Episode 20: Pike and Shot

1: Look Alive, Sunshine

Hello all, and welcome back to Civ Battle Royale X Season 4! I’m your host for today, u/SiegeSquirrel42 (better known as SiegeSquirrel61 on Discord), and I’ll be taking you through whatever thrills and spills our little virtual world has to offer us this week, with a side of rambling anecdotes and probably biased quasi-lore.

I started following the CBR around halfway through Mk2 - genuinely no memory of how I found it. This community’s been a very important part of my life for years now, and so I’ve always felt as though I ought to give back to it, in a way. That and I just thought narrating would be fun. (Which it is! I highly recommend it.)

2: Previously On

u/Sonicfan0511 provides us with the tile-accurate map, a CBR tradition. Points of interest include the weird Mongolian exclave nobody talks about, the rather sorry state of Dai Viet, Royal Hungary going through a bit of a Trianon arc and a surprising amount of unclaimed tiles in the Noongar half of Australia. (Then again, I guess most of those are just flat desert.)

3: My Idea of Comedy is Taking Silly Things Seriously On Purpose

u/daXFactorZ (who us Discord-ians (not to be confused with Discordians) know as NopeCopter) gives an important reminder. You see, one of England’s UUs, the Chevauchee (a Knight replacement), resets the production progress of cities whose territory it enters. Which, if you’ll pardon my saying so, is busted. But like, in the same way the Qarmatians’ UA is busted - i.e. in a really cool way.

To make matters worse for Burgundy, England’s other UU, the Longbowman, replaces the Crossbowman. In other words, this current late medieval/early Enlightenment world means Henry’s pretty much throwing every line of code his civ’s got at Charles. But tech is fleeting - today’s cutting edge could very well be obsolete next week. Better make it count.

4

As always, much thanks to everyone who supports the CBR via Coiot’s Ko-fi.

5: Time Keeps On Slipping, Slipping, Slipping, Into the Future…

Koxinga climbs three ranks, achieving 4th place in the most recent Power Rankings. The reason for this can be summed up in one word: technology. Zheng wasn’t the first civ to get their hands on Frigates, but they were one of the first to put them to effective use with a smash-and-grab strike on the Wahgi. While their navy is worryingly low on melee ships, the Galleass-to-Frigate upgrade is one of the biggest quality spikes in Civ 5, Enlightenment Era or no Enlightenment Era. If there can be said to be a strategy to the CBR, this has to be a core part of it: never neglect your military tech, because it will make the difference between embarrassment and glory. Time and tide wait for no man - especially not when you’re a pirate.

6: Goooood Morning, Dai Viet!

The curtain rises with Zheng’s war with Dai Viet coming to an end. Sure enough, Dai Viet’s been quite decisively rumped. Thanh Hoa remains in the hands of the pirates, with Hai Phong given up in the peace deal (and promptly set ablaze) and Siam holding Thanh Dong. In the end, after all that fighting, Tran Thanh Tong held onto Thang Long after all, but came out of the war with only it and Bac Giang to his name.

There’s a concept I’m fond of: “Watsonian vs. Doylist.” It originates from the early Sherlock Holmes fandom: essentially, is it better to answer questions in-universe or out? In a Doylist sense, Dai Viet keeping their capital happened because you can’t give those up in peace deals. But in a Watsonian sense, I’d like to imagine that this was a bit of cruel irony on Koxinga’s part.

“You want your capital so bad? You can have it!”

7: Back to the Punching Bag

With her army bloodied and her pride wounded by the inconclusive war with Saba-D’mt, Ana Nzinga returns to an easier, more familiar target and declares war on the Rozvi. I can’t help but be reminded a bit of a boxer, having come up short of a title, returning to their gym to spar with an old training partner in preparation for the next tournament. Although, given that the Rozvi are a full era behind Ndongo in most classes of unit, it’s definitely less Ashita no Joe and more Glass Joe.

For realsies, though, I don’t like Rozvi’s odds here. Ndongo has them outclassed in every way that matters. Barring an (admittedly very possible) incident of sustained silliness, Changamire Dombo could very well be facing elimination here. While KOing the Rozvi would put Nzinga at risk of a coalition war, it would also genuinely be a great first step on the road to Round 2 with Makeda.

08: Never Bring a Pike to a Gun Fight (The Weapon, OFC, But Probably Not the Fish Either)

I fear New Holland has made a tactical blunder by declaring war on Tiwanaku now. Huyustus has evidently beaten the science-oriented Neodutch at their own game, for Tiwanaku possesses something New Holland does not: Musketmen, possibly the first on the South American continent. While Maurits cannot count on Ecuadorian or Bora-Boran aid like last time (for all the good it did him), he does at least have the Tehuelche in his corner, Maria having already been at war with Tiwanaku for six turns now. In light of this, the Tehuelche and New Holland sign a symbolic peace treaty ending a symbolic war they’d had with each other.

09: Friends on the Other Side (of the Pacific)

New Holland is not without other allies. Palawa has declared war on Tiwanaku at the same time, and interestingly has an actual reason to be doing so. That reason is named Wilcawain, a city regarded by everyone in the area as an intrusion upon their rightful waters. With Bora-Bora seemingly unwilling to project force that deep into Wahgi territory, and the Wahgi themselves distracted by war with Zheng, Palawa ships are free to move on the far-flung Tiwanaku colony. To that end, they’ve secured a treaty of open borders with the Wahgi. Bol’im pays little mind to the easily exploitable terms of the treaty, preoccupied as he is with an insurgency in the mountains by disaffected nobles.

10: To Boldly Go Where You’re Not Welcome

Palawa’s other reason for declaring war on Tiwanaku is no doubt to clear the seas of the irritating profusion of Explorers Huyustus has been deploying to the Pacific. Tarenorerer does not want foreign pseudo-military troops traipsing about her territory like they own the place, and it’s difficult to blame her, really. It looks like the Palawa navy will, for a change, be seeing action in theaters that aren’t Australia.

