Civ Battle Royale September 20, 2023
ExplosiveWatermelon & Emu Spy
At the end of the world’s first cycle, we see the damage the Civ Battle Royale has inflicted upon the societies of the Cylinder. Still, we observe…
Hello everyone! My name is /u/ExplosiveWatermelon, and I’m going to be your lovely narrator for this episode. I’m always very excited to return to CBR narration, especially with how amazing X3 has been! Thus, it’s an honor to narrate this episode- the last episode before X3 transitions to Cycle 2, where the winner will be determined on a smaller map.
While my personal favorite competitor is Timor-Leste, I’m very glad with the competitors going into the final round.
I don’t know if this counts as cheating, but hey- the newly released Khoshuts civ under Güshi Khan was by one of the CBR showrunners (the very wonderful Coiot) and I. Figured I’d shout it out, especially because I’m very happy with the final product and I always love to hear from people who enjoy my work.
Time has shifted in favor of the Gokturks, who have been brought back to life! What repercussions will this have??? Probably very little. Ah well.
By the divine reincarnation of Sitting Bull! What’s this!? Why yes, it’s our wonderful contributors who have made this show possible! We thank you for your continued support- it really does make an impact. If you’re not able to pay a continued subscription, don’t worry, Ko-Fi supports individual payments- so, if you enjoyed this episode, slide maybe $5 into the donation bin with a note that say “The radiant ExplosiveWatermelon inspired me to give this tithe to our CBR overlords. Blessed be!”
We’ve entered an endless recursion of time
Deep in the reaches of the cylinder, during the centuries of war and terror, hushed tones began to speak-
“Could this mean the end of our world?”Sympathy. Regret. Anger. Many people expressed these regards in one form or another… but nobody had an answer.
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Afghan Biotroopers surround the Turkish city of Chaa-khol as we get a glimpse at what was once core Tuvan territory. Notably, Otuken down south is in the yellow with only a few biotroopers nearby, but no strong defense.
Irataba of the Mohave Shogunate desperately tries to defend his precious Japanese cities. I’m going to play the pessimist here- I don’t think the Mohave stand a chance of making a comeback. They only have a small foothold on the mainland while the rest of their cities are on the accursed Japanese archipelago. Facing assaults from both Afghanistan and the dreaded Arapaho, I think Irataba’s likely struggling to hold out past Yemen.
In Central America, we see some damage in Aha Kwi Nyamasave and Selye’aya Ita (Sorry, Doc). However, the lack of any melee units, Naval or otherwise, suggests that this region is going to be like this for a while.
Afghanistan takes Qarakhoja, the former capital of Qocho. Honestly, I forgot the Qocho used to be in this game.
Turkish Biotroopers are trying their hardest to reclaim the city, but their assault on the city of Samagaltay. Afghanistan, truly living up to the title of ‘Graveyard of Empires’, has been one of the biggest victors of Total War since the initial declaration. Let’s hope they continue their pluckish endeavors.
Cities have become the foundation of battlegrounds. The dead litter the streets. In spite of this, hostilities continue. Armies of the damned march forward. What is the value in a mile?
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Meanwhile, in Southeast Asia- Afghanistan continues their… fierce? Resistance against Timor-Leste. It’s hard to say exactly how strong their fighting skills are considering there’s about 5 units on-screen.
Even old Turkish territory once belonged to the Anglo-Dutch- who fought to the bitter end. As we remembered our orange soldiers, let’s look over the territory seen here-
London flipped to Mali, but this is one of the few conflicts on the Cylinder that looks like it can perpetuate a little bit longer. There’s both Turkish and Malian soldiers near The Hague and London respectively. Brandenburg-in-exile is sitting calmly to the north, their capital in Nordic Frankfurt.
In Africa, the confluence of three major state- Mali, Turkey, and Timor-Leste- serves as one of the most colorful and graphic battlegrounds during the Perpetual War. While it looks very chaotic, let’s not overlook the facts- all these civs are at war with one-another, meaning they’ll blindly fight each other while making little to no progress. There’s no victor here, besides the audience.
