Episode 31: Race to The Apocalypse

1: Fresh Episode, Fresh Meat

Howdy, people of the sub! I am your host this week, goatbaby, the last Gokturk fan in existence, and I welcome you to episode thirty-one of Civ Battle Royale Season Three! This is my first time narrating, and I am also very new to the community in general, only finding CBR on the last episode of season two. But please, have faith in me, dear reader, viewer, or listener, as I take you on a blood soaked, atom-splitting roller coaster of an Episode. So, with the pleasantries over and done with, let's get right into this week’s episode of mass slaughter for the entertainment of people sitting at their computers!

2: Before You Start, Have You Done Your Homework?

Before we begin, I would like to recommend ECH’s CBR schoolhouse. This week's lesson is on Kilwa, who are much more interesting in OTL than the cylinder’s. Reality is stranger than fiction. From the impossible-to-not-know-about Americans to the near mythical Pandyans, ECH goes out of his way to find a good, factual video for each civ, no matter how obscure. A true historian, he is.

3: Oppenhiemer Didn’t Know Bombs Kill People, But Now You Can!

Here we have an excerpt of Reddit user nathanmasse’s History of Atomic Theory and Nuclear Weapons in The Cylinder. It is a very interesting read, and the perfect thing to whet your appetite for the events of today’s episode. I just love hearing different people’s takes on the lore of the cylinder. The CBR is as much a worldbuilding project as it is a game!

4: Hope You Know We Love You, Sweet Patron

This episode of CBRX3 is brought to you by fabulously generous and wealthy Ko-Fi supporters. There are a lot of moving parts in the CBR, but the patrons are one of the most important. Thank you.

5: Reverse Manifest Destiny

The top three gets a surprising new member this week in Pretty Nose! After being shoved back up the rankings due to her utter dismemberment of the Cree, she takes the bronze in this week’s PR after taking the fight to the biggest enemy of her nation and all other nations of North America, the United States. The burgundy tide slams against the Americans’ coastal cities with the aim of pushing them right out into the sea. And to think we all thought she had checked out several episodes ago. She must have heard all that shittalk, because she’s going straight for FDR’s jugular. Best of luck to you, Pretty Nose.

6: God Sort of Shed His Grace on Thee

We open this week’s episode in Cuscowilla, which has just recently flipped back to the Americans. They have re-secured the entirety of Florida, at least for now, as the Arapaho have fallen back to Apopka, but there is certainly more flipping to come. Washington is still in the red, though it is garrisoned with infantry, armor, and two great generals, as well as being protected by the mountains. America may not have all of their geographic perfection to benefit from, but for now, the Appalachians are enough.

7: Timor Sul

Since the last time we saw them, the Timorese have completely pushed the Wiradjuri out of their land and have even made landfall on South Island, chopping the remnant ‘Juri polity in half. Windradyne, who would rather not have all of his people live under the Timorese yoke, sues for peace.

In a somber address to his people in the new capital of Ngaruawahia, Warlord Windradyne informs them of his surrender, a Maori aide translating at his side. Before walking off, he turns west, towards Australia.

“Brothers! sisters!” He calls, “We will return!”

The Aborigines in the crowd erupt in raucous applause. The Maori roll their eyes. Will Windradyne be able to back up his words? No, but he can certainly try.

08: Red Sun Rising

Here we have another look at Xanana’s recent gains. Well, they really did it. From the Coral Sea to the Pandyan (Indian) Ocean, Australia flies the red and gold. Not everyone is accepting of their new rulers though, and many cities, some still in the red, are wracked with unrest. On the homefront, however, the Timorese celebrate their new conquests, further adding to the strong nationalist fervor of this island empire, and honestly, it’s completely justified. 61st to the top three is nothing to sneeze at, and for now the only way for Timor Leste is up.

09: Rocket Artillery Funk

Our first look at the Black Sea area and Kyiv is in the red! Turkish tanks and artillery stream into Rus’ from the southeast, having completely deleted the southern wing of Olga’s military. Refugees abandon the countryside in droves and head for Kyiv proper with the Turks hot on their heels. In one of these refugee trains is The Notorious B.I.G. Biggie rose to prominence in Rus’ rapping about the meagre, hardship-filled, often grim lives of the nation’s peasantry, and the criminality and banditry many turned to in order to get by. In these refugee trains, guided along by tired looking peacekeepers from Brandenburg, there is enough hardship and misery for him to write ten albums.

The situation for Kyiv as a whole looks very miserable. Rus’ riflemen and cuirassiers are no match for the Turks hyper-modern mobile army. Even the Brandenburger peacekeepers are hopelessly outdated in comparison. Oh well, at least the peasantry will get to actually live like it’s the 21st century. The ones that survive the rocket rain, anyway.

10: Did You Remember This War Was Happening? I Didn’t!

Turning our attention to Africa, we see that the Chad-Angola war is actually heating up, and not very surprisingly, it is not going well for Chad. Abeche and N’Djamena have been capped by Angola, and they continue to slug it out outside of the cities in the sweltering July heat. The Chadian military is hopelessly outdated, and probably outnumbered too. Hell, they’re still using ulhan and Angola has anti-aircraft guns. We’ll see if they can pull something to at least halt the Angolan advance. The Chadian “Empire” is starting to feel much, much smaller.

Side Note: Are those Kayapo infantry just hanging out in Norman North Africa? Shouldn’t you guys be, like, fighting the Chileans? Or at least be in your home continent?

11: Baltimore Dummies

Things are looking grim for the Gaels, as the Anglo-Dutch grab Galway from their grasp. Now relegated to Baltimore, Eireann might be our second elimination of the day. They do have a fenian and cuirassier right by Galway, so they could flip, and they would at least go down fighting. But no matter what they do, the fate of the Gael is sealed. And to the Anglo-Dutch no less. That really stings.

Through all of this fighting, an American explorer makes his way through the battle-scarred highlands in search of the lost city of Baltimore. In the several centuries since the fall of the isolated American exclave, it was over time relegated to the realm of myth, used by Dear Leader Roosevelt to further indoctrinate the American public. The myth tells of a brave group of settlers wishing to carry out manifest destiny to the ends of the earth, founding a city tucked away in the coldest, most desolate regions of the Celtic highlands. Building the city up, carving out a life in the unforgiving north, making contact with other strange and exotic peoples, only to have their attempts at bringing the gift of American fascist democracy and civilization to the world repaid by being slaughtered by a tribe of red maned barbarians. But looking through his telescope now, the explorer realizes that Baltimore was no myth. He hastily shoves his maps and compass into his bag and scrambles down the hillside toward the city, hoping to reach it before Anglo-Dutch flame does.

12: The Kayapo Blitz

An absolutely ruthless bombing campaign by the Kayapo leaves all of Allende’s southern cities in the red or black. The air force having achieved its goal, the army now slowly trickles down towards the front in typical Kayapo fashion.

In the city of Maipo in the Tierra Del Fuego peninsula, shell shocked citizens and Workers Volunteer Rifle Battalions walk about the city. Atop his jeep, a Chilean officer and his entourage of soldiers, some of the only professional soldiers in all of Tierra Del Fuego, violently seizing any fighting age individuals and pressing them into service in the Worker’s Volunteer Rifle Battalions. A young woman, Catalina, having volunteered to take her younger brother’s place, has a rifle fit for a museum shoved into her hands. The soldiers shove the “volunteers” into line, and then the officer orders them to march. The woman looks back at her brother, his dark eyes concealing any strong emotion he may be feeling. They just need to beat the Kayapo once, and then she can come back for him. The officer barks an order to march faster, and they do, through the cold Del Fuegan highlands and onto Valdivia.

13: It’s Olga…

And just like that, two Turkish tank battalions take Kyiv. A lancer, two settlers and a great musician, presumably Biggie, cross the border, living to fight another day. Good luck to them with finding somewhere new to settle, unless they want to loiter around until someone razes a city maybe.

