Episode 25: Acts and Revelations

1: Hey Hey!

Welcome one and all, to the Civ Battle Royale X3! JDT1706 here to pilot todays episode, so strap in lets get a move on!

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Our first OC here is Nirosats Web of Wars, a very handy tool for figuring out whos at war with who! I distinctly remember Gragg and Random_Strategy (bless their hearts) doing this back in the previous marks, so having something like this appear again is well welcomed.

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And here is our customary Vihreean map! Truly, a pillar of this game and community, and truly, something we can’t live without. Salute.

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Heres the list of supporters this week. Feel free to donate to the Ko-Fi to help keep the game running!

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Today we bear upon a big winner in last weeks PR - the biggest winner, in fact. Greenland has grown by 7 through their successful invasion of Ireland! They’re still rather vulnerable in their core, but hey, they ain’t out!

6: You Disappoint Me

We begin our gander across the world map with a look at the Pandya. 2 episodes ago, we were optimistic that they might yank a city away from the Afghans. This episode, we’re optimistic that they’re gonna lose at least one city to the Afghans. And with the technological and numerical supremacy on the Afghans side, there may be more to come.

7: Quality over Quantity

We then mosey on over onto the Tarim Basin, where the Han and Gokturks continue to duke it off. One of the most defining features of this war is the fact that the Gokturks are losing despite their numerical superiority against the Han. In fact, currently you can count a few more Gokturk troops on the border, and they are about even tech. I guess the Han just know how to fight wars good.

08: Love Will Tear Me Apart

Michael. What the fock you doin mate? Holy shit you goldpotted kneeswatter how are you losing this bad. You lost Tralee resoundingly and are failing to recapture an open goal. And now it’s looking like you’re gonna lose Oviedo! Also, whats wrong with yer tech? You look like a barbarian with those tech levels! Goddamit.

(If Docido is reading this, say this part in a faux Irish accent)

09: The Sun Sets Over Egypt

Whew, thats enough anger at Ireland out of my system. Anyway, we take a gander onto Egypt, where the titular civ makes its last stand. Lost and abandoned in the city of Akenathen for centuries, the Egyptians make endless offerings to the sun god Ra, and many divinations in hopes for victory against the invading Chadians, such efforst buoyed by Pandyan war hero Vijaya Wimalaratne*. The Chads, ofc, do not care, because prayers to God won’t do much against their much superior guns.

*In real life, Vijaya was possibly Sri Lankas most distinguished field marshall

10: Whatever You Think I Am, I’m Not

We take a gander back to Indonesia, where Suharto’s Indonesia… adopts communism. Ironic. He became what he wished to destroy. Guess external pressure and those Turkish kickbacks were just a bit too scrumptious. In the meantime, his troops have surrounded Yogyakarta, and seem poised to take it.

11: Turtle Power!

We move on to South America as we get a look at the Kayapo-Rio De La Plata war. The Kayapo continue a slow and cautious advance, treating this war like just about everything they’ve been doing this game. Troop formations are dispersed and a bit sparse, but given the overwhelming technological superiority and the frontline, I find it hard to not see the Rio De La Plata not losing more.

12: The Permian Age

Moving onto central Asia, we witness the flipside of the Afghan Intervention - the Permians have continued to make great progress in their southward thrust, having firmly secured Lashkargah. The Afghan army, au contraire to their fairly heavy force in India, is nowhere to be seen here, giving the Permians free reign over Central Asia. Could this preside the dawn of a new superpower?

Also the Malians enter the modern era, putting them on the same tech level as some of our other top tier contenders

13: Marked For Death

We mosey over to Australia, where the large Wiradjuri port of Maraekowhai is under assault by fearsome Timorese destroyers. While said force is a bit scattered, and the Wiradjuri have the resources for a flip, a landing in this area would be devastating for the Wiradjuri and highly advantageous for the Timorese.

14: Finally, The Bosporus

Looking at the Black sea, we see what Turkey has seen for the past several episodes. After 5 or 6 episodes worth of fruitless war against the Kyivan Rus, the Turks finally seize Polotsk. For some information, Polotsk is the reason why there is no city in the straits of Bosporus this game, as you can see by that one Kyvian tile over there. Must be quite satisfying to at least own the tile that enables access between seas.

