Episode 38: Bloody hands, dirtied machines and weeping folk

1: Welcome

Greetings, ladies, gentlemen and otherfolk, and welcome to another episode of the Civ Battle Royale X Season 3. Your narrator for today is BV aka Boki (u/anarcho-balkan on reddit) and I’m very glad to have been given yet another chance to write this. I believe this is the 3rd time this season and 4th time overall that I narrate an episode. If you’ve been following for the past 2 episodes, you’d know that we’re currently in the middle of total war. Will the season end with this cycle, or will total war merely decide which civs get into cycle 2? Unfortunately, that’s not a question this episode will answer. One thing’s for sure though, billions of virtual lives will be lost, whole civilizations will die, and the great empires will demonstrate their power.

Note for the audio-narrator: the o in Boki is pronounced like the o in Holland and the i in Boki as the i in kick

2: Map

As always, here's the map by Virheaa (u/Virheaa)! In addition to the usual thing of being a good snapshot of where we left off last week, this one also doubles as a handy tool to see which areas were devastated the most by total war. I definitely don’t envy Angola and the Anglo-Dutch.

3: OC

Our OC for the week is the customary American Dreams comic by Orange (u/Orangechrisy on reddit), showing Pretty Nose taking out the trash before committing to total war proper.

4: Puno vam hvala!

Once again, a huge thank you to our Ko-Fi donators for making the CBRX possible. If you’re able to (unlike me, I would donate if I could), consider donating some money to the CBRX Ko-Fi page. Even just 1 unit of whatever currency is local where you live helps. I heard you get cool perks too, like early access and the director’s cut. Pretty neat.

5: Power Rankings

For our PR slide, although we could focus on Inca retaining 1st place or Central America getting revived or Bengal, who had the largest rank delta of any already previously alive civ, rising 5 ranks, I’d instead like to shine the spotlight on Mali, rising 3 spots to reach the top 4.

Thus far in total war, they unified Iberia and are making minced meat of the Angolans. Gone are the days when Mali was a laughing stock for failing to invade Tétouan and Yugoslavia’s Saharan cities, even losing cities to the former. They are now not just a great empire and superpower, but a serious contender to win it all. Angola’s general emptiness promises further gains in that direction, but what after that? How well will they fare against the tech giant that is Turkey, or the massive fleets of Brandenburg? Only time will tell.

6: Arabian nights

Off to the show!

In our first action slide, we see Turkey, Afghanistan and Yemen contending for the fate of Arabia.

The Turkish city of Mersin has been wiped off the map, though whether Afghanistan, Yemen or someone even further afield is to blame remains unknown, and might well be ultimately irrelevant. A similar fate was suffered by the originally Assyrian (remember them?) city of Nineveh. (random tangent: I’m always confused by the English spelling of the city, since in Serbocroatian we spell it Niniva)

The Yemeni capital, Sana’a, is in red health but not only is there no unit in range to threaten it, but the city is well protected by a shield of mountain terrain, power armor infantry, battlesuits and a giant death robot, with moral support from two great generals and great engineers each and a settler.

Turkey launches a thrust into the gap in Oman, with a railgun armor and biotrooper taking position between Yemeni Taizz and Afghan Ghazni.

3 Afghan suppercarriers are uselessly anchored nearby Diyarbakir, while a Yemeni advanced destroyer seems to be doing a suicide attack on the Afghan fleet in the Gulf of Oman.

Also, some Chadian destroyers and battleships have come to say hi.

7: It’s Oranging time

Gotta hand it to the Anglo-Dutch. They really turned out to be more competent than anyone, myself included, expected of them this season. Now, their empire lies crippled by the total war (despite Brandenburg being the one to take best advantage of it, I think it’s rather mostly Greenland who’s responsible (yes I am that much of a Brandi anti)), but still alive. I probably would’ve loved AD more if the civ they proved their competence against wasn’t Ireland, whom I liked more than them. Now we see most of their main remaining army launching an incursion into Brandenburg lands, while the remnants of the navy defend from Brandi attacks on the Hague and are trying to contest Oviedo from the Americans. At least England being gone now means there’s an empty buffer on that front, for now.

08: Icy mists

Over in the Arctic, we see the consolidating new conquests of the Brandenburg and Arapaho. Only somewhat surprisingly, Brandi is the one with the upper hand here. Despite a greatly damaged Burlington, their navy is launching an offense against.. what’s the city name? Sukkertoppen? Sounds kinda lewd, ngl.

09: Saharan mechs

A tidal wave, not of ocean water, but advanced Malian units washes over the Sahara. Power armor infantry, battlesuits, railgun armors, drone UAVs and bazookas drown Norman and Angolan cities.

Simultaneously, the Turkish navy moves into the area, making a precarious hold over the Normans’ med cities.

Angola’s last Mediterranean holdout is the Tétouani city of Salé, besieged by Malian units. The Saharan cities of Benguela and the originally Yugoslav Pristina are under serious threat of falling too. What Mali couldn’t conquer in what should’ve been a completely one-sided war against Yugoslavia ages ago is now falling to them easily in total war against the superpower Angola. How times change.

On top of the screen, the former Norman capital of Salerno, until now held by Yugoslavia, is captured by Turkish forces.

Somewhere nearby Belgrade, an overweight guy who volunteered for the Yugoslav People’s Army weeps, knowing Titograd isn’t gonna be Yugoslav ever again.

10: Bienvenudo a Tropico!

MAN.

Multiple cities are wiped off the map in the Caribbean region.

Central America’s brief return to life is squashed beneath the feet of power armor infantry in the service of their ancient rivals, the Muisca.

America is reduced to a two-city, maybe three-city rump, as the Arapaho advance inches onwards. So onwards, in fact, that they’re now fighting the few surviving Muisca units in the region.

Inca advances from the south, as a fleet of advanced destroyers captured Guatavita, and Muisca’s sole undamaged city, Duitama, is threatened by a force of railgun armor, supplemented with battlesuits, power armor infantry and a nexus, equipped with 4 aerial and/or bomb and/or missile units.