The Rus’ didn’t really do or achieve anything really crazy this season, playing a mostly defensive game, albeit an impressive one. They fended off and even outlasted their eastern rival Vladimir, they didn’t lose a single city to the Lithuanians to the north, and they denied the Turks for a bop until they got hopelessly out-teched. As time went on, they stagnated in the tech department and ended up getting rumped. At least the humiliation of rumpdom is over now, which is something Olga simply cannot suffer.

If we take a second to look at the European states, we can really see a considerable gap in techs between all of them. The bulk of the Lithuanian armed forces are made up of great war era infantry with some landships, while the Brandenburgers are a little more ahead with modern era infantry, not to mention that absurd naval carpet. Meanwhile, Yugo is still using line infantry while also bordering the Turkic horde of mechanical monstrosities. Europe is quite interesting this season, which for me at least is one of the least interesting areas of the cylinder, so this is a nice change of pace.

14: The Purple Curtain

The jungles and valleys of south China are alive with the movement of legions of Kokangese Kakweye. The military presence on Yang’s side of the Han-Kok border is much larger than Wu’s, though the Han military is markedly more advanced, having been converted to almost exclusively mechanized cavalry and artillery. It seems that the Han have really taken the ideals of their horde form of government to heart, as there is barely any infantry to be seen. These radically different armies engage in a staring contest from the mountains to the yellow sea, and the tension is palpable.

Meanwhile, in the city of Longbian, Han great musician Jay Z performs for a sold out audience wishing for a distraction from the veritable cold war being waged between the two premier mainland East Asian powers. Up until recently, many border cities had been under martial law, and the nomadic Han citizenry was forced behind city walls. Despite Warlord Wu’s best efforts to keep the people under control, paranoia runs rampant, and even through Jay Z’s masterful flow, the worry of war gnaws away at the audience. Everyone knows that it is only a matter of time before Yang tries to grab up a few more cities or Wu goes to get his lick back.

15: Flip Flap Flop

Arapaho armor has succeeded in taking Holsteinsborg, and the nearby city of Windsor is in the red. It seems ready to flip back soon though, as two groups of American units prepare to converge on the city in a pincer attack, and will likely be too much for that single Arapaho tank battalion to hold out against. FDR is going on the offensive in the air as well, using his shiny new B-52’s to conduct air raids on Heneeceen-okoy and Philadelphia, bringing both into the yellow. This war is getting more and more meat grindery with every passing turn, and neither Frankie nor Pretty Nose show any desire to let up. I am fairly certain it will end with a conclusive victory for one side, but for now, get ready for more flipping than a gymnastics tournament.

16: Irrelevant Intrigue

Here we have the Mojave core, where one of the Sub’s spies, Semiramis, is dispatched. According to one of her recent reports, Irataba and the Mojave secret service are currently hard at work plotting against… Tetouan. Why, you may ask? That is a great question. Maybe he wants to utilize it as a jumping off point for imperial efforts in Europe or Africa, not wanting the fascist Americans to be the only power from the Americas with their fingers in Europe. Or, maybe he’s just bored, as things have been rather quiet for the Mojave as of late. We’ll have to wait to see what Irataba has in store for Teto, or if he even follows through with it at all.

The Mojave also now has a considerable amount of helicopter gunships, the most we have seen any civ have thus far. We can also spot several lonely itinerant units from long-vanquished civs. On the border with the Cree, a Vermontese composite bowman wanders about. His surroundings are something out of a dream, exotic cultures wielding technology that seems like magic. On the Pacific coast, a Kwak Hamatsa dancer stares forlornly out into the ocean. These two probably haven’t met, and they may not even know the other exists, but they are more connected than they could ever think.

17: Virgin Chad, Chad Angola

The Chad-Angola war rages on, and something I didn’t realize was that the captured city of N’Djamena was Chad’s capital! Deby safely fled before it fell and is now resuming his duties as Chad’s commander-in-chief from Gempaaten. Angola has commenced the attack on the next two Chadian cities of Mondou and Masaka. The infantry spearheading this effort is being given a decently hard time by Chadian riflemen and their mass amounts of artillery. Still, Savimbi has a much larger pool of units to draw from over a much more expansive empire, and from what I can see, the Chadian exclave in the Sahara has fallen as well. What happened, Chad? They seem relatively large and powerful at a glance, but this conflict goes to show how small and underpowered they are. Maybe ‘cause they no longer have Akhenaten to bully? It seems that thanks to Chad’s incompetence, the Angolan and Turkish empires may soon share a border.

18: Turkey of The Future

Speaking of Turkey, they have reached the Mobile Tactics tech, and are now in possession of at least two communications arrays. Turkey continues to rocket forward in technology as well as military, as they are now rocking modern tanks. Turkey is completely dominant in Europe and MENA, and as of right now, seemingly very few civs would be able to really stand up to them. Yemen and the Brandenburgers would certainly give them a hard time, but war with the mechanized Turk would still be an absolute nightmare for them.

19: Timor Oeste

Angolan infantry and Timorese colonial troops eye each other across the South African savanna. Now that the Timorese have finished beating the snot out of the ‘Juri, at least for now, Savimbi should start getting worried. Timor still has the Zulu for a chew toy for now, but Angola bordering a top three power, being close to another in Turkey, and having to deal with hostile Chad is not good for our green African civ. Africa has been rather lackluster this mark, and it would be very sad to see one of it’s highest performing native contenders die.They’ll really need to lock in in the tech department if they want to last long.

20: Fredrick William’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Here, in all their glory, are the Northern and Arctic flotillas of Brandenburg’s massive navy. Brandenburg is usually a land-based military civ, so this is rather uncharacteristic of them. Still, good for Fred though. I would congratulate him more if he actually put it to use. His incredibly bored sailors would agree. Fortunately for the ones stationed in Frankfurt, they at least get to listen to the blues ballads and funky psychedelic rock of Jimi Hendrix. This is your sign! Edge’s Greenland is right there, right there, Fred! Ripe for the taking! Literally tell your sailors to just drive through Hans’ garbage patch of a navy and they will win. It may not be a whole lot, but it could give you access to the Americas, and that's a good jumping off point. You could really change your lot in life here, Fred. Will you do it? Or will you wait around to be crushed into dust?

21: Bordergore Galore

What an ugly part of the world this is. Rumps, bordergore, city-state exclaves, Brandenburgers undeservingly marching through Yugoslavian lands, and the absolute black hole of nothing that is the Norman nation. Guiscard and Isabella continue their war, though continue might not be the right term here. A Norman artillery unit, having been given a boo-boo by a Casitilian musketman, retreats across the Mediterranean. That is all there is to report on this war, and unless Guiscard actually mobilizes his army, that’s all there will be for quite a while.

Meanwhile, the Anglo-Dutch, getting bored with Ireland and ready for more colonizing, sets their sights on Cetshwayo’s Zulu. If Willy really wanted to, he could set up a small force and probably take it, but Ulundi's a long way off, and he would have to get there before the ever-hungry Timorese try to crack Cetshwayo’s final stronghold.

22: Collins’ Last Stand.

Things are all but lost for the Irish now, and they know it but they’re still going to try to take as many Anglo-Dutch pigs down with them as they can. Irish cavalry bravely charge Anglo-Dutch landships as the remaining Fenian garrison of Baltimore prepares for their final fight. Gaelic hatred of the orange nation runs deep, and every able-bodied Irishman and woman have trained with a rifle and sheleighleigh for this very moment. I’ve said this before, but the Irish getting knocked out by the Anglo-Dutch is just brutal. Fight hard, Collins, you have nothing left to lose. Show them that.