11: Meanwhile, Clear Across the Map…

The Finnish nation, well-defended as it is by trebuchets and its unique Kainulainen Huntresses, has frankly missed its window for viable expansion, unless either the Ume Sami or the Latvians collapse sometime in the near future. Truth be told, I think they could take a city or two off Latvia right now, were it not for the fact that while neither civ’s navy is large, the Finns’ trireme fleet is hopelessly outclassed.

At any rate, I’m unsure as to what this shot is meant to highlight. Perhaps it’s just for the sake of getting a good look at the Finns, Ume Sami and northern Latvia.

12: Cancel Culture Comes for the Bavarian Pike(man)

Or it’s foreshadowing. That could also be it.

All three of the civs highlighted in the last slide are now at war with Bavaria, as the Ume Sami and the Finns join in on Latvia’s campaign to cancel our favorite catboy Vtuber for… retaking Regensburg. A city Ludwig founded. Fortunately, an apparent lack of open borders between the three alleged allies prevents meaningful collaboration against Ludwig - a much-needed boon for Bavaria fans. Whilst the Hungarian war effort has fallen back to Bavaria’s own borders, the Latvian and Burgundian fronts don’t seem to have made much progress. Then again, this coalition isn’t that old.

Kazakhstan doesn’t actually have a stake in anything that’s happening in Europe but hops on the bandwagon anyway. Typical discourser.

13: Of All the Times to Pull That

Panning south across Europe, we see that the defense of Ingolstadt and Regensburg is going well for Ludwig, but may not necessarily continue to do so. More important, however, is the clear focus of this slide: the Visigoths, in a sudden moment of historical resonance, are attempting an invasion of Rome!

The Imperial Navy has a clear defender’s advantage, however, with size and positioning on their side. While snagging Carthago and/or Athens would undeniably be a boon to a Visigothic realm in need of redemption after the Asturica fiasco, I personally doubt they have the ability to actually take either. If things go very badly, Narbo might even be threatened, though probably not permanently taken.

14: One of the Classic Blunders

Zheng’s frigate fleet in the region of OTL Yap ranks as one of the most advanced navies in the world, but its composition is also its downfall: it’s all frigates. Not a melee ship in sight all the way to Guangzhou. With that being the case, I fear they may run into some trouble taking Ero’ara and holding onto Baiyer. Whilst the Wahgi navy is much less coordinated, and clearly out-teched, its composition is visibly better.

Also visible on this slide is Mornmaul, a name that by all rights belongs to an evil wizard’s castle but has instead been given to a small island off the Papuan coast known OTL as Manus.

15: Slightly Different Horse Lords

The turn ticks over, and out on the steppes, Mongol riders clash with forces from Korea. But unlike in real life, these are Knights, and the Mongols don’t have a clear advantage. Goguryeo has a slight technological and material edge, in fact, though the war still seems more or less evenly matched for now. I don’t know the identity of the Mongol Great General near Xiaotun, but the general Gwanggaeto appointed to the front is named: Maeda Toshiie.

In our world, Maeda Toshiie was a Japanese daimyo, the head of the Maeda clan and a childhood friend of Oda Nobunaga who grew up to be one of his most loyal and accomplished generals. Interestingly, his old stomping ground of Kaga Province had previously been a stronghold of the real-life Ikko-Ikki.

Meanwhile, we can see two of the Mongol UU, the Ortogh, a Caravan replacement. It generates Gold when starting a turn on a Trading Post or Customs House, it speeds up the production of nearby roads and it does both those things twice as well during a Golden Age.

16: Mild Mogchamp Moment?

Mogadishu making peace with Harappa is as good a reason as any to take a look at their core, such as it is. Despite high expectations going in, the rise of Saba-D’mt has locked Abu Bakr ibn Umar out of many expansion options, and a general lack of initiative on top of that has left the Mogadishawi empire fragmented. Naval skirmishes are a fact of life, but none seem to be going in favor of anyone in particular.

It’s not all bad, though. Mogadishu has begun to produce its UU, the Uwassiye, which gets a combat bonus and buffs trade routes to cities it’s stationed near. It’s also a Caravel replacement, meaning Mogadishu’s naval tech must be at least a bit ahead of their Eswatini and Qarmatian neighbors. (Which is admittedly not a high bar.)

17: Lion on the Hunt

Singapore is not the only civ that has Frigates, not by a long shot, but they are the first I’ve seen with Privateers. Not surprisingly, this navy is making short work of Siam’s unprepared Andaman Islands city of Udon Thani. Samut Songkram and Chanthaburi will be slightly tougher nuts to crack, though, so who knows whether the Singaporean war effort will make it as far as Phra Nakhon? If nothing else, Lee Kuan Yew’s land army is almost nonexistent, which makes defending the canal easier for Siam.

Up north, the Khoshut Khanate’s own invasion proceeds, though the meat of it is offscreen. In the Mekong Delta, the citizens of Bac Giang, disillusioned by defeat and cut off from the capital, take refuge in zealotry. I don’t know what the Saba-D’mt ships are doing.

18: Persian Standoff

The Afsharids end an irrelevant war with Rome, though this does nothing to help them against Vijayanagara’s continued designs on Tabriz. With any Afsharid naval presence long since consigned to the bottom of the Gulf of Oman, the Vijayan Galleasses can bombard the city with only its local garrison firing back. However, as yet they’ve failed to put a dent in the city, and Afsharid soldiers stand ready to take it back should they ever manage to seize it. This war is, in my opinion, still a victory for Krishnadevaraya, but he’d be wise to break through Harappa first before launching a full-scale offensive against Nader Shah. Vijayanagara’s UU, the Kaijeeta, replaces the Crossbowman, so an opportunity to do just that won’t be long in coming - but the second Afsharid UU replaces the Line Infantry, so the window may not necessarily be wide depending on how fast technology advances.

Meanwhile, the Afsharids deploy Great Merchant Andre A. Jackson, better known as M’Zée Fula-Ngenge and apparently the first diamond company executive of African descent.

19: I Don’t Think That’s What’s Meant By “Low Countries”

New Holland continues its efforts to colonize the far south, having settled one city on Antarctica already and preparing to snap up another location. Their navy is out in force, though there’s no real reason for it to be, save perhaps an attempt at a sneak attack against Bora-Bora or Tehuelche.

