Civ Battle Royale May 31, 2023
Mattias
Chaos and bloodshed spread like wildfire around the Cylinder, as the superpowers consolidate and the smaller civilizations fall further behind. Yet unexpected twists and turns still await, and the path to victory remains open to those with the ambition to chase it.
Greetings fellow sub-dwellers, Babylonians, and connoisseurs of virtual violence! This is u/captainbork15, lurker extraordinaire and CBR veteran since the Mk 1 days. This is my first time narrating, and it’s an honor to be your guide for this roller coaster of an episode! With that said, let’s get right to it!
I’d like to take a moment to highlight the always-excellent work of the CBR’s resident cartographer, Vihreaa! Highlights of this week’s map are Australia in Timorese red, the Kayapó consolidation of South America, and the Arapaho looking more and more like the dominant power of North America as they push the U.S to the sea.
And another shout out to the CBR Schoolhouse, a weekly spotlight on the real-life history of the civs and leaders of the CBR! Last week featured Olive Yang, everyone’s favorite bisexual opium warlord. Fascinating stuff, so be sure to check it out!
Thanks as always to the wonderful Ko-Fi supporters who make the CBR possible. The weekly episodes, and all the stories, art and discussion that flows from them, wouldn’t be here without your support!
Topping the Power Rankings again this week is Timor-Leste! After conquering Australia, Timor has become the biggest civ in the game and a statistical monster, with the most production and science by a significant margin. Whether they continue on the path of conquest, or sit tight and consolidate their gains, things are only looking up for Timor.
We begin our episode in the turquoise waters of the Caribbean, where an American fleet warily stands guard over Tiwanaku. They had been spared from the brutal war of attrition against the Arapaho being waged to the North, but that fragile peace is about to be shattered. Ship captains sound the alarm as Kayapó warplanes roar overhead, armed to the teeth with bombs destined for Tiwanaku. American forces are already stretched to the limit against the Arapaho, so this invasion is something Roosevelt really can’t afford to deal with.
Meanwhile in the steppes of Northern Turkey, tensions had been high ever since Lithuania’s conquest of the last Massagetae enclave deep within Turkish territory. The world watches with bated breath as Atatürk speaks from a balcony in Adana, flanked by hundreds of cutting-edge artillery units. “This flagrant violation of Turkish and Massagetae sovereignty shall not stand! Turkey hereby declares war on the Lithuanian regime.” He proclaims, to thunderous applause.
Immediately Asir’s defenses are reduced to nothing, as Turkish battleships, warplanes, and tanks swarm the city. Already this war looks like a disaster for Lithuania. The question isn’t whether they can win, but whether Gediminas can muster enough defenses to survive.
The tech gap between the two combatants is also evident looking at the Turkish interior, which is sporting futuristic improvements such as hydroponic domes and communications arrays. These will allow Turkish cities to have ample food, gold and production even in barren desert, ensuring that their explosive growth won’t come to a halt any time soon.
Things look bad for the Americans as well, as Tiwanaku has already fallen, with no clear opportunity for recapture. Fortunately for Roosevelt, Muisca territory is blocking the Kayapó from advancing further, though a sneaky nuclear sub has gotten through somehow. If the Kayapó do have open borders with the Muisca, they could put more pressure on America’s Cuban holdings along with the Arapaho.
But that is not to be, for Pretty Nose has another strategy in mind. On July 4th, 2054 AD, the mood is grim in the war room of Washington D.C., as Führer-President Roosevelt reads aloud a letter from an Arapaho emissary.
“Mr. President,
Allow me to congratulate you on your recent victories. Victories most military strategists had believed impossible. However, in your haste you seem to have forgotten something important - that our words are backed with nuclear weapons. You have 3 days from receipt of this letter to surrender all contested cities to our control, or there will be nothing left to contest.
Regards,
Chieftess Pretty Nose of the Arapaho”
With that, the war is over, and America has surrendered.
A more Northern view reveals that America’s empire is well and truly shattered by the amount of cities given to the Arapaho. With all these cities disconnected, even Greenland could possibly take a chunk out of the remains. Pretty Nose lost many battles, but won the war in the end. The fact that the Arapaho currently have a whopping 102 (!) nuclear weapons surely had something to do with Roosevelt’s decision. I wonder, are America’s neighbors cheering the defeat of fascism, or fearful that they may be the next target of the now battle-hardened Arapaho army?
