Episode 28: The Wheat and the Chaff

1

Hello and welcome to the 28th episode of the third season of this wonderful game where we watch fake countries kill each other! It’s me again, Admiral Cloudberg, your head power ranker, part-time CBR dev, and author of excruciatingly detailed accounts of plane crashes. I tend to focus on analysis over lore, but we’ve had a lot of lore-heavy narrations recently, so hopefully this satisfies those out there who are as interested in the game as we all are in the story. And if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably spent the past week eagerly awaiting today’s installment and have been unable to function for the past several hours out of sheer anticipation, so anyway, let’s get right into it.

2: Nirosat’s War Web

Special thanks to Nirosat, who has once again blessed us with a handy chart showing all currently active wars. This week, the standout observation is that more than half of the remaining civs are tied together by chains of ongoing wars.

3: Vihreaan Map

As usual, here’s the map going into this episode, thanks to the hard work of Vihreaa, resident mapmaker. Isn’t all that new Turkish land amazing to see? (Unless you were a Permian fan, I guess)

4: gib monies

Thank you once again to those who pitch in to keep the website and game computer running! Not everyone has time to volunteer for the project, but if you have money, that helps too!

5: The Permians

For our power ranking slide this week, I’ve chosen to highlight the former #1 ranked Permians, who have taken a 25-point slide as they face elimination at the hands of Turkey and Tuva. This is the most any civ’s rank has changed in one episode since the early game, and by a lot.

6: No Ships?

Our opening shot of the cylinder this week takes us to northern Japan, where the Gokturks are securing their hold over the Mori cities of Miiri-Takamatsu and Usukeshi. Although Mori Motonari has a large number of crossbowmen sitting on Honshu bombarding Miiri-Takamatsu, the city seems certain to stay in Gokturk hands, because Mori doesn’t have any boats in the Sea of Japan, which seems like a major strategic oversight. They do have some embarked melee units, but those will be swiftly destroyed by Gokturk frigates, and in any case, their route to the city is blocked by what appears to be a very lonely Seminole scout.

7: Sunset over the Kalahari

The end is fast approaching for Botswana as Angola captures both Francistown and Molepolole, on top of their capture of Selibe-Phikwe last episode. Mounted units are already surging across the desert toward Gaborone, backed up by aerial support from at least seven airplanes. In contrast, Botswana is defending its capital with medieval crossbowmen and knights. Although I was expecting Botswana to make it to total war, because that seems in character, it looks like I will be proved wrong. Elimination is imminent.

08: Angles of Attack

In North America, mighty WWI-era tank armies clash on the freezing steppes of North Dakota and the vast forests of Ontario, where the Cree are solidly on the defensive. Although Poundmaker has more troops on paper, Arapaho has a clear advantage due to their overwhelming air superiority. Pretty Nose has 28 airplanes in this image to Poundmaker’s zero, which is allowing the smaller Arapaho army to rapidly tear through its enemies. Philadelphia has already fallen to yellow, and although the Cree have managed to take back Kapawe No, the overall strategic situation for the boys in blue appears dire.

09: Invasion of Hawaii

Artillery rings out over white sand beaches as the Inca and Cree close in on the Ming Hawaii stronghold of Guiyang. The city will likely fall within the next turn, but to whom? The Cree currently have the better positioning, with a destroyer in front of the city and artillery landing on the island’s northern shore, but if I read the observer interface correctly, Ming will have the next move. If the badly damaged Cree destroyer dies, then either aggressor could end up in control of this strategic island metropolis.

10: More Ming Murdering

As we saw last episode, Han has captured both remaining Ming mainland cities, and now Wu’s troops are mopping up the last Ming units still resisting his advance. Ming has now been exiled to some islands off the Chinese coast... wait, where have we heard this story before?

Anyway, unlike in our world, Han will likely be able to take the Ming island cities due to its overwhelmingly superior firepower, and Yongle is staring down elimination at the hands of his many enemies. Han is also assisted in this effort by Tong Yabghu, who was a Gokturk Qaghan between 618 and 628. Apparently having been captured during the fall of Otuken, he is now serving his former enemy.

At the same time, I’d like to note that the Mohave attack on Kokang has failed, and in fact Kokang is looking rather strong, with large numbers of artillery and airplanes defending every inch of its territory.

11: Holy shit it’s Aquaman

After just spending a whole slide talking about how Mori wasn’t going to recapture Miiri-Takamatsu, they’ve gone and done exactly that, using an embarked knight. Stacking multiple types of penalties vs. cities didn’t stop them, apparently. It will flip back, especially with at least 13 Gokturk airplanes having arrived in the region, but I commend them for trying.

12: Praise the Sun

Ming’s Hawaiian outpost of Guiyang has fallen to the Inca, who managed to get a ship into the city before the Cree could do the same! That leaves Ming’s remaining cities at the mercy of Han, which is to say, they’re fucked. Meanwhile, the Inca might struggle to defend this city if attacked by the Mohave. Will Irataba realize? If so, that would be a naval war of truly epic proportions.

13: Epitaph for an Empire

Here’s the front we probably all were dying to see, and as expected, it’s bad news for the Permians. Turkey has captured the provisional Permian capital of Idnakar, while Tuva has advanced into Telsiai, cutting off Cherdyn from Ekspera and Kuva. One of those cities is already taking damage, and it seems Turkey is trying to race Tuva to the very shores of the Arctic Ocean.

14: Origins of the Cylinder

Ataturk’s most talented scientists and engineers have launched their most impressive wonder yet: the Hubble Space Telescope, whose mission is to scan the distant cosmos for evidence of the universe’s origins. Of course, there’s nothing there, because they live in a simulation. Ataturk decides not to make this discovery public so as not to cause panic.

