Civ Battle Royale ← Episode 12: The Best Defense Is Doing Literally Nothing Episode 14: Furthermore, Kilwa Must Be Destroyed →
As our war game enters the new year, we get a peek through the eyes of history into the Civ Battle Royale.
Welcome, one and all, to the Civ Battle Royale... X! I’m your narrator for today, /u/ExplosiveWatermelon - I’m a fan of the show, have been for over 5 years at this point. I’m also the co-creator of Kokang, the Beast of Burma this season.Normally I don’t have much to say here, but I figure it’s worth saying that I’ve really appreciated seeing all the people returning to the show and interacting on the subreddit. With that, let’s get on with the pre-show.
Shout-out to /u/veryice for this little meme. I see a lot of people talk about civball comics and the like, but in my opinion? Sometimes the simplest things shine the brightest. This made me laugh, so I appreciate things like this.
As always, there’s a wonderful map by Vihreaa showing the extent of the game. Honestly, it looks like the maps’ starting to fill out- and what a game it looks to be!
Everyday is Donation Appreciation Day when you ignore what the calendar says! These lovely peeps not only help keep the show running, but also enable the CBRX team to do cool stuff- such as run the CBR website!
It’s ya boi, Donduk “the Cooler” Kuular, once again at the top of the PRs. Tuva’s already established a powerful presence in only a dozen episodes- let’s just hope they’re as successful as they are entertaining.
As much as Irataba tries to hide it, he knows there’s a great mistake in his calculations to take Captain Jack’s Stronghold- unlike a certain other Captain Jack, Kintpuash is not a sailing man, and his capital is not on the coast. To make matters worse, his most trusted admiral was not an admiral of the seas, but rather one of the skies.
She claimed she could make wings out of wax and feathers and attach it to her boats. However, the boats flew too close to the sun and plummeted back into the cylinder. Thus, the world’s first plane crash happened before planes were even invented.
Yoshimoto Sei, historically a co-founder of a Japanese talent agency, gives her business card to the Admiral. “You could probably write some articles about stuff like this.”
Sir Thomas Roe, ambassador of the Permians, has been assigned to make friendly relations with the nearest City-State. Unfortunately, City-States don’t actually exist, so instead he spent his time awkwardly chatting with people at the taverns of Uros, trying to explain what his job actually entails.Due to his travels, we get to see both the restoration of the Permian state, and the army affairs of Vladimir. Vladimir has a pretty solidified army, whereas the Permians have been incorporating their conquests from Khazaria.
Tuva finally builds a Citadel outside of Qarakhoja, but unfortunately, Qocho has already been conquered by Han. While Tuva might have the numbers advantage, the terrain heavily favors Han soldiers. If Qocho managed to win by doing nothing, I don’t think there’s any chance Tuva would be able to push through Han soldiers- especially with their Worker-centric composition.
Gokturks, on the other hand…
The Kayapo, a constant thorn in the Americas, might just be the Kingmaker of the CBR. They’re not gonna win- their unit composition of “Trees” and “Bananas” suggests otherwise. However, their unique Granary- the Uncuã- provides some powerful growth bonuses that can be seen in the fact that Gorotire has a population of 46. However, these cities aren’t being used to help their own conquests- in fact, their only general is Timur, known for his failures during Mark 2. The real winner isn’t the Kayapo, but rather, whoever can take the Kayapo cities- and right now, it looks like that’s the Muisca.
It seems that Mr. Seaweed has had his Taxis captured and set ablaze by Poundmaker. Thinking quickly, he urges for a peace deal with the Inca-“If we can’t handle an enemy at our front door, how are we supposed to handle an enemy at our BACK door?” he justifies.
Meanwhile, Tupac Yupanqui gets a letter in the mail informing him of the peace deal. “Oh, I forgot about that war,” he says, before tossing the letter through a basketball hoop that conveniently hangs over his trash can.
In more serious matters, I don’t think the Cree can really get farther. They’re razing Tsaxis, which would’ve been their only city on the West Coast. That also means they don’t really have the ability to take the Kwakwaka’wakw cities by sea, forcing Poundmaker to traverse the mountains. Famed Cree general, Sargon, has his work cut out for him
The fighting seems to have died down in this region. I don’t think Agawesh is going to switch teams anytime soon- the Rocky Mountains have almost guaranteed that. Still, there’s one competitor who stands a chance- Captain Jack, otherwise known as Pintuash, who is currently throwing small stones at Mohave vessels.
