from home. According to sailors on some Malaccan vessels, the faint cries of Japanese missionaries can sometimes be heard on calm nights like a siren’s song; “have you heard the good word? Naruhodo!”

31: CataPARG

Elsewhere in Asia, PARG sends its troops into Northern Yuan through both the desert and the tundra. Erdene Zuu is in real danger of falling, while far too many PARG catapults are sent to retake Vladivostok. PARG is lucky that Northern Yuan is occupied with a two front war, as their carpet at home is looking more like an old bath mat these days.

In Omsk, Kolchak’s economic advisor grimaces at the bill for the five scouts bouncing around the homeland, saying, “we have enough explorers to discover the world, please for the love of God, build units that can take cities.”

Kolchak waves her off, “right, yeah, more catapults, got it.”

32: Should Have Picked the Silver Snakes

Over in Central America, U Kix Chan begins to desperately search his jean jacket pockets for any pendants of life he may still have hidden away somewhere as the New Netherlands navy and a flotilla of Tongva units inch towards the Olmec capital of Tonala. To make matters worse, fully half of the Olmec land army is embarked and unaccompanied in the Caribbean Sea, where they are easy pickings for Stuyvesant’s navy.

Note to the Olmecs: “Blue Barracudas” is a team name. You’re not actually barracudas. Come back to dry land.

Offscreen, the Finns make peace with Northern Yuan, which apparently sparks a new Finnish Renaissance.

33: Lox & Schmear

In the North Pacific, the Chinook navy’s unique units appear to have devastated much of the technologically superior Chukchi fleet. Perhaps it was a numbers game, or perhaps it was because wild-caught salmon is the latest superfood-- regardless, with more melee units near Seamysty than the Chukchi, Comcomly has a golden opportunity to reclaim his former port city from Lawtiliwadlin, if only for a short time at least.

34: Trash

Up in the Faroe Islands, Icelandic, German, Finnish, Swedish, Gallic… uh, Spanish? ...ships mingle. Let’s just call this shot, “the Great Arctic Garbage Patch.”

35: It Comes With Sauce

Hey! We haven’t seen these civs in a while. Zanzibar, Somalia, and Lesotho still exist! Regarding hostilities between Somalia and Lesotho, the former seems to be protected at the moment by the dual factors of a) Zanzibar and Lesotho not sharing open borders; and b) Lesotho lacking any units that can cross ocean tiles.

Offscreen, Uzbekistan goes back to war with Georgia. They were promised a free cheeseboat with Kars, and now they’ve come to collect.

36: Razing Bran

Over in the Battle for the Gobi, PARG captures-- and razes --Erdene Zuu from the Northern Yuan. Kolchak’s army does not appear to have taken too many hits in the assault, but Mandukhai’s forces are howling, and her core largely undefended. To make matters worse, there also appears to be a rather large horde of mixed units filing in from the east towards Bayan Tumen out of Yuan Classic™.

37: A Ponderous Hajj

On the Arabian peninsula and in the Red Sea, Hejaz’s last stand is starting to look like a military masterstroke. Not only has the Ptolemaic assault on Mecca been halted, but both Al-Qunfidhah and Haql have been recaptured. While Cleopatra has superiority in tech and numbers, she just cannot quite crack open Hejaz. If she were smart she’d peace out and move her forces to deal with the real threat to her west: Burkina Faso.

Elsewhere, the Neutral Nation breaks bread with Marajoara.

38: One Yuan to Rule Them All

Looking east again, we have… still quite a lot of border gore, as last episode the Manchu capital of Mukden was citadeled from both sides, with Yuan and Japan reducing the city’s holdings to a narrow hook at the base of the Korean peninsula. Kublai Khan continues to pump out units, bringing down Bayan Tumen’s health into the yellow while also sending a serious complement (Siege units! Melee units!) of troops towards Mukden. Meanwhile, the Chukchi are doing the same, albeit with less Manchu resistance along the way.

If Kublai manages to snipe Mukden after a Chukchi siege, well, there are going to a be a lot of people on #stonk-chat laughing their way to the bank.

