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Welcome back to the Civilization V Battle Royale X Season 3. Or, if you want to not sound like an alien, CBRX3. I am your narrator for today, CelestialDalek. If you are listening to the audio recording, I am not your narrator. Let’s get into it.
Civ Battle Royale Episode 2: Please Read The Art of War – S3
Abstract
Will the Philippines do something? Does Castile castill exist? Will civs learn how to take cities?
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Orangechrisy this week just before the release of the episode with fresh propoaganda coming to a pasture near you.
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Vihreaa mixing it up with a new map style. Hope to see a very colorful display in short time.
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Thank you to all of my generous supporters. I am honored to be a part of this embezzlement scheme and hope to steal your money for years to come.
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The Permians and their wonderful bear icon and civball are on top of the rankings and the world. This is very good for them, as are their beautiful colors. Onto the actual slides.
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The view from the skinny Italian peninsula allows Robert Guiscard to see everywhere. “What’s that shadowy place over there to the west?” asks a brave soldier. “They say that’s Castile”, says Guiscard. “They have never read a map. That’s Sardinia.” Guiscard has so far decided to not embrace the shadowy lands, as he settled his first city in Greece, and seems to be sending more settlers out there. Or sending them towards Sardinia. Either way, more cities is good.
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Mali is off on three cities. They do not yet have a strong core, but Tetouan is either going to flounder or only perform moderately well. However, this stage is too early to call. For now, the virgin lands of the Sahara is a land of scouts with very useful knowledge on where to mine precious gems dying from heatstroke and hunger. Thank god for Civ logic.
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Brandenburg, the top dog in Europe, declares war on the Anglo-Dutch, the bottom dog in Europe. Although they had a large military, they seem to have decided to do a small-scale naval assault in England. Unfortunately, Frederick has only been looking at real-world maps and did not realize that, in this game, London is in France. He also seems to be keeping a large portion of his military in Potsdam and Berlin, which unfortunately for him are not The Hague.
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Up in the great North of North America, we get a good look at the Cree. Famous for being expansive, they’re in the growing list of civs with three cities and a fourth settler. They have almost no military, but luckily for them neither does any of the other civs within striking distance… except for Willie Seaweed, whose large military consists largely of archers. And also is separated by the Rocky Mountains. Note the last word, “mountains”, which is a synonym for “site for a meatgrinder war” in these parts.
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Michael Collins has decided to become Orthodox, unlike his settling pattern: most civs are at least trying to settle. Collins has broken the mold and decided that Ireland is safe enough.
We can see how Brandenburg is faring against the Anglo-Dutch. I think Frederick should try again some other time.
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The Comanche have proven that they are not going to make up for sending their military to Europe with military might. The Anglo-Dutch currently have twice as many units as Iron Jacket.
Captain Jack (not Harkness) has quite a fortified stronghold, as the Modoc seem to be on top of the military game for the continent. Most of the other civs around seem to be woefully underprepared for any invasions. Especially the Comanche.
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Southeast Asia is a land of dreams for many people. Maybe that’s just opium. All of the cities around have rather high population, and most civs have a passable military. Now that I think about it, Cavite el Viejo is actually in a well-defensible location. Defensible in the sense that it is hard to attack, not in the sense that it’s easy to send a backup military to. It’s certainly a way to get seen more than once every other episode.
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God, I love Kilwa. Kilwa has decided to choose the best religion name. Bogomilism just rolls off the tongue, as well as sounding like a bacteria used in a bioweapon. For their reputation, they’re not doing all that badly, thanks to the AI buffs making them not keel over. Hopefully they settle a third city so they don’t have to live out their reputation. Or get some military up, I hear Umungungluvdo is nice this time of year. Uganda is doing well for themselves on two cities, though. That military is rather good.
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War in North America fires up for the first time. In the battle of the Californian “M” civs, Modoc has to contend with a few small mountains, but Mohave has mo’ chances to not do well as their military is not mighty. Look on the magnificent side: their military has more magnitude than the Comanche’s.
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Ataturk, furious after a diplomatic meeting went the Sammurammat way, declares war on Assyria. This marks the first war so far that isn’t in mountainous terrain or next to a handy ocean for wasting troops in naval assaults. Assyria looks only vaguely well-equipped to handle this attack: Ataturk has a lot more force, but this is an early-game war where one country has a military force to speak of. Do you expect the AI to be competent? Hopefully neither civ gets distracted by the war, as a disconcerting amount of civs seem to be too lazy to settle.
