Episode 16: The Tripoints of Torturous Torpidity

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Hello, ladies and not ladies! Welcome back to another episode of the Civilization Battle Royale Twitter Four (CBRX4 for short). I, CelestialDalek, am your narrator for this week, unless you are listening to the audio narration. In that case, I am DocIdo. Well, I don’t really know if it’s fair to say that, since DocIdo didn’t write these words. The person writing these words is CelestialDalek and the person reading them is DocIdo. Forget it let’s just get into the episode that you came here for.

2: bora bora bora bora bora bora

Bora Bora Bora Bora Bora Bora Bora Bora - oh, it appears that Orange’s weekly comic is unfortunately not about Bora Bora but instead about the “impending” wars in North America that never seem to be happen. It’s good, but if you are accepting feedback, Orange please include more Bora Bora :(

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And here is the most recent iteration of Sonicfan0511’s map of the cylinder. On it, you can see the cities on the cylinder as well as OHIO. Rejoice for a convenient guide so you don’t have to squint to look at the minimap in the bottom right!

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Shoutout to all of our supporters on Ko-Fi! This program was made possible by contributions to your CBR station from viewers like you. Thank you!

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Finally, the Faroes are knocked out of the #1 spot in the PRs. I’ll have you know that I voted them in first place, but the majority of other PRs disagreed. Their loss, I suppose, since the Faroes are just clearly better. They have what it takes and Gogurt is just weak yogurt. Sheeps eat yogurt for breakfast, if they even have a concept of meals.

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We begin with a shot of scenic Eastern Europe. The birds are chirping in the forests, the vast expanses of plains are rapidly being turned into farmland, and there is not a mountain in sight. But you would be remiss to call it peaceful, for Latvian leader Karlis Ulmanis has awoken to a rude shock on his desk. During his morning routine of cutting open absurd AI trade proposals, he finds a joint war declaration from the neighboring nations of Kazan and Makhnovia. He pensively looks out his window: neither of these civs can do that much harm to him. Unfortunately, Makhnovia’s UA has been fired and the anarchists of Riga (and also Jurmala) are in revolt, marching around the palace doors. It’s unlikely that any cities will switch hands around the Latvian mainland: Kazan has jackshit on their border, and Makhnovia is probably going to stalemate. Ulamnis’ dream of retaking Rezekne for Latvia will have to wait.

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A similar but considerably less impactful moment awaits in Baaxawuaashe, the capital of the Crow. Joe Medicine Crow wakes up, opens up the letters, and finds his own joint war declaration from the Faroes and Mexico before promptly throwing them away. Neither pose any threat. The only wars that matter here have yet to happen: the inevitable fight against Pueblo or the Yellowknives.

Speaking of which, this slide presents an opportunity to look at the Pueblo’s UU: the Lada:kwe, a Composite Bowman replacement that can move after being purchased, does more damage against wounded units based on the number of religious buildings in its home city, and is cheaper to purchase with Faith. For now, none of this is very impactful.

08

The Shang are in complete freefall. Daji is in complete and utter shock that her citizens do not like her policy of “we kill you, your fellow citizens might get a luxury”. Every city except their capital is in revolt. Their military score can only go down, down, down. Her neighbors are even more mad. Mongolia has retaken Old Sarai and took Xiaotun last part, and Yuanjunmiao is almost certainly going to fall. It remains to be seen whether the Mongolian/Goguryeo coalition will have enough steam to penetrate further. The citizens won’t put up any resistance apart from in their own cities.

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The slogging Sierra Leone-Alaouite war continues. A small contingent seems to be detaching from Waterloo to attack Marrakech, which doesn’t look big enough to succeed in taking it. A couple ships are pointlessly harassing Rabat. The Visigoths would be much better suited to fight this war, since the big prize of Meknes is completely open to their fleet. However, given how their siege of Asturica is going, I wouldn’t trust them to hit the broad side of a barn. At least Sierra Leone has taken some cities.

10: Does

Is it Bora time? Trick question! It’s always Bora time, baby! Puni has sought out an optimistic squad of prospective settlers in the hopes that Palawa will capture and raze Boyagin. If successful, it will prove to be a proud Boragin story for the new city. However, it likely won’t be. The triremes attacking it must funnel through a one-tile gap and can only attack from one tile. We can’t discern much else about the war from this slide apart from the fact that Ballardong is not in imminent danger. However, Wahgi does have crossbows, a feat which few if any civs can match. Unfortunately for them, they are not fighting any land wars in which crossbows will be useful.

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Kazakhstan continues to be ripped apart by the Selkups like a dog tearing through meat. Almaty falls and is set ablaze, but is likely to stop burning - Karaganda was in the early stages of being razed a few turns ago, but the brave Selkup firefighters reversed Vonya’s rash decision. Shymkent and Semey are next on the chopping block, with Pavlodar being an optimistic goal. Only a peace deal with the Selkups can save Kazakhstan at this point.

To the west, the Kazan-Latvia war is completely stagnant. You’d be forgiven for not thinking it was going on. Most of Kazan’s military is fighting to take Shymkent, and most of Latvia’s military is… uhh… somewhere.

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The siege of Asturica has to go down as one of the most incompetent battles ever fought in military history. They should have taken it long, long ago, but Leovigild staunchly refuses to take it now. In a speech in Toledo, he states that “we do not want any chance of Burgundarian reconquest. We have lost Asturica once, we do not want to lose it again. The fewer of our citizens who are killed in urban warfare, the better.” Most of the army has been sent out to sea or around the Pyrenees to initiate a surprise attack, but is anyone really fooled? A few pikemen are continually softening the city up so that they can attack when the time is ripe, if it ever is. At this rate, it won’t be. We can also see England’s UA in effect, damaging Burgundy’s cities due to their garrison in Amiens. Sadly, it doesn’t seem to have helped.