15: Cetshwayo’s Last Laugh

In one fell swoop, Angola demolishes the defenses of Gaborone and marches into the city, eliminating Seretse Khama of Botswana in 44th place.

Botswana went into this season with low expectations. Their playstyle is peaceful and their starting location was poor, stuck in the desert in between the Zulus and Angola with little room to expand. In episode 0, we ranked Botswana 56th, so in that sense at least they exceeded expectations, albeit not by much. They eventually founded 6 cities, including their capital, but they never held all 6 at the same time, and they periodically lost or gave away outlying cities to their stronger neighbors. For a while, they sat doing nothing, and by the middle of episode 27 it looked like they were finally about to best their eternal rivals, the Zulus. But it was not to be. Angola’s invasion swiftly destroyed them, while Cetshwayo lives on, at least for now.

16: For the Emperor!

On board a frigate in the East China Sea, Yongle rallies the few troops he has left, promising to fight to the end. Fueled by desperation and pride, several Ming units launch a last-ditch attack on Shuntian, retaking the city and catching Han by surprise! Wu has no units in place to immediately recapture it, so this bold move could prolong the war by at least several turns.

17: Berlin je Srbija?

After a stunning comeback in episode 27, Yugoslavia is continuing to advance into Brandenburg, moving its units for an attack on Königsburg. Several artillery units are in position, and so far Brandenburg’s massive air superiority has failed to stop them. If Frederick-William doesn’t use all those airplanes to take out Yugoslavia’s advancing armies, he might find himself down another city, or worse, even his capital. Overall, an unthinkable outcome for a civ that was supposed to be a top 10 power.

18: Iron Rain

As a large Arapaho force advances on Sturgeon Lake, the Cree are struggling to mount a credible counterattack, as their units keep getting destroyed in massive aerial bombing runs. A lone rifleman has managed to cut the supply chains to Hinenitee Toh-nooxeih-t, but it’s all by itself and will soon be killed. A few Cree units are trying to approach the Arapaho capital, but no siege units have moved into range, and one has to imagine that Arapaho airplanes would demolish them if they tried.

19: No Macarthur

From this scene, it’s clear that the Mohave invasion of Kokang is failing, as mentioned earlier. Mohave’s ships are unable to pass between Luzon and Taiwan thanks to Kokang’s robust defenses, and there’s nothing to suggest that a breakthrough might be imminent.

Meanwhile in the upper left, Han has begun an operation to recapture Shuntian, although Yongle personally urges his expeditionary forces to hold the line.

Farther to the south, Timor-Leste watches carefully with the world’s first fleet of submarines. A few of the world’s first battleships have also made an appearance in Timorese lands, preparing to wreak havoc on whatever enemy Xanana Gusmão targets next.

20: Born in the Purple

An overview of Kilwa lands reveals a civilization without any options remaining. All of Kilwa’s neighbors are either stronger, or are Uganda, which is invincible. In a war with Timor-Leste, the advantage of surprise might net them Umgungundlovu, but Timor would eventually come to destroy them. Despite its apparently smaller fleet, Yemen would likely win a war against Kilwa as well, thanks to its growing air force. However, Kilwa can at least boast of having recruited the great musician Meerabai, a 16th-century Hindu saint known for her songs expressing devotion to Krishna, whom she considered her husband.

21: Depths of Irony

Kokang has recruited the great musician Janis Joplin, in real life a titan of rock whose albums sold among the most copies of any US artist. However, as you might recall, Janis Joplin died at age 27... of an opiate overdose. Guess what Kokang’s main export is? Something tells me her life isn’t going to end any better this time around...

22: Canals of Angkor Thom

Cambodia, meanwhile, has recruited Canaletto, or “little canal,” the nickname? pen name? of Bernardo Canal, a Venetian painter known for his landscapes. In real life he painted scenes of Venice, but Cambodia has a lot in common with Venice, so he’s probably right at home.

23: Wonders of Modernity

Yemen has recruited Madonna, one of the most famous pop singers of all time, and appears to be sending her toward Chad for a concert tour. Does Arwa al-Sulayhi realize that culture victories are turned off?

I also want to note that while Turkey’s lands appear empty, one shouldn’t be fooled. Ataturk’s tanks, infantry, mobile SAMs, and rocket artillery would make short work of Chad’s skirmishers and riflemen if they went to war, despite Chad’s superior numbers. Also, many of these units have more than 2 movement points, which means they could reach the front line quickly from anywhere in the empire. And that means that none of Turkey’s neighbors are likely to be a threat to them anytime soon.

24: Wait, there was another one?

Over in Central Asia, Turkey has surprisingly captured Sar-e-Pol—surprising not because it was hard to take or anything, but because I didn't realize the Permians still had a city in this area, so far from their remaining lands. It was obviously indefensible, but it must have held out for so long due to its remote and mountainous location. However, the notifications and minimap tell us that Sar-e-Pol wasn’t the only city to fall this turn...

25: Final Days

That’s right, Tuva has captured Cherdyn and Turkey has taken Ekspera, which means that Kuva is the last remaining Permian city! Numerous Tuvan units, including artillery and landships, are already approaching this final holdout, and Azykay’s belated acquisition of six airplanes is unlikely to stop them. Turkey is also trying to get in on the action, but their tanks are farther away and are partially blocked by some stray troops from the Kyivan Rus’, who are currently shocked that the Permians will die before they do.

