Civ Battle Royale August 02, 2023
Goatbaby
Countless lives are lost as the civs that remain are locked in a dance of death, slowly drowning the cylinder in a area of sweat and blood.
Hello, people of the CBR! This is goatbaby, the returning narrator, and I have come to bring you the thirty ninth episode of Civilization Battle Royale, Season Three: Total War Edition! I don’t have much to say, so just prepare yourself for a lighting round of death and destruction as we edge ever closer to the final resolution, and with it, our winner.
Here is this week’s map by Vihreaa! Look at all those holes in the map. Mm mm mm.
And here is this week’s map by our very own Orange! Starring: The Mohave and their virtual idol! It’s good to see Mohave Miku Again.
Of course, we couldn’t do this without the patrons on Ko-Fi. It is because of them that the CBR has gone on for as long as it has, and their help will help it go for even longer. Thank you.
Pretty Nose gets back her rightful place on the top of the rankings. The Arapaho have some crazy stats, a finished tech tree, and several footholds in places they could expand into. It makes me very happy to see that they still had a great come up despite their, uh, stumbling block, when I last narrated. A woman has never won the CBR before, and neither has a Native American, so that's reason enough for me to cheer for Arapaho.
This episode’s first slide takes us to Central Asia, where Afghanistan is desperately defending its western border from Turkey. Lashkargah and Sar-e-Pol have already fallen, while Kabul and Pul-e-Alam look ready to fall. More worryingly though, Kandahar, the Afghan capital, seems like it could fall. Turkey does have fewer land units on the field, but the afghans are on the backfoot. It is quite impressive that Ataturk is still dominating his neighbors on all sides with such a small army.
Japan, at one point a great melting pot between the many cultures that had come to the island, is now a war-torn wasteland. Despite the massive loss of life and the literal flattening of many cities, the fight continues on. Mohave biotroopers push north in a massive banzai attack, threatening to push the Gokturks all the way to Tashkurgan, a city hastily constructed by the Gokturks to house the many refugees from other destroyed cities. And while the Mohave warriors in their monstrous bug-like biosuits relentlessly attack Gokturk garrison forces, the Han empire launches drone strikes from air bases in Korea.
All across the islands of Japan, the native Japanese and Ainu shed endless tears as they watch their homes and culture be trampled by these foreign powers. When a winner is decided and the dust finally settles, will they even remain?
On a small island off of the Pandyan coast, an intrepid group of Timorese settlers found the city of Ataúro. Tired of the constant war that has engulfed the cylinder, they have come to this island to find peace. They hope hiding here will allow them and their children to live freely and not be conscripted into the meat grinder that is total war. But have they gone far enough away? Just across the water, the Timorese navy lays siege to several Bengali island cities, and Bengal’s last holdout in south India is wracked with unrest. War has touched every corner of the cylinder, to the northern reaches of Siberia to the islands of the antarctic. I doubt that the people of Ataúro will be able to enjoy peace for very long.
Over in East Africa, Yemen has joined the other powers in the area in tearing apart Angola, having taken most of what was once Kilwa and Uganda. I’m not a huge fan of the Yemenis, but they have definitely earned at least my respect from their performance thus far in total war.
As for Angola, their army seems to be completely nonexistent. In fact, they have more settlers on the field than combat units! They also have Timor, Mali, and the aforementioned Yemenis bearing down on them. The Angolans clawed their way out of mediocrity in an impressively short time only to completely implode during total war. Brutal stuff.
In the arctic, Yemen’s colony Najran is being blockaded by a large Afghan fleet. The city is in the yellow, and there is only one battlemech defending it. Will the Afghans go in for the kill quickly, or will they starve the cold, hungry Yemenis out?
Here we have our first look at the Americas, where the Arapaho, the Inca, and the Mohave are battling it out in Mexico. Mohave biotroopers make a push for Avi Kwa Ame while the Arapaho simultaneously attack Aha Kwi Nyamasave. The Inca have captured Huukyampve, but their hold on the city looks tenuous at best.
At the behest of his advisors, Irataba left his home continent and is now running what is left of his empire from one of his pacific island cities. Despite the obvious need to not fall into Arapaho hands, he hates himself for doing it. He feels like a coward, like he betrayed his people by leaving them to their fate,and letting his home and their home be taken. Even as he looks out from his palace at the beautiful beaches and clear waters of the pacific islands, he can’t help but feel… empty. This isn’t home. This isn’t his beloved Mohave desert. He wants to go home, and he hopes that he can one day, but there is something in the back of his head that tells him that he may never see his Mohave ever again.