15: Red Alert

In the Tsardom of Perm, change abounds. With the conquest of Vladimir and the Glorious Offensive of the south, the kingdom’s prosperity has never been so high, but its peoples wealth remains low. One Vladimir Lenin, former politician in Vladimir, holds a speech, calling for change and peace, work and bread for all peoples of Perm. Azkay takes these words to heart, and declares Perm a Soviet Union of its peoples.

16: Sing Kumbaya

In Australia, the Wiradjuri come to a crisis. The Timorese are moving in great mass through the north and west, and the people are uppity and scared. What do they do? Get them all together in a communal singing of course! And try to get them to henceforth fight the Timorese, of course.

17: Sofalla

We unfortunately do not witness whos the third civ who got an ideology this turn. However, we do get to witness the Kilwan town of Sofala get pounded by a mighty Afghan force! It seems like the Afghans have invested a fairly significant naval force in this area, and the Kilwans have not divested a single military unit. This city is probably becoming Afghan soon, whether they like it or not.

18: Black Ops

Jonas Savimbi erroneously declares war against the Zulu. Unfortunately, theres a little known natural barrier called “Botswana” blocking his way into their lands, but it matters not. His elite shadow team of filibusterers and adventurers are lined up by the Cape of Good Hope and ready to move in for the kill. With the Zulu themselves fairly weakened, who knows how good this can go?

19: Toss Out The Gold

The Malians take a page from the book of Mansa Musa as they seek to redistribute their immense wealth and become communist. The Malian empire itself, though sparse and in some aspects, backwards, is looking rather fine, especially for an African civ. With their rival the Normans growing stronger though, they should watch their 6 and get a move on.

20: Cold Front

We move over to the Bering Strait, as the Gokturks successfully reclaim the formerly Kwakwaka'wakw city of Dzawadi from the Cree. The two have been locked in a great duel over ownership of the former Ducklad lands, with the Cree being the instigators. Cree ships send Gokturk troops to watery graves, and the Gokturks toss the bodies of Cree prisoners into the frigid ocean. This one might just be a bout of permafrost folks.

21: Do All AI’s Pick Spirit Ideology That Quick?

And barely a turn after choosing an ideology, the Wiradjuri decide to break the chains of traditional ideological conventions and instead call for nationalistic pride in order to fend off the Timorese invasion. With how quickly civs are going for Spirit, it really makes you think - why is this happening? Is Spirit really that strong of an ideology? Or is the AI just kinda stupid?

22: You Know That One Civ Meme?

So, you guys know that one Civ 5 meme? The one where it just shows a guy steamrolling over their enemies with superior technology, using clips from the anime Gate. Yeah, thats exactly whats happening here. The Turkish force in Ukraine consists of a single landship, a single Line Infantry, a lone frigate and two cavalry divisions. And yet, this has thus far been more than enough to deter the Rus army, which continues to use medieval tactics and equipment.

23: Overkill

Okay Ahmad Shah, we get it, you have a big dick. You have a military big enough to project power as far down as Africa, with a force massive enough to blot out the sun in Sofala. Lets see if that force could allow you to not get penetrated up north, huh?

24: Great Scott!

We take a small glance at the Muisca, with a particular focus on their great musician, experimental American-British producer and pop star Scott Walker. In real life, he was known for a series of eponymous albums that were noted for their great sonic variation and experimentation. As for the Muisca themselves, they’re decent, they got a decent carpet, their only real issue is that the practically only have one target to heave their weight at, and even then they have to time it to perfection. But who cares, lets just listen to the music baby!

25: Battle For Zagreb

We move back around towards Zagreb, where the Yugoslavs have successfully stabilized the front with the coming of new troops from the newly adjourned southern front. Last time we looked, it was near inevitable that Brandenburg was gonna capture it. Now its looking like a meatgrinder.

26: The Inevitable

As anyone could easily predict beforehand, Ireland has lost Oviedo to Greenland. Great Michael. Hope you’re happy with your empire crumbling to your incompetence. You bloody leaf-loving nitwit.

27: No Truce With The Furies

The Northern Campaign of the Han continues with incredible force as they recapture Chenxian and make a concentrated effort towards Gol-Zaijin. Though they don’t have many forces, the Han have grit, quality and incredible tactics, and so we can only imagine how far they’ll go. Because they won’t have truce with their northern furies, not for a while longer anyhow.