26: Please kill me

At this rate the Permians will also certainly die before Rio de la Plata, because Chile still has barely managed to put a scratch on Tucuman, thanks to Allende’s incompetent military tactics. At the same time, we’re seeing some substantial peacetime aggression from the Kayapo, who have planted a chain of citadels cutting deep into Chilean territory. Is this a harbinger of a war to come? If so, Kayapo should win easily, given that Chile’s troops are sorely outdated, while Kayapo is sporting artillery, marines, airplanes, destroyers, and other modern implements of destruction.

27: North Sea garbage patch

Here’s why Brandenburg has such a high military score, even though they’re losing to Yugoslavia: it’s almost all destroyers. There are so many destroyers just chilling in the North Sea that Brandenburg can barely build any land units, and their cities are practically undefended. This fleet could easily do a lot of damage to Ireland or the Anglo-Dutch, but against Yugoslavia it’s completely useless. Frederick-William’s priorities are clearly very out of whack and he’s paying the price on the battlefield.

28: Double Smackdown

Over in East Asia, Han is bringing down the hammer on Ming, capturing Kaifeng and launching a major assault on Guilin. Shuntian is also in the black, but Wu has yet to find a melee unit to finish the job. Even so, the elimination of Ming is near, and it’s a race to the finish line for 43rd place between Yongle and Azykay.

At the same time, Han has also begun a less publicized assault on North Korea, with numerous troops landing on the peninsula to attack Pyongyang. The city is taking damage, and could fall in the near future, especially if Han finishes off Ming and diverts its troops northward.

29: The Canadian Shield isn’t actually a defensive fortification

After a couple turns looking elsewhere, we return to the war in North America, and good god is it looking dire for Cree. Both Sturgeon Lake and Philadelphia are on the brink of capture, and the Cree army seems only sufficient to hold the line at Kapawe No, which is also being bombarded down to red. Otherwise, Cree troops are thin on the ground, and Arapaho is pushing forward almost uncontested. Truly a shocking turnaround for what was once considered the premier power in North America!

30: How the Mighty Have Fallen

With one last round of artillery and the rumble of tanks, Tuva rolls into Kuva (haha that rhymes), eliminating Azykay of the Permians in 43rd place. With a frigate and a caravel in front of the city, Azykay may flip it once, but once only.

The Permians had high expectations and got off to a strong start, being ranked 6th in episode 0 and immediately climbing to first place in episode 1. Azykay expanded quickly, becoming the first civ to 5 and then 8 cities, leading to a strong production base that helped him keep the top spot through episode 7. During this time, Permian armies dispatched Khazaria, gaining a capital and relegating their southern neighbor to a single poorly developed city. The Permians were never again ranked 1st after episode 7, however, and their fortunes took a substantial blow in episode 10 when Tuva seized several cities from their eastern flank. Nevertheless, the Permians went on to capture the Massagetae capital, eliminate Vladimir, and seize several cities from Afghanistan, clawing their way back up to 8th place in the process. But just when it seemed they were back on track, the tag-team invasion from Tuva and Turkey utterly flattened them, and all of their cities were captured in just 1.5 episodes. In the end, the Permians are out in 43rd, but their impact on the game will forever outstrip their relatively low placement.

31: There is absolutely nothing amiss in North Korea, state media reports

The vice is closing on North Korea as Han begins to commit more troops to the fight. No cities have taken major damage yet, but two artillery units have set up in range of Pyongyang, and rogue Uhlans are currently sweeping away Kim’s outdated crossbowman carpet. Against Han’s vastly superior technology and production, North Korea can only hold out for so long, even if so far Wu has yet to commit his full range of military capabilities.

32: Gritty turns his coat

In North America, the Arapaho land a massive blow against the Cree, capturing Sturgeon Lake and sending Poundmaker’s troops packing! The Cree currently have little hope of retaking the city, as all their troops are desperately trying to hold onto Kapawe No. At the same time, the fact that Philadelphia has lost population and is in resistance indicates that that city has also flipped, dealing severe damage. It might take several turns for the Arapaho to mount a counter-counterattack and take it a second time, but I have little doubt that they will.

33: Dockworkers of the World

Driven by strong and organized maritime unions, the Normans embrace the global revolution and adopt Communism as their ideology.

Up north, we can just barely see that Yugoslavia has begun dealing damage to Königsburg, even as Brandenburg bombards Potsdam and Zagreb into the black with its air force. As usual, they seem not to have their targets properly prioritized: Frederick-William should really be using those planes to take out Tito’s artillery instead.

Lastly, in the bottom left, we can see that Castile’s attack on Capua has failed, but Tetouan has a few boats continuing to harass the city, which the Normans have so far found difficult to reinforce.

34: Azykay’s last stand

In a moment of desperate triumph, the Permians recapture Kuva using their stray frigate and caravel, briefly putting themselves back onto the map. The city will be recaptured immediately, but it was a valiant effort. Azykay himself was said to have led the landing force, knowing that he would be killed when the Tuvans rolled back into the freezing streets.

35: 100% Nature, 0% Air Force

In a sudden and unexpected turn of events, a major war breaks out in the South Pacific as the Wiradjuri attack the Maori! Although the narrator last week called the Maori forces respectable, that’s clearly not the case, as Potatau’s navy is made up mostly of galleasses, which can be destroyed in one hit by Wiradjuri’s destroyers. With numerous advanced planes and ships lined up to invade New Zealand, I fully expect this to be a slaughterfest which could even lead to an elimination.

