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Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Civ Battle Royale. Returning after 10 parts of not narrating, I am CelestialDalek. The same warning as last time applies: if you are listening to the audio recording, I’m DocIdo, not CelestialDalek.
Civ Battle Royale Episode 12: The Best Defense Is Doing Literally Nothing – S3
Abstract
The story of two wonder-obsessed leaders, two military dictators, and a smorgasbord of other characters.
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Coiot: nathanmasse on the sub has us covered with some insightful graphs featuring changes between two previous episodes. You'll have to find them in the comments of ECH's stats post but they are worth the dig.
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Coiot: As expected, Orange releases just in time with the weekly comic. This week she reminds us that the Duck Dyansty is in trouble, and perhaps should not be playing games like Duck Duck Goose with the Cree around.
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Thank you to these esteemed patrons for supporting the running of Civ Battle Royale. I still don’t know why Lacs is funding making her own computer, but maybe her money goes to keeping the Tuvalu domain registration up. I’m not the financial manager here.
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Coiot: For a change we want to highlight this week’s biggest loser in the ranking which is Massagetae. Tomyris was looking fine and dandy being able to reunite her core but the short lived joint effort with Tuva now looks to spell disaster for her continued reign.
6: Baú Down to Me
We start off the games with Muisca continuing their attack on Baú through the forest. Their composite baúmen are trekking through the forest, but Kayapó has the advantage of tech fighting against their
On the outskirts of the fighting, an unlikely ally comes to help the Muisca. Scrooge McDuck has been tirelessly giving money to troops to afford rations, as well as terrify the residents of Baú out with horrendously bad singing. To get you in the Christmas mood, as well as give out more rations for the brave soldiers, you can listen to his debut CD here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svdvTYgN0Zw.
7: Quito It!
We pan barely southwards to watch a feeble war grind into nothing. As expected, the war between the Inca and Chile has been stopped by the hilly and mountainous terrain. Chile has advanced upon Quito, but adequate defenses should put them into a rout. Allende, however, thought ahead, and decided to build a large navy to bypass the mountains. Allende stopped thinking ahead when he realized that the cities he wants in this war aren’t coastal. Corihuayrachina may yet fall though.
Combining this with the last side, you can really see how much the Kayapo have been focusing on their military. Quality over quantity, I suppose, but I can’t help but feel as if they could put out a few more troops to cover their wars. They’re not exactly vulnerable due to the jungle terrain, but come on. Try harder.
08: $KOKing It Up
After the attack on Cavite el Viejo ended in an Indonesian victory, Olive Yang has decided to not pursue a costly attack on Malolos. The Philippines have defended their island with many ranged units, and while they did some damage, Kokang doesn’t have an overwhelming force to take it. The Philippines are also desperately hoping they could take their second city back with one spearman who must trek through a one-tile mountain pass… occupied by a ranged unit. We’ll see how their attempt goes.
09: I’m Sungulug Khagan, Get Me Out of Here!
Central Asia has been a heavily militarized area for the game so far. The Tuvans, Gokturks, and Han have enacted heavy conscription among their population, to varying effects in their wars. As usual, Qocho is around in the center of all of it, and not in the positive sense. They seem to keep surviving constant assaults, and taking his turn on the “Who Can Kill Qocho” challenge, Wu is sending forces in to capture Qarakhoja. The Qocho military is weak, but Sungulug Khagan has survived miracles before. He will pray in the bastion of his religion.
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Tomyris recently decided to reverse the diplomatic move of giving away Oxus to the Permians by declaring war to take the undefended city back. Unfortunately for her, the tide has turned now that there is no Tuvan front. Izhkar is back, and the Permians are preparing for an actual conquest of Oxus. The power-hungry generals want it on their terms this time, not on Azykay’s terms. But Tomyris has a trick up her sleeve: you can see on the sidebar she has made peace on the critical Ugandan and Filipino fronts. This bodes well for the war.
You can see she has a second trick up her sleeve, as she has declared a military dictatorship over her citizens. “Stay calm,” she says, “we need the troops. And if the Permians massacre our troops, we will satisfy the anarchists in our civilization.”
11: Mingling
Due to their recent peace deal with the Philippines, we can look at Ming’s core. It looks like a typical core for this part of Asia, as Yongle has invested in his military. Unfortunately, he forgot to invest in settlers, and he only has 4 cities to call a core, with two more offscreen. He has two settlers out, but this won’t close the gap between him and the upper echelon of civs. He happens to border some of the upper echelon with the Han and Kokang.
We can also see the embarrassing failure of Mori to the north, who took the “military over migrants” route and has failed to settle enough cities to fulfill their hype of being a bombastic naval civ. To their credit, they have some ships, and that’s more navy than a landlocked civ.
