Episode 6: Coalitions of Chaos

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Hello, one and all! It is I, PorkBean, professional lurker and intrepid author of countless obscure Civ 5 mods. Despite a handful of my civs having made it into CBRs over the years, can you believe this is the first time I’ve ever narrated an episode?

Strap yourself in for a wild one, as tensions on the cylinder are reaching a boiling point. Devastating wars, catastrophic peaces, enormous coalitions… there’s a lot to unpack in this episode, so I’ll do my best to guide you through it. Here we go!

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Vihreaa brings us another fantastic map. Some of our competitors are really getting hemmed in - I love seeing the AI completely disregard natural borders and settle wherever the hell it pleases.

3: Pour One Out

And our OC for the week is also a map from /u/SeroSedSero, documenting the seafaring adventures of Comanche’s legendary party of settlers. Though they met a tragic end in the previous episode, the memory of their fearless expedition will inspire settlers from across the cylinder for centuries to come.

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Thanks to all supporters for your generous donations on Ko-fi. Regular, direct injections of caffeine are what has kept the CBR steaming along all this time.

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To no-one’s surprise, the Permians keep their spot at the very top of the power rankings. It’s still early game though, and one hopeless war or a dogpile of powerful neighbours could still spell the end for any of the top 10 hopefuls.

6: Timor Time

On to the show! We begin with everyone’s new favourite thalassocracy, Timor-Leste, reinforcing their freshly captured island of Borneo with a new settlement at Maliana. Though still officially at war with Cambodia, there is little Sihanouk can do but watch as his navy is effectively nothing more than piles of floating debris.

Emboldened by their success, conquest fever sweeps the people of Timor-Leste as even their workers take up arms outside Ainaro, eager to join the fight.

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Great General Marc Antony leads the Permian army right up to the gates of Balanjar. The city is in absolute chaos with Vsevolod’s army wreaking havoc from the west, but Azykay still hasn’t drafted that declaration of war. Don’t rush him! He’ll get around to it!

Recognising his precarious situation, Bulan already appears to be planning his exit strategy with new Khazarian cities being built along the Caspian Sea. Tomyris is reassembling her cavalry, however, and Tamantarkhan may make for a very tempting target to compensate for the loss of Oxus.

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Settlers are dispatched by North Korea, Han and the Gokturks. Bumin Khagan seems content to settle north into the lands no-one else wants, while Wu and Kim make a play for the Yellow Sea. Ainu also appear in this slide, happily doing Ainu things.

09: The end of $ASS

Despite taking their turn after Egypt, it is Ataturk’s spearmen that finally breach the walls of Nimrud, and in doing so claim our first elimination of CBRX3. Often the butt of jokes, it is only right to put those behind us now that an attack from the rear has brought Assyria to an untimely end.

Sammurat was largely agreed to be doomed early on, failing to build up much in the way of defences to counter her considerably more powerful neighbours, so perhaps her greatest achievement is surviving all the way to Episode 6. At least she made enough in Discord meme stocks to retire comfortably. F

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And retire she does - to the west coast of India, where her scouts have already scouted a nice location for a palace amidst the elephants. Neither Turk nor Egyptian dare set foot here, so all Sammurat has to worry about now are the feuding Afghans, Bengalis, and Pandyans.

Pandya faces two fronts in a potentially very consequential war. It’s safe to say that defeat here would make breaking out of the subcontinent all that more difficult. Alli Rani is leaning hard into her Maraval UU, which replaces the Spearman and could help blunt the cavalry-heavy armies of Durrani and Muhammad Khan, but only if she can successfully manoeuvre them in the direction of the front lines.

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Mali marches north across the Sahara, boasting a considerable numerical advantage over the much smaller army of Tétouan. A navy wouldn’t have gone amiss, however, as Sayyida al-Hurra has struck a defensive alliance with the mountains to her south. Funnelling all those spearmen through the narrow valleys could be disastrous for Mali, and the rough terrain is likely to slow them down even further.

