Episode 4: Who Wants to Be a Conqueror?

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Hello Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to episode 4 of CBRXS3! The series where we watch AI’s play Civilization 5. This is going to be a computer let's play, and when I say ”let's play” I use that term pretty loosely because these AI’s are absolute idiots in this game. You're gonna see lots of fails, you're gonna see lots of triumphs, at least I'm hoping… So go grab yourself a nice hot cup of coffee, hot cup of coco. I got apple cider right here, freshly brewed. Let me take a sip… Ahh, that's some good cider!

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And now, a message from the showrunner: Hello! It's LacsiraxAriscal here. Ya might or might not be aware that I'm this season's showrunner! And I'm sure you're thinking, gee, the CBR's great; I wish I could thank the person running it with financial aid. Good news! You can! I've launched a fundraiser for Gender Confirmation surgery. You can and should donate! Or share it about the richest and most trans-friendly people you know. Thanks and on with the show! https://www.gofundme.com/f/5ee73

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Insert: ‘’American Dreams 3: A Helping Hand’’ by Orangechrisy. What might seem like two powers cleverly collaborating on the surface, is in actuality an intense rivalry between two squabbling chickens, as Orange’s latest piece so masterfully displays. Note the minimalist, post-modern style of the work, featuring well-defined black lines which give form to these ball-like creatures, which so abstractly represent the very essence of civilization. A true masterpiece, if you’d ask me.

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Money makes the world go round, and so too does it make the Cylinder spin. Thank you all for your generosity, it is truly incredible.

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To the surprise of few, a Siberian civ ends up at #1 within the early-game power rankings. Credit where credit is due, though: Azykay is one of the few leaders who has actually conquered an enemy city so far. Sure, it might have been given to him on a silver platter, but it still counts.

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Chief Micanopy thought he was being slick by establishing a settlement on Cuba, away from the American offense on the mainland. However, it turns out that the Yankees are quite poor at fighting on land but quite effective on water, taking Loxahatchee within a short amount of time. With the dockyards of their capital being blocked by enemy ships as well as Central American troops hiding in the Cuban jungles, the Seminole stand no real chance of regaining this city.

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When you live in the desert, your biggest enemy is not man or beast, but the scorching heat of the sun. The enlightened Akhenaten knows this well and has therefore decided to worship this powerful entity. As his warriors descend upon the city of Assur, he gives the order to burn everything as a sacrifice to the great Aten. May the earth one day burn as brightly as the great disk in the skies!

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A great force of Kievan and Vladimir troops marches westwards, severely outnumbering their Lithuanian target. Luckily for Gediminas, the thick forests and winding rivers act as a natural barrier, slowing down the approaching armies to a crawl. Still, the fresh settlement of Siauliai is very poorly defended and could certainly still be in danger.

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Tetouan and Mali have a good ol’ scrap in the desert. This brawl is nothing more than playtime for the young lion Sundiata, who looks set to grow up to be a mighty king one day. Unless the other African powers unite and stop him early on, his roar will soon be heard across the continent.

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As Botswana keeps up its miraculous defense against its neighbors, Kilwa peacefully expands into Madagascar. Settling the island allows them to have a stronger grasp on the East-African seas, something which is very beneficial for Kilwa’s many merchants. Let the gold flow like the waves of the ocean!

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The Yemeni people are experts of living in sandy terrain. Just watch as they grow the city of Aden, established on the desolate horn of Africa, to a total of 8 population! Sadly, Idi Amin is not so awestruck by this, launching a sizable force to expel the Arab invaders from his rightful clay. The attack looks like it should succeed, but the embarking of several Ugandan units might turn this into yet another failed attempt at early city capturing.

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Oooh, awww, ouchie! Micanopy turns out to be quite the scaredy cat, as a few American troops approaching the borders of his perfectly well defended chiefdom are enough to make him give in to their unreasonable demands. With the city of Apopka being integrated into the United States, the Florida men are now completely boxed in by greater powers. Never say never, but the Seminole’s future certainly doesn’t look very bright. Meanwhile, Roosevelt does a wheelie in celebration. That destiny is certainly being manifested.