39: Unpaid Atoll

On South Island the Kulin have finally made landfall, with trebuchets and swords in place to sack Tahiti’s most productive cities. While Ra’iatea can knock out a swordsman or two, it looks to me like it will be too little too late. Tahiti’s navy, while putting up a valiant effort, is simply outnumbered by Kulin reinforcements streaming in from the west.

Offscreen, the Vandals make peace with Northern Yuan, and then presumably build another thirty trade routes to celebrate.

40: Don’t Barak The Boat

As with the previous slide, the Kulin are clearly starting to take this war seriously. We’ve seen them screw up catastrophically before, though-- literally last episode --but as of right now it looks like William Barak’s startin to flex his muscles a bit.

41: Bering Down

Up in the Bering Sea, it would seem that the Chukchi still have not righted their ship after their initial stumble in the war for Alaska. Seamysty is safe for now, and the Chukchi navy is making its way east, but Ujvyn is at serious risk of falling to Chinook chariots, and I don’t see many naval units in the area that could take it back. Sure, it’s a frozen hellhole, but it’s *their* frozen hellhole. I mean, it’ll probably be burned down regardless.

Somewhere else on the cylinder, it looks like a capital has fallen! I wonder whose it could be?

42: Kingston’s Landing

And it’s Jamaica’s! Kingston has fallen to Bolivar’s brute assault, all without dislodging that lone Jamaican swordsman to the west. With this capture, Gran Colombia brought $JAM crashing back down, and exacted sweet revenge for its earlier humiliation at the hands of Marcus Garvey. Jamaica could potentially flip the city back, but I doubt they’d be able to hold it for long.

43: Gibeon La Vida Loca

Across the sea in Africa, Namibia’s war with Zaire is… I mean, it could be worse for them. Sure, Kactchanas is taking damage, as is Gibeon, but at least Gibeon has an excuse-- it’s Gibeon. It exists to take damage and be flipped. That’s not Namibia’s fault. Meanwhile, Lesotho’s pikemen sit pretty on a citadel.

44: Not Jealous

Lima, the stubbornly-defensible rump of Peru-Bolivia, can’t catch a break, as a lone Mapuche trireme from the newly-settled city of Kuru Ko sails into Lima harbor. It totally has *nothing* to do with the Paraguayan snipe of Tacna.

45: Mosfellbaer In The Middle

Back in North America, Iceland takes back Mosfellbaer from Stuyvesant, courtesy of the Neutrals. The Neutrals, to their credit, seem to be building units again, and their position as it relates to both New Netherlands and Iceland looks to be a bit more defensible-- for now, at least.

Over in Asia, Punjab declares war on Great Perm, which would be a big deal if Uzbekistan wasn’t there.

46: They Razed Paradise

In the War to Pave Paradise & Put Up a Parking Lot, William Barak captures the Tahitian city of Mai’ao and sets it ablaze. While Purea has the ability to take the island back, there’s no guarantee she can hold it. In the south, Tahiti sends out another settler in search of an island that may be safe from the aggressors in the west.

47: Agog, Agape, Aghat

Back in North Africa, Elephantine stays Tuareg, somehow, while Cleopatra fumbles her way back into Paraitonion. All parties in this theater appear to be losing steam, and Burkina Faso seems more interested in going after Aghat than engaging the Ptolemies at the moment.

Over in the Caribbean, Gran Colombia accepts peace with Jamaica, having captured the only city that mattered in that war.

48: Steppe By Steppe

On the steppe, Northern Yuan has started building units again, but most are too far away to stop PARG from continuing its advance into their territory, let alone recapture Erdene Zuu before it finishes burning down. In the east, Kublai Khan is closing in on Bayan Tumen.

49: Nancy Drew of Drag

And just like that, Bayan Tumen has fallen to the forces of Kublai Khan. We also get a nice glimpse into his core, which looks better than one may expect. Further east, the Manchu defense of Mukden is starting to look wobbly.

Elsewhere in Asia, Raja Raja looks to see if that hair is human by declaring war on Great Perm.

50: Freeze

In Alaska, Chinook naval forces begin thinning out as the Chukchi counterattack holds the line and saves Ujvyn from falling.