One war ends, but another rages on. Such is life on the Cylinder. The Mohave navy has managed to seize Shuntian, making landfall on Asia. Crossing the oceans is one of the greatest tests for any contender, but it looks like the Mohave are running out of steam despite their huge tech advantage.If they can peace out and maintain a beachhead in Asia, that would be a significant win.
Returning to the Turkish-Lithuanian front confirms that this will be brutal for Lithuania. Turkey has an overwhelming technological and numerical advantage. I count 69 Turkish planes in this slide alone, along with modern armor, rocket artillery, and other late game powerhouse units. Asir has fallen, and multiple Lithuanian core cities have already been bombarded to black. Gediminas had better start working on a peace deal, but looking at the terms America got, that might not be enough to save his chances.
The Anglo-Dutch, meanwhile, care nothing for the wars raging around the world, preferring to vibe to the latest hits from celebrated DJ Grandmaster Flash. Now that he’s conquered England and fulfilled the ‘Anglo’ in ‘Anglo-Dutch’, William III seems perfectly content to sit, rebuild, and bide his time.
In our world, Grandmaster Flash is an American DJ born to Barbadian immigrants. He is known for forming Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, the first Rap group to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, as well as inventing a DJ technique called Quick Mix Theory and the slipmat, which allowed DJs to freely manipulate records on a turntable.
Defying my predictions, Mohave forces somehow capture Long Htan on Taiwan. But the tide of battle now seems to be decisively turning, as a huge force of Kokang Kakweyes and battleships, with one valiant galleass bringing up the rear, moves to the front. Maybe the galleass is a museum piece brought out to boost morale?
Turkey continues its advance, with the difference in airpower having a devastating effect. Vilnius itself is in the red, and a modern armor from the front could reach it in two turns of movement.I don’t know why Gediminas was so set on eliminating the Massagetae, but he is surely regretting it now. Even in the cutthroat world of the CBR, the warmonger penalties from elimination are high.
Sure enough, Long Htan flips back, and seems likely to end up securely in Kokang hands. Shuntian has flipped back and forth, but the Mohave are vastly outnumbered. Looking at the number of carriers around Niitakayama, the Mohave might be able to maintain some ground in this war if they bring in more airpower, since the Kokang have very few air defenses. The Mohave also have a few museum pieces of their own sailing the high seas, with privateers, galleons, and a frigate visible to the Northeast. They certainly have the technology and gold to upgrade them, so I’m sticking with my theory that the vintage ships are good for morale.
The roar of tanks and the thunder of guns interrupts the silence of Lithuania’s Boreal forests, as Turkish tanks press North under the cover of extensive aerial bombardments. Birzai looks sure to fall, and Lithuania’s reserves look extremely sparse.
Turns out the Anglo-Dutch have a passion other than music, and that passion is nuclear annihilation. William III gives a speech to celebrate the occasion, flanked by the finest physicists, generals, and DJs of the Anglo-Dutch.
“With this new weapon, we shall defend our homeland against any and all who threaten it!” he crows.
A reporter raises their hand and asks “but what about Amsterdam?” only to be promptly drowned out as William turns up the volume on Grandmaster Flash’s latest hit.
The Turkish advance is only accelerating, as Birzai, T’Ver, and Siauliai all fall in a single turn, with the capture of Trakai and even Vilnius looking imminent. Remember when we mocked Turkey for struggling against Kyivan Rus’? Those days are long gone after the rapid dismemberment of the Permians, and now Turkey seems set to continue its streak of efficient, ruthless victories.
The Inca have been at peace for a long time, but seem to have built up a healthy navy and modern army. Their cities are also looking prosperous, perhaps thanks in part to the modern architecture of Frank Lloyd Wright.
In our world, Frank Lloyd Wright is an American architect known for designing structures to harmonize with humanity and the environment. He was known to have been inspired by traditional Japanese and Mayan architecture, and given the extent of the Incan empire in the CBR, perhaps these influences remain.
This… looks like the end of the line for Lithuania. Turkey advances in a red and yellow tide, capturing five cities in one turn, including Vilnius, Lithuania’s original capital. Gardnas is in the black and Turkey’s forces still look fresh. Lithuania’s navy in the Baltic and Arctic might be able to manage a few flips, but that won’t last long. With all of this unfolding in just 5 turns, Ataturk has once again proven himself a master of blitzkrieg.