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It’s Savimbi’s birthday. But he’s feeling a little sad. Why? Because that meanie Botswana didn’t let any of his men into their cities! As a means to cheer him up, the Angolan people grant him the title of conqueror. A new fire sparks within him, and immediately he orders two squads of settlers to expand his empire. He is Jonas the Conqueror, and thus he shall conquer!

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‘’Whoa whoa whoa!’’ Newly promoted general Khaled ibn al-Walid rushes into Assur with a bucket of water. ‘’What are you guys doing? Stop burning those buildings! Can’t you guys see that we can actually use these as a base of operation?’’ The men shrug and lower their torches. ‘’Whatever pleases the sun most, I guess.’’ The inferno is stopped, but not before the city loses a quarter of its population.

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Qommon Qocho L, as the Han capture and burn the mountain city of Kucha. It’s not even like they wanted it all that much, the Chinese just don’t want these Uyghur fellows to have any breathing room. Where have I seen that before?

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Here we witness a moment which might change history. Perm and Massagetae, two civilizations with lots of room for expansion, have decided to go at it. The Permian troops are more numerous, but Tomyris has a special weapon on her side: The axeman. As it turns out, axes are weaker than swords, but cost no iron. Science! This means that the Massagetae can churn these fellows out like there’s no tomorrow, making quick work of the invading spearmen. Meanwhile, the settling race continues, with both the Massagetae and Permians sending squads towards Eastern Europe and the Tuvans settling further along the Siberian river systems.

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‘’Hey? Yo? Captain Jack? Strange duck people are descending from the mountains upon your stronghold as we speak. Their leader is the infamous Willie Seaweed, all fear his name. And the worst part? They got abs.’’ Kintpuash frowns at the report of his scout. This guy must have consumed some magic mushrooms or something.

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Ahh, South America. Known to be the sleepiest continent of the cylinder, while producing some of its strongest fighters. Many see great potential in José de San Martin, a capable commander who likes to invest in his military above all. So far, Rio’s diplomatic relations with the other South Americans have been uncharacteristically peaceful. However, with the lightly defended, juicy-looking Concepción to its south, this might change very soon.

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Kokang is about to achieve something many thought to be impossible: Conquering a jungle city with just archers and clubmen. Cambodia is currently lacking in defenses, as most of its troops have been spent in several fruitless attempts at conquering the Philippine colony of Cavite el Viejo. Meanwhile, things are certainly looking up for Olive Yang, as she is about to become the major power in Indochina, while also sending two settlers out towards the north.

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It’s orange-on-orange violence as Isabella decides that it’s time to ‘’reconquer’’ the lands of Francia from the Anglo-Dutch. Her Jinete will aid her in this endeavor, specialized horsemen who excel at conquering cities where the population follows a different religion than Castille’s. Very cool, if only Castille followed a different religion than the Dutch. Meanwhile, William has decided that the pen is greater than the sword as he sends missionaries all over Europe to preach the doctrine of Luther. His defending force? One warrior, two archers, a spearman and a chariot. Good luck, William, I really hope there is a place reserved for you in heaven.

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Sayyida sends a message to general Peng, containing one word: ‘’Nope’’. And so, Teotouans troops noped out of there, while the Malians chased after them through the vast desert.

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Kim il-Sung is still attempting to unite the Korean peninsula under his immortal rule. The rough terrain around Tajihi-Sarugake is very hard to get through though, while Mori ships patrol the coastline, picking off any Koreans lost at sea. It seems that the North Korean dictator is putting too many eggs in one basket, refusing to settle additional cities while sending his men into a pointless death. If he keeps this strategy up, he will soon be surpassed by all of his neighbors.

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It is Pax Mediterranea as Tito and Robert shake hands and leave each other be for a while. They have both established respectable empires, with Yugoslavia dominating the Balkan and Italian inland and the Normans spreading out throughout the Mediterranean sea. One has a large land army, the other a respectable navy. Can they build a civilization to stand the test of time?