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Kirmukarmu looks at the possibility of declaring war on Bavaria. This would be a completely inconsequential war, as despite the fact that they are on the same continent, they do not share a border. Maybe he got Ludwig and Latvia confused - they both start with L and have six letters. Is Ishtar even a trustworthy source, or is this just gossip going around Kirmukarmun? Jumping into the war against Latvia could gain them Jurmala, but they’re not plotting against Latvia. We can see that the frontlines against Makhnovia and Kazan are both going nowhere, which is to be expected considering the fact that the war has been going for all of one turn.

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Ishtar is distraught at the news that the Finns might declare war on Bavaria. How could they declare war on the cylinder’s favorite catboy vtuber? What will he do on Saturdays if they cut off access to Ludwig’s channel on Twitch? In a meeting with the Babylonian Spy Agency back at the sub, he requests a move to Gungnae, Goguryeo. Over there, Twitch is unfettered and he can freely tune in to the Minecraft castle-building streams.

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Tran Thanh Tong requests a meeting with Lee Kuan Yew. “You know,” he bitterly admits, “deciding to settle Thai Nguyen was an immensely stupid idea. I don’t care much for it anyways. Go ahead and keep it.” Although he intended to continue the war, Lee, as well as all of the diplomats, take and happily accept this as a peace offering. Unfortunately, the Spratly Islands are very much divided between the waters of Bac Giang and Thai Nguyen. There will never be peace there, even in the CBR.

While peace is made in Palawan, war continues to rage in Borneo. Maguindanao’s last refuge of T’Bok is falling under ranged barrage from the combined Zheng and Wahgi armies. Only Wahgi has a melee unit within striking distance, but Zheng could maneuver that horseman around Sulawesi. It’s a tossup, but it’s not going to go in Maguindanao’s favor.

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Eager to be a part of something, Kanem-Bornu joins the anti-Latvia coalition. It’s hard to say how much impact this will have (without using a synonym for “zero”). Saba’s military presence in this region isn’t as high as it once was, so don’t expect to see a massive sub-Saharan war break out over the fate of Minya. Also, did you know that the Mamluks and Kanem-Bornu are still at war? Their troops sure don’t! Shajar al-Durr will have to wait for a war against fellow girlboss Makeda if she wants the quick release of death.

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Seeing the revolt in Riga, Ulmanis decides to wrap up some loose ends. “Are we at war with, uhh, Shang?” he asks his advisors. “It seems like everyone is. If we are, call it off. Kazakhstan, too. Can’t have them take Kyzylorda back.”

Fortunately for any Kyzylordans, Kazakhstan is rather preoccupied. The walls are closing in on Shymkent, and although Semey has yet to take damage it will soon. Kazan seems to have remembered that they are in fact at war with Latvia, and has sent a contingent of their military north to take Kyzylorda. Ulmanis doesn’t exactly have a defensive force to retain it, and its defensive strength is lacking.

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The walls are closing in on Bento Goncalves. A few New Dutch carracks have easily taken Bage, one of his last two vestiges. It’s being razed, but its citizens are glad that the burning houses provide some warmth in their frigid hellhole. His military now consists of one spearman and one composite bowman, and no less than 5 fresh carracks are approaching Guaiba. Once it is taken, Rio Grande will be eliminated. They will need a defense bug of epic proportions to survive this one. Maybe Maurits will send his pikemen and catapults back to fight Tiwanaku instead of using them to stomp on a nearly-dead rump that can only be attacked efficiently by sea.

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Nivkh and the Finns both decide to make peace with the belabored Shang. So, it’s a pretty good time to look at the Nivkh core. It could be better. Their military is neither strong nor technologically advanced, but they do completely surround Bakjak. I’m not saying that a war with Goguryeo would be a good idea, but… it’s not like the Goguryeo maintain an active military presence on the border. Go in, take Bakjak and Geonan, go out. Easy as that! Who cares about military size and technological superiority when you have an ambush?

20: anyone

The Khoshuts are at war with Shang, believe it or not. Apparently Gushi Khan doesn’t, because he sent merely three chariots out to observe the city. The Himalayas are tough to get through, but there is literally no defense around Dawenkou. As such, it has taken far more damage than it deserves. We can get a pretty good shot of all of Shang’s fronts here, and it looks like Daji will live to kill citizens another day. The Zheng offensive has stalled after taking Qingliangang, Goguryeo attacked Yuanjunmiao and fucked off, and Mongolia doesn’t have the muster to trek farther in. This was a disastrous coalition for them, but it went better than it could have gone.

Over in Europe, Leovigild decides that the siege of Asturias isn’t enough. He needs to declare war on Latvia.

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They’re going to do it. They’re going to fucking do it. Bora-Bora is on the verge of taking Cacapava do Sul. It’s Bora time. HOWEVER. Tiwanaku is surrounding the purely undefended city of Piratini, the former Riograndenese capital. If I were Puni, I wouldn’t make the trade, but he has no other choice. Without Cacapava do Sul, Piratini cannot be reinforced. Their military is finally being put to good use, though: Ecuador and New Holland cannot say as much, as they’re dicking around in the Amazon and occasionally taking potshots at Tiwanaku’s cities. It’s up to Bora-Bora to save this coalition.