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Botswanan units slam against the walls of Huambo as Seretse Khama makes it known to everyone how much he hates Kilwa. Unfortunately for him, Botswana is not fighting Kilwa, Botswana is fighting Angola, a major power in the region which possesses an actual military. What’s more, Khama has decided to lead the charge with his archers meaning all Jonas Savimbi has to do is sit back and watch his spearmen shred them as they arrive.

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A sudden outbreak of peace between the Williams is bad news for Brandenburg, as they were in a clearly advantageous position over their western neighbour. The Anglo-Dutch are given a bit of time to breathe, which they desperately need to spend recruiting soldiers. Many of the European powers are already boasting considerable carpets.

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Trouble for Akhenaten as not only was Nimrud snatched from under his nose, but the defence of Gempaaten has also crumbled. The Chads march into the city with a pretty considerable expeditionary force, and even settle Sarh in the desert for good measure. You might not like it, but this is part of the Chad core now.

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However, some good news does reach the ears of the Pharaoh as he learns the Norman navy has decided to Just Go Home. Guiscard might want to think about disembarking his army in Benevento and attacking Thebes by land, but I’m sure he knows best.

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“Actually, let’s just not.” Vsevolod tells his closest advisors, as they draft terms for a white peace with Khazaria. Fair enough, I wouldn’t want more of a direct border with the Permians either, but this puts Balanjar’s fate squarely in Azykay’s hands.

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The Philippines found San Juan Del Monte at the southern tip of the Malay Peninsula. The borders and straits of SEA are getting ever more complicated, and Philippine resources are going to be stretched t-h-i-n if they expect to defend all these wild colonies.

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The Anglo-Norse declare war against Brandenburg while most of their units are floating around in the Baltic Sea. This is an incredibly bold move by Canute, who would seem to be both outnumbered and at a tech disadvantage. However, Brandenburg’s Scandinavian colonies lie largely undefended, so if the Anglo-Norse can disrupt their crossing they could potentially take some of the northern targets.

Oswald Boelcke, First World War fighter pilot, rises to defend his fatherland but will have to wait a few millennia before Flight is researched.

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Yet more space is looking to be filled as the Permians put out another settler. This would put the Permians at a whopping 10 cities, far more than anybody else on the cylinder. Siberian starts sure are something.

20: Tuva Time to Go Home

Our Mohave settler slinks north between Ming and Han’s new settles of Guangzhou and Xindu, respectively. Will they make it to the promised land? Will they even decide which direction they want to go? However their journey will end, their spearman escort should see that it ends better than the Comanche wanderers who came before them.

Keen observers of the CBR will note that Qarakhoja sits at full health, yet untouched by the rather large Tuvan army bearing down on it. Two good mountains are really all you need.

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Azykay finally finds his pen! Quickly scribbling down an official declaration of war, he gives the troops permission to move in on Khazaria. Balanjar should fall easily to the Permian horde, and even Zachariah will be hard-pressed to save the capital of Atil from suffering a similar fate. It looks like it’s finally all over for Bulan.

Timor-Leste completes the Forum Magnum, a Sovereignty wonder that provides points towards Great Magistrates.

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The Malian march on Tétouan stumbles as Sundiata’s forces struggle to find a safe passage through the mountains. It looks like Sayyida is safe to take cover behind them for now. Mali will have to try a different approach.

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Taking a quick peek at the stats, we see Timor-Leste leading the pack with a very respectable 4.5 million citizens. Wait, no, looking closer they’re actually second just behind Kayapó’s twenty-one-and-a-half million people, making them roughly the same size as the next ten largest civs combined.

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And here they are, these ridiculous metropolises out in the middle of the Amazon rainforest. Thanks to their completely busted Granary replacement, basically every single of these tiles is producing at least 1 food, and boy do the Kayapó have the population to work it.

Despite this, recruitment has been poor as Raoni Metuktire has only been able to muster three warriors, two bowmen and a catapult to defend his massive population from the incoming Muisca. The Kayapó strategy instead seems to rely on having so many bodies that the Muisca eventually get tired of all the stabbing and go home.