Brandenburg’s Northern front is also making very slow progress, but it is progress- for Turkey, that is. Brandenburg forces are steadily dwindling. That said, let’s talk about what’s happening on the cylinder:
Civilizations have stopped training units by this point. They are fighting with whatever reserves they have left. How could that be?
Semiramis walked through the monitoring halls, viewing remnants of whatever war was left. There was no spirit in the fight. All soldiers left were serfs and criminals- there was no reason the middle or upper class would want to serve in a fruitless conflict. Especially not if they were aware of the game.
Maybe the RIS was right- maybe there was nothing to be gained.
The thought quickly purged itself from her head as she approached the doors of Nebuchadnezzar’s chambers.
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Turkish soldiers push towards Afghanistan’s core in a desperate charge. A few cities might flip, but I suspect that Ataturk won’t be able to take Kandahar.
The chambers of Nebuchadnezzar were rarely opened. He preferred to keep his mystical air about him, after all. Still, Semiramis walked in through the gates.
Something was different. There was a dusty room that hardly looked inhabited. There was no throne, and no king… just spiders. Servers lined the walls that seemed to extend endlessly.
“Ah,” a voice said, “You’re not supposed to be here.”
The room suddenly changed back, and Nebuchadnezzar was sitting there, perched on his throne, in front of Semiramis.
“Well, Agent S?”
What? Was she just supposed to forget about what she saw?
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The entirety of the Mohave-Arapaho front is barren. Death roams these lands.
“Wait, hold on,” Semiramis panicked, “Did you not see that?”
“See what?” Nebuchadnezzar asked. He stroked his beard. “I see everything. That’s what the sub is for.”
“Then surely- you saw the server room!” Semiramis yelled.
“... Server room? Why, that’s not anywhere near here. Come, let me guide you-” Nebuchadnezzar began to step out of his throne for the first time in many ages, and walked towards Semiramis.
“No,” Semiramis began to break down, “You’re lying to me!”
Nebuchadnezzar shook his head, “Dear, I frankly have no clue what you’re talking about.”
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The Mohave siege Linqiu, bringing it down to half-health. There are few reinforcements available. If these soldiers are unable to commit, the city will not fall.
Semiramis walked through the halls with her king… She thought about the sight in front of her. What was it? Is she real? How could she know? She felt like she was about to evaporate if she thought too hard about-
“Is something the matter?” Nebuchadnezzar asked.
Semiramis was brought back to ‘reality’- whatever that word even meant, anymore. “Yes,” Semiramis spoke, “It’s just that… What if the game doesn’t mean anything anymore? Raoni, Isabella- they know that there’s no endgame. The victory is meaningless, there’s no trophy, and throughout all of this-”
It was all fake. That’s what she wanted to say. However, the words wouldn’t come out. No, rather- they couldn’t.
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Turkey pulls an impressive maneuver and manages to take both Benguela and Lobito from Mali. There’s no defense around either city, but Mali doesn’t have that many resources left to take both. I suspect Mali will be able to reclaim one, but not the other.
“... I see”
Nebuchadnezzar stroked his beard. He put a hand on Semiramis’ shoulder to stop her.
“I’m as omniscient as they come, and even I am blind to inner conflicts. Yet, you trusted me with this knowledge regardless…” Nebuchadnezzar leaned against one of the walls of the submarine.
“There are many things that even unlimited knowledge cannot know. Is there someone even smarter me, pulling the strings behind even the smallest actions? Who does a god pray to? In the grand scheme of things, does this matter?”
“The answer, Agent S,” Nebuchadnezzar smiled, “is ‘Yes.’ Not because we have some predetermined meaning that we fulfill, or anything like that. It has meaning because we give it meaning. God created man so that man may create god.”
Agent S stared blankly at the king. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“Does it have to? You see it all around you- people create their own truths of the universe. Raoni and Isabella came to the conclusion that this world is built on meaningless conflict. Really, all I’ve done is created a world for mankind to destroy themselves.”