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Up in the frigid wastelands of the north, we get to see another abject failure from Japan. What are the Ainu doing? Evidently, absolutely nothing. However, the Gokturks and Kwakwaka’wakw are locked in a war to see who can taunt the Ainu by settling more cities than them close to Sat Poro Pet. The Gokturks are winning.
To give you of how little Ainu is doing, they are actually at war with Kwakwaka’wakw, but you might not have figured it out if I didn’t tell you.
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The war between the Massagetae and Permians continues to have residents of Oxus and Izhkar biting their nails to see who will rule over them next. While the Permians are on the verge of taking Oxus, Massagetae is poised to take it back once that happens. A scout from Kwakwaka’wakw waits nearby, seeing if he can tell Willie Seaweed to declare an opportunistic war and snipe a city. A Kyivan Rus’ scout lurks to do the same, and a trader from Vladimir wishes he could switch jobs and become a scout to take Izhkar. Tomyris also closes the crucial front with the Han to concentrate more forces on defense.
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Only a few miles away from the coast, a Wiradjuri settler finds himself unable to settle a city. Unfortunately for him, a Maori settler has settled another foothold on Australia. I’ve been seeing a lot of people hate on Wiradjuri, but I think they’re in a good position. Their military is formidable, and the Maori have decided that their footholds don’t really need defense, the citizens only WANT defense. Windradyne has also seen the comments, and made a few settlers because he felt sad about being bullied. You can see the one he sent towards the Maori foothold front and center, but down south he has another. Now, if he could focus his military, he could probably “settle” a Yolngu city.
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FDR is quickly leading the United States into the dead middle of the American civs. His military seems to not be fighting in Europe, but instead congregating around Chicago. Could they attack someone (that someone being the Arapaho)? Maybe, but that someone could probably muster the forces to repel the attack. Roosevelt has also sent some settlers to Chicago to make new suburbs in the tundra. In commemoration of the new suburbs, he declares the Republic of the United States of America. When questioned by a reporter what the states were, he quickly fled the room to his retreat in Philadelphia.
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Bengal has decided to become a monarchy, breaking the expectations of his military, who hoped they would follow the path of the Massagatae and become a military dictatorship. “Can we please go invade Indonesia? They’re close to us.” asked the Darbhanga Naval Base commander. “No,” said the mayors of the cities that Bengal put right in the Indonesian core. The angry commander turned into a settler and marched north, now determined to settle a city just north of Dhaka. “How about Pandya,” the new commander of the base asked, quickly before being fired due to not seeing the mass of Pandya forces near Tirunelveli.
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Roosevelt sits in the White House, thinking about how to expand the empire. “We’re called the Republic of the United States of America,” he mused. “It’s high time we break into the Spanish idea of America.” Finally, Tiwanaku and Vilcabamba become a new part of the American plan to settle South America. Unfortunately for Roosevelt, nobody is happy and the cities are now on fire.
With Scrooge McDuck still overlooking the attack, Muisca is continuing their jungle attack on Baú. Kayapó is also continuing their policy of not defending Baú. Although I was optimistic, the chances of it staying in Kayapó’s hands look bad.
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Rumors spread in Chad about Idriss Deby scoffing after hearing the news that Massagetae’s failing military established a military dictatorship. Shortly before riding into battle, he declared that his “actually strong forces” would take power. This is not a meaningless brag, because Deby has a very strong military. He also has quite a bit more: three settlers, a lot of population, and an indomitable spirit. It’s a matter of time before he spends his efforts on attacking someone again. Hopefully not Uganda, because that would quickly become a meatgrinder.
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Were you wondering how many reserves the Permians had? Well, here’s your answer. If you are a fan of the Permians, you might want to look away, because their core is not defended very well. They have swordsmen to spare, which could be a decisive factor against Tomyris, but will they really be? I mean, come on, Vladimir could wipe the floor with the Permians if they got into a war. Or Tuva if they wanted a second try. But not many other civs. Speaking of Tomyris, she has decided to close yet another front and made peace with the Bengali Kingdom.
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If you were paying close attention, you would have seen that Kokang settled a new city in the middle of Asia the last time we looked at the Permian-Massagetae war. Oxus is still tantalizingly close to falling back into Permian hands and then flipping, but the Massagetae military looks just as tired as the Permian’s. Surely this would be a good time to declare a ceasefire.
Speaking of a good time to declare a ceasefire, the Han forces have still not broken the “defenses” of Qarakhoja. At least some of Qocho’s units are dying.
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Hey, Michael Collins, you can’t have Macchu Pichu, that’s Tupac’s. How did you get it? How have the Irish developed the technology to steal mountains? When will the Irish get off their asses and start doing something interesting? Mr. Collins, stop running away, you need to answer these questions.
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This slide displays incompetence incarnate. Despite having a large navy, the Mori has seemingly only built ships in Suzuo. However, North Korean navy is nonexistent. Why couldn’t Mori Motonari have built a navy from his capital and attacked the North Korean coast? Why does he only have spearmen? Why can’t he just be competent for once in his life? You have a whole island to yourself, settle it before the fucking Ainu. We can see where the Ming settle from slides ago is going: probably to Japan, where they live in middle finger distance from Yoshida-Koriyama.
