Civ Battle Royale Wars are fought with words and warriors, as the AI makes the most mind-boggling decisions, as is tradition.
Good Evening fellas, and welcome back to another exciting episode of the Civ Battle Royale. I, ItsTruuuuuuuuuckMonth, resident shitposter and the one guy from last season who wouldn’t let you forget that the Neutrals existed, will be your host tonight.
Y’all already know the drill at this point, so let’s get into tonight’s episode of tragedy, baffling decisions, and overall artificially intelligent tomfuckery!
Today’s Kwaky OC comes from u/Orangechrisy, depicting the onslaught of Kwak units approaching Best Korea’s shores! Will the glorious Kim Il-Sung find a solution to these Kwaked invaders? Of course he will, he’s the Supreme Leader of course!
Vihreaa always delivers with great maps showing the progress of the CBR! Though I feel like something’s missing…eh, probably has nothing to do with those suspiciously Castille-shaped bays in Europe.
Time to fulfill a contractual obligation by thanking our lovely Ko-Fi supporters! These fine folks are the ones keeping this show running, so make sure you give them a thumbs up on your way out of the theater.
Make way for our new #1 in the PR’s: everyone’s favorite throat singers, Tuva! Given their incredible production lead and plentiful space to grow evermore, it’s evident to see why they’ve dethroned Perm. They still have the issue of being stuck between said Perm and the Gokturks, so let’s see how long they can hold this title.
We begin today’s episode with the hollowed out husk some people call “Egypt”. Last episode saw them make peace with Chad, on the verge of losing their capital. While they are still at war with Yemen, the latter’s chances of landing an actual invasion force being roughly the same as Egypt’s chances of winning at this point, so Akhenaten can finally find some peace and quiet.
What he can’t find, however, is some good damn land to settle, as the Turks, Chads and even the Kievan Rus all have settlers at the ready to gobble up more land.
Chad can’t seem to get enough of kneecapping his neighbors, and sets their spears towards Uganda. Masaka looks like it could fall, though given the geography of Uganda’s core, any further progress would give any warlord a migraine.
The Kayapo complete construction on the Oracle, which provides 3 culture, a Great Scientist point, and a free Social Policy. Not the most useful wonder for a domination-based game but eh, it's worth the bragging rights I guess?
Also good lord Kremoro’s at 39 population already, which in IRL population numbers would be around 28.5 MILLION (at least I think).
The Tuvans still struggle to break the Qocho capital, only delivering a smidgen of damage. Qocho will die sometime this season, I’m sure of it.
In another case of big boy North Asian civs trying to kill small boy Central Asian civs, Perm’s actually making progress, bringing the Khazarian capital of Atil to the yellow. With a spearman nearby, they have a chance of taking the city, though the Khazarian triremes may show some flips.
People usually have some reasonable ideas for prime real estate: beachside, the mountains, good weather, etc. Tito, however, is thinking on another plane of existence, like any true real estate mogul should.
“Hot as hell? No water? Virtually unsustainable? No way to send reinforcements? Perfect, send a settl- no, TWO SETTLERS.”
And thus, the Slavic Sahel was born. Also Mali and the Normans are throwing down to the west, giving Split some prime time entertainment to distract from the dehydration.
Chongjin falls to the red, though our Glorious Supreme Leader should not fret, considering the Kwak trireme attacking it is essentially flotsam.
An Asian colony will have to wait for everyone's favorite unpronounceable civ.
Mbarara falls to the yellow as Ugandan spearmen surround the city. Should it fall, the Kilwa navy should be able to flip the city multiple times.
The Zulu settle Nongoma in the bottom of South Africa, practically cutting off their Motswana competitor. While I do see some space remaining near the Cape, I highly doubt Botswana has those same eyes for land.
We get a shot of the cores of the Chinese rivals: Ming and Han. Han clearly surpasses Ming in terms of military might and city counts, and in a one-on-one could easily defeat Ming, Guangzhou being a guaranteed spoil of war.
Only time will tell who unifies China.
Khazaria establishes themself as a Republic, though I think there are bigger priorities right now: Atil is in the red and while that one spearman is now six feet under, the Permians have an extra, with a side of horse.
Kilwa declares war on Botswana, though the lack of any major force at the frontline and some difficult geography mean that this war is going to go nowhere. Besides, Kilwa has other priorities to the north.