51: For The Night Is Dark

On what can now be called Spanish Ireland, Gallic Forces close in on the Casnewydd. The Welsh people welcome with open arms the men in their metal suits from across the sea, and await for the love of the One True God, the Lord of Light. The cleansing fires of Gallic justice will free them of their unhappiness-- as well as all those extra letters in their city names.

In Asia, the Heavenly Kingdom joins Operation Shaved Head by declaring war on Great Perm.

52: Carnivandal

Here’s something we don’t see every day! It’s Brazil-- er, it’s Palmares! More specifically, it’s the Vandal navy barreling towards Palmares. Nice of them to keep up the tradition of maintaining absurdly large cities on Cape Verde.

53: Malacca Is Everywhere

In the Laccadive Sea, Malaccan junk ships spar with Hejazi and Punjabi triremes. We also get a nice view of the Chola capital, as well as Sri Lanka.

54: Participation Trophy Olympics

Switching over to another area we don’t see as often these days, Laos continues to press on with its humiliation of Vietnam, sending several units towards Saigon. While they have the units to take the city-- and therefore a chance to make history --whether they a) peace out first, or b) do it before the Gauls take out Wales remains to be seen.

55: Becky With The Good Nemes

Elephantine falls back into the hands of Burkina Faso, and it looks like it will remain there for good. The Tuareg lines are collapsing, albeit not as fast as those in Wales or Vietnam, but Thomas Sankara isn’t fooling around here. In the east, Cleopatra is finally getting off her asp (get it) and sending units to shore up the defense of Paraitonion.

I’m pretending I don’t see what happened in the bottom right. Rio Grande didn’t just declare war on New Netherlands.

56: Butanking

With Phuntsholing burnt to a crisp, the Chola set off to capture Sarpang, Bhutan’s last coastal city. The melee units and defense that could have been useful ten turns ago have finally materialized, so even if Raja Raja takes the city, Wangchuck can probably flip it back a couple of times.

57: God Save The Beaver

Malacca makes peace with Somalia. That’s all that is happening on this slide.

...okay, fine. Rio Grande fields a numerically superior force to New Netherlands. While Stuyvesant’s navy may be able to take down Rosillo’s, his land army is virtually nonexistent. What units he does have are mostly embarked around Cuba. Sure, Rio Grande’s units may be obsolete-- but at least they exist! Stuyvesant’s best hope is for the Appalachians and Floridian jungle to slow down Rosillo long enough for New Netherlands to build some more units and ferry the beaver supply to safety.

58: Pora Pora One Out For Tahiti

On South Island, the Kulin are primed to capture Pora Pora; from there, it’s only a matter of time for them to take Ra’iatea, unifying New Zealand.

Offscreen, the USSR and Manchu make peace.

59: Siberian Tradition

Well, that would explain the lack of an army. Northern Yuan is evidently so unhappy that it is starting to spawn rebel units within its borders. Meanwhile, even as the siege of Vladivostok fizzles out, Kolchak has definitely been building some more units. Who’d have thunk at the beginning of this episode that Northern Yuan would be the sick man of Siberia?

60: Haql Up A Lung

Back on the Arabian peninsula it would appear that Ptolemaic forces had at one point recaptured Haql and resumed razing it. While definitely suboptimal, Hejaz still holds its capital, as well as Al-Qunfidhah.

Tahiti, angry at the imminent loss of New Zealand and therefore the loss of their only mountain tiles, declares war on Bhutan, which essentially has no coast left. Nigeria makes peace with the Chola.

61: Everybody Wangchuck Tonight

Tahiti was, of course, the appetizer, as the main course has arrived for Bhutan: Punjab. Ranjit Singh, with his army of knights and shiny new musketmen, joins Raja Raja to the south in squeezing out what’s left of Bhutan. While Sarpang *was* unlikely to flip into Chola hands for long, this new declaration makes things a lot more dicey for Wangchuck.

If Sarpang and Paro fall, all the natural defense of the Himalayas become worthless, and Thimpu will be wide open for a siege.

On the minimap it appears that Kulin forces have taken Pora Pora.

62: Silver Linings Playbook

Avarga falls to PARG and is set ablaze. On the bright side, that’s one less source of unhappiness for Northern Yuan! And look, there’s only one rebel swordsman left! And they’re building units again! I mean, so is Kublai Khan, and so is Kolchak, but still-- there’s hope, right?