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The Bengal tiger is the second largest subspecies of tiger, inhabiting the jungles and woodlands of South Asia. Its diet mainly consists of large ungulates such as deer and gaur, but it certainly won’t pass up some Pandya fishies if given the opportunity. The tiger pounces as a large peloton of Bengal spearmen march southwards. Pandya finds itself significantly outnumbered, but the lay of the land might help them in defending their most northern cities. They also have access to their unique Maraval: A spearman unit which specializes in coastal combat. This may come in handy when defending Tirunelveli.

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As Siem Reap gets taken, Olive Yang dreams of a Southeast Asia filled with the most beautiful poppy fields. What a lovely idea, I sure hope she doesn’t have any malicious reasons for wanting large quantities of these pretty flowers. Meanwhile, the Philippines go in for seconds, sending another settler towards the Cambodian mainland.

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Tuva has been doing quite well for itself, establishing a total of six cities already, while having plenty more space to expand. The Göktürks are lagging behind a bit, but are also sending two more settlers as we speak. Sungulug Khagan, meanwhile, cries salty tears onto the arid ground of Qarakhoja.

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The Amazon river is the breadbasket of the cylinder, providing so much food that the Kayapó people have been able to grow to a whopping population of 8 million. This is four times as much as Bengal and Timor, who are in second and third place respectively. Will these numbers help sling the Kayapó into a position of immense power? Or will the immense amount of people slow productivity, leading to disastrously underdeveloped cities? Only time will tell.

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Bengal is looking quite impressive, combining a significant population with the largest productivity on the cylinder. This combination will almost certainly spell death and disaster for anyone they declare war on. Atatürks people have also not been slacking, ending up in second place.

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Australia is looking very unbalanced, as the expansive Wiradjuri sport the most powerful military in the world while the Yolngu people don’t even appear in the top 12. Afghanistan also has a large force, which would be very useful if only they had some weak neighbors upon whom they could release it. Perhaps they too want to go pearl fishing in Southern India.

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A wise man once said: ‘’With great jungle comes great technological advancement.’’ This wise man came from the lands of the Kayapó, so he may have been a little biased. But it is a fact that the Amazonian natives are doing quite well for themselves.

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Shuja-ud-Din smells his pockets. ‘’Money.’’ he proclaims. To give some clarification as to why Bengal is doing so well: They specialize in building up along river systems, gaining extra crops, productivity and trade profits from riverbased cities. As such, the Ganges delta is truly a blessing for the Bengalis, giving them a great base of operations to maybe one day conquer the world from.

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No people on the cylinder are quite as pious as the Ainu. Inspired by the natural beauty of the cold lands they inhabit, they spread their faith throughout East Asia. The Irish are also quite faithful, and the merchants of Kilwa have been bringing their beliefs with them on their trade journeys. Will their faith allow them to move mountains? Or will the indifferent cruelty of the universe crush them with its depressing force?

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One night, emperor Pedro of Brazil has a strange dream: He sees his son, sitting on a grand throne, surrounded by all the leaders of the cylinder, who kneel before him and sing his praise. Pedro Junior then opens his mouth and speaks as with the voice of a billion people: ‘’I am the lawgiver, and all four corners of the world bow before me!’’ Upon waking up, Pedro is greatly inspired and decides to adopt this title, believing that it will grant him victory in all his upcoming battles.

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Shakushain has been watching the ongoing struggle on the Korean peninsula closely. ‘’I don’t know what it is about these Mori guys, but I feel like they wouldn’t be very kind to my people. Let’s take them down a notch.’’ Upon speaking these words, he sends a fleet towards Tajihi-Sarugake. If the North Koreans keep their attacks up as well, the Mori might soon be pushed off of the Asian mainland. Meanwhile, a Mohave settler lands on Asian shores. Inspired by the efforts of Iron Jacket, he too wants to create a colony in distant lands in order to enrich his people.

