Episode 5: The Realm of the Mad Gods

1: Guess who’s back? Back again?

Welcome and greetings to all you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals, it is I, Orange (aka u/Orangechrisy aka that weird depressed girl who makes the civball comics)! I’m back again with Episode 5, just like I was with MkX2 and MkX1, keeping this useless streak alive for some reason. Anyways I love the CBR too much and am so glad it’s still going on and that I can contribute more to it. I’ve finally bribed, uh I mean applied my way into being a Power Ranker! Maybe next time I narrate I’ll have infiltrated, ack um… “joined”, yeah, I’ll have joined the dev team despite my lack of skills.

So prepare yourselves once more for my terrible humor and a look into the stream of fuckery that is my thoughts. Oh and sorry in advance for how much I wrote, but I do hope you read it all. With that, let’s begin!

2: Learnin’ Time!

The lad whose name is three letters is bringing us through all the letters to take a look at every civ. This week u/E_C_H gives us the low down on the Anglo-Dutch. William III is an interesting character and some family drama leading to a Dutchman taking over England in the Glorious Revolution is quite the story. Though his performance in the game is not quite as “glorious”.

3: MAP :D

Vihreaa makes some wonderful maps and they are always so nice to look at. Really helps in visualizing the expansion of civs.

4: Show Buy

Yo, hi! Oh my, it’s the Ko-fi, and it’s so fly to help the Co-i (ot) so that the site doesn’t go bye. Okay it’s kinda hard to keep that rhyme scheme going I dunno how rappers do this, guess I gotta let this flow die.

5: Bearrelling along

The Permians retain their top spot of the power rankings as they make their way to 8 cities and don’t really seem to be slowing down. All that space, weak neighbors on most sides, things are just looking up for Azykay.

Now, onto the real show!

6: Everybody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

We begin this episode with Castile’s failed attack against the Anglo Dutch but what’s this? IT’S YUGOSLAVIA AND THE NORMANS FROM BEHIND WITH STEEL CHAIRS! Hmm what’s that? I’m being informed that neither civ has units on the front or really capable of doing anything. Seems Willy III lives another day.

7: Euph(rates) got to be kidding me

Ignore that pun. It seems Akhenaten has swiftly taken Nineveh leaving Sammuramat with just her capital remaining. Akhenaten was last seen commenting on Sammuramat’s Claytabletgram’s rather “interesting” selfies with “THE SUN SHALL DESTROY ALL DISPLAYS OF EROTICISM” on every post.

08: I hate sand

We catch another look at the snoozefest in West Africa. Wait, what's this? Is that… A CITY? Why yes indeed it is. Mali has finally gotten off their butt and produced some settlers, one founding Krina on the Niger and one heading up the coast towards Mauritania. Will Tetuoan follow suit? Eh, probably not.

09: End of a Life

Here we see the remains of the Mori settler, now but a slave to the Ainu. In their last moments as free men they penned a letter that was sent back home to Yoshida-Koriyama. It read:

Fade in, fade out

This crazy dream

Without a direction, floating aimlessly

There's nothing left

Back there for us

Breathe in, but it won't stop the rain from pouring

- Your Loyal Servants

Upon receiving the letter Motonari held a period of mourning and made the letter a national artifact. He also called on Shakushain to end the hostilities between them. Sadly it was too late for the settlers, as they had already been sent to work in Ainu’s new city of Shiraoi.

10: Dragonball reference

Weeb enough for last slide’s niche reference but not weeb enough to know like any way to do an actual reference to Dragonball. But either way Kamehameha I has left Hawaii to join Isabella in her failed campaign against the Anglo-Dutch. He reported back to the queen “Their defense is over 9000 15!” and she immediately sent William III a request for peace while quaking in fear. And she was so close to taking the city as well.

11: Permianent Damage

The more important notification from last slide was the Permians allowing Massagetae to make peace, at the cost of Oxus. This is gonna be a devastating blow to Tomyris’ ambitions and further solidifies the Permians’ dominance of Central Asia.