Say hi to Kodama Gentaro in Modoc territory! Unfortunately for him, I side with Tokugawa and the Shinsengumi (Speaking of, I believe Okita Soji appeared in a previous episode.) I don’t think he can expel many “barbarians” when there aren’t any encampments on this map, but he could potentially help expel the Kwakwaka’wakw from Agawesh, returning the city to its rightful owner. That said, it won’t mean much in the long run, and it’s unlikely while the Modoc are under siege from the Mohave.
Also, if you look closely, you’ll see the Kwakwaka’wakw have failed to flip Tsaxis. That means the city’s done for- the mod that makes Civilizations stop razing cities can’t save cities that are at 1 population.
I won’t hide my bias- Timor-Leste has become my favorite civ in this royale. Yes, even above my own civ, who is still performing wonderfully. The reason why? They’ve gone from Shoeshine to full Underdog. I think a large part of it is due to the religion they’ve founded- Timor-Leste is a militaristic civ that derives a lot of its bonuses from their religion, and since Timor-Leste founded a really good one, they can actually make use of their Military Units being stronger when adjacent to Religious Units. With the addition of a reformation belief (signaling that Timor-Leste has gained another policy in the Piety branch) they can further establish their regional dominance…
At least, for now.
Samandar is down to the red with Turkish units surrounding the city. They’re all horsemen, but let’s be honest- there’s no recovery for Khazaria at this point. Even if they DON’T get exiled to Tamantarkhan, they’re just another cog in another civ’s war machine. Their death won’t even matter because Atil has already fallen. It’s quite unfortunate. I think the civ’s really good- but their performance ends here.
In the territory of the Mohave, the Paro Taktsang opens up for people who either want to achieve enlightenment, or take some selfies that make them look “cultured.” Well, they might not succeed in making themselves look anything but vain, but the high entrance fee will definitely make the Mohave feel cultured. No, seriously, it generates +1 Culture and +1 Faith from mountains- decent for a civ this close to the Rockies, but still rather weak.
Often, these more informative slides go overlooked because they don’t seem as “fun.” However, there’s some important things to note here-
First, the Buddhist religion founded by the late Qocho seems sure to fade into obscurity as Tengrist practices take over east Asia.
Second, South and Southeast Asia are rather irreligious at this moment in time- although Arianism looks to be making its way into the mainland. Note that religions aren’t just good for their founder, but also those who follow them- a civilization without a religion is at a disadvantage against those who do. This also means Afghanistan, which follows Sunni, has yet ANOTHER advantage over poor Pandya.
The previously-mentioned Reformation bonus that Arianism gained is Indulgences, which I must say is a pretty strong one:
+1 Food, +1 Production, +1 Science, +1 Gold, +1 Culture, and +1 Faith in Cities following this Religion.Yes, +1 to every standard yield, just for worshiping Arianism. This is a pretty strong bonus to Timor-Leste, whose cities all follow the religion.
In what sounds like a lovely meal, Chile falls upon the Plata! Tucuman hasn’t taken damage yet, and the units that surround it are mainly cavalry- they won’t last too long. That said, it’ll help clear out the few Rioplatanese units defending the area. Hannibal god-damn Barca is commanding from the comfort of the capital. Buenos Aires is safe, but Tucuman is not gonna have a Buenos Dias…
In a twist that rocks the foundation of the world, beloved North Korean leader Kim Il-Sung takes over the state with assistance of the military, establishing a dictatorship putting him in absolute control!This changes nothing, as Kim Il-Sung was already an immortal leader destined to rule North Korea for eternity. Still, it has made life even more miserable for the citizens of North-and-South Korea.
I should note: Han has a decent navy within striking distance of Chongjin, whereas the Korean navy consists of a fishing boat with a chariot on it. Honestly, that doesn’t seem too pleasant for either the crew or the horses.
Stretch those eye muscles because the Inca have decided that the Kayapo are, like, so 2022. They don’t have much of an army to send shivers through Raoni’s botoque, but there are two significant issues for Raoni:First, Kuben-kran-kren is on-par with the defense of cities like Machu and Chan Chan. That means the Inca physically CAN take it, but whether they will is another matter.Second, the Muisca are still at war with the Kayapo, and because they both hold one of the other’s cities, it doesn’t seem like a peace deal will happen so easily.
Also, the United States joined in, because it wouldn’t be America if a Roosevelt didn’t support a war in Latin America somehow.
Robert Guiscard, renowned fox-boy of the Normans, has made a hobby of ship-building. He has lovingly picked out a name for every boat, however, the choice of names has raised several questions.
“A strong navy means a lot in the mediterranean,” said Capt. William LXXXVII Hauteville, captain of the famed vessel Robert Guiscard’s Facepuncher, “So having a name that spreads fear is important. That said, I don’t know whose face a ship would be able to punch…”
Robert, having grown attached to the ships he lovingly named, is a bit worried about sending them to war. He doesn’t want them to get hurt, after all.