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I’m going to be honest, I’m impressed with Taino so far. My expectations were low, so that much is easy. But I am mad at them for taking Fort San Carlos and destroying Florida’s chances. But look. Florida is still going to win. It’s Gregor MacGreggin’ time, everybody. Somehow. As long as they don’t declare war on Taino, because that navy would shred MacGregor, as well as most of the other Caribbean navies. They’re no Buccaneers, though. Speaking of navies, a poor Tiwanaku scout is going to die in their waters from New Holland’s barrages, an unfortunate casualty of the Amazon War.

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They’ve done it. They’ve fucking done it. Bora has taken Cacapava do Sul, allowing them to reinforce Piratini and solidifying their iron grip across the Rio de la Plata. Puni has the city slated to burn, but with the Raze Against The Machine mod the flames in most razed cities are quickly extinguished. The attack on Piratini seems to have been weakened, probably out of shock. Who would have thought that a random Pacific island civ would become a player in South America? But wait. What’s that difference in colors over to the left side of the screen? Have they…

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Yes! They have! Omo has fallen to the might of the Boran navy! Much like Cacapava do Sul, it’s being razed and I don’t expect the job to be finished. Although it’s not going to act as a beachhead in this war, it will surely be an important city in future conquests assuming they keep it. The rest of the Tiwanaku coalition is clowning around as usual. Pajchiri has taken *some* damage, and Lukurmata none, and the usual massive Ecuadorian forces are descending upon them, being picked off, and being produced back again. Bora has literally been the only civ to capture a city thus far, in fact they’ve captured five: the island cities of Cajamarquilla, Wiracochapampa, and Machaca; in addition to Omo and Cacapava do Sul. New Holland has LOST one city, Cacapava do Sul, and Ecuador has done nothing. Unfortunately, the navy can proceed no further inland, so this might mark the end of Puni’s conquest of Tiwanaku.

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Just kidding, Puni still has more to conquer! Wilcawain is nothing more than an extremely easy target for the accomplished Boran navy. Will(cawain) it prove to be a useful city? Probably not. Its purpose is just as another trophy that Puni can proudly flaunt to his supporters. This is going to mark the end of Puni’s conquest of Tiwanaku and I’m not leading you on this time.

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Speaking of ends of conquests, Goguryeo and Shang decide to make peace after a nothingburger of a war. It’s not like nothing happened: Gwanggaeto’s army has kindly softened up Yuanjunmiao for Sorghaghtani to snatch up. Unfortunately for her, they haven’t done the same to Banpo, so the war is likely going to peter out at this frontline, unless Daji sneaks in and flips Old Sarai. If she does, it will flip back. She’s basically just going to be playing OCC at this point given the state that everywhere but Zhaoge is in. A sad fate for a former top contender.

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Palawa continues to weather the Noongar assault. Bora has abandoned their attempt at settling Boragin, and is now going somewhere else entirely. While Tarenorerer’s army presents a good course in defense, their offense seems to be lacking. Their army tech is better, but it’s mostly stuck behind the frontlines, and it’s hard to tell if they could push through the swarms of Noongar troops anyways. Another wave looks like it’s coming from the direction of Kriwa to take another shot at Nipaluna and likely fail again. Considering that Palawa seemed destined to retake Kriwa at the beginning of the war, perhaps it’s actually Noongar whose defensive tactics should be studied.

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As predicted, the low-health city of Yuanjunmiao finally falls to Mongolia after Goguryeo did all the heavy lifting and then dipped. The citizens were not revolting here under Shang rule before, making them a rarity among Daji’s crumbling empire. However, they seem to miss the constant intrigue of murder, as they’re rioting over their newfound Mongolian rule. But, more surprisingly, it looks like Mongolia has finally coalesced their forces into a military that severely threatens Banpo. If they do take it, the repercussions will be huge: it opens the door to Yinxu and Zhaoge, with fewer defenders around. It’s not like the Shang army will put up with much of a fight. As long as the Dzungars don’t intervene on Daji’s side, Mongolia’s future looks bright.

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Forget Faroese Quebec. The new thing around these parts if Faroese Cape Verde. Given how “Cape Verde” is just a translation of “Green Cape,” I will be calling the settlement of Sydrugota “Grøna Kap,” the Faroese translation of “Green Cape”. Grøna Kap doesn’t really pose a threat to any African dealings, like the hopeless Sierra Leone-Alaouite war. It’s just there to be cool. Speaking of the war, it’s business as usual: not throwing anything at Rabat, shoving troops into a Marrakesh meatgrinder, and general incompetence. If I were Thomas Peters, I’d quit the war and silently build up troops. But I am not. As it stands, Grøna Kap might be the best hope for peace in the region.

30: actually

T’Bok is down to the red after a constant barrage of ships. The Zheng horseman looks to be sitting comfortably in exactly the same place as before on Sulawesi, enjoying the spectacles of the babirusas and wondering if they could be ferocious steeds. If Zheng manages to take it, he might be consigned to garrison duty and have to be content with looking at orangutans.

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Unfortunately for the residents of Bage who were freezing to death, New Holland has decided to stop burning the city to the ground. A single Riograndenese trireme has come out to contest the swarm of carracks slowly but surely descending upon Guaiba, but it’s hopeless. Bento Goncales is well and truly fucked, and likely to be buried under the permafrost before the end of this part.

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Against all of our expectations from the beginning of the game, Scandinavia has been rather peaceful. Ume Sami and the Finns have lived in relative harmony, even though Rapolan looks like the world’s juiciest military target. The biggest threat to peace has been the Faroes, as evidenced by their two former Ume Sami holdings in Norway. Given the tech disparity between the two navies, they are solidly in Faroese hands for now. We also get a look at the Ume Sami’s UU, the Nåjjde, a Great Merchant replacement that gives 2 Gold and 2 Faith for each lake or mountain in their empire. At such a small scale, it won’t be all that useful in this game.