20: Meanwhile, on the Other Side of Tierra del Fuego…

The Explorers are being put to rout by Palawa squadrons, and another front against the Tiwanaku incursion reveals itself: Antarctica, where a Tiwanaku Caravel strikes against the Palawa base of Narawntapu. Fortunately, Narawntapu is well defended and the raid is sure to be foiled. Whether Palawa will retaliate is uncertain. Many of their ships are not as ocean-worthy as those of their foes.

21: Clowns to the Left of Me, Vampires to the Right

All those catapults Ludwig kept building are paying off. Despite being at war on almost every front, Bavaria appears to have most of said fronts under control. England and Burgundy are too busy fighting each other to invade Beaune. Bavaria’s lack of coastal cities has proven a blessing in disguise, protecting Ingolstadt from Roman assault by neutering its vaunted navy. The Hungarian frontline has stabilized just outside of Csejte with Regensburg back in its rightful Bavarian hands. Only the invading Latvians currently pose a serious threat.

It is now turn 247.

22: Beat ‘Em At Their Own Game

Thus far, at least, Goguryeo’s Knights have gotten the better of their Mongol opposite numbers. While the Mongol attack on Yodong is likely to collapse next turn, judging by the health of those Knights, Goguryeo’s offensive against Otrar has begun to damage the city.

Of course, it’s still attacking a city with cavalry, with the terrain against you, and actually capturing it would achieve nothing other than vindicate Sorg for the otherwise ridiculous endeavor of building ships in Lake Baikal. But it sends a message, you know?

23: Saw That Coming

Previous narrators predicted that against the defenses of San Luis Potosi, Ecuador’s invasion would come to nothing. And wouldn’t you know it, they were absolutely right. Moreno makes peace, with Maximilian’s stronghold on the Gulf of Venezuela none the worse for wear. However, it’s not clear what either civ’s next move from here should actually be. Mexico hasn’t got the navy to take on Taino, and Ecuador hasn’t got the army to take on… anyone they border, really. Maybe New Holland. Maybe.

All in all, a draw…

24: That, Less So

…Or not.

Ecuador has given up the Galapagos to Mexico, surrendering a valuable strategic position for literally nothing. In any other situation I’d be upset at this, but it’s funny and benefits a civ I like, so I’m cool with it.

25: Roman Holiday

Our view is centered on the Adriatic, but the focus is on Martinus Rorbye, in our world a prominent painter of the Danish Golden Age in the early 19th century. In this world, he works on the outskirts of Antioch, painting landscapes and scenes of everyday life in the Greek countryside. Rorbye likes it here. It’s a small world. Life is, more or less, tranquil. But his peace is tenuous, for he’s heard tell of Hungarian regiments crossing the border into Graecia.

Indeed, while Rome’s position is strong, to an internal observer it often seems as though the Empire is troubled on all sides. The Visigoths have raided Carthago, and though the city isn’t likely to fall, the fact it could be attacked at all shocked people. The war against Bavaria has seen no progress made, on any front. The news that Pontus and Kanem-Bornu, both neighbors of Rome, have signed a treaty has sparked fears the two civilizations may plot a coalition war. Unfounded fears, but fears nonetheless. Roman happiness stands at 12 - not critical, but neither are the people entirely content.

26: Pink Tide

Yeah, this really isn’t going well for Siam. Udon Thani falls, and the Singaporean fleet, its small number of Privateers having reached the front, is starting to move on Samut Songkram. However, their land offensive - such as it ever was - looks to have collapsed entirely. I can’t help but wonder how sustainable Yew’s advance is going to be. The citizens of Singapore’s empire must be wondering, too, as happiness is low enough that Udon Thani is being razed. Given that it’s only at 3 pop, it might well burn out.

27: When Attacked, Hold

The Wahgi had declared war on the Noongar last episode, no doubt thinking to expand their Australian beachhead. This effort, while admirable, has not gone according to plan in the four turns since war was declared. Initial Noongar raids on Minj were repelled by Wahgi muskets and Cannons, but the frontline has yet to advance past the border. Meanwhile in the Timor Sea, Kombulno has actually come under attack by the Noongar navy. Fortunately for the Wahgi, said navy is half a dozen Galleasses, which means no capture unless Yagan can bring in a melee ship or somehow land a Swordsman on Timor.

Were the full force of the Wahgi empire to come down on the Noongar, they’d probably win. But as it stands, this war is a secondary front, with the Zheng invasion being a much more urgent priority.

28: Kwik’ii Pedia

Taking a moment to look north, we see that the Yellowknives’ war with Pueblo is still deadlocked, but Akaitcho has begun to field his second UU. This is the Kwik’ii Doo, a Musketman replacement. It recovers 5 HP when starting its turn on a tile with a resource (like that highlighted one is doing), and it has +1 movement. The extra maneuverability is certainly a boon to a Yellowknife army no doubt struggling with navigating rough terrain and bringing units to the front across their large empire, but it is no stronger than an ordinary Musketman…

29: Institutional Revolutionaries

The game ticks over to turn 248, where we see that Zheng has a rebel Knight pillaging about near Chikan and Wenzhou, though it isn’t likely to survive much longer. Perhaps this is a sign Zheng’s wars with Dai Viet and Wahgi are wearing on them. Or perhaps it’s just a Shang unit that went rogue and pulled an EU4 - “Rebels Cross The Border!” The cause doesn’t matter much to Plutarco Elias Calles - rebels are rebels and it’s his job to put them down.

IRL, Calles was a general in the Mexican army who got his start fighting with the rebels in the Mexican Revolution. After that, though, he went a bit full-circle, becoming president in 1924 and founding the Institutional Revolutionary Party that ruled the country as a de facto one-party state for the rest of the 20th century. Calles did have some experience fighting against rebellions as well as in them - his efforts to separate church from state during his presidency sparked a full-blown Catholic uprising, the Cristero War. (Come to think of it, have we got a Cristero civ?)

30: Always Consider the Context

Ishtar has dug up an interesting one this time. Lee Kuan Yew, if this message is to be believed, is seriously considering going to war with Zheng. This would be quite a large-scale war if it were to come to pass - at least in theory. However, neither side seems to have much of a presence on this hypothetical front, engaged as they are with their own wars in Siam and the Pacific.