12: A Maravalous Defense

We catch a look at Pandya’s defense of their southern half of the subcontinent. Things are currently looking fine for them but it could quickly go badly. Rani is quickly building up her Maraval’s. They gain an extra attack before their melee attack when on the coast, so Tirunelveli can be fairly easily defended with enough Maravals.

Also in the north we see another settler out for Bengal who continues to build up quite the empire.

13: Absolutely Phnomenal

Shifting a bit east is a Philippine settler preparing to surround Cambodia with a settle near irl Bangkok. Kokang is also seeking to settle a bit to the north. Sihanouk is reported to have sent letters to Yang and Aguinaldo saying “Pls no hurt :(“. Emilio Aguinaldo returned the letter with one of his own stating “No.”, while Olive Yang used the letter to smoke opium with.

14: You Cornelius Smelt It, You Cornelius Dealt It

So from a quick google it seems Corenlius Smelt was a British general during the American Civil War, and then a governor of the Isle of Mann. His historical career seems just as interesting as the war between Brazil and Argentina. The two civs have some slight squabbling but it looks like the Inca may take over the war. Maybe Tupac will spit enough fire to burn the jungle down and give him easy access to the Brazilian cities.

15: The Chaddest of War Declarations

Angola and Chad make peace to allow for Chad to turn around and attack Egypt along with the Normans. Idriss Deby posted to Claytabletgram a meme showing himself as the chad and Aten as the soyjak. Akhenaten soon responded with multiple posts saying “ATEN IS THE CHADDEST, ALL THOSE WHO REFUSE HIS LIGHT ARE THE SOYJAKS”. One of his advisors was seen keeping people away from his chief’s quarters.

Angola also sends a settler along Chad’s borders and perhaps seeks to surround Chad in the east.

16: A Norma(n)l War

A closer look at the Norman-Egypt front we can see Egypt really lacking in a western army. The Normans boast a respectable army and navy, but will it be able to take Thebes? I don’t know there’s like 60 more slides and I don’t look ahead.

Akhenaten continues to furiously post about how only Aten deserves to rule the Mediterranean. Robert Guiscard just questions how the sun in the sky is going to rule the sea.

17: Mohavin’ Some Peace

Diary of the Mohave Settler, Day 5403:

We got to sit in on Wu discussing his plans for peace with Qocho in order to focus more on the Gokturks. We feel a bit sorry for Qocho, forced into only one city. Two fellow settlers, one Han and one Ming, are seeking to surround them further. Hopefully they may have some respite in these violent times.

We continue our trek west. The promised land is still out of our reach. Perhaps we will find it in the Gobi. Spirits remain high.

18: Vl-adimiring Some Cities

Vsevolod sits on his throne or whatever type of big chair he has. Sarkel is certain to fall as the army surrounds it with plenty of melee units. A spectacular show of wartime prowess. Bulan is struggling to recall his units in time and Vsevolod may even have the ability to take Balanjar too.

19: CEOs love them

Azykay halts the raising of Oxus, keeping their city in the middle of Massagetae. It really is just devastating and I doubt Massagetae will be able to come back from this. Makes my ranking of them lower feel good (though I really should have had them much lower from the start). At least they were able to keep Khazaria’s somewhat retreating army at bay, for whatever that’s worth.

20: Mohavin’ a Great Time

My bois look at them they are doing so well I am so proud.

They settle another city on the Mexican coast and build the Gate of the Sun which grants +3 food and +1 gold on lake tiles, +15% growth in all cities. Not entirely sure if that lake bonus is for all cities as well though (Coiot pls make a note on this slide for that thank). But ah, I’ve been absolutely adoring Mohave’s performance this run, and I see them going far. Basically all of Mexico to themselves because of Comanche and Central America’s lack of settling. And they didn’t send their first settler to the other side of the world (they waited for their third settler to do that, keeping their fun absurdity). Basically I simp hard for west coast civs (you should too) and Mohave are fulfilling all of my expectations and more.