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In a sudden maneuver, the Arapaho take both Koshoy Korgon and Tashkurghan from the Mohave. Both cities are big claims, but Mohave is already back on the offensive in order to reclaim them.
It didn’t make sense. Semiramis was stunned. What an irrational thought. How do you handle the reality around you falling apart?
Sometimes, you just have to. Even if it doesn’t make sense.
You wake up to an uncaring world and you’re encouraged to put kindness into it with no expectation of reward. No, rather, it’s because the world is uncaring that one puts kindness into it. The apathetic nature of the universe is neither good nor evil. It is neither ordered or chaotic.
“It is what it is, huh?” Semiramis chuckled.
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Rangpur is captured by Timor-Leste in a strong push towards Afghanistan-controlled India. Combat surges around Laukkai, but it’s damn-near impossible to predict the outcome of combat at this point in the game.
Here we get a strong glance at Timorese Africa, centered on the former Kilwa capital of Kilwa Kisiwani. We can also see that Yemen’s Madagascar-based capital of Isandlwana has a population of 80. I know it’s not the most populated city, but it’s still fairly impressive when compared to every other city in the screenshot- next highest is Kampala, at 40. You can fit 2 Kampalas in Isandlwana.
Mali has captured Salerno and Palermo from Turkey! However, it doesn’t seem like they’ll hold onto it for too long. That said, Mali has certainly proven themselves recently.
Afghanistan takes Asir, and it seems the front has shifted further away from Kandahar. Turkey’s been taking a lot of Ls lately- could they be losing momentum?
Mali has recaptured both Lobito and Benguela from Turkey, and is pushing on towards Pristina. Furthermore, Timorese troops have taken Sarh, and defenses are sparse on Turkey’s southern front. Could this spell the end of Ataturk’s African Adventures?
The cylinder continues to spin on its axis. Semiramis watches the monitors carefully.
“You know,” Nebuchadnezzar says, “I never actually told them to go to war.”
“What?” Semiramis asked.
“I mean, sure, world domination is its own reward in a way- but there’s no incentive for it. If they don’t wish to fight, then that’s up to them. However, until then, I shall let these worlds live their existences… until they, too, crumble.”
“That sounds sad,” Semiramis said, “They’re just doomed to fight each other simply… because they can?”
Nebuchadnezzar nodded. “But each of these leaders gets a chance to prove themselves once again. For some, it may be a chance to redeem lives they once had. For others, it could be as simple as pursuing goals they never intended. Even if they destroy themselves, I shall let them live.”
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Not much to say here- while the screenshot is mainly Afghanistan’s core, it’s mostly more evidence of Turkey’s dwindling power. Afghanistan’s soldiers push towards the former Tuvan core. That said, a look at the minimap reveals Turkey has captured a city from Mali’s core… somehow.
Oviedo is being besieged by Malian troops, and it looks likely to fall. Brandenburg responds by doing nothing. Dude.
Brandenburg defends Cottbus as they attempt to push towards Berlin. Normally, I’d be rooting for a civ doing something as bold as retaking their capital- but I’m not a huge fan of Brandenburg. I hope they flounder from here.
Mali make an impressive push into Timorese Africa, taking Luanda and sieging Abeche. This could be a huge turnaround right before the world gets set to a smaller scale- could Mali make the most of it?
It certainly seems that way, as Mali captures Oviedo from Brandenburg! Hopefully, this offensive hasn’t left them distracted on other fronts.
Mohave retakes Koshoy Korgon as they attempt to reunify the Japanese island of Honshu. Tashkurghan remains in Arapaho hands.
Semiramis, lying in her bed, listens to the rumble of the ocean outside the submarine. Things felt peaceful. There are moments she thinks of the server room, but it feels distant now. Does it matter what she saw?
Slowly, sleep takes her.
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Mali captures Titograd as Sundiata’s forces continue towards Skopje. There’s some skirmishes as Malian soldiers land in Southern Italy.