23: Beng-all Quiet On The Western Front

Taking a look at sleepy Bengal’s core shows that it is indeed still sleepy. It’s a shame that Afghanistan gobbled up Pandya before they could, because that probably would have made M.K a bigger contender. He seems to have enough troops to make a move on Afghanistan if he wanted to. The Afghan presence in middle India is rather sparse, so he could lighting strike Korkai and cut off South India and the SEA cities from the rest of the Afghan empire, but then the question would be whether or not he could hold them off in the north and continue to push south. If he produced more troops he could certainly pull it off then. Afghanistan has had it good for too long, slap ‘em around a little bit, Khan! Still, he’s probably content to just chill and enjoy mishti and the latest art by Banksy. I am sure he is making the same vague, non-statement art in the cylinder as he is in OTL.

24: Many Islands, Many Nations

For being home to one of the most powerful and aggressive civs in the cylinder, Southeast Asia still remains quite diverse. Timor is still it’s undisputed hegemon, of course. Indonesia’s fall from grace is very apparent in this slide, as you can see that they own only one native Indonesian city and it’s not even their capital. Only out-teching the renaissance faire of a nation that is Cambodia, and allowing a far-flung Swahili privateering fleet to reave across the islands. In an attempt to show strength toward his people, he declares war on the Zulu, which seems to be an emerging trend. Will they become the cylinder’s next scapegoat? For now, the South Asian powers have the local punching bag of Indonesia, and that seems to be enough for them.

25: Maipimmolation

New orders have come in from Chilean high command. Maipo, which has recently been captured by the green menace, is due for recapture. In even more grim news, the Kayapo have started razing the city. Catalina’s face goes white. Her dear hermanito was now at the mercy of the Kayapo, who notoriously lacked it. For the first time, she feels hate, not fear towards the green marauders. Anger flares up in the battalion, as they march for Maipo, a newfound rage burning in their hearts.

On a much lighter note, the Cetshwayo hate train gets another passenger in Ibn al-Hassan. Compared to the other nations who have declared on Zulu, they are much closer, and thus pose an actual threat. That's right, Kilwa might do something! A potential kill for Kilwa! How lucky I am to be narrating this episode!

26: Here’s How Kilwa Can Still Win

Things seem to be heating up as a Zulu Ibutho takes damage from… something. There don’t seem to be any Swahili units around, and Timor doesn’t seem to be at war with them. If they did declare, they would most likely take the kill from Kilwa, quickly brushing aside the Zulu with their hyper-advanced modern military. Kilwa would likely have to put their back into it a little more, having to hack through the Zulu army with their outdated riflemen. It certainly wouldn’t save Al-Hassan’s game, but it would give a civ that has been memed to hell some actual clout.

27: TURAAAAaaaaaan…

Looking in on old Bumin’s empire, it's… not looking good. At all. And this is coming from a die hard Gokturk fan. They’re still using line infantry, not even Great War infantry. They could take out North Korea if they wanted to, but they have really got to get it together with their science. Maybe Guglielmo Marconi could be of help. In OTL, he was made famous for his creation of a practical radio-wave based wireless telegraph system. Anything would help at this point. You’re the great-great grandfather of the strongest civ in the cylinder, Gokturks, start acting like it!

28: American Stalemate

Neither side in the American-Arapaho war has made any particularly big moves since we last checked in. It seems that the Americans are about to flip Apopka again with the help of their freshly trained paratroopers. Washington is now in the red as opposed to the black, so things are sort of looking up for the Americans. Judging by the large army of Arapaho infantry and armor amassing around Tecenoo, that advantage may not last.

29: The Iriba Line

The dry saharan wind blows on the Chadian officer as he looks up and down the fortified line of infantry, cavalry, artillery and armor, called the Iriba Line by Commander-in-Chief Deby. Looking forward across the flat, dry plain, there are no Angolan devils to be seen. They may have lost Mondou, Masaka, and Kelo, but they gave the Angolans hell for them, and that combined with the Iriba line has made them stop in their tracks, at least for now. Next, Deby had said, they would retake their stolen cities and take the fight to Angola. After trouncing Savimbi, they would turn their attention to the Normans or Uganda, eventually unitng all of Africa under the orange and blue. Everyone in Deby’s command knew that his lofty ideals of Chadian imperialism were delusions, but they also knew better than to go against him. During his bizarre “Anti-Car Aktion” campaign, many in the Chadian government lost not only their cars but their heads. So, they did what they did best, kept their heads down, grin and bear it. They’ve been doing it before this war, during it, and they’ll be doing it after too. It’s what keeps the nation of Chad moving.

30: Every Single Day, Every Time I Pray,

With the capture of Kyiv and the annihilation of the remainder of her military, Queen Olga formally surrenders to Ataturk. A day later, she is nowhere to be seen. Rather than stay in the Turkish empire as an eternal political prisoner, she has decided to escape, and is headed west toward the Atlantic Ocean, where a strange, Middle Eastern man said he would meet her, and take her to a place called “The Sub,” somewhere past the glaciers at the end of the earth. Hitching a ride with a group of itinerant Hamatsa Dancers, she has their sympathies as people who no longer have a nation. Crossing the border into Yugoslavia, they are now out of Turkish hands, but that doesn’t make Olga feel any better. She regrets that she could not make her people feared like she promised them, conquerors like she promised them, she couldn’t even protect them, and she had nothing to blame but herself and how apathetic she had become. Holding back tears for the first time since she was a little girl, she gave one last regal look over her beloved Rus, turned around and vanished into the Balkans.

31: Where Empires Meet

Central Asia has become the stage of an arms race between the great powers of Eurasia. Tuva is catching up in tech, trading in their line infantryman for atomic era infantry and machine guns, making them about on par with Afghanistan. Now they just need to put that incredible production to use and build more troops and they’ll be golden. Afghanistan seems to be less worried about their military and more worried about modernizing their country’s architecture, hitting up the father of modern architecture himself, Le Corbusier. The Turks have two tanks defending the entirety of their eastern frontier, and if you went off this slide alone, Han would seemingly be the most dominant power. It’s a very close race here in Central Asia, and the power that wins here has the potential to win it all.

Chad and Angola have made peace, just when Chad was seeming to get itself together. They were the blatant losers of this war, but at least they lived to fight another day, and that is reason enough for Deby to celebrate. They will have the comeback of the century, and Deby’s dreams of the Chadian infinite empire will come true! Not.

32: That's Just The Way It Is

We now take a long overdue visit to the Incan core, where things are looking solidly alright. Most of Tupac’s military power is concentrated in his navy, but he possesses an impressive land army for South America. Tupac’s army and navy is good, and their science is amazing, they just need to put it to use. He needs to do something to become more relevant, because Tupac’s main problem is he should outshine his neighbors the Kayapo in every way, but he just doesn’t. He even has a higher population. To the north, the formerly backwards Muisca are building up their techs and army, but the Incans could still slap them around. You have the resources to make the Incan sun shine brighter, Tupac, so get to it!

33: Apopka Overrun

To the surprise of now one, Apopka is once again in the hands of the Americans. Arapaho movement in the north has ground to a halt, while Pretty Nose’s army group south slowly moves toward the front from Tecenoo. The Arapaho navy floats around the Gulf of Mexico, having done very little so far. It doesn’t seem that Pretty Nose has fully committed herself to this war, and she is suffering for it. Her cities seem heavily guarded enough to be safe from the Americans for now, but she’ll need to be a little bit more lively with it given how much of a fight FDR’s fascists are putting up. She could finish this if she wanted to.

34: Slan Go Deo

Finally, the guns of Baltimore fall silent. Anglo-Dutch officials stroll into the city to smugly accept Collins’ surrender. Orange infantry lead surrendering Fenians away as others sweep the ruined, ancient American architecture for any remaining resistance. Through it all, Collins can barely contain his rage. The injustices suffered by his people at the hands of the Anglo-Dutch has only just begun.

I was really rooting for Ireland going into the royale, but besides a few small victories against the Americans and Anglo-Dutch, Collins was a total jobber. He let Greenland, the Brandenburgers and even Mali occupy the home isles, and then sent legions of his men to die in the Oviedo flip fest instead of booting out Musa or Egde. He had little success with much else, and only slid lower and lower down the rankings as the episodes went on, ending up with Baltimore as their final city. The dream of a united Ireland, or even an independent Ireland, is now dead.