21: The Call of the Jungle

Now what others may consider more important, but I don’t know why it would be more important than seeing Mohave doing good, it’s Muisca’s declaration of war against Kayapo. Muisca doesn’t have that big of an army and Kayapo is absolutely surrounded by jungle so it’s not looking good for them. But on the other hand, Kayapo has no military and no production. If Muisca focuses on Bau then they can probably take the city, but I don’t see them being able to take Gorotire with that army. If they manage to somehow take it though it will set them as the premier power in South America.

22: Launching Idiots

Turkey is setting up a catapult outside Nimrud and is preparing their ultimate weapon: A settler. I’m not sure how it will help them but I’m sure they know what they’re doing. I hope. Well, I don’t hope that much since I like Egypt more than Turkey but like you know what I mean.

23: Vl-adimiring Some Conquests

Vsevolod watches over Sarkel from his big chair that was brought over to the outskirts of the city. He’s proud of his conquest, as he should be. As he watches he commands his men to go after Balanjar as he heard about a nice big chair location in the city. Khazaria has barely any units back for defense which means this is their demise.

24: Gate of the Mohave

We get a nice little zoom in on Mohave’s capital where they built the Gate of the Sun. The lake bonus won’t be too helpful here, but if it is for all cities then they have a number of locations elsewhere that will benefit from it. But more importantly they get that sweet sweet +15% growth in all cities. I’m also not sure if that is actually +15% growth is actually growth or if it’s food like the Temple of Artemis which also says growth. Difference being that the percent food is based on the total food while the percent growth is only based on the excess food after the population has consumed their food. Hopefully it’s the first.

25: Siberian Wastes

The Gokturks expand out into Siberia with Nevkat and another settler about to settle a bit further away. A nice growth of two cities will as they currently lag behind their two neighbors that aren’t major fuckups in like every stat besides military (and they really aren’t putting their military to use). Perhaps this will signal good things in the future but for now it’s just them playing a bit of catch up.

26: Zanzibarara

The Uganda-Kilwa war is still ongoing for some reason but it finally creates some action as Uganda decides to do the stupid move of settiling a city on the Somalian coast, right next to the naval civ that they are fighting. A bold strategy that is likely to result in further gains for Kilwa, which I mean hey, if you support Kilwa this is fantastic news.

27: Channel 5

Okay the title is a bit of a stretch but Channel 5 with Andrew Callaghan is the channel Andrew Callaghan created after his old channel got more or less taken from him which was called All Gas No Breaks. I thought of that because Qocho just can’t catch a break with all these wars. Sungulug Khagan just wakes up, finds another war declaration that was sent to him, and goes back to sleep wanting to ignore it. Though in this case Tuva has a rather large army that will likely do more than Han so I doubt he will be able to get the sleep he so desires.

Also Ming found their outpost in the Gobi Desert, this is surely a good idea to have a super cut off city that can only benefit them.

28: Vl-admiring Some Sieges

Vsevolod sets up his big chair once again, this time around Balanjar, in order to watch the siege unfold. His army is quickly battering down the city’s walls and it doesn’t look like anything can stop him here. I still think they need to found some more cities before being considered to be in a good position but it’s far better than it used to be already.

29: You Are Going To Brazil

Shibata Katsuie seems to be a Samurai general who served under Oda Nobunaga. Though he has relinquished his duties in Japan after two grueling wars and seeing Mori fail to settle their island, and decided he really needed a vacation in Brazil. Sadly for him Brazil is at war with two neighbors so he won’t be able to get some rest and enjoy the carnaval.

30: Winter is Coming

We see here a rare glimpse of Greenland and their three cities. As a spiritual successor to Iceland I wish they would settle more and do well, but this will have to do. Hans Egede has decided to do a sneak attack on Vermont while their army is fighting America. Only he forgot to put his units in position to do a sneak attack. But maybe with all those fleets in the vague vicinity will be able to take Montpelier.