36: For real this time

As expected, Tuva quickly storms back into Kuva, ensuring that the Permians stay dead this time. With the destruction of the last Permian melee unit, the war is officially over and Azykay is officially dead, although a few stray ships and explorers continue to cling to life in Lithuania, having fled leaderless into the tundra.

Several Tuvan throat singers use the sight of the destroyed city as inspiration for their latest hymns.

37: Let the Bodies Hit the Floor

One turn later, we get our third elimination of the episode as Han captures both remaining Ming cities, eliminating Yongle in 42nd place. A few units are still alive, but with no melee units in position to recapture either city, I’m confident Ming will stay dead.

Ming was a civ which did not meet expectations. Their highest ever rank was in episode 0, and their second highest was in episode 1, which should tell you something about their overall trajectory. From the very beginning they lived in the shadow of Han, founding fewer cities and failing to occupy enough of China to ever overpower their northern neighbor. Han tried to kill them many times, usually ending in failure. But over time, a city here and there was lost, until Han finally seized the capital. After that, the Inca captured Ming Hawaii, and Han declared war again to take the rest, mopping up what was left of Yongle’s empire. In the end, they will not be one of the more memorable competitors this season—an unfortunate conclusion for a civ that could in theory have been interesting.

38: Hammertime

Arapaho lands another massive blow against the Cree, taking both Philadelphia and Kapawe No in a single turn as a large expeditionary force approaches Natuashish! Poundmaker is responding with an assault on the Arapaho city just offscreen to the left, but this appears to be a distraction while Pretty Nose tears through core Cree territories. Poundmaker has tried to stem the bleeding by acquiring airplanes, and he appears to have at least 7 stationed near the front line, but that’s woefully inadequate to counter the Arapaho air force, which is three times as big.

I should also note that with the capture of Philadelphia, Arapaho’s lands are finally united. Yay for cleaning up border gore!

39: Land of the Long White (Smoke) Cloud

Wiradjuri immediately brings the hurt to the Maori by capturing Tokaanu, while more ships head for Pukawa, already dealing damage. The Maori navy west of New Zealand has already been totally destroyed, with numerous galleasses either sunk or captured by the Wiradjuri, and there’s little sign that Potatau has anything up his sleeve which could forestall disaster. It’s just a matter of how far Windradyne wants to take this.

40: Siege of Königsburg

In Europe, Brandenburg has thrown together something resembling a land army, but it needs to act fast if they want to stop Yugoslavia from capturing Königsburg, which is down to yellow health. Several damage notifications indicate that Brandenburg is using its airplanes heavily, but still, their targets appear to be Potsdam and Zagreb, and not the army knocking at their doorstep.

41: I repeat, all is normal, there is absolutely no cause for alarm

We may have a fourth elimination on our hands here as Han flattens the North Korean capital of Pyongyang and sends forces to attack both Hamhung and Tajihi-Sarugake simultaneously. The approach to the latter city is famously difficult, but with artillery in position, the mountains should not be much of a barrier for the advancing Han forces.

In related news, this makes Han the first civ to control five capitals!

42: The Partially Irish Isles

Several distant civs have made peace with Ireland, giving us an excuse to look at Michael Collins’ much-diminished empire. He has spent peacetime spamming his UU rifleman, the Fenian, which gains strength from defensive buildings in nearby Irish cities—certainly a good choice for a leader in his position. This carpet looks sufficient to hold off any future invasions by the Anglo-Dutch. Nevertheless, Brandenburg would probably still wipe the floor with Ireland were they to attack, which is part of why we think Michael’s days are numbered.

43: Suharto’s Folly

As you may have noticed on the sidebar, Indonesia has made peace with Afghanistan. Despite the fact that Durrani can’t reach any of Indonesia’s remaining cities, Suharto has nevertheless ceded control of Semarang in the peace treaty, giving Afghanistan an indefensible Malayan exclave. Maybe Cambodia should try to capture it?

In any case, this blunder just makes things even worse for Indonesia, whose already beleaguered empire just got even smaller. Certainly Timor-Leste, whose armed forces have never looked so scary, could eliminate them with ease.

44: Interventionist Foreign Policy

My prediction came true—it’s war!

After their earlier war, Kayapo set up a friendly puppet government in Tucuman, and Raoni Metuktire is not happy that Chile is trying to destroy it. Now, seeing that Allende’s efforts to take the city have failed, and his army is diminished, Kayapo has launched a massive intervention, declaring war on Chile in defense of their smaller neighbor! The technological disparity here is large, and a Kayapo victory appears likely—but Raoni could at least have brought a few more troops to the front, because his attacking force seems fairly small. Nevertheless, if Kayapo deals substantial damage to Chile, then their position as the top civ in South America would be virtually indisputable.

45: Moments of Defiance

For a moment anyway, both major powers in northeast Asia are put on the back foot. North Korea has temporarily recaptured Pyongyang, while Mori has again retaken Miiri-Takamatsu, putting up a valiant defense against the Gokturks. However, the odds remain against both civs, especially North Korea, which is on death’s door as vastly more advanced Han troops surround their remaining cities.

Farther to the south, on Kyushu, a lone Ming skirmisher engages in guerilla warfare against Han troops sent to mop up any remaining resistance. With communications cut off, the small band of Ming loyalists is unaware that Yongle has been put to death in a symbolic trial in occupied Guilin.

46: A fluid battlefield

In a major push, the Cree managed to recapture Kapawe No, Philadelphia, Sturgeon Lake, and Hinenitee Toh-nooxeih-t, but the Arapaho counterattack is equally massive, as Pretty Nose retakes all four cities simultaneously. At the same time, Natuashish is beginning to take damage as Arapaho artillery and machine guns approach the city. The Cree Air Force has increased to at least 9 planes, but so far, these have yet to turn the tide.

