Civ Battle Royale August 23, 2023
GameboyColor
Hello and welcome to Episode 42 of CBRX3! I am GameboyColor here to narrate our first episode post-Total War. Please be sure to keep hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, and be sure to buckle up, we’ve got a lot of slides to get through today.
Taking a moment to view this wonderful map by Vihreaa, we can still see the bane of power rankers everywhere, Yongle, chilling in East Asia. Their old enemy Han is less than half the size of Yongle’s revived city-state; it is unbelievable how far they have fallen in such a short time.
Posted by u/Quantumbotany on Reddit, they mapped out the zones of greatest nuclear devastation on the cylinder, complete with lore. From our ivory submarine, it can be difficult sometimes to remember just how dystopian the cylinder outside can be.
Thank you to CBRX’s honorable patrons! Without you all this project would not be possible.
Looking at the power rankings for the last episode, our queen Isabella has jumped up 3 places! Isabella truly has made the most savvy move we’ve ever seen from a bottom tier power in CBR history, and hijinks like these are part of what makes CBR CBR. Isabella is my mad queen, and nobody can convince me to change my mind.
As we open this episode Turkish Biotroopers advance through the northern reaches of the Siberian tundra towards Tuva’s provisional capital at Mugur-Aksy.
The Tuvan navy in what I believe is Lake Baikal is too weak to provide a roadblock for any future Turkish forces, meaning this entire Tuvan region lies undefended.
The government of the City-State of Avi Mota traces its lineage directly from the original settlers of the region thousands of years ago. Since ancient times the city’s upper crust has maintained a highly stratified society, which in the time of Avi Motan expansion we can see reflected in the creation of its puppetted tributaries. Avi Motan culture though is far removed from its original Mohave roots, as thousands of years of cultural exchange in the region have created a people truly unique. Protests on the part of the Avi Motan populace against the unilateral decisions by the City-State’s old guard to expand Avi Mota’s borders through bloody conquest have recently resulted in the establishment of the Sister Cities program, allowing a select few cities greater freedoms, such as Nar Le, with Avi Mota serving as a “first among equals”.
Currently, Avi Mota is keeping most of its forces close by as city garrisons, increasingly fearful of the Turkish threat.
All is quiet in Polynesia, as hundreds of pops worth of cities share the screen with only 3 naval units in total.
Yemen is no longer unhappy, as they sat on a neutral 0 happiness at the end of last episode! Either the conditions in Aden were so bad the whole empire became unhappy in aggregate, or the rest of Yemen really really hated the Adenites. Whatever the case, after last episode’s devastating flipfest dropped the city from 54 to just 4 pops, Yemen’s chances of launching a successful counterattack for Sana’a are resting 6 feet under alongside the rest of Aden.
In just 2 turns Turkish forces breached the walls of Mugur-Aksy and surrounded all of Tuva’s remaining core cities. Yongle may outlive Donduk yet, as the pause on total war allows empires to focus down on the few fronts that remain.
Afghanistan has a massive force on the outskirts of Linqiu - While the city is undamaged, Wu must be shaking in their boots as these troops alone could wipe Han off the map.
Yongle’s capital is in the deep red.. If he holds out just a little longer he could rise in the final rankings as long as he outlasts Tuva and/or Han. Just hold on!
My Bloody Valentine are an Irish-English rock band formed in Dublin in 1983. Apparently they are the pioneers of an Alt-Rock subgenre known as “Shoegaze” where they don’t really move while they play. Bizarre, but to each their own.
As Aden flips again, Tuva is reduced to just 1 city. Afghanistan isn’t even trying to compete for the free real estate - by refusing to act Durrani allows Ataturk to open up an even larger border in Northeast Asia, putting Afghanistan’s East Asian holdings at greater risk.