31: West African Blues

Mali settles that second settler that they had along the coast, giving them a nice bit of space. Meanwhile Tetuoan continues to do nothing with a bit of nothing to go along with it. Both civs have a lot of room to work with that they aren’t settling so it’s technically still anyone’s game here but Tetuoan is clearly losing, and by a lot.

32: When you don’t read ahead

Hold that thought as it seems Tetuoan did in fact settle a third city! Only it’s in Iberia. But to be fair, Castile did somehow mess up their Anglo-Dutch war and don’t have much of an army right now so they are pretty safe. Though the Normans also found Capua right near Tetuoan’s capital in return.

33: The Ol’ Swedish Surround.

Brandenburg decides to cut off the Anglo-Norse from any further settles into Scandinavia with Oranienburg. They also have another settler just east of Ribe that may settle Gotland or perhaps Lappland. Frederick-William I goes over to Cottbus with a large megaphone and shouts “That’s what you get for forward settling me you scum!”. Canute doesn’t hear it as he is busy sleeping after a heavy night of drinking his problems away even though drinking can’t stop the fact that they won’t build more settlers.

34: Balkan Boost

Yugoslavia decides that it’s time again to expand the definition of what is and isn’t the Balkans by adding western Romania to their lands. Kiev, with a settler of their own, looks on in disappointment. Lithuania also holds a settler but where it may go is a mystery for now.

35: La Serene Beaches

Chile decides that the best course of action is to settle in the Caribbean. Why did they decide this? Some sources say that Allende sought to do the ultimate surround. Some say he just wanted a beach mansion for himself. Some even say it’s an elaborate plan that uses the claiming of far away lands as a method to better consolidate the lands in between. Others just take it as what it is, a weird tropical city.

36: Pssh, What a War

Afghanistan and Bengal continue their push against Pandya (still not doing any city damage though). Afghanistan founds Peshawar around irl Hyderabad while Bengal’s settler heads into SouthEast Asia. Alli Rani has a lot of units back at her capital which she really needs to bring to the war front. But perhaps the dense forests and rivers are providing enough protection for now.

Also some damaged Kilwa ships appear off the coast of Pandya for some reason despite their only war being far away against Uganda.

37: Chowta is a b-baka

The fearless Tuvula Queen of Ullal has woken up in Morocco and started accusing Sayyida al-Hurra of being full of fear of the Malians, of the Castilians, and of the Normans. But she said that she will valiantly defend the capital against any invasion anyways. However Tetouan needs a settler and not a great general. But they are both triangle civilian units so I can see why Sayyida got confused.

38: Ye men, this is Rome

Across the continent and a small sea Marcus Claudius Marcellus has appeared in Yemen ranting about the glory of something called “Roam” (Rom? Room? Ram? Who knows what he meant). When he asked the locals if this was Roam they responded with “It is Yemen” which Marcus took to mean that this was in fact Roam and he proceeded to immediately call on Arwa al-Sulayhi to expand across the region immediately, she quickly accepted the suggestion though was unsure where the supposed Gallic lands he said to expand into but she liked the desert so it was probably there.

39: Timor-Beste

Cambodia, wanting to get back to two cities and having their western regions blocked off, decided to settle on the top of Borneo. Xanana Gusmao looks over judgingly at the lack of military and builds another settler of his own. Timor-Leste is surprisingly strong for a small island nation, having top ten stats. Perhaps the military part of those stats will be used on this new Cambodian city.

40: The End of a Journey

Quanah looks at the approaching American ship. Will it be their savior? Or will it be their end? He ponders these questions as he thinks about the orders from Iron Jacket. Sent on a journey across the continent, into boats to cross the northern Atlantic, down the coasts to Iberia, and then the order to come back. It didn’t make sense to him. Long ago his next in line, Mupitsukupu, suggested that perhaps Iron Jacket had a vendetta against them. Quanah had initially balked at the notion and dismissed it, seeing the trek as a spiritual mission, but as time went on he became more weary. Seeing the American ship approaching he wondered if maybe Mupitsukupu was right after all. Time moved forward.