In fact, if we look beyond Singapore’s relatively ill-carpeted territories and at the edges of the slide, we can see several reasons why such a war might not amount to much. The Wahgi have secured Ero’ara with Cannons and are pushing back the Noongar around Kombulno, whilst the Singaporean siege of Samut Songkram has yet to make meaningful progress.

31

Ishtar has also learnt of efforts in Singapore to build a new art museum, one Yew hopes will be the envy of the world. The Uffizi is under construction. When completed it will generate +2 Culture, provide 3 slots for Great Works of Art and spawn a free Great Artist. Not really helpful for a battle royale.

32

With this information obtained and relayed to the sub, Ishtar redeploys once more. This time, she’s heading to Zheng, but not to seek an understanding of Koxinga’s side of the tension in Southeast Asia. No, she’s heading someplace rather further flung.

33: Junk Mail

On what in our world would be called the Kerguelen Islands, Zheng has somehow managed to establish a colony, the little town of Huizhou. It’s here, aboard one of the regular supply junks, that Ishtar arrives in the guise of an ordinary colonist. One could easily mistake this for a punishment detail. For some of the Chinese here it is. But not for Ishtar. She’s here to investigate this new settlement, which verges worryingly close to one of the two Babylonian submarines embedded underneath Antarctica. After what happened last time, the Observers are taking no chances - they want to make absolutely sure that they stand no chance of being found out. Ishtar has thus been instructed to keep an eye on the base for a time. Who knows, she might pick up some handy intel from the occasional political prisoner while she’s at it.

The ship that brought her here is one of a new breed, built for oceanic travel and exploration as well as combat. This is Zheng’s second UU, the War Junk. A Caravel replacement, it gains XP by the turn while the capital is in a We Love the King Day, and when it promotes thanks to that, it generates Great Admiral points. Not bad, and synergizes beautifully with the Tie Ren and the Zheng UA to produce a steady stream of admirals, generals and strengthened units. Sadly Zheng hasn't got very many of them.

34: Least Outrageous MacGregor Land Scam

You know, I was about to be mad at this. But let’s face it. If there’s anyone for whom doing this actually makes sense, it’s Gregor MacGregor. It’s the long con finally paying off. He’s sold out St. Augustine to the Osage in the peace deal, not only fleecing the Floridians but leaving the Osage with a disconnected, enraged city they’ll struggle to effectively govern - all while he profits off of whatever the Osage gave him in return.

Also visible is the Floridas’ unique Great Merchant, the Scrip Vendor. The Scrip Vendor can, well, sell scrip to foreign cities, granting a large amount of gold in exchange for a denouncement. The fewer farms MacGregor has, the more gold he gets out of it.

35: Askawr Stupid Question

Kanem-Bornu is now fielding their Knight-replacing UU, the Askawr. It’s one tile faster and gets stronger when around pillaged tiles, and Kanembu workers work faster with an Askawr on the same tile. A good unit to have in both peace and war. However, it is a Knight, and so this upgrade rings a little hollow when compared to Sierra Leone’s Black Loyalists - those replace the Musketman.

36: Colonizer Go Home

In a swift and decisive maneuver, the Palawa fleet sails right across Wahgi waters, attacks Wilcawain and puts the colony to the torch. The crusade is technically an infringement upon Wahgi sovereignty, but Bol’im, who doesn’t like Huyustus any more than Tarenorerer does, allows it. Tiwanaku forces in the West Pacific are scattered to the winds. One Explorer with an attached unit of Sisqeno missionaries hides out on what I think is one of Vanuatu’s islands, whilst others go into the New Guinea highlands and a naval squadron is attacked by Palawa ships all the way out by Mornmaul.

…Huh, so you can have a fight in someone else’s open borders. I always wondered whether that would work.

37

The Tehuelche stand no realistic chance of actually taking Pampa Koani, although I respect them for trying. (But I still think the only way those cities are going to get put to proper use at this point is if Bora-Bora conquers them.)

38

It is now turn 249, and In England, the war effort against Burgundy is going both well and not well. Well, in that the English army, with both its UUs in the field, is successfully keeping the Burgundians at arm’s length. And not well, in that they’re not making any advances themselves.

Harkhuf was an ancient Egyptian regional governor, noted for his trade missions to Nubia and his autobiographical tomb inscription which gave Egyptologists a window into Egypt’s evolving culture in the 2200s BC. In the CBR, rather than the Nubians, it’s the Faroese he’s doing business with. (Wonder what he thinks of the Mamluks…)

39

Khoshut troops have pushed en masse into Siamese lands, cutting off Nakhon Ratchasima. Now all they have to do is take it - easier said than done, perhaps, with an army that might actually have not enough ranged units. Odd that they’re going for this city rather than Shigatse, but who knows? Perhaps this is all part of Gushi Khan’s master plan. One certainly can’t fault his timing, given Siam’s ongoing war with Singapore.

40: Never Going Back Again

Yesterday Udon Thani was the scene of a desperate Siamese counterattack. Today, it is on 1 pop, surrounded by Singaporean ships. Today, Udon Thani burns. Tomorrow, it will burn. It will burn until the monsoon quenches the flames and the sky swallows the smoke.

The rest of the Singaporean fleet presses the attack against Samut Songkram and Chanthaburi. All the while, Fleetwood Mac rocks out back in Singapore.

41

Oh, I think this was the bit where I was supposed to talk about the Uwassiye.

Mogadishu is still pretty much boned in practice. At this point I genuinely think the Qarmatians could take Safwan back if they wanted to, and they’re still stuck in the Ancient Era as far as naval tech goes.

42

The Zheng-Wahgi war seems to have reached a point of status quo ante bellum. For those of you who didn’t take high school Latin or don’t spend a lot of time on Wikipedia, that means things are back to the way they started. Baiyer, a Wahgi-founded city, is back in Wahgi hands, and it’s unclear whether the one Zheng melee ship that’s found its way down will be able to take it back - let alone hold it. Zheng may have the technological edge, but they’re struggling to project force.