47: 100% there for the taking

In the South Pacific, Operation Invade New Zealand continues with the Wiradjuri capture of Pirongia, cutting off Potatau’s northern holdings from his capital. Windradyne’s destroyers are making short work of the outdated Maori navy, and more cities are expected to fall imminently.

To the north, the incredible mass of Incan Polynesia looks on, menacingly.

48: What’s Serbian for Kaliningrad?

In a triumph of Yugoslav military prowess, Tito has captured Königsburg, sending Brandenburg packing! It will surely flip back, but Frederick-William is clearly on the back foot, with enemy units within two tiles of Berlin itself. Brandenburg needs to find a brain cell somewhere in here, but it seems they’re coming up empty.

Of course, I’m sure you’re all far more interested in that war declaration that just dropped on the sidebar... but you’ll have to wait a moment for that.

49: Our glorious forces are still in full control of Pyongyang, there is no reason to worry

Reality returns to East Asia as Han recaptures Pyongyang and the Gokturks retake Miiri-Takamatsu. At the same time, Wu has bombarded Hamhung down to yellow, and Kim Il-sung is contemplating retreating to Tajihi-Sarugake for his personal safety. But who knows how long even that fortress will last...

50: Operation Save New Zealand

Pukawa drops to yellow health as Wiradjuri’s assault on the Maori continues, at least for now—Windradyne is about to have bigger problems. For now, Potatau Te Wherowhero needs to do his best to hold the line and hope Timorese forces arrive in time to save his skin...

As all this is going on, American musician Tom Waits documents the events in songs describing the daily lives of average Maori soldiers.

51: Showdown in the Outback (Steakhouse)

Finally, we get a good look at the new Timor-Wiradjuri war, and boy is this going to be messy. Xanana Gusmão has landed a large land force on Australia to fight Wiradjuri in the interior, and numerous planes have been moved to the front, but Timor’s navy has barely started to move. A few fast-moving Wiradjuri landships and cavalry have hurried toward Doomut, putting a lick of damage on the city, but can they hold off the larger invasion? My suspicion is that they cannot. Even so, Wiradjuri is so large that Timor may struggle to land a crippling blow, especially given the two civs’ war record, which consists of two minor Timorese victories and no blowouts.

52: Battle of South Georgia

Kayapo apparently failed to predict the consequences of their war declaration for the lightly defended Antarctic colony of Mizque—or perhaps they saw it as an inevitable sacrifice in the pursuit of a larger victory. Either way, Chile is sure to capture the city, and at the moment Kayapo has little hope of taking it back.

53: bzzt Hey, what’s wrong with the radio?

In Korea, Han’s mechanized advance continues, toppling Hamhung and knocking Tajihi-Sarugake into the yellow. No melee units are currently in position to capture it, but Han’s superior firepower should make sure that it falls eventually. And given the number of scenes left, it’s entirely possible that it happens before the end of this episode.

Meanwhile, Gokturk planes have bombarded the Mori city of Miyao into the black, but so far Bumin Qaghan has not followed up with any melee ships that could flip it.

54: The Aftermath

Turkey has a lot of work ahead of it to integrate all its newly conquered lands and set up an army to defend them. For now, however, their rapid response forces should be sufficient to deal with any opportunistic attack, and stacks of planes lie in wait to counter aerial threats. Lithuania, meanwhile, is modernizing its military, with planes, artillery, and landships of its own, in order to hold off any future Turkish threats.

55: High Drama on the High Plains

The Arapaho appear to have locked down Philadelphia and Sturgeon Lake, while Kapawe No and Hinenitee Toh-nooxeih-t remain heavily contested. (I apologize in advance to Iniocl for repeatedly making him pronounce that city name.) So far, Arapaho still has the upper hand, but it’s worth pointing out that Cree now has more planes in this scene than Arapaho does (22 vs. 20), which is a major turnaround. Pretty Nose had best not get complacent in her victory.

As a side note, this would be the perfect time for Mohave to jump in on the Cree and build that Pacific Coast empire we all want and deserve...

56: Achievement unlocked: Ruler of South Island

Despite facing a major threat from Timor-Leste, the Wiradjuri are continuing to dismantle the Maori, capturing Pukawa and burning off some population in the process. If the Wiradjuri are suffering from happiness issues, that’s not a good sign, since negative happiness will give them an unaffordable combat penalty vs. Timor-Leste. Against the Maori, though, it means very little, as Potatau’s capital and second city have already begun taking damage.

57: Timor Time

An overview of the western front, on the other hand, reveals that the situation for Wiradjuri is even more dire than I could possibly have predicted. Backed up by massive air superiority, Timor-Leste is pushing hard into Australia, having already captured Gudhamangdhuray and bombarded Minyanbal down to black. Windradyne is attempting to resist, but his efforts so far have been ineffectual, except for some moderate damage to Doomut.

58: In the Trenches of Germany

In Europe, Brandenburg has mounted something of a counteroffensive, recapturing Königsburg and moving in units to defend it. Yugoslavia is looking a little bit thinner on the ground, but they’re still putting up one hell of a fight, and if they keep it up I’d expect them to still come out ahead by the time the war is over. With artillery now in range of Berlin, though, they could pull off the ultimate meme move...

59: War on the Rocks

In the South Atlantic, Chile has captured the former Rioplatense city of Mizque, but we have yet to see the front on land. Is Kayapo pressing the offensive? We can’t really tell. What we can see is that more Kayapo destroyers have entered the frame than last time, but there still aren’t enough of them to capture a city.