28: Finally, Some Good Fucking Borders

With Yogyakarta recaptured, we finally achieve what I thought won’t happen in Indonesia - a congentially owned Sumatra. Given the state of both combatants, it seems like further progress on either end is unlikely, though we shall see in the future.

29: The Other Stooge

We get to see the other clown in the Anglo-Irish war, the Anglo-Dutch. Currently, they seem to be languishing in the mainland and Britain, a little worse for wear, and definitely becoming the laughingstock of the PR’s after throwing away Amsterdam to the Normans. But who knows? Maybe all they need for a comeback is getting rid of the worst city in the Netherlands.

30: Not Without A Fight

The Gokturk force around the Tarim Basin has started dissipating. The stress of a war on two fronts and the sheer concentration of Han forces have prevented them from being able to effectively retaliate on any. Nevertheless, they are desperate not to lose their core lands without a fight. Otuken has been reclaimed by a couple of cavalry divisions, and the flips continue.

31: Looking Real Fishy

Moving back over to South Asia, we see that the Pandya are in dire straits, as they lose Mannar to a lone Afghan destroyer. They have a fleet of frigates off their coast, but it seems like they refuse to use them for one reason or another. On the bright side, both it and Thoothukudi should flip back to them soon.

32: Southern Victory

Afghanistan is not exactly doing amazing right now. They just lost their gains in South India, and are still losing to the Permians up north. But don’t worry boys. They got Sofala. Its joever, the won now, pack it up.

33: Das Reich Ist Untersbleich

The Brandenburgers, needing more bodies to pile onto the assault on Zagreb, decide to begin integrate nationalist elements into their socialist form of governance. This union of black and scarlet brings upon a new outlook towards their empire, though they are still being stalemated in Zagreb.

34: Alas, It Did Not Last

Thoothukudi flips back to the hands of the Pandya as the Afghan force slides back into the shadows. Looks like their conquests will have to wait a bit. Though, lets be real here, the Pandya are a joke and can easily be broken by their neighbours at this point.

35: Gold And Cheese

The Gokturks retake Chenxian, but the Han are retaliating with full firepower. Not only have they resecured Otuken, they have Chenxian surrounded and Gol-Zarrun in the red. The fire and fury will rage on in the north for a while longer, it seems.

36: A Good Strategist Wins War With No Casualties

The Timor-Wiradjuri war comes to an abrupt end, as the Wiradjuri end violence by giving up the city of Doomut. Though this is a victory for the Timorese, this may just be a better form of loss aversion to the Wiradjuri, who were in threat of losing their much larger cities up the north and the east. Nevertheless, the best warriors are the ones who yield the least bloodshed, are they not? And Timor did make good gains.

37: You’re Three Eras Behind Me

A small, but sizeable regiment of Turks begin to make a march toward Kyiv. The Rus warriors and guards attempt their best to beat them back, but spears and bolts merely deflect off their secret weapon of their 1st Landship regiment, if they hadn’t already been mowed down by rifles and muskets.

38: The State Of Things

Alright, its time for government analysis time! We begin here with a series of military juntas, including the Cree and Chadians. We also witness the worlds last merchant republic in Botswana, and the Grand Imperium of Mali, who seemed to have usurped that title a bit from the Han.

39: Kingdoms And Castles

Moving down the governments list, we have the monarchies. Interestingly, from the list provided, only the Gokturks, Yemenis and Permians are generally thought of as relevant powers. The way of kings does not bely well in this age and era, it seems.

40: Gassing Him Up

Here bely a few more monarchies. Of course, the star of the show is the Brandenburger Reich, whos ruler, Fredrich Wilhelm I, has been granted the epithet of Captain of the People, Commander in Chief of the Expeditionary Force against the Barbarians, by the Will of the Nation, King of Brandenburg. Really long title for a civ who has been a bit quiet until recently, hasn’t it? We also get to see the 4 monastic orders, with the Lithuanian’s odd crusade being highly explained by their status as crusaders.