Castilian scouts have reported to Isabella that there has been an increase in naval activity close to the miniscule, 3-pop city of Burgos. Alarmed by this news, she and several bodyguards take a trip to the sub and have a talk with Nebuchadnezzar.
“What do you want us to do about it?” Nebuchadnezzar asks.
“Our technology is not sufficient enough to make a proper show of force to deter these invaders, so, God forgive me for asking this, we ask you to use whatever witchcraft you have here with you to do it for us.” She explains.
He sighs. “I’m sorry, Isabella, but we can’t do that. Your settling so close to our sub has already put us in a dangerous position, and that would certainly not make the situation better.”
“Grrr.” Isabella starts. “Fine, you keep your devil worship to yourself! A day will come when God will punish you and everyone in this sub!” She continues as she exits through the hallway towards the hatch of the sub, but Nebby cant make out what she is saying. He stays silent for a second, and then turns to Semiramis.
“You know, I’m sort of going to miss her when this is all over.”
Hulking Arapaho nexuses cast great shadows over the waters of the Atlantic, slowly moving towards the Kayapo island megalopolises. (Megalopoli? I don’t know.) It seems as though Fusagasuga may fall, but the Arapaho, in their haste to take it, left La Serena completely undefended. After they take Fusagasuga, they might need to double back and retake La Serena.
Other than Fusagasuga, (I hope you’re enjoying having to say that so many times) it seems that the Kayapo are still in about the same state as they were going into the total war. For being the sick man of South America, they are doing pretty good for themselves so far. Make no mistake though, this sickness, though slow, will eventually claim them.
Total war has finally given the Timorese colonial forces in Africa an opportunity to drive north across the Angolan border, and drive they did. They have blitzed all of Angola’s Botswanan holdings and are now pushing into what is left of the Angolan core. Soon enough, they’re gonna border Mali.
Angolan high command is in shambles, with nothing but a settler on the field. No one has heard anything from Savimbi either. When will he come out of hiding and try to rally the Angolan people? Will he? Is he even in Angola anymore? All while these questions are asked, the Timorese army gains more and more ground. Angola is not long for this world, I’d say.
Timor is the least of Sundiata’s worries right now, though, as the Turks have landed in North Africa and are wreaking havoc. Malian armor, power armor infantry and UAVs are no match for the far more advanced Turkish army. Sundiata needs to close that tech gap and fast if he wants to stay in the game.
The Anglo-Dutch general bursts through the door just as William is getting his bob cut finished.
“Sir!” He says.
“What are you interrupting me for?” William asks, motioning for the barber to stop cutting.
“We’re pushing on Berlin. It’s working!”
“What?” He says, standing up and knocking the barber’s tools to the floor.
“It’s true. The Brandenburgers are putting up little resistance.”
“Ha! Fuck you Fredrick!” William laughs.
As the two speak, Anglo-Dutch power armor infantry brings Berlin down to the yellow. Not only is Berlin lightly defended, but so is Potsdam. The Anglo-Dutch could certainly take both cities, but they would then have to deal not only with Brandenburg, but also with the Turkish army that is quickly advancing through eastern Germany. He can take the Brandenburgers, but I don’t think Turkey is a fight that William can win.
Even as Turkey pushes into Afghanistan’s western suburbs, the Afghan army still pushes east, striking at Olive Yang’s central Asian cities. Olive has been having a rough go of it during total war, but will Afghanistan be the one to finally put Kokang in the graveyard of empires?
The Arapaho have landed in South America, gaining a foothold in the former Muiscan cities of Bacata and Duitama. Still, they have failed to take Fusagasuga yet.
Things haven’t been the same for the Kayapó ever since the Great Incan War, but Raoni and his people are still determined to defend their homeland to the last. In Kremoro, Raoni gives a speech to a massive crowd of millions of citizens.
“We will kill these invaders on the coasts, and if they drive us out of the coasts, we will continue to kill them in the cities, and if we are driven out of our cities, we will go back to the jungles, where our fathers lived, and we will kill them there too!”
The crowd erupts into applause, but many still have their doubts. Invasion of Kayapo territory had been the norm for generations, but could they finally end it? Can they force back the Malians, Inca, and Arapaho? Only time will tell if they indeed will or if Raoni is going to eat his words.
Inca is now on the defensive as Timor pushes into Melanesia, capturing Maynggu Ganai and Inti Watana. Incan units are very sparse while Timor has a large array of combat units in the area. If Tupac doesn’t reinforce the area and the Timorese take it, the Incan pacific core is basically open to them. The Timorese looked like they were going to let Australia fall at the beginning of total war. How the tables have turned.