And so it is that Tuva perishes in 16th place. Tuva’s very promising early game earned them many supporters, however they never managed to overcome a strange aversion to science and poor land that resulted in their military falling egregiously behind the times. Even so, their absolutely massive military was filled with bodies, slowing the Turkish advance through their sheer quantity alone through multiple episodes of Total War, while at the same time conquering eastward to buy themselves more time. In the end, they just couldn’t make up that deficit. F
Speak of the devil and he will arrive - Nanjing stands on the precipice as Afghanistan and the Mohave Shogunate of Japan approach the city’s vastly out-teched walls.
Yongle’s knees tremble at the approaching gene-altered monstrosities. At the time of his first death Ming’s ships were made of wood and their guns weren’t automated. Yanked from that age and reinstated nearly 1000 years later into a world so vastly advanced from his own as to appear a dystopia erected merely for dark gods and their games. Cities piling people atop one another in buildings that skewer the heavens, lights that never go out, manmade monsters tearing into each other on cross-continental battlefields, all enabled by the production of pure power from what his advisors explained to him were facilities housing miniature suns. This age was never meant for Yongle; beleaguered, he is escorted back to the sub. 15th place for Yongle.
The sub’s denizens watch in shocked horror as a Tuvan Mechanized Infantry stares down at them from the land surrounding their second clandestine observation post. Dondak himself disembarks from the vehicle, and after hours of tense interrogation by the leaders within the submarine as to how Dondak discovered them, the parties come to an agreement: In exchange for Dondak keeping the sub’s secret, he secures the safety of his last remaining Tuvan soldiers as part of the workforce keeping the sub running.
Burgos quietly, frigidly, persists, hoping against hope to remain invisible.
Kayapo cybersubs prowl this region’s ocean, searching for the source of strange signals picked up from this corner of the globe.
While Timor, Mali, and Turkey have begun to nominally claim portions of this land, the Ugandan highlands are a barren wasteland, the sand turned to glass. Here the scars left by total war are more evident than anywhere else - multiple entire cities vaporized along with the surrounding landscape.
Europe stands calm in the aftermath of total war. Anglo-Dutch Power Armor Infantry patrol their Turkish border, ever vigilant against their existential threat, putting up a front, on the front.
Frederick’s own Power Armor looks down from Cottbus at their erstwhile homeland, most of which isn’t even puppeted anymore, pledging their direct fealty to Sultan Ataturk in Turkey.
Frederick allows one solitary tear to trail down his cheek, before he turns his eyes back northward to Brandenburger Scandinavia. He vows to do everything in his power to hold onto this land, even if it means building land troops.
Brandenburger Britain has a remarkable amount of units in it, compared to the rest of the cylinder (reminder to replace “world” elsewhere with “cylinder”). Frederick’s hunting lodge in König’s Wusterhausen is looking worse for wear, but one of his many sons can be seen enjoying the ancient forest nearby, appreciating the natural beauty of England’s sole remaining forest.
From Hoouu Niit-ko’us-i’i to Guatemala city the land burns, yet neither government can find a single unit in the region to blame for the famines and wildfires. Bureaucrats on both sides struggle to control the narrative in this war-torn region, keeping populations with scheduled showings of the military might of their future worlds units.
From a holo-ad in Huukyampve:
“Extra half ration for attendance at your designated military parade viewing area. Excitement and proper fervor is expected of all attendees. Witness the world’s most advanced air forces on full display during this wonderous time of peace. Stay Vigilant, Stay Incan”
In the land FDR’s people once called “Florida”, the worlds largest city Cuscowilla’s floodwalls climb ever higher - both to keep the waters out, and to keep the teeming masses contained and controlled within. A city this populous defies all explanation (a staggering irl equivalent of 468.66 Million!) and so drastic measures must be taken to keep the populace pacified. The conditions in Cuscowilla are too terrible to comprehend from our perception of reality.
In stark contrast, once the most populous city on the cylinder, Kremoro is an irradiated ruin. The only survivors of the Incan campaign took shelter in the cities vast network of bomb shelters, but in the face of future-worlds units, more than half of those even collapsed. Kremoro’s position as host of Skynet and a vast number of the world’s greatest wonders necessitates the Inca bring this city back online as soon as possible.
If you look closely, you can see Incan soldiers ushering Kayapo citizens out of their bunkers and back to work. Preparations must be made for when war returns to the Americas once more.