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Shocking nobody, mountains mean meatgrinders. The recent Cree assault on Kwakwaka’wakw is proving bloody yet maybe successful? Tsaxis isn’t losing health quickly, but it is definitely losing health, and Willie Seaweed is having a hard time with his military. This war is going to be a real slog for both sides, and it’s hard to tell who’s going to come out of it with Tsaxis.
Oh, remember the Cree-Modoc war? Poundmaker doesn’t either.
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In Mohave territory, a common misconception about the Arapaho is that Pretty Nose has all of her military concentrated in the south. We have much more range than Irabata and can easily dispel that. The Arapaho military is pretty weak, but the saving grace for any attack from the Mohave is mountain ranges. Thank god for the Rockies. But the Mohave look forwards to another front, as they have plenty of settlers that they could send down to Mexico and open up new fronts. Just kidding, they could do that, but there’s only one open spot far enough from other cities they can settle. They’re still looking strong.
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Over in Chile, everybody loves Harkuf! Whether he’s supposed to be an Old Kingdom official in ancient Egypt or a random guy named Harkuf, I don’t know. But what I do know is that he’s really popular. Using his Great Merchant Skills, he has already struck up a few television deals once Chile invents television. “I Love Harkuf,” “Better Call Harkuf,” and “Harks and Recreation,” to name a few. For now, his stand-up comedy shows provide both revenue and morale to the large amounts of troops stationed in Chilean cities. Look, even some Kayapo and Muisca scouts are coming from the south to visit him!
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Suharto approves heartily of the American tradition and forms the Republic of Indonesia. “Where’s Kissinger?” Unfortunately, he doesn’t realize that Kissinger was never in FDR’s administration. Feeling sad for him, Roosevelt sends the next most morally bankrupt person in his administration, J. Edgar Hoover.
“Please help me Mr. Hoover, I don’t like how Timor-Leste has advanced troops near my borders. They could invade me at any moment as revenge!”J. Edgar Hoover looks confused, because the FBI doesn’t deal with foreign matters.
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Sensing the weaknesses of Tetouan, Mali and Afghanistan declare war, eager to capture cities. This may prove difficult to Afghanistan, who is on a different continent, but Mali has a shot. They have used this shot to send settlers into the same ocean as Tetouan’s boats. Can’t win them all. If Keita get through the mountain passes, he has a shot at exploiting the weak land forces of Tetouan. If that happens, the land forces will quickly be reduced to a land force, because those units won’t be around for very long.
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We can see the full might of Pretty Nose’s military on display here, fighting valiantly against Modoc’s second city which they gave to Willie Seaweed. Will Pretty Nose take pity on the ailing Modoc empire and return it to them? (No. The answer is no.) Irataba is also trying to take one of Modoc’s city: the Modoc capital of Captain Jack’s Stronghold. Unfortunately, he seems to have forgotten the city is landlocked and is “attacking” the city with boats. I don’t want to spoil things, but this method won’t work.
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While Tiwanaku has stabilized, Roosevelt’s partisan troops have burnt Vilcabamba to a crisp. Everyone in Chicago is now cheering, or at the very least not crying themselves to sleep every night, now that that stupid city is gone. “What a cesspool” said a citizen who had never left his hex.
Scrooge McDuck and the Muisca forces are still stalling outside of Bau, and dealing more damage to the city. The city councils of Bau and Gorotire have overwhelmingly decided to continue the policy of not building any military forces.
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In a shocking twist, the Mali city that was settled right in a sea that Tetouan had lots of forces in is taking damage from lots of forces. I don’t see the other Malian settler out and about, so I can only assume it was also taken. Keita has failed so far to get his forces anywhere, and despite having not battled any forces, his frontlines look thinner than when he declared this war. To ensure that Tegdaoust will fall even if Tetouan vanishes suddenly, he also declares war on Castile. This would be a good move if Isabella had a navy.
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More people who do not matter declare war on Isabella. She has a brief period of panic as she reads the war declaration in a letter, only to realize the letter is from the Anglo-Norse and not the Anglo-Dutch. For now, Oviedo is safe.
Greenland has not been great lately, and Hans Egede is not living up to his pregame hype of marauding adventures in Europe. However, this may soon change, as a Greenlandic settler lands on Ireland. This change will definitely change again if Ireland declares war on them.
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Turkey continues to claim swathes of desert, having recently settled Mersin. This cuts off any hope that Yemen can have an empire that looks appealing on the minimap. They have two settlers out, but they’re just going to be reduced to an Arabian Chile, forced to settle right next to the coastline. On the bright side, they have over 50 trade routes. That could be helpful. Maybe. Someone just help them. I mean, they have cities ripe for the picking. Just declare war on Afghanistan and peace out before they bodyslam you. Same goes for Turkey.