The thunder of war rolls through the steppe as Turkey several Tuvan cities in quick succession. This slide really shows how outclassed Tuva is. They’re still sporting field artillery, mobile SAMs and rail gun armor against Turkey’s biotroopers, not to mention their smaller population. They do however seem to have a good amount of units in reserve, but Kuular needs to send them to the front ASAP. Still, I think it’s only a matter of time before Tuva gets rumped. An empire that topped the power rankings for so long consigned to such a fate is a sad thing to see.
Here we have a look at what remains of Bengal after their disastrous war with Afghanistan. What happened Shujah Ud-din? Shujah himself is wondering what went wrong himself, sitting in his palace, listening to the distant sounds of battle as the Afghans close in on Kolkata. As this happens, Bengali chimeras attack the Kokangese city of Chin Shwe Haw, as Timorese units lay siege to nearby Siem Reap. The sick man and the sick lady of Asia, locked in a dance of death. I really can’t tell who’s more screwed here.
Across the cylinder in South America, a horde of Kayapo biotroopers and hover tanks rush for Recife with the goal of driving the Malian invaders right into the sea. Any Malian units outside of the city have been annihilated by the large host of Kayapo, and the city itself has little in the way of defense aside from a single aircraft carrier. Seeing the fury of the Kayapo, many Malian troops decide to run. The city will likely fall next turn.
On the other side of the Kayapo nation comes defeat, not triumph, as a large number of Incan biotroopers and GDRs make their way towards the lightly defended cities of Rio de Janiero and Kremoro, the capital. The city, seemingly badly damaged already judging by the population loss, is in the red and will easily fall. Maybe the Kayapo will be taken earlier than I expected.
In Mexico, all but two Mohave cities are under the control of Tupac Yupanqui. The populations of these cities are one, five and one respectively, showing how hotly contested this area is. A large number of Arapaho units move down from Texas to reinforce the several Nexi looming over Aha Kwintamasave. The Arapaho have also gained a small foothold in the Yucatán by capturing Managua, but it as well as Guatemala City could flip back to the Mohave and their large amount of biotroopers.
Sundiata caps four cities in one turn, two from Angola and two from Turkey, leaving the former with only two cities. He may be down in North Africa, but Sundiata is certainly not out. I wouldn’t be surprised if he completely killed Angola. Timor and Turkey are a much larger threat, but I’m confident that Mali will at least give them one hell of a fight.
Not only is Mail pushing in Africa, but they are pushing in Europe too! Sundiata has also decided to finally put Guiscard out of his misery, capturing the bombed-out ruins of Amsterdam. And with that, the Normans go out not with a bang, but a whimper.
I honestly didn’t really pay much attention to the Normans during most of the game. I once heard someone refer to the Normans as the burnt-out gifted kid, and I think that is a pretty good way to sum them up. They settled well in the early stages of the game, and even managed to keep those settles. It seemed like they were going to do great things in Europe and the Mediterranean, which is quite uncommon for Italian civs, but after that they did very little. They had a few minor conquests and settled North Africa, and of course caused the Castilians to be sent to the very front door of the sub, but they always were outshined by other civs. And then, after slowly building up a respectable Mediterranean empire, it was snatched away from them by the Angolans and Yugo. They were rumped and then finally crushed by the sleeping dragon of Mali, even having their old enemy, Castile, outlive them. The Normans were okay, don’t get me wrong, but they could have been so much more than okay.
The arctic wind blows Pretty Nose’s hair as she stares across the Bering Strait from A Cree City. On the other side, battle rages as Arapaho forces try to capture a Gokturk city to gain a foothold in Asia. Kashgar has fallen into the red while a nexus exchanges blows with a destroyer outside of Ongi. If the Arapaho can indeed gain a foothold in Asia and exploit the weaknesses of the civs there, that might just give them the game.
The peaceful silence of the Ataúro night is broken by gunshots and screams. Oh god, they have been found. The mayor of this small island settlement rushes out of his home and is greeted by huge monsters and armored men ransacking the city. A bearded man on top of a tank says,
“You are being liberated by the Army of Afghanistan. Do not resist.”
Cheers go up all around the city, after years and years of Malian occupation, Recife has been liberated! The Malian army has been soundly beaten and the Kayapo are even going on the offensive! Kansan has been brought down to the yellow and an embarked biotrooper prepares to make landfall. Even so, the Kayapo still can’t catch a break. In the north, the Arapaho attack Kokremoro from the sea, and the Inca slowly surround Rio de Janiero. The celebration in Recife will soon be cut short, for the happy citizens and soldiers of the city will be redeployed to continue the increasingly hopeless fight.