The shoe is on the other foot in the Mohave-Kokang war, as Olive Yang’s troops besiege Guilin. With the city’s low defense and a tank in capture range, it could fall if Yang is smart about her tactics. This war was a bold play by the Mohave, but it’s starting to look like it was the wrong play unless they can reliably bring reinforcements from their core. At this rate the Kokang could recapture Kaifeng, and even Yoshida-Koriyama, with its lack of defenses, could be at risk.
Somehow, Gediminas has eked out a peace deal with Turkey that allowed him to keep his capital, but the cost was steep. Lyda, Kaunas, Rostov, and Gardnas, on top of the cities Turkey claimed by force, are all surrendered as part of the agreement. Vilnius is now an exclave, and Lithuania looks like a shell of its former self. But for Turkey, this is another overwhelming victory, and Ataturk is showing that he is in it to win it.
Roosevelt and Raoni agree to peace, with the Kayapó keeping control of Tiwanaku after a brief showcase of their naval competence. After the devastating peace deal with the Arapaho, Roosevelt is surely grateful to end this war with only one small exclave lost.
Tetouan makes peace with the Zulu, ending what was clearly the greatest threat to the Zulu’s survival. Perhaps that’s less of a stretch than it seems, since the Kilwa have forgotten that ships can’t capture landlocked cities, and neither Angola nor Timor seems inclined to absorb the warmonger penalty of eliminating a civ. Timor has certainly bulked up their naval presence in the area though, could they be plotting something?
If anyone thought that Pretty Nose wasn’t done yet after claiming victory over the Americans, you were right, as the Arapaho declare war on the Cree! The humble title of Mayoress belies Pretty Nose’s ambition to become the one true hegemon of North America, and she won’t let anything stop her now. Though the Cree are a power in their own right, the Arapaho start this war with a decisive advantage, having dozens of planes within striking distance of the Cree capital. This war could determine who wins North America - the Cree, Arapaho, or the wild card Mohave.
Meanwhile in South America, the Kayapó consolidate their recent gains. The field of contenders in South America seems to have come down to the Inca or the Kayapó, with the Kayapó having most of the continent, but the Inca having a massive Pacific empire and defensible mainland cities. The Muisca are a longshot, but in the event of war between the two top dogs, whether they pick a side could be decisive.
A look at Gokturk lands shows some truly terrible bordergore, with Tuvan and Han citadels making Nevkat into a one-tile exclave and taking chunks of land away from Gokturk core cities. Is this merely bullying and posturing, or the buildup to another war in Siberia?
At first glance I wasn’t sure what this was supposed to be, but look closely, and you’ll see that the contorted metal snowflake-looking thing is actually five stealth bombers stuck together! Anyone here who’s played the new Legend of Zelda game will recognize that Irataba seems to be taking lessons from the Hyrule school of engineering. Could this new Mohave superweapon turn the war in their favor?
As predicted, the Arapaho are starting off their war with the Cree strong, seizing Sipiwininiwak (my condolences to the audio narrators) within a single turn. The Cree will likely retake it this same turn, but being unable to defend their capital is a dire portent for their chances.
The Anglo-Dutch seem to be exporting the trend of pairing music with nuclear weapons programs to the other middle powers of the Cylinder, as the Muisca complete their own Manhattan Project to the sound of songs from Dutch-French singer Ramses Shaffy.
Normally I’d highlight some IRL facts about the great person on screen, but this time I wanted to quickly note the contrast in technological development here. The Muisca are still sporting triremes, of all things, as part of their fleet, while the Mohave have advanced destroyers and battlesuits. The question is, why aren’t all those advanced ships fighting the Kokang instead of sailing in circles by Guatemala City?
Top underdog Timor-Leste continues to thrive, sporting a large, diverse navy and army, including what I believe is the first airborne forces unit (Future Worlds paratrooper upgrade) that we’ve seen so far. Based on last episode’s stats sheet, taking some time to consolidate their Australian gains has paid off for Timor, with the 3rd largest military, and highest production and effective science. With top-tier stats and vulnerable neighbors, the sky's the limit for Timor-Leste right now.