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Somehow, despite being surrounded by plenty of both ranged and melee troops, Qarakhoja has yet to take a sliver of damage. Wu is lining up his entire military on the city, so maybe Sungulug Khagan’s streak of miracles is about to end. Or maybe he’ll manage to not take any damage again.
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Finally, Rio de la Plata has settled La Plata. These colonies, neither far-flung nor close-flung, will prove entirely useless in the future. All Mizque will ever do is produce some minor politician or artist one day. One of those people whose Wikipedia page is just barely at the length where it seems like it should have an image, but doesn’t.
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Shocking nobody, Oxus falls to the Permians. “I thought we peaced out with them but that was Botswana,” grumbles Tomyris. “Their colors look similar…” There are plenty of Massagetae forces who can retake it, at varying ranges of health. Unfortunately, historically Chiang Kai-shek lost and was exiled to Taiwan. Better luck this time. Izhkar seems to have stabilized, and the Permians now have a direct passage into Aral and will probably not use it due to lack of units around.
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Tomyris’s morning routine consists of waking up, making sure Afghanistan has not declared war, and then leading troops. Good for her, because an Afghan attack would mean death. The Afghan army is advanced, and could blow through any of their neighbors’ forces if it was concentrated. However, their pikemen are all around the empire to stop any domestic disturbances. They’ll get somebody.
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They say there are only two things certain in life: death and takes. I’d like to add a third: Metuktire building wonders. He gets more faith now. Good for him.
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Although America is not angry enough to go back and burn Tiwanaku again, its citizens are sad enough to go into a second dark age. The only difference between this and the last slide we saw of them is the sidebar, as their units appear to have moved very little. My analysis remains the same.
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To remind you of the existential threat to European civs, you get a shot of some of Brandenburg’s vast empire. They are intent on expanding even more and have sent two more settlers to claim land. Christ, slow down, you’re big enough as is. In a Dublin speech, Michael Collins announces his intent to invade, “right after we build another wonder. Or two. Or three.”
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In the city of Tumebamba, leaders of remote Maori and Inca lands agree that no settles of the other side shall go beyond the three-city lines they have set out: the Puka Tampu-Tumebamba-Ingapirca and Pirongia-Tokaani-Whatiwhatihoe lines. Will either side break their promise? No settlers are around to find out, but consider this. When was the last time you stuck to a promise to an AI while playing civ?
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The first relevant civ has declared war against Castile. It turns out nobody thought to give a breathalyzer to Michael Collins before the speech, and he was actually going to invade Castile. He broke his promise anyways, because he didn’t build a wonder in that time. He has some of his navy in the area, as opposed to Isabella, who has all of her navy in the area. The man on the boat boasts every day about how the navy is a one-man band. We also get a shot of Brandenburg’s Great Wall, reminding us that nobody is going to invade them for a while.
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As revenge on behalf of the Inca for Machu Picchu, Raoni has taken the wonder Collins promised to build before he invaded Castile and/or Brandenburg. Remember what I said about the third certainty in life?
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What a shocker. The city that Mali settled in an active warzone succumbs to being in an active warzone. It should have taken less time, but that’s Tetouan for you. Angola and Chad have decided together to keep being a complete nuisance with forward settles, and have put two random cities in the middle of the desert right next to Mali. “What are you going to do about it,” they taunt. “Wait and see, wait and see,” Keita says as he wastes his military.
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Poundmaker keeps pounding the gates of Txasis, bringing it down to the yellow. If you’re wondering how they are being so successful attacking a city nestled between mountains, you have your answer in Willie Seaweed’s Great General choice, who has embezzled all of the funds for military units and defensive buildings and used them to throw a military parade about how his defense of the city has gone on for so long.
The ranged units might have something to do with it too.
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The Permians have decided to go all-in on their next wave of attacks and are sending in a much bigger force towards the Massagetae cities. In the face of a huge counterattack, Oxus holds on, but Tomyris has left her flank open in Aral. Thankfully for her, so has Azykay. The war looks like it’s going to remain a stalemate for a while.
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The great settling war of the Arctic continues, and Ainu is soundly losing. They have a settler on Honshu now, and are gunning for having as many cities on Japan as Mori. We’ll see if a bad settling decision means they can’t reach that thanks to city distance requirements. Their army is still mostly seaborne, and for some reason there’s a Brandenburgese warrior around. I think Kwakwaka’wakw is still at war with the Ainu, but the war is still going at a crawl if that.
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The military buildup on Great Britain continues. Curious as to why his cities are not building wonders, Michael Collins goes on a trip to Galway to speak to local commanders. “If our army is good enough, it’s a wonder, right?” Collins is pleased and returns to Dublin. What is not pleasing is the copious amounts of settlers Brandenburg is sending out into the sea, hopefully to be lost to the mighty Greenland navy. Unfortunately, that is not realistic.