Aside from Khandagayty, Avi Mota has twice the population of any city on this slide north of the mountains. Avi Mota’s ancient roots run deep in the sandy soil of this region, and its top brass are loathe to relinquish their iron grip on the basin, limiting the sister cities program to just Nar Le and Xiangping
Wu’s story comes to a close today as Afghanistan eliminates them in 14th place. Quickly positioning themselves as a China frontrunner early on, Han rose to prominence in an extremely well-fought war where their superior tactics easily overwhelmed the Gokturks and took them out of the running for a top finish. However, as time went on they stagnated, unable to break fortress Kokang, even with a military advantage. At the outbreak of Total War their land was washed in nuclear hellfire and much of their military ceased to exist, in part due to the correction of the drone bug and in part due to brutal campaigns on all sides. However, to be killed by an endgame longshot.. Wu would be rolling in their grave right now if they weren’t safely relocated to the sub. F
Aden’s solitary citizen wallows amongst the sands of the Horn of Africa, weeping silently, terrified of drawing the ire of Turkey’s biotroopers.
Gokturk Taraz still stands unblemished somehow, playing neutral host to a conference of great generals from Avi Mota, the Mohave Shogunate, and Mohai’i. Through great conferences like these the splintered lands of Mohave pursue a (mostly) united foreign policy.
It is interesting to note that even this deep into the game, half of the civs that have founded a religion still live. You gotta have faith if you want to last long in this world I suppose.
Timor, Kayapo, Inca, Anglo-Dutch, Arapaho, Turkey, and Tuva all founded religions. The only remaining civs that didn’t are Afghanistan, Mali, Brandenburg, Castile, Yemen, and the Gokturks, and in general these civs are underdogs to dead meat at this stage. In contrast the remaining religion founders (excluding AD) may have all had the top spot at one point**. Guess you gotta have faith.
The Mohave Great General Assembly is thrown into disarray as news reaches them of an Afghan declaration of war! Xiangping has already fallen to half health, however many Avi Motan biotroopers are within range to come to the Sister City’s defense. The mountains also make for a decent natural barrier; Yet at this stage of the game, I wonder if Afghanistan’s hydras will care one way or the other.
The Mohave Shogunate’s South Korean holdings are in even worse repair, as a major Afghan force already tramples the countryside. Reinforcements are being rushed to the front from Japan, but it looks like it may already be too late.
The Afghan hydras that seemed to threaten Xiangping earlier have taken a defensive stance instead in the mountain pass, protecting Mihtarlam and Sheberghan from a potential invasion from Avi Mota.
However, the Great General Assembly has decided to instead embark on an ambitious two-pronged attack, sending strike forces straight for Afghanistan’s major air bases in the region at Guangzhou and Jalandhar. Will it pay off?
Only a small foothold on Korea remains, as Shogunate reinforcements attempt to secure Tajihi-Sarugake on the backend, perhaps as a method of cutting off Afghanistan’s Korean advance force.
The Mohave strike force dissolves as Afghanistan reinforces Tajihi-Sarugake and brings Chongjin down to the yellow.
The Great General Assembly initiates their deadman’s gambit, sending away their own force of bodyguards to launch a surprise assault on Romitan. They aim to draw Afghan troops away from the Korean front before all is lost - will it be enough?
As the submarine’s eye glides over the Turkish core, we are treated with a grim reminder that nowhere on the cylinder is safe from nuclear fallout. However where many regions have been torn asunder by monsters and missiles, deserts glassed by constant conflict, here many live normal everyday lives. Up until Total War, Turkey proper hadn’t seen real warfare for hundreds of years - it will take more to break this strong people.
It seems that Turkey has finally started building up a proper army, as many of its core cities are fully ringed by Future Worlds units.
The Great General Assembly’s two-pronged plan failed, as Afghan hydras swarm Izhma as fighting on Samagaltay’s flank bitterly rages. Xiangping stands well defended, but it will only take one unit for Afghanistan to flip the city.