The Wiradjuri continue to sit tight after being largely conquered by TImor-Leste. In an attempt to keep the spirits of his people high, Windradyne has recruited English photography pioneer and polymath Henry Fox Talbot, and encouraged photography of New Zealand’s beautiful wilderness.
Henry Fox Talbot (1800-1877) is known for his development of salted paper and calotype processes, which were precursors to future advancements in photography. But he was also a polymath who was elected to the Royal Society in 1831 for his work on integral calculus, optics, chemistry, electricity and other subjects such as etymology, the decipherment of cuneiform, and ancient history. An impressive resume, but perhaps not enough to save the Wiradjuri after such devastating losses.
Sayyida Al-Hurra sits upon her makeshift throne in Marrakech, sharpening her saber and chuckling as she reads the war declaration in angry red ink from Gediminas of Lithuania. After all, what is an empire hundreds of miles away supposed to do, especially after being humiliated by Turkey? Suddenly, a shadow darkens the palace, and an enormous warship drops from the sky, landing with a tremendous splash in the Mediterranean. The ship flies Lithuanian colors, and as the guns begin to fire, Sayyida Al-Hurra, Queen of Tetouan, laughs and weeps until it hurts. Of all the misfortunes visited on her people, this one had to be the most absurd yet.
Lithuania’s warships in the Baltic were teleported here after being forced out by the new Turkish borders, but will they be able to achieve anything in this foreign land? Perhaps all of this was just part of Gediminas’ master plan to secure an exclave far beyond Turkey’s reach.
Sipiwininiwak flips yet again, but the Cree are otherwise looking surprisingly resilient. Ekuantshit, a City they lost to the Arapaho earlier, is in the red and numerous units are approaching it. The Arapaho capital of Wootei-Niicie has also taken damage from Cree bombing runs, and flipping it isn’t out of the question yet.
The Normans, not to be outdone by their rivals the Anglo-Dutch, recruit the Pixies to play in Amsterdam.
The Pixies are an American Alt-Rock band formed in 1986, that broke up in 1993 and reunified in 2004. Their work influenced bands including as Nirvana and Radiohead, and their songs are known for dynamic shifts and surreal lyrics.
The Cree have recovered their capital, and for now, look to be pushing the Arapaho back, as Ekuantshit is in the black, and most other Cree cities look defensible.
The Mohave, meanwhile, complete the Helios Microwave Power Satellite, a future worlds wonder which:
Overall a great wonder for the Mohave, with their desert-focused UA and starting location.
Keen-eyed readers might have noticed that Yemen declared war on the Cree last turn, so here’s Yemen in all its glory! They have a somewhat scary navy, that sadly will be of no use whatsoever against the Cree.
A devastating and consequential war that kept us all at the edge of our seats, comes to an end, as Emperor Wu of the Han makes peace with the Anglo-Dutch. This does provide us an excuse to check out the Han core, which is looking strong despite some recent losses to Kokang. Might Wu be contemplating revenge with the Mohave acting as a distraction?
I eat my words, as the Cree capital falls once again, and modern armor advances towards the interim capital of Kawawachikamach. Poundmaker has to strike a decisive blow and peace out, since the longer this war drags on, the more important the Arapaho production advantage becomes.
Pakuashipi falls to the Arapaho, and to be honest, I had forgotten this city existed. It’s as far North as is physically possible on this map, so that’s cool. On the bright side for the Cree, a one-tile tundra city with only half of its tiles workable is more of a liability than anything to the Arapaho.
The Mohave technique of sticking stealth bombers together proves ineffective, as the Kokang capture Guilin. However, both sides are now looking pretty thin. This might be a smart time for Olive Yang to peace out before some of those reinforcements to the East can arrive.
The last stronghold of Tetouan resists valiantly, but Gediminas’ hunger for exclaves is too great, and his destroyers sail into the harbor of Marrakech, seizing control of the city and eliminating Tetouan in 35th place. Those musketment and the lone galleon may look like they could retake the city, but they will not.
Sayyida Al-Hurra’s Tetouan is a civ many of us will remember for their valiant resistance against foes on all sides, from Mali to the Normans to Castille. The world seemed determined to whittle them down, but they held out admirably, until the teleporting destroyers of Lithuania pierced the shield of bordergore protecting Marrakech. Press F to pay respects.