Fez is in the red as the Malian navy looks to remove the rest of Tetouan’s Atlantic fleet, though they still have land units available to flip the city. Naval units though? All trapped in the Mediterranean behind a Norman city’s borders.
The Gokturks declare war on Best (and ONLY) Korea, and their pitiful excursion force is no match for Korea’s glorious armies!
In all seriousness, the Gokturks are gonna need a bit more units on the front line to actually make some progress in this war, given Korea’s packed core.
We get a shot of the American core, which still has some space to fit in new cities. FDR plans on being a man of the seas however, and sends a settler out into the Atlantic.
Ohio, a state so reviled not even Civ 5 AI will settle it.
Speaking of FDR’s naval hijinks, the American navy seeks to end Chile’s Caribbean experiment. With no reinforcements in sight, the city will absolutely fall given FDR doesn’t prematurely peace out.
The Khazarian capital falls!
That said, the Khazars have a trireme at the city and another close by, and with supporting archers the city will most likely flip once or twice.
We get a shot of the Yugoslav core, which is looking pretty solid.
Expanding will be a little bit of an issue though: being Europe most if not all settleable areas have already been claimed, and their neighbors are either competent or very competent. They’ll definitely need to put some elbow grease to break out.
The frozen wastes of Russia grow ever more crowded as Vladimir, Lithuania and Perm all settle around the Massagetae exclave of Kara-Kum. Eventually this lone city will fall and the map makers will be ever more grateful for less border gore.
We get a shot of the Ainu’s whopping 3 cities, as the Kwaks and Gokturks are claiming valuable turf in Alaska and Far East Siberia.
What I’m wondering though is why they and the Mori have just completely ignored Northern Honshu? Just what horrors lie in those forests?
Maori continues to be best civ by further settling Australia, landing a settler in the Southwestern tip of the continent. While isolated from the Maori core, its overall isolated in general, so I wouldn’t worry about getting kicked out of here for a good while, especially when the only thing on the Wiradjuri’s mind's How to Fight Wars Good: Yolngu Edition
We finally see where that westward Incan settler would finally land, settling Tumebamba northwest of the Maori city of Whatiwhatihoe. The city is far from the Incan core, and with no reinforcements, so the Maori could grab the city with ease if they ever felt like it.
If it remains, it could be the start of a Pacific rivalry between the Inca and Maori.
The Ming look to be the first to found a city on the Hawaiian isles, though it could be short-lived. Like Tumebamba, there’s no supporting military force, and any potential city could easily be taken by the Mohave’s fairly impressive fleet.
Angola settles Mocamedes to their capital’s southwest, and has another settler at the ready, though they’ll probably need to search some more for some decent space.
Meanwhile, to no one’s surprise, the Botswana-Kilwa war is going absolutely nowhere.
Mbarara looks primed to fall, with a mere pixel of health remaining while being surrounded by Ugandan spearmen, though the Kilwan navy looks poised to flip it.
That said, there’s a far more interesting notification in the bottom right…
The Irish declare war on Brandenburg, and they start off strong, blitzing the city of Frankfurt with their navy. With a fairly lackluster military in Scandinavia and multiple undefended cities, this could be Ireland’s big breakout moment!
The Khazars retake their capital, and with no melee units nearby they may have some breathing room. Perhaps if they peace out…
…and I stand corrected. The Permians take Atil yet again, and while it is possible that the Khazars can retake it with their remaining trireme, they really only have the ability to flip it once more.
Not a good time for Khazaria fans.
“The Fish and I have entered an uneasy alliance against the Normans” - Ataturk, announcing the invasion of Cyprus
With his newfound alliance with his fishy friends, the Turks have brought Memphis down to the yellow, and while they could take it the Normans still have some triremes ready to flip.
Mbarara falls to Uganda, while the Kilwa navy looks poised to recapture it. Masaka to the west is seemingly unphased by the Chadian invasion.
Down south, Kilwa settle Sofala in the Seychelles, and have another settler primed in Southern Madagascar. Let’s hope they fill in this empty space instead of bypassing it and moving towards another one-tile island.
The Americans take La Serena, as expected, ending Chile’s escapades in the Caribbean. They do leave a legacy, however, as multiple other South American civs follow Chile’s lead in settling the Caribbean islands.