On the minimap it looks like the Tuareg sniped Elephantine back, which is really funny to me.

63: Surf & Turf

Back in Europe, the Gauls have begun their assault on Alesia, but the bisicilian navy looms large over their efforts. Spain continues to exist, and the Vandals continue to trade with everyone and everything

64: Hunger Sarpangs

With the aid of Punjab, Raja Raja has taken Sarpang, but unlike Phuntsholing has decided against razing the city. Ranjit Singh continues to put pressure on Paro, which is putting up only token resistance. Bhutan is going to need more than composite bowmen if it wants to survive this war.

65: Ontario No

In the Great Lakes region, New Netherlands is making a serious play for Kandoucho, while the Neutral army that should be defending that city has been cut off by a Mississippian citadel chain. As a New Yorker and beaver enthusiast, I’m happy Stuyvesant has troops up here, but would much rather see them down south.

We also get a nice view of the Mississippi heartland, too-- not bad, not bad at all.

66: Malaccan Lead

We turn our gaze now to the Philippines, where Malacca is aggressively annexing cities that were formerly of the Heavenly Kingdom. On Luzon, a worker declares infrastructure week, while further south and over on the mainland *musketmen* embark towards their foes to the north.Orange, what hath thou wrought?

67: Respite

Burkina Faso made a choice.Also, in what must be welcome news for Mandukhai, the Yuans declare a ceasefire.

68: Sitka Pinewood Derby

Sitka finds itself under siege by the Chukchi navy, which has made serious gains against the Chinook. Comcomly needs to upgrade his fleet-- and soon.

69: Kiwi For Your Thoughts?

Pora Pora burns as the Kulin navy surrounds South Island. With only a single pahi and a composite bowman, it’s very unlikely that Purea will be able to save her New Zealand holdings.

70: The Boer Were Here

A Vandal flotilla idles in the waters of Namibia, whose own troops are overflowing into the Atlantic. Lesotho’s core isn’t particularly populous, but it boasts a fair number of knights.

71: Erdemu Be Mine

The Chukchi make landfall on the Korean peninsula, taking Erdemu Be Aliha from the beleaguered Manchu. In the north, Chukchi trebuchets close in on Mukden, prepping for their final siege of that city.

Of note: if the top left is any indicator, it would appear that Malacca and Taiping made peace, as well as Malacca and the Kulin! That’s great news for the Heavenly Kingdom, and terrible news for Tahiti.

72: Right To Barak Arms

Uh-oh. After an otherwise great episode (at least compared to last week’s), unhappiness from the Kulin conquest of New Zealand has caught up with William Barak, as rebel units are popping up across Queensland. What’s worse than that, though, is that these rebels are musketmen-- units the Kulin don’t even have as a part of their regular forces!

Three barbarian musketmen with only a handful of composite bowmen and scouts nearby to stop them? That’s bad news.

73: Rough Trade

In the Atlantic, the Vandals show us why they are, indeed, the top South American civ. Their one-tile island cities rival South American native core cities in population, while the Vandal navy is robust and modern. Their culture is such that the borders of Cirta actually cross the ocean and touch those of the Marajoara-- literally a continent away.

74: So Why All The Chariots!?

And now for the technology sit-rep. Unsurprisingly, Nigeria leads the pack with 36 techs, although Malacca, Zaire, and the Chukchi aren’t too far behind. Additionally, the USSR, Vandals, Kulin, and Heavenly Kingdom aren’t faring too poorly, either.

75: It’s Good Exercise!

We haven’t seen much of Germany in this episode, so I guess this counts for something. The Kaiserreich plants a flag in the Faroe Islands, settling Magdeburg. Meanwhile, Iceland has re-carpeted its navy, but exclusively with triremes. What’s goin on, Eldjarn? You were a top performer at one point-- we have civs fielding musketmen now, and you haven’t built any other type of ship yet?

Ironically, the Gauls have erected what appears to be their own version of Hadrian’s Wall across Scotland.