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Were you expecting Oxus to flip? If not, be honest, you were. The war continues to be a war of attrition, and the Massagetae forces are beginning to be outnumbered. It’s likely that more are going to die defending Oxus, and at some point they must wonder if it’s really worth it. Oxus has been a Permian city for their entire life anyways. Jaxartes has enough troops around it not to fall, so at least Tomyris can rest on that front.
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We get to see the Permian reserves, which show why the war is turning in Azykay’s favor: he has the production to produce reserves and send them to the front, and Tomyris does not. Thanks to his “amazing military might” (according to his speech), he immediately style himself “The Conquerer,” which seems a bit ironic given the fact that he’s won 0 cities this war. Maybe the Permians are just living in the past.
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Wiradjuri and Yolgnu decide to settle their differences and focus on the real enemy: their lack of settling. There is no reason that Windradnye should have done this badly in their war against such a low-ranking civ, but oh well. He has so many reserves sitting around Moothi, why weren’t they at the front? How are you doing such a bad job of settling Australia when you go up against a civ from New Zealand? Anyways, goddamn, look at Timor’s army. That’s a civ I want to see invade Yolgnu.
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Feeling threatened by all of their neighbors being actually powerful, Akhenaten declares Egypt to be a republic. Given the title of his capital, though, I get the feeling it’s only a republic in name. But, to the few people who still root for him, Akhenaten has another settler on its way to the nearest spot that he can settle, and hopes he can make a core again. Fat chance.
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The Castile navy has finally materialized as a response to the Irish invasion of Oviedo. It looks like Isabella put in too little, too late, because the Irish are still going to take it, just with a bit more resistance. They won’t be able to find a beachhead after that, so they might as well just stop it there.
The Greenlandic settler decides that Ireland is too close, and the sight of all the wonders is making them jealous. They make a mental note to DEFINITELY not settle near Kayapo. Worrying that Castile will build wonders, they declare war on Isabella.
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Khazaria finds itself at the rear end of two war declarations, one of which is important. Turkey would be going in with a lot of forces, but they forgot the step of lining up on their opponent’s borders. The citadel should make invading Samandar easy once troops arrive, but Tamantarkhan will survive.
We also get a shot of Tomyris fighting a losing war against the Permians. Tomyris has put Permian forces into retreat around Oxus, but her defensive line on Jaxartes has been massacred. A steady line of Permian troops approaches.
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The Normans join the anti-Castile war, sending one horseman onto Iberia. The war would be relevant if it weren’t for a Tetouan-shaped blot on the map with a flotilla of boats stopping progress. As is, the anti-Castile alliance will need to be content with Oviedo. Also, look at the terrible bordergore between Yugoslavia and the Normans. Actually, it’s not terrible, it’s great.
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Raoni Metuktire takes a wartime trip to Bau to see how the defense is holding up. Under the twanging sound of bows, he has a talk with the mayor.
“So, where’s the funding I gave you for the military?”
The mayor looked nervously out the cafe window at the huge shrine in the center of the city.
“Uhh, we’re building pikemen.”“Pikemen? Localized entirely within this city?”
“Yes.”
“Can I see them?”
“No.”
Raoni looked suspicious. “Ok, good job holding the city up. Here’s your funding.” He handed over a huge bag, chinkling with coins
He left the city, all the while hearing screams. “They must be overjoyed at our military might,” he chuckled.
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The Irish assault on Oviedo continues, bringing the city down into the yellow. The Castile navy has decided to split up, and are on the verge of being relegated back into nonexistence. Isabella has another trick up her sleeve, though. She’s sending a settler to launch a sneak attack on Dublin, striking right at the heart of Ireland. That is, if the undefended settler doesn’t get sunken to the bottom of the ocean on its way.
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Deep in the Pacific, a bunch of triremes of various nations congregate around islands in shallow waters. Their sailors experience the relaxing beach resorts, all while Kokang boats gang up on Pandyan ones.
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Mohave residents are unhappy with their state of life. Where can they go to experience tropical resorts, grow bananas, or overthrow a country to grow those bananas? The answer, Irataba decides, is Hawaii. Those settlers were not out to expand claims of Mexican territory, but instead to challenge Yongle on his pacific monopoly. For safe passage, they even make peace with a landlocked nation to ensure their ships aren’t sunk.
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Europe remains a land of three top nations, civs doomed for failure, and the Normans. One of the top nations, Yugoslavia, is trying to wreck one of the two Anglo civs around, attacking Lundenburh. Unfortunately for the Anglo-Norse, Lindenburg is not around to make airplanes and fly them into Yugoslavian cities, but Tito’s offense is stalling hard. Those pikemen could be very useful, but instead Tito has decided to use horsemen. This is still a leg up on Canute’s spearmen and warriors, but to prove himself a contender on Brandenburg and Lithuania’s level he’ll need to step up his game.