Darkness. It’s cold. Very cold. Semiramis’ bed felt hard beneath her. She tried to open her eyes, but she lacked the strength. She felt her organs churning inside of her, stirring. It hurt. It hurt so much.
“Oh, you’re back,” a familiar voice rang. The image of the server room came into focus for a split second, before everything went dark.
“Listen,” the voice said, “I’m not here to hurt you. I’m not your enemy.”“I’m simply here to observe.”
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Yemen captures Mbarara from Timor-Leste and begins to raze it. There’s 11 turns left to save the city.
When a computer starts to run out of storage space, it will begin to deteriorate. The hardware will burn as the system tries desperately to keep itself active. Nothing new can be formed, and what is there may become unstable.
Semiramis’ head was hurting. She couldn’t comprehend what was going on.
“Ah damn,” the voice called out, “Hey, [DATA EXPUNGED], I think we’ll need to restart. The subject is deteriorating. I tried resetting her parameters but it just spit her out again.”
Semiramis heard the noise of very soft footsteps- something very small and light.
Quack
“No, that’d corrupt the current state of the world- it wouldn’t work.”
Quack
“I’ll give it a shot. Once we reset everything, she won’t exist. Simple as that.”
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While the map is currently centered on Pristina getting sieged by Mali, I would also like to draw your attention towards the top of the screen- Salerno has been captured.
… Unfortunately, immediately after, both Titograd and Tripoli fell to Turkish forces. Sorry, Sundiata- it is what it is.
Semiramis wanted to cry, but nothing came. There was no joy. No sadness. Slowly, everything began to come apart. It felt like a cold hand slipped through her skin and began to pull her organs out by the pores.
But it didn’t hurt. The pain stopped. Bit-by-bit, Semiramis was undone. All that remained was a memory-
“It is what it is, huh?”
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Ghazni is reclaimed by Afghanistan, its original owners, after a long period of Turkish rule over the city. Notably, this means Afghanistan’s offensive has progressed to the point of being able to capture cities on the Arabian peninsula.
Up north, Afghanistan also claims the city of Asir. Scattered forces engage in sporadic combat.
Romitan takes heavy damage, but Turkey is able to capture Almalik from Arapaho. Turkey is working very carefully to recoup their losses before the end of the episode, but it seems like their efforts have been a mixed bag.
Afghanistan captures the former capital of Kokang from Timorese forces. Honestly, I’ve been greatly impressed with Afghanistan this episode- even if the gains are marginal.
Turkey captures Shiraoi from the Arapaho, creating some lovely bordergore that’ll likely soon be resolved by Afghanistan soldiers nearby.
The city of Patna, formerly Timor’s, and before then Bengal’s, has been captured by Afghanistan as they expand their graveyard southwards.
The Mohave captures Linqiu from Afghanistan, thus gaining them a city in mainland China. It doesn’t look like it’ll last long, but hey, I prefer to look on the bright side of things.
Mali has regained control of Titograd and Tripoli since we last saw them, and maintains their grasp on Salerno. Not much else has changed, although they’re now besieging Aouzou.
3 turns later, somehow Turkey has suddenly captured Benguela, pushed back the Malian forces around Aouzou, and launched fierce sieges of Pristina and Moundou
Afghanistan captures Nevkat and Shiraoi, as they make a strong push northwards. Shiraoi sits at 0 HP, though, and will likely fall back.
Inca pushes further and further north as they capture Baja California’s two cities- Aha Kwi Nyamasave and Aha Kwahwat.
Inca captures Eugowra. That’s it. That’s the slide.
Hey folks, Emu here again to finish out the episode. Now where were we……. Oh, the situation has barely changed since last episode. Great. Anyway, Fred-Willy stands pleased at his generals’ response to the end of the Oranienburg siege, and the fact that he gets to paint a picture of Brandenburger expansion on all fronts is just icing on the cake. It might take a couple thousand years, but that’s fine, he’s got….. A message from Raoni? What could it…. Shit. Nonononono. This can’t be happening. But there’s the proof. He immediately calls for a cybersub to take him to the South Sandwich islands.