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While doing his usual morning routine, Karl Ulmanis gets a letter in the mail, covered in frost and sent from Kyzylorda. “URGENT!” it reads, “Kazan has remembered that they are war with us. Send reinforcements please.” He sends a few horsemen up to oblige. While neither side has a lot of military units up here, take a look at Kyzylorda’s city strength. That’s not really a ripe target for easy defense. Luckily for Ulmanis, Möxämmädämin of Kazan (or, as his friends call him, Moxa) has yet to discover Latvia’s other cities. “As far as the Republic of Kazan is concerned, Jelgava and Valmiera are urban legends. Their existence is only as real as El Dorado.” Evidently, the rest of their army agrees.

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In one fell swoop, the entirety of East Africa decides to gang up on Harappa in an utterly meaningless coalition. If they were on the right continent, this could prove fatal, since Harappa’s military is weak. Their only real protection is the Great Wall of Harappa, but as the Afsharids proved last part, with enough grit and determination you can still pick off their cities. Speaking of, we get a nice shot of the Afsharid core and can see a well-composed military that is not to be trifled with. Central Asian civs must pick their battles carefully.

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Did I say that East Africa vs. Harappa was utterly meaningless? I lied, because Mogadishu is poised to just immediately take Safwan and rule over Socotra. Soon, all Mogadishu citizens will be allowed to travel to the idyllic island and bask under the dragonblood trees endemic to the island. Harappa stands no chance of holding the besieged, unreinforced, far-flung island. We can also see the dying breaths of the Vijayanagara assault on Sutkagan-Dor, as the city has been beaten into yellow at the expense of the flotilla. The Qarmatians are in a semi-respectable position, just hemmed in from all sides by technological and production disparities. Much like Saba-D’mt, they’re doing really well for a civ that refused to settle a second city for so long.

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One place where the Qarmatians are not in a respectable position is the city of Zahran, just off the coast of Madagascar. Basically the entire Swazi navy of five ships is attacking it, with the other three on their way. Mogadishu dreams of one day being able to unify the Indian Ocean under their rule, and if they strike now they have the navy to do it. Unfortunately, Abu Bakr is too shy to declare war on the other civs without being part of a coalition and is waiting for everyone to suddenly hate Eswatini and/or Vijayanagara. It’d certainly make borders a lot nicer. Hluti and Mhlume are annoying obstructions for ship navigation right now, after all.

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The anti-Shang coalition is finally over. After making no progress, Zheng and the Khoshuts have decided to let Daji ruin her empire on her own. This war has seen a massive reversal of fortune for Daji, who we placed #1 in the PRs back in part 3. It only seems like a matter of time before another war brings them down (probably with Zheng and/or Mongolia), but Daji has other matters to attend to for now: writing love letters to fellow serial killer, girlboss, and coalition target Elizabeth Bathory. It’s foxgirl summer now.

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If you don’t look to the south, Faroese Quebec looks like it’s thriving. Massive military presence, tons of cities, even what looks like some tennis players from the Yellowknives around Ellesmere Island. A Faroese settler is up on Ellesmere Island, establishing a city in which to build the tennis courts. Unfortunately, to the south you can also see the borders of Seneca. Every #1 power seems to have their white whale, one war that is theoretically a pushover but turns into a slog: Uruguay vs. Kuikoro, Punjab vs. Bhutan, Turkey vs. Kyivan Rus’. The Faroes have found theirs. Look at all those units and tell me: how the FUCK are they not absolutely obliterating Seneca? What are they doing wrong?

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Step right up and welcome back to the Southeast Asian Clusterfuck, where the world’s most mediocre civs burn their military for no gain! Today, Zheng and the Khoshuts have decided to try their hand at taking down Dai Viet, while Siam intervenes on the side of Dai Viet but only against the Khoshuts. Will any cities change hands? Not unless someone makes a moronic peace deal. Will the Khoshuts ever figure out that chariot archers are not a good offensive military unit? No. Thanks to the loss of Lhasa in a peace deal with the Dzungars, Gushi Khan’s empire looks like a gerrymandered district or a dying snake. Thanks to the liberal amount of mountains, the main hope for putting him out of his misery is an attack from Harappa or another stupid peace deal. I’m going to be honest I don’t think Siam is cut out for the job.

40: read

After much work from ingenious Egyptian engineers, the Cairo Citadel is finally complete. The only problem is, because Cairo got captured, all of the Mamluk’s engineers moved to Narym, the capital of the Selkups, to build it. So it’s not really the Cairo Citadel anymore, but what does that matter? This is going to prove to be an incredibly useful wonder, as it provides +10% combat strength in desert tiles and an attack bonus against cities. Perhaps this will inject new life into the Kazakh war.

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We get to look at the main core of the Faroes, and when comparing this to what we’ve seen of Goguryeo, I maintain my PR decision last week that the Faroes are #1. Look at all those ships. To solidify their position, they have recruited famous Chinese statesman Zhou Enlai. The real draw of this slide is to the left though. The Faroes have unlocked galleons, which poses bad news for anyone who they decide to get in a naval war with. Don’t mess with Fexas.

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Bukhara sure is surviving. They don’t really have a military or anything but they do have the Chinese realist artist Qi Baishi and peace with Siam. The Dzungars and Afsharids could probably eliminate them by sneezing. Up north, we can see that the Selkups have stopped burning Almaty. Maybe the massive Narym-Cairo Citadel makes the former Kazakh citizens proud.