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Uganda declares war on Kilwa! As Uganda has a strong military force, this may be an exciting war. It also may not be, as Zanzibar is next to Mount Kilimanjaro, meaning that Uganda can attack the city from only two places. But that might be enough if Idi Amin suddenly manages to get a huge tech boost.
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Muisca founds a city, Iraca, in the center of the Amazon, dashing the hopes of Kayapo to settle every rainforest before anyone else (also dashing their hopes was every civ that started in rainforest). Kayapo doesn’t have much military, but they do have a large population, and due to their uniques probably a lot of culture.
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Iron Jacket calls for his second-in-command. “How’s the progress on building the ‘warrior’ unit? I’m thinking it will revolutionize our military.” He does not answer. “How about a settler?” Unfortunately for Iron Jacket, his second-in-command is currently in the middle of the Atlantic ocean and telephones have not been invented yet. Any potential second-in-commands have probably fled to Europe as to avoid getting killed when the capital gets taken due to the lack of military forces.
On the focal point of this slide is the Modoc-Mohave war. The men of Modoc march on the Mohave metros of Hokusave and Avi Kwa Ame. Melee units are what Modoc is missing, or merely any military men. The melee (not units) is melting. Maybe Modoc can still muster might.
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The Han attack on Qocho that helped nearly all PRs to put Sungulug Khagan in 61st is not doing well. Let’s be clear: Qocho is still fucked. They should not have settled their second city next to the Permians. If this war continues, it could cripple their chances of making enough settlers to continue expansion. The Gokturks seem eager to get in on the fun, although whether the fun is related to Qocho or Tuva is unclear.
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“Those damn Irish!” Vladimir is in a fury. “Orthodoxy is supposed to be Russian, not Irish! Why the hell is it ‘oriental’? Orthodoxy should not be oriental!”Vladimir founds Eastern Orthodoxy.
The border between Asia and Europe is a rather calm area, apart from Vladimir’s religious furor. Khazaria has a rather beefy military force, and seems to be pointing it carefully westwards. The Kyivan Rus’, on the other hand…
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Central America, who benefits from atheism, has decided that their original religion was not holy enough. They have now rectified their mistake. While they have quite a bit of open land as Mohave is preoccupied, they do not have any settlers to make use of it. Their military could help, but good luck getting it through the jungles around here.
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Chad gets the very nice early game attack wonder of the Statue of Zeus, which gives the military +15% attack bonus on cities. I’m presuming Zeus is that very large horse.
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Khazaria was indeed carefully pointing their military westwards for a reason. They decide to use the tried and false strategy of “splitting your rather small military into two groups and attacking two cities at once”, as well as the strategy of “send some more military units down South just for fun”. This war might produce something for Khazaria. If they get a lucky peace deal.
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Sungulug Khagan sits on his horse happily. “We’ve fended off the Han”, he mutters to his military advisors. “Yes, I think it is time to produce a settler and not make a penal colony”. A messenger runs in. “Sir, the Gokturks have declared war on us.”
“D’oh!”
Tuva is now on 4 cities! That’s 4 times as many as the Comanche!
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Modoc men seem to be mauling the metro minutely, not yet putting malady into the meter. Maybe if the military stopped doing an amphibious assault. This is Civ V, not HOI IV.
Speaking of 4 cities, that is how many Arapaho has. That’s 4 times as many as the Comanche!
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Timor-Leste does something! Unfortunately for the 0 Timor-Leste fans, they built a wonder. They now get faster growth and extra ranged unit production.
Hey, it helps. But not much.
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Maybe I was ranking Maori too low. They are doing pretty well for being a civ on New Zealand, and although they don’t have a large military, they’re very safe by virtue of being on New Zealand. They’ve crowded out North Island, and seem to be going for South Island.
Wiradjuri has produced the first composite bowman we’ve seen thus far. Maybe they will produce a prime bowman!
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Ahmad Shah Durrani has decided to take a personal trip to the founding of the third Afghani city, Herat.
“I am here today to sign the town charter and all of its pages!” he announces in a speech on the banks of the Indus river. Unfortunately, it looks like he forgot to sign the part where the borders were defined. For now, Afghanistan is safe: they’re a long ways from any neighbors with a lot of military,
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This slide is exciting. Angola declares war on Botswana. Botswana has barely any military, and the desert terrain makes it hard for them to put up a good defense. The early game AI makes it hard for Angola to put up a good offense either. However, Angolan troops are already at the gates of Gaborone, ready to kill the Botswanan military.
Also in the news, Brandenburg attacks the Normans! So does Chad for some reason! The United States attacks the Seminole!
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To provide a motive for the anti-Norman coalition, look at the minimap. Just South of this slide’s view is the Norman’s 4th city! Robert has 4 times as many cities as the Comanche!