The Inca have a settler on the southwest tip of Haiti, while a Brazilian settler moves towards either Jamaica or Cuba. The Muisca, though, may be too late to the party.
Botswana has recruited the brilliant military genius that is Fidel Castro! That said, he’s more recruited to just basic training than anything else considering Botswana has completely forgotten about their war with Kilwa and vice-versa.
He vaguely conjures memories of a crisis involving something known as a “missile”. The only crisis he now knows is where that settler could go, considering they aren’t interested in the Cape of Good Hope.
Perhaps Tito’s real estate strats may be onto something, as not only does he settle Pristina next to Split in the middle of the Sahara, but Angola joins in on the craze, settling Benguela just one tile away from Lake Chad (as they should, it’s named CHAD for a reason). Both nations also have a settler in the region, ready to claim more of that prime sand.
We get a shot of the Brandenburg core as the Malians declare war on them. Speaking of wars against the Germans, what happened to the Irish navy? Did the Luck of the Irish fade out already??
Scandinavia's been locked down already, being practically split with Brandeburg controlling the West, and Lithuania controlling Finland. All the while, the poor Anglo-Norse are just a tad too late to the party.
The Philippines join in on the war against North Korea, though I believe this is more of a motivational gesture considering their navy is preoccupied in the Gulf of Thailand, presumingly failing to retake their lost colony from Indonesia.
Rio de la Plata and Chile race to settle Patagonia, with the former settling Tupiza and both civs racing to settle the mouth of the river to the city’s north. I’d put money on Chile beating the Silver River lads.
Looks like Central America will stay true to at least a bit of their IRL roots, declaring themselves a Republic.
Their core is pretty decent, and as it stands they could snag the Mohave city of Selye'aya-ita. They may want to do it sooner rather than later, for a more reinforced Mexico will spell doom for any chance of a Central American victory.
We get a shot of the Han core as they declare war on the Massagetae. Considering this’ll amount to nothing lets check how things are going in the other ways in this slide….where they’re practically amounting to nothing. At least Tuva is slowly making progress I guess.
Chad decided to finally put the pressure on the Ugandan front, bringing Masaka down to the red. With that massive force in comparison to their Ugandan competitors, they’ll certainly keep the city, even if it flips a couple times.
The Maori do eventually found the city of Maraekowhai in the Southwestern tip of Australia.
In this same shot we can see the cores of the Yolngu and Wiradjuri. The Yolngu core is about par for the course for a low tier civ, though the Wiradjuri military looks fairly sparse in this shot.
Bengal also declares war but I think y’all already know that’s gonna go nowhere so let’s just engage in more Core Talk.
Both Bengal and Kokang have very solid cores, though any war between them would be a nightmare given the mountainous terrain.
As previously mentioned, Tuva’s progress is slow against the Qocho but progress is progress. Qocho’s military is beginning to thin out considerably, so perhaps we’ll finally see some momentum in this war.
Ireland, what the hell? Their navy attacking Frankfurt has been completely eviscerated, and a mere two triremes from Brandenburg look to have completely fought them off. The Irish still have a sizable navy in the area, but apparently numbers don’t mean jack.
That said, I now propose new CBR terminology: The Irish Landing.
Definition: a term for choking what should’ve been a guaranteed city capture.
EX: Bro, that city was completely theirs! He just pulled an Irish Landing!
Masaka falls to Chad, and looks like it may stay put as the Ugandan force has essentially backed away to their more immediate core. Not like Chad would make any more progress, given the terrain would make fighting here an absolute nightmare.
More civs jump on the desert real estate hype as Turkey settles Diyarbakir just one tile away from the ocean and Afghanistan sends a settler across the Persian Gulf. Bad news for Yemen as this reduces their settling opportunities, though Afghanistan's poor navy could be a boon for al-Sulayhi. Then again I did say that about Brandenburg and the Irish and look what happened there so maybe I should shush.
The Ming settle Guiyang on the island of Hawaii, though as with the Inca, its distance and lack of military support could make it an easy target, especially for the Mohave, who practically rule the waves around these parts.