As a side note, the fight for Mizque took place on South Georgia Island, which in real life is the only part of the greater Antarctic region ever to be contested in battle. Argentina took over the island from Britain during the Falklands war, and Britain later sent troops to take it back, resulting in exchanges of fire and an eventual British victory. Just a fun fact!

60: The forest spirits must be disappointed

Speak of the devil, here’s an overview of the main front in the Kayapo-Chile war. And I have to say... it’s rather underwhelming. Kayapo isn’t in danger of losing, but they simply haven’t committed enough troops to win, either. Their complete lack of naval units certainly doesn’t help. Raoni will need to really pick up the pace here if he was to come out of this war with any appreciable gains, because right now he’s down 0-1 with no signs of another point on the horizon.

61: The Impregnable Stronghold of the Proletariat

The action continues around the Sea of Japan, where Han has secured Hamhung, the Gokturks are pushing on Miyao, and Tajihi-Sarugake is in the red without a Han melee unit in position. An artillery unit is blocking the only land approach to the city, and Han hasn’t removed the naval units which are preventing them from embarking to take it instead, so the city could hold out for a while due to sheer incompetence. Open borders with Mori would help, but Han doesn’t have them. All I can say is if we don’t get this fourth elimination this episode, I will feel robbed.

62: Please don’t look at the left side of the scene, everything is fine

The Wiradjuri continue to chew their way through the few remaining Maori cities, taking Whatiwhatihoe. (As a random aside, the Maori phoneme “wh” is pronounced closer to the English letter “f” than it is to “w.” I assume some of you reading this are big enough nerds to know that already, but I also expect a fair few are not, so there you go.) Anyway, only one Maori Polynesian city remains, and unless things take a serious turn for the weird, it should be falling shortly as well.

63: It’s Raining Men

Farther to the west, Timor Time continues, as Xanana Gusmão bombards multiple cities down to red and deploys the season’s first paratrooper! That’s a major milestone in military technology, which perhaps heralds an even larger collapse of the Wiradjuri than we anticipate. Certainly, if Timor can perfect the one-two punch strategy of massive aerial bombardments followed by swarms of paratroopers, then nothing Windradyne can field will stop them.

Evidence indicates that the Wiradjuri did manage to flip Doomut briefly, but it’s solidly back under Timorese control now, and seems likely to stay that way.

64: It’s like a tower in the sky, man

Meanwhile, Kayapo completes the Sky tower, which reduces unhappiness from population in non-occupied cities by 15%, gives +1 gold for every 4 citizens in the city it’s built in, and provides a free broadcast tower. It would be hard to find a better place to build it than in Gorotire, which has an incredible 61 population.

65: Green, Or Else

It’s time for a brief intermission in order to view the government screens. Probably the funniest development here is that the Cree, in a time of war, are a military dictatorship run by a grassroots network of environmentalists.

On another note, it’s probably pretty easy for the Kwakwaka’wakw government-in-exile to talk about “national unity” when they don’t have a nation.

66: Law and Justice?

Lots of monarchies here. I’ll highlight Yemen, which is currently ruled by the Our Yemeni Social Justice Party, which was rebranded after they decided “My First Yemeni Social Justice Party” was too capitalist and sounded like it was meant for kids.

67: (K)HAAAAAAN

Han apparently is a nationalist horde. There are few things scarier than a horde with a strong national identity.

68: Animal Rights Commune

The Inca have been quiet since they took Guiyang. If you wondered what they were doing, apparently it was saving the animals.

69: And the Malian Civic Congress runs the Kyivan Rus’...

For some reason, the Seminole government-in-exile is dominated by the People’s Camp of Greenland. No, I don’t know what happened there either.

70: Resettlement Policy

Back to the action, where we observe that the Arapaho have captured Kapawe No again, but have also founded a new city in upper Michigan, near the straits of Mackinac. This was made possible only by the captures of Philadelphia and Sturgeon Lake. Similar opportunities may arise in the future as a large offensive force bears down on Natuashish, again.

71: Best Korea Wins Again!

After a long, hard battle, the Gokturks have captured Miyao, pushing Mori deeper into Honshu. But more importantly, Han has made peace with North Korea, which means that against all odds, Kim Il-sung will live on, for now. Truly he is the greatest diplomatic mastermind in history.

72: Lords of the Steppe

Turkey’s new northern territories remain empty and undeveloped, but the integration program has broken ground with the annexation of Atil. Most of the military units appear to be headed back to Anatolia, but a lot of planes remain stationed in the area to slow down any invaders and buy time for the tanks and artillery to return.

73: Potatau’s Pelennor Fields

In Aotearoa, the Wiradjuri are still wiping the floor with the Maori, capturing and temporarily razing Pukekura. The capital, Ngaruawahia, is taking a fair bit of damage as well, and if it falls next, only two Maori cities will remain. Elimination before the end of the episode is still a distinct possibility.

However, some notifications in the upper center inform us that Windradyne is fighting back on his other front as well...

74: Sad didgeridoo noises

...Or, well, he was. Wiradjuri briefly flipped Doomut and Gudhamangdhuray, but Timor-Leste has recaptured both cities, with several units penetrating deep into the Wiradjuri lines. Overall, the situation here looks grim, albeit not disastrous, for the Australians.

Notably, the only reason Minyanbal hasn’t flipped is because the only sea access to the city goes through Incan territory, and Xanana Gusmão doesn’t have open borders. A submarine seems to have found its way over somehow, but so far the destroyers can’t move past Cape York.