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After a quick ship siege, Mogadishu conquers Safwan. The coalition has finally achieved their goal of stopping Harappa from ruining Socotra, and Mogadishu immediately declares it the world’s first nature-military reserve. But the success is geographically sandwiched in between two military failures: the Mamluk’s final stand in Damietta is going well, with the city yet to take a sliver of damage; and the Vijayanagara attack on Sutkagan-Dor has now been entirely repulsed. Now if only Saba-D’mt would wake up and do something…

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Thomas Peters’ military continues to be dicking around in the middle of the Sahara and pretending to fight a war. Marrakesh remains completely unharmed. I would have expected it to at least be attacked once. Some horsemen in Kanem-Bornu eye the sparsely defending city of Fez: what they’ve done once with Bo, they might be able to repeat. Accompanying them is Leon Shumkin, a major player in the Simon & Schuster publishing house, who is writing a self-help book about how to survive boredom in the life as a soldier during times of peace.

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Daji is cowering and shaking in her boots. The entire Mongolian military is positioned at her borders, ready to overwhelm the ten enthusiastic Shang loyalists who were rapidly conscripted into the army out of desperation. Suddenly, one of her ambassadors hands her a letter. “It’s for you.”

“I don’t wanna read it. Send him to the murder chamber,” she responds. The ambassador is dragged away, and she silently opens the letter huddling in the corner of her office, her candle acting as the only source of light.

“Dear Daji,

Fuck you. LMAO (that means ‘Laughing My Ass Off’). I dont feel like fighting a war right now so can we make peace

XOXO,

Sorghaghtani”

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To cool off, Daji takes a vacation to the Arctic city of Zhengzhou. I don’t know how Goguryeo failed to take it during their war, but it looks to be recovering now. Why is their military up here, you may ask? Because they’re at war with the Selkups. How are they going to get around Mongolia? Doesn’t matter. But, if you’ve been wondering where their military has gone since it’s not in their core, you found it. Daji is on edge but overall feeling rather relieved.

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Time for another shot of the Middle East, probably the world’s most peaceful region! It’s always nice to get a break from reality. Although the Qarmatians are playing third fiddle in this region right now, we get a spotlight on their UU: the Uqaylid Outrider, a pikeman replacement that does double damage when below half health and deals damage to enemy units when it dies. We don’t know what it outrides, however. Maybe the French Snail Warriors? It would be a valuable asset in a land war, but unfortunately for us they aren’t fighting one right now.

48

It’s finally going to happen. The Visigoths finally have a melee unit right next to Asturica, and it’s finally in the red. England looks pretty bored of the coalition and is just poking some units in to check on things. After the Visigoths take Asturica, it looks like it’s going to be a lot smoother sailing if they choose to go for Autun, which would probably be a rather wise move, at the expense of sacrificing their more historically accurate borders (just ignore their city in Ireland). But for now, it’s Asturica or bust, and I think Leovigild chose Asturica.

49

After a long naval siege, the Zheng horseman on Sulawesi finally decided to swing around in search of orangutans. As he made landfall, he saw the Maguindanao flag flying off in the distance and walked towards the ruined city of T’Bok. As he entered the crumbling makeshift presidential “palace,” the guards let him right through the gates. Kudarat was sitting dejectedly on his throne, an office chair painted gold.

“Are you from Zheng or Wahgi?”“Zheng,” answered the horseman.

“Here’s all the paperwork that cedes control of the city.” Kudarat handed over a thin sheaf of papers. “Just sign here, here, and here, and then put me out of my misery.”

The horseman looking around.

“Oh. Here’s a pen.”

“Thank you,” the horseman replied. He obliged and signed the documents, which were taken away by a malnourished aide to the sultan.

“Now do the deed.”

The horseman took out his sword and stuck it in Kudarat’s chest. The golden office chair tipped over, dumping his lifeless body on the ground. He lit a cigarette and tossed it on the ground, accidentally setting the city on fire. It’s not like he cared that much.

Maguindanao is eliminated in 60th place, their death the target of a coalition of much stronger naval powers. Instead of focusing on building a navy, or even many settlers, Kudarat instead lavishly built wonders. When Wahgi and Zheng got jealous, the combined coalition swarmed all of their coastal cities with their navies and chewed through them slowly but surely. An unfortunate end, especially considering that their civball is super awesome.

50: these

According to Ishtar, rumor has it that Gwanggaeto wants to start another war with Harappa. Will they move their entire military to the southwest of their empire and try to jump at the wildly out of reach opportunity? Or will this war even happen? The “gaeto” in the Goguryeo president’s name reminds Ishtar of the Bavarian catboy streams, since “gato” means “cat” in Spanish.

51

Ishtar is displeased with his placement in Gungnae. Sure, there’s unfettered access to Twitch there, but Ludwig’s streaming schedule is primarily European, and he always has to go do spying things when Ludwig is streaming. He missed the unveiling of the new vtuber avatar all for the news that Gwanggaeto wants to go to war with Harappa! They don’t border Harappa! As such, he submits a complaint back to our sub asking for relocation to Mauritsstad, which has the benefit of not crossing spying and watching catboy vtubers as well as being in a juicier location for gossip, what with New Holland’s wars.

52: AAAAAAAAAAAAGH

are. you. fucking. joking.

no words. well maybe a few. england made peace with burgundy.

53

The might of the plucky Swazi navy has finally overwhelmed Zahran, creating another mighty attractive target in case Mogadishu decides to muster the courage to attack them. Even if she’s facing troubles in the African continent, at least Mdluli is making a name for herself at the annual IIOC (International Indian Ocean Conference).

54

Royal Hungary faces a war declaration from the Faroes. This will not be impactful, but the fact that they are so distant could signal that a coalition is about to form. Speaking of coalitions, let’s look at how Latvia is doing. We need to ask “how” because if we were to look at what Latvia is doing, we would not be looking at anything. Ulmanis and Makhno are completely locked in a bloody stalemate that is very unlikely to result in any cities changing hands. If Bavaria could join in, that would be nice. I’d give anything for competent warmongers around here.