Rio de la Plata adopts the Republic form of government, as was the style at this time. This achievement will probably ease the small pain of losing the settling race to Chile, who have settle Rancagua at the mouth of the Chubut River (at least I believe that’s the Chubut River pls forgive me for my sins Argentinian viewers)
With their navy seemingly gone, Mali decides to take the road, or sands in this case, less traveled and sends a land force to the Tetouan heartland.
What goes around comes around, however, as the Normans also send an expedition force across the Sahara to Mali, though not nearly as strong.
Vladimir settles Rostov on Lake Ladoga, and while they do have two more settlers they’ll have some trouble finding space as Lithuania have gone on quite the settling spree. Seems like an opportunity for border gore, much to my dismay.
The Anglo-Norse settler has barely moved up in Finland, probably having an existential crisis about being a settler in a land long settled.
We get a shot of the rather small Massagetae core, though they do possess quite a dense military. Also, if I remember correctly, they are at war with Yemen, which could spell bad news for the exclave of Asir.
Now we're getting to the good stuff (or the downright awful stuff for Comanche fans and Arapaho haters): the Comanche are on their last legs, with Quahadi brought down to the yellow and surrounded by Arapaho and Mohave units. The question now is not if it’ll fall, but who will eventually own it?
Up to the north, the Arapaho settle Xonouu’oo and Biito’owu in a land far separated from their core, and have another settler in the area. An opportunistic Greenlandic play could end the Arapaho Quebec dream though.
The Cree core is pretty damn impressive, fielding large territory and an impressive military. While the terrain could give them trouble in a war against the Kwaks, a surprise attack on a preoccupied Arapaho could be a huge leap towards the Cree’s chances of dominating North America.
Seems like we have a special canon appearance in this slide!
Ahmad Shah Durrani serves as one of Afghanistan’s great generals, which is very fitting considering he is the founder of the Durrani Empire, the basis of modern Afghanistan. With Afghanistan currently looking as impressive if not possibly bigger than the Durrani Empire, only time will tell how far Durrani can take his empire.
Coiot Note: Ahmad Shah Durrani literally being the manager-player subbing himself in. Neat that his name randomly got selected by his own civ.
Over in Angola, we have a less canonical appearance as Redvers Henry Buller serves as one of Angola’s great generals, despite being British. That said he did serve in the Boer war and commanded the British Army in the Natal region so some canon is to be found here.
Mbarara returns to Kilwa’s hand, and while Uganda could certainly flip it again, it seems that most of their forces are actually aiming for the Kilwa heartland.
Also damn Tomyris what did you say to piss everyone off?
The Kayapo settle Kuben-kran-kren to the South of their capital, and though they aren’t lacking in territory, the same cannot be said about their military. Sure they may flaunt their smarts by wielding pikemen, but that doesn’t change the fact their carpet is not existent.
And on the exact same turn Quahadi is left with just a slither of health remaining, almost certainly due to the Arapaho’s siege.
With the only Mohave unit being the equivalent of comatose, we’ve now figured out the answers to the who and when: Arapaho and basically next turn if they don’t peace out somehow.
Despite being in the red, the defenders of the Bass Pro Shops prevail, creating a defensive blockade around the island and removing the Eastern Mediterranean of Turkish units. Ataturk will have to look elsewhere for his quality fishing supplies.
Yemen has made peace with Yugoslavia. Not much else to talk about here other than someone (most likely Durrani) advising the Afghani leadership that Tito’s desert estate craze is probably full of shit, and that their settler should look elsewhere.
Ok the canon has completely gone out the window at this point, with Afghanistan recruiting Israel Tal into their ranks, who is known for leading the development of Israel’s Merkava tank line.
Meanwhile, Massagatae forces close in around Asir.
This is a war we haven’t seen much of, though progress is actually happening.
Vladimir manages to bring Bursa to half-health, though their immediate cavalry is pretty low on health themselves. I don’t have much confidence in them taking the city.
We get another shot of RdlP and Chile, showing that the former still have settlers moving South towards Patagonia, looking for any spare space they can scrap into a settlement. Heh, alliteration my beloved.
The Philippines are really one of the civs ever. What, is there something else of real importance on this slide?
We can talk about Kokang’s settlers, given they just settled Hainan and have two more settlers at the ready. I wouldn’t doubt they get another city on the Philippine islands before the Philippines themselves.