The Timorese are sparing Savimbi, at least for the moment, as they focus their attention on Arwa’s Yemen. A horde of biotroopers and biotitans make their way towards Kilwa Kisiwani. The Yemeni army is tired and very depleted, and both Kilwa Kisiwani and Kuito to the north are not likely to hold. Rumors have circulated that Timorese ships have even been probing the coast of Madagascar, and that the capital of Isandlwana could fall in the coming weeks. Yemeni high command has tried to quash these rumors to save morale, but they too are worried. The Yemeni people have fought so hard for their nation, but is it all going to be for nothing?
The Turkish Army marches into Pul-I-Alam and is now a single tile away from the Afghan capital, and the Afghan army, for its part, seems to be offering no resistance at all. Durranni seems to be so occupied with expanding his empire that he has neglected to keep enough units around to defend the homeland. The Wiradjuri did the same thing during their war with Timor, and that ended very poorly for them, as we know. If Durranni doesn’t change things up soon, he may suffer the same fate.
Tuva seems to be having the same issue as well, as they push hard against Han in the east while Turkey rolls through their borders relatively unchallenged in the west. Still, they are doing quite well in this endeavor, as they have just captured the very cool sounding city of Ötüken, and Chengdu seems ready to fall as well. If they continue to push hard, they could soon be in reach of Chang’an. Turkic mythology, Ötüken is the name of the sacred homeland of the Turks, and is also used as another name for Mother Earth. It’s also fun to say. Ötüken.
Checking in on everyone’s favorite girl Olive Yang shows that she is not doing good. She’s actually doing pretty bad. The outer lands of her empire have been gnawed away by the Han, Timor, and Afghanistan. Her army has been ground down to nothing and two more cities in the southeast seem ready to fall to Timor. I like Kokang, but I’m just being honest. I was actually hoping for them to outlast Han, but that’s now very unlikely to happen. Stay strong Yang.
THEY DID IT! The Anglo-Dutch have taken Berlin! I didn’t think William had it in him, but he proved me wrong. Brandenburg has been completely chopped in half in mainland Europe, with their Nordic core and the Isles being the only relatively safe places left. Not only that, but the Malian presence around Utrecht has completely disappeared. Timor Leste is of course the poster boy for a come up against all odds, but remember that the Anglo-Dutch were ranked 59 or 60 in episode 0. They are super tough, and their performance in total war and fucking over of the Brandenburgers has almost made me forgive them for killing Ireland. Almost.
In the interim capital of Frankfurt, Frederick William sits at his desk, shaking with fury. He is usually a calm man, but the events that have transpired are just too much for him to be able to keep his cool. His admirals are gathered around him, and he is giving them a serious tongue lashing.
“Where were you? We have enough ships to cover half the North Sea, and you just sit around in them? That little pansy boy William has captured Berlin and you were just sitting here?”
The admirals look at the ground sheepishly. No one can offer a response.
“Send that navy of yours to Amsterdam and sink that city into the ocean!” He says.
“Yes sir!” They say, and quickly disperse.
As I predicted, the Mohave reclaim Managua and are pushing for Guatemala City. Despite their American territories being in literal pieces, the Mohave are still able to pump out a large amount of advanced units. The Inca have very little to defend their Mexican cities with, so they will have to flip these cities back at some point.
Also, look at Cuscowilla. 97 population! That might be more population than even Kremoro ever had.
The Mohave must have some crazy production, because even in their besieged Central Asian exclave, they are alike to produce and field almost a dozen biotroopers. With this kind of production, Avi Mota could do some serious conquering.
In the Arabian Peninsula, triumphant Afghan soldiers March into Taizz, and in the mountains of China, Zuoxian falls as well. All across the globe, the Afghan empire continues to expand.
“Ha ha, such is the fate of all infidels who stand against me!” Durrani says upon hearing the news.
Yemen has been completely booted out of their Arabian peninsula home by a combined force of Turkey and Afghanistan. Embarked Yemeni units are trying to take back Sana’a, but the going seems very tough. It seems that Yemen may be confined to Africa for the remainder of the game, which would leave them as easy prey for Timor. Area is stuck between a rock and a hard place here.
Several Bengali chimeras take Yogyakarta from Timor, and another moves on Semarang. Xanana seems to be having the same problem that the Bengalis had in this area, as there are few units to be seen, and definitely not enough to defend the five island cities in his possession. Total war has taken a big toll on the armies of most civs, and few seem to be replacing those units. They’ll have to do it sooner or later, though, and sooner would be much better than later.