Irataba, the most notable Weeb in the Mohave lands, sets sail for Japan in order to attend a convention run by the Mori clan. “Since it’s run by the Mori, it’ll be perfect for diplomacy~!” he says, posing menacingly with his real-ass god-damn Katana. This might sound like I’m making some weird joke, but no, Irataba actually did have a Katana.
On the route of his bizarre adventure, he starts settling a few cities on the islands of Hawaii. The Ming seem to have gotten the best bit, but this could still be useful as a bridge to Asian conquests. That said, it seems a bit too early for them to be of much use.
Everybody raze your Yongles because Han, after extinguishing the Qocho, has grown accustomed to the taste of blood! Han has a powerful army, but… it’s not at the front. Longbian could be in danger. However, Wu of the Tang clan doesn’t fear the Ming army, as he established in his diplomatic response/diss track:
I’m a Man of the Han, what’s Zhu gonna do?
When Wu drops on you like the might of Manchu
But now the Ming don’t got Qin Liangyu,
Nor plenty martial like the age of Longwu
I’m a true Han cause I start with a Bang-
I’’ll always rule over you, call it Jianzhang
But I’ll crush the Ming worse than the banners of Qing
And I’ll make another Eunuch when I take Nanjing
In dire news, Kilwa has declared war on Cambodia! This surely must be the end of Norodom Sihanouk’s reign…
Ok, but seriously- Kokang ALSO declared war on Cambodia, and… I honestly don’t see the city falling yet. Sure, it’d be a pretty easy push- but Olive hasn’t sent her boys anywhere close to Phnom Penh, and the city’s got a carpet of Composite Bowmen. I could see this potentially opening the way for Indonesia to snipe another city from Olive’s clutches.
Sihanouk’s response has been to taunt Prince Olive Yang, flipping the bird and referring to her solely as “Miss Hairy Legs.”
Tupiza flips to Rio de la Plata, and it’ll probably flip a bit more. My honest opinion? I think Rio de la Plata’ll keep the city. Even if Chile flips it, their attention is mainly on the northern front- Rio de la Plata’s triremes can flip it a few more times, but Allende only has two melee units within range after that.
Hope seemed lost for the Cree invasion of Kwakwaka’wakw territory. I thought there was no way they could push through the mountains. The war seemed over.BUT WHAT’S THIS? IT’S THE MARQUIS DE LAFAYETTE WITH THE STEEL CHAIR!
The Hero of Two Worlds makes their appearance as a Cree general, leading a metric fuckton of Horsemen past the mountains. Mr. Seaweed’s Hamatsa dancers might put on a stellar performance, but they don’t mean much for defense- the front has now been pushed to the walls of Tigwaxsti.
The Ainu, seeing the perfect opportunity to strike at the Kwakwaka’wakw are about to launch their master plan. Suddenly, a ragged-looking American barges in. He is followed in by veteran commodore and star of hit NBC sitcom Friends, Matthew Perry.
“OPEN YOU DOORS. STOP HAVING THEM BE CLOSED.” The actor says.
“I have come with…” The strange American beside the Commodore dramatically pauses, “a compromise.”
The Ainu look at each other. They don’t speak English, but the message is clear- peace is the only way. As such, in compromise with the strange American, they have learned not to hate, but to LOVE the Kwakwaka’wakw.
The Philippines send their settlers out of Malolos. It’s not like they’ll do much, but anything’s better than their current position. I’m honestly impressed by how the Philippines dropped the ball like it was New Year’s Day- they settled their second city on the mainland, and never took advantage of it. Their windows of opportunity have all slammed shut.
Thomas-Alexandre Dumas, le père d’ Alexandre Dumas père, has decided to lend his aid to Kilwa in order to assist them in retaking the city of Mbarara (which has returned to Uganda’s hands.) Although his reasons are unknown, some say he has a tragic backstory that justifies a lust for revenge against Idi Amin.
His true reason is that it pays well. Like, really well. Considering that it doesn’t look like there’s much war to fight, I’d say it was a good deal for him.
Government screenies! Yay!
Michael Collins has a really cool title- since they founded Catholicism AND are a Theocratic state, their title is Catholicos-Patriarch. Dope shit.
Jonas Savimbi, not content with having ONE cool name, has decided to don the moniker of the ‘Warrior of Angola.’ Of course, as flamboyant as he is, Jonas has made an utterly incomprehensible speech about it:
“Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in this history of mankind. Mankind -- that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom, not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution -- but from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we win the day, the 4th of July will no longer be known as an Angolan holiday, but as the day when the world declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Civilization Battle Royale X: Season 3!”