However, it seems as if Afghanistan has indeed pulled their troops away from Tajihi-Sarugake, focusing on moving troops up north to protect Romitan, allowing Mohave to retake the city. However, their original expeditionary force has already taken Chongjin… and now may be eyeing up southern Japan.
Defying the odds yet again, Yemen retakes Taizz and looks to potentially be mounting a force to take Sana’a! Turkey’s nearest forces are miles away in Antalya, a blunder that is providing Yemen yet another chance to reclaim their Capital.
Avi Mota’s top brass abandon the city in opulent flying vehicles, making for island sanctuaries in Mohai’i territory. Afghan hydras and biotroopers flood the Avi Motan basin, ready to put an end to a unique experiment thousands of years in the making.
And the forces called up for Mohave’s deadman’s gambit have crumbled upon the walls of Romitan.
Also notable here is a heavy buildup of Turkish and Arapaho airforces in Almalik and Ergenekon respectively.
Sana’a is surrounded by Yemeni forces hell bent on reclaiming their capital once again. Turkey has drummed up a few biotroopers to contest the capture, but without full commitment the probability they hold the city is quite slim.
The ancient seat of power in Avi Mota is no more. As Afghan Hydras hoover up the remaining tributaries of Avi Mota, I plead with you all to remember that even though their government has fallen, the unique culture developed in this region will live on in the people and practices that remain.
A few episodes ago it would not only have been impossible to believe that Afghanistan would kill Han, but it would have been even more impossible to believe that Afghanistan would be beating former top-ranked Mohave.
Looking to the future, the sub’s observers can only wonder if Afghanistan has the capacity to continue to surprise, or if they are rapidly approaching the final wall.
Qarakhoja has fallen, as the remainder of the City-State of Mota is surrounded.
Ah it seems the Anglo-Dutch are as plucky as ever! I’m sure that antagonizing one of the only civilizations with the ability to project their power over the oceans can only go well for them.
The sheer number of hydras commanded by Afghanistan in this slide is ridiculous when compared to the barren frontlines seen across the cylinder.
A few select members of the Great General Assembly struggle to hold the frontlines against overwhelming odds, but at least they will die with honor.
Afghanistan makes the prophesied landfall on Japan, threatening Mohave’s ability to ever regroup and reclaim their lost land on the continent.
Turkey has managed to bring their forces to bear just in time, as Yemen is pushed back once again to the coast and Taizz is lost. I’m personally a big Yemen fan, as they’ve always punched above their weight even with such an odd, non-contiguous empire. So I’m still pulling for them to retake their capital once more, even if it’s a long shot.
Afghan troops continue to clean up the remains of Avi Mota.
No signs of life across the border in Turkey, even though they could have taken a city or two easily - perhaps Turkey and Afghanistan made an agreement behind closed doors. After all, Afghanistan left undefended Tuva to Turkey earlier… makes one think.
Sugamuxi’s Kayapan Great Engineer can be seen here wracking their brain as they contemplate the issues of the day.
How do we fit the next pop’s worth of people onto this island? In the inevitable future where this city is conquered, how can I keep as many of our people safe as possible? Now that almonds have gone extinct, which milk replacement should I buy from the store? So many problems, so little time.
In other news, Iberia is confirmed to be a smoldering ruin.
Mohave successfully ejects Afghanistan from Japan for the time being. If Durrani wants to oust the Mohave from Asia entirely, he will have to try harder than this.
Avi Mota’s clock continues to tick down…
A ragtag Yemeni strikeforce once again takes Taizz, but they’re almost certainly unable to hold it.
Fun fact! IRL this area is also called the Gulf of Aden, so this battle would be similarly named in both our reality and theirs. Neat!
The funeral dirge sounds in honorary celebration of the life and death of Avi Mota, the cylinder’s unofficial 62nd civilization. You will be missed.
Mohave continues to hold onto mainland Japan, though a parade of Afghan hydras crawl up the cost towards Yoshida-Koriyama
Afghanistan manages to briefly capture half of Mohave Japan, though a strong local force of biotroopers is hell bent on ensuring that Afghanistan stays shorebound.