35: William Ascendent

Here we have a look at the core of the victorious Anglo-Dutch. They are doing quite well for a civ ranked second from last in episode zero. Their army is fairly modern, which cannot be said for their southern neighbors, so that’s definitely something. And with their new holdings in the Irish Isles, who knows where they’ll go. Will the Anglo-Dutch become as dominant as they are in OTL? Stay tuned to find out.

36: Green and Mean

And here are the lands of our other victorious power, the Angolans. They are quite large for a civ we have seen so little of, and they have only gotten larger with those five new Chadian cities under their belt. With this northern advance, they could maybe go for the Normans next, who are about on par with Chad. Angola has a good population and a strong looking navy too. Their army is lacking in armor, but still good compared to their neighbors barring Mali and Timor. It seems that Savimbi may be making moves on the open ocean next, hiring admiral and mathematician Grace Hopper to oversee his naval forces. Whatever it is you're doing, Savimbi, I wish you luck.

37: Atom-Splitting Afghans

A massive bang rings through a dry, seemingly deserted valley in central Afghanistan . A gigantic mushroom cloud rises in the distance, its light reflecting off of the glasses of the Afghan senior researcher. He looks to his fellow scientist, and a nervous, wincing smile begins to come across her face.

“By Allah,we’ve finished it.” He whispers, watching the cloud slowly dissipate.

That's right, Afghanistan has finished the Manhattan Project! This will give them a huge leg up in the Central Asian great game. The two muslim powers,Turkey and Afghanistan are now both nuclear armed, leaving the Asian powers, Tuva and Han, at a considerable disadvantage. The nuclear arms race may be what finally sparks war in this land where empires meet.

38: Deby’s Doomsday Device

Several weeks after their peace deal with Angola, a man approached one of Idriss Deby’s subordinates. After hearing what this shadowy individual had to say, they immediately scheduled him for an appointment with their leader. Not long after, this man, a former Turkish nuclear scientist, walked away with several literal truckloads of Chadian gold reserves. And now, President Deby stood before his subordinates, cabinet members, and generals, about to make one of the most important speeches of his career.

“My friends,” he begins, “we have been humiliated by our deceitful and cruel neighbors, and this time they have gone a step too far!” Orchestral music provided by Howard Shore, the composer of the Lord of The Rings soundtrack in OTL, swells in the background.

“Now, our enemies will think twice before they come for us, for glorious Chad now wields the POWER OF THE SUN!”

Chad has completed the Manhattan Project.

39: By The Skin of His Teeth

The Kayapo continue their thrashing of Allende, bombing all but one Chilean city into the black. They seem to have Rancagua and Tupiza completely locked down, but Valdivia and Maipo seem to be somewhat contested. As seen on the last slide, Raoni had taken Valdivia, before having it flipped back by the Chileans, which is honestly impressive. I was not expecting them to be able to flip any cities back. Granted, the Kayapo will quickly flip it back most likely, but now we know that Chile is willing to put up a fight, or at least go down swinging.

40: Xananuclear Deterrent

Windradyne’s chances of taking back his stolen land seem to grow ever smaller, as the Timorese now have three nuclear bombs stationed in an airbase in Wahluu. The fact that the ‘Juri might get the remnants of their nation nuked to hell from their stolen home continent is incredibly harsh. If Windradyne knows of this, I’m certain he is fuming.

41: Pretty Nose Blows It

Apopka, which was captured by the Arapaho offscreen, flips to the Americans once again. Pretty Nose totally blew it with Army Group South, letting her veteran infantry be blended up to take Apopka, which is now little more than a pile or gore-stained rubble, and then promptly lost it. In the north, the Americans also win back Chicago, which was solidly Arapaho at the onset of this war. The Americans seem to be on the offensive now, sending several tank battalions against Heet-Ko’Einoo and taking a dink of health off Wox Noho’Kuhnee-t. What the hell is Pretty Nose doing? I want her to win this war, I want her to prove all of that shit talk wrong, but it seems she may be falling back into her old ways.

42: The Cactus and The Poppy

The Mohave and Kokang come to blows in the pacific. The Mojave fleet has surrounded a smaller Kokangese flotilla and is in the process of destroying it. Olive Yang seems to have a better navy, but she needs to mobilize it and get it through that chokepoint of Formosa-Luzon to punish the insolent Mohave navy. This could be a big moment for Yang, taking even a few island cities in the south pacific off of the third most powerful civ would rocket her up the rankings. She needs to act fast though, as the Mohave have already brought Kaifeng to the black, and if Irataba can mobilize even some of his advanced military, our heroin heroine won't be able to employ her lighting strike then take a few cities strategy, and it would be over before it even started. I’m rooting for you though, Yang.

43: Horde is Out, Empire is In

It’s time for everyone’s favorite part of the episode, government go-around! There have been many changes of governing since we last checked in, so we have a lot to discuss. Many of its former practitioners have abandoned the nomadic horde form of government, and now imperial dynasties and monarchies seem to be the move. Both the Wiradjuri and the Han have abandoned their nomadic way of life in favor of imperial dynasties. I don’t know if you could call the Wiradjuri an empire anymore, though.

The former communist civs, Turkey and the Anglo-Dutch, have forsaken their old ways and are now embracing capitalism, opting for the merchants guild form of government. North Korea is fittingly a military dictatorship, as brutal military repression is the only way Kim Il-Sung can now keep his people free from influences of the outside world.

44: Kings of No One

It seems that military dictatorships are becoming a trend with city-states, as Sayyida Al-Hura now leads Tetouan as it’s undisputed dictator. To be fair, this seems like one of the only viable ways to stay in power as the leader of a moribund, single-city civ. Chad is also a dictatorship, but it seems that Deby has abandoned his ant-car crusade to deal with more pressing matters. The rest of the governments here are monarchies in exile, a who’s who, if you will, of leaders passed on.

45: The Kings and The Warlord

The bulk of the cylinder’s civs, big and small, are bourgeoisie-ruled monarchies. Strange how the governmental progression sort of went the opposite way of our timeline’s. The cylinder went from near world communism to Bourgeois monarchy. The cylinder works in mysterious ways. The only non-monarchy here is the Chilean People’s horde. A strange trend I have noticed is civs adopting the horde government when on their deathbed. The Irish did the same thing. Maybe the nomadic form of living helps a civs people prepare for a life moving through other nations?

46: Princes, Commoners, and Republicans

Here we have the Principality camp of the cylinder. Tuva, formerly a military dictatorship if my memory serves me right, is now a principality. I wonder if Tuvans had more rights under dictator Kuular or prince Kuular. Timor–Leste is a republic under Populist President Xanana Gusmao. Gusmao is very much a Teddy Roosevelt figure, a democracy-loving republican at home, and a staunch imperialist abroad.

47: The Republican International Convention

Now for the republics of the cylinder. The Angolans and Poundmaker’s Nuclear Republic of The North are the most relevant, both of which are populist-run. Michael Collins has changed his form of government-in-exile to a republic. The main Gaelic resistance group in the Anglo-Dutch occupied Irish Isles petitioned him to do so because they thought Irish Republican Army sounded better than Irish Itinerant Army

48: The President, The Priest, and The Fascist

We see two new forms of government on this slide, a theocracy and a one-party dictatorship. Arwa must have been swayed by Ethan Allen’s xenophobia and Yemeni nationalism on her behalf, and has made Yemen a one-party fascist state. She and FDR should link up. Our other new form of government is a Theocracy under Raoni Metuktire, which I imagine is run by a techno-priesthood. The Kayapo Amazon megacities would be one hell of a place to visit.