On Frederick’s orders, the Brandenburger navy descends on The Hague, quickly capturing it. More ships slowly make their way south along the Scottish coast. It seems that Frederick has remembered how to fight wars good. And have the Anglo-Dutch finally bit off more than they could chew?
Something has finally happened in Japan, as the Han have capped Yoshida-Koriyama. UAVs bomb Tahiji Suragake as a Han submarine recovers from an engagement off of Koshoy Korgon, the replacement for the much cooler sounding city of Usukeshi. This seems like a coordinated effort by Han to take Japan for themselves. Those mass-produced Mohave biotroopers are sure to give them problems, though.
Just because the world is locked in a massive, hellish war the likes of which has never been seen doesn’t mean people can’t still enjoy music. In the desolate streets of Wanchanshu, the sounds of shoegaze by My Bloody Valentine serenade the citizens taking refuge from rocket bombardments. In our timeline, My Bloody Valentine is an Irish-English shoegaze band formed in Dublin. Neat.
The war for South America rages on as the Arapaho capture the Kayapo megalopolis of Kokremoro. Arapaho units are still outnumbered by the Kayapo and Inca. Who are engaged in a brutal battle outside of Gorotire. The Inca are also in the process of surrounding Duitama. If the Arapaho aren’t careful, they could be pushed back into the sea.
We now have another look at the continued dismemberment of Olive Yang’s empire. The Timorese has snatched away Saungkang and have completely surrounded Kungkeng. Enemy units have basically free reign over the Kokangese countryside, as there is no army left to stop them.
In the west, Kolkata is being attacked by Afghan biotitans. At least Olive won’t be the first of the two to have her capital fall.
Angola, once the premier power of Africa, has been reduced to a single city. I think we all knew that Angola was going to have a tough go of it in total war, but I don’t think we expected it to be this bad.
As the Timorese and Mali close in on Cabinda, Savimbi sits in his office, wondering where it all went wrong. He had become the rising star of Africa, only to have it snatched away from him at the last second. His journey to victory was almost complete, but now, it would never be finished.
On the northern front of the Tuva-Turkey war, things are going about the same as they are everywhere else. Turkey caps Birzai as a large group of Tuvan units attempt to halt their advance. Even with this attack, the Tuvans are barely able to damage the Turkish biotroopers. Note the Turkish warrior at the bottom right of Kuva.
Here is a place we haven't seen in a good while. The Tuvan core is more barren than ever. Look at all of those yurts, though. In other news, Tuva’s state religion, Tengriism, has been reformed. A new sect of shamans has taken the forefront, answering the many questions that the modern world poses. Soon enough, their religion may be all the Uriankhai have left.
The Tuvans push into what is left of the Gokturk core. Besieged from three sides, the First Turkic Khaganate is not long for this world. Shiraoi is in the red, and a Tuvan bazooka has dealt a small bit of damage to Bolchu. In the east, the Arapaho have captured Kashgar and are moving on to Tzatsisnukomi. I think Kashgar may have been Bumin Qagan’s most populous city. Not good.
Against all odds, the Yemenis have not only recaptured Sana’a, but also Taizz! Arwa gets to return to her palace in Sana’a, at least for now.
Here we have a look at the reformations of a few religions, namely Tengriism. They have some pretty good ones, especially Ragnarok, which gives one culture and one production for each tundra tile, which is pretty busted, given how much tundra Tuva owns.
The Turkish front line has seemingly disappeared, as Afghanistan takes Pul-I-Alam. Sar-E-Pol, Asir, and Lashkar Gah seem undefended and easy to take as well. This episode has been very kind to Afghanistan.
Turkey has another setback as Mali captures the formerly Chadian city of Mondou. Sarh, the city northeast of it, is very well defended, though, and will be tough for the Malians to crack.
Surprisingly, the Anglo-Dutch recaptures The Hague, and the Brandenburger navy regroups off of Cottbus. You can hear Frederick screaming all the way from London.
The fighting around Gorotire has died down, allowing for the Kayapo to focus on dislodging the Arapaho from Kokremoro. This may not have been the best idea, though, as there are only a few damaged biotroopers left to defend Gorotire, and Rio de Janeiro has all but fallen to the Inca. Keeping his empire together is seeming like a very Sisyphean task for old Raoni.
The Mohave succeed in taking Guatemala city from the Inca, and are now moving south toward Qalla Q’asa. Slightly northward, the Arapaho are bearing down on Kwapaverte. It seems that Tupac is going to lose Mexico completely.