55

Kazan’s military has finally captured the frigid Kyzylorda. Latvia is not poised to retake it for the time being, as Ulmanis’ closest melee unit is across the strait sitting outside of Ventspils. It’s unclear what Kazan’s next target, if any, will be, or if their military is also going to focus on eliminating Kazakhstan. Somehow, Semey is still yet to take any damage from the Selkup’s military. I guess the Narym-Cairo Citadel isn’t being put to good use.

56

The partition of Kazakhstan continues, as Kazan captures Shymkent on the same turn as Kyzylorda. Moxa kicks out the Selkup’s military at the gates in the hopes that they use it to keep going in the war and take Semey. Kazan’s own military retreats a bit, perhaps to focus on the other fronts and exploit the tangled Latvian military. A rogue builder is smashing things up outside Kargasok, which apparently the composite bowmen nearby have yet to notice.

57

We get a wider shot of the scene of Maguindanao’s elimination. They still have a builder sitting on the outskirts of T’Bok, so as a show of generosity to the builder, Bol’im decides to make peace. Both Wahgi and Zheng have scary-looking navies, but there’s one very important Zheng advantage here: they have unlocked galleons, and Wahgi, despite their science output, have not. For the first time in a while, the Indonesian Archipelago is mostly peaceful.

58

While Nusantara is sinking into an era of peace, the war against Tiwanaku has been kicked into high gear. For once, the combined armies of Ecuador and New Holland are pushing in now that Bora-Bora has run out of coastal cities! Lukurmata is completely swarmed by Ecuadorian troops, and the coalition has a shot at Pajchiri too. Bora is barely holding onto Omo, and the Tiwanaku counteroffensive at Piratini has been repelled entirely. It’s not complete collapse, but it’s not looking good.

59

The Faroes were indeed the start of a larger coalition when declaring war on Royal Hungary, as Kanem-Bornu, Latvia, and Rome have also joined the fray. This isn’t as bad news as it seems. As we’ve discussed, Latvia is already overextended with Kazan and Makhnovia, and the last thing they need is another front. Fortunately for them Royal Hungary doesn’t have the military force to take advantage of their weakness. The main threat is a naval invasion of Gyor by Rome, which is going to be tough but has a slim shot of working. Any land invasion will stall in the mountains, of course.

60: slide

While everyone else is declaring war on her, Kirmukarmu extends the olive branch with Bathory. We get a nice shot of the Kalmyks in this slide, just chilling out in their rump state. Makhno is trying to attack them, but it’s not going well on account of the one-tile funnel through which their troops must go. The Latvian-Makhnovian war is still as much of a meatgrinder as ever, as both sides waste the lives of their civilians in the hopes that they’ll end the war with Mariupol on their side.

61

Abu Tahir al-Jannabi of the Qarmatians ahistorically decides to wrap up some loose ends, ending his wars with Eswatini, the Faroes, Ndongo, Latvia, and the Visigoths in one fell swoop. Mogadishu and Pontus going to bat against them would spice things up since nothing is really happening here. Oooo Mirthradates you want to get Dioscurias and Eupatoria back oooo please just do something I beg of you paint the world with your beautiful purple colors.

62

And here is the customary map. There’s a few things we can see. The first is the cylinder. The second is that Dai Viet’s empire sort of looks like Vietnam but with a tumor. The third is that the Faroes never did settle that Ellesmere island city. That’s what we can see.

The keen-eyed observers may see something more interesting than the map in this slide…

63

The Ecuadorian swarm finally does a threatening amount of damage as it descends into the Amazon. Lukurmata is not going to be in Tiwanaku’s hands for very much longer, and Moreno keeps pumping out units to join the fray while Tiwanaku languishes. Pajhiri is also being threatened, and it looks like New Holland has a decent shot at taking it for their own. Meanwhile, in Boran South America, Omo is still holding on despite Huyustus mustering as much force as he can to take it back. Things aren’t looking good for him.

64

Pueblo, the best North American civ that isn’t the Faroes, has been going on a settling spree and has all of Hawaii locked down. If Po’pay places his settlers in the right spots, he can squeeze two more cities out here. For lack of more interesting things to say about this slide, they have settled Abiquiu in Hawaii, which is the title of the Breaking Bad episode where Jesse first meets Andrea Cantillo. It is also a city in New Mexico, which is why the Breaking Bad episode has the title it does.

65

Good news: there are finally some military units in Goguryeo’s core. Bad news: they are all either barbarians or sent to kill the barbarians. Gwanggaeto’s citizens are rather unhappy now that our nice spy of Ishtar went off to New Holland and have revolted to bring him back, as well as to make a point about how unsafe they feel. Well tough luck, because we won’t be bringing Ishtar back. At least not this episode, I don’t know what future episodes have in store for him. Sorry for the spoiler.

66

Maria of Tehuelche is out for a walk in Comlel when she sees some kids performing music on the street. Unfortunately, they aren’t very good from an objective standpoint so they do not form a Great Musician. To try and capitalize off of them, she hires a Great Merchant named Brian Epstein to form a band out of these street kids called “The Beetles”.

For some reason, Bora has amassed their troops around Patio. I’d attack Tiwanaku if I were Puni and not do anything stupid by overextending.

67

We get a better look at Goguryeo’s core, and it looks like some of the military might be coming back to a more sensible position? I take back my comments about Nivkh trying to pluck off that island city earlier, because it would not go well for them right now. Not without the power of their Great Musician, Ulvi Cemal Erkin, a Turkish symphonic composer. His pieces will inspire the brave soldiers as they march into battle and get their asses kicked by the Goguryean army.