All is not well in the Pacific as its two titans shout derisions at each other from across the pond. However it doesn’t seem like either power is willing to back up its words with military force, as only one naval military unit is visible on this slide.
The last Afghan hydra is surrounded by Mohave biotroopers and sentenced to execution for “intent to commit war crimes”.
A golden age dawns in the sub as its occupants celebrate the continuation of their favorite blood sport.
Turkey captures Aden once again, and Yemeni forces are worryingly thin on the ground. Ibb is in great danger of falling should the Sultan will it so.
Mohave’s Great General Assembly has concocted another aggressive gambit to secure their place on mainland Asia once again: Send all of Japan’s defensive garrison in an all-out attack on occupied Korea.
Ibb falls, and Yemen’s future hangs in the balance. If they can put up a good fight here they have a great chance to continue being a thorn in Turkey’s side well into the future.
The remaining members of the Mohave Great General Assembly are certainly earning their paychecks as Mohave South Korea is successfully reclaimed.
Yemeni forces back off of the main front, prompting historians to note a pause for the moment in the Battle of Aden. Yemen instead seems to be forming a defensive line around Mbarara - Should this city be lost it would spell the definitive end of a Yemeni Horn of Africa.
Drunk on power from their successes in South Korea, Mohave biotroopers surround the Afghan air fortress at Hamhung in a bid to weaken Afghanistan’s power projection in the region and cut Pyongyang off from the mainland. Will this bid to unite Korea under the Mohave banner succeed?
Secure in their new conquests, Turkish airforces move to garrison the Horn of Africa and begin a targeted bombardment of Mbarara. Already brought down to the yellow, the leaders of the Yemeni resistance in Sana’a worry that they will never get that next chance at freedom.
All may rejoice! Castille finally enters the modern era amidst a sea of music from their esteemed Great Musicians. Finally modern amenities have come to Antarctica.
Such an incredible change has brought all of Castilian civilization out in the streets to celebrate, starting an illustrious Golden Age. Truly the future of all Castilians (except for those remaining in the fiery hellscape of Iberia) has never looked brighter.
Brought deep into the red, Mbarara stands upon the precipice. The undying Yemeni hatred of the Turkish imperialists only inspires them to fight furiously to keep Turkish units away from the city.
Upon becoming a modern society, the Castilian Burgosi decide that Liberalism is the only way forward for their people.
The Tuvan workers on the second submarine seethe in jealousy at the privileged position of the Castilians in Burgos. They take to Antarctic social media and call the Burgosi all sorts of mean names.
In other news, the siege of Hamhung seems to have been rebuffed, though the General Assembly did successfully scare the Afghan military into withdrawing their airforce from the region.
Isabella, unable to withstand the mean comments and misinformation being spread about her online by the Tuvans, passes legislation limiting what kinds of liberal expression are acceptable for the Burgosi in this new modern age. Some citizens begin to wonder if this new age is actually Golden, merely Gilded, or truly Tarnished.
Furious with Yemen’s loss in the Battle of Aden, civilians have begun raiding local military bases for equipment. They proclaim an end to the incompetent Yemeni government, dubbing themselves “The Penguins”.
Elis Regina is born in The Hague, bringing a new flair to the region’s Jazz scene.
The Caribbean lies quiet, with not a single naval military unit to be seen. While some civs seem to be building land troops, it seems to be a pattern across the cylinder to avoid rebuilding navies lost in Total War.
The Gokturks huddle quietly amongst Arapaho’s northern territories in the Bering Strait. The government of Gaochang has decreed that Gokturk Sign Language is to become the country’s national language in a bid to remain quiet enough to continue flying under Arapaho radar.
Taking advantage of the brief retreat of Afghanistan’s airforce from Hamhung, the Great General Assembly has pivoted their forces in the region into an imminently successful siege of Pyongyang.
And there you have it folks! I leave you today with a Korea twice united today by two separate powers, and a Great General Assembly planning their next move. This has been GameboyColor, signing off.