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The Permians dominate production like they dominate the power rankings, sitting 18 points ahead while the next five civs are all within a 6-point range.

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And they’ve put it to good use, boasting an impressive carpet of well-balanced units. If the Permians ought to focus on anything it is probably tech to upgrade all their basic archers, or perhaps culture to tidy up their snaky borders.

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Even so, the Permians only just make the top 10 in military manpower. The number one spot goes to the Gokturks, with Tuva, Han, and Bengal all making appearances. Eastern Eurasia is looking like a particularly powerful region of the cylinder.

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All my homies make fun of the Gokturks for not having as many cities as they should, but Bumin Qaghan knows the only numbers that matter are military numbers. Gao Xiang rises to lead the Turkic horde, in this region that looks set for an almighty showdown sooner rather than later.

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The Inca are #2 in military manpower behind the Permians, but unfortunately they live in South America meaning their grand host can do nothing but wander around trying to find their enemy. The Inca are apparently at war with “Brazil”, but even I can’t figure out where that is.

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Third in military strength are the Cree, who along with their southern neighbours the Arapaho are the only North Americans in the top 10. They’re at war with America, but you wouldn’t know from this image.

31: At the Mountains of Madness

Joseph Warren Stilwell makes a bold observation to his Tuvan superiors - that the army will have to go around the mountains in order to pose any serious threat to the final Qocho stronghold. He is immediately reprimanded for insubordination and placed on indefinite leave.

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Kayapó leads the way in technologies, although that’s no guarantee they’re researching useful things like how to have a military. The rest of the top civs all sit fairly evenly at 15 or 14 techs.

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Yemen gets a free trade unit every time they claim a new luxury resource. On an unrelated note, here are the trade route statistics where almost everyone has two trade routes and Yemen has a few more than that.

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And here’s the Yemeni army now, marching north under Marcellus. Tired of Akhenaten’s warmongering? Or just taking the long way around to go bully Uganda?

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Feeling confident, Chile declares war on the United States. While this might seem baffling at first glance, don’t forget that Chile has a far-flung colony in Haiti, although it might have been a good idea to reinforce it with some units before making such a brash declaration. With little more than a spearman up there, this war is likely to either go nowhere good for Chile, or nowhere at all.

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Angola has done a splendid job fending off Botswanan aggression, but are rewarded only with a fresh crisis - a joint declaration from the Zulu and Kilwa. While the mystery of the wandering Zulu army is solved, Kilwa is the most immediate threat - Angola’s eastern border is undefended, and Kuito will be tricky to reinforce thanks to the African lakes.

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The Brandenburg Brandenburg of Brandenburg is raided by Anglo-Norse longships, meaning it looks like Canute is adopting a Scandinavian strategy for his war against Frederick-William. Success will depend on how quickly he can flip these cities before the Germans are able to mount any meaningful pressure on Roskilde and Lundenburh.

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Everything is very nice down under, pay no attention to the Maori’s stats. Everything is fine, look at how big and seaworthy their military is. Don’t mind that they have no money, no science and no realistic nearby targets. Dark age? What’s that?

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Pretty Nose celebrates the settlement of Ceneit-Eetee’, a remote outpost in the far northern reaches of the continent. It secures for the Arapho prime access to Hudson Bay, though for exactly what purpose remains to be seen.

40: The City that Would Not Fall

Volley after volley of arrows pepper the shields of Balanjar’s defenders, the last line standing between the Permian forces and a city on the absolute precipice. And yet stand they do, determined not to give up this city without a fight. Azykay might have to take this more seriously than he was expecting.

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More bad news for Akhenaten, as traditional enemies Yemen and Uganda join forces against him. While the Ugandan army won’t reach him any time soon, Arwa al-Sulayhi’s host is practically on his doorstep. It also looks like the Normans have returned by sea to once again raid Thebes.

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The Pandyans continue to put up a good fight against their northern enemies, Afghanistan and Bengal, although the front lines are a little further back than Alli Rani would like. Everyone is getting bogged down by forests and jungles, turning the subcontinent into an absolute meat grinder, but the northern invaders have much more meat to grind meaning Rani will need to do something soon to break the stalemate.