The ship decreased their distance and Quanah called for his fellow journeymen to raise the flag of mercy. It was quickly raised. They shouted for help to the approaching ship, hoping their fears wouldn’t come true. The ship increased speed. Time moved forward.

The American ship grew closer. Time moved forward.

Quanah and his journeyman’s voices began to strain and falter. Time moved forward.

The American ship was close enough for Quanah to see the American sailors on the bow, close enough for him to see their eyes full of anger. He prayed to the Great Spirit that perhaps it would allow them a merciful judgment in the afterlife. Time moved forward.

The crunch of wood sounded out like a crack of lightning as the American ship rammed straight into the side of the Comanche journeymen’s boat. The Great Spirit would be more merciful than the Americans, providing a quick end, but the path to the afterlife would be wet, painful, and splintered. Time didn’t move forward for some.

41: Going out with a Battambang

It seems Xanana took my advice and attacked Cambodia over their new city. Cambodia really just can’t get a break. No one is letting them have two cities. But this time they will be losing it to the originally ranked 61st civ. On a brighter note for Cambodia, the Philippine settler has turned away from central Thailand and heads down the Malay peninsula, allowing Cambodia a slight bit more room. For now.

42: A Norma(n)l Siege

The Norman army and fleet surround Thebes with a wealth of units to fight the single chariot archer that Egypt has. Akhenaten posts to his Claytabletgram a drawing of Aten smiting the Norman military with the caption “THEBES IS THE DOMAIN OF ATEN, GO AWAY UNLESS YOU WANT TO FACE THE POWER OF THE SUN RIGHT IN YOUR STUPID FACES”.

43: Rotterdamn

Eight slides ago I was reminded that Brandenburg is at war with the Anglo-Dutch since their turn quick look thing in the top left showed up. I totally forgot about this war cause Frederick-William I was doing jack shit to fight. But it seems they have woken up a bit from their settling spree to go send an army to The Hague. However they seemed to forget that they don’t have a navy since they have forced some of their land units to embark and attack from the sea. Time will tell if this strategy will work or if Frederick-William I - Frederick + 2 will somehow survive once more. They have mostly ranged units so perhaps they will be able to pick off Brandenburg’s units fast enough to stay alive.

Also Rotterdam is founded in Essex, a very useful expansion for them. Finally fulfilling the “Anglo” part of “Anglo-Dutch” and giving them a much needed fourth city.

44: Andeez Nuts

Tupac settles a city on the coast and decides it was so nice he would do it again and builds another settler. We can also see here the Incan army vaguely in the southeast as they amble to Brazil and the Muisca army struggling to move towards Kayapo as Muisca has instead decided that it would be better to send a caravan to the city first to scout out for a siege. (Pretty sure it’s going to Brazil since I didn’t see them make peace but I think it’ll just immediately get destroyed by the unit in the city. Didn’t know you could send caravans on paths that go through cities you are at war with.)

45: The Principal of it All

The Anglo-Norse, upon seeing the second Brandenburg settler going north decide it's high time they establish a principality. How this will help them I’m not sure, I think it will just give Canute some self confidence or something. Maybe he could gain that instead by founding more cities.

46: The Perfect Republic

Afghanistan in similar fashion decides that a republic is what they want to be. Some citizens question how Ahmad Shah Durrani expects a republic to work when he remains as the sole eternal leader, but he just responds with “No republic is truly free” before leaving and continuing to be an eternal leader dictating the country’s direction.

47: Phnomenal Settling

We catch a shot of Kokang’s newest city in central Thailand, already having some Cambodian units sent to attack it in a fruitless siege. Olive Yang sends out another settler northwards into the Tibetan Plateau. Kokang looks like it’s going to be one of the superpowers for a long time with their quick settling and already showing proficiency in taking cities.