Roland Emmerich has already issued a copyright strike on the video uploaded to the official UNITA YouTube channel.
Worshippers of the Peyote church pray to the spirit of the Iron Shaman, forced to wander the plains for eternity, looking for a place to settle…
Bill C. Weed, Politarch of the Kwakwaka’wakw Republic, stands out as one of the few on this screen with a distinct title. I’m not exactly sure how it chooses between the leader’s title, but I think it gives it some variety.
The Swahili Horde is really fun to see, considering they’re a mainly Naval civ. I don’t know what in their biases made them think a nomad state would work, but honestly? I think it vibes.
Allende, you were supposed to destroy the bourgeoisie, not join them!
Also, Bulan’s military dictatorship flavors him as a Pasha. I dunno how they did that, but that’s sick.
Not much to note here, other than the fact that Jo Bro Tito has a pretty fancy name- Josip Broz Tito the Glorious, Lawspeaker of Yugoslavia.
Jerry Yang, described as a venture capitalist and ‘math nerd’, has created a special search engine for the internet called Yolngoo! Unfortunately, nobody’s invented the internet yet, so it just looks like the ravings of a mad man.
However, the mad man’s ravings give us the chance to see Australia, and more specifically, the fact that the continent hasn’t changed much in the millennia since the Dawn of Man. At this point, I’m willing to bet neither the Wiradjuri or the Yolngu end up being the civ to unify Australia.
If you can’t tell by the slide’s title, I’m writing this at 1:43 AM.
Yongle, unamused by Han’s “dope rhymes,” simply sends his units towards Longbian. No diss track or anything. The matter is, words don’t win wars- the constant expenditure of human lives does. He doesn’t need to be flashy, he needs to take Longbian before Wu can push forward with his invasion- and to his credit, Yongle seems to be doing well. The big issue is whether they can maintain pressure on Longbian with their outdated units- Spearmen are starting to lose their luster.
Vasily Golovnin, a Kwakwaka’wakw navigator, points his men towards Hokkaido. “I see no possible way this could go wrong!” he says, with the wisdom of one who would die 5 minutes into a horror movie.
The Seminole are widely known as a defeatist people due to their fragile existence. However, Micanopy urges for a government reform towards a Republic. “You see,” he says, “If we work within the system rather than resorting to violence, we can work to rebuild! There’s no need for war!” This is all just a distraction to cover up the construction of a Death Star-esque beam he’s building in Cuscowilla called “The Tampa Bay Ray.” It is pointed directly at Washington, D.C.
FDR noticed a while ago. He doesn’t care. Or rather, there’s a part of him curious to see if Micanopy could pull it off- but the truth is, the Seminole lost their chance. Cuscowilla is a pretty sizeable capital, but they can’t make up for the missing yields of having only 1 city compared to the growing North American empires.
Samandar falls to Ataturk’s forces, leaving Bulan with only Tamantarkhan- which, in all honesty, is about 1/5th of a city. 9 population is nothing to sneeze at, but the city doesn’t even have 9 tiles to work.
Buenos Aires is being turned into Mal Aires as smoke from the pillage of Chilean soldiers dredges closer to homes. The city itself hasn’t taken damage, however, but there’s not much defending the city- 25 City Strength can only go so far. That said, with the way Chile has composed their army, I suspect they’ll be split between Tucuman and Buenos Aries.
I think there was a proverb about chasing two hares and catching neither that applies here.
Ah yes, the cities- the cities for Cusco, Cusco’s cities! I’ve got to be honest, this is the first time I’ve actually seen Tupac Yupanqui perform this well. Not only are they making use of their naval abilities to expand into Polynesia, but they even have a strong core in their South American home. They have 2 more settlers ready to colonize some islands, but they should keep in mind that the mountains won’t defend them forever- their military looks scattered.
Egads! It seems that the Han soldiers, emboldened by both Wu’s killer beats and Yongle’s buzzkill nature, have not only pushed back the attack against Longbian but also created a fairly well-organized line at the front. Yongle’s army isn’t looking too bad either, but pay attention to what units are being fielded- Han has their UU, the Qiang Spearman, and a Pike advantage.
Qiang Spearman - Replaces the Spearman. Contributes to border expansion when trained. Bonus doubled in conquered Cities.
Before we get into the meat of things- Raoni Metuktire has apparently become perfect. Seriously, it says it right there: Cathar Perfect Raoni. What this means for the competitors, who are literally having to compete against perfection, I don’t know.
However, we see the Tuvan core- and honestly? There’s a significant issue- they don’t have melee units. They have a few horsemen and that’s it. Defensively, they’ll be fine, but unless they throw in a few swordsmen, we might not be seeing any conquest from Tuva anytime soon.