76: Stuy Me A Rio

Peter Stuyvesant’s navy has mobilized into the Gulf of Mexico where it engages the Rio Grande fleet. While his ships are superior, Stuyvesant was caught with his fur-lined pants down this episode, and Rio Grande has more ships and more units closer to the New Netherlands core-- even if a lot of them are from the ancient era.

The Olmecs sigh in relief, having been granted this temporary reprieve from Stuyvesant’s navy.

In Europe, Kosovo makes peace with Wales, because we all totally remember them being at war.

77: Soft, Himalayan Underbelly

The vast Punjabi Empire is crawling with trebuchets, musketmen, pikemen, and knights all champing at the bit to get a taste of Thimpu. With only a handful of troops left-- and only two melee units --Bhutan is in dire straits. Geography would have saved them had they settled where they were supposed to. Now, with the fall of Paro, the entire southern flank of their empire is exposed. Can they survive? Of course! But with their capital intact? Ehhhhh…

78: Place Your Bets

Further east, the walls are closing in faster for the Manchu, as both the Chukchi and Yuan close in on Mukden. Both have the city surrounded with siege weapons, and neither have reserve melee units nearby. Mukden will fall, barring a peace deal-- but to which civ?

79: Laost Cause

The story is a little more clear-cut down in Vietnam, as the Laotian army continues to close in on Saigon. With elephants, horses, bows and arrows, polearms, and even an artist to commemorate the occasion, Laos is primed to take the city. If only they had a little more siege coverage-- then it would be a foregone conclusion.

At the mouth of the Pearl River, Taiping has finally built some more naval units to stand up to Malacca. Emphasis on the word, “some.”

80: Gib Peace A Chance

Zaire has captured Kactchanas and Nigeria has taken Gibeon, setting the eternal city on fire for only the hundredth time in 5500 years. Gibeon is dead, long live Gibeon!

81: Laugh At Me, Will They?!

William Barak clearly read the comments dragging his performance last episode, because this is overkill. Pora Pora is about to disappear, and Ra’iatea will fall shortly thereafter, but look at this troop deployment! Imagine for a moment if he sent this force north to attack Malacca when they were still at war.

Sweden makes peace with Northern Yuan. More like northern yawn.

82: Hejaz Hands

The eastern holds of the Ptolemaic Empire are bare, as Cleopatra is clearly more focused on her troubles in the west. While Ptolemaic culture filled in the gap left by the destruction of Haql, Hejaz should consider itself lucky. Mecca is safe, Hejazi colonies along the horn have been recaptured, and one of their primary rivals in the region is caught in a two-front war and unable to break out of stalemate.

83: Remember Kurdistan?

With Kublai Khan occupied, Northern Yuan once again turns its attention back to the city of Khovd, which Japan took from them some time ago. Given the city’s location, though, they’re in for a rough time unless they bring some siege coverage. Japan has the troops to repel the invasion, but at risk of considerable cost.Kurdistan has decided it’s had enough Yuan drama and declares war on Kublai Khan.

84: Khovd-free

In North America, Rosillo forward settles a city in Appalachia, Ciudad Mier, while his forces in Monclova press on towards Rotterdam. While that happens, New Dutch mounted units outside of Kandoucho stall, as their strategy of crossing a narrow spit of land towards another civ’s capital is proving to be ineffective.

In Asia, Japan makes peace with Northern Yuan. Khovd just wasn’t worth it, I guess?

85: Aghat Got Your Tongue?

Elephantine flips, again, and Cleopatra moves more of her troops into the west. Paraitonion is recovering, both in health and population, while Burkina Faso’s repeated and unsuccessful attempts at taking Aghat continue.

86: My Money’s On Disaster

In Manchurian Korea, a lone swordsman takes back Erdemu Be Aliha from the Chukchi navy, providing a much-needed morale boost to the beleaguered nation. News of this heroic act doesn’t spread too far, however, as Kublai Khan’s forces begin to land on the peninsula’s western shores, and Mukden’s health falls into the black.

In other news, PARG declares war on Yuan, which is… either a genius move, or a disaster.

87: Mariner’s Revenge Song

Meanwhile, near the Horn of Africa, the almost omnipresent Malaccan navy harasses Hejazi cities and spars with Punjabi triremes.