41: Nomad Princes

A bit further down, we witness the principalities and nomad hordes of this world. The Mohave are a communist principality, not that weird when you realize that many communist states retain monarchies in this world. The Afghans and Kokang also follow this government type, though the Chileans We also make note of several of the modern hordes - the Turks and Muisca have notably adopted this government type, alongside the previously witnessed Arapaho and Irish. I wonder what about nomadism makes it appealing in this world…

42: A Republic, If You Can Keep It

We move down the list to witness the republics of the world, with several notable alumni. We of course have the Socialist Republic of Indonesia and the ever-so-spirited Republic of Timor-Leste, the plucky Greenlandic Republic, the good ole’ USA (ruled by the fascists) and the Republic of the Sun (Inca). While not the most popular government type, most of the republics are doing quite well for themselves I must say.

43: Spirit Bonds

Finally, we end this section by looking through the tribal confederacies and the Kyvian Rus, who are so backwards they haven’t even gotten basic systems of governance down and are still stuck with stone age tribal structures. The Kayapo have impressively stayed on a confederation of sorts for millenia, while the Anglo-Dutch have appeared to provide a more loose form of representation for their peoples.

44: The Great Flank

Alright, back to the action! It seems those Black Ops teams didn’t do so hot, but were successful in gathering information about Zulu defenses, which is to say, they have no defenses. Emboldened, Savimbi begins plans for a more comprehensive attack of the Zulu, planning to simply move their units around the natural barrier of Botswana and make a direct headway into the Cape of Good Hope.

45: Bombshell!

We take a brief look at the Incan pacific, where Incan scientists have successfully invented a unique machine to get closer to the sun. Of course, a quick intel search would reveal that the Mohave and Timorese have successfully created similar machines already, and that said machines can be highly effective for destroying the enemy from the skies. With the position of these newly minted babes on the Pacific, the Inca can potential rain terror over the Maori or Wiradjuri. But for now, they simply sit there praising the sun.

46: The Race For Machu

On the other side of the Incan empire, Incan and Kayapo generals eye each other over hills. They scream daggers into each others eyes, and surround the quivering Argentine garrison with gunpowder and brimstone. The race for Machu is on. The Kayapo legions have the numerical advantage, but the Incans have some good units positioned nearby and the homecourt advantage. I wonder whos gonna get the city at the end of this…

47: Mannar O’War

A lone Afghan destroyer slips past the iconic Sleeping Pandya Fleet and snipes Mannar! The city will flip back momentarily, but if a single troop of your opponent can stomp you, that probably isn’t a good sign. Especially if half your navy is just ghost ships.

48: A Glorious Revolution

William III makes a concentrated attempt to put the “England” back in “Anglo-Dutch,” as he mounts a concentrated offensive near Rotterdam. The Anglo-Dutch seem determined to turn things around this time, and the Irish look way worse for wear, with little in the way of resistance to this affair. We also see the Anglo-Dutch Frigate UU, the Man O’War, which, if it were blockading Rotterdam, should put it into resistance and which also increases the chance of defections from the Dutch UA, which make enemy units near cities of their religion have a chance to defect. The Irish, of course, have their homegrown Oriental Orthodoxy, meaning this UA is kinda moot. Nevertheless, could this lead to a Dutch dub?

49: 2V1

We hop on over to the far east, where we witness another shot of the Beringian front. The Cree and Mori are working in tandem to counteract the fairly heavy Gokturk presence, throwing ships and men across the strait in an effort to push back the horde. The Gokturks, for their part, have met them with an equal, if not superior, force, with Sat Poro Pet and Dzawadis becoming the primary hotspots. Buckle down boys, this may be a long one.

50: Off The Book Of Sun Tzu

Meanwhile, with the capture of Gol-Zarrun, the Han declare the northern threat of the Gokturks neutered, and thus sue for peace. The Han were absolutely clinical that war. Despite inferior troops, they managed to successfully take 4 cities, including the Gokturk capital. Sure, they are all fairly low pop thanks to the devastation of war, but that's a capital and 4 more cities right there. These can fairly quickly be turned around to become pretty handy resources.

51: You Threw

We take a small look at the domain of the Maori. Once a promising contender for Oceania, they proceeded to get ganked by the Wiradjuri before further digging their own grave by giving up Te Tokanganuu in the peace deal. They may have had a chance against the Wiradjuri during the initial dogpile, but now, they’re here, languishing away in the shire.

52: Never Piss Off Norm

Sayyida Al-Hura makes a bad jest about Norman cuisine and culture to the ambassador of Normandy at Sale. This greatly angers Robert Guiscard, who utilizes that as pretext to attack the Tetouan. This may spell doom for Sayyida, though given the hard angle of attack into Marrakesh they may yet survive.