68

Look at all the poor settlers on this slide, trapped without anywhere to go. I count 3 in Harappa, 1 in Bukhara, 2 in Vijayanagara, 3 in the Khoshuts, and 1 in the Dzungars. None of which are going to be able to find a place to settle down and will be forced to wander endlessly or get enslaved and turn into builders. On a happier note, Harappa has discovered the hidden talent of Buckminster Fuller and is now in the process of replacing all of their houses with the much cooler geodesic domes.

69

The war is finally starting to turn back all the way towards Noongar’s favor. The defense around Nipaluna has fallen short, and Yagan’s troops are advancing next to the city. Laylatiya is having better luck but the defensive soldiers are still outnumbered. How did Palawa fumble the ball this hard? Is Giovanni de Medici scamming them? The answer is simple. It’s because of Woke.

70: titles?

Now that all of New Holland’s navy has swung down with nothing better to do, Guiaba is on death’s door, and I’ll bet my life savings that Rio Grande is eliminated this episode. There’s no hope of flipping it back, no coming back from this, nothing. They are as dead as a doornail.

71

Somehow, the Faroes have yet to take Kayahsuto’ke despite their massive tech advantage and massive military advantage. The galleons which we saw in their fleet earlier have now become more widespread, and the Baffin Sea is filled with them. If it weren’t for the Thule city of Kinngait, they might be useful in attacking Seneca, but no dice. Perhaps more embarrassing is the fact that Seneca is completely surrounding Sandur but has yet to deal a tick of damage.

72

You know that comment about keen-eyed observers I made ten slides ago? It’s relevant now. If you weren’t as keen-eyed, go back and look at the upper right corner of slide 62. Wahgi and Bora are now officially at war in the clash of the Pacific titans. So far, Bol’im is probably kicking himself right now as the great BORAN ARMADA has surrounded Tolu. If peace is made quickly, Bora is going to come out ahead, but since they’re stretched thin fighting Tiwanaku, Wahgi has the potential for decent gains here. Of course, the GLORIOUS BORAN ARMADA will repel it because they are Bora-Bora.

73

Here’s a nice shot of the well-carpeted core of the Dzungars. They may not be 1st in tech, but they have a damn big army sandwiched in the mountains. Pretty much all the civs up here were likely to be good from the get-go thanks to their spawn, so it’s just a battle of the Tundra Titans to see who survives up here, even though the Selkups are the only tundra-heavy civ. Some of the construction workers on the Narym-Cairo Citadel are mad about being put out of work now that the wonder is built, gather horses, and rampage around near the capital as barbarians.

74

Kyzylorda flips thanks to the Latvian Arctic Regal Flotilla, or LARF(ing tibs). Somehow, Kazan does not look like they’re in a position to retake it and all their military just decided that the war was won. Not so, not so. Some Latvian land troops have finally made an incursion into Moxa’s territory, but they’re just going to die quickly. To take out their anger over losing Kyzylorda, Moxa declares war on Bathory, as is the style at the time.

75

Umu builds the Hofburg Palace in Tyr, which according to the wonders sheet “established the unique Holy Roman Empire” government and begins a Golden Age. As such, Nivkh is now officially the Holy Nivkh Empire. I guess this is what all their production was going to instead of military units.

76

Thomas Peters continues to pile troops onto Marrakesh, and it looks like this time he might be getting somewhere? The Alaouites are certainly outnumbered. It’s hard to see how Rabat is doing because Don Juan of Austria is blocking it up. Apparently, he was the illegitimate son of the Holy Roman Emperor… Umu, what the hell are you doing. If you zoom in enough, you can see that it’s in the low green: a decent amount of damage, but not enough to take it in the near future.

77

Johan Maurits has had enough of the Faroes fumbling the attack on Seneca and, according to Ishtar, is planning to take matters into his own hands. I don’t know how reliable our spy is at this point, since most of his predictions have turned out to be about boring wars and are inaccurate. Whatever works, though.

78

Tolu is in the red, and there’s no way that Bora doesn’t capture it, killing off the crossbowman garrisoned there in the process. Wilcawain has taken a back seat to the significantly more important conquest of a true rival for the Pacific islands. Given what we’ve seen of Wahgi’s navy while they were fighting Maguindanao, we’re gonna need a bigger (amount of) boats to see substantial progress and crown Puni as the one true lord of the isles.

79

At long last, after turns upon turns of mocking us, Moreno swoops in for the kill and takes Lukurmata, setting it on fire in the process. Unfortunately for Tiwanaku haters, it looks almost certain to flip back. It’s in the red and utterly surrounded by melee units, and Ecuador don’t have too many melee units nearby to rerecapture the city. New Holland has decided to arbitrarily retreat from Pajchiri and let the Ecuadorians take it alone, which they are probably capable of doing. And if they do, it has a much better chance of holding than Lukurmata thanks to being further out from Huyustus’ core.

80: I

As if this corner of Europe wasn’t seeing enough chaos, Makhno decides to join in on the bloodBathory and declares war on Royal Hungary, turning it into a threeway war. Who knows how this is going to turn out? Latvia’s military seems to be getting beaten back, but Makhno doesn’t have too many troops in the north of his “empire”. Royal Hungary is committing to a push into Latvia, but the border near Kassa is a tripoint, so it’s just total pandemonium here.