For those wondering what the Gokturks have been up to since eliminating the Mori, it turns out they were doing their homework on these newfangled “nuclear weapons” that seem to be all the rage nowadays. All that studying paid off, for the Gokturks now have The Bomb. It certainly makes a striking contrast with the proliferation of Uhlans in their territory. Does Bumin Qaghan intend to deliver his nuclear weapons from horseback? Regardless of the method of delivery, nuclear weapons will likely be a deterrent to future citadels on the Gokturk border.
A Lithuanian proverb meaning “trouble arrives on horseback, and leaves on foot”. Which would be an apt description of the pickle Lithuania finds itself in now, as both Brandenburg and Tuva declare war. Perhaps they are incensed that Gediminas has eliminated another civilization, or perhaps it’s just a convenient excuse to partition a pesky neighbor. Either way, Lithuania has leaped out of the frying pan and right into the fire.
This is proving to be quite the war of attrition, but the Arapaho are slowly but surely advancing, as Attawapiskat falls. Poundmaker isn’t out of this yet - if he can capture Ekuantshit and Nihoon-Oobe, both of which are in the red, and secure a peace deal, that would be a substantial win. But that is looking less and less likely.
Brandenburg starts off strong, capturing Raseiniai, and threatening two more cities with imminent capture. Brandenburg has a mixed record in warfare to say the least, so will this be their chance to shake off the malaise of nearly losing to Yugoslavia? It certainly looks like it, but if Lithuania can hold out even a short while, note that the vast majority of Brandenburg’s navy can’t reach Lithuanian territory. Much depends on keeping the momentum of this initial push and not letting the war devolve into endless flipping.
Indeed, the Arapaho retake the Cree capital, and continue to gradually creep forward. As the Arapaho secure more cities, they’ll also be able to move their large air force into position to threaten more Cree cities, which will be critical to capturing anything beyond the Rocky Mountains.
Tuva rushes forward, capturing Kuva from Lithuania, and bringing two more cities into the red. These tiny Arctic cities aren’t big assets in terms of productivity, but they could play a major role as strategic bases for a future Tuva-Turkey conflict. A horde of throat singers accompanies the troops, keeping morale high.
As the guards of Toledo, garbed in traditional dress uniform and toting ceremonial muskets, settle down for a midday siesta in the Iberian sun, they are awoken by the sharp RAT-TAT-TAT of Norman anti-air guns, punching holes in the city’s ancient walls. The Castillan army, with more generals than guns, offers meager resistance, but the Normans are undeterred, and at last the city has fallen.
With this, Isabella’s Castille is eliminated in 34th place. They never could seem to get ahead, struggling to expand out of Iberia and getting caught up in recurring scraps with the Irish and Anglo-Dutch before successive Malian and American invasions left them confined to Toledo. They waged a long and valiant war against the Normans, holding out using favorable geography and even besieging Capua, before an increasing Norman technological advantage left them in the dust. F for the Castilians, CBRX S3’s successor to Maria the Mad’s Portugal.
Brandenburg pushes hard, and tanks rush into Varniai and Klaipeda. Seems that the near-loss to Yugoslavia was a wake-up call for Brandenburg, as these massed armored divisions are a world apart from the shambolic land army of previous episodes. Curiously, Vilnius is completely untouched despite bordering Brandenburg’s core. Is Frederick-William saving the best for last?
Peace comes to Iberia, as the last survivors of Castille make peace with the Normans and Angola, and Lithuania consolidates control over Marrakech. Iberia has turned out to have absolutely bizarre borders - if someone had told me at the start of this iteration of the CBR that Iberia would be jointly occupied by America, the Normans, Lithuania, and Mali, I would not have believed it.
“Day 10265, January, 2064
The Kayapó still suspect nothing. We have managed to convince even the chief of their general staff that we are a ceremonial regiment of their own army. Our colors, near identical to their own, are perfectly suited to the task. Thus, we continue our mission in utmost secrecy. Our goal? To survive until the very end. The world will rue the day they pronounced the Massagetae gone and vanquished!”
I sincerely doubt I would have noticed the Massagetae units hiding here if it hadn’t been highlighted. Thank goodness we didn’t have another green and yellow civ in South America, right? Imagine how confusing that would have been.
A lone survivor of Castille, a work boat, plies its trade in the Atlantic, catching fish and selling them to any port that will buy from the last remnants of a vanquished civilization.