43

I’m pretty sure someone’s explained the Ndongo Pombo already, so I’ll go over Rozvi’s new UU, the Missoca. This is a Pikeman replacement which is more expensive but pillages for free. When it’s adjacent to another Missoca, it regains 5 HP per turn; when it isn’t, it gains +1 movement instead.

Against Nzinga’s horde of Pombos and Crossbowmen, however, it probably won’t help. Indeed, that highlighted Missoca (the only one the Rozvi have) is about to die, and Rozvi has lost tiles to a frankly egregious series of Eswatini citadels.

44

With the settlement of Varzea, New Holland has secured their slice of Antarctica. Now, only one question remains: what’s the point of coming here in the first place? Perhaps, given the scientific bent of their Arian faith, the Neodutch colonization effort was an act of pure scientific curiosity.

(Yes, I know that’s not their actual demonym. No, I will not stop calling them that.)

45: Dang Gub’mint

It’s turn 250, which means it’s government time! Daji has bestowed upon herself the title of “Captain of the People,” a fitting title as her ever more blatantly dictatorial rule continues only thanks to her iron grip on the Shang army.

Indeed there’s a lot of dictators about. Most are militaristic in nature, as would be expected in a domination game. Not Karlis Ulmanis, though. I have to admit, a Green dictator is a funny mental image.

46

Trajan, equally fittingly, is Polemarch and dictator of Rome. I tend to take these bits loosely, however, depending on what makes a good story. So let’s just say he’s emperor. It’s the same thing in practice.

47

The Taino have created an elective monarchy (presumably only as regards the Caciques, though), in which a nationalist faction is currently in power. An early sign of wars to come, perhaps?

48

Bora-Bora is another kingdom, but its dominant faction is the bourgeoisie. (Nobody tell Orange.) King Puni has been given the title Puni the Conqueror, no doubt in light of his surprise successes against Rio Grande and Tiwanaku.

49: To the Tune of “Sword Lord of the Goblin Horde” by Gloryhammer

Vonya is Warlord of the Selkup Horde, which rolls off the tongue very well. He also holds the title of Amir al-Mu’minin, which I assume comes from either a wonder or what he did to Kazakhstan.

50

In the Nivkh Republic, Umu is known as Umu the Humane, probably because of the whole “refusing to take any actually populated city under any circumstances” thing. (Yes, I am still salty about that from the last episode I narrated.) Mexico meanwhile is a Peasants’ Republic, but also a Principality somehow.

51

The Vijayan people must be happy with Krishnadevaraya’s campaign against Nader Shah, as he bears the significant if unimaginative title of “the Great.”

52

Huyustus, meanwhile, has decided to assert that his position as Lawspeaker of a despotic Tiwanaku Republic is a god-given one. You keep telling yourself that, buddy.

53

And we’re back!

Their ire raised by, among other things, overpopulation, five regiments of Pikemen from the Faroese military have risen in revolt and occupied nearly half of Iceland. This one’s going to be tricky for Trondur to put down, and it speaks to his most persistent problem being happiness. Until the Faroes can get that fixed, they won’t be capable of meaningfully conquering.

54

While the Visigothic invasion of Rome has gone about as badly for them as I expected it to, the Bavarian war has also begun to turn against Ludwig. The Romans are advancing, and as the Royal Hungarian army recovers and draws forces back towards Regensburg and Straubing, Ingolstadt may genuinely be at risk of falling in the next episode or two.

In light of their being on the same side against Bavaria, Royal Hungary and Burgundy make peace. Burgundy’s war with England is still stalled out.

55

Well, that went about how I expected it to. The Goguryeo invasion of Mongolia has run up against the obvious problem with mounted units - for those of you watching at home, most mounted units are terrible against cities - and begun to diversify their forces on the frontline. However, this has led to another unfortunate situation wherein they’re trying to attack two cities at once and not really making much progress with either one. If I had to place bets, I would say New Sarai is likelier to fall, just because more of the troops around it have been destroyed. Perhaps some of the merchants on those Nivkh Caravans are placing bets themselves. It must be an interesting life, being a Caravan. You get to travel, learn and see more of the world than most ordinary citizens ever do.

56: Hai Point

The capture of Hai Phong from Zheng is a much-needed bright spot for a Siamese empire embattled on just about every side. Singapore’s navy draws ever closer to the heart of Siam, and the Khoshuts are refusing to roll over and lose this time, but Rama can comfort himself with the knowledge that the pirates, at least, are being kept solidly at bay. Koxinga’s vaunted Tie Ren lack the Siamese army’s home field advantage and are quickly destroyed as they try to break through the passes. In this timeline as in ours, the Annamite Range is a formidable natural barrier.

57: Single-Minded League

The Ikko-Ikki are launching another incursion into Shang land. It’s not the first time, it won’t be the last. A battalion of Sohei make their way down a valley in an almost routine maneuver that they hope will get them that much closer to defeating the abominable Daji. They justify their crusade in mythological allusion, identifying Daji with Tamamo-no-Mae, a malevolent fox spirit of their own legends. (Or possibly she is based on Daji; no one really remembers anymore.) Followers of Jodo Shinshu are in Anyang as well, and are persecuted, and they must be freed, so says Kennyo.

Anyang was not taken last year. It will not be taken next year. But the Sohei keep going. They know the way.

Forty miles from Anyang.

Take a farming town. Loot their rice, Buddha will understand. Recover the trench the last invasion dug. Join up with the bandits resisting in the hills. Cross the river and burn the bridge behind you. Pretend not to wonder when Koxinga will help again. Stop at the shrine. Pray for this land’s salvation. Pray for your own. Fight the loyalist patrol. Dig in. Wait.

Thirty miles from Anyang.

58: This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race

Yellowknife and Puebloan forces continue to clash along the border, neither side making any progress. While Pueblo’s northern enemy is numerically inferior, their deployment of firearms threw the Puebloan advance into disarray, foiling the attempts to besiege Weledeh-cheh and raid the Yellowknives through Crow territory. Fortunately for Po’pay, however, his men were able to capture a few muskets from the Kwik’ii Doo units and reverse-engineer them. Now, just to the north of Taos, a Puebloan general is putting the first Pueblo unit of Musketmen through their training. Do any of these soldiers suspect that in time, their way will totally supplant the ways of their comrades fighting with sword, pike and crossbow?