The Bengal settler looks to the land that the Philippines decided to abandon to head south.

48: I Call This a Kilwin

Finally a look at the outcome of that sidebar notification. Kilwa takes Mbarara and Uganda pleads for peace with the superior East African civ. Uganda is blocked in, has failed to take even an undefended desert city, and just had their attempt at expansion taken from them. Idi Amin must be furious at how terrible this performance is.

Angola also founds another city next to Zanzibar. Really deciding to make sure they can’t be blocked in due to their central location.

49: Templo Mayori

Didn’t forget this notification either. Does mean I had to look forward a slight bit to see if the pic would happen this turn but it’s not truly looking ahead trust me. Templo Mayor provides +15% production when constructing wonders and an engineer slot. So kind of a bad wonder all things considered unless Potatau really wants to rush a lot of wonders.

50: Waning Moon

Nonookuneeseeii’ was founded last turn based on the minimap and both Arapaho and the Cree send settlers into Lake Michigan. Though the main focus here is Comanche’s attack on America which is not going as planned. Apopka is yet to take damage though units surrounded the city so perhaps the siege is just about to start. American hasn’t sent reinforcements this way so I assume FDR has confidence in his units already there to defend the city. Most of his units are around the capital to protect against Vermont.

51: Clay Troops

Olive Yang decides that the only thing better than her army would be a second army, so she makes one out of clay, calls over a witch-doctor, and has the army animated to life. Hopefully they don’t shatter easily.

52: Seeing the Forest for the Swords

Gediminas, fresh off defending against Kiev, decides he wants to help the flailing Khazars and attacks Vladimir. Vsevolod now faces the same situation he put Khazaria in (though he actually took a city from the civ he attacked). Lithuania also has their UU the Samogitian Warrior which replaces the swordsman and is a bit weaker but doesn’t need iron to build. However, they really shine in forests as they gain a +50% attack bonus when fighting in forests and heals 5 damage when starting a turn in forest. So an invasion in a forested area as they are doing is a perfect scenario.

53: Mohavin’ a Reformin’

Diary of the Mohave Settler, Day 5681:

We heard word recently of the Qocho religious leaders having new revelations in the face of the Tuvan attack. We’ve taken turns betting on what those revelations are, though we haven’t heard word of what they are yet. Perhaps we will learn about the reformed Theravada as we continue our trek.

Ming has settled in the Gobi and Han is seeking to settle it as well. Perhaps the Gobi has more pockets of habitability than we previously thought. We feel we are close to the promised land. Spirits remain high.

54: A Norma(n)l Chad Siege

The Normans do the classic AI move of splitting their units, sending fleets towards Memphis and relieving Thebes of some pressure on it. Meanwhile in the south Chad begins their siege of Gempaatan which looks to have started well. However with how some of those units are moving they may also be splitting their troops towards Akhetaten. Idriss Deby posted to Claytabletgram a meme of his siege as the chad and the Norman siege as the soyjak, an interesting approach to their allied invasion. Akhenaten similarly posted a meme of his defenses as the chad and both siege as the soyjak.

55: Arianism and Bogomilism

Over a backdrop of Vermont’s lack of attack against America, we get some religious beliefs! I don’t know how well these affect people so I don’t have as much to say. Arianism is Timor-Leste’s strong production and defense focused religion. Bogomilism is Kilwa’s fairly balanced religion, some focus on gold and faith.

56: Eastern Orthodoxy and Lutheranism

We skip Catholicism to see Vladimir’s Eastern Orthodoxy that has some nice gold, culture, and military buffs. The Anglo-Dutch’s Lutheranism has a varied set of yields.

57: Lutheranism and Nestorianism

Lutheranism continues with some neat Great Person boosts. Arapaho’s Nestorianism has some nice yields and tile expansion help.