Also, since Virheaa neglected to make a eulogy for Greenland, since, reasonably, no one could be sure at any point in time if Greenland was dead or not, I’ve taken the liberty to go through all the slides to see if Greenland captures any city, and since they don’t, I used the existence of a Greenlandic paratrooper in Nicaragua as an excuse to eulogize.

Greenland was never expected to be a great civ, having been ranked 45th in the original rankings. Greenland is usually a religion-focused civ, but oddly enough, it didn’t start a religion in the CBRX, in an interesting mirror to Central America, which is usually atheistic, and yet was one of the earliest founders of a religion this season. Greenland was one of the less active civs this season, but it did see its fair share of wars. Vermont lost their Icelandic city to them, IIRC, and they had a few spats with Ireland, gaining Tralee and Oviedo for their trouble. Oddly enough, Christianshåb, the originally Greenlandic city on Ireland, they didn’t lose in a war with the Irish, but in a stupid peace deal with Mali. Yes, Mali. They fought a few wars with America, which, while Greenlandic defeats, were nowhere near the decisive American victories we expected them to be. It wasn’t until Arapaho invaded Greenland just before total war that they lost their remaining mainland North American territories and some of their own island. In total war, Greenland lost the rest of the homeland, but their huge diaspora army wrecked havoc across the world, even capturing a stray city every now and again, and even briefly reviving Central America. If for nothing else, Greenland will be remembered for their crazy total war showing. For an otherwise boring civ to go out in a blaze of glory, well, it’s quite an achievement. F.

11: Green and gold comes down under

For what may be the first time this season, the colours green and gold come to Australia.

Despite the massive loss of life, and despite having been integrated into Timorese society for many years now, the citizens of Pukearuhe and Djirrildhuray can’t help but feel that… the natural state of things has been established. Why they feel like that, they do not know. It just feels right. But why? Was there a previous world where the area their cities are in were dominated, maybe even founded by a green and gold civ?

Meanwhile, in Antarctica, the Babylonian sub-dwellers snicker, knowing that the citizens of Pukearuhe and Djirrildhuray are correct, but finding it hilarious that those poor souls would never have any way of knowing this.

12: The clash of the green-and-gold titans

The Platine valley area plays host to the main clash of the two titans of South America. Salta seems to be the main area of combat here. The Inca attackers hold a numerical superiority on this front, but the tech advantage goes to the defending Kayapó forces. Notably, the Inca lack any nexi on this front, while the Kayapó have 5. While the Inca still rely mostly on battlesuits, the Kayapó are using GDRs. Which of these two will prevail?

Off to the side, Mali’s army around Recife is being less a threat and more a nuisance to the Kayapó. The same can’t be said about their navy, ironically smaller than the army, which is currently bombarding the former Brazilian capital, Rio de Janeiro. The Kayapó have deployed a biotrooper, nexus and cybersub in defense of the city, and an arsenal ship to slow down any Malian reinforcements, so the city may not fall at all or it might be flipped if it does fall, but the situation is still not ideal.

13: Blue and red

If not the ocean, then at least the rivers flowing into it are surely flowing red with blood in this region, as Angola, Timor-Leste and Yemen exchange blows for the fate of coastal East Africa and Madagascar.

A Yemeni chimera is knocking on the doors of Mombasa, whole battlesuits are approaching Malindi, a Timorese advanced destroyer is committing suicide by Pemba, and a bloody contest for the Zulu capital of Ulundi is being fought by defending Timorese forces against Angolan battlesuits.

14: Ataturk dabbing

Tuva advances deeper into Brandi lands, capturing Svencionys and starting an assault on Palanga.

Meanwhile, a giant Tuvan horde is descending on the Turkish lands in Eastern Europe. Except, they’ve been descending there since the end of episode 36, and have made absolutely ZERO progress. Ataturk is just dabbing on other civs without even doing anything.

“Look at me. I’m holding back the entire Tuvan western army with just garrison forces. And the air force too, I guess, but still. Tech wins over numbers. Suck it, Kuular.” Ataturk posts on whatever the cylinder equivalent to twitter is, with a picture of him dabbing attached.

15: “Mali? More like mali k’diz nuts” - the American missile cruiser in León, probably

America manages to flip back León from Mali in a sign of defiance. It’s probably not gonna last, but it’s definitely admirable.

Elsewhere, a tank and a bazooka arrive at Amsterdam, preparing to make the Normans’ last stand.

16: Welcome to the clusterfuck. May I be your guide?

Han made some gains this turn, with Shuntian secured, Suzuo captured, Tajihi-Sarugake all but guaranteed to flip, and Yoshida-Koriyama, the Mori capital, in capturing range.

The only thing less existent in this slide than Mohave units is Gokturk land units. Which is a shame, since I prefer both of them over Han.

But hey, at least I can force DocIto to say Sakurao for the second time this season. Great success!

17: Oh oof.

Oh oof indeed. Captain Jack’s Stronghold has fallen to the Arapaho, and now they’re making a 3-pronged assault on the Mohave core. The capital, Avi-kwa’ame, is on zero health and almost entirely surrounded.

Mohave has won the hearts of some, myself included, but by this point it won’t win the royale. It likely won’t lose it’s position as a serious contender and great power, but there’s a reason why the pre-Total-War frontrunners were called the Big Four and why they didn’t include the Mohave.

18: Inca sweep

An Incan navy materializes seemingly out of nowhere and joins the battle for Central America, capturing Guatemala City and attacking Kwaparvete, making the Mohave decline even more pressing than Arapaho has already made it be.

19: It’s Timmy Time!

Where Inca had previously looked mightier than Timor-Leste here last episode, now the tides changed. Neither then nor now is the advantage held by one over the other decisive, but yeah. Aotearoa is divided up, with Te Ika-a-Maui and Wharekauri in Incan hands and Te Waipounamu in Timorese hands.

20: Kaan

Turkey captures Ghazni and the Egyptian capital of Akhetaten from Afghanistan and Chad respectively, but perhaps more importantly, Yemen is kicked out of its homeland completely, losing both Taizz and Sana’a to the Turks. They’re not going down without a fight, though, as a small fleet and land force is currently sieging Taizz.