Pedro I seems content to mirror his historical counterpart by running away from his problems. As his advisors tell him that he has a perfect opportunity to strike at a weakened Kayapo, with Mekragnoti at a mere 17 City Strength, Pedro I plugs his ears with his fingers and screams at the top of his lungs to drown out the noise.
And yes, I stand by what I say- I think Brazil could take the cities if they showed any interest in doing anything other than sucking their thumbs.
Captain Jack, now at risk of a demotion to First Lieutenant Jack, has declared the Modoc a nomadic people. I guess being kicked out of your homelands and forced to migrate further inland DOES count as being nomadic? I don’t think that’s anything to be proud of, Kintpuash.
The war bells in the submarine are going off- which means someone has made a terrible strategic decision! Brandenburg has decided to invade Ireland despite all known reasoning telling them they don’t have the navy to take a single city, and more importantly, the fact that Ireland is able to immediately besiege the most German named city on the map. Wang Dayuan, resident governor, only found out about the war once an Irish ship crashed directly into the city’s walls.
To the east, things LOOK better, but pay closer attention- most of those units are embarked land units.
Incredible- in just a single move, the Philippines have managed to DOUBLE the size of their empire!
… by settling Pasig. Well, there’s other things to talk about here as well- Kokang has a sizable navy AND is pushing towards Phnom Penh. Indonesia doesn’t seem to realize that they could sneak some units onto the mainland while Cambodia’s distracted by Kokang’s army.
In what may be considered a large middle finger to the Central Americans, who’ve found Catholicism, Turkey completes St. Peter’s Basilica. Attaboy, Ataturk!
In a surprise twist, here’s a slide of Botswana where… they actually don’t look too bad. One might point out their lack of swordsmen, which seemingly points to them not having a source of iron, but there’s a few routes I can see to break out. The big issue is that those routes are workable for a human player, but I can only imagine the AI struggling to work their way out.
Also, Seretse Khama has declared war on the Sun, but I doubt he’s even going to reach it.
The Incan army, led by the fierce Joanna of non-existent Flanders, has managed to surround the Kuben-kran-kren with a powerful siege. The issue is that the city has 31 defense, and the siege is rather ill-equipped. However, with a few catapults getting close, and Swordsmen coming up from the rear, I think there’s a fair opportunity to take the city. You go, Tupac.
We come back to the Mohave to see that a land force actually is pushing towards Captain Jack’s Stronghold in the north. Led by Hayam Wuruk, Javanese Emperor and compatriot of Gajah Mada, the force is small and probably not going to go far- but at least they’ve realized the boats can’t attack the city.
Sundiata Keita has failed at every opportunity to push against Tetouan. It’s honestly impressive how they’ve managed to blunder at every opportunity. Tegdaoust fell, and what do they do? They settle Kankan right at Tetouan’s doorstep. Maybe that PR meme was right- perhaps they derive some sick pleasure from this?
Off-screen, Egypt makes peace with Yemen.
The Wiradjuri are starting to push towards the Maori colonies- perhaps this could be a sign of future conflict?
Chile has finally unified all mainland Patagonian cities, with seemingly no way for Rio de la Plata to retake their losses. Allende might be one of the strongest dark horse candidates we’ve seen thus far, although whether they’ll be able to push out of South America in the future will be the real question.
Tetouan’s core is looking pretty empty, while Castile maintains an impressive carpet composed mostly of their mounted UU.
Isabella has invested a small fortune into the voyages of a man named Christopher Columbus, with the idea that he would discover new land. Of course, this was just an excuse to get rid of the guy- he gave off bad vibes.
On his voyage, he lands at the rock of Gibraltar in Tetouan territory. “At last, I’ve discovered new lands!” he says, not realizing he hasn’t even left Iberia.
Before we address Pandya- Afghanistan has obtained Carracks. That’s a pretty big deal in the wide Indian Ocean when nobody nearby really has the naval power to contest them.
Now, Alli Rani- it’s a bit sad to see her perform like this. Southern Asia has a trio of really good civs, but out of that trio? Pandya struggles to find footing against the impenetrable Bengal and the unstoppable Afghanistan. Furthermore, being on the southern tip of the Indian peninsula means she doesn’t have many other options. Bengal has already taken one of her cities, but perhaps she’ll be able to go through the less defended Afghan cities nearby?
Things seem to be turning against the Inca- not only has Kuben-kran-kren taken very little damage, but the Kayapo are fighting back- with advanced units. Knights vs. Horsemen, Pikemen vs. Spearmen- it’s beginning to look like the South American beast has woken up.
Hey Mick, what happened to your navy?