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Windradyne has applied an excellent strategy so far which will certainly give his people the upper hand in Australia. Exploiting the fact that the Yolngu are slow to expand, the Wiradjuri have migrated westwards, even claiming the holy rock Uluru in the heart of the Australian desert. In order to box them in even more, Windradyne has decided to settle New Guinea as well, preventing the Yolngu from having any kind of island-based empire. Now, the Wiradjuri seem to be preparing to attack, with a large army being stationed around the frontier city of Loowee. This could get exciting.

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Seretse Khama finally finds some room to breathe and immediately sends a settler northwards. Land in Southern Africa is highly contested, and the clock is really ticking for Botswana as they are losing potential clay by the minute. If they don’t manage to grab some more land soon, they will be outmatched by their neighbors, with certain defeat lying beyond the horizon.

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Even though the Castilian troops have the upper hand, they seem to lack coordination as both London and Amsterdam are being attacked. If their commanders don’t step it up quickly, the bag might very well be fumbled. An Egyptian scout watches on in the corner with a drink in hand. ‘’They don’t know that the sun is the ultimate cause of all life and therefore worthy of worship.’’ he thinks to himself.

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The Anglo-Norse have so far failed at being both Anglo and Norse, as Brandenburger colonies start popping up in Scandinavia. Frederick-William is really flexing on his neighbors, as he also sports a much larger land army. Meanwhile, Lithuania has found its way towards Finland. Canute had better do something soon, or his dreams of a North Sea Empire will not even come close to being fulfilled.

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Asia seems to be all the rage nowadays, as a Greenlandic settler is also on his way westwards. The Kwaks, meanwhile, have been doing their thing: Slowly migrating along the Alaskan coastline. They haven’t put much pressure on Modoc yet, but I suppose that’s to be expected with all the mountains in the way. No problem Willie, keep going at your own pace.

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No one knows what Iron Jacket is thinking exactly. Refusing to settle any additional cities in North America besides his capital, naming himself after his dashing armor made of a material which his people haven’t even discovered yet, and now sending his whole army eastwards. Are these units being sent after his settling squad? Is he planning on attacking America? Perhaps he simply refuses to run in the grand rat race of civilization, sending his army away in order to give Pretty Nose a free ticket into his capital. It is truly impossible to say.

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As Greenland is moving westwards, Ethan Allen decides to make Iceland into a green land. Soon, Vermont's maple trees will likely paint the island in pretty autumn colors. It is quite risky to establish a city so far away from the capital, but Vermont might still be able to reinforce it with some ships in the future.

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Some skirmishes take place in the Sea of Japan. It is clear that the Ainu fleet will not be enough to strike a lasting blow against the Mori. The Koreans aren’t doing much to help them either, putting their units on guard rather than keeping up the pressure. The Mori settler, meanwhile, is caught with his pants down. He’ll need to pull yet another clutch move to save him from the Ainu wrath.

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Kokang is doing quite well for itself, having built up to a total of 6 cities. While their empire is quite widespread, the many jungles and mountains make any potential invasion a difficult task for their opponents. Sihanouk, meanwhile, licks his wounds as he orders a new settling squad to be assembled outside of Phnom Penh.

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The Göktürks and the Han set aside their differences and decide to focus on the things they have in common, such as their hatred towards incompetent little dictators with a god complex. The Hermit Kingdom is quite far away from their borders however, and is also known to specialize in defenses. If they really decide to commit to this war, North Korea will prove to be a tough little nut to crack.

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The pagan Lithuanians are true men of the forest, hiding behind trees and ambushing any attacking Kievan and Vladimir military units. If they manage to successfully hold off the invading Slavs, they will have a very good position looking towards the future, with a total of 6 cities already under their belt and plenty more room for further expansion.