21: Yemeni islands

Yemen moves its capital to Isandlawana, on Madagascar, an island they’ve just kicked Timor out of. They failed to reunite the island, though, as Mombasa no longer exists, and Malindi looks to suffer a similar fate.

22: East med/northeast Africa

Angola managed to capture Moundou from Chad, but that may not even matter soon enough, as Mali has captured Benguela, is sieging Pristina, has cleared out all but one Angolan units and destroyed Palermo. Chad is somehow still alive. Good for them!

23: Indian contest

Having captured Tirunelveli and Kudiramalai, Bengal is hoping to make Afghani gains further west. A small force of chimeras and UAVs is moving towards Korkai, but the main thrust is focused at Multan, prepping the ground for railgun armor and mech artillery to come join in, while a musician plays inspiring war songs to encourage the army.

24: REVOLT!

Two Yemeni sentinels (huh, weird, the unitchart says this unit is called automaton, not sentinel, but whatever) revolt against the Yemeni government in the sands of Somalia. The razing of captured cities have already demonstrated this, but Yemen is dealing with severe unhappiness issues right now. And right now we’re in total war. So this is pretty much the worst time possible to have severe unhappiness issues. Yemen is effectively self-sabotaging right now - not a good look for their chances of survival.

25: Sad Kekkonen noises

In the sub, Urho Kekkonen is saddened by seeing border gore being cleared out in total war.

After besieging the city since last episode, Bengal finally captures Afghanistan’s exclave of Semarang. The effort seems to have exhausted the Bengali forces in the area, as whatever units aren’t on the Kokangese and Afghani fronts rn are now in relative parity with the regional forces of Timor - just the breathing space Timor would need to revitalize its efforts on the western frontier.

26: Us and our neighbours

We, Babylonian sub-dwellers are having yet another visit from the neighbours we originally didn’t want but have grown accustomed to and close to.

Lore Dropdown

While Isabella is still back in Burgos handling the matters of her largely nominal participation in total war, some of her Castilian advisors, including a Ugandan turncoat, have come to one of the sub’s living rooms, to enjoy some drinks and snacks with sub staff, including some leaders from previous royales. Mansur Shah tells tales of both his pan-Pacific empire and his later pan-Indian-ocean empire, while Sakamoto Ryoma shows off his gun collection. The Trung Sisters, meanwhile, are doing a little bit of trolling, aimed at old man Parkes.

The old friends from the Mk2’s Order of Rumps are having a drinking party in the neighbouring room, with Meiji passed out from drinking too much of his trademark God’s sake, while Kamehameha and Sam Houston are in awe of Leonidas’ impressive legs. Songtsan Gampo and David meanwhile are mutually reminiscing on their lives.

27: Britannien

The English buffer grows smaller, as Brandenburg builds the city of Bernau. But for the skirmishes around Oviedo and the Hague, this is a remarkably peaceful part of the cylinder rn.

28: Han-Kokang front

Han has managed to take Fuzhou and Wanchanshu and is laying siege to Shwe Yin See. Despite this, I can’t help but feel like the Han advance against Kokang has been literally painfully slow. For how outnumbered it is, Kokang has held rather well in Total War.

29: I can hear a certain Californian friend of mine making sad noises, and I don’t like it.

Avi’kwa-ame has fallen. I repeat, Avi’kwa-ame has fallen. Arapaho now undeniably holds the edge over Mohave. The density of troops in the area suggests Mohave is likely gonna make a valiant stand in the remaining cities and possibly even contest this capture for a short while, but the clock is ticking, and sooner or later they will be kicked out of their homeland. If I wasn’t as tired as I was, I may have shed a tear or two, but like this, I just feel normal sad.

30: Beringian slapfest

The Arapaho and Gokturks are fighting a largely naval war over the Beringian cities. They seem at a somewhat dynamic stalemate rn.

31: A dying empire :(

Here we see Mohave’s Mexican lands, with their new capital at Huukyámpve. And things… are not looking good at all right now. Arapaho is heading into what’s left of the Mohave core up north, the Incas are attacking from the sea, Arapaho is threatening Selye’aya-ita and Mohave is left with but garrison troops and a few patrols, with no reserves. It’s too early to say the Mohave Empire is in its death throes, but jeez. Things definitely are looking bad for them.

32: Slow and steady

Inca troops finally capture Salta, but the city remains contested. If the Inca are able to clear the area around the city, they have an open road to São Salvador.

In the east, a question arises, which of the following will happen first. Will the Malian battleship die? Or will Rio de Janeiro fall?

33: [insert disintegration emote here]

The Mohave and Gokturks are able to hold Han off while simultaneously fighting each other, but at what cost. Several cities have been either razed or destroyed in nuclear hellfire. Worst of all, one of those cities is the very cool-sounding Sakurao. One of the less-cool-sounding cities to its north is replaced by the Gokturk city of Tashkurghan. Neat.

34: [sad BV noises]

Lore Dropdown

As the Turkish robot infantry is closing in on the city, Tito looks out from the roof of a building in Belgrade. He knows that the end is nigh for him and his people. Soon, he was approached by someone. However, that someone is not an enemy, as he expected. No, an overweight man, wearing Yugoslav military gear, but also some aperture he’s never seen before, not even from the Turks, came. The man speaks “Comrade marshall… it’s time to go now.”. Tito responds “Yes, I know, this is the end of Yugoslavia”. The soldier continues “I’m gonna need you to follow me. We’re going to a place no Yugoslav except me knows about.”. Tito is surprised and confused “Where are we going?”. “The sub” the strange man replies. “The sub?” “Yes.” An awkward pause ensues as they head back down the building. The soldier than speaks “I have to admit. I am not actually a Yugoslav, at least not a Yugoslav of this world. I’m not a volunteer descended from a Titogradian soldier from the second Norman War.”. “Then what are you?” Tito inquires. “I’m from a group of, for the purposes of your world, immortal humans, observing the cylinder. We call ourselves the Babylonians, and we’re based off of a nuclear submarine in Antarctica. I’m not sure if the Castilians or Ugandans ever told anything about us to you.” “The Castilians didn’t tell us anything. The Ugandans did, but we dismissed them as making a discovery up to make their insane leader look good.” “Figures. Anyway, I’m here to take you to where all eliminated leaders go. To join us on the sub. For the rest of this cylinder’s existence and to witness all future cylinders.” “All future cylinders?” Tito shouts in disbelief. “Have there been past ones?” “There sure were! This is the 5th one, though I do not remember the 1st one. All the leaders and some other people from those previous worlds are in the sub too. In fact, the man to conquer the 4th one, Lawtiliwadlin of the Chukchi, is currently captaining the submarine!” Tito remains silent “This… is a lot to take in” “Heh, I thought that’d be your reaction. Don’t worry, me and some other Babylonians waiting for us will take you and what few soldiers, civilians and figures of state would follow us to safety. Then you’ll have an eternity to get used to your new lives.”. Hours later, this group of a few dozen people is gathered, and are taken by Babylonian tech to Antarctica. The Babylonian who joined the Yugoslav army turns to Tito for the last time before they enter the seclusion zone “Welcome aboard!”.