Angolan citizens huddle together in basements and bomb shelters as Malians and Timorese tear Cabidna apart fighting one another. Among Savimbi and his people, all hope of the Angolan state lasting is lost. Now, they just hope whoever conquers the city treats them well.
Things look pretty uneventful here in the Pacific. It seems that there was a battle around Hukoara Ts Huerve, but other than that things are pretty chill. Compared to the brutal battles that are raging in other areas of the Mohave and Timorese empires, this is almost like peacetime.
And with that, the Timorese plant their flag over the last free Angolan city. What a wild ride Angola had, and what a way to go out.
Angola was initially ranked at a middling 29 in episode 0, having been voted in with the power of memes. And for a civ that was memed in, he did quite well, he managed to cripple Botswana relatively early on, but when he really shined was the Modern era. Rising from middling status, he kneecapped Chad, finished off Zulu, and then devoured Kilwa and Uganda, forming a very nice African empire. Then… total war came. And during total war, Angola completely imploded. They were set upon by Timor, Mali, and even Yemen, being completely dismantled within just a few episodes. Now, the once great Angolan empire is no more. I just hope that Savimbi’s achievements aren’t overshadowed by his catastrophic downfall.
Qarakhoja falls to Tuva, and Han does not seem to be in any position to take it back, or even hold most of it’s other cities for that matter. Donduk and the large mass of units between Qarakhoja and Chengdu basically have a free choice of which city to capture next.
Kungkeng has fallen, leaving Yang with only three cities. Well, more like two, as a few Timoerese troops are already probing Konkyan. It seems that another beloved competitor will meet their end today.
It seems I was wrong about Raoni, as he retakes Kokremoro. The Incans are still putting pressure on Gorotire, though. They have also taken Duitama. It seems that Arapaho's South American Expedition was all for naught..
In the Haiwaiian islands, the Inca take Kama-20la, though there are a few Mohave biotroopers left trying to take the city back. If they can keep the city, though, they could island hop their way all the way over to Japan, given how undefended these Mohave islands are.
In Central Asia, the Mohave’s army of biotroopers descends on Xiangping. The Tuvans are also putting pressure on Han’s Samagaltay, and the Turks are in turn putting pressure on Tuva.
The Afghans take back Lashkar Gah, and a large blob of Afghan biotroopers and biotitans make their way towards Asir. Soon enough, the Afghans could be pushing into Turkey proper.
The Anglo-Dutch can’t stop winning this episode,as they take Oviedo from Mali. The Brandenburgers have renewed the naval offensive on Amsterdam, but the city remains in the green while the Brandenburger navy is taking considerable damage. Further east, the Anglo-Dutch attack Cottbus in Denmark, with a halfhearted defense being put on by the navy. I think it’s time for Frederick to get some new admirals.
Both Kashgar and Tzatsisnukomi have been taken by the Arapaho. Pretty Nose walks through the streets of Kashgar, the Kamchatkan sun poking slightly through the clouds, bathing her in the afternoon light. She can’t exactly say why, but, even though she has never been here, this place is… familiar.
Anyway, it seems like the remainder of the Gokturks’ life will be a race between who can kill them faster, Tuva or Arapaho. I have my money on the Arapaho.
We can see why the Incan war effort in the north has slowed down, as Tupac has been focusing his efforts on recapturing Aotearoa, and those efforts have been pretty successful. Like the peoples of Japan, the Maori have to watch as their cities are destroyed by the imperialist wars of foreigners. Resisting would only bring their complete annihilation, so they just try to live their lives in peace and preserve their culture the best that they can.
The Mohave really are on a roll, as they retake Yoshida Koriyama, pushing Han into the sea. Frustrated, the Han generals decide to go for the much weaker Gokturks, quickly blockading Tahiji Suragake. With no time to waste, the Mohave march back north towards Miri-Takamatsu, like the Han invasion never even happened.
As usual, Turkey’s problems are only a minor setback, as they retake Lashkar Gah and Meknes in one fell swoop. Looking at the rest of Turkish North Africa, it looks sparsely defended, but still secure. Sundiata Keita should start to worry.
Here is a closer look at the Incan-Kayapo front. Nothing new to report, just the continued meat grinder.
Sundiata must have heard what I was saying and got mad, because he answered Turkey’s capture of Meknes with the capture of Pristina. On top of that, he caps Ambriz from Tim and reinforces his northern front. If Sundiata does go down, he’s gonna go down swinging.
With the capture of Ambriz, Mali has pushed pretty deep into South Africa, almost making it to what I believe is the Kalahari desert. Still, fighting with the Timorese African Colonial Army (TACA), is quite brutal, and the Malian army at Cabidna is not in good shape. They really need to reinforce that area, especially with the Yemeni biotroopers coming up behind them.