Brandenburg is pulling out all the stops to undo the embarrassing beginning of the war. Somehow they’ve resisted any invasion of Konigs Wusterhausen, and now there’s a proper fleet busting through Galway’s ports! Michael Collins needs to get out of the pub and into the war room- which, wouldn’t you know, happens to be another pub.
Legends have spread throughout the world of the legendary city made entirely of gold- El Kremorado. The truth is simply that it’s the Kayapo capital with a whopping 47 pop, who happened to build the Alhambra this turn.
Nostradamus, famed seer and plague doctor, travels through the Caribbean to see the many cities. We actually get a good shot of the Central American carpet, which is actually fairly impressive. Now if only they would put it to use…
Steve Jobs, American entrepreneur, has made a fortune selling low-quality boats to the American navy. A notable incident occurred when the iRonclad sunk immediately after leaving port. It seems in the contract, he never promised that it would be able to float.
That said, the American navy is still decent enough, and they’ve got a strong enough army. They could probably blitz through some Arapaho cities, but the big issue is whether they’ll take any path open to them.
Okay, what the hell? Weren’t these guys in command of one of the largest armies? WHERE DID IT GO?
Pretty Nose may have expended so many lives throwing units through whatever gaps she could find in the Rockies that her core is empty. Like, there’s nothing there. What happened to your empire!? It looks like Ohio in there!
She calls the Arapaho a Nomadic horde, so I guess they’re traveling to other pastures…?
The Gokturks establish themselves a kingdom, which gives us a good chance to peak at their core to establish what a core should look like. They have a fairly modernized force, a strong production base, and plenty of materials judging by the swordsmen and horsemen.
Do you see how they keep their armies centralized, Pretty Nose? I’m not mad, I’m just baffled as to how you could lose your ENTIRE ARMY.
Yongle has changed the name of his empire from Great Ming to Greater Ming. “Oh shit,” Wu says into his mic, “We should probably make peace.”
And so they do.
Which, judging by the armies of both sides, seems to be best for both of them. Ming wouldn’t want to expend units when Kokang lies to the south, and Han wasn’t going to make any forward progress.
Wait, what’s that on the far left?
In honor of Wu’s dope-ass rhymes that totally didn’t suck, Yongle leaves Han with a parting gift- the city of Guangzhou. It has 3 population, and is now blocking the path of a mildly irritated Ming settler.
Kokang continues to struggle against Cambodia, who seemingly haven’t lost a single Composite Bowman. However, their efforts to distract Cambodia have allowed Indonesia to land… one spearman. That’s it.
Baccio Pontelli suggests building a temple so that the people of Kokang can devote themselves to spiritual endeavors. Olive Yang looks at him confused- “I think you need to lay off the Poppies.”
Every time I make a prediction about Ireland and Brandenburg, fate seems to steer me wrong. Somehow, Brandenburg has decided to move their ships AROUND the Northern end of Albion in order to defend the now-besieged Konigs Wusterhausen. That said, Ireland’s not in the clear yet- that’s a pretty sizeable navy Brandenburg has.
To the north: the Incan army is being held off from Kuben-kran-kren, but it seems the most powerful Kayapo units are now six feet under. If they’re patient, the city might still fall, but as of right now it’s at full health.
To the south: Rio de la Plata’s army, led by Nadezhda Durova, has pushed the front from the walls of Tucuman towards the walls of Concepcion! I’m honestly impressed- I thought they were done for. Well, they probably still are.
Tuva decides to expand to the literal edge of the world, settling Kungurtug right at the northern edge of the Cylinder. This part of the world seems generally peaceful, but it could be the grounds for one of the bloodiest wars we might see in the royale- only time will tell.
Rio de la Plata has lost la Plata, as Chilean admiral Marcus Atilius Regulus scouts the Falkland colony of Mendoza. With the naval siege of la Plata, Allende proves he CAN take the city, but will he?
Off-Screen, Ireland makes peace with Brandenburg.
The Muisca continue to strike against the Kayapo, but honestly, I’m not sure they have any chance to take Gorotire- the 47 Combat Strength will be a huge hurdle to pass, but if they take it, that 47 population is going to be a grand reward- or, at least, what remains if the city falls.
Mali, in a brief moment of clarity, makes peace with Tetouan after fending off ships trying to take Kankan. That’s fairly good news for them, since it means they can focus on rebuilding their army and conquering- however, that leaves Tedgaoust in the hands of Tetouan, who have made a significant resurgence.
Why do I bother?
Ireland and Brandenburg, after their drunken brawl, decide to hug it out. Konig Wusterhausen was at half health, but it looks like Frederick William’s navy got there, so perhaps it’s best that Ireland made peace without any significant unit loss.
The only loser in this war is me, who tried to analyze each slide only for the AI to act upon the inhibitions of a drunken man.