Also, fuck. Sarajevo is a HUGE thorn in Robert’s side and makes it impossible for him to crawl up Italy. On the bright side, Brandenburg now has a less direct route to kill him.
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Sungulug Khagan needs something to take his mind off the Gokturk’s attack on Qarakhoja. He decides to invent Buddhism, hopefully to never get on the Wikipedia list of inventors killed by their own inventions. Frankly, it doesn’t seem like he has much to worry about. Sure, the Gokturks are strong, but it seems that literally any bit of terrain that gives movement penalties is too much for early-game armies.
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Time for everyone’s favorite time: stat time! Some civs are more populous than others. Kayapo is the most populous. Bengal is the second-most. Castile is still in this game.
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Most of the top 5 civs have been involved in wars that have gone on for a few turns. They have not taken cities.
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So early in the game, this doesn’t mean a whole lot. Expect to see some good techs from these top civs, but for now it’s a game of settling.
The Comanche are losing this game.
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I’m almost as prophetic as Akhenatken, as there is in fact a fourth Norman city here in North Africa. Egypt is here as well, the first time we’ve seen them in the spotlight since last episode.
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If you’re wondering why I didn’t talk about Turkey being in the top-right corner, this is why. Here they are. They have not won this war. Pointless wars like these are really dragging good civs down.
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Khazaria is not in danger of being dragged down that much, because they weren’t a good civ to begin with. Their attack on Vladimir has gone stale as dry bread. They do, however, have a ship in the Caspian Sea. Hooray!
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*jeopardy theme music*Hey, Castile is in this slide! So are the Anglo-Dutch, where you can see that Brandenburg should probably go for the other Anglos up in Denmark.
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Instead of settling somewhere to give them more control over Africa, Kilwa chooses to settle in Madagascar and experience the biodiversity of the region. So much vanilla. They also seem to somehow be fending off the Ugandan invasion with just a few units. That’s the Kilwa magic.
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The Inca build a wonder. It doesn’t look like the usual Incan terraces, so good on them for diversifying.
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The Anglo-Dutch have decided to make a better religion in the wake of the Brandenburgian “attacks”. Please just make peace already…
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A young child asks Robert what the shadowy lands are. “That’s Sardinia,” he says. “Sir, I’m pointing North.”
“Oh no.”Yugoslavia declares war on the Normans. The Norman military is not in a place to take Sarajevo and stop the Italy blockade, nor is it in a place to defend the soccer stadiums of Messina. It isn’t really in any place at all.
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Hormave continues to be the place of a no longer alliterative attack. It’s in the yellow now, which bodes well for the Modoc. If the Mohave lose it, they have another settler out to found a fourth city. If they don’t lose it but do found another, they’d have 4 times as many cities as the Comanche!
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Remember the war between America and Seminole? You do now, but you just might. America has decided to either do a pincer and attack Apopka or do the Khazaria and destroy their forces by splitting them in half.
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The Anglo-Norse have decided to found another city, this time in the open space they have in Scandinavia. If they get to it before Lithuania, they could actually stand more of a chance against Brandenburg than they do now. Which isn’t a whole lot.
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It looks like having 4 times as many cities as the Comanche makes you the center of attention, as America and the Cree attack Arapaho. So does having a pretty nose. Neither civ has any military might pointed in her direction, so her nose will remain unblemished.
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Oh come on. Modoc decides to snap stalemate from the jaws of victory, and remains stuck on two cities. This is bad, as Kintuapash is rapidly running out of space and needs military conquests to expand.
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Josef Tito is desperately trying to get Messi to play for the Yugoslavian Soccer Team. A warrior and an archer aren’t intimidating enough, so more coercion is on the way. With the founding of Palermo, Robert has 5 times as many cities as the Comanche!
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Michael Collins builds the Pyramids. I thought they were supposed to be in Egypt.
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Rio de la Plata, true to their legacy, has built up a large military. They will not be using it to attack Chile… for now, as they are friends… for now. They also have the brilliant Cornelius Smelt, the famous governor of the Isle of Mann.
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The Maori have 4 times as many cities as the Comanche! Dare I say it, they are actually doing well and expanding more than most civs. Let’s hope they can keep up the momentum.
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Yugoslavia is working on convincing Messi to join the soccer team, and have gotten him down into “green” levels of compliance. Maybe if they find a better coach in one of the warriors attacking the city, or if they pay more. Egypt also founds Memphis, suspiciously far away from Tennessee. Really makes you think about the Tennesseese aliens who built the Pyramids in Ireland.