Belgrade has fallen to the Turks, and the last Yugoslav unit in the slide is a submarine, so we can officially call Yugoslavia eliminated at 23rd place. RIP.

Since at least the beginning of the season, probably since the voting for this or maybe even the voting for last season, I’ve been a Yugoslavia fan. That comes as no surprise. I am from Montenegro, a country that used to be one of Yugoslavia’s republics. I’m a leftist, and although of a rather different and hardline anti-authoritarian kind as opposed to the authoritarianism of socialist Yugoslavia, I still held a soft spot for it. Me voting and campaigning for Yugoslavia had a lot to do with IRL history and stuff and little to nothing with the mod.

History Dropdown

A socialist revolution forged from the struggle to liberate the homeland from its fascistic occupiers and their local collaborators resulted in one of the rare occasions in WW2 that a country mostly (tho not completely) was liberated by itself. After that, while still following the trend of a popular front coalition led by a communist party being the only one running in politics, Yugoslavia’s socialism followed a very different direction than the other ML states of the Cold War, especially after 1948 and the Tito-Stalin split. A move to separate the party, front and state from each other and a policy of debureaucratization were pursued, leading to the Yugoslav citizenry to have a level of freedom that, while lesser than that of the liberal democracies in western Europe, was such that people living in most other one-party states and dictatorships in that era could only dream of. Every time people made a protest at what was deemed excess by the state, the Yugoslav state would respond with new laws and, on 4 separate occasions, whole new constitutions to remedy the issue. Not to mention that, in Yugoslavia, collectivization took the form of workers’ self-managment via workers’ councils and elected boards rather than simply nationalizing everything under a state bureaucracy. Yugonostalgia still exists for a reason, as for most regular people back then, before the economic crisis and the 90s wars, life was good. There’s a reason one of my uni professors, Šerbo Rastoder, told me when I passed his History of Yugoslavia exam this semester that “Colleague Boris, if only you were alive in that time. I think you would’ve loved it.”.

I like to imagine that, any time Yugoslavia wasn’t in a relevant war in the CBRX S3, life was more or less just like that, just at varying different tech levels across time. A nice existence. And yet, when we went to war, we fought furiously. The first Norman war saw us march into Messina. We fought two wars with Brandenburg that ended up indecisive. The Malian war should’ve been hopeless, and yet we held onto our distant Saharan cities, Split and Pristina, by the sheer incompetence of our enemy. The Normans and Brandenburgers then descended on us together. We lost our Saharan cities, we lost Titograd, my hometown, and had to concede peace. But, we didn’t give up. Far from falling to the mightiest European civ, we took the fight to the Brandenburgers. We captured Potsdam, we captured Königsberg, heck, we almost captured Berlin. But, as great as Tito and Yugoslavia were at war, Tito was bad at peace deals. Not only did we make a stupid peace deal in which we gave up our Brandenburgian conquests, we even gave the enemy a backdoor at Messina. When the Brandenburgers came knocking again, this time with Anglo-Dutch and Greenlandic support, we fought tenaciously. Zagreb was destroyed in the war, but we held on. We held on, until we couldn’t any longer. Losing Skopje in the war and Ljubljana and a recaptured Messina in the peace deal, we were now relegated to just Belgrade and Sarajevo. And yet, we still got our last hurrah by capturing the Norman capital of Salerno and the city of Melfi, getting to keep the former in a peace deal. Total war then came, and although in a position between Brandenburg and Turkey this was always gonna be a hopeless fight, we nevertheless gave our best to fight, even taking Melfi from the Normans again. We slowly lost, but we made the Brandenburgers and Turks pay for each meter of soil in blood. Against all odds, we were able to retake our capital after our perennial švabe* enemies had previously captured it, and then held it to the bitter end, when the Turks arrived. Yugoslavia may have fallen, but it went down fighting a last stand. The guiding star of brotherhood and unity never wavered, not even in these darkest days, the days of total war.

* note for audio-narrator: š = sh, abe pronounced like the Abe in Shinzo Abe

The Yugoslav and working people, the Serb, Croat, Muslim, Macedonian, Slovene and Montenegrin nations, the Albanian, Hungarian, Turkish, Slovak, Romanian, Bulgarian, Rusyn, Czech, Italian, Ukrainian, German, Russian and Polish nationalities, all Yugoslavia held until the very end. Until we couldn’t hold no longer. For all the blunders Yugoslavia and Tito have done (cough, Brandenburg peace deals, cough), they’ve truly made me proud with their performance this season. Not in the way that the me from back when the season started would’ve hoped, but they’ve made me proud nonetheless. The last Yugoslav survivors heading into the Babylonian sub right now should get in with their heads held high. They’ve earned that.

Finally, for the last bit of this slide, I’m gonna put up the English translation of the lyrics of a song. While in the original it was sung in a positive, happy, celebratory manner, I think the text is still good for the purposes of being recited in a more solemn, almost tragic tone, too.

When I look at our sea,

Our rivers, our mountains,

All the beauty where I was born,

And all I could say,

I’ve written on my heart,

Long Live Yugoslavia!