Offscreen, Jerusalem boldly decides to attack Georgia

88: Hope & Changmao

And now Taiping joins the fun! The Heavenly Kingdom, undaunted by their scuffle with Malacca in the south, declares that Our God Is An Awesome God, and marches north.Now armed with their unique unit, the changmao, Taiping has the potential to do some real damage here. The changmao gains a combat bonus while attacking cities so long as they do so from a pillaged tile. What’s more, cities they capture receive new defensive buildings! If Hong Xiuquan can get some of those trebuchets to roll on north, they stand to gain a great deal from the War For the One Yuan.Kublai’s forces are spread pretty thin, but props to the guy for already meeting PARG on the battlefield outside of Nizhneudinsk.

89: Mobuto, Sails Unfurled

Gibeon, when the walls fell; Jacob, his arms wide. Gibeon, when the walls fell again.

90: Dene’s Grand Slam

The… who? De… ne? Oh, they’re still around? And Mississippi declared war on them? That’s unfortunate.

All jokes aside, it was only a matter of time before the Mississippi set their sights on one of their other neighbors. As a New Netherlands stan, I’m happy it’s not my beaver bois.

Thanadelthur should be able to hold off some of the attacking forces-- for a time. Unfortunately, the landscape is flat, and her army sparse. Luckily, Tuskaloosa has decided to embark a number of units without naval escorts, and in range of city-based counterattacks, despite all of that open, empty space.

A world away the great war between Hawaii and the Chukchi ends.

91: Permanent Record

We take a glance now at Great Perm and Arctic Georgia. Despite a number of declarations of war from oceans away, Great Perm is humming along in its usual sort of way-- that is to say, it’s a disappointing turtle that’s lagging in tech, population, and units while its neighbors leave it in the dust.

There was a time they could have swallowed up Batumi and Gori, but with an army of four pikeman and far too many chariots, there’s realistically no way they could take on Tamar’s unique unit, which replaces the knight. Sad.

92: Simply Thimpu

And so the siege of Thimpu begins. Punjabi forces march on the Bhutanese capital while Paro burns to the ground. Sarpang is firmly in Chola hands, and most of the Bhutanese military is two mountain ranges away.

93: The Heat Is (Still) On In Saigon

Saigon is down to its last two military units as the Laotian advance continues to stall, always just one thrust away from capturing the city. Malacca continues to fortify its positions along the coast, with Hanoi and Hai Phong growing to respectable sizes.

Offscreen, Somalia and VOC make peace.

94: Beanz In The Trap

Mapuche triremes continue to hassle Lima, but the bean won’t budge. Now, with access to Paraguay’s borders, they can at least land a swordsman and try from the south.

In the west, the Kulin burn another Tahitian island-- this time Mo’ore’a.

95: Tradition As A Playstyle

The Ptolemaic army lurches westward and retakes Elephantine, with the strength of a musketman and longswordsman to hold it. Cleopatra finally looks to be going on the offensive here as Burkina Faso stalls out once again in their siege of Aghat. The Tuareg army seems to be just fine with that.

All these horsemen and chariots and swordsmen, when we know that Burkina Faso has the tech and resources to upgrade them-- truly another wasted opportunity by Thomas Sankara.

96: PARG Of Your World

PARG inexplicably pulls back as Kublai Khan rushes Nizhneudinsk; meanwhile, Heavenly Kingdom fighters penetrate further north. Mandukhai resettles Erdene Zuu as a suburb of Karakorum.

97: Playing Fast & Tuskaloose

In the war between Mississippi and the Dene, the Dene are… not doing too poorly? Sure, K’agee is in the red, but their knights and Hudson Bay navy are rushing headstrong into Mississippi territory. What’s more, the actual quality of units being fielded by both sides is pretty comparable. I mean, I only see one trebuchet on the slide, and it ain’t Mississippi’s.

This is Tuskaloosa’s war to lose, no question-- but the Dene don’t look so bad.

Oh, also the Chola and Zaire made peace.

98: Koalas Are Not A Luxury

Over in Australia, the Kulin are still plagued with rebel units-- at least this time they’re just pikemen, though. William Barak’s empire is well-fed and productive, sure, but if he doesn’t find some luxuries soon to balance out his lust for island massacres, this problem isn’t going anywhere. Vegemite and Foster’s can only get you so far.