…Does anyone else hear guitars? Suddenly we have company in our little Babylonian corner of Antarctica, as a Castillan settler plants a flag and a city springs up in the snow! Seems as though once the Normans made peace, the last Castillan units were teleported to the nearest explored, accessible tile, which just happened to be probably the only place on the map they could still found a city. Has our cover been blown? Do the Castillans know they’re in a simulation? Was Isabella III pulling the strings of the CBR this whole time? Alas, I am but a humble narrator, with no way of knowing the answer to such questions. But if all Castille wants to do is survive, this strategy was a stroke of genius. Here, at the bottom of the world, no other civilization can reach them.
A 1977 hit single by the Bee Gees, and also what Lithuania is trying desperately to do, as they hold the line on both fronts and recapture three cities in one turn. If Lithuania survives this from their position, that would be an incredible feat of defense, and also raise serious questions about Brandenburg’s ability to fight wars.
On the Eastern Front, Tuva looks sure to reclaim Kuva, but Lithuania may actually have a chance at staving off further losses after that, with a significant number of battleships around their Arctic outposts, and Tuvan forces having to embark or cross a narrow isthmus to advance.
KIlwa has finally remembered how to embark units, as their land forces set foot on Zulu territory for the first time in this war. Unfortunately for Kilwa, gatling guns are ranged and cannot capture cities. Still, Ali ibn al-Hassan is ecstatic at the discovery of this new technique, proudly proclaiming that the Zulu’s days are numbered, as he announces the publication of his new book on amphibious warfare tactics.
Jonas Savimbi buys a copy of Ali ibn al-Hassan’s new book, and is not amused. He announces that Angola’s forces will do in a day what Kilwa’s could not do in a thousand, and take the last stronghold of the Zulu. And so it is, as Angola declares war on the Zulu and captures Ulundi immediately, snatching a capital and eliminating Cetshwayo’s Zulu in 34th place, as Castille managed to resurrect themselves.
The Zulu were another middle power that struggled to build momentum. Their rivalry with Botswana handicapped both civilizations, as neither gained a decisive upper hand. This left other African competitors, Angola and Kilwa, to dominate the region, until Timor-Leste swept in to seize most of the Zulu empire, leaving them trapped in Ulundi and feuding with Kilwa until Angola dealt the finishing blow. Press F for the Zulu.
Raoni decides that his job is not yet done, and that leaving Chile alive was a mistake that must be rectified. The Kayapó declare war on Chile, and this looks like our third (actually fourth, but Castille wasn’t really eliminated) elimination of the episode in the making. Seems this episode is really seeing the top power accelerate and the rumps get eliminated from contention.
In a show of mercy, Kilwa makes peace with the Zulu survivors. An ibutho, a worker, and a great general are seemingly all that remain of the Zulu kingdom. South Africa is now split between Timor, Angola, and Kilwa. Might the warmonger penalty incurred by eliminating the Zulu drive Timor to act? With those shiny new advanced destroyers, even the limited Timorese presence in the region could pose problems for Angola, and spell doom for the Kilwa.
Frederick-William had the strangest feeling that he was forgetting something… that’s it! Vilnius is right there on the border, waiting to be captured. After a few inexplicable turns of leaving the Lithuanian capital untouched, Brandenburger forces are advancing, and look certain to capture it.
After the back-and-forth with Kokang, Irataba decides to find an easier target for a land colony in Asia, and declares war on North Korea with Kilwa providing moral support. Given the technological gap here, this looks like our third, or fourth elimination of the episode! I’m almost losing track here. Worth highlighting, the slightly different looking tank icon in Yoshida-Koriyama and Hinoyama is railgun armor, a future worlds upgrade to modern armor with 120 combat strength. Just one of these at the gates of Tajhi Sarugake would easily take the city.
Defying all the odds, a Cree tank sneaks into Nihoon Oobe! This was an originally Mohave city, making its loss, even if temporary, a major embarrassment for Pretty nose in a war she should be winning. Poundmaker can’t get ahead of himself though - the Arapaho are still coming out on top so far, and have a visible tech advantage.
So this is where all Brandenburg’s military numbers come from. What is this fleet for anyways? Being able to walk from Denmark to Iceland without getting one’s feet wet is pretty nifty, but none of these ships are able to access Brandenburg’s current only relevant war. If Frederick-William intends to turn these against the Anglo-Dutch, he’d better do it soon before those obsolete Man-of-Wars (Dutch frigate replacement UU) get upgraded to battleships.