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‘’Oh boy! Here I go, conquering again.’’ Proclaims Savimbi as he declares war on Chad. However, after looking at a map of African geopolitics, all experts of the cylinder agree that no conquest will take place here. Not only are both sides evenly matched in terms of military, there are massive mountains and dense forests in between the two competing empires. It will be no more than a pointless sacrifice of human lives. Isn’t that what war is all about, though?

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As the Massagetae settler was ready to leave his homeland in Central Asia, queen Tomyris whispered something into his ear: ‘’Cop me some of that copper.’’ And thus, it was copper he copped.

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Mohave man wants mo’ to have, eyeing a source of gold on the Chinese coast. Emperor Yongle looks on in disagreement. ‘’The Mandate of Heaven is mine and I will therefore not tolerate any strange settlements on Chinese turf.’’ Little does he know that his neighbor, Wu of Han, has also gotten himself one of those mandates. They are all the rage nowadays, it seems.

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Iron Jacket once again works in mysterious ways, as he orders his settler to come back to America. ‘’Let that boy come home.’’ he proclaims. One thing is for certain, that settler has some great stories to tell to his family and friends.

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Kim il-Sung is so taken aback by the joint declaration of war from his eastern neighbors, that he quickly settles for peace with Motonari. Shakushain gnashes his teeth, as that lucky bastard of a Mori settler once again narrowly escapes its death. This war is turning out to be quite the failure for the Ainu.

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Someone really went ahead and deleted all the land around America’s newest settlement. Can’t have shit in Detroit. Well, except for blood coral, that is. There’s a lot of that.

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Idi Amin was getting quite tired of the constant walking through the desert towards Aden. So, when his men finally reached Yemeni lands and burned a farm there, he proclaimed victory. ‘’A decisive blow was dealt to Yemen’s economy today, one that will ensure nothing but mediocrity for them in the future. Glory to Uganda!’’ His men cheered, although with an audible hint of confusion. Arwa al Sulayhi shrugs. She takes those.

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Akhenaten is very determined to destroy Assyria and claim Mesopotamia for himself. ‘’Time to give Sammumarat some of that Bronze Age collapse, if you know what I mean.’’ None of his advisors knew what he meant. The war is still going fairly well for Egypt, with Assyria barely having any defensive forces left. Actually taking the cities might still prove difficult though, as the Egyptian armies are slowly running out of steam, with few reinforcements on the way. If Atatürk wants some of that peachy Assyrian booty as well, now would be an excellent time to join in.

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Pandya is defending quite well against the Bengali aggressors, having formed a line of Maraval to protect the city of Tirunelveli. Queen Alli Rani puts her nose up to the air in disgust. ‘’I wasn’t born from a divine lily just to be conquered by a measly little Khan.’’ she proclaims. I wouldn’t be too quick to say such things though, as Bengali triremes and archers are also nearing from the seas. This is certainly a war to keep your eyes on.

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Why are there Normans in the Mediterranean? Nobody knows. The Norman scribes tell legends about their ancestors living in Anglo-Dutch lands, but moving out in order to become mercenaries. Regardless of their origins, these Normans are now very determined to make all of the Mediterranean theirs. Thus, they have set their sights on the Turkish city of Izmir. The city will prove nigh impossible to capture with just ships, but if Robert Guiscard decides to organize an infamous Norman landing party, things could get interesting.

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Sike! He quickly settles for peace and decides to focus on domestic affairs. Meanwhile, Botswana finally hits that coveted three city mark. Sadly for them, with each city they place, another two Angolan cities pop up elsewhere. Before going to bed, Seretse Khama decides to read the fable of the tortoise and the hare, hoping that he can manifest its wise lessons of steadiness into reality. Only problem is: A zebra tends to run faster than a rooster and should therefore lose the race (according to fable logic).

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The Chads cleverly barricade the mountain pass, preventing the approaching Angolans from making any type of progress. Overseeing the troops is general Heinz, a saucy sort of fellow. The Angolan soldiers feel an intimidating presence emanating from the Chad army, one of overbearing masculinity. What is up with those guys? They certainly don’t seem to feel much in the way of fear, as Idriss decides to settle a new city right on the frontlines, all the while bearing a mysterious grin on his face.