Land of peace, land of Tito,

Land brave and proud,

All the World knows of you,

We love you, our mother,

We won’t give you to anyone,

Long Live Yugoslavia!

That’s where marshal Tito was born,

Our name of pride,

As a hero known to the whole World,

The land is blessed for having him,

They’d be remembered for centuries,

Long Live Yugoslavia!

*breaks down crying*

35: Bengali gains

Bengal captures the Pandyan capital of Madurai, while more Afghani-controlled Pandyan cities are whipped off the map. Multan is looking mighty threatened right now. Afghanistan isn’t giving up though, threatening Kudiramalai.

36: No sunset invasion

Mali predictably recaptures León, while the Oviedo standoff between the AD and the US is brought to an end when a wild Brandenburg appears to ruin all the fun by capturing the city for itself. Those fuckers. I hope Turkey wipes the floor with them. In any case, this means that America is officially thrown out of Europe, leaving them with just one or two Caribbean cities to their name.

37: The rumps at the crossroads

Stuck between the two great powers that just kicked the Americans off the Afro-Eurasian landmass are the Anglo-Dutch remnants and the Norman city-state.

The Normans are still conducting their last stand at Amsterdam, surrounded by Malians, who, instead of putting the Old Fox out of his misery, have chosen to swarm his lands with UAVs instead. By this point, Mali has proven they’re not the incompetent idiots they once were, so this is just trolling by this point. Whether it’s trolling the Normans or us is beyond the understanding of anyone except Sundiata and his closest confidants.

The Anglo-Dutch, meanwhile, get back at the Brandenburgers for all the trouble they’ve caused them in total war by capturing Königsberg. Berlin and Potsdam also have a little bit of damage too. Could the AD get one last blaze of glory before being crushed by the Malians, Brandenburgers and maybe even Turks? Let’s wait and see.

38: Caribbean clusterfuck

As Arapaho makes landfall in South America with the capture of Bacata, and as the Kayapó are now visually confirmed to have retaken Fusagasuga, we see America make its own last stand at the formerly Chilean La Serena, surrounded by Arapaho nexi, their fleet engaging an actually useful supercarrier, and nanohives appearing above the city.

Elsewhere, Duitama has lost its defenders and a lot of its city defense score, but no Inca unit is directly threatening the city. The Muisca capital of Hunza is also basically defenseless, but under no direct threat yet either. The only Muisca unit on this slide that isn’t an air/bomb/missile unit is a power armour infantry in far away Nicaragua.

39: Well, at least they didn’t fall to the Arapaho

I only just noticed that a whole city in the area ceased to exist. RIP to all those people I guess.

In more important news, the Mohave Empire further implodes as the Inca capture Huukyámpve and Aha Kwi Nyamasave.

Bamaste 🙏

The Mohave Army of Mexico is now but a ring of units, while the Mohave core is holding strong against Arapaho assaults.

Taking a glance on Mohave’s state on the minimap, I find it absolutely hilarious how Avi Mota, way away in the Tarim Basin, is still holding on lmfao.

40: Timor Stronk

Timor-Leste flexes its muscle by taking all of Bengal’s gains in Sumatra, kicking them off the island completely. If total war wasn’t an everyone vs everyone conflict, I would’ve said they’ve sent a force to join in some Afghan survivors at Semarang, but like this, it’s a three way contest for the city. A contest I predict Timor will win.

41: A break in the freeze

After attacking the area for roughly an episode and a half, the Tuvans finally, FINALLY, make a break through against Turkey, capturing the city of Birzai. The city is by no means secure just yet, as two biotroopers are next to the city, ready to retake it, but Tuva has proven that they can make Turkey bleed.

42: Malian colonialism

In a stark reversal from the state of things early this episode, it’s now the Malian navy that’s a mere nuisance to the Kayapó, while the Malian army is a legitimate threat, having already captured Mekrãgnoti and threatening Ubate. The Kayapó are contesting the Malians here heavily, but this is still concerning if you’re a Kayapó fan.

43: Ceterum censeo Arapahos sum delendam

Agawesh falls, as Arapaho troops are slowly but surely thinning out the Mohave home defense.

44: Muisca at death’s door

Inca captures Duitama and settles Qalla Q’asa in Panama, while San Salvador is wiped off the map, presumably by the Arapaho. Muisca now stands as a defenseless city-state in Hunza, as Incan nexus, biotroopers, nanohives and railgun armour approach. The end is nigh.

45: Clash of titans

Inca captures Minyanbal, but their hold on Australia looks less secure than last we’ve seen. Minyabal is surrounded by Timorese units, Djirrildhuray is standing undefended in the face of a Timorese assault. Furthermore, Timor has gained a naval edge in this region, heavily damaging Eugowra and Horahora, but unable to capture either due to having no melee vessels. At least, I don’t think arsenal ships are melee? Correct me in the comments if I’m wrong.

46: A bleeding giant

Whatever few military units Angola had for offensive moves against Yemen and Timor-Leste have all been destroyed. The only Angolan military units on this slide are two battlesuits who are way too far away from the front, an arsenal ship that will soon get in a fight with its Timorese counterparts, a near dead supercarrier, and that aircraft or bomb or missile in Francistown.

With no serious Angolan opposition, and barely any Angolan opposition to speak of, Yemen secures Kilwa Kisiwani, Kilwa’s original capital, while Timor-Leste captures Umgungundlovu and Serowe, as well as Gaborone, Botswana’s capital.

Also, considering the lack of other melee units around the former two, I think I stand corrected - arsenal ships are indeed melee vessels.

47: The Mediterranean Front

Scratch what I said earlier, Palermo is not the Norman city that got wiped off the map. Checking the slides of the last episode I narrated (22), it’s actually Catania. Sorry for the confusion. I forgot Catania was even a thing. It’s entirely my fault.