Salvador Allende musters his remaining forces for one valiant last stand. Bullets whizz overhead as Santiago de Chile is bombarded, and Kayapó special forces descend on the city. In a gesture of somewhat premature celebration, Raoni cuts the ribbon at the Tokyo Skytree, which gives +3 gold, +2 culture, +4 happiness and +1 culture and happiness from all Broadcast Towers. Not the most useful wonder, but still a wonder nonetheless.
Lithuania fights on, flipping Kuva and Raseiniai, while Vilnius sill holds. However, it’s never a good sign for a late-game civilization when their whole empire fits in one screenshot. Turkey’s sweep really was the beginning of the end for Lithuania, a shockingly quick collapse in the span of a part for a civ that was once a top competitor.
A closer look at Kremoro, the Kayapó capital, an enormous city of countless wonders in the heart of the Amazon, where the Tokyo Skytree is the latest fine addition to Raoni’s collection of wonders. 75 population truly is insane even for this stage of the game, and the huge, defensible core really proved to be key for the Kayapó, giving them a strong base to expand from and a technological advantage over their neighbors. I was once skeptical that the Kayapó would do anything but turtle away in the jungle, but you can’t argue with the results. The Inca still loom like a sword of Damocles over the Pacific coast though, and as long as they remain, the Kayapó’s position as the leader of South America is in doubt.
Brandenburg has now captured Vilnius, taking Lithuania’s original capital and almost certainly securing it. While this may seem like a win for Brandenburg, it also means they now share a very long, squiggly border with Turkey, which is not a situation any civilization on the Cylinder will envy.
This episode is going to wear out all our F keys, for Santiago de Chile has now fallen, and with it, Salvador Allende’s Chile is eliminated in 33rd place.
Chile, for a while, seemed primed to beat the odds. Situated next to the initially top-ranked Rio de la Plata, Chile managed to stymie their neighbor’s expansion and build a respectable empire in South America. Unfortunately, limited expansion options and the technological dominance of the Kayapó meant that Chile’s days were numbered when their upstairs neighbor came knocking, but they held out longer than most expected even after that. It was a good run, Allende. F for Chile.
Somehow, Lithuania reclaims their capital? Even if Brandenburg’s overwhelming numbers make victory near certain, Gediminas is putting on one hell of a last stand. He’s going to make this as painful as possible for Brandenburg, that’s for sure.
The Cree and Yemen make peace, but what’s that happening between Sana’a and Taizz? Judging by the damage icons around Kelo, it looks like Yemen and Angola are at war, though this is mostly limited to air raids, since the two share no direct border. But if either party decided to make a move against Uganda, Chad, or Kilwa at the same time, this war could get a lot more relevant.
I issue my second premature obituary of the episode, as Chile reclaims its capital! That said, this looks to be temporary, barring a miraculous peace deal.
The Cree continue their valiant defense against the Arapaho, but they seem to be running on fumes, with little in the way of reserves. Meanwhile, the Arapaho have plenty. Poundmaker desperately needs to snatch whatever he can and make peace, or the rest of Cree lands will be threatened as well.
As Kokang soldiers make landfall on Japan, seizing Kaifeng, the Mohave set fire to Guilin. If they can’t have it, then no one can! This war has turned out to be a slight embarrassment for the Mohave, but not a major setback. If they can reclaim Kaifeng, peace out, then focus on North Korea and building up their navy in the area, the Mohave could still come out on top over the long term.
As the Kayapó reclaim Santiago de Chile, press F once more for Salvador Allende and Chile. With only a single privateer and wounded cavalry remaining, there is no chance of reclaiming the capital. Chile certainly went out fighting, defying my premature announcement of their demise.
Guilin burns down to nothing, and a lone Mohave destroyer faces the wrath of the Kokang navy, determined to avenge the crime of razing a city.
We return to the Timorese core, where Lawspeaker Xanana Gusmão leads his nation to ever greater heights of technological advancement. Drone UAVs, battlesuits, and advanced destroyers all make an appearance, and it won’t be long before these advanced units become the backbone of Timor’s military. As Timorese Australia continues to recover, their technological and production lead will likely continue to expand.