59

Nader Shah’s army musters in the general direction of Tabriz as the city begins to take damage from Vijayanagara’s Galleasses and now Carracks - the latter of which, for those of you not well versed in Enlightenment Era, are melee ships. In spite of its relatively high defense value, Tabriz might genuinely fall - although if it does, the Afsharids will take it back nigh-immediately. Frickin’ amphibious wars.

60

As turn 251 begins, Floridian troops booted out by the peace deal block Osage reinforcements from going through the Cumberland Gap. There is a very real chance that an attack by the Seneca could secure them St. Augustine, with the Osage unable to do anything about it. Please, Cornplanter, this would genuinely be so funny. Imagine if MacGregor’s plan all along was to force something to happen in North America.

61: Double Strike!

Singapore captures both Chanthaburi and Samut Songkram from Siam at the same time, and there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot Siam has with which to retaliate. Their navy’s all but gone and their army is preoccupied in the north. While I believe they probably can still hold the coast, or at least flip the coast, thanks to Singapore’s understandable lack of a land army, this war is a huge loss for them. Not to mention, Udon Thani has indeed burned to the ground.

At some point Singapore’s got to incur some kind of a coalition war, right?

62: This Is Our Continent! Get Your Own!

Counterattack! The Noongar landed that Swordsman after all and kept it alive long enough to take Kombulno! The Noongar land army makes progress as well, driving the Wahgi back to the walls of Minj. The Wahgi have Cannons, but the Noongar have a logistical edge and don’t seem to be as distracted by fronts elsewhere. (Are they even still at war with the Palawa? I don’t remember.)

63: Flowering Knight

The Khoshuts seem to be trying to get back in touch with the Mongol side of their ancestry by building a mounted army, but Bengal is no place for Knight-based warfare. Gushi Khan is not letting that stop him, though, and he’s managed to put a bit of damage onto Nakhon Ratchasima. Siam being forced to fight on three fronts is definitely helping the Khoshuts, but they need better-balanced forces - and more of them.

64: “And Let That Be a Lesson to the Lot of You!”

The Visigothic-Roman war is over, and both sides claim they have won. Roman propagandists praise the loyal service of the sailors and assert that the repulsion of the Visigothic attack has taught the barbarians not to trifle with the Empire. In the Visigoths’ realm, the war is a show of strength and a demonstration of their ability to challenge Rome - they struck against a Roman city and though they did not take it, they received few consequences and lost fewer ships than the Romans did. From the comparatively enlightened Babylonian perspective, the war is but a draw, but nothing’s ever that simple on the ground.

Meanwhile, the Bavarians are struggling - Regensburg has taken a bit of damage, likely from that Roman Swordsman that came up from Gyor, and Ingolstadt might be in trouble. The English, on the other hand, are making good progress against Burgundy, their longbows wreaking havoc on the old enemy as Henry’s first Musketmen make their way towards the frontlines. Ndongo scouts observe carefully, looking for innovations their homeland can copy. Not all spies are Spies.

65

After a freezing sojourn on Huizhou Island which established the submarine was in little to no danger, Ishtar does finally manage to piece together enough info from various deported courtiers to get an idea of what Koxinga’s next move might be. He wants to launch another expedition against Daji, a move which is popular with the citizenry but widely disliked by Koxinga’s court - at least one official on Huizhou was sent there for advising against it due to Zheng’s present shortage of manpower.

Also, I have chosen to interpret the three citadels on the Zheng/Shang border as rebel bases who have thrown their lot in with Zheng generals and are thus considered to have defected.

66

With that unpleasant detour complete, Ishtar sets course for a completely different kind of frozen wasteland: the lands of the Thule. Here, perhaps, she can find out whether or not a war against the Yellowknives is forthcoming.

67

Turn 252 sees a mild rebound by Bavaria and Burgundy. The diplomats of Bavaria have brokered peace deals with the Finns and Kazakhstan, but the movers and shakers within #CancelLudwig remain undeterred. Regensburg recovered its health, at least, and the Bavarian Defense Force is finally upgrading to Longswordsmen.

Burgundy, meanwhile, is trying to push England back from Dijon and Autun, holding back the invaders with a wall of pikes.

68: Thanks Lobamba

And all of a sudden, it’s looking like Nzinga’s gotten all the use she can out of her punching bag Changamire Dombo. Lobamba has fallen, and Danangombe is already at half HP. While Nzinga’s current army comp - a very small number of Pombos backed up by a metric fuckload of Crossbowmen - is not the best for capturing cities, it works against the Rozvi because the Rozvi simply don’t have enough troops to fight back. All Ndongo has to do is get a Pombo into Danangombe and kill the last Rozvi Swordsmen, and that’s an elimination.

69: Wanna Get Enlightened in the Middle of Nowhere?

Religion drives people to do funny things sometimes. And in the case of the Mogadishawi colony of Aw Dhigle, founded on the next island over from Huizhou, it’s driven a whole passel of missionaries to go to sea and find out the hard way what sort of insights the solitude may bring them. (That, and secure a strategic forward operating base for Mogadishu.)

70: Oh Goddammit

Yeah, Seneca would just make peace in that scenario, wouldn’t they? In every BR, despite our best efforts, there are some civs that just do not want to play a domination game. I guess Seneca’s one of them. Either way, MacGregor’s feat of trolling stands. What’s more, the whole misadventure has somehow resulted in Nundawao attempting to defect to the Osage in the peace deal.

In Chenussio, Daniel Maclise (OTL, an Irish painter who specialized in historical scenes and portraits) is hard at work making the history of the Seneca as interesting as possible - no easy task, when said history is usually embarrassing.

71

Siam was able to flip Samut Songkram one last time, but now it’s fallen again, probably for good. Singapore’s Galleons cross the canal and enter the Gulf that bears Siam’s name, whilst their Frigates approach Nakhon Si Thammarat (though they do not yet bombard it). At the top of the screen, you can just barely see the Khoshuts pushing back the Siamese defenders at great cost and the Zheng front petering out as both civs in that war have better things to worry about.