58: Oriental Orthodoxy and Peyotism

Ireland’s Oriental Orthodoxy is a pretty faith based religion with buildings. Comanche’s Peyotism seems to like faith and food.

59: Peyotism and Sunni

Peyotism continues with another building to compliment their first. Turkey’s Sunni Islam has nice faith, culture, and buildings.

60: Tengriism and Theravada

The Gokturks’ Tengriism has some varied small yields. Qocho’s Theravada likes its faith a lot.

61: Don’t Turn Your Back On An Enemy

Out of the religion slides we now see Botswana deciding to take revenge on their previous attacker and decides to invade Angola. The Angolan capital is quite close to Botswana as their expansion has been solely north, so perhaps Botswana’s invading force will be able to overwhelm the defensive troops they have. Botswana also gets in on settling with a third city before Angola can fully close them off.

62: Pirates of the Caribbean

Francisco Morazon, seeing America nab Loxahatchee before they could get it, decides it’s the time to take it for themselves. They have a few triremes and some units on the way which may be enough to take the city. They are hoping that America being distracted by two other civs will allow them to sneak into the taken Seminole city before FDR can build more fleets. We also see Comanche’s attack on Apopka get right up to the city, but do they have enough units to actually siege it? Probably not.

63: Indon’tesia

Seeing the Philippine settler get closer to their core, Suharto decides he won’t stand for it and declares war on Cambodia. They can’t actually do anything since the Cambodian capital isn’t coastal, but it’s the thought that counts. This is the most attention Indonesia has gotten. Timor-Leste has sieged down Battambang and is just about to take the city.

64: Dat Ass-yria

A look back at Nimrud sees Turkey having made minimal progress since it was last seen but now Egypt has gotten their troops up to help the siege. Akhenaten DMs Ataturk telling him “ALL OF ASSYRIA IS THE DOMAIN OF ATEN, STAY BACK”. Ataturk left him on read.

Also Khazaria and Turkey are both getting settlers in Azerbaijan, though it seems Khazaria might be able to settle first if they settle in place. It would be a much needed safety city.

65: Great Lakes, Great Stakes

The Cree joins their previous rival Arapaho in fighting America, though they don’t have any units in the area. They do have two more settlers around, while Arapaho’s settler goes into enemy territory to try and get into Northern Quebec. Seems that all the wars on this continent have been stagnating.

66: Down Under Dispute

Battle begins on the southern continent for the first time as the Wiradjuri attack Yolngu. Yolngu has a decent army but they didn’t try to settle so they are quite weak. Wiradjuri, with more cities and a bigger army is likely not going to take anything for now but if they clear out Yolngu’s army then their superior production might be able to keep pushing to take a city. But I don’t have much hope for this war.

67: The Underdog Overthrow

Timor-Leste does what no one thought they could do at the start of the game and takes a city. Like, no one could have predicted this at the start. I sure couldn’t at least and I’m basically everyone. They also have another settler around southern Borneo that will likely settle soon putting them at 5 cities, 5 more than people thought they would be at at this time.

Indonesia realizes the Cambodian capital is not on the coast and starts to recall their military. The Philippines still haven’t settled.

68: Bapanada

Ataturk builds the Bapanada in his capital which increases reform capacity by +2. Coiot tells me it’s a Rise to Power specific wonder which allows greater flexibility in choosing changes to governments. Perhaps Ataturk won’t be a prince for much longer.

Oh? It seems I’m being told that the wonder is actually the Apadana and that Bapanada is one of the sounds used as voice lines in Hollow Knight. Wild. Can’t believe I got that one wrong.

Sigh Bapanada…

69: Astopka

America finally decided they had killed enough units for Comanche to give up and give up they did. Comanche now sits with no second settler, no second city, a small army, and shit stats. They truly did fuck everything up for themselves. At least this means Arapaho has more land to use and they already have another settler out to use it.