The Inca, not the Kayapo, have retaken Bacata, completely clearing out the Arapaho land army. Qalla Q’asa holds as well, Guatemala city has been retaken, and Managua has been brought down to the red. Whatever power ranker that called Inca “not a conquering civ” in episode 0 has been proven very, very wrong.
Things look incredibly grim for Yang. The Timorese lay siege to her capital, Laukkai, and the Afghans, fresh from conquering Kolkata, attack Maw Htek. I expect our poor girl to be gone by the next turn, but I would be very happy if she proves me wrong.
In the tundras of northeastern Finland, now soaked with blood, the Tuvans struggle to break the Brandenburger defenses at Palanga. They have bigger things to worry about though, like the fact that they are now completely cut off from the rest of Tuva by Turkey. Still they hammer away at Palanga like they aren't being devoured by Ataturk’s forces in the south.
The Tuvans are doing much better against the Han than Brandenburg or Turkey, as they bring Fanyang down to the red. And would you look at the south- Afghanistan is laying siege to Chang’an! The Han have really fallen off. Remember, only a few episodes before total war, they had their land completely carpeted and the highest military score without nukes in the cylinder. Now the Tuvans and Afghans, barbarians from the steppes and tundras, have free reign over the northwestern Han empire. Is this the beginning of Wu’s century of humiliation?
The Arapaho take Kwapaverte, beating Mohave to the punch. What is left of the Mohave biotroopers attack Selye’aya-ita, bringing it down to the black. Still, even if they manage to take it, the Arapaho will likely flip it back.
Hearing that the Han Century of Humiliation has started, the Mohave decide to get in on the action, capturing Xiangping. They still have a lot of biotroopers left, and many of the cities nearby are basically free to take. We could see the Mohave do something that some have wanted to do ever since Avi Mota’s founding- forge a great Mohavean Central Asian empire.
Xanana Gusmao’s Timorese colonial troops retake Ambriz. Though they are minor powers, Timor fighting off Yemen and Mali is quite impressive. Could we see a United States of Africa under Gusmao sometime soon?
The Afghans are pushing into China proper with ease. In Chang’an, the Great Palace of Wu is evacuated, with soldiers quickly spiriting the emperor and his court away as workers try to take as many valuable works of art, literature, and metalworking as they could. Outside of the city, entrenched Han soldiers bravely face off against Afghanistan’s biological horrors, but it is no use. Biotitans rip tanks apart like paper as routing Han soldiers are cut down by biotroopers. The capital of one of the greatest Chinese civs we’ve ever had is about to fall.
Instead of his room in the sub, Windradyne wakes up on a tropical beach of some sort. He rubs his eyes and looks around. A woman walks into view. She turns and sees him and her jaw drops.
“Are you…” She starts.
“Wait… Who are you? And where am I?” Windradyne asks.
“I’m Lowanna.” She says. “And this is Eugowra.”
“Eugowra?! Why am I here? I should be on the sub!” Windradyne exclaims.
“Sub? Wha… Whatever. I think President Gusmao must have brought you back.”
“GUSMAO?! Ooooh that bastard! He would do something like this!” Windradyne hadn’t heard that name in a long, long while, and honestly, he never wanted to again. He quickly gets up. “I am Windradyne.”
“Oh my god! I thought that was who you were!” Lowanna says.
“Yes, but please! Don’t tell anyone!” He begs.
“Ok…” The girl says, holding her hands up. “But… what are you going to do here?”
“Well, you are going to take me to find something to kill that Gusmao fucker with.”
“Oh… well- uh.. Alright. He is kind of a bastard.”
“See? Ah, thank you, Ma’am.” He says. And the two walk off of the beach and into the jungle.
Back in Siberia, Turkey takes Emdin(?) and are only one city away from completely chopping the Tuvan state in half. Turkey may completely plow through all of the former perm and into Tyva proper in a single episode. An ironic twist of fate for a civ that so brutally and efficiently dismantled an entire civilization.
Afghanistan has captured Chang’an! Ancient golden statues and jewelry are looted as Afghan biotroopers empty their weapons into the air in celebration. Afghanistan really came out of nowhere with this move. Like, I know Han and Afghanistan were close, but jeez. With the way they’ve been playing this episode, I wouldn’t rule them out as a potential winner of the whole royale!
Speaking of potential winners, Pretty Nose has taken Ongi in Asia and Managua in Central America. The race is getting close though, as the Tuvans have captured Shiraoi, which is also a very cool name for a city. Even if the Tuvans win this race, Arapaho probably won't have a problem with them, but they still need to act fast, as Tim, Afghanistan and Turkey are all quickly converging on Asia. Lock. IN Pretty Nose!