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Rio de la Plata and Chile finally decide to wake each other up, and after a heated argument at the bar, Allende declares war. San Martin’s military is looking outdated, but that might just be my eye being drawn to their warrior. Tupiza is doomed bar a peace deal, but it looks like San Martin has the upper hand in the north. I’d call it a stalemate, since neither side has enough reserves around to take cities. If Allende pumps troops out, on the other hand, the war could quickly turn in his favor.
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Raoni takes another trip up to Bau, having heard that Scrooge McDuck is preparing another assault on the city. He has yet another lunch with the mayor and shows off the city center.
“Cathar Perfect Raoni, I hope you’re ready for the great tour of what we funded.”
“I thought I just gave you money for the military.”
“No, no, it’s a regional expression.”
Raoni continued on the tour of the military facilities before stepping into the Bau Square.
“You know, that big mosque in the city looks an awful lot like the plans our architects drew up for wonder-making recently.”
“Oh, no, it’s an old family mosque.”“And this plaque calls it the Great Mosque of Djenne despite the fact that it’s obviously in Bau.”
The mayor paused.
“Excuse me for a moment.”
62
Finally, cracks in the defense of Qarakhoja are starting to show. The same cracks that a ceramic vase gets when you kick it. Qocho’s last city is finally being overwhelmed, and all that can save them is a peace deal now that Han has solidified their grip around the city.
63
Afghanistan has decided that if Pandya isn’t using its lands wisely, why should they be allowed a grip on southern India? Just as a middle finger, Durrani settles Chaghcharan right in the middle of Pandya’s empire, ensuring that in the event of war, they will start down a city. This is bad news for the three Pandya settlers visible here, who have decided to sulk and sit around instead of settling cities.
64
The Tetouan Offensive that Mali has been executing remains an abject failure in comparison to Keita’s model offensive. His army has run aground in the Atlas Mountains, and he’s still down a city. Tetouan is still a failure, even in comparison to its floundering neighbors, but at least they have a success to their name.
65
Ataturk has remembered that he needed military forces to take the city right next to his borders, and brought in horsemen to take down Samandar. It should fall soon, especially considering Khazaria decided to embark their navy to mount a defense of a city that doesn’t need defense. I mean, none of their neighbors could do it, and the Permians are occupied. It looks like they’re finally bringing in enough forces, as a worrying amount of decent troops are approaching Aral.
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My commentary on the last slide remains true, because this is the same turn. The Massagetae military has been eviscerated, and the Permian onslaught has taken their capital into the yellow. It’s great to see the Permians, who were just down on their luck, smash back from a stagnating war.
67
Eastern Siberia remains in a constant state of standoff. The empires of Han, Tuva, and Gokturks are all looking at one another’s land with eager eyes, and although the Gokturks are the weakest in the PRs, they’re still a force to be reckoned with. As evidenced by the Tuvan and Gokturk’s settler masses and the recent founding of Chenxian, everyone in this triangle is actively settling and trying to expand their empire. Qocho does not count as part of the triangle because death is imminent.
68
Due to anger at the mayor’s widespread embezzlement, the defense of Bau has crumpled worse than before. The city is now in the yellow, and while it looks surrounded by ranged units, the triremes outside will likely do the killing blow. Nemequene is overjoyed about the wonders that are going to come into his empire, and less overjoyed about the corruption whoever is running the city had.
69
After much naval skirmishing, Oviedo falls. The Castilean navy isn’t as crushed as it might have been, but it’s close, having been cornered just off the Isles. Unfortunately for Isabella’s chances of retaking it, the Anglo-Dutch are in the way to get to the city, so her forces must go through the Bay of Biscay to retake it, where the Irish navy will lurk. Greenland has decided to run away from the skirmishes and stop Brandenburg from settling their islands.
70
“Look at me, I’m still relevant, right? I’m an African powerhouse.” Seretse Khama’s words are falling on deaf ears, if any at all. Although he has settled a 4th city, he’s stuck between the Zulu and Angola. While he isn’t in eminent danger from the Zulu, any way would prove itself as a meatgrinder, and Angola is dangerous. The biggest problem is they are outclassed by a mile by the Zulu anyways, and they’re still a middle-of-the-pack civ. At least they’re alive.
71
After a hard-fought war, Poundmaker finally breaks through and takes Tsaxis, immediately setting it ablaze. It may flip, and I doubt they’ll be able to get to Willie Seaweed’s capital, but it’s the same terrain. I thought that about Tsaxis earlier, and now it’s on fire. The ranged forces that did so much work seem to have decided to ditch their bows for horses as well, and there are swarms of Cree horsemen around. All I can say is that Kwakwaka’wakw isn’t at their peak.