70: Settle Spree

As Chad focuses on Egypt Angola continues to expand, founding Malanje and sending another settler to subsharan West Africa. The settler east of Chad still hasn’t settled but it might soon. Meanwhile Chad hasn’t done any more damage to Gempaatan and their archers are being blocked from the city by their spearman.

71: Protecting Pandya

Bengal founds Patna on the Malay Peninsula as they begin to damage Tirunelveli too. Korkai is still yet to be damaged by Afghanistan. The terrain is really aiding Alli Rani’s defense as archers have to get right up next to the cities to damage them. This is further helped by the fact that both Bengal and Afghanistan are using Horseman to quickly move through the rough terrain but they have very little power against cities.

72: You Are Not Going To Brazil

Cornelius Smelt got to the frontline and after a bit of fighting sent word back to Jose de San Martin saying the war was useless. Rio de la Plata is really letting people down with their performance as they continue to struggle to do anything in their corner of the continent. Inca on the other hand is continuing to settle with another settler ready to get a city between Machu and Sao Salvador. Their army may have more access to Brazil with the RDLP army moving back home.

73: LGTB: Let’s Get This Bread

A close up shot of Kayapo shows them having built Hanging Gardens in their 31 pop. Raoni Metuktire has decided that he must have all the food. No one else can have food. Only Kayapo.

Seriously, why do they need all this food? They already have a capital 3x the size of almost everyone else. Let some others eat.

74: Aten’s Realm

We get a nice full shot of the Egyptian empire. Turkish and Egyptian units surround Nimrud as it drops to yellow and it could fall to either. The Norman attack on Thebes is not working well, Thebes has one tile of access so they can’t really get a naval attack in and all their land units have been killed off. Chad on the other hand brings Gempaaten down to red with melee units around but difficult terrain to get through. They’ve also split some units to go attack Akhetaten, and Egyptian units are beginning to help fight. By the way, Egypt’s unit is the Khopesh which gains +25% damage towards injured units and +50% if within two tiles of an obelisk (their UI). If they manage to pick off the spearman next to Gempaaten then they may have a shot at holding it as Chad has to spend two turns to get a melee unit to attack the city.

Also the Yemen settler is making its way to central Iran because Afghanistan isn’t settling it.

75: The Marc of the Bear

Marc Antony, who fought the Gauls and Persians and some other groups for Rome, appears in Permians land to help lead an army directly at Khazaria. It’s sure to crush the much smaller Khazarian army and may even steal Balanjar. But they seem to have forgotten the actual war declaration, perhaps we will see that next episode. Also Khazaria does indeed settle in Azerbaijan.

76: Just Passing By

Belisarius comes up to Cetshwayo and demands to be allowed to lead an army to retake the Mediterranean, not yet realizing that this is not Byzantium. Cetshwayo still agrees with the request and gives him some units. However news travels slow so when an advisor asks who they would be “retaking” the Mediterranean from, Cetshwayo merely shrugs and says “Probably Egypt those guys have some coast right?”. The advisor confirms they have some coast and so Cetshwayo declares war on Egypt and off Belisarius goes to attack Egypt. Though perhaps someone should tell him how far away Egypt is.

77: Nimrods all around

We end this episode with Egypt and Turkey surrounding Sammuramat’s last city. A lot of units are on low health but it’s currently Vladimir’s turn which means Assyria will go next followed by Egypt. Egypt’s UU is melee so it can take the city and with that positioning, it seems likely that even if Assyria chooses to target both of their damaged UUs that they can still shoot and take the city with their third. Though if they fail then it’s Turkey’s to lose. Akhenaten writes in a Claytabletgram post: “ATEN’S LIGHT SHINES DOWN ON US, THE CITY IS OURS. THE MIGHT OF ATEN IS WONDERFUL”.

Anyways, I’ve been Orange and here’s your daily reminder that West Coast Best Coast, let’s go Mohave!

Episode 5: The Realm of the Mad Gods – S3

Abstract