Kwaparvete and Managua are both in Arapaho hands, meaning that the Mohave have been completely kicked out of the Americas, save for a few biotroopers. Still, things are just only beginning to get real, as now the Arapaho are going have to start moving into the Incan homeland. It’s scary, but with Inca focusing on Kayapo also, I think the Arapaho could do this.
The Mohave have denied the Inca entry into the rest of their islands, taking back Kamahmulya and even dealing some damage to Guiyang. If Irataba, commanding his army from his new capital of Avi Hamoka, could bring over some of those biotroopers to take Guiyang, that would be a big help to his current war effort. It has lost some population, but it could still be a nice pickup.
I thought that Kokang had died a few slides ago, but I wasn’t %100 sure. But now that it’s confirmed,I guess it’s time for Olive’s Obituary.
Obviously, Olive Yang was a fan favorite for many reasons. She got up to some crazy stuff in her lifetime in OTL, she was a lesbian, and an opium warlord. (Ok, that last thing isn’t a good thing to do, but it’s kind of cool.) And in the CBR, she was a bad bitch there too. Initially ranked at 19 on episode zero, she lived up to her expectations, staying high in the rankings for most of the game. She kneecapped the Cambodians, letting them wallow in their city state, survived clashes with the powerful Wu, and even stood up to the hegemon of the day, the Mohave. Some good OC was made about her, too. She was great, but she just didn’t have enough to get to the very top, and when other, top ranking civs came knocking, she fought bravely, but again, it wasn’t enough. And even though her death in total war was quick, she should go into that sub very proud of what she did, cause many of us are very proud of her too.
Now that we’ve all stopped crying, lets move on. In the war-torn lands of Africa, the Timorese have taken Luanda. They are on the very edge of North Africa, but they might not break into it just yet, because judging by the amount of Malian troops in the area, there is going to be a good amount of flipping.
Moving east, we come to Bengal. Or what remains of it, at least. Patna is in the red with many Timorese around ready to pounce on it. The capital, which is now the island city of Darbhanga, has Timorese and Afghan ships circling around it like sharks around a dead, bloated whale. We’ve seen a lot of bloodshed in Asia today, but it just might not be over
Isabella wakes up to a loud explosion. She wraps herself in a fur coat and runs to the window. Sure enough, the center of burgos is ablaze, the orange flames licking the antarctic night sky, setting other buildings in the wooden city ablaze as well. Men frantically try to put out the fire, but it is being put out at a snail’s pace. Behind her, one of her guards runs in.
“My lady! We’ve been attacked!” He says, huffing as he speaks.
“By who?!” Isabella asks.
“We… don’t know, my lady.”
It matters not who, though. What matters is that they've been found by someone other than Babylon.
“May god have mercy on us.” Isabella thinks.
In the ruins of the Han Empire, the powers of Asia fight for a piece of China. The Tuvans have taken Karabalghasun and are now defending it from the Afghans. Even Timor is getting into it, as one of their biotitans is attacking Longbian.
But even during this dark period for the Han, a glimmer of hope appears. The Han have entered the future era. Maybe this is what they need to turn their situation around?
Now that they have pushed Arapaho out of mainland South America, the Incans continue the offensive and capture Olinda and Toh-Okoxee-ni’. These will likely flip, but if they are kept by the Inca, it could give them a way into the greater Caribbean and even North America.
Just as the two get into Eugowra, Timorese troops raise the red and gold flag over the city once again.
“Damn!” Windradyne says. “They already took it back over.”
“Are we still going to kill them?” Lowanna asks.
“Nononono, let’s not. Look at them all. What kind of guns are those, even?”
“So… we went all this way and got all these explosives for nothing?”
“I guess so, Lowanna. I wonder if I have to go the sub.”
“What do you mean by that?” Lowanna asks.
“Well…” Windradyne starts. “When a leader dies. They don’t die for real. They can’t even die. Olga, Allende, Wonggu, they all get taken to somewhere real cold and far away. I… I don’t know if I should tell you more, Lowanna.”
“Are only you allowed to go?” Lowanna asks.
“I don’t know, why?”
“Well, because, uhh… Windradyne. I want you to be my boyfriend.” She says.
And now, we have come to the end. We’ve seen incredible, unexpected comebacks, the rumpification and ascension of civs, and the death and rebirth of many nations, beloved or otherwise. I am truly grateful I could narrate this episode for you. This has been goatbaby. Goodbye.