49: Old Man Bumin

Taking a look at the core of my beloved Gokturks, we can see the cobbled together mess that is their army. Anti-aircraft guns blast away alongside ulhans, and it seems that the Gokturks have gone back to their roots, as there is a five to one ratio between cavalry and infantry. To whip this army into shape, Bumin has hired great general Opechancanough, a Native American paramount chief famous in our timeline as the leader of the Powhatan confederacy who captured John Smith, who was supposedly saved by Opechancanough’s daughter, Pocahontas. The frozen tundra and flat steppe is not at all what he is used to fighting in, but he must make do with what he is given, even if that means leading cavalry charges against mobile SAMs.

Also, man, Tuva is citaling the shit out of the Gokturks. That’s no way to treat your granddaddy, Donduk!

50: Mecha-Mohave

The Mohave are now in possession of battlemechs. They were the first in flight, and now they are first in slaughtering their enemies with giant walking death machines.The Mohave are first in many technologies, but they rarely use it to gain a further advantage. Maybe the war with Kokang will finally be their chance to do so.

To the east, we can see that the Arapaho have retaken Apopka and are advancing on Cuscowilla. Pretty Nose could use those carriers to bomb it into the black and give her infantrymen an easier time of it, but we both know she’s not going to do that, is she?

51: Money Makes The Cylinder Go Round

The Kayapo have finished construction of the Shanghai World Financial center in Kremoro. This wonder gives you 1500 gold, two culture, and two merchants straight up upon completion. Not a crazy good wonder, but free gold and culture is nothing to complain about. Look at Kremoro's population, though. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a city with a population that high, at least in this stage of the game.

52: Are You Serious Right Now, Pretty Nose

Aaaand, just like that Apopka falls back into American hands. Not only that, but Heet-Ko’Einoo has been brought down into the black by American paratroopers and armor. Pretty Nose could potentially lose a 29 pop city to a civ that has been a living joke up until recently. You’re gonna make me pick up smoking, Pretty Nose.

53: KILWA SWEEP!!! KILWA SWEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S HAPPENING! IT’S REALLY HAPPENING! KILWA IS DOING SOMETHING! The Swahili navy bombards the Zulu coast, finishing off the one Ibutho and then killing another, leaving the Cetshwayo with more generals than soldiers. Now all they need to do is get some land units over here and Kilwa will have its first kill! A cavalry unit and a maxim gun seem to be meandering their way over to mainland Africa. Just a few more reinforcing units, Ibn, and you’re golden. The Swahli army can have their dinner in Ulundi.

54: Ultranationalism For Dummies

Ethan Allen, outspoken critic of foreign immigration to Yemen, has finished his book on xenophobic ultranationalism which has become a bestseller in the country. Arwa al-Sulayhi has taken to using it as a sort of handbook as she sets up her new ultranationalist one party state. In order to not alarm her neighboring civs too much, she changes the name of her National Fascist Party to the National Popular Alignment. She is still unapologetic in her ultranationalist beliefs, but according to Allen, this change will hopefully bring her enemies guard down before Yemen strikes. Why she is taking such advice from a man with no nation is beyond me, though.

55: Exhaustive Efforts

Against all odds, the Kokangese city of Kaifeng has held against the Mohave naval assault, and the Kokangese are now taking the fight to the Mohave, who are currently in a dark age. Even so, this attack doesn’t seem very well thought out, as infantrymen charge Mohave battlemechs. With that single Kokangese infantryman gone, Kaifeng is now defenseless, aside from an embarked Kakweye not too far away. Still, that probably won’t be enough to hold against Irataba’s death machines.

56: Trouble On The Homefront

In the Mohave core, the effects of the civ’s dark age have become very apparent. Two rebel anti-tank gunners take up position in the foothills of the mountains outside the Mohave capital. Even with his advanced army and top three spot, this is not a good look for Irataba. If he wins the war against the Kokangese that could hopefully remedy it, but if it is instead long-lasting chronic unhappiness that the United States went through for several episodes, this could be very detrimental.

57: Red Down Under

The Timorese have now completely solidified their holding on Australia. The rebellions in the eastern cities have been quashed, and the main Timorese army has filed out. Having all of Australia under their thumb has most likely put them back into the number one spot. And while I really liked the Wiradjuri, I have to admit that Australia looks much better in Timor red.

58: The Phony War

The Norman-Castillian war drags on with neither side making a move. Honestly, they might be at peace now, but we can’t be sure.The Norman destroyer fleet definitely looks like it could crush Castille, but they’d have to funnel through the already crowded Strait of Gibraltar to even get there.

In other news, Yugoslavia and Lithuania have declared war on Tetouan. The former might actually be a threat to Sayyida if the Yugos can find some way across the water. If Tito can figure something out, we might have this episode’s elimination number three.

59: Back In Black

The Chileans have recaptured the island city of Jujuy, but it still remains in the black. All of Chile’s cities remain in the red or black, save for the capital. Outside of newly liberated Jujuy, embarked Chilean line infantry and a Kayapo anti-aircraft gun stare each other down from across the water. Valdivia still holds, but Raoni has dispatched his first unit of special forces to flip it. Special forces have a bonus against gun infantry, which makes up the bulk of Allende’s army, so they could potentially clean up several cities on their own.

60: Heat of The Western Sun

Ever since their humiliation at the hands of Kokang, the Han empire has searched for ways to ensure victory against them in the future. Han scientists have heard rumblings from the west about a weapon so destructive that the governments in possession fear it and refuse to even use it. Hearing this, Wu ordered his scientists to immediately conduct research. Now, after months of research and many more of testing, Wu has now harnessed the power of the atom. This makes the Han the first mainland East Asian civ to have completed the Manhattan Project. Kokang, Tuva, and the Gokturks should be worried.

61: The American Offensive

What are you even doing anymore, Pretty Nose? The Americans hold Chicago and Apopka and are completing their encirclement of Heet-Ko’Einoo. Even with modern armor now on the field, the Arapaho can’t seem to make any gains. They can’t even hold anything.

62: Pretty Nose!!!

The Americans have captured Xonouu’oo, the first Arapaho city to fall in this war.I don’t even want to begin to imagine all the horrible war crimes being committed against its citizenry. This war has progressively become more and more embarrassing for the Arapaho. This northern area of the American empire only has a skeleton force of armor in it, and Holstiensborg looks very lightly defended and relatively easy to take but Pretty Nose is still somehow losing ground. Xonouu’oo’ will most likely flip back within a few turns, but this is still an abysmal performance. They absolutely brutalized the Cree just a few episodes ago, what happened.

63: March To The Pacific

The Kayapo flip Jujuy and Valdivia, probably for good this time. They have also taken Sanitago de Chile, Allende’s capital, down to the black, but the Chileans have made them pay for it, dealing heavy damage to the Kayapo’s frontline of Great War infantry and forcing them to fall back to Concepcion. The Chileans are still putting up a better fight than expected, but Kayapo’s pockets are just too deep. Buenos Aires, now a 50 pop city I may add, has Atomic Era infantry and mobile SAMs moving though it, headed to the front to replace the tired and outdated Great War infantry. We may see Allende relegated to his arctic colony of Tar Shwe Htan by the end of this episode.

64: Yang’s Folly?

On the high seas, Olive Yang orders her fleet to go on the offensive. First on the chopping block is the Mohave city of Avi Hamoka. They have brought the cramped, 35 pop island city down to the yellow, but Mohave subs and destroyers bravely attempt to push them back. This effort seems quite futile, though. Even if Yang’s smaller navy manages to take these islands, the terrifying seaborn Mohave horde could quickly descend from the Hawaiian islands and undo all of the Kokangese navy’s hard-earned progress. This war is seeming more and more of one which Yang should want nothing to do with. Taking cities from the Mohave and holding them seems like more trouble than it’s worth, and there are weaker civs she would have a much easier time taking cities from.