Sundiata take yet another stab at Italy. This one seems to be actually somewhat successful.
In a Gaochang bunker, Qaghan has gotten the message too, but for the past few decades he’s been unable to leave his Diomede domain at all. It’s strange, he almost feels like he remembers this ‘Babylon’ mentioned in the invitation, but it’s….. Distant, at best. Of course this didn’t matter at all if he couldn’t actually get to the meeting. Raoni said he’d sent transport, but he didn’t see it yet. Ah, that knock at the door must be it.
“So you’re the one who brought himself back from the dead. Care to come down south and clear up how you did it?”
The pilots and mechanics couldn’t understand their orders, but far be it from them to question such a peaceful assignment. They know they’re here to guard against an Arapaho advance, of course, but why weren’t they attacking? Eh, something for the brass to figure out.
Ataturk’s generals in the Far East department were told not to expect an attack anytime soon, so it was fine that all troops under their command were being transferred. Ataturk was of course surprised that Durrani was so eager to keep up appearances even now, but that was to be dealt with later. If there was a later.
Of course, Ataturk was mistaken. Durrani was one of the last world leaders to get the message because of his unusually tumultuous frontiers. But once he got it, even the most ambitious leader on the Cylinder had to hold off a bit. These islands were the last offensive initiative carried out on the orders of any immortal, but the generals kept operating on their own for a little while longer.
Strangely enough, with Ataturk out of command, the African front was doing better than ever. The generals suspected they were being led into some sort of trap, but they just kept getting offered free cities and they just kept taking them. This was certainly exceptionally strange, but after a lifetime of nothing but war you tend to not be too surprised by much.
After months of deliberation and fact-checking, Sundiata finally leaves his briefing room. He brushes off a report on the state of the war on his way to personally pilot his hyperjet to the Null Island Naval Base. The last Immortal has left for the south, leaving the cylinder in the hands of the people for the first time in history. At least, that’s how the brass sees it.
Irataba steps into a briefing room deep in the Antarctic. He was still a little uneasy about leaving a virtual idol of himself to be the figurehead for the country, but this needed his presence in person. As he stepped in, he recognized faces he hadn’t seen in person for over a millennium. Evidently they’d all been here long enough to get over the moment of shock that was now gripping him. A woman in ancient dress stood up. Irataba tried to check his surprise at seeing the dead alive again. “Now that we’re all here….. Welcome to the RIS. We have a lot to cover.”
“Alright, alright alright….. So there’s a way we can stop them, right? You better tell me there’s a way we can stop them.” Xanana had never fully pondered the idea of losing his empire, and while that usually served an underdog well, it was not spelling good things for his composure here. Raoni sighed. “No. Well, not exactly. But we can run. And I don’t mean to an exoplanet either. We know it can be done, but we’re not entirely sure how. Fortunately, we have Qagan here to enlighten us.”“ME?!?!”
“Yes, we all know I’m great, what’s your point?” A risky remark, but it brought a bit of much-needed levity to a table full of people looking into the fabric of their very existence. “This”, said Raoni with a smile, “is the In Game Editor. It uses Babylonian technology to remake parts of the Cylinder on a massive scale.”
“Ah,” sighed Xanana in relief, so we can just undo anything the Babylonians do, and we’re good.”“Not exactly. See, they’re planning on using another part of this interface to destroy this world and build a completely new one from scratch. They call it Project Lunar.”“So what’s our move?”“Simple. We make our own.”
Meanwhile, Ataturk’s desert tactics specialists continue to fight in Arabia with such tenacity the locals mistake them for Yemenis several times. They were at the very crest of the rising wave of world populism. Anything could happen in this brave new world.
The dream of the Afghan people since the days of the first Kokang war was fulfilled. Here the Regent was, wading in the South Kokang Sea. The world was wide open. The world was closed tight.