Joseph Joffre actually seems a good fit for the Central America civ. Joffre’s agnosticism would’ve blended well with Morazon’s policies. However, in the weird twist of fate we live in, Morazon has decided to preach the good name of the lord. Truth be told, he’s not preaching it very far- look at how many cities are Nestorian in this screenshot.
I guess that faith in god also leads them to declare war on Cambodia. I’m sure that’ll go pretty far.
You heard it here first, folks- Raoni Metuktire has entered the renaissance! His core is completely devoid of units, but I think it’s safe to say he isn’t going to fall soon. This is the equivalent of Luigi winning Mario Party by doing nothing- there’s simply no way the mortal hands of Muisca or Inca can touch the ascendant Raoni Metuktire.
A woman wakes up in a cold room. She can hear the tossing of waves up above- wait, above? Her head rings- who was she? She could recall men speaking Turkish, the fires burning around Nimrud… What was her name… Samm… Semiramis? Yeah, that sounds close enough.
“Welcome, Agent S.” a voice calls from all around her, “We have a job for you..
Who is ‘we’?
Wu, for once, does not have a dope-ass beat to drop. Therer’s nothing he can say. The hammer of the gods is about to descend upon him- Donduk “Cooler” Kuular has begun his invasion.
“What are your orders, sir?” a soldier asks from behind him.
He looks at the situation- Qarakhoja is prone to fall. The Tuvans are well-armed, and it’ll take a while to fortify the borders. Their best chance at a counter-attack is to strike at Samagaltay… but it’s not going to go far.
“Survive,” Wu warns.
The distant sounds of a city falling give Wu a sense of foreboding.
Semiramis, or Agent S as “The Babylonians” call her, accepted the assignment. Obviously she would- whatever memories she still had, they drew her back to Nimrud. They must’ve known that- she was smart enough to realize that it wasn’t the fact those memories were ‘gone’- moreso, they were ‘classified.’
All she wonders, is why was she was picked for the job?
Castile continues to build up their carpet of Jinete, which I guess I should take this time to explain-
The Jinete is actually a pretty solid Horseman replacement that’s not AS bad at taking Cities, but still has a general penalty. That said, I’m not 100% sure if they get their ability that allows them to heal and move after conquering a city if they didn’t found a religion. If they conquer the Anglo-Dutch, however, that changes things- they’ll become the founder of that religion, and be able to make use of all their abilities. Of course, I don’t think it’ll happen soon.
Who else could settle the Emerald Isles except Greenland?
I wish I could say more on this slide, but I just find it amusing. Look at Collins’ poor, disappointed settler, sitting right outside its borders! Christianshab probably isn’t going to last, but I’m satisfied with it. You go, little fella.
Shakushain and the Ainu have actually managed to surpass expectations- which isn’t saying much, considering there weren’t many expectations of them in the first place. However, the Mori had a lot of expectations, and yet the Ainu seem to be outperforming them, so I think it’s fair to say they’re doing well enough. Their navy’s sizable, and they actually have a good army on the mainland. Their best opportunity for expansion would either be to get the Gokturks if they ever get distracted by a war, or to try and push through the Mori.
Also, judging by the two declarations against the Philippines, there might be a coalition forming against them.
I can only imagine Yongle laughing in his mansion as the pitiful rapper faces the wrath of god- however, he must realize that his time is bound to run out soon. In the meantime, he sends out a Treasure Fleet, one of the Ming Unique Units that replaces the Admiral.
Treasure Fleet - Replaces the Great Admiral. +1 Sight, and can buy City-States outright. Each Great Person expended grants a lump sum of points towards a Treasure Fleet.
Arwa al-Sulayhi declares war on Han. It’s more of a slap in Wu’s face at this point.
That said, I have conflicted feelings about Yemen. I KNOW they can be a good civ, but they just… haven’t pulled through at this point. Turkey’s filled in a lot of the gaps, and while their cities are pretty impressive, the big issue I see? They have no momentum. At best, they can probably declare a surprise war against Ataturk and snipe some of the poorly defended cities in Central Arabia, but how far will that get them?
Pedro I hears a knock on the door. It’s Tupac Yupanqui. He pulls his thumb out of his mouth and answers.
“Hey Pedro- do you want to beat up someone weaker than you?” Tupac asks. Pedro isn’t sure if it’s a threat or an agreement, but he goes along with it nonetheless.
The Inca and Brazil, with their “Cool Guys Alliance,” have declared war on Rio de [DATA EXPUNGED]. Surprisingly, it looks like Brazil has made the first move, launching an impressive naval force towards Catamarca.