53: The Gordian Knot

One of the many great strategic plans of the Han is to use the Ming as a buffer state against the Kokang, preventing them from funneling troops straight into their lands during an overextended war. Well, the Han should probably rethink those plans, because the Kokang have cut through the whole Gordian Knot of “diplomacy” and “state sovereignty” by citadelling a straight line through Fuzhou. Could this spell doom for the Chinese?

54: The Mesopotamians

We move forth to Mesopotamia to seek the relatively empty core of the Turks. Though their numbers are mostly belied at sea, their troops are fairly strong thanks to the presence of landships and occasional cavalrymen and infantrymen. Also, Yemen and Afghanistan are similarly barren, meaning right now Ataturk doesn’t have much to worry about. Perhaps in the future though, when he will inevitably come to blows, this region will wake once again.

55: Wow, Uganda

Wow, Uganda. Such kek. Such wow. Such strong. Truly, epitome of potential.

56: Right There For The Taking

We take a little look at the USA, who are doing alright for themselves. They have a nice neck of the woods, with a couple of prime opportunities for expansion and a very competent military. If they were to invade Greenland or the Arapaho right now, there’ll probably be fairly little resistance to their advance. Instead, Fuhrer D. Roosevelt opts to continue with his national reform programmes, beaming pro-American propaganda in schools and cracking down on communist influences.

57: Peace Amongst War

In the midst of all this battling, we get to see a peace deal in the form of the Kokang making a truce with the Cambodians. The Cambodians seemed to have mastered guerilla warfare, because despite using weaponry that belongs in the classical era, they successfully repelled the Kokang with ease. Nevertheless, this is one war Olive Yang is happy to get out of, even if it leaves em pouting.

58: Not Tonight Inca!

Unfortunately for the Inca, they will not be regaining Machu. A Kayapo regiment of newly-retrofitted cavalrymen instead seize the city for their own nation! In the meantime, Raoni helps his troops push further down south, a wave of cuirassiers, infantrymen and gatling guns pounding on the rocks of the Rio De La Plata.

59: Oh They Really Were Just Angry About The Bosporus

With Polotsk and Novgorod under their grasp, the Turks make peace with the Kyvian Rus. The idea of a European state remaining practically at medieval levels of technology while all their neighbours are on early 20th century tech is fascinating, and on another note Turkey finally gets the Bosporus. Could this lead to more violence later, in a different direction?

60: The Rot

The Anglo-Dutch currently hold onto their reclaimed city of Rotterdam. However, the Irish have concentrated a force of newly minted line infantry, and are seemingly surrounding the city, which is in red. Though the Anglo-Dutch have the resources to very easily contest the city, including their shiny new Frigate UU, the Irish are showing they won’t let them have it without a fight.

61: Straight, No Chaser

The Afghans make peace with the Bengalis, Zulu and Kilwa, having already gotten their expected gains from the lattermost and not willing to fight the hardened veterans of the Bengalis straight from the Indonesian war. With that out of the way, they are free to concentrate their forces into an assault on the Pandya. And those are a lotta troops against a really weak enemy. Get ready, cos they’re gonna play hardball down south. No punches pulled.

62: Ideological Infighting

The curtains raise on the palace of Murshidabad, as the people demand change. Change would abound, as the Bengalis follow the communist ways. Unlike the distinctly anti-authoritarian brand of Indonesian socialism, the Bengalis remain tied to their discipline and reverence for their monarch. They are now rejuvenated and ready to strike back, and in fact, Yogyakarta is in the red down in the corner…

63: Ready the Sarcophagus

And… Egypt is dead. And they even go 50 slides without any mention. Classic.

Egypt started off on the right foot with some strong settles across the Nile and Arabia. In fact, there was a brief time where they were the eye of world’s envy, shining like Horus through the sands of time. They helped decapitate Assyria and just had a good statline in everything.

Unfortunately for Akenathen, he bore more resemblance to Icarus than Horus. The Egyptian conquests left them tired and overextended, something the Chadians and Turks capitalized to great effect. Within a couple episodes, Egypt had been reduced to just Akenathen and Thebes, and then they proceeded to give Thebes away to the Turks, though in fairness having that city wouldn’t have changed too much. Afterwards, they simply languished in their sarcophagus of Akenathen, becoming the most boring civ in the game, an enigma known for being compared to eggs and drywall, until they uneventfully got conquered by the Chadians. What a shameful end for a once bright prospect. F.