75: Embrace the Void

A shot of South America reveals that neither the Inca nor Kayapo have many land units. In fact, the Inca have almost none to speak of; Kayapo has slightly more, and presumably others are away fighting chile. More annoyingly, the Kayapo navy consists mainly of carriers, though at least Raoni has stationed aircraft on some of them.

Another fun observation: if the Inca were to lose control of their coastal city of Vilcashuamán for whatever reason, they would lose city connections with 90% of their empire, because it’s the only harbor city connected to their capital.

76: Braving the South Atlantic

Farther to the south, Kayapo has somewhat evened the score in its war with Chile, capturing the Atlantic outpost of Talca. However, there’s no sign of a larger Kayapo fleet coming to retake Mizque, and given the number of Chilean units in the area, Allende could probably retake Talca if he wanted to.

77: A Tense Border

Along the currently peaceful Mohave-Muisca border, some interesting developments are taking place. The Muisca seem to have built a large if outdated unit carpet to deter the technologically advanced Mohave, and they’ve even brought more planes to the border than Mohave has. However, the presence of 7 planes in San Salvador (possible only with an airport building) reveals that the Mohave have researched Radar, meaning that they’re probably fielding bombers and fighters, vs. Muisca’s Great War bombers and triplanes. The presence of anti-aircraft guns would also significantly hamper any attempt by the Muisca to exert air superiority. Overall, a war here would clearly favor the Mohave on the basis of technology alone.

78: La La Lietuva

Lithuania has definitely built up its military, and they no longer look like they might collapse at any moment. However, their navy still needs work, since most of their ships are hopelessly outdated and would quickly crumble in a war with Brandenburg. That said, given Brandenburg’s track record so far, maybe there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Also in this scene is legendary Jamaican musician Toots Hibbert, who practically invented the reggae genre. In the CBR timeline, Lithuanian reggae is popular around the world, thanks to him.

79: It’s a rout!

On the plains of Canada, the Cree defense has utterly crumbled. Kapawe No is no longer even contested, and a large Arapaho force has finally captured Natuashish and is pressing on toward Ekuantshit. Row after row of Cree artillery have lined up to defend the capital, but Pretty Nose is no doubt already brainstorming ways to take this ultimate prize and dispatch her northern rivals once and for all.

80: BERLIN JE SRBIJA???

BREAKING NEWS: IT’S HAPPENING!!!

Propelled by the dogged discipline of Josip Broz Tito, Yugoslav forces have not only recaptured Könisgburg, but are making a push on Berlin itself which is now on the verge of success! A few episodes ago, we had written off Yugoslavia for dead, but look at them now! Berlin is down to yellow and Tito’s riflemen are knocking at the gates. Forget what I said earlier about Lithuania being too weak—maybe they should jump in?

81: What even is an air force composition?

In South America, Kayapo has brought a lot more land units and planes to the front lines, but they’ve still made no progress against Chile, despite the large technological disparity between them. Part of the problem is that Kayapo has too many triplanes, which are mainly defensive, and not enough bombers. Triplanes are no good for attacking cities, but Chile doesn’t have any planes to defend against, so they’re just sitting there doing nothing.

82: It’s a rout, part 2

The rout of the Cree continues in this scene as Arapaho removes every single one of Poundmaker’s front line units. Ekuantshit is near surrounded, Hinenitee Toh-nooxeih-t has been recaptured (for now), and landships are staring across the empty plains at Sipiwininiwak. Remember when the Cree were a top 5 power? What were we thinking, I wonder?

83: Struggle for the Sea of Japan

Some strange borders have momentarily manifested in Japan, where Mori has somehow recaptured Miiri-Takamatsu without first retaking Miyao. It’s an admirable effort, but the Gokturks are slowly wearing Mori down, and if this continues much longer, the war could turn very suddenly.

On the other hand, if North Korea declared war on Mori right now, they might even capture Miiri-Takamatsu, which would be a hilarious move for a civ that’s practically on death’s door.

84: Destruction of a Nation

It’s almost curtains for the Maori as the Wiradjuri capture Ngaruawahia, adding a second capital to their empire! Either one or two Maori cities remain, depending on whether that northernmost city (currently off screen) has fallen or not. Waitomo is also taking damage, and it doesn't look like Windradyne intends to stop until the Maori are wiped off the map completely.

As a side note, what is the city of Walla Walla doing in Australia? That’s in Washington state! That’s clearly an impostor!

85: Mopping up the stragglers

Another shot confirms that Waitomo is indeed the last Maori city, as Taumaranui has fallen and is being put to the torch (at least for now).

Some part of me hopes that the Inca will get involved against the Wiradjuri; that would really spice things up.

86: I am become death

Breaking news: Turkey has officially split the atom! Earlier, Turkey and Mohave completed the Manhattan Project, but now Ataturk is the first to deploy actual combat-capable nuclear weapons, with several stationed in Balanjar. One has to wonder: do any of those other stacks of planes in this scene contain nuclear weapons as well? If so, then Turkey’s astonishing rise may have taken a turn for the terrifying. Ataturk’s enemies should take note.

87: Ah, the joy of music

In an attempt to entertain the civilian population in wartime, Raoni Metuktire has completed the Sydney Opera House in Rio de Janeiro, a fitting location if I ever saw one. On some level I do love Kayapo’s insistence on building cultural wonders at any cost, even while at war.

88: Xanana is inevitable

Windradyne’s victories over the Maori have served only to distract the populace from the increasingly desperate situation on the western front, where Timorese units are poised to capture both Minyanbal and Loowee, while Gulgong is also taking damage. Timor-Leste is advancing on every front at once, and Wiradjuri’s resistance is proving ineffective. Can Timor be stopped? I personally hope they can’t, because Timor winning it all would be hilarious.