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Despite facing a coalition of his own, against every other South African civ, Savimbi of Angola takes the risk and throws his weight behind the anti-Akhenaten league. This could open up opportunities for alliances with Chad and Uganda, Angola’s two northern neighbours that are also bearing down on the Egyptians. We could be seeing the beginnings of a clear north-south divide across the African continent.

Angola’s southern guard suffers minimal damage after a stuttering Zulu raid, but Kilwa units are beginning to make moves on Kuito. The Angolan army is big but it can’t be everywhere at once, especially without an east-west road network. Kilwa has an opportunity to make inroads here against a top 10 contender.

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America enters a Dark Age, crippling their stats until they are able to pull themselves out of it. This is great news for their many enemies, but it currently looks like only Vermont is really trying to take the fight to FDR.

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Lithuania calls off the raids on Vladimir, and joins Yugoslavia in an attempt to put pressure on Turkey. Ataturk might have taken Nimrud, but he also took the elimination penalty that would have otherwise gone to Egypt.

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With the Kyivan Rus’ between Lithuania and Turkey, however, it looks like much of the fighting will have to be done across the Bosphorus by Tito. Speed and naval support will be key to navigating this tricky chokepoint.

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Unable to penetrate the Atlas mountain range, Sundiata Keita instead turns to the negotiating table. Sayyida al-Hurra happily negotiates away her second-largest city, which the Malians promptly burn despite its strategic potential as a foothold for further conquests into the Maghreb or Iberia. Ouch.

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South American Civ A throws units at South American Civ B, which responds with the traditional yawn and languid shrug. The citizens of Baú might hurl some rocks back at the attackers with their catapult, but only if they feel like it. It won’t make much of a difference either way.

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Unfazed by posturing by Lithuania and Yugoslavia, Ataturk joins the fight against his old co-belligerent Ahkenaten. He also misclicks and accidentally declares a meaningless war against Angola, but it happens. We’ll ignore that for now.

What we won’t ignore is that Egypt now faces a truly terrifying coalition, with enemies on all sides spanning three continents. Memphis, once touted as a potential refuge for the Pharaoh, has already been battered down to half health by a joint Turko-Norman naval assault. The Yemeni expeditionary force along with Turkish regulars could easily drive the Egyptians out of their two walless Arabian cities. And in Africa, the Chads pose a serious threat to the heartlands of Egypt itself. Ahkenaten is in trouble.

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“THE WHAT-DUTCH?” roars Michael Collins, as the Irish army races south to find Rotterdam parked on their southern coast. The orange protestants have little with which to mount an effective resistance, so it’s safe to say this city will be turning emerald green before long.

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Disaster for Canute as the Brandenburg Armada arrives, just as Brandenburg herself was beginning to take meaningful damage. What’s more, German troops have begun to make landfall on the island of Zealand outside the Anglo-Norse capital. Canute has neglected to build walls for Roskilde, instead relying on the city’s natural defences - a mistake that may prove costly as long-range arrow fire rains down on the streets.

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Durrani has clearly been reading the power rankings, as he seeks to expand his core with not one but two new settlers. Things are looking quite good for Afghanistan - the war against Pandya is progressing, they have plenty of units in reserve, and few hostile neighbours to speak of.

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Kokang might not have come down off the high from beating up Cambodia, but they can relax knowing that any attack from the north would be an absolute slog for the attacker. Emilia Plater was a Polish noblewoman who fought against Russian occupation, so that’s cool.

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A quick look at the slackers - I see a whole lotta archers, but not a whole lotta cities. Mohave is clearly focused entirely on their settler expedition to central Asia.

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Central America could have been anything it wanted, and it wanted to be this. Morazon’s opportunities for non-military expansion grow fewer every turn, and they show no sign of any aggressive manoeuvres in any direction. At least their defensive army is nice.

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The coalition against Angola has made little headway in the southern theatre, but Botswana and Zulu have caused enough of a distraction for Kilwa units to begin to swarm the undefended Kiuto. If Angola loses it they seem unlikely to recover it any time soon.