65: Kaifeng Capitulates

As expected, Mohave battlemechs capture the former northernmost Kokangese city. The remaining Kokangese defenders, traumatized from their encounter with the Mohave’s seemingly alien weaponry, escape by boat. Though the Mohave have little else in the way of military in the area, this still puts them worryingly close to mainland Kokang. This really isn’t a fight Yang should have picked.

A quick sidenote, the Gokturks religion of Tengrism has become very dominant in Asia despite the Gokturks themselves being less so. From Tuva in the west, the Bering Strait in the east, and Kokangese frontier to the south, the name of the Eternal Blue Sky resounds throughout Asia and beyond. I’m proud of you, Bumin, and I am sure Tengri is too.

66: The

In the strict, traditional nation of Kilwa, a great change is brewing. All throughout Ibn al-Hassan’s nation, the youth are donning black clothing and doing up their hair with grease and flamboyantly-colored dyes. Fuelled by dark inspiration stemming from the nation’s economic, technological, and societal stagnation, the young people of Kilwa have embraced the punk movement. The most famous of these Punks is one Mark E. Smith, leader of the punk/post-punk band The Fall. Will Ibn embrace this flowering new movement or will he repress it? Could punk rock be the key to a Swahili comeback?

67: Back to The Old Bad Days

Things look absolutely abysmal for the Arapaho as the Americans go fully on the offensive with virtually no military to oppose them. It seems that our Pretty Nose has gone back to her old ways of apathy and incompetence, and this time, the Arapaho people are really going to suffer for it. The Americans have held Apopka for so long the population has gone up, and Heet-Ko’Einoo seems on the verge of flipping. In more positive news for the Arapaho, up north, they seem to have retaken Xonouu’oo. Yaay.

68: In Laukkai, Where Poppies Blow

Several interesting developments have arisen in Kokang. For one, they are now in possession of nukes. Kokangese agents embedded in the Han nuclear program slipped Yang all of the info they could gather, allowing her to finish her nuclear program slightly after Wu. Her nation, still solidly carpeted with her UU, has also entered a golden age. Her people, celebrating their nation’s safety and prosperity fill the streets, engaging in a great nationalist celebration, with drugs complementary from Yang in abundance.

69: Bantu Blockade

With most of Cetshwayo’s military units cleared out, the Swahili navy settles in for a blockade. This is probably not the best idea, as the Zulu got very little sea traffic to begin with, and this allows them to build up more units and brace for the Swahili land assault, if it ever comes. It would take a while to mobilize them, but Ibn definitely has enough units to take Ulundi, he just needs to do it before another, greater power decides to. The clock is ticking, Ibn!

70: Gelecek şimdi, yaşlı adam

Here is another look at Turkey’s increasingly futuristic core. Communications arrays and other future worlds buildings now dot the nation. Their army isn’t quite as futuristic as the Mohave, and they probably won’t keep the number one spot due to Timor annexing all of Australia, but they are still doing incredibly good. In the very late game, I fully expect them to take or have already gobbled up most of Europe and MENA. Though other powers seem to be outshining them right now, I wouldn’t be surprised if they win the top spot back somehow in the power rankings after next.

71: Raoni, The Scourge of God

In one fell swoop, the Kayapo capture all remaining Chilean cities but the capital, and then promptly get to razing them. You are very lucky the cylinder doesn’t have a United Nations yet, Raoni, because this definitely constitutes several war crimes. In Chile’s bombed out capital, the remainder of the Chilean army, enraged at the news of the razing of the cities of their countrymen, prepare to go out in one final blaze of glory. As the Kayapo army marches towards the outskirts of the city, President Allende delivers what could possibly be his last speech.

“Proud people and workers of the Popular Chilean State, today of all days, we must serve justice. Justice for what has been to the land and proletariat of this nation, for if it is not served today, it never will be, and our children will forever live in regret and humiliation knowing that their fathers and mothers could not do right by them. Do you want that for your children?!”

“No!” His people cry.

“Then let us drive this menace back to their jungle!”

The people let out a great cheer and prepare for battle, ready to take as many Kayapo with them as they possibly can.

Even with this rousing speech, it seems that Chile will very likely be elimination number three for this episode. The Chileans will give it their all no doubt, but I don’t think it will be enough.

72: Barely Surviving

It seems that Allende has had a change of heart. Rather than go out fighting, he decides he wants him and his people to live to fight another day. A disappointing end to this war tbh, but at least they won’t be eliminated before RDLP.

73: Smells Like Green Spirit

And here is the victorious Kayapo core. With the nation riding off the high of their victory, great musician (or musicians) Nirvana is a very fitting cameo. It is good to see the Kayapo using their impressive science and huge population to dominate South America, but not everything is paradise in the jungles of the Amazon. A barbarian mobile SAM duels with a Kayapo one across a tributary of the Amazon river. I can’t tell if that barb came from Inca or Kayapo, but whichever it is, they seem to be the next carrier of the unhappiness plague of the Americas.

This war also gave the Kayapo the opportunity to modernize their military. Gone are the Great War infantry, which they had for a confusingly long time for such a scientifically inclined civ. Their navy has also become a force to be reckoned with making them the masters of the Atlantic Side of the South American waters.

74: OH MY GOD

The Americans have finally captured Heet-Ko’Einoo, completely pushing back the front from the Gulf of Mexico to the Great Lakes. In Georgia, now well removed from the front, The Rolling Stones perform a concert for American stormtroopers on r&r, their classic American rock acting as a sound-borne middle finger towards Arapaho high command. I can’t even with Pretty Nose anymore. I really thought that this would be an easy win for her and her nation, and their resounding victory would keep them in the top three, but Pretty Nose somehow threw this so hard that she has lost four of HER cities. I need to go smoke.

75: We’re Not So Different, Are We?

Rio De La Plata and Chile, once bitter rivals, now find themselves with more in common than they would have ever expected. Still, the two absolutely despise one another. Jose de San Martin takes a swig of wine and looks down at the newly redrawn map his subordinates have provided him with. A smile begins to form on his wrinkly old face. Laughing, he turns to the window facing west, toward Chile, and swings it open.

“Not so strong now, isn’t that right, Allende? YOU FOUR EYED FUCK!”

Chile is still doing much much better in tech and military numbers than RDLP, but after getting thrown around like a ragdoll by Raoni, I don’t think he’ll try anything soon. These two rump states will most likely just hang around until the Inca or Kayapo decide to finish them off.

76: Angola Awakens

Savimbi was taken completely off guard when he heard that Chad, who he had thought now been reduced to being completely harmless, was in fact armed with nuclear weapons. His nuclear program, which he had previously paid little mind to, became the center of his attention. After seven grueling years of calculations and testing, it was finally done, and Savimbi was there to witness the final test. Now, if the Timorese imperialists attack from the south, or if Deby goes fully crazy and rains bombs from the north, they will not only be ground down by the vicious fighting spirit of the Angolan people, but bathed in nuclear hellfire as well.

77: Blood is Thicker Than Water, But Oil is Thicker Than Blood

We now take a look at the ancient Han dynasty’s very modern core. All across Wu’s nation, legions of workers toil to keep their emperor's mechanical mobile horde in shape and ever-growing. Minds like Heron of Samagaltay, in OTL a Greek mathematician called Heron of Alexandria, works to advance the Han further in the realm of science and technology.

Juxtaposing this is their northern neighbor Tuva, still sparsely guarding their border with anti-aircraft guns as Han surface-to-air missiles, vastly outnumbering the Tuvan border guards, point at them from across the border.

The land of the Han is a land of many juxtapositions and contradictions, as Wu rules his modern, industrialized nation from his ancient gold-covered court, not having changed it much since their war with Tuva all those years ago. Citizens whose occupation is assembling tanks make small, daily sacrifices in rituals to their native deities and ancestor spirits. Though Han is still ruled under the imperial dynasty system for now, will their lighting-fast advancing society soon grow past the need for an emperor?