However, while Timor has the most science per turn, the Mohave have the most techs, and they aren’t going to let anyone forget it with their newest advancement, the arsenal ship. This is the final upgrade to naval ranged units, an upgrade from the battleship and missile cruiser. With anti-air abilities, capacity for multiple missiles, high ranged and melee strength, and rapid movement, the arsenal ship utterly destroys any naval unit from earlier eras.
So, once again, why are they in California and not at the front lines?
Yugoslavia, despite being technologically behind most of their neighbors, has assembled a formidable carpet of land units, including their unique machine gun replacement, the partisan. Thanks to Yugoslavia’s UA, most of these units are highly promoted as well, letting them punch above their weight. Considering the outcome of the last war, this should give Brandenburg pause. The approach to Berlin is looking mighty empty… will Tito take advantage of the situation?
The Kayapó build Jurassic Park in Kremoro, a wonder that gives +6 gold, +6 science, +6 happiness in the city it was built in, and +2 gold, +2 science, +4 happiness from all Zoos. Not bad, but it also causes barbarian dinosaur units to spawn randomly outside the city until you advance far enough in the tech tree. Somehow I don’t think Raoni thought this one through.
Remember how I mentioned that the Yemen-Angola war could suddenly become relevant if one of them made a move against Kilwa? Lo and behold, Angola has declared war on Kilwa, in what could turn out to be a major step towards consolidating their hold on Africa.
We take a brief break from the endless onslaught of bloodshed and war to see the latest cultural contributions of the Muisca, in the form of Aram Khachaturian’s compositions.
Aram Khachaturian (1903-1978) was an Armenian-Soviet composer, considered one of the leading composers of the Soviet Union. He is known for his violin and cello concerto, 25 film scores, and especially his ballet music. The “Sabre Dance”, from his ballet “Gayane” is widely used and recognized in pop culture worldwide.
Pretty Nose has channeled her inner Hannibal, and sent a force across the Rocky Mountains to capture (once again my condolences to the audio narrators) Hinenitee Toh-Nooxeih-T. The Cree are primed to recapture it, but even so, the tide of battle is clearly turning in the Arapaho’s favor.
Bengal must be one of the most peaceful places to live. Aside from the occasional border skirmish with Kokang, I don’t think they’ve been involved in a major war for centuries. This peace seems to have paved the way for the arts to thrive, as great musician Lauryn Hill is among several great people in Bengal.
Lauryn Hill is an American singer, songwriter, rapper, and record producer, regarded as one of the greatest and most influential rappers of all time. Her sole studio album, “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”, was a smash hit, topping the Billboard 100 and winning 5 Grammy awards.
Turkey’s recently seized territory looks curiously empty of land units, but the staggering number of aircraft in these cities shows that they are by no means undefended. If I counted properly, there are 94 Turkish planes in this screenshot alone. Few other civilizations could stand up to that.
We come to Chad, where Idriss Deby has made the most of a bad situation, fully carpeting and largely modernizing his military. Now, after much preparation, Chad has declared war! On… someone? What icon is that anyways?
Cambodia! Anonymity is apparently the best defense for this little city-state, which has been rewarded with a long peace after somehow fending off Kokang for centuries. Chad can’t really do anything here, but it would be a different story if they could persuade other countries to join in.
Tuva holds on to Kuva, and seizes Anyksciai as well, making incremental progress against Lithuania. However, Seinai is in an extremely defensible position, so unless Tuva brings overwhelming force to bear and finds a way to sink those submarines, any units they embark to get to Seinai will become shark food in short order.
I take back what I said. Even if Chad persuades other countries to join its bizarre coalition, Cambodia will probably be just fine. Yugoslavia decides that if Chad is declaring war on Cambodia, that must be what all the cool kids are doing, and decides to join in, throwing in a declaration of war against Kilwa for good measure. Come on Tito, Berlin is right there and barely defended!
With that, we conclude another thrilling episode of the Civ Battle Royale, and what a memorable one it has been!
Narrating an episode has definitely made me appreciate all the narrators who came before even more than I already did. There are so many talented writers following the CBR it’s hard to wrap my mind around it. Certainly felt like I had a lot to live up to. So if you’ve narrated before, an extra-special thanks to you!
This has been captainbork15, and it’s been a joy and privilege to narrate for you all today!