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You may have noticed a while ago that the Permians attacked Qocho. This is true, and the horrendous first settle of Qocho is being absorbed into the bear empire. It looks like it will actually fall, too, as the Permians don’t have to focus on two nearby cities.
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Instead of taking advantage of the war against Mohave and settling into Mexico, Central America has decided to go to Cuba. They still have their chances, as Mexico is looking wide open.
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Having made no gains and lost their large army, Khazaria peaces out with Vladimir, who is still furious about the concept of “East”. According to the sidebar, “world events” are going on.
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Oh, that’s where the Plate River’s army was going. They have decided to attack Brazil, and have a large military force that will inevitably die in the meatgrinder known as “any terrain that isn’t open plains”.
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In one of the now-rare slides of peace, we can reflect on how Yemen is doing. Their capital is defensible, but the rest of their cities are in flat, open land: the type of land where it’s easiest to invade. They’re alone for now, and we’re still in the early game where civs that seem small can settle some more.
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Mori is an exciting civ with a lot of historical background to it, and North Korea is a civ that got voted in for being funny nuke man. They do have a good army, comprised of soldiers from well-off nuclear families. The Ming are mingling around in their part of the world. The Ainu are in this game. This region is peaceful for now, one of the last vestiges where neighbors aren’t at war.
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Goddammit. Thanks, North Korea. The North Korean military only has one land tile to attack Tajihi-Sarugake from, so don’t expect to see borders change here. The Ainu are still in this game.
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It looks like Roosevelt did try to pincer the city of Apopka, for the first successful military maneuver that is not brute force of the game! Will he take it? You know how the AI is.
To the left, you can see that Pretty Nose has 5 times as many cities as the Comanche!
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At long last, peace comes to the city of Qarakhoja. Qocho is still in a very bad spot, and remember that they’re probably going to lose their second city and go the Comanche route of being an early city-state.
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While Botswana is preoccupied with fighting off Angola, Cetshwayo siezes his chance to strike at the undefended back flank of Botswana. Once he gets his large army through the mountains, this could spell game over for Gaborone. It could also spell something else, like “failure”.
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Yugoslavia is still attacking Messina and trying to recruit Messi. They’re almost there, just a few more promises of increased pay. They have some melee units around to take it, so will probably stick the landing unless they bungle it up.
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Kilwa decides to make peace with Idi Amin, who goes back to do some heavyweight boxing. Kilwa came out of this war well. They settled another city during it, and Uganda did not. They still need to pull themselves up a bit more, but they’re turning out much better than usual (again, thanks to their better AI in these tests).
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The Cree and Kwakwaka’wakw have both built up good militaries. Currently, neither of them have great targets to test them out on… unless they go to war with each other. Or if the Cree move their military down south to fight against the Arapaho. Given how messed up the Western United States are in terms of military, they may soon bring law, order, and plentiful seaweed to southern lands.
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Pandya goes all-in, settling two cities in one turn. They now have 4 times as many cities as the Comanche! This is just getting ridiculous. In the south, you can see a fifth settler, perhaps getting ready to settle Sri Lanka. Maybe even adventure in Australia. As this region isn’t too strong militarily, they have plenty of time to settle.
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The hilariously dumb forwards settle of Qocho is about to fall. Good riddance. If the Permians take it, they will have 4 times as many cities as the Comanche AND Qocho, or twice as many as the two city-states COMBINED!
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Lithuania, as expected, is being expansive, settling Trakai out towards Vladimir. Given how the Anglo-Norse are, I think this is a good choice, as Vladimir is looking weak, and the Anglo-Norse will probably get taken care of eventually in the European mess. That’s all of the exciting slides for today.
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Time for the stats that you always skip over. This is the religion map, which dictates who is screwing over Turkey and Central America and not much else.
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Ooh, religious benefits, how exciting. Kilwa gets gold from spreading their religion.
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These are all of the religions so far, and all that there ever will be, as there are no more slots.
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I lied, there are more religions. Still can’t found any.
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Here are some more religious benefits! Engaging. Judge and Avenger might be something to boost Vladimir. It probably won’t.
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There it is, the nationalism animals. Also known as bald eagles in America, or Mike Wozniak’s queuing creature in Britain.
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Turkey has a lot of beliefs. Why are all the atheist civs so religious?
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Qocho can make Mandirs now! This will be very helpful in fighting off the Permians, for sure.
Thank you for reading! I hope my narration was exciting. If it was not, feel free to let me know what to change. If it was, feel free to let me know what to change. Thanks, and see you next time I narrate an episode (let me know what to change as you’ll be seeing me again soon!)