64: Tactical Losses

We hop on over back to Afghanistan, where the Afghans have opted to simply abandon the northern front in favour of hyperfocusing the south, letting Sar-E-Pol fall to the hands of the Komi. Honestly, if they wanna bet on the Permians petering out, nows the time. The expeditionary force looks exhausted and unreinforced. Better not too complacent though, I think that force is still capable of taking Kabul on a breezy day. Meanwhile, haunted by the fall of Sar-E-Pol, Afghan musician Bob Marley is inspired to write a folk song that will echo in the minds of Afghan children for generations, a song that will comfort them in times of dread - “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

65: Salta On The Wound

If the loss of Machu wasn’t enough harm for the RDLP, they’re about to get another bout of bad news. Kayapo troops are pouring over the city of Salta right now, and they have overwhelming military supremacy. San Martin should probably start thinking about expectation management and attempt to sue for peace asap.

66: Kroak

Korkai falls to the black, a miracle its even hanging on at this point with no Pandyan reinforcements and a Ulhan right there to take it. Don’t expect this to last though, every man in that city is a dead man walking.

67: “You haven’t seen my true power!”

Dzawadi falls back to the Gokturks, and Sat Poro Pet is now very firmly in their grasp. With the anime protag of the Han off their backs, Bumin Qaghan decides to use this as an opportunity to flex his muscle, like how a villain would beat on other powerful mates to assert dominance. Get ready, Motonari and Poundmaker.

68: Up For Sale

Sayidda is forced to retreat from her Algerian home to her new Catalonian home, as Sale gets pounded by the Norman navy. Norman and Malian vacationers and bourgeois scramble to sell their comfy holiday assets, as the Norman artillery pound on the town. Sayyida, of course, is no exception, and she makes plans to use proceeds from the sale of her palace here to live comfortably in Marrakesh.

69: Death To Profligates

The Wiradjuri decide to embark on a crusade against Yemen, seeking to free the holy city of Mecca, with its Arian majority, from the evil clutches of the Muslims. All I will say is where the hell was this army when Timor-Leste attacked?

70: Heir To Babur?

The Afghans continue to put all their eggs in the basket of the Indian campaign, moving a mighty army down south and capturing Korkai. It seems like the Afghans have whipped their army into shape, as this force seems more than ready to bash some Pandyan heads. Much like how Babur abandoned Kabul initially to conquer north India, could Ahmad Shah Durrani be trying to steer his empire in a similar way?

71: Well Jesus Was The 4th Prophet…

Over in Turkey, we go over to Ankara, where Ataturks unveils a giant statue of Jesus Christ, overlooking the great city of Ankara. The Cristo Rendentor doesn’t really do much in game, but it looks cool, and its funny that the civ that founded Islam did it until you remember that Jesus was the 4th, and to some Muslims, greatest, prophet.

72: GIMME BACK MY BORDERS!

The Bengali-Indonesian war ends, with the Bengalis successfully seizing Yogyakarta in the closing moments of the war. Great work guys, you ruined my ideal borders. This war has been a net gain for Indonesia, but losing Yogyakarta in a self-declared war stings. What hurts even more is the fact they lost because their entire navy is just stuck in the Philippines, though the Bengalis did put up a good fight.

73: Last Port

And with that, Sale falls to the Normans, leaving only Catalonia and the port of Marrakesh for the Tetouan. Luckily for them, the very awkward position of Meknes means that the Normans can only funnel troops through 2 one tile wide gaps, so until the Normans realize the Malians exist, Sayidda can max and relax in her one tile empire.

74: The Spanish-American War

The USA, having remembered the great sins the Spaniards have committed on Burgos all those years back, utilize that as a casus belli to invade! A fairly significant American naval force stands at the ready on the gates of Leon, but unless Isabella does another giveaway, progress may be slow.

75: Say My Name

We move back towards the Bengali Empire. Though they may have lost most of their Indonesian holdings, they came out of the war in a better position than expected, since we thought they were gonna get bodied going into it. Isambard Kingdom Brunei (Yes, thats unironically his name) profits off the great peace, helping bolster heavy infrastructure efforts and found several heavy industries in southwest Bengal. He also makes designs for a steel-hulled ship the Bengalis can use, though that may have to wait for another day.