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Something happens in Australia! The Wiradjuri pillage two tiles in Yolngu lands, become tired, and immediately head home. That’s the 12th-largest army for you.

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Afghanistan expands considerably west, but Jammu is in a nicely defensible spot and there are no major threats around. Durrani has plenty of options for expansion around the Caspian, should he choose.

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The Permian’s new city of Izyur is considerably less defensible, but does have the distinct advantage of being Permian. Tuva is also settling around here, so we may see border clashes between our #1 and #2 civs in the not-too-distant future.

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Tomyris joins the ever-growing coalition against Egypt. Although she could ride south to join the fight, it would perhaps be unwise to leave her cities undefended in the face of all that Permian power.

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Greenland seems to have barely moved their units an inch since their declaration of war against Vermont. They have a decent fleet and could definitely cause headaches for Ethan Allen if they tried, but it seems like the New World is content to let the Old have most of the action for this episode.

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Walls go up in Rotterdam, as former Green Mountain Boy Seth Warner positions the Irish army for a siege. No such defences can be seen in Roskilde, which is now in the yellow and looking increasingly vulnerable.

63: No, Not Like That!

Alli Rani trades away Tirunelveli in exchange for peace with Bengal. This is a huge setback for Pandya, which has now been pushed further back into India and still faces a fierce enemy in Durrani’s Afghanistan. The construction of a large navy could reverse Rani’s fortunes if she focuses instead on overseas expansion, but that would be a strategic gear shift that the AI is not typically known for. For now, peace with Durrani is a priority.

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Kiuto falls to Kilwa. A loss for Angola, but not a crippling one, as they continue to best their enemies to the south. Emboldened, Kilwa pushes further in across the lakes, but it’s unclear if they will be able to make any further inroads.

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Chads are the first to reach the Egyptian capital, while Yemeni forces also seem to be heading there across the Isthmus of Suez. Memphis will fall on the next turn, likely to the Normans, who are also reinforcing their African colony in anticipation of a land assault on Thebes. The Pharaoh has few options remaining other than to hunker down and hope his walls hold long enough for a peace deal to be reached.

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Canute’s Scandinavian strategy backfires spectacularly, with his navy disintegrating and this episode’s second capital capture going to Fredrick-William. Freddie wasn’t even really trying, too, as all this time he’s been pumping out more settlers to send up to Scandinavia.

This is unrecoverable for the Anglo-Norse, who have been reduced to a non-contiguous rump state with nearly no army and no options for expansion. The best they can hope for is that Brandenburg doesn’t plan to go any further for now.

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Everyone goes home in South America, with nothing to show for their efforts and nothing having been achieved. We’ll swing back to this continent after everyone unlocks Mechanized Infantry, when some real progress can be made.

The Inca wisely attempt to get the hell out, sending two settlers north into the Caribbean.

68: Long Arapaho Memes

To balance out their northern settle on Hudson Bay, the Arapaho also plop down a new city in the Gulf of Mexico. The vertical approach might work, if they’re planning to expand eastwards and try to challenge American dominance. Andrea Mantegna offers her services to the Seminole, saying she can give Micanopy a whole new perspective on being a worthless rump city-state.

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Although nominally allies, Cetshwayo fails to respect Ali ibn al-Hassan’s claim to Madagascar as the Zulu plop down Isandlwana in the north. Kilwa clearly has eyes on being the dominant power in the Indian Ocean, so this could cause some friction between the sub-Saharan nations.

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Memphis falls to the Normans as the Siege of Akhetaten begins in earnest. The walls are holding out for now, but the Yemeni expedition has begun to arrive in greater numbers and there even looks to be a catapult on the way. The first Norman advance units have also arrived in Thebes, with plenty of reinforcements already making the journey across the Mediterranean.

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The Irish Armada swings in to facilitate the swift capture of Rotterdam, which despite its shiny new walls has already slipped into the yellow. There shall be no orange on the Emerald Isles.