81

At long last, the ships have cracked through the frozen-over port of Guaiba and captured the city, eliminating Rio Grande in 59th place. A lackluster military led to a coalition against all of their neighbors, with their core being perfectly split in three by Tiwanaku, New Holland, and Bora Bora. They still survived on their cold colonies, but eventually the New Hollandaise military hunted them down and dealt the finishing blow. The ships arrive to find Bento Goncales’ body frozen completely, and dump his body in the streets, naturally burying him by the next snowfall.

82

Saba’s success story is simply stunning. Stunted, since no settlers settled second settlements, Saba summited statistical sortings, shaping stunning soldier squadrons. Such a surfeit of settlers supervened.

Although their core isn’t well-carpeted, don’t let Makeda trick you into thinking she’s behind the curve. She has tons of production, a good military, but slightly below average techs. Another golden age would be a massive boon and cannot come soon enough for their empire. In the hopes that it will spur a golden age, a peace treaty is signed with Harappa, the first civ to chicken out of the EAAHC (East African Anti-Harappa Coalition).

83

Finally, some actual action arises in the Indian subcontinent. The Afsharids have decided to attack Vijayanagara, which is certainly a decision. I think they might have gotten confused with Harappa, because the only effect this has is putting Mehrgarh in the danger zone. To get to a coastal city, Nader Shah will have to fight through a ton of triremes to even threaten Mangalapura, which he is simply not able to right now. On the other hand, the Vijayanagaran navy won’t have too much trouble attacking Mehrgarh. This better be part of a coalition, or else Nader Shah is going to regret wasting troops on this.

84

Over in Alaska, a few barbarians by Kuganajuup appear to have been spawned, but mostly killed off except for one cornered pikeman. Javraganak, on an expedition over there, announces there is only one way to deal with the pikeman. Run at it with horses. This is not going too well.

Thule is finally upgrading to carracks, which solves the question of how they’re going to attack Nivkh when they have the same boats. Their core is as easily defensible as ever and is pretty well populated among the mountains too. The real test is breaking out.

85

After losing the race to Shymkent to Kazan, the Selkup military has finally decided to move on and blitz Semey. With their overwhelming advantage on their side, this is akin to rolling the last remnants of Kazakhstan over in their sleep. However, they do have Tecumseh, who escaped Prophetstown after the Osage took it and has been scooped up as a Great General. Given how Shawnee are dead in 61st, I’m not so sure this is a good sign for the military. It appears like they’re also preempting the fall (sensibly) and are lunging towards Pavlodar to take it straight afterwards. Vonya is showing Nazarbayev zero mercy in this fight.

The fight for Kyzylorda is intensifying, as Kazan is bringing up some troops to try and reretake it as Latvia is simultaneously reinforcing it with some carracks.

86

So, how’s the progress in the anti-Bathory coalition going? As you can see by the slide, it really isn’t going at all. Predictably, the naval attack on Gyor is bottlenecked but Trajan hasn’t committed many ships to the attack anyways. Makhno and Ulmanis have done jackshit. Mithradates has not joined. Trajan REALLY wants some empty land, because by my count he has seven settlers in this slide, including two on Sicily. Maybe if he captures a Hungarian city then he’ll raze it. I don’t know, he won’t.

87

Osage is doing surprisingly well for their early performance. It really goes to show that eliminating your enemies pays off, a lesson more advisable in the CBR than in the workplace. All that they need to worry about is when Pueblo attacks. They have also recruited Japanese entertainment company cofounder Yoshimoto Sei. Sei’s fellow businessman Gregor MacGregor is off to the side, waiting patiently for the time to strike. It’s going to be soon and nobody will see it coming.

88

For the final non-menu slide, we get to see New Holland, where Ishtar brings some unfortunate news. Maurits is preparing to wage war against everyone’s favorite civ whose name contains Bora: Bora Bora. Judging by the state of their army, this sure won’t be a land war, but this side of Bora’s domain doesn’t have nearly as many ships to defend itself.

Off to the side of the screen, we can see that Tiwanaku has recaptured Lukurmata. Because we can’t see the units to its west, whether or not it flips back at the beginning of next episode is up in the air. Moreno and Maurits continue to lackadaisical chip away at the walls of Pajchiri. Will they take it next episode?! I don’t know, I’m not narrating it. I hope so, because I like New Holland and would love to see their laziness pay off.

89

Ishtar decides to move to the Faroe Islands to get less ping on the new official Luduwuig Minecraft server as well as do his spy duties over their. But, since this is the end of the episode, we’ll see what gossip he picks up next part.

90: doubt

Time for the real fun part of the episode: looking at all of the pompous names that the leaders have chosen for themselves and who they are ruled by. Despite the military being the dominant faction, Gwanggaeto still claims to be the democratically elected “president” of the Goguryean State.

91

The Finns? Nah, fuck that, they’re called the “Tavastian Kingdom” now, an infinitely cooler name. (Sorry, Thy)

92

I’m not going to dispute any of the titles that Puni has given himself. He has conquered, he is great, and he is a king. Epic!

93

I would characterize Vonya as quite a warlord based on his brutal demolition of Kazakhstan.

94

What do you mean Tran Thanh Tong “the Conqueror”? You haven’t conquered anything! What expeditionary force against the barbarians have you led?! F-tier title. Do better.

95

Is he really captain of the people? Can someone check the Vijayanagara’s happiness score real quick?

96: it.

For our final slide, we get to see the title that Huyustus has chosen for himself. He is a “lawspeaker” in a despotic republic ruled by populists. None of these make any sense in conjunction with each other.

I hope you enjoyed the narration, or if you didn’t read any of the narration, looking at the slides. I have been CelestialDalek, and I also will be for the foreseeable future. Until next time I narrate.

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Episode 16: The Tripoints of Torturous Torpidity – S4

Abstract

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