76: Michael Read How To Fight Wars Good Didn’t He

We take another gander at Ireland, where not only has the Irish army somehow gotten even smaller, but the Dutch are starting to coalesce a significant force around Rotterdam. Frankly, its impressive how bad Michael is at war. You are doing what Solano Lopez was supposed to do last season, and folding even faster. Impeccable.

77: I Put A Spell On You

We take another look at the Mohave domain, with a particular focus on the eccentric waterbound performance of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins. We explained most things about him in a previous episode, but this showman just won’t stop showing off to the Mohave conscripts by Baja. He must have them transfixed, because the Mohave currently show no sign of aggression against other civs. Let see if that changes soon.

78: Toot-Toot

Toothukudi falls back into Afghanistan’s grasp, and they show no sign of letting up! Madurai and Mannar are both still vulnerable, and the Afghan forces seem endless. Could this be a second elimination this episode?

79: Above And Beyond

The Angolans are actually putting effort into a war. Unbelievable. They have a small armada of riflemen and frigates rocked up by Serowe, ready for the taking. And the Zulu are letting them have it? Wow.

80: Fake Happy

So, I suppose the idea of Arapaho ever building a military is a meme. Just look at them, even their miniscule army is revolting! This is almost certainly a consequence of natural low happiness from high pop plus the fact they chose Neutrality, an ideology thats not Communism and which will therefore impart them with more discontent. Will we see a red tide on their area?

81: A Rush Of Red

Meanwhile, in Ljubljana, Joseph Tito finishes the construction of Mount Rushmore, a monument to the finest founders of Yugoslav socialist realism. I don’t really know what it does in game, but we can say, all the comrades of Yugoslavia are proud to witness their forefathers etched into stone forever.

82: Bing Bong

And another wonder is built! This time, the clocks chime 9, as Big Ben arrives to jive about in Dhaka! I can only imagine if Isambard helped speed this process along, but anyhow, Big Ben, yes, the monument of Bengali timekeeping and engineering! In game, it reduces gold purchases by a reasonable amount and provides increased gold influx, but since the AI never purchases with gold, its kind of a useless wonder. Who cares though. Bing Bong!

83: A Mannar Of Time

The city of Mannar on Sri Lanka falls to Afghan hands. The fishermen rue as their boats are burned, the nobles scream as the end is nigh, the generals look about with a sigh. The end is coming.

84: Hold It!

We move on to Madagascar, where the Zulu’s last local holding of Hlobane remains. It is in the black, and would be certain to fall… if it weren’t for two inconvenient factors. First, Yemen can only approach in one angle. Second, they parked that one tile with a ranged unit. This might take a while peeps.

85: Surf And Turf

We take a look at the pacific, where we get to admire the Mohave’s massive, but outdated, fleet. In fact, dare I say they are better as a naval power than a land power right now? Alongside that, we get small glimpses of the Mori, and a good shot of the isolated Ming city of Guiyang and Kokang outpost of Chan Tee Ai, where we can see that the Kokang have learned how to fly.

86: Orthodox Crusade

We take a brief look into the lands of the Permians, where a fair portion of the Lithuanian army resides. With these folk being devout to the Patriarch of Vladimir, they have joined with Permian forces to civilize those barbaric heathens in Afghanistan. Would they be better off defending Lithuania? Yes. Is it not funny? Yes, it is funny.

87: Savimbi Always Wins

Wait.. the absolute madman. Muskets, carracks, line infantry and frigates pound the city of Serowe, with little reinforcement possible. Damn. What looked to be a useless war might just grant dividends for Savimbi after all.

88: Double Up!

Its a two in one! Kudiramalai has fallen to the Afghans, and Madurai is completely in the black! Death approaches Ali Ranni, her civilization doomed to fade into legend much like in real life.

89: FIGHT MY BROTHERS!

He did it. Unbelievable. Angola actually took a city in a war. What a momentous occasion for Jonas Savimbi, the first win in his long path to victory has begun. And now, he may continue pushing against the Zulu, though his troops in the area are probably too weak. Nevertheless, we can finally say it - DEATH TO THE MPLA!