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Wu isn’t quite done with Qocho just yet, commanding his armies to continue moving westwards. General William Tecumseh leads the Han troops, himself being the head of a special regiment of Qiang Spearmen, which are well-armed soldiers who specialize in expanding the borders of the Han empire. Meanwhile, the Tuvans decide to bully Qocho in a more peaceful manner: A settler is on its way to establish a city within the vicinity of Qarakhoja, which will lower Sungulugs chances of escaping into the safe Himalayan mountains in case things get dire. Just give ‘em a break, man.

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When the people of Vermont set foot on the shores of Iceland, they heard strange sounds coming from the nearest forest. Upon closer inspection, they found that it was just some horny deer, calling out for some sweet, sweet tail. To commemorate this majestic display of natural beauty, they founded the city of Burlingtown (but without the w, ‘cause that’s how cool guys do it).

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On a dreary autumn day in the Irish Isles, Michael Collins dreams of a wealthy, distant land where palm trees grow and where the weather is always sunny. Feeling inspired, he writes down his manifesto on why the Middle East is essentially heaven on earth. Religious scholars would later dub this event ‘’The enhancement of the Irish Oriental Orthodox faith’’.

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The Kayapó are a true people of the Amazon, basing large parts of their culture on the diverse flora and fauna which may be found in South America’s vast jungles. And yeah, that’s a lotta jungle they got over there. The effect of this has been a massive spread of their culture all throughout the Amazon rainforest, inspiring local peoples to quickly assimilate into the Kayapó empire. This means that their cities, although few in number, now have massive cultural borders which rival even their most sizable neighbors. I guess you don’t need length, you just need girth. Life lessons.

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Mm, mm, mm. That Aral looks mighty invadable right about now. Apparently, Bulan thinks so as well, as he declares war on the Massagetae after sneaking a sizable army around the Caspian Sea. It is quite unadvanced though, only consisting of archer and warrior units. Still, Tomyris might be too busy dealing with the Permians to be able to defend her westernmost city.

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The Lithuanians did it! The Kievans run back to the plains, while Vladimir’s troops seem to have already retreated. This is very bad news for Olga, as she finds herself more and more boxed in by her larger neighbors. This is so sad, her holiness always gets really depressed when she doesn’t have any cities to burn!

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It’s an all-American classic, as two large Native American powers decide to shake hands as they are simply too evenly-matched to take anything from each other. Poundmaker decides to settle some more of the Great Lakes, while Pretty Nose goes back to nationalizing some more bison, hoping these bodacious bovines will give her the upper hand in the future. I’m sure we’ll see a lot more of these two leaders in the future.

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Frederick-William continues asserting absolute dominance over Canute by claiming more and more land in Scandinavia. If he wanted to be extra disrespectful, he could settle to the north of Ribe, which would completely cut off the Anglo-Norse from further expansion. Regardless, our Danish competitor is falling behind more and more as Europe gets fuller and fuller.

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Not only is Raoni a man of culture, his faith in Catharism is also strong. To encourage his people to follow in his spiritual footsteps, he declares the Kayapó government a theocratic state. It doesn’t seem to fit the civilization very well, as only the capital actually follows the national religion at the moment. None of the Kayapó’s neighbors are religious either, though, so expect much of South America to soon follow Catharism anyways.

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A popular Chilean settler lands on Puerto Rico. What a swell individual, don’t you guys agree? There’s something about him that really just makes you gravitate towards him. Anyways, I’m guessing he is here to establish a rich port city in the name of Allende. More power to him.

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Central America has been doing what they were destined to do: Staying in the center of America. This means that there is a lot of space left in Northern Mexico though, which the Mohave will gladly fill up. These desert natives once looked like they would be quickly eaten up by their northern neighbor, but are now really having a glow up, plopping cities all around. If this will be enough for them to secure a good position on the cutthroat continent of North America remains to be seen, but they are certainly working towards it.