89: Pirates of the Mediterranean

I don’t think most of us thought Tetouan would live long enough for us to see their unique unit, the Qursan, a privateer replacement which heals if it ends its turn in enemy territory with movement points remaining. It also damages adjacent enemy units and extracts gold per turn from them. With the help of a couple of frigates, Sayyida al-Hurra is using it to harass the isolated Norman city of Capua, which has been bombarded into the yellow, although we can’t ignore the fact that Robert Guiscard is apparently trying to attack Marrakech from the north as well. Fortunately for Tetouan, he doesn’t appear to have enough land units to get the job done, and naval units are still unable to reach the front lines.

90: Pushing deep

The bad news continues for the Cree, as Ekuantshit has fallen to red and Arapaho landships have penetrated as far as Kawawachikamach. More Arapaho units are at the doorstep of Sipiwininiwak, including some newly developed tanks, which promise to supercharge Pretty Nose’s already impressive offensive capabilities. It might not happen this episode, but I would be shocked at this point if the Cree still controlled their own capital at the end of the war.

91: A disastrous attempt at war

Tupac Yupanqui gets the bright idea to attack Kokang with about three wooden ships. Seriously, if the Mohave couldn’t do it, then neither can you. Sincerely, everyone.

92: Two wars in the South Pacific

Oh wait, here’s the real target of the war: Kokang’s last Antarctic colony. Tupac should manage to take it, but it’s surprisingly well-defended, and it probably won’t be as easy as he thought.

Of course, the other thing happening here is the last Maori city falling to yellow, as Windradyne races to finish them off before the episode ends.

93: Patrolling the Outback almost makes you wish for... wait

Meanwhile, Timor-Leste has penetrated deep into Australia with the capture of Loowee, formerly one of the largest Wiradjuri cities, if not the largest, period. Doomut flipped again, but Windradyne doesn’t have much left up his sleeve; Gulgong, Minyanbal, and Kahakaharoa are all on the ropes, and Timorese destroyers are beginning to attack Maraekowhai, which is defended only by airplanes. Loowee will likely flip back, but the scale of the damage which is being done cannot be overstated.

94: Goddammit you really had me there for a moment

In a terrible disappointment for everyone who craves drama, Brandenburg has managed to push Yugoslavia back from the gates of Berlin, forestalling a complete disaster, at least for now. Unfortunately for Yugoslavia fans, Frederick-William seems to have remembered how to produce land units, and for the first time in a while, Tito appears to be outnumbered. He’d best transition to holding the line and hope his offensive capability is preserved—because if he doesn’t, then he’ll never take Berlin, not now and certainly not in the future.

95: Tear down those walls

In the latest developments in the war in Canada, Arapaho has captured Ekuantshit, and the siege of Sipiwininiwak has begun. A massive Arapaho army is coming up from the south to reinforce the front lines, so Pretty Nose clearly intends to grind this one out. Indeed, victory is within her grasp.

96: TIMOR TIME (2)

Timor-Leste lands another massive win before the end of the episode, taking Minyanbal and Gulgong for the first time, while Loowee appears to have been secured after a single flip. Kahakaharoa is surrounded and in the red, and Wiradjuri’s army is in disarray. There are no two ways about it: this is catastrophic for Windradyne, and it’s difficult to see how he could ever come back.

97: That Arapaho citadel is also an oof

America has recruited the famed Barbary corsair and Ottoman admiral Murat Reis to command their Atlantic fleets. That said, on land, FDR is looking a little thin, and I would say he has probably missed the boat, so to speak, when it comes to attacking Arapaho. My advice for America now would be to focus outward and take on Atlantic civs like Greenland, Mali, Ireland, and Brandenburg.

98: Another one bites the dust

In the end, we get a fourth kill after all, as the Wiradjuri capture Waitomo at the last possible moment. Potatau te Wherowhero of the Maori is eliminated in 41st place.

The Maori went into the game with uncertain expectations, as the power rankers generally thought they would put up a fight, but were skeptical that they would be major contenders. Enthusiasm briefly spiked in the early to mid game when they founded several cities on Australia, at one point controlling as many as four mainland colonies, which convinced the power rankers to raise them to 22nd place in episodes 11 and 12. But the Maori would never return to those heights, as they failed to reinforce their settlements and lost all of them to the Wiradjuri. As the Inca gobbled up the last remaining Polynesian islands, the Maori were left trapped mostly on New Zealand with no weak neighbors and no hope of expansion. They dug their own grave even deeper when Potatau gave away one of his South Island cities to the Wiradjuri in a peace treaty. After that, he simply waited for death, until Windradyne eventually brought it.

99: I really like sand, actually

Finally, we end the episode with Timor-Leste locking down its control of Western Australia with the capture of Kahakaharoa. Maraekowhai clings on for now, but it’s practically surrounded, and only a well-timed peace treaty could forestall its loss. That means that Timor-Leste will end the episode having taken five Wiradjuri cities, most of them major, without showing any sign of slowing down. We power rankers will certainly have fun this week deciding whether Turkey should retain the top spot or if Timor-Leste should get it back.

Of course, the war is not yet over, nor are the Yugoslavia-Brandenburg war or the Arapaho invasion of the Cree, so to learn how those wars turn out, tune in again next week! I hope you enjoyed this action-packed episode, and I’ll see you around!

–Admiral Cloudberg

Episode 28: The Wheat and the Chaff – S3

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