Anyways, here we see that a dynamic frontline has developed between the large and advanced Malian army and the much smaller but slightly more advanced Turkish armed forces. Although this might well qualify for a similar quality vs quantity clash as Turkey VS Tuva, here the tech gap is far smaller, barely existing I’d dare say, so the quality part of the equation may well not matter. Turkey’s saving grace here is that Mali doesn’t seem to have nexi and barely has any navy in the Mediterranean, so it can hope to ravage any embarked units Mali throws at them, while also enjoying a strong unit supporting from above.

48: The Libyan desert

Turkey conquers Sarh and Aouzou, eliminating Chad.

Chad got into the royale mostly because of its easy-to-meme name. I mean, literally, look at its civball. It’s just a gigachad face with the Chadian colours and symbols! And I’m definitely one of the people responsible for that memetic drive, both during voting, choosing which civs I’d root for this season, and being one of those encouraging whoever made the civball to make it. Their only real achievements were taking some Egyptian land, trapping Uganda into its mountains and eliminating Egypt when they finally decided they wanted Akhetaten. After that, they just sat there as their neighbours got stronger. They had an indecisive slapfight with the Normans, but that’s pretty much it. They were later invaded by Angola, and although they gave it their best shot, they were ultimately defeated and suffered a humiliating peace deal, which essentially made them the new Egypt. They proceeded to just sit there until total war. They managed to survive Angola, and their fleet was even able to become a nuisance to Turkey and Yemen, but that and their relatively dense carpet could only postpone the inevitable. Angola finally managed to take Moundou, and then Turkey finally came in force, and Chad could never survive that. Now their last cities fall to Turkey. F.

But, judging from the state of things on this slide, Chad’s last holdouts may not stay Turkish for long. Aouzou is surrounded on three sides by the Malian tidal wave and UAVs and helicopter gunships are approaching Sarh. Or they’re only flanking Moundou, but I don’t see the need for that, as the city’s only defence is a mech artillery. That and the one at the southern edge of the screenshot also happen to be the only Angolan units on this slide, too. While the situation is more up to question northwest of here, here Mali has an undeniable edge over Turkey.

49: Afghani Counteroffensive

Bengal has lost a lot of units fighting its way into Afghanistan, and now its largest army is in far away Madurai. Afghanistan uses the chance to use its revitalized army to take Kudiramalai and then advances forward. Tirunelveli is being assaulted by biotitans, I believe the first we’ve seen this season - an upgrade of the chimera. Elsewhere, an army of chimeras, biotitans, automata and railgun armor passes right by Nasirabad and Dhaka and goes right for the Bengali capital of Murshidabad, which, given its much lower population in comparison with other Bengali cities, has probably been nuked. With only two chimeras to defend it, Bengal may well lose its capital soon.

And to think that earlier this episode I feared the Afghanis may lose most of their Indian holdings. Look at them go!

Things are also looking worse for Bengal on the eastern front, as two Timorese cybersubs are raiding the Bay of Bengal virtually unopposed.

50: So much for fighting the MPLA

Jonas Savimbi, what are you doing? It’s total war, why do you have so few units? There’s only 7 Angolan military units on this slide, compared with 13 Yemeni and 36 Malian. I don’t remember seeing an empire of such a big size before a war screw up its wartime priorities THIS BADLY in any CBR.

Malanje and Moundou can fall to Mali at any moment, and Kuito is taking damage from a Yemeni force. A Yemeni power armor infantry and battlesuit are even ranging deep into the heart of Africa uncontested, with just a half-dead battlesuit to deal with them. I thought the revolt and other unhappiness issues Yemen seems to be having will kneecap them, but in the end, it may not even matter a whole lot for the time being, as Angola is faring so much worse it's not even funny anymore.

51: The dragon roars

An amphibious landing aided by a small fleet results in Han conquering Long Htan. I hope this doesn’t give the CCP any ideas. But yeah, Han seems to finally be breaking the Kokangese stalemate. Saungkang seems next on the chopping block.

Timor is watching.

52: The sun sets on the American Empire

La Serena falls to an Arapaho assault, and no American unit seems to have survived, so they’re definitely dead now.

America was once a strong contender for North America. They kneecapped and rumpified Vermont and the Semiole. They later fought Central America over the Caribbean, and would eventually eliminate both civs that they’ve rumpified. They fought victorious though not necessarily decisive wars with Greenland. A hyped up naval war with Brandenburg came out inconsequential. They lost their Scottish colony at Baltimore to Ireland, but they made up for it by taking León from Castile. I remember them fighting against the Cree in the Greater Lakes region, for some reason. Their biggest test was an Arapaho war, and despite being on the backfoot early on, they managed to make the neutral giant bleed in an impressive counteroffensive, before ultimately being pushed back into the coast, losing some cities and giving some others in the peace deal. America gave one hell of a fight in total war, but ultimately, they couldn’t resist the Arapaho war machine. F.

Elsewhere Arapaho is attacking Fusagasuga, while the Inca attack on Hunza is faltering, not because the Muisca can defend themselves, but because Arapaho has outflanked them and captured Duitama.

53: Welcome to the new Mohave core!

Mohave’s homeland and Mexican lands may be falling, but you know what’s holding strong? The Mohave’s Hawaiian and Mariana territories! Granted, this is more because basically nobody in this screenshot has a big military force in the region, but still. Mohave’s new capital now is Avi Hamoka, on the isle of *reads Lacsirax Ariscal’s CBRX 3 Google Maps project* wait, Ogasawara? Isn’t that in the Bonin archipelago? I thought there was no Bonin archipelago in CBRX… WTF IS THIS!

54: Cheers, I’ll drink to that bro

Timor has not only retaken control over Queensland, but has gone on the offensive and captured Horahora and Pirongia. Inca’s second core in Polynesia might soon be in trouble, seeing as their Melanesian lands are already starting to fall.

55: Yemen is back

In an insane fuck you to both Turkey and their own unhappiness issues, Yemen has recaptured its capital, Sana’a, which doesn’t seem to be under any immediate threat either.

More concerningly, the rebelling automaton in Somalia seems to have been joined by a SETTLER.

It probably won’t happen, but god, imagine if that rebel settler settles a city in the African wasteland.