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Tupac Yupanqui is tired of the constant confusion. ‘’Those damn Brazilians stole our national colors and just changed the tone slightly. Now all my diplomatic maps look like shit! And my men don’t even know which banner to follow! There’s only one way to solve this, and that is through violence.’’ I don’t think this is quite what Pedro had in mind when he asked the Incan emperor to ‘’come to Brazil’’...

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As expected, the Massagetae have acquired lots of copper with their newest settlement. This might come in handy when making those iconic battle-axes of theirs. Meanwhile, Tomyris and Donduk Kuular settle for peace. That’s one less potential threat for the warrior queen, I suppose.

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Now that’s more like it. The Castilian commanders ditched the plan to siege Amsterdam and decided to put all of their focus on taking London. Their armies are running thin though, while the few units that the Dutch have are looking very healthy. Unless the Castilians pull out some masterful strategy, London will likely stay under the house of Orange for a while longer.

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Sneaky snitch Bulan gets some of his own medicine, as Vsevolod launches an attack against the Khazar homeland while all of their armies are away. The land around the cities of Sarkel and Balanjar is very flat, so our steppe bros won’t be able to utilize the terrain for a clutch defense either. Unless Vladimir suddenly has a major change of heart, Khazaria is not coming out of this war unscaved

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The Permian bear is growing bigger and stronger by the day, swiftly expanding while also organizing some small raids into Massagetae lands. It doesn’t look like Azykay wants to seriously commit to a conquest of Central Asia just yet, but he is playing his cards right so as to gain a Perm-anent advantage over Tomyris.

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The Republic of Vermont has been lagging behind its big brother America quite a bit. To keep it that way, Roosevelt has ordered the construction of a line of cities in the Great Lakes area, preventing Vermont from expanding westwards. It doesn’t look like the green mountain boys appreciated this development, as Vermont’s military is now slowly marching towards Washington. It’s doubtful that they would be able to take much in the event of a war, though, as America has a sizeable force at home.

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It’s a scramble for South-America, as both the Inca and the Muisca race to settle as much of the Andes as they can. These lands might not be the most productive out there, but the white peaks of the Andes form an excellent natural wall in case anyone ever tries to invade. While Tupac and Nemequene are living life so seriously, a young Kwak does her little dance in the woods. Dancing queen, watch that scene.

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Potatau Head’s quick settling of New Zealand has impressed many an observer, but for now it seems like he doesn’t have any more interest in pumping out cities. Instead, he has been spending his time recruiting capable men from the many Maori tribes to join his armies. What a shame it would be if these troops decided to ‘’migrate’’ towards continental Australia, don’t you think?

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Lil’ Timor has been doing quite well for itself, building up a surprisingly productive and populous capital as well as two additional well-placed cities. Xanana Gusmaõ is said to be a very lazy leader, though, so this might be the most Timorese action we’ll see in a while. Still, if they were to decide to team up with the Wiradjuri for some succulent lizard steak… A man can only dream.

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The madman is actually doing it! Iron Jacket decides that he has had enough of the American mistreatment of native civilizations, declaring war on Roosevelt. As his men are marching on Apopka, Iron Jacket proclaims his love for small, spineless cacti. They are so round and bubblicious, they simply must be a gift from god. Back to the war: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Comanche actually have a chance here. While Apopka lies in a hilly landscape and has city walls, there are very few American troops to actually help defend the city. If the Comanche troops move swiftly, they might be able to overwhelm it before reinforcements arrive. This wouldn’t win them the game, but would be legendary in its own right.

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Ah, so that’s the plan. America’s other incompetent neighbor, Vermont, also declares war, hoping to maybe take a city or at least distract the boys in blue for a bit. Such a daring collaboration of the incompetent is rarely observed. Will it work out, though? Or is this only a small bump in Roosevelt’s road to being the top dog in eastern North America? Find out next time, on CBR Z… I mean X!

Episode 4: Who Wants to Be a Conqueror? – S3

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