99: A Fervor You Can’t Sweat Out

Well hello, Taiping, where did all these fun units come from? The Heavenly Kingdom did not come to play around-- their army is just cutting across Yuani (Yuanoid?) land like a hot knife through butter. Xian is in real danger of falling, and then Samdrup Jongkhar or even Liaoyang after that.

PARG is struggling to the north, but with Taiping hot on Kublai Khan’s ass, you can bet some of those troops around Nizhneudinsk will be heading south soon.

Also, hostilities between the Chola and Kosovo are over-- thank goodness!

101: Ptolemazing

And just like that, Burkina Faso makes peace with the Ptolemies. What was gained? What was accomplished? How is Aghat *still* not captured?! In theory, this should mean that the full attention of Burkina Faso can go towards taking the city, but at this point I’m not entirely convinced Sankara even *wants* to take it.

102: Boxer Rebellion Except With Pointy Sticks

In a turn of bad luck for the Heavenly Kingdom, a platoon of rebel landsknechts begin terrorizing the countryside near Suzhou. The problem here is that this is *before* capturing any Yuan cities (which they will most definitely burn) and *after* losing cities to Malacca. Given the happiness penalty to annexing and razing cities, this problem is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

Anyway, over on the Korean peninsula, the Chukchi flip Erdemu Be Aliha yet again.

103: Island Hopping

In the Pacific, the rush to claim the last few unsettled bits of land on the cylinder plays out. All of these spots will almost certainly be casus belli for one civ or another once their borders start to rub against each other.

Meanwhile in Europe, Sweden gives up on trying to conquer Wales.

104: Ekeuhnick Did It Better

Heading over to Alaska now, the Chukchi seem to have broken the stalemate with the Chinook and are pushing towards the mainland. Cathlamet, Necotat, and Willhametts are all taking damage with the latter-most primed to fall in another couple of turns. To the east, a troop of Dene scouts watches, lest the White Walkers make it through.

Across the cylinder, the Chola make peace with Burkina Faso.

105: Vladivostonks

In the conflict between PARG and Northern Yuan, Vladivostok still hasn’t flipped. PARG, while technologically superior, just isn’t pumping out enough units for its multifront war, as this city should have flipped ten turns ago. With longswordsmen surrounding the city, it *should* only be a matter of time, but PARG has failed to do a lot of things that it *should* do.

106: Mukdown

It might as well be a tale of two cities over here. In the southwest, Xian is completely surrounded by Taiping troops, with the Heavenly Kingdom sending north regular reinforcements; the land between the Yuan capital and the border is virtually empty, and Liaoyang may soon be threatened.

On the flipside in the race to take Mukden, the Manchu capital, Yuan stole the prize. Maybe now they can move some of those troops back down into their core, where they are needed far more urgently.

107: A Song Of Ice & Fire

Oof. That’s all I can say. It’s like last season all over again.

In a punch to the gut, the Chukchi have shattered through the outer line of Chinook cities, setting all three-- Cathlamet, Necotat, and Willhametts --ablaze. That’s a combined 20 population being burned to the ground.

108: Two Houses, Both Alike In Dignity (Or At Least Names)

Punjab and the Chola settle dueling, similarly-named cities on the ashes of Phuntsholing. That’s entertaining enough in its own right, but wait-- what’s that I see just north of Kartarpur? Is that… a cannon?

109: Manchutes & Ladders

The Chukchi take Ilan Hala and Aigun, setting the latter ablaze as they did with the Chinook in Alaska. The Manchu-- originally number seven in the power rankings --have been reduced to a city-state before the first elimination.

If there is any solace to be found, it’s that the Chola and Great Perm have found peace.

110: Go To Sahel

Nigeria continues to do its thing and completes the Leaning Tower, while Burkina Faso comes thisclose to taking Aghat.

111: Hit Job

With Mukden captured, Kublai Khan shifts his focus southward again, though it may prove too little, too late. Xian has been sacked by Taiping, and to no one’s surprise has been set ablaze. Furthermore, a large number of the Heavenly Kingdom’s unique unit started streaming north into the heart of Yuan territory-- with trebuchets in tow.