56: Boom. Headshot

As I’ve expected, Afghanistan has captured Murshidabad, with Shujah-ud-Din Mohammad Khan fleeing with his gov’t to Kolkata. The city is still not fully secured by Afghan troops, but a flip happening seems less likely than a flip not happening. Furthermore, the Afghans are now sieging Dhaka. I don’t like Bengal’s chances now.

57: Deserted island

Mali seems to have destroyed an Angolan colony on the island of Ascension. RIP. Also, Malanje has fallen to Mali.

58: Fuck’s sake

Oh come on! You already eliminated America! You could’ve let the Inca eliminate the Muisca!. *sigh*

The Arapaho capture Hunza, eliminating the Muisca.

The Muisca was somewhat decent-looking early on. They fought a technically indecisive war with the Kayapó, capturing Baú but losing Ubate. They brought Central America to the brink of destruction. They took the Brazilian colony of Olinda. They had their fun. But then they just sat there. Doing nothing. They could’ve fought a naval war against America for dominance of the Caribbean, but they didn’t. They could’ve gotten involved in the Inca-Kayapó War as a kingmaker, but they didn’t. They just… sat there. Until Kayapó invaded and took Baú and Iraca. Then Total War started, and the Muisca initially looked like they would give a good, if ultimately doomed fight, but by the end they were left with no units on the ground or sea and just 2 air units. And the rest, as they say, is history. F.

59: A ray of hope

The Mohave are… actually holding out better than we last saw them. Their Mexican army is now reduced to just a nexus and a near dead battlesuit, but the Inca navy aren’t the threat they once were, and I believe their home army has actually increased since we’ve last seen it, putting up a more or less equal fight to the Arapaho invaders. I wouldn’t go as far as to say they can turn this around, but they’re truly giving it their all.

60: MADagascar

Yemen destroyed Malindi. Well, they must really hate Kilwan cities, I guess. Were they the ones that started the Kilwa Delenda Est movement way back when? IDK.

Afghanistan of all people is trying to attack Jibla.

61: West European clusterfuck

The Normans continue their last stand. By this point I think Sundiata just enjoys torturing Guiscard.

Mali captures Bari, has broken the AD frontline near Utrecht, and is knocking on the doors of Skopje and Titograd.

Turkey, meanwhile, took Sarajevo, the one Yugoslav city most likely to like them.

The AD, meanwhile, are continuing their advance into Brandenburg, bringing Berlin to half-health! Can they achieve what Yugoslavia couldn’t?

62: Africa

Yemen captures Kuito and predictably sets it ablaze. The Timorese navy, though small, outnumbers the Yemenis in this region. I predict Yemen will be taking Kampala soon enough. The rebel automaton is dead, but the settler is still alive. The Yemeni caravan north of Mbarara seems to have been conducting physics experiments, creating a black hole in the region. It’d be really funny and scary if that’s how the cylinder ends.

Uh oh, this won’t be good for the economy.

Thankfully, the trout population proved resilient.

Y’know the kind of memes I’m talking about.

63: The three blues

I’m honestly not sure if the situation in east Siberia has changed any since the last time we’ve seen it, back last episode. All I do know is that things aren’t looking up for the Gokturks here. Especially now that Arapaho has started invading from the east. Shiraoi will fall to Han shortly.

64: Kayapó hurting

Welp, scratch what I said earlier about Mekrãgnoti, because it’s wiped off the map. Also I believe Kremoro and Gorotire got nuked. Whether Mali, Inca or Arapaho is to blame we can’t know, and it’s probably irrelevant anyways.

65: Music

Kwaparvete and Huukyámpve fall to Inca once again, and Guatemala City seems certain to follow. The latter two are contested.

66: If you listen very closely you can hear me laughing at Brandi’s dismemberment

Turkey captures Ljubljana, Magdeburg and Gardinas, and pushes deeper into the undefended Brandenburgian lands.

God, I hope AD captures Berlin.

The Yugoslav submarine in the Adriatic is still alive.

67: Melanesian waves

Eugowra (hidden by the Tuvan thing in the corner), Taumaranui and Whatiwhatihoe fall to Timor-Leste. The rest of Melanesia is doubtless to follow. Meanwhile, a Timorese submarine reaches Puka Tampu in what I believe to be Tonga, making the first Timorese incursion into a part of Polynesia that isn’t Aotearoa.

68: Timorese South Africa

Timor captured Francistown and is advancing with a large force north. Angolan resistance is almost nonexistant.

69: A tiger disemboweled

With Dhaka falling, the Afghans now turn to the surrounded city of Nasirabad. With only one aircraft to defend it against a sea of automata, chimeras and biotitans, the city is doomed.

Elsewhere, Tuva seems to have retaken Izhma from the Han, while Afghan biotitans and chimeras are attacking Htin Par Keng.

The graveyard of empires indeed.

70: Now that’s a lotta damage!

Shuntian and Fuzhou appear to have been nuked out of the cylinder. Meanwhile, the Han attack on Saugkang seems to have failed, only partly thanks to the Kokangese defenders. The other part is a wild Mohave fleet appearing outta nowhere to rain on their parade.

71: More med fighting!

Salé and Palermo are captured by Mali, who keeps on advancing against Turkey, who seems to have finally found its match. Meanwhile, Robert Guiscard is in Amsterdam’s cathedral, complaining to God that he wishes for death, but keeps not dying. If he only knew that a Babylonian operative is listening, ready to ruin his day when Amsterdam does fall.

72: HA!-n

Another Han city was nuked off the map. Considering how huge a carpet Han had going into total war, it’s kinda surprising seeing the Han Empire so empty now. By this point, I’d bet for a Tuvan breakthrough somewhere on the Ötüken - Chengdu - Qarakhoja line.

73: The funny city

Despite losing Nar Le to Tuva last episode (you mistook your pre-Total-War Central Asian borders during your narration, Vihreaa), the Mohave exclave in the region is still alive. In fact, it’s not even the city most likely to change hands in this slide, as a large Tuvan contingent is descending on Samagaltay. Wouldn’t it be funny if Avi Mota held out longer than the Mohave’s Californian cities?

74: Tundra warfare

Tuva has lost much of its carpet, unable to breach Turkey beyond Birzai. Heck, their force in Kola has failed to capture Palanga from Brandi this entire episode.