(Quick addendum to a previous slide: The Castilians are still at war with Normandy, and looking at the minimap, nothing has changed. In that part of the world, just because there is no fighting doesn’t mean a war isn’t on!)

78: Orange and Off-White, Beige and Red

Turning towards Europe, we see that in spite of their recent triumph and conquest of the Hibernian Isles, the Anglo-Dutch are still very much a second rate power at best. They have modern infantry, but are sorely lacking armor, with the little they do have mostly being landships. Their navy is made up of mostly wooden ships, which would be bad by itself, but the fact that there are more Brandenburger ships in the North and Baltic seas than water makes it so much worse. William has a destroyer here and there, so he can upgrade them if he gets more gold. Still, Brandenburg, who have citideled The Hague to the point of it being an exclave, could still swoop in and take the Isles for themselves with relative ease. William of Orange needs to act quickly against the Normans or maybe the city-state sisters if he wants to stay relevant, but the door is closing fast.

79: No Way, Jose

Jose’s deranged, half-drunk laughing is cut short by several rockets slamming into the city of Tucuman below. Dear God, the Kayapo have finally come for him! As he and his aides scramble around his war room, Kayapo infantry and machine gunners scale the Andean foothills, preparing to completely overrun Jose’s last city. As he watches more rockets and artillery shells hit his final stronghold, several shots ring out behind him, and his aides and two guards fall over dead. He swings around, fully expecting a unit of the dreaded and fabled Kayapo special forces. He instead met with three very exotic looking individuals, seemingly soldiers of some sort. Two large, bearded men and a short woman, armed with weapons far more advanced-looking than even that of the hated Kayapo.

“Are you Jose de San Martin?” The woman asks in a very foreign sounding accent. She was certainly not from the Americas.

“Who’s asking?” Jose peeps.

“I am Beltis.” She says, the wind from the open windows blowing her dark, wavy hair. “We’re here to bring you to the sub.” She says, leaning in and whispering just in case anyone else is left alive in the villa.

“The ‘sub’?” Asks Jose, obviously confused. “Whose sub?”

“Old man, if you keep asking questions, we’re going to leave you here and let the Kayapo do things to you.”

“Things? What things?!”

“Alright, we’re going.” Beltis says, motioning for one of the large men to grab Jose. Jose keels backward, but the man grabs him hard by the forearm, pulls him back up and begins to drag him across the room alongside the other two. He screams and thrashes about, but Jose just can’t get out of the man’s iron grip. Just before the exit, he quickly swipes up his favorite bottle of Rioplatense wine from a table, and is then dragged through the door, never to be seen by his people, the Kayapo, nor anyone ever again.

The Kayapo have done it, they have eliminated episode zero’s projected number one civ. An elimination which came out of nowhere, but a disappointing one nonetheless. From the very start, RDLP performed below expectations. They got out settled by their neighbors, and then just didn’t do much. Their stats sucked, they fell behind in tech, though they did manage to take those cities away from the far superior Inca that one time, don’t know how they pulled that out of their ass. They then followed this up by getting just violated by the Kayapo, being consigned to a single city until their death offscreen. Now they’re gone. Auf Wiedersehen, Jose.

80: Oasis in The Grasslands

After amputating those four cities off of Chad and then finishing the Manhattan project to ensure them trying to take those cities back would result in mutually assured destruction, (who’s the real Chad here?) sleepy Angola seems about ready to settle down for another nap, lulled to sleep by Oasis’s Wonderwall. Before he finishes his warm milk, though, Savimbi should invest in some more military units. Sure, it’s not like he doesn’t have an army at all, as most of his military is concentrated up north, but when there are Timorese at your southern border, you don’t want to leave things up to chance. Overall, though, Angola is looking very good. They’ve really come alive these past few episodes, and it seems that they are one of the possible African civs which will last into the late gme. The roads that Savimbi must walk to get there are winding, and all the lights that light the way are blinding, but he’s handled himself pretty well so far, so I have faith in him.

81: The FAPping Chads

This slide, whose title is a certain contender for the worst in the history of CBR, shows the Chadian Unique Unit, the FAP. This machine gun replacement moves faster through the desert and does extra damage to withdrawing enemies. If Deby goes for a consolation war against say, the Normans, a lighting war centered around these guys could be effective in making up for the territory lost against Angola.

82: The Great Withdraw

Unfortunately, Yang’s destroyers could not crack the Mohave island cities, spurring a withdrawal. They took Niitakayama in the north and Avi Hamoka to the south down to the red, but the Mohave numbers were just too much to compete with. On land, things are going slightly better, with Kaifeng somehow being retaken, but the nonexistent garrison and the Mohave battlemech marching down the peninsula signals that it will soon be retaken. Yang should really try to make peace now while she still has all of her cities. The cost of a flip fest would be too high, and any long term victory she could score would no doubt be a Pyrrhic one, and with neighbors like Han and Timor, that is a death wish.

83: Mourning War

It seems that the American incursion into Arapaho ancestral land was just the wake up slap Pretty Nose needed, as the Arapaho retake Heet-Ko’Einoo, leaving the city and surrounding highways littered with scrapped American tanks as they push back towards Washington. That Appalachian line the Americans have set up is going to be a tough nut to crack though, and the time, men, and material lost breaking through it could be mitigated by a well-placed tactical nuke. I know your finger is on the button, Pretty Nose.

The Arapaho are making gains in the south as well. Arapaho tanks have pacified Cuscowilla, which they have had a very tough time doing thus far for whatever reason. During their time in Florida, they captured composer Wolfgang Amadues Mozart. They couldn’t get any important military info from him, but he can really play the piano, so that’s reason enough for them to keep him around. The tanks continue up the Florida peninsula to meet the rest of the army to hopefully take Apopka in a pincer attack. The northern pincer is running into American resistance, but with reinforcements on their way, they will hopefully be able to continue on to and take Apopka.

84: Quiet Moments in A War

It seems that things are still going alright for the Arapaho, even with their loss of Cuscowilla. According to the minimap, Heet-Ko’Einoo holds and Wox Noho’Kuhnee-t and Xono’uu’oo’ have been recaptured. The Americans still seem to be on the run in the north and Mid-Atlantic, but even with this renewed Arapaho offensive, the Americans are refusing to break around their capital, so now would be as good a time as any to use those nukes they have been stockpiling. Soon enough, we may see Washington or New York be the first cities in the cylinder to know nuclear devastation. This would be very ironic for FDR, adding to the pile of ironies he has collected over the course of the royale.

Things are much quieter in the now peaceful Washington, where a young Jean-Paul Satre sits in his cramped downtown apartment, penning his first book. In our timeline he was a French philosopher, novelist, playwright and political activist. He was considered a leading figure in the 20th century philosophical scene, especially in the philosophy of existentialism. He was also a Marxist, feminist, and anticolonialist. So, if his belief system in the cylinder is anything similar to that of OTL, the secret police of the National-Constitutional American Republic will make him disappear very soon.

85: The Emperor Calls For War

In the opulently furnished palace of Emperor Wu, he and his court are deep in debate all over the southern Han empire, there has been an uptick in drug use by the population. After raiding a particularly large drug den, Han imperial guards captured several traders and runners. They were pushing Kokangese product, but they themselves were not Kokangese, but from the far off land of Europe, they were Anglo-Dutch! And these weren't just rogue traders, either, they were from William’s Royal merchant’s guild. Wu sent for William, asking to explain himself, but no response came. Now, he and his court are locked in debate whether or not to go to war. Eventually, Wu retreats to his chambers. Hours pass by as the court awaits for him to return. Finally, the court shaman busts open the door. Destroyers will be sent west by tomorrow morning, she says. The Han have declared war on the Anglo-Dutch.

86: The Purple People

Now here is a place we haven’t visited in a while. The Lithuanian core, despite it’s very nice colors, is not looking very good. Their army mainly consists of Great War era infantry and armor, and all their neighbors armies, even Tuva’s, are more modern than them. The Turkish border is barely guarded, but Gediminas would be killing himself if he tried to take advantage. Mind you, Lithuania was once a top ten power, but now it seems the cylinder is spinning too fast for them.