For Manchu fans hoping to find peace, the Chukchi will give no quarter. Spurned by the loss of Mukden to Kublai Khan, Lawtiliwadlin sets out to capture-- and most assuredly burn --Hetu Ala.

112: You Tried

PARG’s defense of Nizhneudinsk collapses and Northern Yuan takes the city, burning it like so many others. With the only two PARG units in range being two severely weakened knights, there’s no chance of saving the already depopulated city.

113: Whose Streets?

Bottle Creek they could stomach. Hell, at least Mound Bottom and Jaketown were funny. But Nodena? A city barely two tiles away from three others? That’s a bridge too far-- the people of Mississippi won’t take these injustices sitting down any more.

Maybe it’s the wars, or maybe it’s the infinite city spam. Maybe it’s something else entirely, but Tuskaloosa is facing rebellion at home on the outskirts of one of his most populous cities. Perhaps as a result he sued for peace with the Chinook, who are certainly not going to balk at the opportunity.

Unfortunately it may be short shrift for Comcomly, whose wars with both Mississippi and the Chukchi have left him so drained that Four Bears may actually be able to steal Nemah in the next few turns.

114: Anticlimax

After like… 30 agonizing turns and 110 slides, Burkina Faso FINALLY takes Aghat from the Tuareg, who retreat back to Kidal, becoming the latest members of the city-state club.

115: It’s Like Last Season, But In Reverse

In, “oh, is that still happening?” news, the Vandals start bombarding the Palmares capital in earnest, engaging Zumbi’s navy and landing units to the north of Macaco. If the Vandals really put their minds to this, they could swallow up the coast of South America in just another episode or two.

Offscreen, the Chola attack Japan.

116: Stubborn

Hey, remember this DoW? Despite like a century of fighting and being three times their size, Uzbekistan has barely penetrated Georgia. It looks like their knights are making a teensy bit of progress at Sukhumi, but the narrow strips of land that both Uzbeki and Georgian forces have to navigate make this war an attritious slog.

Meanwhile, Mississippi joins the Chola in their attack on Japan-- we’ll probably see a few more pile on, but unless Malacca or the Chukchi are one, they should be fine.

117: Pacific Theater

Or the Kulin, who also apparently tagged in, as Sanjo seems to be at risk of falling. For Purea this is probably a welcome respite, as it gives William Barak more targets that aren’t Tahitian.

Gran Colombia, feeling cheated by New Netherlands settlements in the Caribbean, looks for his own islands out west, with the very satisfyingly round Puerto Cabello doing advance work for another settler to the east.

118: Zairespray

In Namibia, all of those embarked units and ships Jacob Morenga had are gone, as Zaire starts to lay siege to Windhoek. Gibeon is safe, and Zaire-- like Punjab and presumably Nigeria --is fielding cannons in its arsenal.

119: Putting the PARG In Pyrrhic

After centuries of trying, PARG finally wins back Vladivostok. Kolchak heaves a sigh of relief and lines up his troops to continue advancing into Northern Yuan-- they’re already there, after all. Both sides are running on empty at this point, but at least PARG is using longswordsmen here.

120: That Land War In Asia

Xian continues to burn as Taiping consolidates its forces around Ningbo; Kublai Khan presses forward with his long march south to meet the Heavenly Kingdom in open battle.

The Chukchi have evidently made peace with Manchu, mere moments before elimination.

121

We end this episode with a view of the Klondike, now devoid of the several Chinook cities that once lined the coast. The Chukchi show no signs of slowing down, as they continue to send reinforcements to take (see: burn) Cathlapotle. The Dene, ever curious, pour into the ruins of Alaska-- perhaps as treasure hunters, perhaps something else --to see what once was. This episode we saw fortunes made and lost on the stonk exchange, fan favorites humiliated, and quite a lot of cities being burned to ashes.

8,000 words later, this has been u/PonderousHajj, and it was a pleasure narrating for you all. Before we part ways, I want to give a special shoutout to u/Dawkinzz, and congratulate him on getting married. You and your wife deserve every opportunity for happiness this life and this great city have to offer.

And to everyone else, remember: if you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?

Episode 8: The Gang Gets Stuck In A Meatgrinder – S2

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