72

Maria of the Tehuelche - who evidently considers the title of King to be gender-neutral - declares a ceremonial war on the Nivkh, which is as good an excuse as any to look at Umu’s domain.

The Nivkh have a respectable enough naval carpet, but they have long since missed their window for expansion, with the carpet of Thule, the industrial might of Goguryeo and the Hokkaido-wide fortifications of the Ikko-Ikki blocking all their exits. Maybe they could snag a city or two off Goguryeo if they caught Gwanggaeto by surprise, but their performance the first time they tried makes me doubt that.

73

As Siamese forces retreat, no doubt heading south to defend the heartland, the Khoshuts press the attack on Nakhon Ratchasima and Shigatse. One can only hope they succeed in their efforts, and they should at least be in a better position once they get those Knights out of their system.

The Khoshuts are now also at war with the Nivkh and got war declared on them by Goguryeo (not in that order), not that it matters.

74

Umu must have committed some sort of international faux pas, as Palawa becomes the next civ to declare war on him. The Palawa don’t appear to be at war with their Noongar neighbors any longer, and they’ve driven Tiwanaku’s ironic conquistadors from their waters. One civ victorious and the other heading that way, and both of them at peace with each other - it’s a good turn to be Aboriginal.

75

Cornplanter’s act of cowardice enrages the other civs of North America, and no less than six of them vow to scour his civ off the face of the continent for it! Given that Pawhuska rejoined the war on the same turn he made peace, I’m guessing this must be a Holy War. Mexico, the Osage, the Yellowknives, the Thule, the Pueblo and the Crow are all part of the anti-Seneca coalition, and Osage and Thule are in fact capable of attacking the purple lads. While Osage’s suddenly gained frontier is poorly defended and the Thule outposts are just that - outposts, this is still not a good look for the Seneca civilization, such as it is.

76: I Avoid Obvious Innuendo Because It’s Too Easy

A Zheng War Junk briefly conquered Ero’ara in a lightning strike, but the Wahgi have just as swiftly taken it back with a large fleet and sent their foes packing. This war seems like it isn’t really a problem for Bol’im, so if I were him I’d focus my efforts on the increasingly troublesome Noongar.

77: Battle at the Top of the World

You know how I mentioned the Thule blocked one of Nivkh’s breakout paths? Yeah, it looks like Javraganak decided to go and prove that point. The Thule navy, consisting chiefly of Galleons but introducing Privateers, outclasses the Nivkh Carrack fleet, and half of Umu’s navy is blocked off thanks to Bakjak. This will not go well.

Also, I’m still looking at Yamashina. Clearly, the monks of Hokkaido, surrounded as they are by potentially-hostile civs, have decided that they won’t have inner peace until they are safe behind stone and steel.

78: Bahk in Action

The Thule also declared war on the Crow, but I question the wisdom of this decision. The Crow spent their long, stagnant peace building up a carpet, and now they get to use it to take back the wayward city of Bahkisee. Time for your redemption arc, Joe.

79: I’m Picturing “Master and Commander” Meets “Das Boot”

The Tiwanaku West Pacific Squadron fled Wilcawain in disgrace and disarray when the Palawa put the colony to the torch, and they’ve been running ever since. The small band of ships, subsisting off a mix of trading and raiding, have made their way across the whole of Wahgi Polynesia, but now, in the Zheng Marianas, their luck has finally run out. Locked in battle with the locals, the Tiwanaku are scattered and taking damage - unless a timely peace treaty comes in, they’ll die, far from home, their wrecks and their corpses consigned to the depths of the Marianas Trench. The best they can hope for is that Tiwanaku will prosper long enough to have a film industry and make a very nice docu-drama about them.

80: Going Loko

…When did Sierra Leone found that? It can’t have been that long ago, considering Port Loko’s only at 1 pop.

At any rate, as of turn 253 Sierra Leone holds a clear naval advantage over just about everybody else on the west coast of Africa, and having control over the strategic island of Saint Helena cements that fact neatly. Now the only question is: who are they going to use that navy on?

81: Blood, Mud and Crossbows

Every turn, the frontline of the Goguryeo/Mongolia war shifts. Try as he might, Gwanggaeto just can’t quite seem to get a concrete offensive focused on one city. In the citadel-riddled border fortress of Yuanjunmiao, Mongolian Great General Joseph Joffre counts his blessings. Today, at least, the perpetually embattled city doesn’t seem like it’s going to fall.

Continuing a recurring theme in this season of situationally appropriate Great Generals, the real-life Joseph Joffre had plenty of experience with defensive war. He was commander of all French forces on the Western Front for the first half of World War I, and he was credited with regrouping the retreating Entente to successfully beat Germany at the Battle of the Marne. However, trench warfare proved not his speed, and his failure to achieve a decisive victory at the Somme got him promoted out of the way. The French went through three more commanders before the war was over.

82: The Next to Last Step

Danangombe is under siege and the last two Rozvi melee units are taking damage. Now all Ndongo’s got to do is get a melee unit of their own in. Finishing this fight puts Nzinga in a more secure position for later and removes one more thorn in her side - though I would still recommend she rest up, perhaps even take down Eswatini, before going after Saba-D’mt again.

83: Speaking of Which

The Sabaean empire itself is still looking very strong. That being said, I can’t help but notice that Makeda doesn’t seem to have built up as strong a carpet as you’d expect from a major power - she must’ve lost a lot of soldiers to Ndongo. What’s more, her navy (boxed in though it may be) is still composed exclusively of her unique Badans. Those are Trireme replacements! Just because Qarms have terrible naval tech too is no excuse! (You’d still have to get through Mogadishu-owned Hamar Weyne to fight them anyway.)