87: The High Plains

Here we have the backline of the Arapaho, and you can see how much this war has cost them. The Americans have gotten as far as Heneecen-Okoy in Michigan. Despite this heavy cost, the Arapaho people are still behind Pretty Nose, entrusting her with kicking the destructive, murderous Americans from the continent once and for all. Fresh new units make their way to the front as damaged ones come to the backline for R&R, and Arapaho civilians work round the clock at factories. Aaron Copeland, who ironically in our timeline was a composer known for his patriotic and pro-American pieces, writes a composition called “Pretty Nose Portrait” to be played for the Mayoress herself. Maybe I was a little too hard on Pretty Nose earlier, cause it seems that she and her people still have a lot of fight left in them.

88: Caribbean Caboodle

On the very southern front of the war, the Arapaho navy still isn’t applying itself nearly as much as it should. They’ve bombed a Floridian city here and there, but they have made very little progress on FDR’s island cities. If only Pretty Nose could somehow rope Muisca into this war. That massive naval carpet which we haven’t seen much of yet could really come in handy, sweeping through the Caribbean, blasting the Muisca’s musical national treasure, the Kinks, as they work their way north and the Arapaho thrash the Americans on land. For now, though, Pretty Nose is on her own. Independent lady she is, she will have FDR’s head eventually.

89: Wrath of Nature

The Mohave nation is currently ruled by the Eco-Modernist Council, aiming to expand technology while keeping mother earth happy. A growing sect of this council is using their need to protect the land to justify imperial wars abroad. The other camp favors a more diplomatic approach to conservation abroad, but the warhawk camp’s power has only grown, much to the frustration of the diplomats.

“How are we supposed to protect nature if we’ve turned it into a nuclear wasteland?”

The warhawk rebuttal to this is always something about the ends justify the means, but no matter how long they debate for, each side never comes to an understanding. Either way, the fact that the Mohave production is that high and they are that advanced all while conserving the natural beauty of their homeland is very impressive, good on you guys!

90: Long Live The LLA!

In the sub, a small, nice club for socialist Lithuaniophiles has grown to unexpectedly massive proportions, now becoming a full-fledged political party in the sub. How they became so dominant remains a mystery, and more worryingly, will they try to use Babylonian technology to retaliate against invasions to their beloved Lithuania when they inevitably begin to lose to their larger, more advanced neighbors?

91: The One Episode Comeback

The Arapaho once again bag Chicago as it seems that Pretty Nose will get right back to where she started in this war by episode’s end. She needs to watch her northern flank, though, because it looks like a large mechanized force of Americans is preparing to capture Xonouu’oo’, which is in the red. As incredible and bizarre as Pretty Nose’s single episode fall and comeback is, she is still undoubtedly going to suffer in the PRs for letting the Americans capture her cities and damage her already ground-down population.

92: Olive’s Oopsie

The Mohave navy once again takes Kaifeng, and then moves on to Guilin, home of Yongle’s historic last stand. Even more concerningly, there is no Kokangese navy to be seen, so Irataba could conceivably make landfall on Kokang proper. Yang needs to get out of this war NOW. If the Mohave do indeed make landfall on mainland Asia, they will most likely be there to stay. Yang and her opium empire have won the hearts of many on the Sub, myself included, and to see her fall this hard this early would be heartbreaking. Sign that peace deal, Olive.

93: Electrifying Indonesia

In Southeast Asia, the land of giants and rump states, the father of electricity, Nikola Tesla, makes his way through a muddy road carved through the Jungle. He was hired to come here by Suharto to advise his scientists in some sort of defense project, but he did not specify what. It was a long trip from Yugoslavia, and all of the flights to Medan were on second rate air companies, so this had better be worth his while. From Medan, he takes a boat over to San Juan Del Monte, where one of Suharto’s aides picks him up from the dock and drives him to a large skyscraper in the center of the city. On the floor second to the top, he comes face-to-face with Suharto.

“Ah! Tesla, you’re finally here.” He says, enthusiastically shaking the young engineer’s hand. He snaps his fingers and another aide lays a large map and several schematics out onto the table.

“As you know, Indonesia’s borders have never been respected by the savages we call our neighbors, but I have devised a plan, and with your help, I can keep them out for good!” Suharto says, pointing to the map, which has a thick red line drawn around the borders of Indonesia with little lightning symbols drawn around it.

“What is that?” Nikola asks, “is that-”

“An impenetrable wall made of electrified coils? Yes, my friend!” Suharto exclaims. “And to sweeten the deal, I have named them after you! They’re called Tesla coils.”

Nikola fake smiles. He came all the way here for this?

94: Right Back To Where We Began

The Arapaho cap Apopka and the great American roller coaster glides back into the station. Just as I expected Pretty Nose is right back with the same borders she started with. This is by no means a victory, but it now makes her winning much more likely. Still I do not think the power rankers will be very kind to her for leaving her cities undefended and letting the Americans take three cities she founded. You’ll get ‘em next week, Pretty Nose.

95: A Shining City On A Hill

For our second to last slide, we have the 73 pop Kayapo megacapital, where Techno-Cathar Perfect Raoni has just finished the Utsade Gene Vault. This Future Worlds Wonder gives the builder 2 science from all nature preserves, 2 gold from all genocenters, 2 culture from all eco communes, and 2 great scientist points. I don’t think Raone could have picked a better wonder to construct, really. It seems like Raoni is in a completely different world from the rest of the cylinder, the game he’s playing seems completely unique from anyone else's. Soon enough, his mobile SAMs will be manned and operated by vat-born Amazonian warriors. The way things are going now, if he continues on his current trajectory and starts to snowball, we may have another green world on our hands./p>

96: Forget About Where You Once Belonged

In the newly integrated lands of Chile, Kayapo workers finish construction of several brand-new eco-communes. In these communes, Chileans are able to continue their communist form of living status quo ante bellum, Raone’s generosity in peace greatly contrasting with his ruthless barbarism during war, which is slowly becoming a distant memory. These eco-communes are small cities in themselves, providing work, food, and housing all in one for the many who had completely lost their homes during the mass-razing the Kayapo committed near the end of the war. In one of these communes lives Catalina, the young woman from Maipo. Doing maintenance on a machine which automatically harvests corn, she feels numb, as she always does. She doesn’t hate the Kayapo, she has an objectively better standard of living than she did pre-war. She just wants her Cristobal back now. He could still be out there somewhere, as after the war many people were relocated by the Kayapo, supposedly by a man hooked up to a computer who ran calculations as to how many people would be best efficient and where. Looking down from the massive terrace she is standing on, she can see that a new crop of workers have moved into the commune. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she walks opposite the workers, eyeing every young man's face to see if it is her brother. She looks at the ground, her boots thudding on the thick glass floors. She looked back at the line of workers once, and her eyes were met with those of a young man. She knew that look anywhere. Oh my god, it was Cristobal.

“Cristobal?” She calls him. He nods. She shrieks and runs over, practically jumping on him. He picks her up and spins her around.

“Now I can pick YOU up.” He says. She laughs, tears are streaming down her face. They stand there together as the other workers march on and the dozens of Kayapo technologies whir and beep around them.

Heed my words, reader, listener or viewer, this kind of happy ending is rare in the cylinder. At this moment, wars rage on, bombs fall, and hundreds of lives are extinguished for vague reasons of pride and honor. We must cherish these tender moments in the cylinder, because though peace and happiness is deserved by everyone, these are rare indeed. Cherish this moment, but be prepared for wars to escalate, nightmares to be lived out, and thousands more to die next episode. Ah, who am I kidding, thats what we all want and tune in for. This has been goatbaby, and it has been a privilege to narrate this episode for all of you. Goodnight.

Episode 31: Race to The Apocalypse – S3

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