90: At The Edge Of Earth

We take a glance at the southernmost points of the earth, where a joint Timorese-Yemeni task force have been pounding on the isolated city of Ndondakusuka. The locals are barely concerned about the gunfire, instead worried over their rations and the frigid winters. We also see the very empty Zulu core, and that as predicted Hlobane isn’t falling yet.

91: >Be Chad

>Flub your start>Come back>Have a good war with Egypt>Proceed to do nothing>Have your nation start to crumble due to overpopulation>Kill Egypt>Proceed to continue doing nothing>Chad.png

92: Superior Firepower Doctrine

The Kayapo… appear to have built a very reasonable army, mixed in resources between GWI’s, Riflemen and a few ceremonial Line Infantrymen. They have also decided to switch targets towards Catamarca, readying up a bevy of GWI’s to take over the city promptly. The Argentines ready a response force, but they are 500 years too late to properly oppose the Kayapo.

93: Back For Seconds

The Kokang decide to try and get their comeuppance on Indonesia by attacking them not long after the Bengali war. Remember, the last time the two duked it off, Indonesia won overwhelmingly but refused to take land and instead got gameruined by demanding all of Kokangs luxuries and then proceeding to suffer 12 turns of anarchy. This time though, the Kokang seem distinctly more ready, and even have the technological advantage. Lets see how they duel.

94: Rule Britannia

The Anglo-Dutch march a strong force into Rotterdam, a great line of Blue Guards, line infantry, cavalry, and even some more advanced artillery pieces! The Blue Guards can attack twice in a single turn, and is strengthened when adjacent to units from civs with the same religion. They probably aren’t getting any buffs right now, but with how things are going, we could see the Dutch singing Rule Britannia sooner rather than later.

95: Destiny Got A Bit Wonky

Here it comes. The inevitable. The duel of the fates. Timor-Leste joins the Indo-Kokang war on the side of the Kokang. If you told me 7 months ago that the Timor-Leste are gonna hold a decisive advantage in a war against Indonesia I would’ve laughed your ass off into tomorrow. But here we are. The Timorese have a very decisive edge over Indonesia, with a military 2 eras ahead of the Indonesians, partially due to the fact that Indonesia got gameruined by 12 turns of anarchy from Kokang and partially because most of their relevant troops are gone after that war with Bengal. Hold on to your hats lads, this ain’t gonna be pretty.

96: Go Fish

And with the capture of Madurai, the Pandya are gone, most likely for good, because those frigates over there can’t recapture cities. The Pandya went off to a pretty decent start, though it was fairly uneventful, but they quickly got pegged back down to a rump with losses to Bengal and Afghanistan. They then sorta just sat there, being the best of the worst, and getting memed by Kilwa that one time, until the war with Afghanistan. We initially expected that they could maybe snipe a city from Afghanistan, but no, instead they did the exact opposite and just died. Truly, a performance of all time. F.

97: Seeing Orange

After a coronation as King of England in Rotterdam, William III witnesses the sad state of the Dutch army. They are being too passive against the non-confrontational Irish! They need to unite the spirit of the people in order to truly defeat their enemy at home court! With that spirit in hand, the Anglo-Dutch become communist and attempt to send more units over the channel to reinforce assaults up north, while the spectre of Amsterdam remains, a reminder of a humiliating blunder that will never fade away.

98: No Kamikazes Here

Welp, it looks like the tide has turned on the Mori, as the Gokturks begin putting a token force on Honshu. Any chance for objective victory for the Mori has seemingly passed. All thats left now is hoping they can battle off the Turks for long enough.

99: The Unexpected Victors

Barely a turn passes, and the Timorese have already secured Makassar from the Indonesians, with Palembang also open for assault. Up in the north, the vast Indonesian army present attempts to push through Battambang and Maliana, though their technological inferiority may cause progress to be minimal. Needless to say, theres a clear winner right now, and its not Suharto as we all originally thought.

100: And Just To Flex…

We end the episode with another, distinctly less expected Timor-Leste gain - the Zulu city of Ndondakusuka near the frigid wastes of Antarctica. The contingent that seized this city is a small, but hardened, group of destroyers and frigates, not high in number but potentially good enough to be a thorn on the Zulu’s sides since they are two eras behind the Timorese. And even if that doesn’t happen, thats a forward operating base for future incursions into Africa. Anyhow, thats all folks, this is JDT1706, and tune in next week for another episode of the Civ Battle Royale!

Episode 25: Acts and Revelations – S3

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