75: The Steppe front

On the steppelands of Eurasia, Turkey has gained a numbers advantage over Tuva, and is advancing on Cherdyn and Jaxartes. Despite the fact that Tuva has thus far gained a city against Turkey without losing any to Turkey in the process, I think we’ve gotten our confirmation by this point: quality > quantity.

76: Timor Time

Timor captured Inti Watana, but otherwise little has changed on this front. Timor definitely holds an edge here, but they seem to have taken a page out of Inca’s strategy in South America, except more successful and a bit faster. See: title of slide 32.

77: We Stan the Afghans

Turkey seems to have captured Pul-i-Alam a while back, but by this point it’d appear that Afghanistan has taken back control of the situation in… basically every front it has. In this turn alone, Durrani has captured 3 cities from 3 of his enemies - Nasirabad from Bengal, Htin Par Keng from Kokang and, as seen on the part of the map visible here, Ghazni from Turkey. Both Ghazni and Pul-i-Alam seem contested right now, as does Kabul. Meanwhile, Yemen has retaken Taizz.

78: Bruh moment

In their rush to capture the undefended Berlin, the AD have overextended, allowing Brandi to take AD’s capital, The Hague. It’d take a while before AD can bring a power armor infantry over to retake the city (which if you follow the minimap, you’ll know they will before the episode is over), leaving William to take residence in London instead.

Meanwhile, Mali is slowly moving to surround Utrecht.

Off to the side, a Turkish GDR approaches.

79: Desert slapfight

Mali captures Aouzou, though there are still plenty of Turkish units around to contest it. Sarh is much less defended by Turkey, but Mali doesn’t seem that interested in it yet. How Angola has been able to keep Moundou this long is beyond me.

80: Okhotsk Trouble

Having retaken one of their own snow cities a little while back, the Arapaho now strike at Hokkaido and capture the former Ainu capital, Sat Poro Pet, from the Gokturks.

It seems that that one coastal city that served as the Gokturks’ provisional capital has been nuked off the map, forcing Bumin to move inland to Bolchu.

81: Is it funny?

Hokusave and Aha Kwahwat fall to the Arapaho. There’s still some Mohave units around, fighting along the deserts and river valleys and they can still flip Aha Kwahwat, but the Mohave core is as good as gone. The Mexican and Baja settlements are surely next.

82: Aotearoa burning

Oh, so *that’s* why there was no change to the frontline on the slides showing the area north of here for a long time. It’s because Inca has actually retaken Pukawa and Te Tokanganui. I’m not sure how long that’s gonna last though. That’s a good number of Timorese ships and a small but tough land force coming. Indeed, next slide will show Pukawa falling to Timor offscreen.

83: Incroyable!

Timor’s African army pushes north, capturing Angola’s last port city of Moçâmedes, as well as the Angolan capital of Huambo. Savimbi flees north into Luanda, but he’s not safe there either, as the Malians are approaching.

84: Timor keeps on winning

Timor has also captured Semarang and the former Cambodian capital of Phnom Penh. Next stop: Patna and Cavite el Viejo.

And with that, my friends, we’ve come to the end of another exciting episode of the Civ Battle Royale X Season 3.

From the deaths of Greenland, Central America, Yugoslavia, Chad, America and Muisca, to the ongoing collapse of Angola, Mohave, Bengal and Gokturks, to Afghanistan, Mali, Turkey, Arapaho, Inca and Timor proving themselves to be absolute monsters, to the plucky Anglo-Dutch making Brandi bleed, to whatever the fuck Yemen is doing, we’ve seen it all.

I hope you enjoyed this episode, and I’ll see you soon… somewhere. Have a pleasant day, week, etc. etc.

Buh-bye.

Episode 38: Bloody hands, dirtied machines and weeping folk – S3

Abstract

1: Welcome

2: Map

3: OC

4: Puno vam hvala!

5: Power Rankings

6: Arabian nights

7: It’s Oranging time

08: Icy mists

09: Saharan mechs

10: Bienvenudo a Tropico!

11: Green and gold comes down under

12: The clash of the green-and-gold titans

13: Blue and red

14: Ataturk dabbing

15: “Mali? More like mali k’diz nuts” - the American missile cruiser in León, probably

16: Welcome to the clusterfuck. May I be your guide?

17: Oh oof.

18: Inca sweep

19: It’s Timmy Time!

20: Kaan

21: Yemeni islands

22: East med/northeast Africa

23: Indian contest

24: REVOLT!

25: Sad Kekkonen noises

26: Us and our neighbours

27: Britannien

28: Han-Kokang front

29: I can hear a certain Californian friend of mine making sad noises, and I don’t like it.

30: Beringian slapfest

31: A dying empire :(

32: Slow and steady

33: [insert disintegration emote here]

34: [sad BV noises]

35: Bengali gains

36: No sunset invasion

37: The rumps at the crossroads

38: Caribbean clusterfuck

39: Well, at least they didn’t fall to the Arapaho

40: Timor Stronk

41: A break in the freeze

42: Malian colonialism

43: Ceterum censeo Arapahos sum delendam

44: Muisca at death’s door

45: Clash of titans

46: A bleeding giant

47: The Mediterranean Front

48: The Libyan desert

49: Afghani Counteroffensive

50: So much for fighting the MPLA

51: The dragon roars

52: The sun sets on the American Empire

53: Welcome to the new Mohave core!

54: Cheers, I’ll drink to that bro

55: Yemen is back

56: Boom. Headshot

57: Deserted island

58: Fuck’s sake

59: A ray of hope

60: MADagascar

61: West European clusterfuck

62: Africa

63: The three blues

64: Kayapó hurting

65: Music

66: If you listen very closely you can hear me laughing at Brandi’s dismemberment

67: Melanesian waves

68: Timorese South Africa

69: A tiger disemboweled

70: Now that’s a lotta damage!

71: More med fighting!

72: HA!-n

73: The funny city

74: Tundra warfare

75: The Steppe front

76: Timor Time

77: We Stan the Afghans

78: Bruh moment