72
Josef Tito, having received reports about the Egyptian settler looking to found a new city, has decided to declare war on Egypt to keep them in blissful citystatehood. Outside of Pristina, the Yugoslavian colony in the Sahara, there is an Egyptian composite bowman, but that shouldn’t prove a problem for Yugoslavia, given that is literally the only unit Egypt has within an 8-tile radius. It won’t amount to anything except making Akhenaten look somewhere else for a core.
73
Despite having overwhelming forces, the Permians decide to end their long and deadly war with the Massagetae. This isn’t a great decision. Jaxartes was on the verge of death, Oxus was probably going to flip again, and the sea of forces around Aral dried up. This marks the first war between Tomyris and Azykay where Tomyris did not give Oxus away.
You can barely see on the right side of the screen that Ataturk’s atattack on Khazaria is chipping away at the city strength.
74
Predictably, although nothing on the main front has taken damage, the Chilean exclave of Tupiza falls into the yellow. Although Jujuy has yet to take damage, a small Chilean fleet readies itself for combat outside its borders. Rio de la Plata has a much larger fleet, which they could use to throw a spanner in the works of Chile’s plan, but I think the war won’t be long-lived enough for that. It might, though.
75
Citizens of the sprawling Han empire have both good news and bad news awaiting in their mailbox. The good news is residents can now flock to Zhuoxian for their vacations, and the bad news is that despite being in the red, Wu’s great military genius has surrounded it with ranged units. There are melee units in sight to pick up a new city for the empire, but they’ll take a turn or two to arrive. A turn or two wasted. Avi Mota also exists because the Mohave incorrectly thought they were settling a pocket dimension of the Sonoran Desert, and they forgot to build any military units to protect it. It’s a sitting duck.
76
Two pikemen who decided to take a vacation and stop defending Bau sit outside Kremoro. Unfortunately for them, they were kidnapped by the mayor of Bau, who fled the city as it was being attacked, and forced to work on Angkor Wat. Now that they have completed their handiwork, they can go back to doing what the Kayapo military has been doing recently: jack shit.
77
Willie Seaweed returns to save Txasis from burning, taking it back thanks to the help of his fleet and his… scout replacement? Got it. If you forgot the Modoc-Cree war was still going on, some damaged troops in the southeast of this slide are here to remind you that they are still at war. The attack at Tigwaxsti has mostly retreated, and it’d be wise for the Cree to not lose too many troops attacking it. On the other hand, they are in no danger of Arapaho’s “military” attacking them, so go ham.
78
Sometimes I wonder what the AI is trying to do. The Kayapo “defense” of Bau is one of those cases. As opposed to X1’s Kuikoro, the jungle civ has decided that the jungle can fight on its own and you don’t need troops to turn wars into pointless meatgrinders. Bau is all but fallen, and although no units are in immediate range to take it, they’ll get there soon enough. What baffles me most is how Bau built two wonders in the span of two turns and the code for the AI never factored in the fact that the city was under attack. Come on, Raoni, 45 population doesn’t make you win automatically, you need a military for that.
79
Vermont and Greenland sign a white peace in a war everyone except for a very devoted composite bowman forgot was going on. Even though there was little to no action, this one Windsor citizen had been sitting on his hill, firing his bow over 70 miles towards Holsteinborg. The dedication is admirable, even if they were trying to hurt Greenland.
80
Turkey continues to smother the dreams of Yemen’s citizens. From ruining the dream of a Yemeni Arabia to turning them into a Arabian Chile, they’ve cut off all of Yemen’s expansion paths. What they can’t cut off is the sprawling trade economy in Yemen, as I count 20 of their traders in this shot alone. Now they just need to figure out how to buy military units, how to buy cities, and how to buy happiness.
81
Allende continues the Chilean-Argentinian unification war, taking Tupiza and knocking at the walls of Jujuy. However, San Martin just remembered he has a navy and is poised to flip Tupiza. Allende did not remember San Martin had a navy and didn’t bring reinforcements to reflip it. You can barely see up north, but Allende has made progress into Platanese lands, despite having not done damage to any cities.
82
Due to the fact that we last saw Tsaxis in Kwakwaka’wakw’s hands, we can infer from the notification at the top of the screen that it flipped to Poundmaker and back again. Willie Seaweed is encountering better luck in the south with Agawesh. Although Pretty Nose has forces to attack, which is probably her entire military, it’s still not enough to take it for now. If she tried harder, it could fall, but that doesn’t look like it’ll happen.
Mohave is banging their head into a wall trying to take Captain Jack’s Stronghold, once again forgetting that it is not a naval city. Captain Jack sure is holding strong.
83
The Zulu settle Nodwengu on a one-tile island, which begs the question as to why they didn’t use the settler that made it to settle where Botswana put their recent city. Uganda is still slugging with Kilwa over Mbarara, and I can’t help but feel like they should just cut their losses because Kilwa can just effortlessly flip it each time. What a waste of military. To help flipping Mbarara, Kilwa has made two carracks outside of Sofala. From what I’ve seen, only Afghanistan also has carracks, so this will prove invaluable for the Kilwan war efforts.