“So, let me get this straight…” said an indignant Pretty Nose, “You’re going to clone us like common soldiers?”“You’d think so, but you can’t really clone an immortal, as I’m sure your researchers have told you. We’re cloning the world itself, jumping over to the new one, and leaving the old one to its inevitable fate. The Babylonians will simply make more leaders, I assume. Subtly different from us, but similar enough to satisfy their audience.”“Hold on, hold on, they can MAKE immortals???” interjected an increasingly anxious Xanana.
“Well, how else do you think we came about?”This silenced him quite effectively.
“There is, however, a problem.”
Surely they have to be running out of bodies?
Mali continues to create chaotic fronts, even without Sundiata at its head. Note the Great Musician chilling in Lake Geneva.
In the declining days of TImorese power, one last offensive on Ryukyu succeeds. I’m sure the navies of the world are very proud.
“Well it’s certainly not going to be me”A general murmur of similar statements ripples around the table“Please, please, we’ve already worked this out.” said Raoni with a conciliatory gesture. “Isabella and I will stay behind. We’re the only ones with both the immortality and the knowledge required to operate the transporter anyway.”
A somber mood fell over the table as Raoni’s sacrifice sunk in.
“..... So this is it, huh. You know, despite everything, I’m really going to miss you.” replied Tupac, with more sympathy than he’d ever shown to any other immortal.
It really is amazing how Afghanistan has become a real contender. Here they are rampaging down Indochina to the last.
“So…. This is it. Here’s to eternal peace.” Even Raoni, who had been contemplating this moment for centuries, couldn’t help but be awed at the prospect that awaited his compatriots. He saluted goodbye to a group that he’d hated and loved at once for millenia.
A flash of light, and the new leaders of the Cylinder dispersed to their homes, while the old went forward as one to their eternal destiny.
Somewhere, in a paradise surrounded by mountains, there is a submarine. Inside the submarine is a king, fondly looking over his subjects.
“Nebuchadnezzar!” one says, “I need your help!”
“What is it, Agent A?” The king responds.
“I can’t find Semiramis. I’ve been looking for her for damn near three days!” Agent A responds.
“I’m sorry,” the King says, “I don’t recall a… Semiramis?”
Something vaguely clicks in the back of his head. A sense of fear washes over him.
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Here’s a wonderful shot of the Egyptian core. The capital of Ankara sits at 69 population, although it’s overshadowed by Antalya in the Southeast at 75.
ERROR.
A server room lights up. Alarms start to blare.
“Ah damn,” someone says, “I guess Agent S wins this round. Honestly, I didn’t expect people to miss her.”
Quack
“Yeah, I know. Plan B?”
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Afghanistan’s core. Kandahar is surrounded by radiation, but overall? It’s peaceful. All cities are sitting at a very respectable population, with Korkai down south holding the top spot.
“Isabella,” The chief says, the sound of unease in his voice apparent.
“Hm?” Isabella turns her head to look at the elder man. The RIS had won, what could he be concerned about?
“What happens from here? Is all our effort for naught? This game will end, and a new one will begin.”
“Raoni,” Isabella thought for a moment, “I don’t really care. All I know is that, at this moment, I’m grateful to be friends with you.”
“Aye,” Raoni says, “That’ll be all, then.”
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The Incan core, formerly the amazon rainforest, has been taken over by machines and soldiers. Honestly, they have an impressive unit carpet around the coasts- but inland, it gets a little more sparse. Cusco is the highest population city in this screenshot.
Arapaho’s core is impressive as always, with Heet-ko’einoo’ being the most populous city on this side of the cylinder.
Timorese Africa is very sparsely populated, but consider the sheer number of cities Timor-Leste has at their disposal? They could seriously be in the running for the victor after the reset.
For once, in a cycle of violence and misfortune… there was peace. Everyone stood together. They knew that even if this was temporary, that at least they could be together at this moment.
For what else is life, if not something to be spent together?
Then, in an instant, the moment was gone.
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Thank you so much for reading this episode! I’ve been /u/ExplosiveWatermelon, and I hope you continue to enjoy CBRX Season 3 in the next cycle. Cheers!