Gao Xiang leads the Gokturk armies in their war, though to say he’s leading them is a stretch, given practically no progress has been made on this front other than Best Korea’s armies thinning out slightly.
Considering Xiang was the military general of the state of Shu Han during the Three Kingdoms period…. yeah no, the canon’s gone like the dad who went to go get milk, it ain’t coming back.
Pandya joins in against Botswana but y’all know the drill at this point.
Their core is pretty impressive, though they have a snowball’s chance in hell of actually pushing up into India against Bengal or Afghanistan, spare some tight settles. Their only chance really lies in one or the other being preoccupied with a war somewhere else, allowing Pandya to snag undefended cities from a stretched power.
Castille is a civ that’s in quite a tight spot, they could take Marrakech to unite Iberia, but after that it’ll be tough expanding outwards, considering the Anglo-Dutch have a pretty alright army.
Alright, that’s enough dilly-dallying. In the words of Gumball, “I think we all know where this is going so let’s just skip to the end.”
And Quahadi falls, bringing Iron Jacket and the Comanche’s run in this season to a close at a paltry 60th place finish.
The Comanche were already in a troubling position from the get go, given the Arapaho were their neighbors. That said, they did have a decent AI track record, and their uniques made for a civ that could strike hard and fast.
That was exactly the opposite of what we saw with the Comanche this season, as they send their extremely valuable second settler on an all-expenses-paid Atlantic cruise, traveling to Europe and North Africa before being apprehended by the US Coast Guard. They would eventually manage to get a second city…about 90 turns in when the Arapaho would settle as far south as Louisiana. Soon enough, the grim reaper would come knocking at the gates, and poor lil’ Iron Jacket stood no chance. F
Inca and America jointly declare war against the Modoc, but given their closest enemy is on the opposite seaboard, there’s not gonna be much happening.
Mohave or the Kwaks joining in, however, would make this region quite spicy.
Looks like waiting actually paid off for the Muisca, as while their settler lied in wait, Brazil settles Olinda on Jamaica, and the Incan settler moves eastward towards the Lesser Antilles, leaving western Hispaniola to the Muisca.
Slow and Steady truly wins the race.
Wiradjuri have another go at throwing hands with the Yolngu, and with dense carpets on both ends I see this going absolutely nowhere. Perhaps the Yolngu could threaten their invader’s island territories?
Either way, that’s a good enough distraction for the Maori to settle more Aussie cities so this is a win for me!
Mbarara falls again to Uganda and is poised to flip..again. What’s more interesting is that Idi Amin has put all his chips into besieging the Kilwa heartland, though I suspect that this may go horribly for him given a lack of siege equipment.
Angola is very much against people bullying our precious funny purple fellas, and in response to the flip of Mbarara, declares war against Uganda. Given the terrain, they really won’t have any impact on this war.
Up north, Chad has Masaka completely locked down, with no Ugandan troops in sight.
The Han managed to snuggle a new city into the core of their empire, settling Jianye between their capital and Chang’an, and have another settler heading towards the Shandong Peninsula. Other than Wu joining in on the #FuckBotswana trend there isn’t much else to elaborate upon here.
The Mori, realizing that giving up Tajihi-Sarukage was, in hindsight, not the brightest idea, declare war on Best Korea. The issue here is that most of their navy is on the opposite side of Japan, being immediately blocked by Ming’s Okinawa settle. Should they find a way around they have a good shot of taking Chongjin and possibly their former Korean colony.
Best Korea may have been too best, as it now has drawn the envy of practically all its neighbors. The Ainu declare war, meaning that Kim is now facing three fronts. Perhaps, things could actually be bad for our Glorious Leader.
The penultimate shot shows the Tuvan core, which is very impressive given they’re our new number one. With the new settle of Teeli to the northeast, and two new settlers at the ready, Tuva isn’t slowing down anytime soon!
Speaking of slow, if only they could speed up their killing of the Qocho.
Our last shot of this episode shows the Yemeni exclave of Asir being assaulted by the Massagetae on all ends, effectively dooming the city to Tomyris’s rule in due time.
And that will do it for this episode! Sorry if it felt rushed, as I juggled this and final projects for the semester, but regardless I do hope y’all enjoyed it!
This has been ItsTruckMonth, adios!