84
Although Han forces should have taken Qarakhoja by now, there’s something that has sewed much discomfort in the armed forces. For some reason, Guangwu, a Western Han general, has popped up in Gokturk lands, and almost everybody nearby living in Chengdu is very mad. Wu has declined to comment on the resemblance, as well as stating “well, his title says he’s Guangwu of Han, not Western Han. Come to papa.”
85
Confirming what the notification said, Txasis has indeed flipped back to Kwakwaka’wakw control for now. It’s damaged and surrounded, so the flip won’t last. However, this next one might be the last, as the Kwakwaka’wakw navy all died flipping it the past few times. Their capital still looks to be in a safe position.
86
It doesn’t make sense that Timor-Leste has gotten to this point. Their start was absolute garbage, their neighbors should beat them, but they have tons of science and are in a safe position. They could and should wreck the Yolgnu, and have plenty of chances to keep expanding against Wiradjuri, who have settled another city on the Cape York Peninsula. Wiradjuri also has chances, and their pikeman shows they’re at a comparable tech level, but they just need to stop floundering.
87
Wiradjuri founds another city on the same turn in Tasmia, which makes a line that may make reinforcing Maori cities difficult. The Maori feel challenged, and are currently sneaking a settler past enemy lines while there’s still a gap there. For Maori’s settling craze, they still should settle the very bottom of South Island…
88
Jujuy falls to Chile, cementing Allende’s grip on Patagonia. While Tupiza will flip, it looks like San Martin can’t keep up a flipping cycle for very long, but Allende’s navy will be stopped at Maipo. Looking up north, we see a different story: San Martin is slowly folding. His decent carpet is nowhere to be seen, Tucuman is being surrounded, and worst of all Allende is bringing troops north from Rancagua and Concepcion. Tupiza is an extra city anyways, but the Platanese core is the main objective for Chileans.
89
It’s a good thing horses don’t have emotions. A lone Han horse, unfazed by the shock of Guangwu of Han being a Gokturk soldier, has wandered into Qarakhoja. The frightened citizens, including Sungulug Khagan, are bowing down to their new horse overlord. The horse plans to host military parades in the city once the news reaches Wu (the Han one, not Guangwu) and retire to a life of eating hay.
Qocho never played well this game. They sent their starting settler up to Siberia, and then used their position in mountains to hide from the consequences of their actions as long as they could. It finally caught up to them in the end, but at least they didn’t play as badly as the Comanche.
90
Oveido has settled firmly in Irish hands, as Collins has sunk the Castile’s navy, before hauling it to a museum and hailing it as “Ireland’s 8th Wonder”. He’s hardly faced difficulties fighting this war so far, and sunken a lot of the embarked troops Isabella decided to send out. Rumors in Dublin say that Collins is going to find another orange civ to declare war on. Yolgnu citizens are unstirred by this news.
91
Finally, thanks to the hubris of Raoni “Military Is Useless” Metuktire, Bau has fallen. Also a major factor was the tireless generosity of Scrooge McDuck. The Muisca are rearing for an attack on Gorotire, and taking it would be devastating, but it has even better defenses by virtue of being landlocked. Kayapo does not have better defenses because they are building wonders instead of doing anything useful.
92
Indonesia continues to settle sensible locations, finally surrounding Bengal’s random settle on Java entirely with Semarang. Although their stats aren’t great, their unique ability is very powerful and almost certainly helped them take out Cavite el Viejo. If they could tech up like Kilwa is doing, they could become a regional powerhouse tantamount to Timor. Cambodia and the Philippines, on the otherhand, are going to be the regional punching bags for a while. That’s a poor analogy, because punching bags are built to last for multiple punches. Cambodia and the Philippines are more like a bag filled with C4.
93
Turkey continues chowing down on Samandar, bringing it into the red where it can be taken next turn. This is still evident, so we turn to the northeast again, where the Permians and Massagetae are licking their wounds and readying for a future round 2. Azytak is making bombastic speeches about how Oxus contains mostly Permian citizens, even though he is wrong, and Tomyris is staying in her palace and going full-throttle on producing units to not die.
94
We end with a shot of two rather barren cores: those of Cree and Arapaho. Both of them have shifted their military to active fronts, leaving their flat underbelly open. However, Pretty Nose could take a chunk out of Poundmaker right now, because she isn’t even trying to fight Willie Seaweed. Out of the two, I definitely favor the Cree right now due to them having a military. Unfortunately, they just fell into a dark age.
But peace is on the continent unless you are Willie Seaweed, and I hope peace is upon you for the holiday season. I had fun narrating this episode, and I hope you enjoyed reading. Have fun vacations and wallow in there not being an episode next week. Until next time I narrate.