Meanwhile, also in South America- the Muisca make a smart peace deal with Kayapo. They took Bau, that’s pretty much all they can hope for at this point, and it’s better to not be distracted if Central America tries anything sneaky.
Indonesia sends a small fleet to take Pasig. Normally, I’d say this wouldn’t work- but there’s two admirals there, and the city’s already taken quite a bit of damage. They could legitimately take it if they play their cards right.
Franklin Delano doesn’t seem like the right type of Roosevelt to take over the Caribbean, but he has to uphold the family legacy somehow! That said, these cities aren’t well defended- outside of the waters that naturally defend them, there’s no navy nearby, and the locations of the cities actually make them pretty easy to invade. La Serena and Cleveland both jut out, and Detroit is a 1-tile island. If Muisca builds up a navy, they could use that as a stepping stone for North American conquests.
Turns out, a lot of people hate rap. Turkey, the Zulus, and the Maori all declare war on Han. However, if you look in the top left, it seems Tuva hasn’t damaged Qarakhoja yet, and there’s a bunch of Chariot Archers nearby who can potentially postpone the inevitable. If Han is able to maintain most of their borders, they’ll likely recover.
Also, what an eventful turn this has been! Look at all those notifications!
Chile’s scouting efforts seem to be paying off, as they realize Mendoza is completely undefended and send a lot of Triremes to take it. Also, look at Brazil’s navy in the north.
If there’s any saving grace for Han at this point, it’s that their downfall will be very entertaining- Olive Yang has entered the ring on the side of Tuva. Whether or not she succeeds, things are NOT looking good for Wu- he might have to hang up his du rag and put on his don’t rag.
Hey, look, Mori settled another city! It only took… oh dear.
Mori Motonari has dropped the ball hard. He’s looking more like a Prince Beggar than a Beggar Prince at this point. Even his navy, which the civ is centered around, seems rather lackluster. Oof.
The brand-new Cree Settlement of Essipit, perhaps one of the worse settles we’ve seen thus far, is already under siege. Whatever happened to the invasion of Tigwaxsti that was being launched under Lafayette? Good question. Anyways,
Naoe Kanetsugu was a notable samurai who was once page to the great daimyo Uesugi Kenshin. Unfortunately for him, I’m a Takeda Shingen fangirl, and thus I despise him already.
Also, he’s in the Anglo-Norse territory. Canute cannot compete, I’m afraid.
Pasig was captured so cleanly by Indonesia it honestly feels like it’s already been a part of their empire forever. They’re already launching a further invasion towards Malolos, which probably won’t go as far- but who knows?
Samandar, firmly in the hands of Ataturk, takes the last bit of damage from a Khazar ship before Bulan finally throws in the towel. There’s nothing left for him but to accept his role as a cog in the works. Honestly, it’s a bit sad- a lot of the folks I’ve spoken to on the CBR discord love the mod, but they simply can’t keep up with the Caucasus TSL.
Zhuoxian takes some damage as a minor force approaches it from the south. Olive is striking hard, and striking fast- her initial invasionforce is mainly horsemen and chariot archers (near Jianye)- which makes sense, since they can chip away at defenses until an infantry force is able to complete the conquests.
Irutaba’s Hawaiian tour continues, as he has two more settlers raring to settle whatever island he can find. He’s getting really close to Japan- however, I think he’ll be disappointed to find there are no subtitles.
It seems Pretty Nose has gathered up her forces one more time to try and push for Agawesh. They’d been constantly struggling to get through the rockies the entire episode, so seeing them break through? They might be able to take the city, now that there’s not many soldiers left to defend it. Still, one might raise the point of how many lives were lost just to take this one city. She’s almost like the Arapaho Francisco Solano Lopez.
Managua has been settled, bringing Central America up to 4 cities!... which would’ve been impressive over a hundred turns ago. However, as the major North American powers rise up, it seems like they’ve spent most of the game just… wasting time.
Mungabareena is settled in southern Aus, and it looks like the Maori are aiming to get an inland city in the mix as well? However, I think a more significant thing to note- the army of the Wiradjuri seems to have centralized around the Maori colonies.
Semiramis wanders around the streets of Nimrud, feeling a sense of nostalgia. Where once were children, playing in the streets, she sees soldiers bearing turkish banners. She feels a bit of panic, but she remembers her duty. Much like the gardens that hung above Babylon, she too must simply watch over the city. For now, she hears a bit of gossip- two soldiers, arguing over how long the trip to Mali will be.
Before I go, I want to make a shout-out to Coiot’s director cut for this episode- he mentioned there being a lot of Great People names he found and wasn’t able to include due to the length of this episode. I’m very happy that I was able to narrate this episode, and I hope you enjoyed.
Thank you for reading, everyone! Stay tuned!