72: I Am Disappoint

Just as it looked like they were positioning for an all-out, LOTR-style mega battle in the open plains, North Korea and the Gokturks made peace. There are no settlers from either side in the vicinity meaning this area is likely to remain open for the time being, but Kim Il-Sung has achieved what he failed to do in reality with a settlement in the south of the Korean Peninsula.

Look over there, it’s Mori! Are ya winnin’, son?

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With the way virtually clear and peace terms drawn up, Frederick-William seeks to consolidate his hold over Scandinavia by sending at least three settlers out on the journey north. A few Norse ships remain trapped by Brandenburg’s new cultural borders, a cruel reminder of the crippling defeat they suffered this episode.

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The Wiradjuri outpost at Wagga-Wagga is attacked by a fleet of the Yolgnu unique unit, the Lippa-Lippa. While this might look like a fairly shrewd attack on a weak enemy position, none of those units are ranged units meaning they will have to awkwardly shuffle in and out of the one adjacent water tile in order to damage the city.

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Sacking the Egyptian capital is proving much harder than it first appeared, bringing Akhenaten some desperately needed respite. Egypt’s other cities all look increasingly vulnerable however, so they could even be reduced to a city-state before long.

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All this fighting has generated a Conqueror for the Normans, a Great General replacement that gives nearby units extra movement and combat strength for a few turns after disembarking. In other words, the perfect unit for the current job at hand.

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A quick shot of the Han core. That’s a lot of purple but don’t be fooled, a good number of those units are workers. What on earth could they be working on?

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Go on, little guy! You can make it! Look, you’re almost there!

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Cyrus the Great emerges to assist the Arapaho, on the strict condition that Tomyris be kept at least one continent away. Pretty Nose is in a good position to take advantage of FDR’s Dark Age penalties.

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In an attempt to make the wars in this region even more desperately confusing, Yemen declares war on Tito’s Yugoslavia. As far as I can tell they have no borders, no contested territory, and almost no interaction of any kind that would make this a logical course of action. Cool.

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It’s easy to forget that Yugoslavia is still officially at war with Brandenburg, given all that has happened. Chandragupta’s spear units suffer some minor damage.

Naturally, Pretty Nose makes peace with FDR. She must have been reading my slides.

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Sihanouk breathes a sigh of relief as Indonesia sues for peace. That’s one less problem to worry about. The main problem remains, however, that Cambodia is still utterly screwed.

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William III can’t even bring himself to move his units even an inch in order to defend Rotterdam. He knows it’s hopeless. Better to let them have it, and pray that the Irish are content to stay on their islands.

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Unique Improvements are always nice, especially ones with custom graphics. I’m sure these opium poppies are for medicinal purposes only.

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Settlers head out to the remaining Good Parts of West Africa. Some of these settles will likely end up in the Sahara, but whoever grabs the nice river plots along the Ivory Coast should have some pretty bountiful cities on the go soon.

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Action! The slackers must have been reading my slides too as Mohave declare on the Comanche. While these two might be wacky in the ways of settling, they may be wackier still in the ways of war as it looks like Irataba might be planning to squeeze all his units through a one-tile gap right into Iron Jacket’s fortress at Quahadi.

87: The Khazarian Miracle

In a truly shocking turn of events, Balanjar, the Doomed City, is back up to near-full health, still in Khazarian hands. The Permian offensive seems to have collapsed and while there are still units around, they’re mainly horsemen with a penalty vs cities that can be easily dispatched by Bulan’s spearmen. Marc Antony appears to be dead or at least reassigned elsewhere, so samurai police captain Okita Soji is called up to take charge of the Permian front lines.

I seriously expected to be eulogising Khazaria this episode, or at least to be mourning their reduction to true rump status. Considering the state they began this episode in, I can’t help but be impressed. Well done, Bulan. Respect.

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We end this episode with a shot of the Lithuanian core. A ton happened in this episode including the first elimination, the fall of the Anglo-Norse, and what could be the beginning of the end for Egypt.

I’ve been PorkBean, and thanks for joining me on this episode of CBRX3. See you next time!

Episode 6: Coalitions of Chaos – S3

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