84: Big Boy Blue

For all that Tarbagatai has thoroughly stolen the capital of Ili’s thunder, Dzungaria is a very strong-looking civ right now. The Dzungars could perhaps stand to tech up a little, considering their neighbors the Selkups are getting Musketmen and half of their infantry still have spears, but the sheer weight of their carpet will keep them safe for the foreseeable future. If they were to use that carpet against someone right now, I would recommend Mongolia. Sorghagtani is distracted in the east, leaving Beshbalik and Old Sarai wide open. One thing’s for certain: in the CBR, timing is everything. Attack too soon and it’ll fall flat. Make your move too late, and you’ll find that you’ve got no room left to move at all anymore. But strike at exactly the right time, and you might just score yourself a knockout. Which will Galdan Khan’s Dzungars be?

85: Deudly Firearms

Ah, Selkup country. The land of fish, frost and firearms. More than perhaps any other civ so far, Vonya’s people have been enthusiastic adopters of the musket, though as yet they have not had the chance to test their guns against an enemy. The Selkup military is thin on the ground compared to their Dzungar neighbors’ near-total carpet, but it is no less deadly and rather more proven.

Also visible are Kazan’s Darughar Conscripts. These guys are made to be spammed: they’re much weaker than the Longswordsmen they replace, but when they’re next to each other, they can attack twice. They also don’t need Iron, but I think strategic resource requirements are turned off in this run anyway.

86: Meanwhile, in South America…

The Tiwanaku army march on Pajchiri, hoping to retake the city they lost to New Holland before. So far, no damage has been done to the city but neither have the Neodutch actually advanced into Tiwanaku lands. Notably the Tiwanaku carpet is pretty much nonexistent. It’s turn 254, now - how long can they keep this war up, I wonder?

87: How the Mighty Have Fallen

The War of the Kaz comes to its formal end, and the final rumping of Kazakhstan is made official. Nazarbayev’s last loyalists are left trapped in the frozen city of Kostanay on what I believe is Novaya Zemlya. And there, no doubt, they will stay, forced to watch as Kazan, the Selkups and the rest do as they will with their old empire, until Kostanay is finally annexed by someone with nothing better to do.

Thus be it ever to boring superpowers.

88

The Pombos fight their way in, with sword, with spear and with crossbow. Walls fall, palaces burn. Rozvi warriors fight delaying actions and fallback maneuvers from one end of the city to the other, before finally making an orderly retreat out into the hills, where they go guerilla. But these are just remnants led by a Great General of uncertain identity. Changamire Dombo is nowhere to be found in the confusion. It’s rumored Ana Nzinga herself went to look for him. And everyone who has seen the queen of Ndongo fight knows what that means.

Danangombe has fallen, and the Rozvi civilization with it.

89: Elephants Live Long Lives

A lucky break for Siam, one which they direly need after the wringer of an episode they’ve been through: peace with Singapore and the Khoshuts both. This war was a disaster for Rama V, there’s no use beating around the bush about that. He lost three cities, including this season’s only canal city. He lost almost his entire navy. And he lost his pride.

But nevertheless, Siam is alive. The realm boasts nine cities still and all of them show promise. They have time now. Time to rebuild and prepare for the next war. Time, perhaps, for Dai Viet to fall, for the fortunes of Zheng, Vijayanagara and the Khoshuts to turn, for Singapore to finally overextend itself and - we can only hope - fall as Kazakhstan fell.

Civs may have many resources with which to purchase things - Gold, Faith, Culture - but in the end, there’s only one true currency: time. Spend it well, Rama…

90: Small Mercies

Despite Gushi Khan’s “best” efforts, Shigatse remains in Siamese hands. Nevertheless, the Khoshuts have proven that they are at least capable of waging a war without giving away cities, even if they didn’t manage to take any this time. Progress is progress, I suppose.

91

Another view of the Tiwanaku Republic - almost a full view in fact, showing the city of Ichabamba founded near where Old Omo used to be. New Holland hasn’t made any more gains against Wankane than Tiwanaku has against Pajchiri. In the south, Tiwanaku Musketmen patrol the border.

“Do you really think these will intimidate them?” one musketman asks his sergeant, regarding the unfamiliar weapon.

“Without a doubt,” the officer reassures him.

“Uh, sir?” another musketman chimes in, directing their attention to a hill just across the border. There, a column of Bora-Boran soldiers, also on border patrol duty, are coming up over the ridge.

“What is it, soldier?”

“They’ve got muskets too.”

“More than we do, or less?”

“More. Definitely more.”

Tiwanaku has two Musketmen in their whole empire. Bora-Bora has four just in this shot, and they’ve probably got more out of view.

92: The Plunderers, Plundered

Two days had passed since the last of the Rozvi army made their retreat from Danangombe. A party of forward observers watched from the bushes in astonishment as Nzinga herself strode out, fully armed and armored, carrying a pike with something stuck on the end. Then, they realized exactly what that something was: Changamire Dombo’s head. Everyone knew it was over after that. The surrender was the next day. Nzinga gave the last Rozvi general a choice: lay down your arms, face execution or go into exile. The general chose exile. He and his men marched into the desert, likely never to return to the old Rozvi homeland. A band of civilians left too, in a different direction, hoping somehow to find a place to settle. But it’s the Renaissance now, and such places have all been snapped up, just as the Rozvi’s cities have been.

The Rozvi came in with high hopes, as a recently released civ with cool history behind them. They took a city off Eswatini early on, and for the briefest of moments it seemed as though they had a path to glory. Then Ndongo declared a beautifully timed war on them (which, by chance, I was also here to narrate!) and it was all over the instant it had begun. Rozvi’s rump state period was a tad prolonged, but the end, when it came, was almost trivially swift. Like their real-life successors the Zulu, they ended up being a starter conquest for the southern African superpower of their CBR: the Boers then, Ndongo now.

“This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

- Winston Churchill

The Rozvi are eliminated in 59th place.

93: Break On Through to the Other Side

Thulian Galleons demonstrate an immediate advantage over Nivkh Carracks in the Battle of the Bering Sea, fighting their way across the ice-choked straits and slowly but surely towards the Nivkh cities in Kamchatka. This is why I keep bringing up military tech disparities so often: it counts for a lot! Already, the Arctic Ocean port of Nurgan has taken some scratch damage. But this, as it happens, is the last slide for today. As for where this war, or any other, may go in the future?

Only the Test of Time will tell.

I have been SiegeSquirrel, and I thank you for reading!

Episode 20: Pike and Shot – S4

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